Ink of Geek

by Bevianna Bones

It’s been a while readers, and while it saddens me that I was unable to bring you an epically awful horror movie to celebrate Valentine’s Day, or President’s day with, the reason for my absence is now to be unveiled to you, the geeky world.

For sometime, pretty much for as long as I could hold a pencil, I have been perusing my artistic endeavors. It’s all that I’ve ever really wanted to do with my life. Unfortunately, in the course of my life, there have been circumstances that have kept me from making that passion a reality…such as an unforgiving career in retail management and having to pay the nasty, nasty billsies. With a career change late in 2015, I was able to open up my time to persue the things that I’ve been wanting to do.

I am happy to say, that with a newly renewed drive to make this life what I want to be, as of January 31, I have opened an Etsy store to sell my art prints of all things geeky.  There isn’t a huge variety on there currently, but I am committed to adding more every week.  The ultimate goal of this is to be able to make and sale art full time, through not only the interwebs, but traveling to many of the annual Comic Cons and other geek conventions. 

I invite you to take a look at my shop page on Etsy at
And to like Ink of Geek on Facebook and on follow me @jade_3101 on Twitter. 

I leave you now with some of my favorites of  the prints available so far. 


It’s Tom Servo!…and he’s huge!!!


Gizmo has had enough shit and it’s time to take it all back!




Holy na-na-na-na na-na-na Batman!!!


Oswald Cobblepot…I bet he gives great flipper.

If there are any ideas of characters you’d like to see, leave a comment on the blog, or on the Ink of Geek Facebook page.

Till next time!


Pride Post – Balls to Cancer

By Joshie Jaxon 

Greetings, geek fans. It’s been a while since I’ve done a more personal piece, and almost nothing is more personal than today’s subject matter. I’m here today to talk about that bulge in our pants; specifically, our low hangers. Unless it’s cold, we’ve been in the pool, are nervous, scared, there’s a breeze, or any other number of things that cause them to retract. That’s right, I’m gonna talk about my balls, and I encourage you to do the same. Either about mine, or your own. Up to you. The goal is education, entertainment, and to get the conversation started. Fair warning, there will be more “adult” level pictures than I usually post. 


Now, unless they haven’t dropped yet, and if that’s the case what are you doing reading my inappropriate posts, odds are that you’ve touched and played with yourself at least once. I’m betting that you all have, as penises are one of nature’s greatest gifts, and should be appreciated often. How often is up to you, your access to lotion/lubricant, and your threshold for chaffing. That being said, we all touch ourselves for pleasure and release. That’s just the basic biology of male plumbing. If you don’t release your scrotum’s contents on your own, your body will do it for you, most likely at night. Whether you sleep in jammies or not, either way you’ll have a mess to clean up. Back to touching yourself. No, don’t click for some porn and stop reading! I’m not done yet. That sounds dirtier than intended. Eh, what else is new. 


There’s an issue that can affect any of us, and is easily preventable, well, treatable may be more accurate, but is hardly ever talked about in conversations. I get it, talking about your boys is intimate, and if there’s a potential problem, it can be scary as well. It is difficult admitting that our prized equipment could have a problem, especially if that problem could be testicular cancer. The key factor here is early detection and treatment. As I stated earlier, and probably will again, we all touch ourselves on a regular basis. It’s time to add another level to that. No, I’m not talking cockrings. It’s time to start fondling your sack for more than just fun. It’s easiest when your nethers are warm, and your scrotum is loose. During or after a warm to hot shower is good, as is virtually any summer day. Winter causes shrinkage, but with the miracle of modern heating devices, you shouldn’t have too much trouble. 


Now for the technicalities. Cup your balls in your hand. You’ve had them for life, you already know how they hang. Get a sense of the weight, and how they normally feel on their own. They have space to move around in there, so you’ll want to focus on one at a time. Roll each testicle between your thumb and fingers. It’s normal to feel the epididymis and vas deferens, they are what cause there to be sperm in your cum. What you’re looking for, well, checking to make sure isn’t there, are any lumps or irregularities than what you’re used to feeling down there. Anything that may be on the testicle itself, could be cause for concern, but you’d want to check with your doctor, or healthcare provider. There was a clip I saw online, thanks to a link I found from the charity, Balls to Cancer / @ballstocancer that really is one of the best I’ve seen on the subject, and I’m including it here for you to watch.

