Care Bears in the Land Without Feelings
-by Joshie Jaxon

We open on a street in Anytown, USA. Donna is sad cause her bestie has to move. Kevin angrily kicks a ball around, proclaiming he won’t do it. He doesn’t care. Cause, childhood issues are all consuming. Forget mortgages, taxes, bills, etc. This is it. We pan up to see god, I mean the cloud keeper, watching from on high. He introduces us to Care-a-Lot.

We get an upbeat song that tells us the Care Bears care about us. It also allows them to share the fact that their personalities are based off their names. Funshine spreads a little sunshine. There’s Grumpy Bear for when you feel blue. *pause Hold up, there’s a bear for when you’re sad, even though the Care Bears primary job is to cheer you up and show they care? Alright, I’ll play along. *unpause

Back in Care-a-Lot, Kevin’s bitching is so loud and continuous, that it draws the bears attention. They squabble over who will go help, and Tenderheart & Friend Bear win. The go to Earth in their cloud car, and try to tell the little brat, I mean troubled child, that he’ll always have a friend with them. Who cares? Not Kevin. He doesn’t care about anything. I’m finding it hard to sympathize with this kid. Realizing what a hot mess Kevin is, Tenderheart says they’re gonna need some help. They hop into the air, and their cloud car forms around them. Remember that, it’ll be relevant later.

Hall of Hearts. All the bears decide to help. They figure if Kevin sees all his new friends, he’ll cheer up. Cause all angsty boys want is colorful bears. Well, I did. I still have three Cheer Bears from over the years. Alright, I withdraw that last bit of snark. Donna tells the group Kevin ran away, cause of course he did. There’s no verbal or logic skills in place yet. Poor Kevin. Life is gonna eat you alive.

The godly cloud keeper tells us Kevin is wandering out of his neighborhood. Oh no! He wanders near a park that happens to have a talking fountain outside. Apparently this version of Earth has talking inanimate objects in it. I checked. No involvement by Disney. The fountain doesn’t care what Kevin does, and I’m inclined to agree with it. Kevin doesn’t listen, and goes into the park. He bitches his way through the whole thing, and winds up in a mysterious land. Someone’s been listening to him. It’s called everyone. Shut up, Kevin!

Coldheart Castle. We see the heartless Professor Coldheart. He listens to Kevin’s yammering, and likes it. He has his bipedal frog-like minions get his car, and he follows the sound of Kevin’s self-absorption. Kevin asks about the minions, to which the Professor says they could be his friends, but he doesn’t care about them, so they’re not.

We get a snappy musical number telling us all about Prof Frosty Britches. He offers Kevin a ride, and sets him on his lap. I’m getting mixed feelings about which lesson exactly we’re supposed to be learning here. I’m thinking there should be some stranger danger involved, but Kevin can’t get past himself to realize he’s in trouble, and off they go.

The Care Bears reach the park, and the fountain doesn’t care what happened to Kevin, but points them in the direction he traveled. The Bears ask the rocks, trees, and flowers about Kevin. They don’t like little boys, or little bears either. Donna tells the tale of a land ruined by a dark man, that became The Land Without Feelings. The Bears can fix that, with an upbeat musical number.  A verse or two in and everything remembers about the feelings they used to have, and tell the group what happens when children meet the Professor.

At Coldheart Castle, the Professor offers Kevin a drink, that looks like a fizzy green beer. Time to grow up, Kevin! Today, you become a man. Mazal Tov! That would be pretty dark for 1983. Luckily, Kevin only turns into one of the frog minions, as the professor calls him a slave. In the park, the tree says that the children are never seen or heard from again. A pack of bears split off to go find Kevin, leaving Donna to state that she hopes the professor doesn’t know they’re coming.

Very next scene, telescopic POV view of the park exit with none other than Coldheart watching. He comments on the Bears’ cuteness, then breaks the fourth wall to say, “disgusting, isn’t it?” Yes, professor. Yes, it is. Our fuzzy wuzzies start to make their way through Coldheart’s kingdom, using their special tummy powers; Including, but not limited to, heart shaped lily pads, a rainbow bridge, a heart balloon, and heart spikes to scale the walls. Why they didn’t just summon their cloud cars to avoid the terrain is beyond me. Seriously, I can’t think of a single reason they didn’t use what was at their disposal for traveling great distances. Oh well.

Conveniently, the professor has defenses for each one of them. I do love a well prepared villain. The one thing he wasn’t prepared for was Wish Bear. She wishes all of them to the castle. If only they’d let her do that at the beginning, but they didn’t. If only she’d wished Kevin wasn’t such a snot, but he was. Hey, even Care Bear magic has limits. It does manage to teleport them all to the castle. Time for a showdown! Tenderheart tells Coldheart that he needs a lesson in caring. It’s time for, cue epic music, the Care Bear Stare! Rainbow love, stars, flowers, and clovers change all of the frogs back into children. Kevin, finally realizing things can always be worse, hugs Donna, as the professor slinks away.

-JJ