Top Ten Tuesday – Witches

By Joshie Jaxon

Halleloo, I’m back bitches! I know I haven’t provided a lot a of new content lately, but those who follow our Facebook page know I’ve discovered the joy of memes. I try to at least provide some entertainment for my nerdy gay community. Life has been fun, but time has been limited. Gonna work on getting new entries added. Gotta do what feeds the soul, after all. Speaking of souls, today’s entry features some poor unfortunate souls. I realize that I usually do Top 5 Tuesday, but this list I couldn’t narrow down to five, so you’re getting ten. Without further ado, let the geeks begin!

Witches have been a staple in modern media since it’s inception. Ever since Margaret Hamilton brought the Wicked Witch of the West to life in 1939’s The Wizard of Oz, there have always been some magical misunderstood ladies that just want things to go their way. I know that witches go even further back, I’m looking at you, Salem, but for a friend of Dorothy, I’d much rather be friends with Elphie. Those who’ve followed my past entries know I have an affinity for villains. Such an affinity caused me to leave the “good” witches like the Charmed Ones, Glinda, and Sabrina off my list. While it’s hard to rank them, I’ll do my best. Even as I type this, I’m not certain what my deciding factors will be.

Honorable Mention – Witch Marge

Treehouse of Horror VIII (1997)

Marge is usually a killjoy, but on Halloween episodes she gets to be a little more fun; when she’s not warning the audience about how scary the special will be. Goodie Simpson was thrown to an honorable Christian death in Salem, only to be revealed for the witch she really was. She gets an honorable mention for eating children, turning the chief into a gopher, and for getting a nod to another classic witch by correcting her sisters that his name is Homer, not Derwood.

10 – Endora

Bewitched (1964)

Speaking of Derwood, I’ll start the official list with Endora from Bewitched. She’s fabulous, shady, passive aggressive, powerful, and wears blue eyeshadow. She treats hers son-in-law with the contempt he deserves, at least with modern eyes. For the Sixties, his repression of his wife’s true self was to be expected, as was the cliché hatred of Endora as the meddling mother-in-law. She constantly kept him in his place, as best she could. Her fierceness for her time is what inspired me to name my black cat after her. Witches honor.

9- Magica DeSpell

Duck Tales (1987)

I adored Magica as a kid. No one should’ve been surprised when I came out. Oh wait, almost no one was. This diva duck is always after Scrooge’s number one dime. It’s an ingredient/focus for some of her powerful spells. We know this cause she gets her hands on it now and then. Her crow companion, and total disregard for the Beagle Boys make her a fabulous entry on my list. I plan on dusting off my Duck Tales dvds and giving her another visit soon.

8- Witch Hazel

Bewitched Bunny (1954)

Oh, Witch Hazel. How I adore thee. She’s only in a handful of cartoons, but she’s a delight in each one. That’s why Broomstick Bunny was one of my first Looney Legacy posts. Everything from June Foray’s exceptional voice talents, to her bobby pins when she leaves a room. I can’t think of a better villainess for their world. Well, Bugs in drag could qualify, but he’s far too entertaining. Plus, he’s more hero than villain. Unless you’re a fan of Elmer.

7- Dark Willow

Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Seeing Red (2002)

I didn’t like them doing the whole, you’re addicted to magic, thing to Willow. I would’ve loved it if they’d had her doing what she was doing cause she wanted to, as opposed to a lousy drug metaphor. I kind of got what I wanted when Dark Willow came calling. Granted, her lesbian lover had to be killed to do it, but it freed the beast, and allowed her to revel in it for a bit. Now, to be fair, flaying Warren alive was a little darker than I was hoping, but from her added confidence, to her callback to Vamp Willow’s “Bored Now”, to threatening to kick every square inch of Buffy’s ass, I loved her short time on screen. So much so, I went as her for Halloween one year. Gender-bent version, of course.


Movie Macabre (1981), Mistress of the Dark (1988)

Unpleasant dreams, darlings. Cassandra Peterson is an undead living legend, and oxymoron. She’s got some huge talents, and doesn’t mind showing them off a bit. If I played for another team, I’d find them sexy, but they’re just fun bags to me. Able to twirl tassels in opposite directions, I could leave it there and justify her place on the list, as that is witchcraft. However, I include her, not for her bespelling bosoms, but for her appearance in Mistress of the Dark. Elvira thinks she’s cooking, and summons a monster. She’s not a malicious witch, but since she’s not wholesome, I’m not counting her as good either. Besides, we get the great line “how’s your head?”, “no complaints yet” from her movie. Tens across the board.

5- Rita Repulsa

Power Rangers, Day of the Dumpster (1993)

Here we are, the top 5. Rita has earned her place as the Shangela on my list, cause she just can’t seem to win no matter how hard she tries. No shade, I do love me some Shangie. Rita is a fabulous witch, imprisoned for ten thousand years, only to be freed by accident. She spends a year with bad dub, and fierce eyeshadow, trying to stop teenagers. Failing, getting banished by her boss, coming back, marrying said boss, still failing, fleeing to avoid the Machine Empire, coming back to stake her claim, and, you guessed it, failing again. Her minions give her a headache. Her wand makes things grow. Giggity. You go, space diva.

4- Ursula

The Little Mermaid (1989)

What can I say about Ursula? She’s purple. She’s got drag queen origins. She knows the art of the deal. She’s the total package. The merfolk just didn’t read the fine print, so is she really evil? As people have pointed out, she was nice enough to give Ariel human legs, rather than say, making her a satyr. Ursula just wants to help people, she’s got a whole song about it. Granted, man-stealing so that she can collect her prize is a little low, but again, Ariel didn’t tell her she couldn’t. Ursula is just a victim of bad press, and a broken pole to the abdomen. To be fair, who knows what sort of ruler she’d be? Benevolent? Standard? Metric? The world will never know.