Let me share a little or two story of my own. Like any gay man, I watch Queer as Folk. In fact, I remember when it was brand spanking new. Now, even though it’s been off the air for a decade, I’m still gonna call spoilers. There’s a arc in a later season where Brian is getting a BJ in the back room of Babylon. Afterwards, the guy says he wants Brian to see him again. Brian says no. The guy explains that he’s a doctor, and he felt a lump on Brian’s testicle. Brian goes in, discovers he does have cancer, and begins treatment. Not the way you want an anonymous blowjob to end, but still, good thing he found out when he did. After watching that season a few years ago, I decided I needed to be more diligent, and checked myself after a shower. A discovered a rather significant lump, that was definitely not one of my testicles. I wrote a short story on it, but in order to detach myself from the emotion of it, I told it in a third person perspective. I know it happened to me, but I didn’t want to own and re-live what I went through during that period. I’ll include the story at the bottom of this post so that you can read it on your own. Second spoiler alert, I’m fine. Your Joshie will be around as long as he can to share the twisted contents of his head. Dunno why I did that one as third person too. Maybe I’m a tad too disconnected from things. That’s an issue for a later day. 

The second story I’m going to share is a recent one. A friend of mine had been complaining about a pain in his sac. He said it felt like he’d been kicked in the balls, but he knew he hadn’t been. He knew about the scare I’d had, and that I try to stay educated on such matters. He said he might have me check, but he wasn’t ready to face the potential reality. A couple days later, I asked if he still wanted me to check things out for him. He said sure, stood, and lowered his pants enough to expose his equipment. He isolated the one he wanted me to check. I sat on a chair, and took his ball in my hand. It sounds like the start of some kind of male nurse porn fantasy, but trust me, when you’re on the receiving end of such a fondling, there’s nothing sexy about it. I relaxed my eyes, and relied on my fingertips to relay what information I needed. Sure enough, there was a small, hard, lump on the testicle. I asked if that’s that he’s been feeling, and he said yes. I had him feel mine as well, so he had a comparison. As it stands now, he’s waiting to go in to see his doctor, and find out what it is. 

I know that I’m usually here strictly in an entertainment capacity, but this is a subject I feel very strongly about. It wouldn’t matter if me or my friend had been straight; if anyone needed me to check and confirm something in their danglers, I’d do it. Obviously I’m no medical professional, but I’ve got a good idea of what should feel normal down there. Male anatomy is a subject I’ve been interested in since I first explored mine. Yes, for sexy purposes, but it’s also good to check the manual on something you’d like to stay in working order for years to come. Do your research. Talk to friends or family. Just get the conversation started. In short, fellas, check your fellas. A minute a month could save your life. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep fondling! 

As promised, here is the detailed story of my experience. 

He’d found it while he was in the shower, and when he did, his heart stopped. There was no mistaking it, it was a lump. His right seemed fine, his left was another matter. A cautious man by nature, after toweling off, he took to the internet to see what it could mean. Sadly, the websites all said virtually the same thing; if there was a lump in that area, it was most likely cancer

His mind raced as several possible futures ran through it. He tried to tell himself that he would be fine, but even he didn’t believe it. That night, he tried to sleep, but it didn’t come. He sat in the darkness, and once again researched what could happen. Worst case scenario, lefty would have to be removed. As the man pondered what that would mean to his sex life, the website stated that there would be little to no impact. It provided little comfort. As 4 a.m. approach, he looked up the number for his physician. He would call first thing in the morning, which was only a few hours away.

When he called the office to set the appointment, the person on the other end asked what it was for. “I believe that I found a lump.” he explained. The man was given an appointment for the end of the day, and was told that they would call if there was a cancelation earlier in the day. Now all the man had to do was get through work.

First thing he told his boss when he got in was that he had to leave early. She asked what for, and for the second time in an hour, he said it aloud. This time was more real somehow. It was as if once a person that he knew was let in on it, there was no way to take it back. Once approval was granted, time slowed to a halt. As much as he wanted answers, he dreaded them at the same time. It didn’t take long for the man to worry himself sick.

Finally the end of the work day arrived. Music was little help on the drive to the doctor’s office. With only one other patient, he didn’t spend too much time in the waiting room, and was finally was called back. The nurse was polite and friendly. Under normal circumstances, the man would have been more sociable. As it was, he was tired and a little light headed. He hadn’t really eaten during the entire day.

Twenty nerve wracking minutes later, the doctor arrived. The man had the brief thought that he was cute, but it quickly went away. The doctor asked if there was a history of cancer in the man’s family. The man shook his head. There was none that he was aware of, but then again, he’d only known his father for the past four years, and this sort of thing just hadn’t come up. The doctor put on his gloves, and asked the man to remove his pants. He joked that this would be more uncomfortable for the man than it would be for him, since he did this sort of thing all the time. If the man hadn’t been as afraid as he was, he’d have remarked that he wasn’t that unfamiliar with being touched by men. In spite of the cute doctor touching and rubbing his lower regions, the man didn’t get any pleasure from it. The websites had said that an erection wasn’t uncommon, and not to be embarrassed. With as preoccupied as the man was, he didn’t get beyond half mast. Fear had overridden his body’s natural reactions. 

