Batfink – Pink Pearl of Persia 

By Joshie Jaxon 

Greeting, geek fans! I’m trying to rally to what passes for normal for me, and figured a vintage cartoon post was just the ticket. It’s a quaint cartoon from 1966. There’s some good fifty year innocence here. And some good old fashioned 60’s racism, but that may be my modern mentality. I’ll allow you to decide for yourselves. Let the geeks begin! 

We open in the Batfink cave. Not the Batcave, that’s DC’s property. Batfink is not Batman. Though he’s a fun parody of Batman, there’s a legal distinction. Just to be clear. His assistant/partner, Karate is carrying a hero sandwich since Batfink is a hero. Batfink says he couldn’t possibly eat it all, so Karate gives it a chop with his hand, and asks if he’d like half. Alright, elephant in the room, Karate is yellow, with buck teeth, squinty eyes, and is wearing a Gi with a black belt. All he needs is a sign that reads “Asian stereotype”. Batfink on the other hand is a grey bat in a yellow suit with red shoes & gloves, as well as black wings. The hotlines goes off, and the chief appears on the bat-shaped tv. The priceless pink pearl of Persia has been pilfered. I do love me some alliteration. Batfink says he’ll be there before the chief can say “Jack Robinson”. The chief says he has a hard enough time saying the priceless pink pearl of Persia.

Batfink and Karate get in the Batillac, which is actually a pink beetle, and head towards the crime scene. See, not at all like Batman. This bat wears bright colors, rides in a pink car, and isn’t broody all the time. I say rides in the car cause Batfink is too important to drive himself. Better have the Asian sidekick do it. I’m sure there’s an Asian driver joke in there somewhere, but let’s press on. The drawbridge is going up, and rather than being a responsible hero and waiting, he needs to get to the crime scene now, cause more stuff may disappear. Well, you tell me. Karate is ordered to try and make the gap, and fails. Before they can crash into the water, Batfink flaps his might metal wings, and carries the car, with Karate inside it, to the other side of the bridge. 

At the museum, the chief shows Batfink the case where the priceless pearl had been, and says there’s positively no clues. Karate says not to be so sure, as Batfink has his supersonic sonar radar. Cause bats use echolocation, get it? Batfink squeaks and two “BEEP” words leave his mouth, explore the case, and the museum looking for clues. Then they return to Batfink, beep the info back to him and disappear. Just go with it. Chief asks if he found anything. Batfink points out the chief’s badge on the floor. Anything else? Yes, he found a really big clue. The chief says he doesn’t know how, as they searched the museum top to bottom. Batfink says he found it in the middle. *Snap! Side note, he’s got such sass on his face it’s perfect. Batfink says he knows who did it. The chief asks if he’ll bring them in. Batfink says no. 

Cut to a tv reporter stating that no reason was given for Batfink’s behavior, and that the police think he’s now on the side of crime. The entire nation is branding him a traitor. Geez, just cause he didn’t give you a clue that you and your staff were too stupid to discover on your own? These are as bad as the Gotham police in Hi Diddle Riddle. But this is totally not Batman. Upon seeing the broadcast, Karate is so upset that he splits the tv in half, cause that’s a reasonable reaction. 

Bad guy hideout. The mobsters see the paper stating that Batfink is a traitor. Since he’s now on their side, he should be cut in on their deal. Um, cause honor among thieves? Batfink didn’t help steal, but sure. Boss then picks up the phone and calls Batfink. *Record scratch Hold up, the mob boss just called Batfink. Picked up the phone, and called him. At home. In the Fink cave. I feel like you’re not getting the significance of this. It’s one thing for the cops to be able to call the hero, but how did the mob get his number? Are there, “for a flapping good time call Batfink at-” signs in the local restrooms? At any rate, they tell him since he’s been good to them, to come to the Surfside Motel, bungalow six. Maybe they met on Grindr once. Batfink says he’ll be there before they can say “Jack Robinson”. The mob boss says he has a hard enough time saying the priceless pink pearl of Persia. I sense a running gag. 

Karate takes Batfink to the hotel, as I’m sure he has before. Batfink tells him to stay in the car, again, as I’m sure he has before. Batfink knocks, they ask who it is, and he tells them. They tell him to come in. Repeat – They tell him to come in. They have a stolen priceless pearl, and they don’t even lock the damn door. That is some sixties bad guy for ya. Batfink enters, and they tell him they were just about to split the pearl. I’m no gemist, but wouldn’t damaging the pearl completely destroy its value, and make it worthless? Just throwing that out there. The little guy says Batfink can have the end cut. He says he’ll take it all, and return it to the museum. They call him a double-crosser, and start shooting their guns. Except the little guy who is using a goddam sling shot. Seriously. Batfink hides behind his wing, and says it’s a shield of steel. Karate hears the gunfire and assumes the fink is in trouble. He chops the door, and it falls on Batfink, causing the pearl to roll back to the bad guys. Karate calls his hand stupid, and says it’s going to be punished by spending the rest of the day in his pocket. Wow. As the mob celebrates having the pearl back, Batfink literally pulls the rug out from under them. To the Batmobile, er, Batillac. 

As Batfink and Karate take off, the mob gets in their convertible and chases them. The little guy who can barely see over the wheel is driving, cause sight gag. Batfink extends a wing, and causes a street lamp to shake. The bowl falls off, and lands on the little guy’s head. Not in a knock him out way, in a mock space helmet kinda way. It causes the to swerve into a billboard, but they rally and head after the Batillac again. Karate says he’ll turn down the ally to ditch them, totally missing the Dead End sign, cause Asian driver. They crash, and Karate apologizes, but at least he still has the pearl. That is, until the mob take it out of his hand. The cronies hold Batfink against a wall by his wings. Arms free. He could punch them at any time. They’re literally in striking distance. Mob boss says he may have wings of steel, but now he’s gonna have a belly full of lead. If I were one of the toadies, I’d be praying the boss was a good shot, otherwise, awkward. Batfink says his wings may be pinned, but he still has use of his supersonic sonar radar. Ugh! Don’t show off your bat powers! Punch the bad guys! Bite their necks! C’mon, man! Sigh, fine. BEEP flies towards the mob boss, and the sound of it disorients him, and makes him cover his ears. Then, and only then does Batfink punch one of the cronies. He then tosses the little guy into his friends. Guess he had a plan all along. 