3- Wicked Witch of the West

Wizard of Oz (1939)

I was conflicted on putting Elphie here or the number two spot. Although she did get her own musical, is played by the legendary Idina, not to mention Margaret Hamilton, the Wicked Witch just couldn’t be put at number two. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a fierce diva who only wanted her dead sister’s property back, but she’s just not the icon in my eyes like the top picks are. Now, I love the use of minions, and doing whatever it takes to get what she wants. I’ll even over look the whole “I’m melting… melting…” bit. I just wasn’t a fan of Zelena and how whiny she was portrayed on Once Upon a Time. Unlike my next pick…

2- The Evil Queen

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves (1939)

The second queen to appear in the late 1930’s. Certainly one of the first villains I recall from my youth. Clad in purple, regal, dignified, friends with a crow, obsessed with being number one; how could I not like her? Ok, there’s the heart-carving thing, but what majesty hasn’t abused her power on a whim? I know, I know, most people root for the good guys, but I’m not one of those people. There are rare exceptions. The reason I’ve got her at first runner up is her magnificent display on Once Upon a Time, by Lana Parilla. Loses the love of her life, wants to make the whole kingdom suffer like she has, and lets nothing stand in her way. Again, I know I’m supposed to be on Snow’s side, but I just can’t. We’ve all had that loss that consumed us so deeply we couldn’t help taking it out on others. Regina is the embodiment of that. She’s also redeemed in her arc, but that’s more Lana’s input on her character than how they may have wanted to keep her. In either event, I love the evil queen. Long live Regina!

1- Winifred Sanderson

Hocus Pocus (1993)

Was there any doubt that Winnie would be the top slot, grand diva of the list? She’s been an annual tradition for 25 years. She put a spell on me. She’s got the sarcasm and eye rolls that have become a part of my very being. She takes care of her sisters, since they can’t seem to manage on their own. She just wants to be young and beautiful. So a few kids have to go. They weren’t gonna live past 30 anyways. She was just ending their pre-midlife crisis. Saved them from disease, or being put to work as child labor. She’s a humanitarian. Really, she eats human. Well, their essence, but that’s splitting hairs. She gets a great catchy song to curse the town. She’s played by the divine Bette Midler. Hell, if she hadn’t been bent on revenge against Dani, she wouldn’t have lost. But, it’s Disney, and we can’t have bad guys win for whatever reason. Winnie will always be the witch I root for, even when she’s tricked time and again. Woo hoo, witchy woman.

There you have it, my favorite bad girls. Well, of the magical variety. Did I mention your favorite? Did I miss any one? Feel free to leave a comment. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing!

Beetlejuice – Skeletons in the Closet

By Joshie Jaxon

Greetings, geek fans! Today I bring you a treat from the late 80’s. Some of you may not be aware that in addition to the Tim Burton movie, there was also a Beetlejuice cartoon. There are great nods to the movie throughout, such as the exterior of the house, and music by Danny Elfman. However, there are key differences. There’s no Barbara & Adam, and Lydia and Beetlejuice are friends. As you know, I like to do the premier episode of a series, but it’s a drawn out babysitting gig. Instead I’ll be selecting one of the toons from the second episode, as it features more of the show’s characters, rather than establishing Lydia’s friendship with the ghost with the most, which is obvious, and didn’t really need to be stated. We can infer from context. Let the geeks begin! 

We open on a dark and stormy day. There are dogs barking, and we see a skunk pop up, and start running towards Casa Deetz. Inside, Beetlejuice and Lydia are dancing in the air. He says he loves it there. Where he comes from, when it rains cats n dogs, it really rains cats and dogs. Lydia questions him, and he responds with, “would I lie?”. She answers, yes. Beetlejuice puffs into an angel costume, and says she knows him so well. More barking outside, and the skunk runs up a tree. Beetlejuice opens the door, commenting how nice it is to have real rain hit his face instead of a dog or a cat. As he says that, the skunk jumps onto his face, and they tumble into Lydia’s room. Beetlejuice comments that’s it’s a cute woodland critter. Then he sniffs it, and says it smells good. Lydia tells him it’s a baby skunk. Then she says it needs to use less perfume. Beetlejuice sniffs it’s tails, and says corral no 5, and wonders where he’s smelled that before. Then he raises his arm, sniffs, and we hear a foghorn. Yay, gross out humor. Oh wait, it’s for kids. Burp! Fart! Pee! Am I popular yet? 


Moving on. Lydia, complete with nose plug, dries the skunk with a hair drier. Beetlejuice asks what she’s gonna do with the nose-number. Lydia says it needs a good home, at least until the storm clears. Beetlejuice shakes his finger at her, and reminds her of her mom’s warning about bringing insects, worms, and wild animals into the house. On cue, Delia knocks on the door. Beetlejuice hides in the closet. Lydia puts the skunk in there with him. The door opens and Delia says the smell is coming from in there. Now, given what I know of the effects of, shall we say, herbal refreshment, they should be giving Lydia the don’t do drugs speech right now. Lydia swears it’s the aftershave she bought for dad. He says he’s gonna grow a beard. Delia says that’ll make him look like a gorilla. He says why not, he’s gonna smell like one. No, hippie. You’ll smell like a hippie. They leave, and Beetlejuice compliments Lydia on her lie. She says she hated to do it, but she was thinking of Stinky. Beetlejuice says she won’t be able to keep it secret for long. Lydia tosses the skunk at him, and says it’s going to stay at his place. Beetlejuice starts to protest, but Lydia is already saying his name. As she says it for the third time he asks if he’s invisible. Too late. Time to go to the Neitherworld. 

The first thing we see there is a veggie stand called Rooty Bagas. Yay, puns! Beetlejuice says Lydia shouldn’t worry, and that a little white lie never hurt anyone. From BJ’s Roadhouse we hear a creepy voice from his closet repeating “lies, lies, lies”. Lydia walks up to the neighbor’s fence to say hi to his dog, Poopsie. Beetlejuice turns into a cat and harasses the dog. Lydia asks what’s wrong. He says the dog is always giving him a hard time, but doesn’t know why. From the now shaking closet we hear, “lies!”. Beetlejuice steps in front of his door and says he can’t have pets. The door opens, and his skeleton friend, Jacque says they can’t have pests, even though Beetlejuice lives there. Jacque says Lydia’s friend is always welcome, no matter how it smells. Beetlejuice calls him out on not having a nose. Lydia declares that Stinky can stay, then asks Beetlejuice if he ever tells the truth. He says he does all the time. Then we hear the voice say, “Beetlejuice is lying.” He says that’s a song his neighbor’s sing. We then hear more of “Lies, lies, lies”. 

