By Joshie Jaxon
Greetings, geek fans! It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Free STD checks at the clinic! Kidding! Those were last month. Anyhow, the time for holiday specials is upon us. Despite the busy hours a day job requires, I’m determined to bring you more than one post this month. If I don’t, Santa won’t let me go down his- never mind. This is a special that almost everyone should know. Unless you’ve been living under The Rock, in which case, you’re excused because, gurl. Yeah. I love this one, and though I normally watch things once before going back to review them, I’m confident I can do this on the initial viewing. Wonder what I’ll come up with while I’ve got my Gay Geek Goggles on. Available on Amazon. Only they’re not, cause this is a labor of love, not a paying gig. I’m not bitter, that’s the meds wearing off. Let the geeks begin!
This is a Chuck Jones cartoon. He’s a legend in Looney Tunes land. You can already tell this is gonna be good. Like when you see the Trojan logo on your cond- um, where was I? Yes, the cartoon. Pan past a mountain as the snow falls. The song starts in the background, and I need captions cause Seuss made up some fun words that I just can’t spell. Fah who for-aze, dah who dor-aze. Welcome Christmas, bring your light. Fah who for-aze, dah who dor-aze. Welcome in the cold, dark night. As the Whos sing, hand in hand, they pick a tree, and topple it to take back to Who-ville. Welcome Christmas, fah who rah-moose. Welcome Christmas dah who dah-moose. Welcome Christmas, while we stand, heart-to-heart and hand in hand. Warm fuzzies as the Whos raise the tree in the center of town. There’s a song sung about decorating, which I will share with you in a moment. I’d like to point out that based on the song, it’s Christmas Eve, and the entire town is getting ready for the holiday. That’s a day away. As in tomorrow. I’ve never understood the decorate the day before people. Even if you don’t want to deal with it for a month, at least let yourself have it up for a week. Having things up is a good thing. I remember this one time, when- what? Fine, back to the song. Your loss. It was a good story. A man triumphed over impotence, and- alright already! Sheesh!
Trim up the tree with Christmas stuff like bingle balls, and whofoo fluff. Trim up the tree with goowho gums, and bizilbix and wums. Trim every blessed window and trim every blessed door. Hang up whoboohoo bricks, then run out and get some more. Hang pantookas on the ceiling. Pile pampoonas on the floor. Trim every needle on the blessed Christmas tree. Christmas comes tomorrow. Trim you. Trim me. Trim up the tree with fuzzle fuzz, and bliffer bloofs, and wuzzle wuzz. Trim up your uncle and your aunt with yard of whofut flant. Alright, first off, there are a lot of blessed things in Whoville. Second, I’m not gonna trim every needle on a tree. Someone needs to explain “taste” to the Whos. Third, if your pampoona is piled on the floor, you should see the gyno, stat! And finally, if I haven’t tainted your memories yet, I’m just getting warmed up. We’re about to meet the star of our show.
While the Whos are all scrambling to get Aunt Harriet’s pampoona off the floor, we pan out of Whoville and up the mountain. The Whos like Christmas a lot, but the Grinch, did not! The Grinch hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season. Don’t ask why, no one quite knows the reason. It could be that his shoes were too tight. Or perhaps that his head wasn’t screwed on just right. Maybe he’s worked retail all his life. Maybe he’s Jewish, and doesn’t need a holiday shoved down his throat. Or he’s Pagan and doesn’t like his things appropriated. Er, sorry, I got off Karloff there. And while I’m on the subject, how great is Boris? He’s a great narrator. His theory on the Grinch was that his heart was two sizes too small. Whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes, he stood there on Christmas Eve hating the Whos. As he stands there hating them, his dog, Max, comes out and looks down at Whoville with him.
The Grinch picks Max up by the scruff of his neck, and starts talking. They’re hanging their stockings! Tomorrow is Christmas! It’s practically here! I must find some way to stop Christmas from coming. Well, maybe if you edge it a while, you could stop it from- what? That’s not what he meant? You’re sure? But he said- Fine. The Grinch knows that all the Who girl and boys will wake bright and early. They’ll rush for their toys. And then, oh, the noise! Oh, the noise, noise, noise! There’s one thing he hates it’s all the noise! Their shrieks, squeaks, and squeals racing round on their wheels. They’ll dance with jing-tinglers tied on to their heels. I thought you attacked the jing-tingler to your- you know, I’ll let that one go on my own. They’ll blow their floo-floobers, they’ll bang their tah-tinkers. They’ll blow their hoo-hoobers, they’ll bang their gah-dinkers. Ok, none of those sound like child appropriate activities. Is it just me? Oh. It is. Moving on. They’ll beat their trum-tookers, they’ll slam their sloo-slonkers. Actually, you can’t slam a sloo-slonker, their knockers can only handle so much pressure. They’ll beat their blum-blookers, they’ll wham their woo-workers. You shouldn’t wham your woo-wonker. I mean, unless you’re into that sort of thing. Personally, I treat mine with the reverence it deserves. The Grinch goes on to say that after they feast, and Who-pudding, and rare Who-roast-beast, that they’ll do do something he hates most of all. All the Whos down in Whoville, the tall and the small with do a most unpleasant thing, they’ll stand hand in hand, and sing! Cue the Fah who for-aze, dah who dor-aze reprise. Stick with me, people. We’re only seven minutes in.