 

Back at police HQ, Batfink explains how when he said he had a clue, and knew who did it, he was bluffing. It was his way of getting the crooks to come to him. Yeah, cause it’s not like they didn’t already have your number or anything, or that you saw them online for bat play at the motel. Whatevs. The chief says at least they’re done with the pink pearl of Persia. Then the phone rings. Oh no! Someone just stole the sacred Siamese star sapphire of Sicily. I’m not even gonna break down all the things wrong with that one. That cartoon ends, and we’re left on that “cliffhanger” of a joke. Tune in tomorrow, same Fink time, same Fink channel. Totally different! Don’t sue me. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing. 

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Beetlejuice – Skeletons in the Closet

By Joshie Jaxon

Greetings, geek fans! Today I bring you a treat from the late 80’s. Some of you may not be aware that in addition to the Tim Burton movie, there was also a Beetlejuice cartoon. There are great nods to the movie throughout, such as the exterior of the house, and music by Danny Elfman. However, there are key differences. There’s no Barbara & Adam, and Lydia and Beetlejuice are friends. As you know, I like to do the premier episode of a series, but it’s a drawn out babysitting gig. Instead I’ll be selecting one of the toons from the second episode, as it features more of the show’s characters, rather than establishing Lydia’s friendship with the ghost with the most, which is obvious, and didn’t really need to be stated. We can infer from context. Let the geeks begin! 

We open on a dark and stormy day. There are dogs barking, and we see a skunk pop up, and start running towards Casa Deetz. Inside, Beetlejuice and Lydia are dancing in the air. He says he loves it there. Where he comes from, when it rains cats n dogs, it really rains cats and dogs. Lydia questions him, and he responds with, “would I lie?”. She answers, yes. Beetlejuice puffs into an angel costume, and says she knows him so well. More barking outside, and the skunk runs up a tree. Beetlejuice opens the door, commenting how nice it is to have real rain hit his face instead of a dog or a cat. As he says that, the skunk jumps onto his face, and they tumble into Lydia’s room. Beetlejuice comments that’s it’s a cute woodland critter. Then he sniffs it, and says it smells good. Lydia tells him it’s a baby skunk. Then she says it needs to use less perfume. Beetlejuice sniffs it’s tails, and says corral no 5, and wonders where he’s smelled that before. Then he raises his arm, sniffs, and we hear a foghorn. Yay, gross out humor. Oh wait, it’s for kids. Burp! Fart! Pee! Am I popular yet? 

 

Moving on. Lydia, complete with nose plug, dries the skunk with a hair drier. Beetlejuice asks what she’s gonna do with the nose-number. Lydia says it needs a good home, at least until the storm clears. Beetlejuice shakes his finger at her, and reminds her of her mom’s warning about bringing insects, worms, and wild animals into the house. On cue, Delia knocks on the door. Beetlejuice hides in the closet. Lydia puts the skunk in there with him. The door opens and Delia says the smell is coming from in there. Now, given what I know of the effects of, shall we say, herbal refreshment, they should be giving Lydia the don’t do drugs speech right now. Lydia swears it’s the aftershave she bought for dad. He says he’s gonna grow a beard. Delia says that’ll make him look like a gorilla. He says why not, he’s gonna smell like one. No, hippie. You’ll smell like a hippie. They leave, and Beetlejuice compliments Lydia on her lie. She says she hated to do it, but she was thinking of Stinky. Beetlejuice says she won’t be able to keep it secret for long. Lydia tosses the skunk at him, and says it’s going to stay at his place. Beetlejuice starts to protest, but Lydia is already saying his name. As she says it for the third time he asks if he’s invisible. Too late. Time to go to the Neitherworld. 

The first thing we see there is a veggie stand called Rooty Bagas. Yay, puns! Beetlejuice says Lydia shouldn’t worry, and that a little white lie never hurt anyone. From BJ’s Roadhouse we hear a creepy voice from his closet repeating “lies, lies, lies”. Lydia walks up to the neighbor’s fence to say hi to his dog, Poopsie. Beetlejuice turns into a cat and harasses the dog. Lydia asks what’s wrong. He says the dog is always giving him a hard time, but doesn’t know why. From the now shaking closet we hear, “lies!”. Beetlejuice steps in front of his door and says he can’t have pets. The door opens, and his skeleton friend, Jacque says they can’t have pests, even though Beetlejuice lives there. Jacque says Lydia’s friend is always welcome, no matter how it smells. Beetlejuice calls him out on not having a nose. Lydia declares that Stinky can stay, then asks Beetlejuice if he ever tells the truth. He says he does all the time. Then we hear the voice say, “Beetlejuice is lying.” He says that’s a song his neighbor’s sing. We then hear more of “Lies, lies, lies”. 

Inside, we meet a lady spider named Ginger. She tells Lydia she likes her skunk, and doesn’t even mind the smell. Beetlejuice whispers that if she had eight feet smell wouldn’t bother her either. Ginger asks if they want to see her new dance step. Without waiting on an answer, she starts dancing. Lydia and Stinky watch, while Beetlejuice pulls a face. When she finishes, Ginger says those dance lessons he sold her are paying off. He replies that yeah, they look great. We hear the creepy “Beetlejuice is lying” again. He looks at the closet, and there’s streams of light coming from it, with the chant of “lies, lies, lies”. Beetlejuice looks worried, and quickly hammers the closet closed. Lydia says something strange is happening. He says nothing strange ever happens to him. That’s when the doorbell rings. 