Gloves came off, and pants came up. The doctor felt certain that what he’d felt wasn’t cancer. Still, he wanted an ultrasound, just to be sure. An appointment was made for the next morning. The man was assured that as soon as the doctor had the results, that he would be contacted. The doctor told the man to try and not lose any more sleep over it. The man nodded in agreement, but knew that it would still be another restless night.

When he got to his car, the man called his father. He asked about a possible family history of the disease. His father said no, and asked the reason for the inquiry. The man explained what had happened, and where he’d just been. His father told him that he had something similar on his own lefty, and asked that he be told when the man had his results, in case he needed to get his own looked at. On his drive home, the skies opened up, and rain poured angrily down on the earth. It was as if the heavens themselves were venting the man’s feelings, since he was still too numb to do it himself. He managed to get to sleep by 2 a.m., but knowing that a call would be coming in the morning, it was anything but peaceful 

The nurse called and let him know when he would be able to come in. Unfortunately for the man, it was in the middle of his work day, not before as he had hoped. The man made it to work nearly an hour early, so that he could discuss the possibly of having a few hours off during his shift. Luckily for the man, there was time available in the schedule, and he didn’t have to decide between his job and his health. He managed to eat a small muffin, but still didn’t have much of an appetite.

It was a beautiful day outside, but the man wasn’t able to enjoy it. As he drove, his mind was still filled with thoughts of the impending exam, and its potential impact on his life. The doctor had told him it that the results would be given the same day as the exam. The man saw good and bad things in that. At least he would know. Whatever the outcome, he would at least have the answer.

The technician called him back, and took him to a small room. She instructed him to strip from the waist down except for socks, she joked, and then to lie down on the table and cover himself with the provided sheet. For the second time in as many days, some strange person was going to be touching him. This time is was a woman. The man laughed slightly in his head. The last time a girl had seen what was in his pants, he had still been a child. The man waited anxiously for her to return. The nerves of being naked on a table with only a sheet protecting him would have been a turn on under normal circumstances. His body started to react to the thought, but the technician entered, and his fear came with her. This was it. 

She explained what she was going to be doing, as she pulled back the sheet, taking care to only expose the pair that she needed to exam, but not the rest of him. The man expected the gel to be cold, which wouldn’t help the area she was going to be working on, but it was room temperature. There was a giant monitor on the wall in the man’s field of vision. Seconds later he was seeing inside himself. The technician was friendly, but professional. She explained what she was seeing, and why she was checking from the angles that she was. The man found the whole experience to be surreal. Naked and exposed, he was having a conversation with a woman as her instrument was making pass after pass over his dangly bits. Even with the activity in that area, the bit that was covered didn’t stir at all. It was as if it too, was concerned about the fate of its companions.

A dark mass appeared on the screen, and after having looked at what should be normal, the man knew that it was something out of the ordinary. He felt his heart rate elevate. The technician looked him in the eye as she explained that it was most likely fluid, and not to worry about anything. Easy for her to say, he thought to himself. She moved to the right, since that was the one he had said was normal. After a minute or two there was another dark mass, this one significantly smaller than the one that had been found on the left. She explained that it was a small cyst, and not to be concerned, as they were fairly common in men of his age. She took another pass over both of them, and showed the man how it appeared that he just had a bit of fluid, but that the radiologist would need to look at everything to be sure.

The technician told him that he was alright to wipe off the gel, and to get dressed. Alone, with the door closed, he removed the sheet. Again, the inappropriate thought of anyone being able to walk in on him before he was dressed gave the man a brief thought of excitement. He shook it off, and continued to put his clothes on. He wasn’t out of the woods yet, and wasn’t able to entertain any other thoughts until he knew what the radiologist thought of what he’d seen.

