Disney Dynasty – Trick or Treat 

  

By Joshie Jaxon 

Happy Halloween, geek fans! Before Marvel vs DC, Playstation vs Xbox, and even before Spy vs Spy, there was Warner Bros vs Disney. Unlike the other examples, where I have a clear favorite, I’m at a draw on these two. I’ve loved Disney shorts, and the Looney Tunes for as long as I can remember. I have several Disney Treasures and Looney Tunes Golden collections. I’m a fan for life, and why wouldn’t I be? These cartoons are able to stand the test of time, even though they were made before tv, cell phones, and internet were a thing. It’s good ol’ fashioned quality humor like Walt used to make. Today’s post is Donald’s Halloween adventure. Let the geeks begin! 

We open on a city. We can see a bell tower, backlit by the full moon, naturally. We hear a witch laughing as she flies through the sky. Based on the clock in the tower, we know it’s midnight. The witch scares the bats hiding in the belfry, and rings the bell, cackling the whole time. Then she approaches a black cat, raises her hat, and scares it. This witch knows how to party. She hops along the fence, stopping at a pumpkin. It turns, and is a Jack-o-lantern. This time she’s the one who gets scared. She and her broom hide behind a tree. 

  

She watches as the pumpkin moves on the head of Louie, who is dressed as a ghost. Huey is a red devil, and Dewey is dressed as himself, but with a small witch hat and broom. As we established, it’s midnight. Why are these three still out trick or treating? They ring the bell, and Donald knows it’s them from his living room chair. Why is he still up waiting on trick or treaters? Where is his brother/sister to keep their kids in line? Anyhow, Donald moves his candy bowl, grabs the firecrackers behind it, and heads for the door. He greets his nephews, and they say their standard “trick or treat”. He puts something in each of their bags, and they thank him. For once, they didn’t start this. The firecrackers go off, and destroy their candy bags. It spooks the witch and her broom, Beelzebub, too. Donald laughs as the kids look upset. Personally, I’m a prankster, but you don’t mess with kids, let alone family, on Halloween. To add insult to injury, Donald gives them their trick too, and pulls a bucket of water down on the boys. He tells them so long, and leaves them to walk home. Alone. At midnight. With a witch in town. 

  

Speaking of, she saw the whole thing. She approaches Huey, Dewey, and Louie. They can’t believe they’re seeing a real witch. She’s so excited that they believe in witches, she’s going to help them get candy from their uncle. She goes back to Donald’s and rings the bell. She introduces herself as Hazel, Witch Hazel, that is. Side note, on my Looney Tunes set, they freely admit they ripped of the name Witch Hazel from this cartoon, but since it’s also a plant, no one could prove it. Anyhow, Donald pulls on her nose, douses her with water too, and closes the door while laughing. Good thing they aren’t in Oz, she’d be dead. She tells the boys that Donald’s more stubborn than she thought. Time for the big guns. Cut to boiling caldron. Witch Hazel recites her spell while the boys grab ingredients. Double double toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble. Eye of needle, tongue of shoe, hand of clock that points at two. She tells Huey this is the real thing, right out of Shakespeare. Neck of bottle, tail of coat, and whiskers from a billy goat. Hazel tastes the concoction, and has a suitable toon-style reaction. She tells the boys it’s loaded, and fills a bug sprayer with the brew. They all gather on Beelzebub and fly off to Donald’s. 

  

Donald is snacking out of his pantry. He hears Hazel laughing, and rushes to the window, to see his nephews riding on a broom. Time for a musical number. There’s a voiceover song as Hazel starts animating objects. She starts with a pumpkin, which moans in Donald’s face. Next, she enchants a paintbrush to paint Donald’s house green. It gets him in the process. She turns a post into a ghost. They all come up the walkway, singing the last bit of the song. When ghosts and goblins by the score, ring the bell on your front door, you better not be stingy or your nightmares will come true. They ring the bell and disappear. Hazel flies handle first into Donald and pins him to the pantry door asking if he’s gonna treat or not. He says yes ma’am, and starts filling his arms. Hazel tells the kids that he’s a pushover. Donald takes objection to that, and puts all the goodies back. Then he locks the pantry door. He lives alone. Who is he trying to keep out of there? Daisy, when she visits? Anyhow, he defiantly swallows the key in front of Hazel. Time for an irresistible force to meet an immovable object. 

  

Hazel has been itching to cast a spell on Donald. Beelzebub holds Donald up by his collar, as Hazel sprays his feet with her brew. Hocus pocus, magic shower, put his feet within my power! Donald’s feet turn blue, so we the audience know they’re enchanted. Hazel orders his feet to kick the key out of him. We hear drums playing the beat as the feet make contact with his ass. 

  

Hazel uses her broom as a banjo and starts singing. Dance with your feet just as fast as you can, flipping like a flapjack in a pan. Hopping and lumping like a flea on a griddle. The key for the door is the key to the vittles. Do si do now mind the rules, with your old flat feet just kickin like new. Promenade way out west, that’s where the cactus grown the best. Now swing down south and turn on the heat. End the dance and take your seat. During all of this, Donald has kicked the key out, and re-caught it with his mouth a few times, despite also being poked in the ass by a very happy cactus. He finally sits right by the fire, gets burned, and spits the key across the floor. 