It’s the monster across the street. He’s Texan, and has the voice to match. He’s a cross between Yosemite Sam and the Red Monster from Looney Tunes. He asks if Beetlejuice has bothered his dog. Beetlejuice says no, and the boards he just nailed in come breaking off the closet, and the door opens. Two ghostly skeletons appear, repeating “Beetlejuice bothers your dog”. Uh oh. The monster asks what he just heard. Beetlejuice loudly declares that he didn’t bother his dog. The monster asks why he’s so upset then. Beetlejuice says a mailman bit him. Monster says the mailman is gonna get a knuckle sandwich, special delivery. Light is still pouring out of the closet. Lydia and Beetlejuice stand against it. She asks what’s in there. He says talking dolls he got from the neighbor kids. He says he likes to good good deeds, it’s just who he is. The closet can’t take it, and burst open with a green light. Ghostly skeletons escape repeating the same “lies, lies, lies”. 

Lydia says he’s got skeletons in his closet. Well, HAD skeletons in his closet. Then two of them going flying to Ginger’s door, knock on it, and tell Ginger that Beetlejuice hates her dancing. Ginger starts crying. Skeletons go to the monster and tell him that Beetlejuice bothers his dog. Monster is angry. Skeletons tell Rooty Baga that Beetlejuice steals his fruit. Lydia informs Beetlejuice that his skeletons are telling on him. Ya think? The closet glows, and a smaller, girly, skeleton comes out saying “Lydia lied to her parents”. Capt. Obvious tells Lydia that one was hers, and it’s gonna tell on her. Every lie you tell in the Neitherworld gets you a skeleton in your closet. Most closets can hold a dozen, but his closet is big. That’s why he moved into that place. Lydia’s skeleton starts floating for the door back to our world. Beetlejuice says over the years his skeletons just kinda, built up. Lydia asks how to stop them. He’ll have to look that up. Too bad an angry mob is forming. A skeleton knocks on Jacque’s door and says the Beetlejuice likes him, even though he pretends to hate him. While digging through books, Ginger confronts Beetlejuice about not liking her. He says he doesn’t like anyone. Cue Jacque, happily saying how Beetlejuice likes him, and running towards him. Beetlejuice opens the door, and causes Jacque to collide with the mob. 

Lydia says that Beetlejuice’s skeletons are upsetting everyone. Ginger is still crying. Rooty throws fruit at Beetlejuice. Lydia finds how to get rid of skeletons. Jacque asks why anyone would want to. Lydia says the only way to get rid of skeletons in your closet is to tell the truth, and that he can’t run from them anymore. He says he doesn’t needs her help. “Lies!” He can handle the problem. “Lies!” It’s not his fault. “Lies!” He didn’t know. “Lies!” Lydia demands he tell the truth about something, and asks who his best friend is. Jacque says its him. Ginger knows it isn’t her. Beetlejuice says that Lydia is his best friend. When he does, some of the skeletons pop. Beetlejuice says that truth stuff really works, and Lydia should try it quick. She says she’ll tell the truth about the skunk. The skeleton appears in front of a half-asleep Charles, and starts to say Lydia lied, but disappears. Charles chocks it up to Delia’s cooking. The next morning Lydia returns the skunk to the woods and says that’s one less skeleton in her closet. Beetlejuice agrees, but says it’ll never smell the same. 

 

Don’t you love it when a creepy cartoon still manages to have a moral in it, without being all preachy about it? Everyone got the lesson, right? I know I did. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

Jem and the Holograms – The Beginning 

By Joshie Jaxon 

Greetings, geek fans! I tried to prepare a post on M.A.S.K. for you, but I couldn’t. I was bored before the first five minutes had passed. It was terrible, just terrible. It was all about cars, and I just can’t. I reached white girl levels of literally can’t even. Please don’t make me. There’s nothing funny I could find in it, and that’s coming from me. Instead, I bring you a gem, pun intended, from the mid-80’s. This had a Joshie Gab review written all over it. It’s got everything. Category is, retro-80’s girl glam! Pink sparkles, girl power, bad fashion, and earrings! Showtime, Synergy. Er, let the geeks begin! 

Jem! Jem is excitement! Ooh Jem! Jem is adventure! Glamor and glitter! Fashion and fame! Jem is truly outrageous! Truly! Truly! Truly, outrageous! We’re not even through the opening song yet, and already I feel gayer. Do you? Just wait! 

We open on a red carpet. There’s a blimp overhead that has JEM on it. As the spotlights move around, the land yacht of a car pulls up and out comes Miss Vida! Ok, it’s actually Aja, serving up blue hair, pink eye shadow and a star on her cheek. Next, Shana, in purple dress and matching purple hair. Followed by Kimber in red hair, and a white dress coat with red ruffles. Finally, Jem! Pink heels, pink dress, hair, and makeup. These girls are coordinated! Werk! One of the paparazzi ask if they’re making a new album, and what it’s like to be famous. She remembers how it all began…

That’s right, the series is a flashback to how she got to that red carpet. As premises go, it’s not bad. Except her opening memory is the death of her father. Sleazy looking business guy, Mr. Raymond, offers Jerrica his condolences. Overprotective male, totally in the friend zone, Rio, says she has all the help she needs. Jerrica’s voiceover says she got two inheritances, daddy’s music company, Starlight Music, and a home for foster girls, Starlight House. 

Inside the RuPaul School for Girls, everyone is pitching in and cleaning up. Kimber is strumming her guitar. Aja is vacuuming. Rio is fixing the light, and Jerrica is flat on her back, getting wet. Er, trying to fix the leak under the sink. Aja turns the light on. The lamp shorts out. The vacuum hits the ladder Rio is on, causing him to fall and pop the bag, sending dust everywhere. Jerrica sneezes and breaks the pipe, getting water all over. Kimber gets off her duff to go tell Jerrica they have problems. In the living room, one of the troubled teens calls it a dump, sits on a chair, and falls on her ass. Instant karma. Jerrica dries her hair as Rio says the electrical is shot, and the girls chime in about the vacuum, plumbing, and furniture. Shana says they need money. Unnamed assistant says that Jerrica’s dad used to get money from Starlight Music to take care of things. Jerrica thinks she can too, and puts on her best “gimme money and I might touch it” outfit on. 