The man was shown to a small waiting area, and was told that he could watch TV while the radiologist examined his file. He left it turned off. He was so close to answers, that he couldn’t allow himself any level of distraction. Whatever was going to happen in the next few moments was going to impact his life. The man remembered that it is always better to hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. In his mind, he tried to imagine having an actual surgery. He couldn’t do it. That was one thought that was too intense to think of without a diagnosis to back it up. He could hear the radiologist and the technician talking, but couldn’t make out what was said. A few minutes later, she joined him in the waiting area. She was smiling. The man took it as a good sign. The technician confirmed that it had been an epididymal cyst on the left. It was non-lethal, and didn’t need to be removed, unless it grew and started to crowd the area’s natural inhabitant, or caused pain. There was no trace of cancer, and the man was going to be fine. The man had to ask her to repeat it, as it had not been the answer he was expecting. He wanted to hear it again, before he would be relieved. She gave him the good news once more, and told him he was free to go.

The man wasn’t as excited as he thought he would be, and he wasn’t sure why. Perhaps he had spent too much time in his own head, rather than relaxing and waiting for evidence before stressing himself out. Either way, he was looking forward to calling his father and giving him the good news. A bright future loomed on the horizon, and he was going to be a part of it.

To end on a humorous note, here’s a pic I did on #FumbleFriday for @BallstoCancer

Gargoyles – Awakening, Part 1


By Joshie Jaxon 

Greetings, geek fans! Time for one of my favorite cartoons of all time. Even for Disney, they had a wonderfully dark, and detailed plot, which may explain why it didn’t last long. Anything too interesting or clever tends to get canceled, which is upsetting to those of us who grow attached to such creative works. Oh well, we accept the limitations the masses have placed on us, and continue to try to find ways around it. Until such a time as that happens, thank the creator for DVD collections. Let the geeks begin! 

For staters, they just have the episode title show up. No credits. No Goliath, spoilery voiceover. They just throw us right into the action. I appreciate that in a show. I like having to figure a little of it out without it just being spoon fed to me. More kids’ shows need to do that. Force us, er, them to use their brains so they don’t go to mush. We open in what at the time was modern New York, but it’s 1994, so for us it’s old New York. Once, New Amsterdam. Why they changed it, I can’t say. People just liked it better that way. Yes, random ear worm. Sorry ’bout it. At the top of a cloud covered skyscraper, we can see the flash of explosions. From the street view, we see chunks of concrete and girders falling. Now, if jet fuel can’t melt steel beams, how strong of a blast must be going on up there to send girders crumbling? People flee the wreckage, as the cops arrive, and try to keep the gawkers away. Detective Maza arrives, and asks what’s going on. Cop thinks it must be one heck of a party. Elisa nearly gets flattened, and orders others away so they don’t become street pizza. Another chunk of concrete falls, and this one has four claw marks on it. More concrete, this time taking out a hydrant, and causing it to gush everywhere. As it covers the stone, Elisa asks what could be strong enough to claw solid stone. GARGOYLES appears on the screen. Are you excited? I am. 


Flashback to Scotland 994 AD. Yep, no Tardis, but we’re a thousand years in the past. It’s nearly sunset, and Castle Wyvern is under siege by Vikings. Catapults take out chunks of the wall, and in an act of self preservation, the guards try to flee. The captain tells them they can hold the intruders off. The guards say they can catch boulders with their teeth while they’re at it. The captain draws his sword, while brandishing his mace, and says it’s the catapults or him. The guards get back in formation. Captain says at sundown, they’ll have some fun. Down on the battlefield, one of the Vikings says it’s crazy to attack a castle with gargoyles this close to sunset. Their leader says questioning his sanity within earshot is crazy. He says gargoyles are nothing but stone, and even if not, the bounty in the castle is worth it. They throw grappling hooks up the walls, and somehow the leader manages to get his to the very top of the high tower. I know it’s a cartoon and all, but I call bull shit. It’s not a short tower, and he’s not a super strong Viking. As the leader reaches the top, the sun sets, and the gargoyle he’s next to begins to crack. It sheds it’s stone skin, and picks up the Viking leader by his wrist and tells him that he’s trespassing. All over the castle, other gargoyles are waking as well. Not wanting to miss out on whatever treasure he thinks is there, the Viking captain swings his sword at Goliath, who catches it. Blood starts to trickle down his hand. Yes, red blood from a sword injury. In a Disney cartoon. Reality! Love it! Viking captain tells his men to keep fighting, and that the gargoyles aren’t invincible. As his men begin fighting, he pulls Goliath off his perch. The captain gets away on a rope, as Goliath glides off. 