  

Donald gets to it before Hazel does, and throws it under the very door it’s supposed to open. Now he’s made old Hazel mad. She sprays him with more potion, and casts a spell that’s double grim. She orders Donald’s feet to smash the door down, with him. Donald rams head first into the door several times, but it doesn’t break. Things were built to last back then. She sprays him again while saying it hurts her more than it does him. Yeah, didn’t buy that as a kid, and I don’t buy it now. She orders him to get a mile or two of steam on his next run. Donald runs balls out, cause he doesn’t wear pants, get it? Anyhow, this time he hits the door and it smashes. Donald is dazed on the floor, as Beelzebub starts sweeping up treats. The boys shout hooray for Uncle Donald, as they take his food. Hey, Hazel did all the work, he was just a tool. Hazel tells Beelzebub they need to go, it’s nearly dawn. She flies away telling the kids goodbye. They say goodbye to her as well. At nearly dawn. After Halloween night. With a witch as their only supervision. Ah, the fifties. 

  

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Looney Legacy – Transylvania 6-5000 

  

By Joshie Jaxon 

Happy Halloween, geek fans! Ok, so it’s not Halloween quite yet, but still. I’m excited for this post more than almost any other. Want to know why? What do you mean, get to the cartoon? Screw you! This is an epic post, and not just because it launches our Looney Legacy category. This post is our 100th post on the Gab. That’s right, 100 posts in 7 months, with 6500 views in 70 countries. It is mine and Bevianna’s continued pleasure to bring you our humor. Let the geeks begin!

Transylvania, at night. Something is burrowing through the ground, and up a road. It smacks into a tree, and Bugs Bunny emerges. He rubs his neck and quips that the Pennsylvania hardwoods aren’t too soft. The tree has a sign showing he’s actually in Pittsburghe Transylvania. A two-headed vulture lands on the tree. One head, Agitha, asks who the delicious looking creature is. Bugs asks the ladies, er, lady for the shortest route the Pittsburg. The other head, Emily, says he looks sweet and crunchy. Bugs excuses himself and heads up to the castle, that he thinks is a hotel so he can use the phone. Castles don’t have phones, asshole! Sorry, Rocky Horror moment. 

  

There’s a noose hanging from a skull with chimes for teeth. We see above the coffin shaped door that this is the castle of Count Bloodcount. Bugs apologizes for arriving so late in the night. The Count says it’s never too late, and invites him in. Bugs says he wants to call his travel agency, as he wanders through the cobweb infested “lobby”. Meanwhile, the Count is floating around and ducking behind columns. Bugs wonders why hotels always hide their telephone booths. The Count appears before him, and Bugs thinks he’s the head waiter. He asks about the phone, and the Count leads him further into the castle. 

  

Bugs remarks how charming the place is. There’s interesting decor. We see a piano with teeth instead of keys, including a sign that reads “music to croak by”. There’s a painting of a bat that reads, “mother”. Another that says, “Aunt Harriet”. There’s also a tv with skull buttons and actual rabbit ears. Kids, “rabbit ears” is a term used for the antennae that you needed to have in order to watch tv before everything went digital. Then there’s the picture of ghouls scout camp from 1832. The hallways are all coffin shaped as well. I love visual humor. 

  

The Count opens a door and tells bugs that this is his room. Bugs doesn’t want a room, he just wants the phone. The Count holds Bugs’ head in his hand. Rest first, telephone tomorrow. Rest is good for the blood. Bugs agrees that he is a little fatigued. The Count tells Bugs goodbye, er, goodnight. Opens the door a second later and asks if he’s asleep yet. Nope. The Count says to ring if he needs anything, like a cup of cyanide or the like. Bugs can’t sleep in a strange bed no matter how nice the place is. He looks on the bookshelf for something to read. His choices are, Bone Guide, Blood Type Oh!, Unusual Blood Types, Rise and Fall of the Roman Vampire, Bloody Types, Heath and Care of Fangs, Embalmers Almanac, and Magic Words and Phrases. One of these things is not like the other… Bugs chooses the magic book and reads that magic can performed by potions, or by magic words and phases. We see the Count behind Bugs, ready to grab him, when Bugs says the first magic word, abracadabra. The Count is immediately turned into a bat. Bugs mistakes him for a giant mosquito and swats him. The Count flees out the nearby window. Bugs utters the next magic phrase, hocus pocus, and the Count regains his human form, right over the moat. The vulture asks herself if it was anyone they know. No, but he was a splendid specimen though. 

  

Bugs wanders the castle looking for the restaurant. He hasn’t eaten since Cucamonga. The Count floats through the castle after Bugs, who is humming abracadabra. Once again the Count becomes a bat. Bugs sees him, and says they really should screen this place. He reaches off camera for pesticide and sprays the Count. The Count hangs from a doorway, coughing up poison. Then Bugs sings to himself, hocus pocus. Suddenly the Count is hanging by his shoes, and falls on his head. He’s had enough. The Count flies up to Bugs and declares that he’s a vampire. Bugs says abracadabra, and becomes an umpire. The Count says hocus pocus and changes into a bat. Bugs can be a bat too, a baseball bat, abracadabra. The Count puts his red Sally Jesse glasses on and asks if Bugs would hit a bat with glasses on. Bugs smacks him, and he falls in a crack in the stone floor. Hocus pocus, now I crush you! Abracadabra, and stone crushes the bat Count. Muffled Hocus pocus! Count, looking worse for ware, holds the stone up again. Abracadabra! Crush! Strained, hocus pocus. The Count, with bloodshot eyes, struggles to hold up the stone. Abracadabra! Crushed again. I laugh at this every single time. 