Starlight Music, Jerrica dusts off her knees and- kidding! Can you imagine? No? Well, you can now. Jerrica rides the external-facing elevator to the top and ask the secretary to see Mr. Raymond. Secretary has fingerless white lace gloves on, and is painting her nails. It’s worth noting her lime green eyeshadow. Even for the 80’s, wow. Anyhow, Jerrica storms in and asks if he’s making himself at home in her father’s office. Well, he is dead. It’s not like her can use it. She says she needs money for Starlight House, and daddy left her half the company. Why only half is beyond me. Raymond says that she’s just a kid. He’s trying to turn Starlight Music into the most powerful recording company in the country, but he needs new blood like, The Misfits! Pizzazz! Roxie! And Stormer! They come in on cue, riding guitar-shaped bikes. Yes, I’m serious. Pizzazz has an animal print dress and acid green hair. Roxie has white hair, a black top and yellow leggings. Stormer has blue hair, pink top, black mini skirt and fishnets. The music starts as they circle Jerrica. Time for a musical number! Yes, seriously! “Outta My Way” The Misfits appears in the corner like we’re watching a music video. Which we are. They stalk Jerrica out the glass wall of the office, surf after her on boards, and try to grab the brass ring she’s on at the carousel. All while singing for her to get out of their way. Subtle, ladies. Raymond announces a battle of the bands, that The Misfits say they’ll win cause he booked a bunch of terrible acts around them. Jerrica can’t believe he’s using her father’s company to promote this trash. He’s in charge and there’s nothing she can do about it. Don’t be too sure.

RuPaul School for Girls, Jerrica sits in front of her mirror by candlelight saying she won’t let him get away with this. Aja asks what they can do by tomorrow. Kimber points out the box on the vanity. It contains a pair of beautiful star earrings. Who sent them? Kimber guesses that it’s Rio. There’s a clap on thunder, a bolt of lightning, and the window blows open. Candles go out, and the girls go close the window. Suddenly, there’s a strange woman clad in purple standing there, telling Jerrica that she’s come for her! There are instructions in the earring box. Follow them. She’ll be waiting for her. Jerrica reaches out and states there’s nothing there. The woman then disappears. Jerrica looks at the others and says “let’s go”. Cause after all, mysterious present, strange woman, what could possibly go wrong. Poor, sheltered, trusting, white girl. 

They take their van, Starlight Express, to the Star drive-in. Star theme anyone? One of the girls says this is the craziest thing they’ve ever done. Yeah, going to the creepy drive-in in the middle of the night doesn’t exactly scream, sane. The woman stands in front of the screen and tells her to drive through it. Things aren’t always what they seem in this place. Labrynth worm. Had to. Jerrica tells Aja to to it, and she does. Oh my! The wall is an illusion. No, I’m gonna guess hologram. Jerrica asks who or what the woman is. She’s Synergy. She was designed to be the ultimate audio/visual synthesizer. She was designed by the late Mr. Benton. Now she belongs to Jerrica. She can generate completely realistic holograms, and creates a Jerrica clone right next to her. Then she says she can change they appearances, and makes Kimber look like Aja, then Aja to look like Shana, and Shama to Kimber. Jerrica asks if the projects are there, how Synergy got in her bedroom. Why, through her remote micro-projectors. Any guesses? The earrings! Daddy left other gifts as well. An alcove of clothes, another of instruments, and the land yacht. Jerrica can’t believe daddy kept it secret. Wait! She’s got it! She can use all of this to stop Mr. Raymond! 

Battle of the bands. Terrible band called the Limp Lizards is getting booed off stage. Raymond is ready to announce The Misfits as the winners when the music starts up, and there’s another music video credit. This time it’s “Only the Begining” Jem and the Holograms. Point of order, why name your group after the very thing you’re using to hide yourselves? Seems odd to me. Anyhow, upbeat music. They’re already on the rise. The crowd starts cheering and taking their pictures. The Misfits do not look pleased. Raymond says they can’t play there, it’s invitation only. Jem says SHE invited them, and points. As the crowd looks, she grabs her earring and says those famous words, “showtime, Synergy”. There’s Jerrica waving. As Raymond storms over to her, Jem leaves the stage, touches the earring again and says “shows over, Synergy”. Jem becomes Jerrica again, and goes to the main stage. Raymond says he won’t tolerate interference. Jerrica snaps back that she won’t tolerate rigged contests. Raymond challenges her that in six months he’ll make The Misfits more famous than Jem. Then they’ll have another battle of the bands, which is what I’m guessing the opening scene is from. Raymond says whoever wins, they get to run Starlight Records. A producer sweetens the deal and says the winner gets a movie deal and a mansion, cause why not? 

The Misfits say they’re gonna win. They then proceed to take the Holograms instruments and drive off with them. The girls hop in the land yacht and chase after them. Um, there were witnesses to the theft. Not a smart move, Misfits. Neither is throwing the instruments back at them as they drive on the freeway, but they do that too. The land yacht heads towards a cliff. This show has everything! The front tires go over the edge, but the rest is secure. The girls suggest getting out, but that makes the car nearly fall. Synergy is they only hope! Showtime, Synergy! Van driving down the road. Rio is driving, cause of course he is. Jem is on the road trying to wave down a driver. Rio sees her and says, “that’s Jem”. She calls him by name, and says the rocking roadster, aka land yacht, is hanging on the edge of the cliff. Ok, let’s break all that down. Rio wasn’t at the park. He doesn’t know Jem by name or on sight. “Jem” shouldn’t know Rio’s name either, and neither of them question it. Rio drives off to go help, leaving Jem on the side of the road. Yes, leaves the star to go save the friends. Doesn’t even tell her to get in. Just. Drives. Off. Jem is better off not getting in the rape van anyways. Kidding, it has windows.