Inside, we meet a lady spider named Ginger. She tells Lydia she likes her skunk, and doesn’t even mind the smell. Beetlejuice whispers that if she had eight feet smell wouldn’t bother her either. Ginger asks if they want to see her new dance step. Without waiting on an answer, she starts dancing. Lydia and Stinky watch, while Beetlejuice pulls a face. When she finishes, Ginger says those dance lessons he sold her are paying off. He replies that yeah, they look great. We hear the creepy “Beetlejuice is lying” again. He looks at the closet, and there’s streams of light coming from it, with the chant of “lies, lies, lies”. Beetlejuice looks worried, and quickly hammers the closet closed. Lydia says something strange is happening. He says nothing strange ever happens to him. That’s when the doorbell rings. 

It’s the monster across the street. He’s Texan, and has the voice to match. He’s a cross between Yosemite Sam and the Red Monster from Looney Tunes. He asks if Beetlejuice has bothered his dog. Beetlejuice says no, and the boards he just nailed in come breaking off the closet, and the door opens. Two ghostly skeletons appear, repeating “Beetlejuice bothers your dog”. Uh oh. The monster asks what he just heard. Beetlejuice loudly declares that he didn’t bother his dog. The monster asks why he’s so upset then. Beetlejuice says a mailman bit him. Monster says the mailman is gonna get a knuckle sandwich, special delivery. Light is still pouring out of the closet. Lydia and Beetlejuice stand against it. She asks what’s in there. He says talking dolls he got from the neighbor kids. He says he likes to good good deeds, it’s just who he is. The closet can’t take it, and burst open with a green light. Ghostly skeletons escape repeating the same “lies, lies, lies”. 

Lydia says he’s got skeletons in his closet. Well, HAD skeletons in his closet. Then two of them going flying to Ginger’s door, knock on it, and tell Ginger that Beetlejuice hates her dancing. Ginger starts crying. Skeletons go to the monster and tell him that Beetlejuice bothers his dog. Monster is angry. Skeletons tell Rooty Baga that Beetlejuice steals his fruit. Lydia informs Beetlejuice that his skeletons are telling on him. Ya think? The closet glows, and a smaller, girly, skeleton comes out saying “Lydia lied to her parents”. Capt. Obvious tells Lydia that one was hers, and it’s gonna tell on her. Every lie you tell in the Neitherworld gets you a skeleton in your closet. Most closets can hold a dozen, but his closet is big. That’s why he moved into that place. Lydia’s skeleton starts floating for the door back to our world. Beetlejuice says over the years his skeletons just kinda, built up. Lydia asks how to stop them. He’ll have to look that up. Too bad an angry mob is forming. A skeleton knocks on Jacque’s door and says the Beetlejuice likes him, even though he pretends to hate him. While digging through books, Ginger confronts Beetlejuice about not liking her. He says he doesn’t like anyone. Cue Jacque, happily saying how Beetlejuice likes him, and running towards him. Beetlejuice opens the door, and causes Jacque to collide with the mob. 

Lydia says that Beetlejuice’s skeletons are upsetting everyone. Ginger is still crying. Rooty throws fruit at Beetlejuice. Lydia finds how to get rid of skeletons. Jacque asks why anyone would want to. Lydia says the only way to get rid of skeletons in your closet is to tell the truth, and that he can’t run from them anymore. He says he doesn’t needs her help. “Lies!” He can handle the problem. “Lies!” It’s not his fault. “Lies!” He didn’t know. “Lies!” Lydia demands he tell the truth about something, and asks who his best friend is. Jacque says its him. Ginger knows it isn’t her. Beetlejuice says that Lydia is his best friend. When he does, some of the skeletons pop. Beetlejuice says that truth stuff really works, and Lydia should try it quick. She says she’ll tell the truth about the skunk. The skeleton appears in front of a half-asleep Charles, and starts to say Lydia lied, but disappears. Charles chocks it up to Delia’s cooking. The next morning Lydia returns the skunk to the woods and says that’s one less skeleton in her closet. Beetlejuice agrees, but says it’ll never smell the same. 


Don’t you love it when a creepy cartoon still manages to have a moral in it, without being all preachy about it? Everyone got the lesson, right? I know I did. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

Disney Dynasty – The Legend of Sleepy Hollow

By Joshie Jaxon 

Greetings, geek fans! A new Halloween post is here. I’ve loved this one since I was kids, though admittedly, part of it scared the bejeezus out of me. As a kid it was scary imagery, as an adult it’s putting myself in that situation. More on that as the show progresses. Let the geeks begin! 

Our story begins in colonial New York, a short distance from Manhattan, in a place called, say it with me now, Sleepy Hollow. It’s a quiet, quaint little down, but it’s also foreboding. It is full of twilight tales, and local superstitions. Hey, they didn’t have internet, they needed to entertain themselves. Incidentally, the story is narrated by none of than Bing Crosby. I tell you this so when I say that Bing said, you don’t think I’m using the internet. Besides, he’s got such a pleasant voice. Bing tells us that there’s a tale of a local schoolmaster who once frequented the area. A pedagogue described as a most unusual man, one might mistake for a scarecrow. Tall, lank, small head, flat on top, with a long, snipe nose. As if a weathercock were perched on his spindle neck. We get it, he’s thin. It’s colonial times. Girl needs a sammich. 

One drowsy afternoon, at the old Snooker & Schnapps Shoppe, the rustic Sleepy Hollow Boys were gathered. Their leader, Brom Bones arrives, with a “yahoo”. Bing tells us he’s a burly, roistering blade, always ready to fight or frolic. I just bet he is. He’s a prankster, but there’s no malice to them. He’s loved in the whole county. He then opens a keg, pours a round for the guys, the breaks open the lid so that his horse and the local dogs can drink too. Yes, this is still Disney. It’s the 40’s, be glad that it isn’t historically worse. As the guys finish their drinks, Brom sees Ichabod through the bottom of his glass. He says “odd bodkin! Gadzooks!” It’s so quaint, I love it. 

Time for a musical number. The library is open. “Who’s that coming, down the street? Are they shovels or are they feet? Lean and lanky. Skin and bones. With clothes a scarecrow would hate to own. Yet, he has a certain air. Debonair and devil may care. It’s the new schoolmaster, what’s his name? Ichabod. Ichabod Crane.” During this song, Ichabod is sauntering through town with his nose in a book. He managers to avoid walking under a ladder, and also turns around a black cat that attempts to cross his path. Remember that, people. It’s a character point. As he continues, he opens a gate for a woman with a tray of pies. One appears in his book, and he scarfs it down. Told ya, girl is hungry. The townspeople all agreed they’d never seen anyone like Ichabod Crane. 