  

Count batty crawls out from under the stone. Bugs, taking off his umpire uniform, says abracapocus. We get human body, with tiny bat head. Then Bugs tries hocus cadabra. We get bat body with human head. Newport News, turns the Count into a witch. Bugs thinks he can do better. Walla Walla Washington! The Count becomes a two-headed vulture. Bugs goes to the window and calls to the lady vulture. Look, Emily! It’s our little friend. Bugs shows them what he’s done, and the Count looks worried. They chase the Count out the window and into the night. She always said, four heads are better than two. 

  

Bugs finally finds the coffin shaped telephone booth. Kids, a telephone booth is something that existed so that if you weren’t home, and needed to make a call, you could insert some money, and do so. This particular type of phone is a rotary phone, where you had to put your finger in the hole, and turn. It sounds dirtier than it is. This was in the pre-mobile phone, touchscreen, google era. Bugs dials the operator, and asks to be connected to the Acme Travel Service in Perth Amboy, USA. Bugs hums abracapocus and gains bat wings where his ears once were. Bugs clicks on the receiver to tell the operator to cancel the call, he’s gonna fly home instead. Bugs flaps his new ear wings, and flies out into the night, silhouetted against the full moon. 
  

It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

  

By Joshie Jaxon 

Trick or treat again, geek fans! Halloween is one of my favorites times of the year. As such, despite watching a bunch of cool shows, I neglected to write posts on them as I did. I won’t do that with the Peanuts’ special. It’s a holiday staple, and been around for nearly 50 years. Some of us have been watching it since ’66, while others it started during our respective childhoods. Whenever you started, or if this is your first time, prepare to enjoy my take on the treasured piece of nostalgia. Let the geeks begin! 

We open on October 30th, before sunset. Linus and Lucy leave their house to go pick out a pumpkin to carve. Linus picks up an apple off the ground. Takes a bite. Then throws it away. Ah, the sixties. They arrive at the pumpkin patch, and Linus holds one up. Being the size queen that she is, Lucy rejects it. Linus tries again, and is shot down. Lucy points at one, and Linus struggles to hold it up. I’d say he couldn’t get it up, but this is Peanuts, they don’t set up a lot for my brand of dirty humor, but I’ll still try. Linus carries it back, but can’t get his big load through the opening in the fence. Wow! I’m pleased with myself, a glory hole joke during a Peanuts post. That’s a new high. Or low. Humor is subjective. Moving on. Linus opts to roll the pumpkin around the fence and to his front door. He loses control of it, and nearly crashes on the front step. Lucy, being the caring sister she is, does nothing to help Linus get it up the stairs and seems rather annoyed. Once it’s in the house, Lucy puts paper down, and centers the pumpkin on it. Linus watches in horror as she stabs the pumpkin and begins to gut it. She didn’t tell him she was going to kill it! 

  

The next morning, Charlie Brown is raking leaves. Snoopy sees one falling, and poofs it over to the pile. Linus is busy licking a sucker. Glory holes, and an oral fixation, Linus has a great money making future ahead of him. His lollipop and mouth are covered in leaves. As Charlie Brown glares at him, Linus says never to jump into a pile of leaves with a wet sucker. Thanks for the free advice. Lucy approaches and says she has a football. She wants Charlie Brown to do a few place kicks. Not being a complete moron, he tells her no. She tries again, and good old Charlie Brown sticks to his guns. He says he knows she’s gonna pull it away to watch him fall on his ass. Lucy says she can be trusted. She has a signed document testifying that she promises not to pull it away. Accepting that a document could hold Lucy to her word, he goes for it. Charlie Brown runs full speed, she jerks it away, and he slams to the ground. Peculiar thing about her document, it was never notarized. He’s learning more than she probably intended. 

  

Linus is sitting at the table, writing his letter to the Great Pumpkin. Charlie Brown approaches and asks what he’s doing. Linus smiles and says it’s the time of year to write to the Great Pumpkin, who rises out of the pumpkin patch with his sack of toys for all the good children. Ok, what I want to know is who told Linus about the Great Pumpkin to begin with? Was it a joke by Lucy that got out of control? Was it from some adult that thought it would be a way to make him behave in October before Santa mania took over in November? Did Linus do the Christian thing and take the parts of an existing holiday, that he liked, and call it something new? Sadly, Schultz is dead, and we’ll never know the backstory. Charlie Brown asks Linus when he’s going to stop believing in something that isn’t real. Linus says about the same time Charlie Brown stops believing in the guy with the red suit and white beard, that goes “ho ho ho”. Snap! Linus continues his letter. This time snoopy walks in. Now, we can hear the words Linus is writing, and they’re on screen, but he’s not speaking out loud. Therefore, Snoopy must be able to read, because he starts laughing his ass off at Linus’ letter. He laughs all the way to the living room, and points at the kitchen while clinging to Lucy. She promptly throws Snoopy out of the room, the goes to confront her brother. Oh, not this again! She can’t believe he’s wasting his time writing to a pumpkin. Um, you write to Santa, don’t you? Or are the VanPelt’s Jewish? Either way, what does she care? So the neighborhood thinks Linus is weird. They think she’s a bitch, but she doesn’t care about that. Lucy tells Linus to stop or she’ll pound him. Then some girl who doesn’t even live there comes in and tells Linus that the Great Pumpkin is a fake. Why are all these kids in their house? Cue Sally, asking what Linus is doing. He covers his letter, and says he’d rather not say. She’s too in love with him to think it’s stupid. He begins to tell her the story of the Great Pumpkin. He asks her if she’d like to sit with him. She says yes. Charlie Brown comes back in and takes Sally away. With his letter finished, Linus walks it out to the mailbox. Lucy says she’s not going to help him. He doesn’t need her. He uses his blanket to open the slot, then flicks the letter inside. Linus walks off as Charlie Brown approaches. He got invited to a Halloween party! Lucy, in continuing true bitch fashion, says it must have been a mistake. He must have been on the wrong list. Linus walks to the pumpkin patch with his “Welcome Great Pumpkin” sign. 