Cut to newspaper article about Rio saving the girls. Raymond is reading it aloud. He crumples it as he bitches out The Misfits for giving Jerrica’s group a million dollars of free press. They counter that it isn’t their fault Aja can’t drive. Raymond says he’ll make sure they win. Good, they say. Because it’s time for another song. “Winning is Everything” The Misfits, appears in the corner. Wow, they aren’t the title characters and they get two songs this episode? Go, girls! Sports themed montage of football, then a beauty pageant, then gambling. That’s great for a concept, I guess. Someone cue Visage to rate their performance. Maybe she was off in Seduction. Oh well. 

RuPaul School for Girls, in the Interior Illusions Lounge, the girls are gathering the money they’ve earned mowing lawns and walking dogs. The chick who called the place a dump asks why they’re handing over their money. It’s for the honor jar, so they can buy a new fridge for the house. They only need $30 more. The girls cheer, except for bad attitude. I’m gonna guess she becomes a Misfit at some point, or betrays the girls. 

Starlight Music, Raymond tells a thug on the phone t break into Jerrica’s, steal some things, and leave them scared. Shouldn’t he be spending his time developing his girl group rather than worrying about the competition? 

RuPaul School for Girls, blonde attitude is taking money from the jar, and Jerrica catches her in the act. I was just gonna borrow it. Jerrica tells her there’s no room for girls who steal, and to put the money back. She asks about her punishment. Jerrica says the money belonged to the girls, so they will decide her fate. The time has come, for her to lip sync for her life! Good luck, and don’t fuck it up! Sadly, that doesn’t happen. Instead, they tell her that she needs to earn the remaining $30 for the honor jar. She asks how. They say it’s her problem. There must be something she can do worth $30. If only there were high school boys who had jobs or an allowance… Yes, I’m horrible. This isn’t news. Cut to that night, Rio is leaving stating it’ll be another night without power. He offers to sleep on the sofa. Jerrica says they’ll be fine, and kisses him good night. There’s giggling from the stairs as the girls watch. 

Later, the punk breaks the glass on the back door. One of the girls wakes Jerrica. She tells her to make sure the other girls stay upstairs. She then gets Aja and the others and they go downstairs in their nightgowns, with a lantern. Um, house of ladies. Who knows how many invaders. Could be a killer, or a rapist. Let’s just go confront him. Where is the common sense of these girls. They should still have access to a landline. They spook the punk, he tears past them, knocking the lantern to the floor. Rather than taking the door, he opts to jump out the bay window next to it, as the house starts to burn… Rather than wrapping things up with the remaining time, instead we get a 3 minute, yes you read that right, three minute preview of the next episode. Including a bomb scare, betrayal by the blonde, and a possible boat crash. Let’s not give it all away girls. We want cow, not just free milk. 

There was so much fabulousness in that episode that I feel renewed as a homo. You should as well. Until next time, stay geeky, and shows over, Synergy! 

Silverhawks – The Origin Story

By Joshie Jaxon

Greetings, geek fans! It’s been a longer hiatus than I planned, but having found my retro toons, new material should be picking up now. We’re gonna dive right in with this one season wonder from 1986. The wonder is in how I thought this show was good. Seriously, my nostalgia filter is good, but this one must be in a nostalgia vault for some reason. I gave it a watch, and had to force myself to finish. What’s worse is that I have to watch it again. I suffer for my craft, dear readers. I do this for you. We’ll get through this together. Let the geeks begin!! 

We open with the main heroes ejecting from a plane, like they’re skydiving, then gaining wings as they glide. Narration kicks in, they fly on silver wings. Really? A show called Silverhawks has silver wings? This must be a very lucrative program to have silver for military purposes. Are there space werewolves to fight? Sorry, I’ve got the sarcasm up a little high. It helps. More voiceover. They fight with nerves of steel. Partly metal, partly real, they are the Silverhawks. Um, aren’t they androids? Of course they have nerves of steel. Literally. As they come together and join hands in the air, the voiceover continues. Born of a time beyond time, they sacrificed their human bodies, modified to withstand the stress of their long journey through space to the Galaxy of Limbo. If they’re in a time, beyond time, why are they referring to it as “a time”? Anyone? Back to voiceover. Sent there to defend the universe against the terrible Mon Star and his intergalactic mob. 

Mouseketeer roll call – Yes-Man, human from the waist up, snake down below. Why he isn’t Yessss-Man, I’ll never know. Buzzsaw, a golden robot with, you guessed it, buzz saw blades in his shoulders and head. He looks like a failed Mega Man robot master. Wait, MM was released after this. Oh my. Moving on. Mumbo-Jumbo, a minotaur looking creature who breathes fire. Windhammer, who wields a giant tuning fork. Yes, I’m serious. A freaking tuning fork. Molecular, who appears to be made of golden bubble orb things. Pokerface, who is rocking a vampire motif, and a club and heart in each eye. Hardware, a muscled up mutant thing with an arsenal on his back. And the coup de grace, the musical madness of Melodia, who looks like a Misfit reject from Jem and the Holograms, complete with green hair and a keytar. This is hardcore mid-80’s dated. I can’t. I just can’t. 

We’re not done yet. After the gratuitous shot of Mon Star, we need to be introduced to our heroes. Second Mouseketeer roll call. The leader, Quicksilver, and his companion, Tally-Hawk. The tough as nails super twins, Steelheart and Steelwill. True to their names in heart, soul, and spirit. Which is redundant. Aren’t soul and spirit the same thing? Then we have Bluegrass. Any guesses? Yep, cowboy hat and guitar, he’s the ace pilot of their incredible ship, The Mirage. Finally, from the planet of the Mimes, the Copper-Kidd. I’m guessing that’s a species name, cause he’s not in black and white and pretending there’s a wall. They fly into base, which has a giant, wait for it, silver hawk head above the entrance. Lord, the whole thing reeks of Thundercats ripoff. Then we meet the commander, Stargazer, who I’m gonna call Space Xavier, cause that’s exactly who he looks like. Their orbiting base is called Hawk Haven. Silverhawks! The first super androids withs the minds of men, and the muscles of machines. Whew! That’s only the first two minutes. We’ve finally reached the opening credits. Bored to tears yet? Wishing you had your delorean so you could go buy the action figures of everyone they mentioned? No? Me either. Credits.