The school became Ichabod’s empire. With lordly dignity, he held absolute sway. We see him peeking in kids’ lunch baskets as they’re doing their work. He sees two boys drawing a picture on their slate of him as a bird. Bing tells us that Ichabod believes in the golden maxim, “spare the rod, spoil the child”. As we see him wind up to take a swing, yes really, he notices the heaping lunch the kid has, and decides to discriminate. It’s better to stay on good terms with the kids, especially if their moms could cook. Cut to Ichabod at a student’s house, sniffing the fresh turkey that the mother just finished cooking. Are we sensing a pattern?

Ichabod is in bed writing in his food journal, again, yes, seriously, as Bing sings. Who’s the town’s ladies man? Gets around like nobody can. I dunno if he’s putting out for these moms, or just charming them for food. I’d like to think he’s a man whore. After all, you know what they say about tall, thin, guys; they have big… Appetites. We’re also told that he has creative ways of padding his limited income. *cough hooker! *cough. By means of introducing culture to the town, as their choir director. We hear the ladies sing in harmony as Ichabod “boms” some notes at them. They’re all seduced and practically swooning. Dunno if that’s in the book, or just an excuse for Crosby, either way, it’s fun. As he’s finishing, Brom is outside, and gets a dog to howl on the final note. Ichabod thinks it came from himself, but the ladies are too wet to care. They all hit the ground, captivated. Bing tells us it was only natural that Ichabod be the ridicule of Brom and his gang, but despite that, he maintained an even temperament. Rather than indulging in the ladies, he instead takes advantage of the salad on the table. He doesn’t even toss it. Not a single leaf. 

Then there was the fateful day when SHE came to town. Katrina Van Tassel. Side note, I had a teacher in middle school who claimed to be her descendant, but given how the rest of the story goes, that wouldn’t have been her last name, and therefore wouldn’t have been his. Katrina was the daughter of the richest farmer in the county. Bing describes her as a blooming lass, plump as a partridge. Ripe, melting, and rosy-cheeked. Um, that’s a little much, Bing. Town it down. He sings of her being a coquette, as we see her charm all the local men into unloading her cart, setting up a picnic, then moving it to a better location when she objects to the first. That’s kinda diva, but not in the fierce way. That’s just taking advantage. Bing confirms it by saying she’ll kiss and run, to her, a romance is fun. There’s always another to start. Tease! Ichabod is on a date, but sees Katrina and is dumbstruck. He sits on the cake, puts the chicken on his head, and starts eating his hat. Look, I know the pickins had to be slim, but she can’t be that great, can she? 

Schoolhouse, kids running wild. Book propped up at the head of the class with the beatin’ stick, er, pointer. Ichabod is busy daydreaming. Katrina, would could resist your charm. Who could resist your father’s farm? Gold in those acres, and that ain’t hay. Oh, Katrina my treasure. Treasure. That barn is a gold mine. He’d love to hit the jackpot. Alright, this is definition of gold-digger. He even goes so far as to think that daddy can’t take it with him, and once he dies, Ichabod will step in. Poor little rich girl. Ichabod will protect you. Men are pigs. Only wants her for her looks and her money. I get it, you don’t want to teach forever, but c’mon. Seriously, grow a pair and take care of yourself. 

In town, Katrina is shopping, and handing her purchases to one of the various men that are smitten with her. I’d like to point out that in To Wong Foo, a group of guys were ready to gang bang Miss Chi Chi on day one, yet these ones, despite outnumbering her, are content to carry her stuff. Yes, Disney universe vs our own, I get it. However, given that she knows what she’s doing, and Ichabod’s fantasy proves he doesn’t care about her at all as a person, the whole thing is just stupid. For the record, I don’t condone “rape culture”. I’m not saying she’s asking for it. Are we clear? Good. Ichabod seems to think brains will give him an advantage in the dating pool over the bumpkin locals. What he didn’t count on was Brom clearing them all away. Bing says it piqued and provoked Katrina. Ichabod shows up and picks up all the packages the other men had left when Brom made them leave. Katrina gives some good side-eye to Brom, then smiles at Ichabod. He begins to walk her home, but stops at a small stream in town, and takes off his coat so she can step on it and not ruin her shoes. Side bar, if she’s using him, and he’s more than willing to be used, are they still both bad people, or does that make them a perfect match? Brom ain’t having it either way, and races on his horse through the muddy water, covering Ichabod, and somehow sparing Katrina. She’s on the back of Brom’s horse as he gathers her things. Not wanting her game over, she pulls a handkerchief from her bosom, and tosses it at Ichabod. He’s not giving up! 

In fact, Ichabod is so motivated, that he beats them to Katrina’s house, on foot. Who’d have thought the smell of colonial boob would be that great? Ichabod opens the gate, and offers Katrina his arm. She glances at Brom to make sure he’s seeing this, then leans in close before the walk on. Ichabod closes the gate, forcing Brom to fall over it, and drop all of her purchases. Uh oh, you don’t mess with a girl’s shopping. Ichabod and Katrina laugh, and the former stacks all the parcels back in Brom’s arms before escorting the lady inside. Brom scrambles after them, trips, and drops everything again. Ichabod goes out again to help pick things up. Brom is mad. The lower half of Katrina’s door is closed, so second base is the limit. Kidding. He kisses her hand and waves her off. As he turns to leave, Brom takes a swing at him. Ichabod goes inside, and closes the door. A lady, unescorted during the day? Scandal! He grabs flowers off the table and hands them to her while giving her goo goo eyes. She looks up and sees Brom trying to look inside the window above the door. Katrina places a flower in Ichabod’s lapel, and pulls him close. Brom wants in! Brom smash! Until he hears a kissing noise, and starts to go mad. It’s only Ichabod kissing a flower, but still. Ichabod leaves, and Brom grabs him by his ponytail. He’s all lined up to punch him, when Ichabod waves and we hear Katrina “yoo-hoo” from the window on the upper floor. Brom dusts him off, waiting for the curtains to close. When they do, he takes a blind swing, and punches a hole through a tree. Repeat, punches a hole through a tree! Cartoon or not, this is set in the real world, so damn! 