  

Time to prepare some costumes. Sally cuts some eye holes in a sheet, holds it up, and scares herself. Did she see the tag about it being a poly-cotton blend? Lucy, Violet, and Charlie Brown also have sheets. Lucy says a person’s costume should be in direct contrast to their personality. She then puts on a witch hat and mask, and we hold on her for a second. We get the irony. Sally asks Lucy if Linus is taking her to the party. No, her blockhead brother is already in the pumpkin patch, making his yearly fool of himself. Sally says maybe there is a Great Pumpkin. Violet says Linus misses tricks or treats ever year, and the Halloween party. Charlie Brown says he’ll never learn. Sally asks if she gets to trick or treat this year. He says yes. She gets excited, then asks if it’s legal. Sally then gets her arms stuck in her eye holes. She’s a special kind of special. Then again, Charlie Brown’s sheet is covered in holes. It must be genetic. What was the sheet budget on this show? Two other kids show up in sheets, and so does Pigpen. Snoopy arrives in a bomber’s cap and scarf. Lucy asks what he’s supposed to be. Charlie Brown explains that he’s a World War One flying ace. Snoopy leaves on his own, as the group leaves to go trick or treat. They stop to see Linus and give him one more chance to join the group and be normal. He asks if they’ve come to sing pumpkin carols. I’ve always liked Linus, he’s weird and doesn’t apologize for it. That’s the real lesson here, kids. Once again Linus says that the Great Pumpkin will rise from the most sincere pumpkin patch. Sally scoffs at him. Linus says he thought little girls always believed everything that was told to them. Sally welcomes him to the 20th century. The group walks away, but Sally, a slave to her not even double digit aged desires, runs back to sit with Linus. Then she tells him if he tries to hold her hand, she’ll slug him. So glad I’m gay. Women are nuts. 

  

The group goes trick or treating, and we see Lucy get a handful of candy tossed in her sack. I paused it, and counted at least 15 items. Why is this relevant? Cause she has the big brass shiny ones to ask for a piece for her brother. To paraphrase Latrice Royal, see, she’s not a complete bitch. Then she says it’s so embarrassing to have to ask for something extra for that blockhead, Linus. Heaven forbid she just share her own. The kids compare their take, a popcorn ball, gum, a quarter. Charlie Brown got a rock. Next house, a candy bar, three cookies, gum. Charlie Brown got a rock. You get the gag, so we’ll move on. Whatever happened to the WW1 flying ace? Charlie Brown says he’s probably prepping his Sopwith Camel. His mission is to find the Red Baron and shoot him down. Not only is Snoopy delusional, with a rich interior life, he’s pulled his owner into the fantasy as his narrator. Minute long sequence of Snoopy “flying” his dog house, shooting at invisible enemies, and getting shot down. He then believes he’s been downed behind enemy lines, and has to make his way through the French countryside. The dog needs a shrink. If only he could do more than woof. We rejoin the kids as they say it’s party time. First, they stop by the pumpkin patch to remind Linus of what he’s missing, and to taunt his beliefs, like the mean-spirited brats they are. The only two for sure that say nothing are Pigpen and Charlie Brown. Sally defends her sweet baboo, as the others walk away. She then turns to Linus and demands to know where the Great Pumpkin is. Linus says he’ll be there. Good. Sally has her reputation to think about, as well as all the fun they’re missing. 

  

Violet’s party. She and Lucy are staring at a pumpkin. They stop Charlie Brown as he runs by, and says they need him to model. The same twerp that mocked Linus earlier says he’ll make a great model. Charlie Brown looks so proud of himself. They set him on a stool, turn him around, and proceed to use the back of his head as a diagram for how they’re gonna design their pumpkin. Haven’t they ever heard of paper? Did their non-existent parents blow their paper budget on sheets? What the hell? Do they wear pink on Wednesdays? Did they ask Charlie Brown why he’s white not brown? For that matter, where’s Franklin? Just gotta remember, it’s 1966. Wait, MLK Jr had his dream in ’63. There’s nothing but white people in this entire special. Sorry, moving on. Snoopy drops in on the party, but is still in his flying ace delusion. Lucy says it’s time to bob for apples. Someone says she’ll be great, she’s got the perfect mouth for it. That’s not all a big mouth can be good for. She’ll he the Rizzo of their group when they get to high school. Lucy goes down for an apple, Giggity, and comes up with one attached to Snoopy. Ick! Her lips touched dog lips! Snoopy walks over to Schroeder and listens to him play on his piano. As the music changes from happy to more dramatic, so does Snoopy’s mood. He gets so upset he cries, and howls. Again, dog needs a shrink. At least he’s aware enough to be embarrassed by his public display. 