Alright, let’s do this. Even though we just got told all we need to, we have a whole episode to fill with exposition. Space Xavier is making an emergency transmission to Earth. They just had an intergalactic prison breakout on Penal Planet Ten. There are so many criminals in Limbo that there are at least ten prison planets. Ten prison planets. Who pays to take care of all these criminals? The intergalactic tax payers, that’s who. Wait, Penal Planet Ten? Isn’t that where they imprisoned Mon Star? Gasp! Did anyone else not see that coming? I know I didn’t. Mon Star has escaped. Vamoosed. Flown the coop. They talk funny in the future. Earth says they need Space Xavier to repeat, as there was interference. Mon Star is free. Earth then asks for a full report in detail. 

Penal Planet Ten, which looks like a giant cog. There’s what looks like a black moon, with red eclipse looking aura around it. At 1300 Intergalactic standard time, on the 40th day of the year 2839 the Galaxy of Limbo experienced a Moon Star bust. Can’t the just say 1 o’clock, Feb 9th 2839? No, because that’s not spacey enough. Well, this time the Moon Star’s rays shined directly into the penal planet. As opposed to the other times it passed it by, apparently. Space Xavier asks Earth if they remember what those rays do to Mon Star. Cut to Mon Star in his cell, which is all red from the light of the rays. He’s punching the window bars to get free, and the one is bending. They slam a steel sheet over the window to block out the light. Mon Star turns, and we get a good look at him. He’s serving up Lysander hair realness, and beast fangs. He’s also got a red eye patch with a black star on it. He rushes to the cell doors, and tells the guards to stop, and allow the light to shine into his cell. He’ll reward them with wealth beyond wealth. Time beyond time. Wealth beyond wealth. Wonder if anyone has sight beyond sight. Just saying. Mon Star says the guards can trust him. They laugh, stating they know what will happen if he ever sees the Moon Star again. They know what happened to the last guard that trusted him. Luckily, Space Xavier recaptured him. Mon Star repeats Space Xavier’s name. The guards say he’s there for good, as the blind locks shut. 

 

Over the PA we hear Moon Burst, minus 16. Mon Star starts punching the solid metal sheet. This may be his last chance. Moon Burst, minus 9. Minus 7. More punching. Minus 5. Shot of the rays from the moon. More punching. Side note, who are they counting down for? For us the audience? Dramatic tension? To taunt Mon Star? At any rate, a punch causes a hole in the metal, and wouldn’t you know it, the light shines directly on the eye patch. Mon Star starts saying Yes like he’s having mini orgasms. Maybe he is. Moon Star burst, minus 2. Minus 1. Zero. The solar flare looking energy, radiates in all directions, illuminating the prison, and Mon Star. Ancient spirits of evil… Oops. Wrong show. Similar speech and voice though. Moon Star of Limbo give me the might, the muscle, the menace of Mon Star! He gains armor, and a fancy skull head/helmet with spikes on it. It just screams badass. Normally I like villains, but I’m not getting anything from this one. He tears open the metal screen, and breaks his cell doors. The guards show up, and he destroys the robot one. He then goes to the window, cries out to Space Xavier that he’s free, and flies into space, cause why not? Then there’s a giant space squid. Yes, I’m still serious. Sky-Runner is its name, and Mon Star says he’s missed him. Squid spreads his tentacles and fires an energy blast at Mon Star. He’s grown wild, and forgotten his master. He needs a little persuasion. Mon Star’s eye patch eye unleashes a red star, that goes after the squid. Squid tries to escape. It’s worth noting, they’re in the vacuum of space, and the squid has gills, despite a very clear lack of water. The star circles and hits the squid, giving him Battlecat type armor. Together, they will terrorize the Galaxy of Limbo. 

Earth tells Space Xavier to continue his transmission. Well, at 1340 intergalactic standard time. Ugh! How did the whole galaxy agree on a standard measure of time for everyone? We can’t even get all fifty states to agree on daylight saving time. Anyhow, Mon Star, universal public enemy number one, though we never hear what his past crimes were. Intergalactic terrorist? Did he fly a cruiser into a space station on the 254th day of the year 2811? That’s a smarter joke than this show deserves. He went back to Penal Planet Ten and freed a group of the most dangerous criminals in this or any galaxy. Space Xavier asks if they’re getting that or if he’s talking to himself. Earth asks for visual material. Criminal porn? Space Xavier given them the rundown, including powers. Molecular can assume and shape, and is the undercover guy. Melodia is the mistress of evil notes. Whatever that means. I’m guessing a Starlord dance off would work against her. Mumbo-Jumbo is the strong man of the mob. Hardware is the weapons guy. Shocking. It’s like naming your daughter Bambi and being surprised when she’s a stripper. Windhammer is a storm master, with that blasted tuning fork of his. Yes, they say blasted tuning fork. Space Xavier says they could use some help up there. Good luck relying on Earthlings. We’re only twelve minutes in. Let’s do this, Clovers! 