As the Van Tassel annual Halloween frolic drew near, Katrina decides to stoke the fires of the smoldering rivalry, by personally inviting Ichabod. We see him spiffing up in front of his mirror, and “splashing” himself with chalk dust. To this day, I don’t know why. It’s not fragrant and sure wouldn’t have been back then. Anyhow, he rides the horse he borrowed for the party, whistling the whole time. 

At the party, Ichabod feels he has the edge, and prides himself on his dancing. Brom sits to the side, feeling he’s been bested. As Ichabod is being charming and graceful, Brom notices a plump wallflower. She smiles at him, and he winces. Jerk. Big girls need love too. Brom then gets the idea to dump her on the schoolmaster. He offers her to dance; she grabs him and holds on for dear life. Cause after all, as we’ve learned from the past, women are nothing without men, so she isn’t about to give up her only chance at happiness. Yes, he hits me, but you just don’t understand! Sad to say there are still some out there with this mentality. Where was I? Oh yes, the dancing. The plump girl in green is laughing at having fun. Brom manages to get her with Ichabod, but he quickly trades back, and gets away from them. Brom chases after them. He tries to leave his dance partner on a bench, but she won’t go without a fight. He manages to lock her out of the room, and begins trying to get Ichabod to fall into the cellar. Doesn’t work on both counts. She busts in the lower half of the door, and goes right for Brom. I’d like to point out that for her height, there are several moments it looks like she’s giving him head. As LeVar Burton says, you don’t have to take my word for it. 

As the evening passed, Van Tassel asked his guests to tell ghostly tales of Halloween. Ichabod, busy loading up a plate, spilled the salt, and tossed some over his shoulder. Brom knew that Ichabod was a believer in spooks and goblins. This would be his moment. Gather round, and he’ll elucidate, on what goes on outside when it gets late. Round about midnight ghosts and banshees get together for their nightly jamboree. There’s things with horns and saucer eyes. Some with fangs about this size. During this, Ichabod is eating, and looking a tad nervous. Then the guests chime in. Some are fat, and some are thin. Some don’t even wear their skin! The window is blown open, the candles go out, and a girl screams. Ichabod wraps himself up in a curtain, as Brom sings. “When the spooks have a midnight jamboree, they break it up with fiendish glee. Ghosts are bad, but the one that’s cursed is the Headless Horseman, he’s the worst. When he goes a joggin’ across the land, holding his noggin in his hand, demons take one look and groan, and hit the road for parts unknown. Beware, take care, he rides alone! There’s no spook like a spook who’s spurned. They don’t like him, and he’s really burned. He swears to the longest day he’s dead, he’ll show them that he can get a head. They say he’s tired of his flaming top, he’s got a yen to make a swap. So he rides one night each year, to find a head in the hollow here. With a hip-hip, and a clippity-clop, he’s out looking for a head to swap. So don’t stop to figure out a plan, you can’t reason with a headless man.” During the whole tale, Ichabod looks like he’s gonna wet himself, and Katrina is super amused by it. Yeah, it’s just a story, but if you don’t know that, it’s pretty damn terrifying. Think about it, someone wants to cutoff your head and keep it as their own. It’s very Mombi. Brom says if they doubt his tale is so, he met the spook a year ago. He didn’t stop for a second look, but made for the bridge across the brook, cause once you cross that bridge my friends, the ghost is through his power ends. 

Later that night, as Ichabod rides home through the hollow, he’s filled with anxiety and terror, as the details of Brom’s story are in his mind. The clouds cover the moon, and the wind is making spooky noises. He tries to whistle his way through it, but as the crickets, frogs and toads are making noise, he can’t. He swears they’re croaking his name. He runs into what looks like a ghost, but it’s just a tree with two fireflies in it. Then the croaking almost sounds like “uh oh”. A crow/raven nearly collided with his face, cawing “beware”, as we see the cemetery. Ichabod hears galloping, but his horse isn’t moving. He gets off, and tries to push it into going. When that doesn’t work, he ties pulling. He ends up falling backwards next to a log where cattails are beating against it, making the hoof noises. Ichabod laughs nervously as he discovers there was nothing to be afraid of. He even grabs some of them, and laughs maniacally, as he walks back to the horse. The horse gives himself over to laughing along with him. That is, until they hear the evil laughing of someone that isn’t them! They look over, and there’s the Headless Horseman! He pulls out a sword, and a flaming pumpkin from nowhere. Run, girl! 

The Horseman takes a swing, but Ichabod dodges it, and scrambles with the horse to get away. There’s nearly two minutes of the Horseman taking swings at Ichabod as he tries to escape. It doesn’t sound like a lot, but when you’re watching it and invested, you’re right there with him. There’s no streetlights, no cops, not a lot of people in the “new world”. It’s just you, and someone without a head, on a horse, with a sword, trying to kill you. That shit’s scary. Here’s the worst part of it, as a kid I thought, oh it’s just Brom trying to scare him, but he produces the pumpkin from nowhere, and it taking swings not just at Ichabod, but at the horse. Bing established earlier that there’s never been malice in Brom’s pranks before, which leads me to believe that in this particular cartoon universe, the Headless Horseman is real. Further evidence of this, is that when Ichabod finally makes it through the bridge, the Horseman stops. If that’s Brom, he wouldn’t feel the need to honor that part of the legend. Even though he stops at the bridge, and Ichabod makes it to the other side, the Horseman throws the flaming pumpkin at him. Ichabod had been looking back, and was paralyzed with fear, the inference is that the pumpkin hits him in the head. Now, if the Horseman can’t cross the bridge, how would the pumpkin be able to? These are the things I think about. For that matter, the Horseman just wants head. I’m sure Ichabod could have managed to give him some to keep himself alive. Hell, in a life or death situation, I’d offer it up. Gotta go with your strengths.