Other gargoyles are taking on Vikings, as three look on from the top of a tower. They are red, yellow, and green, and until they are named in-show, I’ll call them the stoplight trio. Red asks the others if they’re going to let their brothers and sisters have all the fun. Yellow accuses green of being scared, and green says nature trembles at his passing. Yellow pokes him in the gut and says he can see why. Elsewhere in the castle, old gargoyle is fighting, and Goliath stops an attack from behind, telling the old man to watch his back. The old one says he should watch his own. As the gargoyles fight, the guard captain uses his mace to break a sword. He thanks Goliath for his help, and suspects the invaders followed the refuges that they took in the other night. The big green gargoyle lands, grabs a mutton leg, and starts eating. As humans fight in front of him, he smacks one on the head with a bone, the resumes eating. A young boy watches as various other gargoyles fly through the sky. The Viking captain runs into the gargoyles “dog”, and tries to flee. He runs into Demona, who tells the human to face her if he dares. She then bares he fangs, as her eyes glow red. Diva! Fierce! Caught between a dog and a hard place, before he can escape, Goliath lands and tells him that he’s grown weary of this, and tells him to take what’s left of his men, and escape. He then proceeds to throw him into a hay cart. Viking captain says it isn’t over and that he’ll be back, as he and his men flee the castle. The castle guards celebrate, like they did all the heavy lifting. Their captain tells Goliath that he owes them their lives. Goliath says that they owe the humans theirs every day. 


Banquet hall of undeserved human celebration. Princess, Magus, and several people and dogs are enjoying their evening. One soldier says to another that he was worried they were under the sword. The other says the captain of the guard is a fine soldier. The other says it’s more like captain of the gargoyles, as the guard captain walks behind them and hears it. The princess thanks the captain, but he says the credit isn’t his to take. Without Goliath and the gargoyles, their defenses would have been useless. Being a princess, she says not to mention the monster’s name in her presence. On cue, Goliath and Demona appear in the doorway. Magus is so upset his drops his goblet. The guard captain says he asked Goliath to appear, and be recognized for his bravery. Princess is most offended. Beasts in the dining hall?! Um, bitch, you have a minimum of two dogs in there, neither of which did anything to protect your sorry ass, you ungrateful snob. Magus of the brown nose agrees with her, saying they are unnatural creatures, and no good can come from associating with them. Ah, racism. It’s not just a modern invention. Goliath approaches the princess, spreads his wings, and bows in respect. The guard captain says they did right naming him Goliath, after the soldier that fought David. Princess running mouth says the biblical Goliath was also a bully and a savage. Demona hisses at her. Goliath excuses them, and leaves. Princess ball buster tells the captain in the future he can make his reports to the Magus, not her. Magus looks so satisfied you know he just pre-came a little in his pants. The captain catches up with the gargoyles, and apologizes. Goliath says it isn’t needed. Demona on the other hand asks where his pride is, since they’re the ones who saved the castle, and are getting treated with contempt. She says the cliffs were their home long before the humans built their stone fortress, and they should be bowing to them. Which begs the question, since castles aren’t built in a day, clearly the gargoyles worked out some kind of alliance, right? Therefore, Princess Thistletwat shouldn’t be so uptight about them saving her ass. Anyhow, in an Xavier moment, Goliath says it’s human nature to fear what they don’t understand. Demona says his patience astounds her. 


Elsewhere in the castle, presumably later, Magus is going through his book of spells. Cut to what I presume is after sunrise, though the sky looks more like sunset. Someone in a white cloak leaves the castle, as the gargoyles sleep. At the Viking camp, the person asks the leader if he still wants the fall of Castle Wyvern. Perhaps a bargain could be made. Viking captain is listening, and throwing away perfectly good food.

After sunset. Guard captain tells Goliath that the Vikings may return at daybreak, and that he should take all of the gargoyles, and make sure they’re really gone. Demona agrees that they should go out in force. Goliath says it’s too dangerous, and he doesn’t want to leave the castle unprotected. He’ll go alone. Demona says that’s too dangerous for him, and to at least take her. He says no, and orders her and the others to guard the castle. She and Goliath are one, now and forever. Awwww. As Goliath walks off to get backup, Demona looks disappointed. The guard captain looks upset. Wonder what’s going on. 

In the castle, the stoplight trio is playing keep away with a roast, as their gargoyle dog tries to catch it. Demona watches from a tower. The young boy from earlier introduces himself as Tom, and asks their names. Yellow says aside from Goliath, they don’t have names. Tom asks how they tell each other apart. Yellow says they look different. Tom asks what they call each other. Red says, friend. Tom’s mom tells him to stay away from them. Red says he wouldn’t hurt the lad. Mom throws a stick at him, and Demona steps in. Yes. She’s not supposed to have a name yet, but “lady gargoyle” isn’t befitting her fabulousness. Plus, it’s my article, and I say she’s earned her name. We good? Red says they want monsters, they’ll get them, and wiggles his fingers at the humans with his eyes glowing. Yellow and gargo-dog does it too. The humans run away, and of course, that’s when dad shows up. Goliath orders them to the rookery, and to take the dog with them. Red says they didn’t mean any harm. Demona says it wasn’t their fault, it was the humans. Goliath doesn’t care. He won’t have his people fighting with the humans. 