On Earth plans were taking shape to aid Space Xavier. Why they don’t have closer, more available, help is a mystery to me. Oh wait, cause the writers are from Earth, and we need to make ourselves the center of this or any universe. At least other places used different planets, like Eternia or Arus. The professor and the general look at the list of recruits for the Limbo mission. Leader, Jonathan Quick, former head of Federal Interplanetary Force 8. Whatever that is. Code name, Quicksilver. Emily and Will Heart, the twins. Technicians, designers, and strong as all get-out. When one twin feels something, so does the other. Code names, Steelheart and Steelwill. Emily doesn’t get part of her name in the code name, they just divide up her brother’s. Planet of the Mines volunteer is a mathematical genius, and will be the Copper-Kid. Cause, you know, he’s not from Earth, so therefore he sucks, and isn’t allowed to be silver too. Racists. The next one looks like a cowboy. The General says he’s a colonel, and the best pilot in the solar system. He’ll be Bluegrass, cause despite being best in the solar system, we need to fixate on his cowboy aesthetic. Yes, we covered them during the Mouseketeer roll call, but now we know their real names. Shame they can’t go as they are now. The professor says one day they’ll be able to send people 100 light years into space, but right now they can only send someone part metal and part real. Cause, plot demands. Are their modifications complete? Let’s check them now. Shoulder jets. Arm jets. Heel jets. Talons. Wings. Left hands. Heads. All normal. Hearts? Uh oh, there’s a problem with the twins. They’ll need mechanical hearts. I’m sure that’ll be important at some point in the future. Time to go test the troops. 

 

Silverhawks, standby. Professor, General, Assistant, and a squid-octo thing are ready to observe. Bluegrass can handle anything with wings. Ock says he’d better, or his remote control combat drone will find out. This is 1986 but attack drones are so 30 years later. Prepare to launch. Quicksilver says “release” after lowering his visor, obstructing his human face. Guess that explains how they’ll be able to breathe. They do the hand hold ring thing in the air again. I’m wondering how their existing skill sets are supposed to stop Mon Star. Will Copper-Kidd do his taxes and get him audited? There wasn’t a lot of combat training mentioned. Anyhow, they’re told to wing it, and they gain their wings, but they still seem to be gliding. Yes, they covered that there are jets, but what will the wings do in space? It’s almost over. Hang in there. Am I talking to you, or me? You decide. The Hawks peel off, scatter, and regroup to test their movement. Then Ock sends the drone. Aerial acrobatics have them dodging the blasts. Jets have them gaining altitude. The Hawks dive at the command of Bluegrass, and the drone goes after him. He separates the saucer section, er, cockpit, and then cloaks the rest of the main ship. Why he didn’t just cloak the whole thing with him in it? The Hawks use their various lasers to damage the drone. As it starts to head towards the professor and company, the Hawks all team up their blasts to destroy it before it can collide with the people. Ock says the Silverhawks are impressive. The general says he hopes Mon Star is as impressed as he is. Who cares if he’s impressed, doesn’t he need to be stopped? Bad choice of words, guys. They all salute. Happy 80’s moment. 

 

Copper-Kidd is sitting in the cockpit. Bluegrass asks if he wants to be a pilot. Of course. Well, it’s one thing to fly the Mirage, it’s another to navigate space. He’s gonna quiz the Kidd, and the more he gets right, the closer he’ll get to flying the Mirage. First question, third planet from the sun. Duh, Earth. He’s from another planet. I’m sure the Kidd knows which one he’s on now, jackass. Three points. Second question, first planet from the sun? Kidd guesses Mercury, and gets it right. Blue ass talks down, saying not bad for being from another galaxy. I’m hating this cowboy. He says there’s a simulator on Hawk Haven, and if the Kidd scores high enough, he’ll qualify for flight training. Cause, they’re gonna have so much downtime, what with all the criminals busted out of prison and all. I can only assume this “training” is for the kids in the audience, so they can claim this nonsense was educational. Seriously. All we needed to know this episode was covered in the pre-credits scene.  

Time to break this down. These people are all metal, save for one arm, their face, and things like their hearts, though I’d imagine the rest of their internal organs are gone. Translation, no need to eat, no sex drive, no jerking off to blow off the stress of trying to fight nasty criminals. Why would anyone sign up for this program? Food and sex are life essentials. Oh well, we’re 800 years away from that possible reality. We survived. Er, I survived. The next post should be more entertaining. I hope. Gotta go work on the settings for the nostalgia filter. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

Conan the Adventurer – The Night of Fiery Tears

  

By Joshie Jaxon 

Greetings, geek fans! I started this post, and never actually finished it. I do the same thing with my gaming as well. I suffer from shiny kitten syndrome, and bad impulse control. Don’t worry, I always finish what I start, it just takes some time. I’ll dive right in with my original opening paragraph. Let the geeks begin! 

Conan, the mightiest warrior ever! His quest: to undo the spell of living stone cast upon his family by driving the evil serpent men back into another dimension and vanquishing their leader, the cruel wizard, Wrath-Amon. Once again, great voiceover. However, this was during the opening song. Kinda gives a major plot spoiler, but it does also give us his motivation, so I’m torn. Either way, we’ve got yet another show about a beefy man with a sword, who wears nothing but a cape, loincloth, earrings, and a necklace. Accessories are a girls best friend. 

   

We open with Conan and his grandpa on a campout of manly bonding. Gramps is telling a story of knights. Conan hears the rumble of horse hooves, and wonders if it’s the knights. Gramps tells him it’s a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plain. Conan says one day it won’t be horses, it will be knights, and he’ll lead them into battle. That’s right Christie, keep telling yourself that. Gramps looks to the sky and says it’s crying tears of fire. No, that’s meteorites. They start to crash into their campsite, and the two take off. They reach the edge of a cliff, and Conan says they have to jump. Gramps says he’s too old, and to leave him. Conan throws the old man on his back, tells him to hang on and leaps over the edge. He and gramps manage to make it to the other side. The fiery tears continue to rain down. Inexperienced boy that he is, Conan is running out in the open, while gramps seeks shelter and tries to get him to it. The meteor shower ends, and Conan goes to investigate a nearby crater. There’s a glowing rock inside that turns out to be made of metal; star metal. It’s worth pointing out that something fiery that just fell from the sky, and is made of what I’d assume is hot metal right now, was able to be picked right up without it burning. If Conan’s hands are already that calloused, I’d hate to see what his poor penis looks like after whacking off. This is an era with no lotion or lubrication, after all. 