The next morning, Ichabod’s hat is found, and so are the remains of a pumpkin. No trace of the schoolmaster. Can’t cross the bridge. How would he have gotten rid of Ichabod? Cut to a short time in the future where Brom and Katrina are married. Bing tells us there were rumors of Ichabod still being alive, and married to a widow in another county, but the people of Sleepy Hollow wouldn’t believe it. They knew he was spirited away by the Headless Horseman. *Bing mic drop

There you have it, ladies and gents. Another glorious Halloween tale. I got another today from the stop-motion animation era. I’ve never seen it. I don’t know how good or bad it’ll be, as it’s from 1967, but I’m working on it for you. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

Looney Legacy – Broomstick Bunny

By Joshie Jaxon 

Greetings, geek fans! October is upon us, and that means we’re all counting down to Halloween. Except my mom. She hates it. Seriously, I don’t know how we’re related. Personally, I don’t countdown to Halloween so much as the annual screening of Rocky Horror. It’s my favorite event of the year, that I look forward to for months. Some would call that sad, and they might be right, but only cause they’re comparing my life to their own. This season brings me joy, and I refuse to apologize for it. Anyhow, today’s post is on one of my favorite Looney Tunes, that doesn’t feature Daffy Duck. Side note, I found a new DVD today featuring something that’ll be fun to review. For now, let the geeks begin! 

Halloween night, Witch Hazel’s house. We see her diploma from the Malevolent Order of Witches. She’s got bats in a birdcage, and is currently in the kitchen. Hazel is serving a dress of basic blue, nasty black hair, green skin, bloomers, a giant bosom and torso, coupled with stick-like legs. She’s still fierce. As she’s stirring her brew, she sings. A cup of arsenic, a spider, some glue. A lizard’s gizzard, an eel’s head or two. For little folk, some poison oak. Despite her lyrics, she clips some poison ivy from her “herbs”. We won’t fault her though. On the way back to the cauldron, she stops to look in the mirror. Magic mirror, on the wall, who’s the ugliest one of all? By his troth he will avow, there’s none that’s uglier than thou [her]. She breaks the fourth wall to say she’s dreadfully afraid of getting pretty as she gets older. Pretty! She then laughs her ass off, and bolts back into the kitchen, leaving bobby pins spinning in the air. I love that gag. 

Outside we see a witch walking with a sack. It stops, pulls off its face to reveal that it’s Bugs Bunny in a mask. He said he likes the trick or treat racket, and wishes it were more than once a year. Back inside, Hazel is wishing she had guests. Cue the knock at the door. She answers the door and sees Bugs, who asks if she’s got any goodies for a Halloween witch. Witch? Hazel doesn’t remember seeing her at any of the union meetings. Oh, but isn’t Bugs the ugliest little thing? Ugly! Hazel rushes to the mirror, leaving more bobby pins in her wake, and asks the mirror again who is ugliest. The mirror looks at Bugs and gives Hazel the news. She was the ugliest, it’s true, but that creep is uglier than you [her]. Hazel freaks, but quickly comes up with a plan. Running back to the door, more pins flying, damn, Hazel got some strong weave game. 

Darling! She exclaims, as she drags Bugs to the dining room. Hazel warns Bugs that’s she’s going to worn out all of her ugly secrets, then asks who undoes her hair. Bugs asks if she likes it, and Hazel says its positively hideous! Bugs said he did it himself. There’s nothing like a home permanent. Hazel says she’s being a bad hostess, and is going to get some tea and goodies. She runs out of the room with, you guessed it, more pins flying, tells Bugs to make herself homely. Bugs breaks the fourth wall and delivers the best read ever. “She may not be very pretty now, but she was somebody’s baby once”. Shade! In the kitchen, there’s several ingredients out. Pretty pills, beauty ointment, allure unguent, handsome oil, and de-uglifying something we can’t make out. We won’t question why she had these things in the house. Based on her earlier singing, you’d think it’d all be eye of newt type stuff. Anyhow, she brings the “tea” to the table, ready to dish. 

Hazel tells Bugs it’s her own brew, and hopes she likes it. Bugs holds the cup up, and Hazel encourages her to drink it. Bugs says he’s gotta take off his mask first. He does, and when she sees his real head, she bolts out of the room. More pins spin in the air. I’m staring to think Hazel can’t really walk, and just runs all the time. Looking in her book there’s a recipe that calls for rabbit clavicle. We then hear Bugs saying his inner sense of danger tells him there’s something unhealthy about the atmosphere of the cottage, and begins walking for the door. He runs right into Hazel, who has a cleaver behind her back. He says he got trick or treating to catch up on, and bids her adieu. He runs, and she’s hot on his heels. Like any good victim in a horror scenario, he runs deeper into the house, and up the stairs. Here’s hoping he’s a virgin. 

They run down the stairs, and Bugs runs past the magic broom closet. We know this cause it’s labeled. Who is that for? It’s Hazel’s house. She knows where her booms are. We the audience would be able to infer from context if she went in and then came out flying. Oh well. Hazel enters, and declares hi-oh Sliver, away! Get it? The broom is wood. It’s an older joke. They got it back then. Moving on. The broom takes off, and begins sweeping the floor. Oops. Bugs gets behind a wall and catches his breath, saying that she wants to do him serious hurt. A carrot lowers behind him, and he’s transfixed by it. Bugs starts chomping, and Hazel reels him in, and scoops him in a net. Dumb bunny! 

Back in a room off the kitchen, Hazel is sharpening her cleaver. Bugs is bound from ankle to neck, watching. Hazel runs her finger along the edge and says its sharp enough to split a hare. Split a hare? She cackles her enjoyment at her own pun. More pins fly as she rushes to Bugs. In a signature Chuck Jones move, he’s got the big eyes thing going on, ears back, and we hear the violin. She winds up. Tears start to form in Bugs’ eyes. Hazel sniffles. Bugs is silently crying. She drops the cleaver, and starts blubbering. Bugs asks what’s wrong. She says he reminds her of Paul. He asks who Paul is. Her pet tarantula! I’ll assume he died. Like spiders should. Bugs does too, and tells her we can’t carry the torch for our loved ones forever, and to pull herself together. Um, wasn’t he the one who broke her? He walks on his toes to get her something to drink. He carries over the saucer and teacup in his mouth. Uh oh! 