  

Back in the pumpkin patch, Sally is talking to Linus. He hears something moving, and gets excited. Is that? Is that? I hear the Great Pumpkin! We see a shadow moving through the patch. There he is! Linus points, as the Snoopy-shaped shadow rises. Linus gets so excited that he faints. He comes to, and asks Sally what he left them. She’s mad. She was robbed! She spent the whole night waiting instead of getting treats! She’ll sue! She could’ve had cookies and candy, and gum! Halloween is once a year! Sally grabs Linus by the shirt and screams, “You owe me restitution!”. The gang approached as Sally was on her tirade. They all leave, as Linus comments on the fury of a scorned woman. He has a slight waiver in his faith, but stays in the pumpkin patch. Back at home, Lucy is in bed as her clock strikes 4am. She gets up, looks in Linus’ room, and sees he’s not there. Since Mr. & Mrs. VanPelt must be passed out from their Halloween bender, Lucy gets her coat on, and goes to retrieve her brother. She gets him home to bed, and gets his shoes off before pulling the blankets over him. Ok, NOW she’s not a complete bitch. 

  

November 1st, Linus and Charlie Brown are behind a wall. No, not like that! Charlie Brown says all he got for his night was a bag of rocks. He asks Linus if the Great Pumpkin ever came. Nope. It’s ok, he did a lot of stupid stuff when he was younger too. What do you mean, stupid? Just wait until next year! You’ll see! Linus rants his way through the closing credits, as Charlie Brown rolls his eyes and has a “good grief” look on his face. 

There you have it, one of the most classic Halloween specials ever. I hope my commentary didn’t ruin it for you, but even if it did, that’s what I’m here for. Until next tomb, slay geeky, and keep stabbing! 

  

Garfield’s Halloween Adventure

  

By Joshie Jaxon 

Trick or treat, geek fans! This is one of my favorite times of the year. It’s not so damn hot, and candy is readily available everywhere. Ok, it’s available year-round, but Halloween specials aren’t. Neither is the chance to dress up and have fun as an adult. Granted, I have fun all year, but I’m one if those weird people your parents warned you about as a kid. Anyhow, today’s post, if you couldn’t tell from the title, will be on Garfield’s Halloween special, which is now 30 years old. Normally I’d lament about feeling old, but I’m high on Garfield and candy, candy, candy, candy! Let the geeks begin! 

We open on casa de kitty, where our titular feline, Garfield, is sleeping. There’s a test pattern on the tv. Kids, a test pattern is what they would put up when the station ended broadcasting for the day. Yes, television didn’t used to be the 24/7 500+ channel event it is today. The station begins it’s programming, and Binky the Clown wakes Garfield with his signature, Heeeeeey, kids! Time for jumping jacks with Binky! If you don’t exercise, you’ll grow up to be worthless! I hate you Binky! Then Binky calls us all losers. How did this clown get a show? Garfield shuts him off, but realizes that Binky had just said something about candy, and struggles through all five channels to find him again. Yes, five whole channels. The horror! Cue the opening song as Garfield dances around the house to the credits, before returning to bed. He loves Halloween. No pine needles in his paws. No dumb bunnies. No fireworks. No relatives. Just candy. 

  

Garfield wakes later to properly greet the day. He’s excited for all the candy, candy, candy, candy! Steady yourself, Garfield. First, you need a costume. Then you’ve gotta get a sack for all that candy, candy, candy, candy! Easy, boy. Garfield walks to the kitchen with his blanket over him. Jon is busy scooping seeds, after having carved a pumpkin. Garfield scares the bejesus out of him, and the pumpkin winds up on his head. Jon asks why he can’t stay mad at him. The answer is, “cause I’m a cat”. Truer words were never spoken. Jon says the pumpkin is ruined, and pulls it off his head. It promptly lands on Odie’s. Garfield mistakes pumpkin glop for lasagna and has a bite. Jon tells him what he ate, and he spits it out, and drops the bowl on the floor. Cats really are jerks. Jon offers him a proper breakfast. Garfield leaves. Then comes back for the sweet roll. Then the bacon and croissant. Then he just takes the whole damn tray. Good kitty. Cut to pumpkin Odie drinking from his dish. Blanket Garfield tries to scare him too, but instead he gets scared by the pumpkin-headed dog. He tells Odie that it’s not nice to scare people. Then he breaks into his stand up routine. Odie is so dumb, he’d have to stand on a chair to raise his IQ. He’s ugly too, it would take two of him to get any uglier. He’s so ugly, he wouldn’t need a mask to go trick of treating. Wait! If he takes Odie with him, then he can have two sacks of candy, candy, candy! Garfield, you’re a genius. He tells Odie that Halloween is a night where dogs help cats get candy, and if they do a good job, they get a piece of candy for themselves. He gets Odie worked up like he’s about to throw a tennis ball, while on a car ride. First things first, costumes. To the attic! Garfield breaks the fourth wall to tell us there are times he actually loves that dog. 