Goliath and old gargoyle fly out to try and find the Vikings. Old one looks at the tracks, and says they’re light for horses that are supposed to be carrying armored men. Goliath says they’re close, and they run into the woods. 

In the rookery, red says it’s embarrassing. Green says he hadn’t been there since he hatched. Then he sniffs some slime on the wall and eats it. Yellow hopes they aren’t down there long, or green might eat them. In the weaponry, someone is examining the strings on the bows. 

Back in the woods, the old one says it’s close to sunrise, and suggests they return. I’m guessing they’re like vampires, and can sense the passing of night, or arrival of the sun. Goliath finds the Vikings and horses. As they charge, I notice a lot of bare back horses, and very few men. Where’s Akbarr? It’s a trap! Well, more like a diversion. They reach the edge of the woods right as the sunrises, and are turned to stone. I’m curious what evolutionary advantage that gives them as a species. Don’t get me wrong, love the cartoon, and the characters, but seriously, what’s the point of a living being turning to stone? There aren’t any real advantages to it, as opposed to say, becoming stone at will. Just food for thought. 


At Castle Wyvern, the Vikings attack again. This time, as the guards try to defend, their bows break. Someone opens the gate to let the Vikings in. The princess goes running down the stairs, calling for the captain, shouting that they’re under attack. He grabs her wrist and says it’s worse than that. Dick.

Fade to near sunset, as the castle burns, and the people are being taken away. Viking leader tells the captain he’s grateful, but asks why he betrayed his own kind. The captain says they aren’t his kind. Viking leader doesn’t care. He has work to do. He readies his mace to smash a gargoyle. Captain tells him it isn’t necessary. Viking says they’ll be flesh soon, and his men will he their prey. Captain says they aren’t like that, it isn’t their nature. Viking leader shoves him against a wall, and asks if he wants to discuss it further. Obvious answer, no. Captain watches as the Viking leader smashes one of the gargoyles. Even though they’re stone, and we’ve seen Goliath bleed, it’s still done off camera. Though again, here’s a prime example of bad evolutionary planning. I know this moment is a horrific plot device, but damn. After sunset, Goliath shows up and sees the damage. He screams into the night as the words, to be continued… Appear on the screen. Yep, they end the first episode with gargoyle genocide. 

Still love the cartoon, and I know later episodes more than make up for what we just witnessed, but that moment is still a rough one to watch. You’re there, asleep, defended the castle when you you awake, but are smashed to bits never to rise again. I wonder what happens to their soul/spirit/essence when they’re stone. Are they sleeping? Are they “dead” and inanimate until the sun is gone? I’d assume they felt no pain, but I wonder if they were aware they were dying. In humans, we generally do. Yes, I’m over thinking a cartoon. I do it all the time. You will too. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 


X-Men the Animated Series (Anime) – The Return


By Joshie Jaxon 

Greetings, geek fans! I’m here to bring you the fourth of my X-Men posts. This one isn’t nearly as old or nostalgic as the others, but the genre and style this one takes is worthy of recognition. As long time fans of the gab will know, I like anime. It deals with darker and more mature subject matter, and the art style allows for more detail than most modern cartoons allow. Let the geeks begin!


Once again I’ll start with the credits, so as to not detract from the story. Giant metal girder X, with several X-Men around it, as the wind blows them dramatically. We begin the Mouseketeer role call with Cyclops, Beast, Storm, Wolverine, and. Professor X. We also get Armor, Emma Frost, and Jean Grey/Phoenix. I say Phoenix cause she’s in her green Phoenix outfit. For scorecard purposes, we’ll say she finally has a code name in this version. Throughout we also get a shot of the U-Men, and their leader, but that’s not the point of this episode, the point of this episode is…