Hazel, still blubbering, grabs the cup without looking, and drinks it down. She’s instantly transformed into a curvy, stacked, beautiful, redhead. According to commentary, Hazel’s “pretty” look was based on her voice actress June Foray, who I adore. Anyhow, Hazel realizes what happened, and runs to the mirror. Bobby pins still fly, cause there are some things magic doesn’t change. She asks it once more who is ugliest of them all. Rawr! The mirror then tries to grab her, and chases her out of the house. More pins fly, as there’s still time in the cartoon, and you can’t beat a good sight gag to death. The spirit of the mirror gets on his flying carpet, and goes after her. This time she gets the right broom from the closet, and escapes into the night. Much like the end of Transylvania 6-5000, Bugs makes a phone call. He tells the operator she won’t believe it, but he just saw a genie with light brown hair chasing a flying sorceress. 

Hope you enjoyed the October kickoff as much as I did. There will always be a fun level of nostalgia for these cartoons. More to come soon! Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

Disney Dynasty – Trick or Treat 


By Joshie Jaxon 

Happy Halloween, geek fans! Before Marvel vs DC, Playstation vs Xbox, and even before Spy vs Spy, there was Warner Bros vs Disney. Unlike the other examples, where I have a clear favorite, I’m at a draw on these two. I’ve loved Disney shorts, and the Looney Tunes for as long as I can remember. I have several Disney Treasures and Looney Tunes Golden collections. I’m a fan for life, and why wouldn’t I be? These cartoons are able to stand the test of time, even though they were made before tv, cell phones, and internet were a thing. It’s good ol’ fashioned quality humor like Walt used to make. Today’s post is Donald’s Halloween adventure. Let the geeks begin! 

We open on a city. We can see a bell tower, backlit by the full moon, naturally. We hear a witch laughing as she flies through the sky. Based on the clock in the tower, we know it’s midnight. The witch scares the bats hiding in the belfry, and rings the bell, cackling the whole time. Then she approaches a black cat, raises her hat, and scares it. This witch knows how to party. She hops along the fence, stopping at a pumpkin. It turns, and is a Jack-o-lantern. This time she’s the one who gets scared. She and her broom hide behind a tree. 


She watches as the pumpkin moves on the head of Louie, who is dressed as a ghost. Huey is a red devil, and Dewey is dressed as himself, but with a small witch hat and broom. As we established, it’s midnight. Why are these three still out trick or treating? They ring the bell, and Donald knows it’s them from his living room chair. Why is he still up waiting on trick or treaters? Where is his brother/sister to keep their kids in line? Anyhow, Donald moves his candy bowl, grabs the firecrackers behind it, and heads for the door. He greets his nephews, and they say their standard “trick or treat”. He puts something in each of their bags, and they thank him. For once, they didn’t start this. The firecrackers go off, and destroy their candy bags. It spooks the witch and her broom, Beelzebub, too. Donald laughs as the kids look upset. Personally, I’m a prankster, but you don’t mess with kids, let alone family, on Halloween. To add insult to injury, Donald gives them their trick too, and pulls a bucket of water down on the boys. He tells them so long, and leaves them to walk home. Alone. At midnight. With a witch in town. 


Speaking of, she saw the whole thing. She approaches Huey, Dewey, and Louie. They can’t believe they’re seeing a real witch. She’s so excited that they believe in witches, she’s going to help them get candy from their uncle. She goes back to Donald’s and rings the bell. She introduces herself as Hazel, Witch Hazel, that is. Side note, on my Looney Tunes set, they freely admit they ripped of the name Witch Hazel from this cartoon, but since it’s also a plant, no one could prove it. Anyhow, Donald pulls on her nose, douses her with water too, and closes the door while laughing. Good thing they aren’t in Oz, she’d be dead. She tells the boys that Donald’s more stubborn than she thought. Time for the big guns. Cut to boiling caldron. Witch Hazel recites her spell while the boys grab ingredients. Double double toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble. Eye of needle, tongue of shoe, hand of clock that points at two. She tells Huey this is the real thing, right out of Shakespeare. Neck of bottle, tail of coat, and whiskers from a billy goat. Hazel tastes the concoction, and has a suitable toon-style reaction. She tells the boys it’s loaded, and fills a bug sprayer with the brew. They all gather on Beelzebub and fly off to Donald’s. 


Donald is snacking out of his pantry. He hears Hazel laughing, and rushes to the window, to see his nephews riding on a broom. Time for a musical number. There’s a voiceover song as Hazel starts animating objects. She starts with a pumpkin, which moans in Donald’s face. Next, she enchants a paintbrush to paint Donald’s house green. It gets him in the process. She turns a post into a ghost. They all come up the walkway, singing the last bit of the song. When ghosts and goblins by the score, ring the bell on your front door, you better not be stingy or your nightmares will come true. They ring the bell and disappear. Hazel flies handle first into Donald and pins him to the pantry door asking if he’s gonna treat or not. He says yes ma’am, and starts filling his arms. Hazel tells the kids that he’s a pushover. Donald takes objection to that, and puts all the goodies back. Then he locks the pantry door. He lives alone. Who is he trying to keep out of there? Daisy, when she visits? Anyhow, he defiantly swallows the key in front of Hazel. Time for an irresistible force to meet an immovable object. 


Hazel has been itching to cast a spell on Donald. Beelzebub holds Donald up by his collar, as Hazel sprays his feet with her brew. Hocus pocus, magic shower, put his feet within my power! Donald’s feet turn blue, so we the audience know they’re enchanted. Hazel orders his feet to kick the key out of him. We hear drums playing the beat as the feet make contact with his ass. 


Hazel uses her broom as a banjo and starts singing. Dance with your feet just as fast as you can, flipping like a flapjack in a pan. Hopping and lumping like a flea on a griddle. The key for the door is the key to the vittles. Do si do now mind the rules, with your old flat feet just kickin like new. Promenade way out west, that’s where the cactus grown the best. Now swing down south and turn on the heat. End the dance and take your seat. During all of this, Donald has kicked the key out, and re-caught it with his mouth a few times, despite also being poked in the ass by a very happy cactus. He finally sits right by the fire, gets burned, and spits the key across the floor. 