  

Attic of Jon’s future Hoarder’s episode. Garfield opens a box to find Jon’s bow tie, sunglasses, cousin Wanda’s wig, aunt Orpha’s false teeth, Roy Ogle’s root, string, sealing wax, all being tossed at Odie. Garfield turns to see him covered in everything, and jumps. Odie doesn’t look half bad. Garfield makes him take it off, and they continue their search. He finds the mother load in a trunk. Time for a musical number. What’ll I be? There’s so many sides to me. I know the feeling, kitty. So many sides of ourselves that we want to express, so few opportunities to do so. At the end of the song, Garfield says he has the perfect costumes for them. Cut to Garfield walking to the kitchen dressed as a pirate, complete with peg leg. Garfield stabs Jon’s lasagna, and claims it for himself. Odie appears with four peg legs, and Garfield removes them. Jon says they look ridiculous. Garfield says he’s killed for less than that, but let’s Jon live, as he’s the only one who changes the kitty litter. You’d think with as anthropomorphized as he is, Garfield could use and flush a toilet. Jon gives Garfield & Odie each a sack, and tells them not to be out late. Jim Davis has a very blurred line on their reality. 

  

Without “parental” escort, Garfield and Odie venture out into the night. Garfield sings a piratey song as they travel. Odie invades his personal space, cause he’s scared. Garfield tells him that it’s just kids like them that are out trick or treating, and that there’s nothing to be afraid of. He pulls the mask off of one to prove it. Garfield starts in on a song about not being a scaredy cat. To punctuate that line, he lifts a mask or costume, sees something scary, screams, and runs around it a few times before taking off. It’s worth pointing out that all of these kids are his size. Even on hind legs, Garfield can’t be more than two feet tall. Kids that size shouldn’t be out on Halloween alone, even if it is the 80’s. Anyhow, they reach the first house, and knock. Garfield says, gimme. The lady says you kids look great, and gives them each one piece of candy. How stupid are people in this universe? Clearly they’re a cat and dog in costume. Garfield points his wooden sword at her, and says if she’s not generous, he’ll go after her drapes. Several more pieces of candy fly at them. Again, cat and dog. No speaky English out loud. In print, Garfield speaks in thought bubbles we can read. No person in-universe should be able to understand him. Yes, that’s where I draw the line for my suspension of disbelief. Thank you for listening. Where was I? Oh yes, montage of Garfield and Odie getting lots of candy. 

  

Garfield says they should go across the river and try those houses. Then he wonders if he’s being too greedy, and missing the spirit of Halloween. Nah! Odie just shakes his head. The two take a rowboat, and try to cross the river. Not rowing at all, they’re at the mercy of the current. Garfield tells Odie to put out the oars, and Odie, being a literal dog, puts them in the river. Garfield says he’d walk the plank, if he had one. He laments being a pirate, and says when he gets back to land, he’s giving it up to just be a normal house cat. Odie interrupts his wallowing to point out an island. There’s a spooky looking mansion, and then the thunder claps. Another fourth wall break to say, nice touch. They leave their sacks in the boat, and go peek in the window. There’s a fire going, and Garfield suggests they investigate. He tries to kick the door open first. Um, he was just commenting someone probably lives there, now he’s kicking in their door? Bad kitty! Oh wait, he failed. The door creeks open, and without moving beyond the doorway, Garfield concludes the place is deserted. Then who lit the fire, eh, tough cat? The duo decide to warm themselves by said fire. Garfield turns, and there’s an old man in the chair! They’re so frightened, even the skull on the pirate hat screams. 

  

Garfield and Odie grab one another as the old man tells them to calm down, lest their carrying on stops his old heart. He tells them they picked a bad night to visit, and this could be the worst night of their lives. What he’s about to tell them has never been told to another living soul. Garfield says it’s a catchy beginning. The old man says the island holds a dark, 100 year old secret. That island is where a group of pirates buried their treasure. They had signed a contract, written in blood, vowing to return for the treasure 100 years later, Halloween night, at the stroke of midnight, even if it meant returning from the grave. Thunder claps. Garfield doesn’t believe it. The old man says to believe. The pirates had a ten year old cabin boy. HE was that cabin boy. He never took the treasure. They’d find him. They know who they are, and that they’re in the house. Garfield says he’s ready to leave. He turns to ask the old man if he wants to come too, but he’s gone. They go to the door to see him rowing away. Rats! There goes the boat! Rats! There goes the candy! My boat’s gone. My candy’s gone. Dead pirates are coming any minute. It’s past my bedtime. I wanna go home. I love that cat. 

  

Midnight tolls on the grandfather clock. Garfield and Odie run back to the front door, and see a ghostly ship approaching the island. Chalky ghost pirates rise from the water and head towards the house. Garfield says they need to hide, since “they know where we are”. Good plan. Odie tries to hide in flowers. Garfield makes them hide in a cupboard. The ghost pirates enter the house, and circle the floor, before going under it. The floor cracks, and the treasure appears. The floor is then magically restored. Odie sneezes, and they’re discovered by one of the ghosts. 