Phoenix, more specifically, Dark Phoenix. Yes, you read that right, the opening scene of this series is the motherfucking Dark Phoenix. Since anime is more adult, my language may be as well. I’m allowed, dammit. Anyhow, a city is being destroyed as Dark Phoenix tells the X-Men she’s no longer the woman they knew. She’s in her red outfit, and her hair is literal flowing red flames. Diva is looking fierce! Scott tells her to fight it, and gets a giant hunk of building thrown at him for his trouble. He uses an optic blast to clear it. Meanwhile Storm is using lighting to break the chunks thrown at her. Beast is just dodging cause his powers aren’t offensive. Wolverine uses his claws to tear through it, and gets a girder to the face. Geez, why does he have a crush on her? Beast uses his communicator to tell Xavier that Jean is no longer in control. The professor tells him that she isn’t responding telepathically. It must be the Inner Circle, they’re doing something to her. Logan says Jean is an omega level mutant, and if she goes supernova, they’re all dead. Scott charges at her, and she blasts most of his shirt off. Good, Jean. Now the pants. The pants! We see the Inner Circle nearby. Scott keeps saying please, and we hear Jean telepathically call his name, as the jewel on her necklace glows. In her mind, she tells Scott that it has to be done. She’s hanging by a thread. Part of her even likes it. Now just shove a finger in there and finish her off already. Ew. I grossed myself out a little there. Moving on. Jean cries onto her necklace, as Scott sees a vision of Emma behind her. Snow/frost blows at him, and he shouts to Jean that he loves her. Back in the real world, Dark Phoenix starts to power up. We see the real Jean say she loves Scott and always will. Scott tells her to fight it. The Phoenix fire blazes with intensity, and then blinks into nothing. Cut to Scott and the others in the ruins of the city as it’s raining. He clutches Jean’s necklace, and screams, while the Inner Circle smiles. Now that’s how you start an X-Men series. Not with angsty Jubilee, not with a football game, not even with a friendly training game in the Danger Room with my man Nightcrawler. Dark. Fucking. Phoenix. *mic drop 


Voiceover from Xavier, talking about creating the institute. How he had hoped that it would give his students a safe place to learn about their powers, and be themselves. The X-Men were his faculty, and believed in his dream with all their hearts. He goes on to say that it’s been nearly a year since the Inner Circle tried to destroy them. Why is takes a year to get over the loss of Jean, I’ll never know. Xavier says they still haven’t recovered, as he sits at her gravestone, which reads SHE WILL RISE AGAIN. Spoilers? Wishful thinking? Clever Phoenix metaphor? You be the judge. In his mind, we see the return of the hover chair, as the professor goes to console some crying students. He tells them that he will keep them safe. He tries to read the mind of a different student, but can’t. As he chases him, and reaches out, he wakes up still next to the gravestone. A dream. The same dream as before, again and again. 


In a snow covered Japan, a young girl is running. Two creepy, robotic looking men track her down. One shoots her with a shot of some kind, and it triggers her armor to rise up around her. The robotic guy’s leader watches as the contents of the shot take effect, and she passes out. I’m gonna ho out on a limb here and say that’s Armor, and some U-Men. I’m actually guessing, cause this is the one X-Series I haven’t seen all the way through. Plus there’s a girl with armor in the opening credits, not to mention Frost. Kinda spoiler-y, if you ask me, but cutting new credits probably costs money. Besides, they aren’t worried about people like me picking their work apart. More people should. I’ma come to your room at night and cut up your wigs. Anyhow, back at the institute, Xavier is one the phone. He asks when it happened. Then says he’s been looking for a reason to reassemble the team. As soon as he does, they’ll be in touch. He heads down to cerebra, and put out an emergency “urgent summons” message in his fancy touch screen. Time to assemble the team. 


Cruise ship near sunset. A smaller ship is alongside it, with several semi-automatic guns being fired into the air. Pirates! Someone shouts. Um, pirates should be a little concerned about wasting ammo on clouds, rather than say, I dunno, hostages and getting what they want. Whatever. Clearly they have no brains, or they wouldn’t need to rip people off and could make an honest living. At ant rate, Storm says she’s got this. Her eyes glow with lightning, and she summons freezing winds and snow to blow on the ship. They’re encased in ice, and Bobby Drake is somewhere wondering what good he is to anyone. Storm says you don’t get between a girl and her cruise. Someone asks her if she’s one of those X-Men. Guess they aren’t hidden in this series. The urgent summons goes off, and she says it’s about time. 

In the ruins of the city Dark Phoenix took out, the summons goes off on Scott’s bike, but he’s too busy staring at the necklace on the cross where Jean died to pay any attention. Angsty little ball of self-absorbed angst. 

In a lecture hall, Beast is addressing some students, about how they can raise the intelligence of a cephalopod to that of a human or higher. The students laugh. Beast puts a mic in the tank, saying that the squid will talk to them. The summons goes off, and beast leaves the class in the hands of Mr. Cephalopod. They all start laughing, until the squid starts talking, then they’re gobsmacked. You would be too. Side note, how cool is it that in this universe, Beast is welcomed as a teacher, and no one seems to care he’s a mutant? I’m liking this world so far. 