Donald gets to it before Hazel does, and throws it under the very door it’s supposed to open. Now he’s made old Hazel mad. She sprays him with more potion, and casts a spell that’s double grim. She orders Donald’s feet to smash the door down, with him. Donald rams head first into the door several times, but it doesn’t break. Things were built to last back then. She sprays him again while saying it hurts her more than it does him. Yeah, didn’t buy that as a kid, and I don’t buy it now. She orders him to get a mile or two of steam on his next run. Donald runs balls out, cause he doesn’t wear pants, get it? Anyhow, this time he hits the door and it smashes. Donald is dazed on the floor, as Beelzebub starts sweeping up treats. The boys shout hooray for Uncle Donald, as they take his food. Hey, Hazel did all the work, he was just a tool. Hazel tells Beelzebub they need to go, it’s nearly dawn. She flies away telling the kids goodbye. They say goodbye to her as well. At nearly dawn. After Halloween night. With a witch as their only supervision. Ah, the fifties. 


Looney Legacy – Transylvania 6-5000 


By Joshie Jaxon 

Happy Halloween, geek fans! Ok, so it’s not Halloween quite yet, but still. I’m excited for this post more than almost any other. Want to know why? What do you mean, get to the cartoon? Screw you! This is an epic post, and not just because it launches our Looney Legacy category. This post is our 100th post on the Gab. That’s right, 100 posts in 7 months, with 6500 views in 70 countries. It is mine and Bevianna’s continued pleasure to bring you our humor. Let the geeks begin!

Transylvania, at night. Something is burrowing through the ground, and up a road. It smacks into a tree, and Bugs Bunny emerges. He rubs his neck and quips that the Pennsylvania hardwoods aren’t too soft. The tree has a sign showing he’s actually in Pittsburghe Transylvania. A two-headed vulture lands on the tree. One head, Agitha, asks who the delicious looking creature is. Bugs asks the ladies, er, lady for the shortest route the Pittsburg. The other head, Emily, says he looks sweet and crunchy. Bugs excuses himself and heads up to the castle, that he thinks is a hotel so he can use the phone. Castles don’t have phones, asshole! Sorry, Rocky Horror moment. 


There’s a noose hanging from a skull with chimes for teeth. We see above the coffin shaped door that this is the castle of Count Bloodcount. Bugs apologizes for arriving so late in the night. The Count says it’s never too late, and invites him in. Bugs says he wants to call his travel agency, as he wanders through the cobweb infested “lobby”. Meanwhile, the Count is floating around and ducking behind columns. Bugs wonders why hotels always hide their telephone booths. The Count appears before him, and Bugs thinks he’s the head waiter. He asks about the phone, and the Count leads him further into the castle. 


Bugs remarks how charming the place is. There’s interesting decor. We see a piano with teeth instead of keys, including a sign that reads “music to croak by”. There’s a painting of a bat that reads, “mother”. Another that says, “Aunt Harriet”. There’s also a tv with skull buttons and actual rabbit ears. Kids, “rabbit ears” is a term used for the antennae that you needed to have in order to watch tv before everything went digital. Then there’s the picture of ghouls scout camp from 1832. The hallways are all coffin shaped as well. I love visual humor. 


The Count opens a door and tells bugs that this is his room. Bugs doesn’t want a room, he just wants the phone. The Count holds Bugs’ head in his hand. Rest first, telephone tomorrow. Rest is good for the blood. Bugs agrees that he is a little fatigued. The Count tells Bugs goodbye, er, goodnight. Opens the door a second later and asks if he’s asleep yet. Nope. The Count says to ring if he needs anything, like a cup of cyanide or the like. Bugs can’t sleep in a strange bed no matter how nice the place is. He looks on the bookshelf for something to read. His choices are, Bone Guide, Blood Type Oh!, Unusual Blood Types, Rise and Fall of the Roman Vampire, Bloody Types, Heath and Care of Fangs, Embalmers Almanac, and Magic Words and Phrases. One of these things is not like the other… Bugs chooses the magic book and reads that magic can performed by potions, or by magic words and phases. We see the Count behind Bugs, ready to grab him, when Bugs says the first magic word, abracadabra. The Count is immediately turned into a bat. Bugs mistakes him for a giant mosquito and swats him. The Count flees out the nearby window. Bugs utters the next magic phrase, hocus pocus, and the Count regains his human form, right over the moat. The vulture asks herself if it was anyone they know. No, but he was a splendid specimen though. 


Bugs wanders the castle looking for the restaurant. He hasn’t eaten since Cucamonga. The Count floats through the castle after Bugs, who is humming abracadabra. Once again the Count becomes a bat. Bugs sees him, and says they really should screen this place. He reaches off camera for pesticide and sprays the Count. The Count hangs from a doorway, coughing up poison. Then Bugs sings to himself, hocus pocus. Suddenly the Count is hanging by his shoes, and falls on his head. He’s had enough. The Count flies up to Bugs and declares that he’s a vampire. Bugs says abracadabra, and becomes an umpire. The Count says hocus pocus and changes into a bat. Bugs can be a bat too, a baseball bat, abracadabra. The Count puts his red Sally Jesse glasses on and asks if Bugs would hit a bat with glasses on. Bugs smacks him, and he falls in a crack in the stone floor. Hocus pocus, now I crush you! Abracadabra, and stone crushes the bat Count. Muffled Hocus pocus! Count, looking worse for ware, holds the stone up again. Abracadabra! Crush! Strained, hocus pocus. The Count, with bloodshot eyes, struggles to hold up the stone. Abracadabra! Crushed again. I laugh at this every single time. 


Count batty crawls out from under the stone. Bugs, taking off his umpire uniform, says abracapocus. We get human body, with tiny bat head. Then Bugs tries hocus cadabra. We get bat body with human head. Newport News, turns the Count into a witch. Bugs thinks he can do better. Walla Walla Washington! The Count becomes a two-headed vulture. Bugs goes to the window and calls to the lady vulture. Look, Emily! It’s our little friend. Bugs shows them what he’s done, and the Count looks worried. They chase the Count out the window and into the night. She always said, four heads are better than two. 


Bugs finally finds the coffin shaped telephone booth. Kids, a telephone booth is something that existed so that if you weren’t home, and needed to make a call, you could insert some money, and do so. This particular type of phone is a rotary phone, where you had to put your finger in the hole, and turn. It sounds dirtier than it is. This was in the pre-mobile phone, touchscreen, google era. Bugs dials the operator, and asks to be connected to the Acme Travel Service in Perth Amboy, USA. Bugs hums abracapocus and gains bat wings where his ears once were. Bugs clicks on the receiver to tell the operator to cancel the call, he’s gonna fly home instead. Bugs flaps his new ear wings, and flies out into the night, silhouetted against the full moon.