The more the Grinch thought of the Who-Christmas-Sing, the more he thought he must stop the whole thing. He’s been putting up with it for fifty-three years. He’s earned a little peace and quiet. Max comes out of the snow with a mock hat and bears on, and the Grinch gets an idea. An awful idea. A wonderful awful idea. He’ll make a quick Santy Claus hat and coat. The Grinch takes scissors to his curtains, like he’s Giselle in Manhattan or something, and You’re a Mean One Mr. Grinch starts up. Before I get into the awesome lyrics of the song itself, he spends the time using Max as his dressing dummy to make his outfit. Then to run his sewing machine, which catches Max’s tail.
You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch. You really are a heel. You’re as cuddly as a cactus, you’re as charming as an eel, Mr. Grinch. You’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel. You’re a monster, Mr. Grinch. Your heart’s an empty hole. Your brain is full of spiders, you’ve got garlic in your soul, Mr. Grinch. I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty-nine and a half foot pole!
The Grinch admires his look in the mirror. Now he just needs a reindeer. Reindeer being scarce in the Land of Who, he decides he’ll just make one. Seeing where this is going, Max hides under the bed. The Grinch gets him out, and uses black thread, to attach a big horn to the top of his head. It topples Max over. He’s too horn-y. That one wrote itself. The Grinch removes some of the bulk from the horn, and Max is able to stand upright. He loads his ramshackle sleigh with some bags and sacks, and whistles for Max. Being a dog, he naturally assumed they’re going for a ride, and sits in the sleigh, wagging and happy. The Grinch breaks the forth wall to look at us, the goes to remind Max who the master is. Taking Max by the horn, he attaches him to the front of the sleigh, cracks the whip, yes on his dog, and they start towards Whoville. Max tries to run faster than the downhill momentum of the sleigh, and fails. He ends up under it, behind it, on it, pulled back to the front, upside down, clinging to the Grinch, then managers to stay ahead of it. I’d like to point out that the Grinch is about to do his burgling while the Whos are a-snooze. Why he needs Max dressed as a reindeer is beyond me. I get the point of his outfit, but Max is clearly a dog in a horn. Whatever, maybe the Whos are gullible. Spoiler alert, they are.
They reach the first house, and Max steadies the ladder. The Grinch slid down the chimney, a rather tight pinch, but if Santa could do it, then so could the Grinch. He got stuck only once, for a minute or two, then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue. First to go, the stockings. The Grinch pulls out a magnet and uses it to remove the nails holding them up. Next, with a smile most unpleasant, he took every present. Pop guns, pampoonas, pantookas and drums, checkerboards, bizzel-binks, popcorn and plums. Then, for whatever reason, rather than opening the door, he sends his stolen goods UP the chimney, where upon the roof, he then has to send them back to ground level. Me thinks the Whos aren’t the only dim bulbs in the land. We get another verse of Mr. Grinch as the stealing montage plays. During the thefts, his poor dog is the one having to carry all the sacks to the sleigh. All the Grinch really needs to do is take anything that makes noise, and all the batteries as well. There will be unhappy kids, and statistically a few moms too, but problem solved.
You’re a vile one, Mr. Grinch. You have termites in your smile. You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile, Mr. Grinch. You’re a rotter, Mr. Grinch, you’re the king of sinful sots. Your heart’s a dead tomato splotched with moldy purple spots, Mr. Grinch. You’re a three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce.