  

They flee, and reach the dock. With their boat gone, Garfield says they have to swim for it, and they both dive. Then he remembers that he can’t swim. Garfield goes down, and his hat stays afloat. Odie swims over to it, and looks inside for Garfield before tossing it away. Stupid dog. Then we see Garfield trying to grab a branch to stop himself, but it breaks. Maybe he should cut down in the lasagna. Odie dives down and retrieves the poor kitty from the water. They reach the shore, and Garfield takes Odie by the paw and says he owes him one. The old man was right. It was the worst night of his life. He’s had nightmares that look like birthday parties compared to it. They begin to walk off, and see the boat, complete with candy. Garfield comments that the pirates can have the treasure, he wants the candy, candy, candy, candy. 

  

Back at home, Garfield says he’s going to do something out of character. Since Odie saved his life 18 zillion times, Garfield is going to give him something of personal worth, and sacrifice on his part, his own half of the candy. Odie barks in appreciation. Yeah, yeah, I love you too, now go away. A cat after my own heart. Garfield says he’s wired, and turns on the tv. There the old man, in Garfield’s pirate hat, saying it’s time for a pirate movie festival. Garfield decides he’s actually tired, grabs his bear, Pookie, pulls the blanket over him, and goes to sleep. Credits. 

That’s just as good as I remember it from back in the day. That’s why I make it an annual viewing staple; even before the great pumpkin. Don’t worry, that one’s coming up. Until next tomb, slay geeky, and keep candy, candy, candy, candy! 

  

TCG Tuesday – Yugioh, Duel Field and Turn Basics

  

By Joshie Jaxon 

Greetings, duel fans! Joshie Jaxon here to give you the basics on the duel field itself, as well as the basics of what to do on each of your turns. Let the geeks begin! 

The new duel mats with the pendulum zones on them have made it idiot proof. While I don’t find even the most inexperienced duelists to be idiots, it seems the card people do. Rather than trying to dumb people down, they should trust that people are capable of learning what to do and when. Helps with that duelist pride. Even episode 1 Joey Wheeler knew what to do. Granted, I’m sure the pharaoh helped beat those lessons into him. Don’t get me started on early Yuma, didn’t know what a tribute summon was, but he still knew when to draw, play, and attack. Anyhow, the duel mat has a total of seven zones; Monster (5), Spell/Trap (5), Deck, Graveyard, Field, Extra, and Pendulum.

The deck and extra deck zones are set at the beginning of the duel, as are your 8000 Life Points (LP). At the start of the duel, you draw 5 cards from the deck, then on each of your turns, you will draw 1 card from your deck and add it to your hand. Followed by the standby phase. Simple enough so far, right? 

  

Next, during your Main Phase 1 (MP1) is when you can begin to set up your field. You’re allowed to normal summon or set one monster per turn. I covered special summoning in an earlier post, so I won’t really get into it here. To summon a monster you would place it upright and face up on the field, in one of your Monster Zones, and you would base it’s strength on it’s ATK points. If you choose to play defense, you would place the monster sideways, generally face down, and use it’s DEF points when doing battle. More on that in a second. During MP1 you can also play any spell cards, or set any traps in your hand, in your Spell/Trap Zone. Spells can be played right away, while traps have to be set at least through the end phase of the turn you set them before they can be activated. If it’s the very first turn of the duel, you can’t attack, even if you have an attack position monster. You have to give your opponent a chance to play something to defend themselves. Much like the old days, dueling is about honor. 

Pretending it isn’t the first turn, after your MP1, you can enter the Battle Phase (BP). You can use your attack position monsters to attack your opponent’s monsters. What happens next depends on the mode your opponent’s monster is in. If both monsters are in attack mode, then the one with the higher ATK wins, and the difference is dealt as damage to your opponent’s LP. If you attack a monster in defense mode, it’s turned face up, and one of two things will happen. Should your monster have higher ATK than your opponent’s DEF, their monster is destroyed, but their LP don’t take any damage. However, if their DEF is higher than your ATK, you will take the difference as damage, and their monster won’t be destroyed. After damage is calculated, you can attack with any other attack position monsters you have. If your opponent doesn’t have any monsters to defend themselves, you’re allowed to attack their LP directly. 
  

Upon the conclusion of the Battle Phase, you enter Main Phase 2 (MP2). If you didn’t normal summon a monster during MP1, you’re allowed to do so during this phase. You can also set any other spell or trap cards. After you’ve completed MP2, comes the End Phase. Simply put, you end your turn, and your opponent’s turn begins. 

As for the other zones: the Graveyard is used for monsters that have been destroyed by battle, and spell/trap cards that have been activated. The Field Zone is where you can set any field spells you play during your MP1/MP2. Each player is allowed to have a field spell in play, and both are allowed the benefits of each card. The Extra Zone is where you keep your Fusion/Synchro/Xyz monsters, until they’re ready to be summoned. It’s also where your destroyed pendulum monsters go, instead of the graveyard. 

Finally, the Pendulum Zone is where you can play your pendulum monsters as spells, in order to set the pendulum scale for pendulum summoning. I’ll be covering those in our premier duel tutorial on YouTube. Believe me, it’s gonna be epic. For now, enjoy my rainbow card sleeves and the demo field I set up for you, dear readers. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep dueling! 
  