At the airport, a flight to Madripoor is boarding at gate X-23, which is a really fun reference considering which member of the team we’re up to. Don’t know what I mean? Educate yourself. I can’t do it all for you. Trust me, it’s worth looking into. A metal detector goes off, and we hear Wolverine bitching, as he’s asked to empty his pockets. A shirtless Logan tells them they won’t find anything. She says to empty the pockets or she will. Any excuse to reach into those pants, you know, for national security. Yeah, that’s it. National security. Logan says the problem isn’t in his pants. Hallelu! Though I’m sure he’s healing factor would cure any impotence he may encounter. Side note, Logan is voiced by the same actor that played him in Wolverine and the X-Men. Anyhow, Logan bares his, claws, and asks if now that she’s seen it if they’re good. I would be. Show me what you want to. The summons goes off, and he tells her she’s in luck, he doesn’t need the flight; he’s going to New York. 

At the mansion, Storm touches down first. Logan arrives on his bike, telling Charles that some of them had things to do. Then he comments on him still being bald. Beast arrives next, commenting on staff meetings and cafeteria food. No Scott though, he’s too busy brooding into his coffee. 


We see a picture of Armor holding a cat. Xavier tells the team about her disappearance, and that her parents contacted him. Storm deduces that this girl must be a mutant. Xavier confirms it, and says she exhibited her powers once when she was young. Hank says that’s unusual. Xavier says the X gene runs in her family, and though her parents don’t have it, they know that she does. Logan asks why the police can’t handle it. Xavier says every detective assigned to the case has been killed. Beast says someone clearly doesn’t want this girl found. Gee, thanks, professor. Xavier says even cerebro can’t detect any mutant activity in the area. Logan says his gizmo probably has a worn-out doohickey, and Charlie ain’t getting any younger either. Storm takes offense, and Logan tells her to keep her wig on, he’s just pulling Xavier’s chain. Beast asks if they need to go to Japan. Storm asks about Scott. They aren’t the X-Men without Scott. Um, there’s 4 of you, that’s hardly an X-Team as it is. 


Cut to ruined city of Dark Phoenix delight. Damn, that would be a great name for a dessert. Logan asks Scott if he’s been out here all this time. Then asks where he takes a dump. You guys don’t need toilet humor, you’re good as is. 

At the mansion, Beast says there’s nothing wrong with cerebro, so something must be cloaking that part of Japan. Xavier says they’ll find out when they get there. Beast asks if it was wise to send Logan to get Scott, given their history. Xavier replies that if he noticed, Storm went with him. 

Back at Jean’s last stand. Scott says he can’t fight any more. He needs a reason, and he’s lost his. Storm says they aren’t fighting, they’re trying to find a missing girl. Logan says if emo Scott wants to cry about something that happened a year ago, let him. He’d be useless anyways. Scott acts like he owned her, and Jean meant nothing to the rest of them. Logan says Jeannie would die all over again if she saw how he’s been living. Scott blasts Logan right in the face. Is that hair gel? Sorry. Logan asks if he struck a nerve, and says that would’ve been bad without his healing factor. Scott says if he wants to feel real pain to say her name again. “Jean”. Damn I love Wolverine. Claws come out, and Storm steps in between them. She asks Logan why he has to be such a guy and pretend he doesn’t care. Storm tells Scott that if they don’t find the girl, no one else will. It’s what Jean would have wanted. There are still people who need him. 


Fade to sunset. Scott remembers watching the stars with Jean, and her commenting on how every moment is precious, since they’re given so few of them. They hug under the starlit sky. Back at the ruins, it’s morning. Scott clutches the necklace in his hand, as the music of dramatic determination fills him. 

At the mansion, in the hangar, the team is getting ready to board the blackbird. Logan stops and sniffs the air. He’d know that scent anywhere. Well well, if it isn’t the guy who put shoulder pads and tights back in fashion. Scott says he couldn’t miss another minute of the witty repartee. Xavier says the X-Men received a call for help, and they answer every call, from human or mutant. This sounds very A-Team to me. People just ask the mutants for help around here? It’s like the ’66 Gotham police. What good are they? Anyhow, Xavier welcomes Scott back to the X-Men, and they take off. End credits.


Alright, time to tally up the score cards. Xavier, Scott, Storm, Logan, and Jean? Check. No Magneto or Danger Room though. No clean sweep there. All in all, each series has it’s high and low points, but those 5 seems to be the current staple for any animated version of the team. Well, there’s one exception, but that’s a post for another time. Until then, stay geeky, and keep gabbing!