He cleaned out the icebox as quick as a flash. The Grinch even took the last can of Who Hash. After stuffing all the food up the chimney with glee, the Grinch decided to stuff up the tree. Again I say, open the front door. Better yet, I’m gonna chime in with, haven’t you ever heard of, open the goddamn door? No? Well, as the Grinch shoves the massive wood in the small opening, of which I can now see the appeal, he hears a noise. He tells the chimney to relax, it’ll be over soon. Actually, it’s a sign from little Cindy Lou Who who was no more than two. She asks why he’s taking their Christmas tree. I must say, she’s quite articulate for a two year old. Though again, kinda stupid. There’s a lot more missing from the house than the tree you caught him taking, but let’s just focus on that, cause after all, still two. Grinchy Claus lies and tells her there’s a problem with the tree, and that he’s taking it to his workshop to be repairs, before bringing it back. She buys it, and he gets her a drink, and sends her to bed. Then he got the tree up the chimney. He even takes the log for the fire. Time for the final robbing montage. Final verse.
You nauseate me, Mr. Grinch. With a nauseous super “naus”. You’re a crooked jerky jockey, and you drive a crooked horse, Mr. Grinch. Your soul is an appalling dump heap overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of rubbish imaginable mangled up in tangled knots. You’re a foul one, Mr. Grinch. You’re a nasty, wasty skunk. Your heart is full of unwashed socks, your soul is full of gunk, Mr. Grinch. The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote, stink, stank, stunk!
At quarter to dawn, with the Whos still a-snooze, the Grinch took his loaded up sleigh, and headed home. Max, bless his little doggy heart, has to try and pull the full thing on his own. Poor puppy. A few cracks of the whip are motivation enough, and Max begins to get them up the side of Mount Crumpet, so the Grinch can take his load and dump it. Thought I was gonna make a load joke, didn’t you? Well, I’d hate to disappoint. Ahem, there once was a man from- what? The review is running long? We need to cut the load joke? Can’t we just-? But if I could- Sigh. The Grinch is delighted that the Whos are waking up. He can’t wait for them to realize that no Christmas is coming. He can just picture their mouths hanging open, Giggity, before crying boo-hoo. That’s a sound he can’t wait to hear. He ran to the ledge, placed a hand to his ear. Only he doesn’t hear what he expected. Fah who for-aze, dah who dor-aze starts up again. The Whos gather in the center of town and start singing, without any presents at all. The Grinch puzzles aloud to Max. It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes, or bags! Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more. Tender moments. Alright, running long or not, we need to break this down right now. Why the sudden message about presents making Christmas? This isn’t Peanuts. The Grinch never had an issue with presents being what the Whos were celebrating. Though it isn’t the birth of Who Jesus I can tell you that much. His crusade was to stop all the noise. Yes, he did a bit of overkill by taking everything, but he was trying to stop all the singing. He wasn’t out to stop the holiday. Granted, he could have just left a note asking them all to keep it down. Or he could’ve gone to visit the Sneeches, Horton, or even the Cat in the Hat, rather than staying home and listening to others have fun. Are y’all with me? Ok, on to the finale.
The sleigh starts to go over the edge of the mountain, and realizing they’re gonna sing with or without presents, the Grinch decides to save them for whatever reason. Christmas miracle, or whatever. Dunno why hearing their singing didn’t annoy him this time. No, I’m not gonna let it go. It’s kind of a plot hole, if you ask me, which you didn’t, but it’s my review so I’m not gonna stop. Except I am. For now. He Grinch scrambles to save the sleigh, and Max too, cause might as well. He gets Max free, though more accident than on purpose, then goes to stop the sleigh. Which is on snow. Fighting gravity. Yay, toon physics! The Grinch’s small heart grew three sizes that day, and the true meaning of Christmas came through. He found the strength of ten Grinches, plus two. I know they needed the rhyme, but twelve. It’s twelve Grinches. Also, he now has an enlarged heart. Someone page Doctor Who. Yes! I’ve been waiting the whole time to break that one out! Now that his heart didn’t feel quite so tight, he whizzed with his load through the bright morning light. C’mon, I can’t ignore that one. What do you mean, let it go? This isn’t Frozen, and I’m not Elsa, I don’t have to let it go. Let it go! I am one with the wind and sky! Let it go! Let it go! You’ll never see me cry! Here I stand- You do not interrupt a diva during her number! The nerve! The cold never bothered me anyway!
The Grinch rode back to Whoville, he brought all their toys. He brought back their floof to the Who girls and boys. He brought everything back, all the food for the feast. And the Grinch, himself, carved the roast-beast. He passes it to Cindy Lou, who gives it to Max. That’s right, puppy earned that! Boris repeats the non-Fah who for-aze, dah who dor-aze parts of the opening song, as we pan out to mountain, and see snow falling. We’ve come full circle. The last time I came in a circle was back in- oh, the review is over. Well, merry X-Mas everyone! Until next time, stay grinchy, and keep gabbing!