Pride Post – Coming Out

   

By Joshie Jaxon 

I’m coming out! I want the world to know! Got to let it show! I am beyond overjoyed that we live in the world we live in. People are able to be their authentic selves, and don’t have to hide for fear of what society may think of them. That isn’t to say that we still don’t still have quite a ways to go, but I know that this forward momentum isn’t going to stop. We’re all going to be celebrated, rather than shunned. I sincerely hope that in my lifetime I’ll see it reach a point where no one has to come out, and that people won’t bat at an eye at sexuality. That wasn’t always the case. In honor of National Coming Out Day, allow me to share my story with you. 

Born and raised in Utah, the religious right pretty much has it’s hand in all things that take place in my state. Growing up, I always knew that I was different, but I didn’t know it had a name. Before the onset of puberty, I’d had a friend that I used to experiment with. It would be considered sexual in nature, but as neither of us had reached sexual maturity, it was more playtime than anything else. I knew that my penis got hard, and that touching it while it was like that felt good. Nothing ever came of it though. Pun intended. As I grew up and hit middle school, at least in some part of my mind I knew I was attracted to guys. In gym class I had caught a glimpse of peen through the opening in a guys boxer shorts, and the image burned into my brain. I also knew not to stare, or anything beyond the glance I had. Perhaps it was a built in sense of self preservation. Maybe it was manners about being told it’s impolite to stare. Either way, one thing was clear, I’d liked what I’d seen. 

High school came, and my social life dwindled. I was a game and comic nerd, and never had friends over. I was active in the church, and thanks to their oh so enlightened teachings, I spent most of those years feeling guilty for touching myself, and praying that the things I was feeling would go away. I was miserable through high school, and just wanted it over. That pseudo-societal structure isn’t a nurturing place for anyone that’s different. As much as I enjoyed some of my classes and friends, high school is a place I would never want to revisit. I’d had jobs through high school, and on my very first one when I was only 15, I’d been asked if I was gay. When I said no, I was told I should work on my mannerisms. At the job I had as a senior, I was called mariposa, and also told that the translation of my name into Tongan, I later found out, was the equivalent of faggot. Graduation was a happy occasion, as it meant I didn’t have to go through that daily torture. 

At 18, I knew who I was, but I wasn’t ready to accept it yet. Despite having looked at gay porn online, I couldn’t bring myself to admit who I was. It was especially fun when my mom had discovered my browser history, and point blank asked me if I was gay. Naturally, I told her no. She asked if I were if I would tell her. I said yes. My mom and I were always close, still are, but I didn’t have my dad or brothers in my life at that point, and didn’t really have a male figure I felt comfortable discussing such things with. As my 19th birthday drew near, I knew I had to accept myself, as I could no longer deny who I was and who I was attracted to. There was an out gay man at a job I started, and I would talk to him on occasion. I’m sure he didn’t want to hold my hand through the coming out process, but he was at least polite. I began writing in a notebook, trying to capture my feelings in a way I could articulate them. I’m much better on paper than I am a speaker. Most people who talk to me think I’m an asshole. Those who write with me think I’m a sweetheart. I’m both, but that’s neither here or there. 

  

Those of you not in Utah, or are non-LDS, may not know that when guys turn 19, they are expected to go serve a mission. It amounts to living with several other men, away from home, and trying to convert people over to the church. The living with guys part sounded fun, but there was no way I could serve a god whose teachings I no longer believed in, as they conflicted with who I was as a person. I decided to use the time most were using to prepare for a mission, to prepare to come out. I started with my high school girlfriend, as she had always called me a closet case even when we were dating. We went to dinner and a movie, and I told her she’d been right. Her reaction was an excited, “I knew it!”. Before I could tell mom, I told my sister. I needed a family member on my side in case things got bad. She was thrilled, and said we could look for guys together. The way I told my mom, was that I had her read some of the things I’d been writing. She cried, as I think most moms do, and was a little offended that I’d thought she would throw me out. Better to plan for the worst, and hope for the best. Despite what all the books said, it wasn’t turning into a negative experience. 

That is, of course, until my bishop wanted to meet with me. I asked my mom why, and she said because of my age he probably wanted to talk about my potential mission. I figured there was no harm in letting him talk, and we went out for ice cream. The talk was casual, and unrelated to anything at all. It was just a friendly outing. When he dropped me off, he said, “so, your mom tells me you think you’re gay”. I cursed her name in my head, and told him no, I was gay. I then had to endure roughly half an hour of religious nonsense, most of which I tuned out. When I went into the house, I told my mother to never do that to me again. She knew full well I was going into an ambush, and didn’t give me the heads up. We’ve since resolved things, and no one in my immediate family is a member of the church, so it all worked out. My aunts, and grandma were far more openly accepting, and have been for all these years. 

Next month will mark 15 years that I’ve been out of the closet, and while it feels like a lifetime ago, it also seems like it just blinked by. I’m proud of the person I’ve come, and look forward to seeing the person I’ll be. I encourage everyone to live their truth, whatever it may be, as long as it doesn’t harm anyone. Do right by you. You have to take care of yourself. As I’ve stated in prior Pride Posts, you are beautiful and deserve to have a place in this world. I hope that my journey may help you on yours, and that you have the love and support that every person deserves. Life is made up of moments, and they should be spent being the incredible person that you are. Accept yourself. Love yourself. It gets better when you do. All my love to you, whoever you are, and however you identify. Until next time, stay strong, and keep gabbing.