   

Elsewhere, in a penis-shaped tower near a pyramid, a snake creature with arms is freaking the eff out about the sky falling and them all being doomed. Wrath-Amon tells Dregs that it’s only a few stars falling. Oh, is that all? Whew. It’s not like it’s not ancient Cimmerian, and they have google and science to tell him everything is ok. Fiery chunks falling out of the sky, not so good for dinosaurs, so let the little snake thing have his chicken little/henny penny moment. The black ring on Wrath-Amon’s hand starts to glow. He says that Set is summoning him, and he must go to the pyramid at once. 

  

Back in Conan’s village, he brings the last haul of star metal to his father, the blacksmith. Daddy says he and Conan will make weapons and tools like no man has ever seen. Mama says they’ll fetch a fine price at the merchant gathering next year. Conan is concerned about selling all of it. Daddy says that he’ll save some, star fighter. A name that implies he’s gonna fight stars, not fight with power from the stars. Oh well. 

In the pyramid, things are about to get freaky. Wrath-Amon approaches a giant snake statue, says he heeds Sets’ call, and uses the power of the black ring to open the sparkly red portal between worlds. He bids set to enter, that he may hear his commands. There’s a bit of lightning from the portal, and the snake statues eyes open. Set says he’s waited for these stars to fall for thousands and thousands of years, and that his liberation is at hand. Dregs is clinging to Wrath-Amon’s leg as he asks how that’s possible. Set says the stars are made of the same metal as the black ring. Set orders Wrath-Amon to build him seven great pyramids, with a disc of star metal atop each one. Only then can he be permanently freed from the Abyss, and enslave the Earth. Bottom line – Megalomaniacal snake deity wants to be free and rule us all. Everyone following along so far? Good. 

  

In the forge of blacksmithy goodness, daddy-Conan is putting the final strikes on a sword before cooling it. He says he will make no other swords from the star metal, as none could compare with what he just made. He tells Conan that it’s his sword, but he has to earn it. That’s right, daddy. Don’t just give it to me, make me earn it. Daddy takes him to the top of a mountain, and uses his barbarian strength to lift a stone lid off an altar. Conan is ordered to place the stone inside, and he can have the sword when he’s ready. Conan says he’s man enough now. Daddy tells him to prove it, and forces him to his knees to- Hey, they’re all muscled and in furry loincloths, I’m only human. What so you mean, “they’re animated”? I had no idea. I though I was watching real life this whole time. It’s a joke, people. Pull up your pants, and stay with me. Despite being young, Conan struggles to get it up. The stone lid, that is. Conan collapses against it, and his father laughs at him, stating a few years of working the forge will give him the muscles he needs. Working other things will also build up your arm strength.  

  

The time of the merchant gathering is upon us! That’s right, a year has already passed. Daddy-Conan is busy selling his wares. He tells his customers that they were made from stars that fell from the sky, that they’ll never dull, and can cut through anything. He’s given four gold coins for a dagger, as a shady character watches the transaction. Daddy asks where Conan is. Mama says he’s gone to see the horses. Actually, he’s strutting through town, looking like a beefcake centerfold. He sees some men struggling with a horse. No, it’s not a donkey show. One of the men draws a small crossbow, and Conan picks him up, calling him a coward. Conan cuts the black horse free and it runs off. The man turns his sights on Conan, saying he’ll pay. He fires his arrow, but manages to only hit a barrel of wine. Daddy-Conan comes running up and says that’s his son. The man say that he stole his horse. Daddy says he set loose a wild creature, and the man has no claim. He then destroys his crossbow. 

Meanwhile, shady character is sniveling before Wrath-Amon, telling him that the blacksmith had said his goods were made of stars. Wrath-Amon asks where to find the blacksmith. The weasel says in the northern mountains, where the Cimmerians life. Wrath-Amon orders his chariot prepared. 

  

In the soon to be doomed Cimmerian village, Conan and gramps are walking. Gramps says he can see the wanderlust is Conan’s eyes, and knows he’ll be leaving the village soon. He offers Conan a necklace he’d won in a battle against the Stygians, doing his best Liz Taylor he says it’s always brought him luck. In the night sky, a snake head shaped chariot, pulled by two-legged winged dragons descends. Gramps says it’s Wrath-Amon, and that his evil is legend. Wrath-Amon demands to see the blacksmith. Conan says he needs his sword, and gramps tells him to hurry. Wrath-Amon tells daddy to give him every piece of star metal he has. Daddy says he sold it all. He’s called a liar. Wrath-Amon says there must be more and to bring it out or he’ll tear the village apart piece by piece. The black ring glows, and he blasts a nearby hut. 

At the altar in the mountains, Conan struggles again to get the lid off. All that time worrying about his size, and he never bothered to work on his technique. Or, maybe think of a way to use leverage. Oh well. He grunts, and sweats, and power lifts it off. He takes and inch or so out of the sheath, pushes it back in, and heads back to the village. Maybe he did research technique. 

Daddy says that they’ll get nothing from him. Wrath-Amon says that he’ll make an example of him, with the spell of living stone. Gramps and Mama approach, and the smoke-filled sphere is tossed. All three of them are turned to stone. Not walking around, living, stone. Stone-stone. Statue-stone. That spell is a bit of an exaggeration. Unless “living stone” just means they’re alive, and aware of what’s going on, but are too stoned to do anything about it. I know, I’m terrible. 

   

Conan draws his sword, raising it above his head in full He-Man ripoff, and tells the wizard he’ll see who laughs last. Upon seeing the star metal sword, Wrath-Amon’s minions are ordered to retrieve it. However, upon getting close to it, the minions are revealed to be serpent men. Crom! After slicing through the enemies swords, Conan goes for a helm splitter, but this is the early 90’s and we have to think of the children, so the blade stops before connecting, and a portal opens above the minion before turning him into sparkles, and sending him through it, leaving his armor to fall to the ground like he was raptured. Conan dispatches the second serpent man and says snakes or men, nothing will stop him! Wrath-Amon knows discretion is best, and attempts to flee. Conan grabs the back of the chariot as it takes off. He climbs aboard and takes a swing. Wrath-Amon uses his X-23 claws to stop it, but the proximity to the sword causes him to be revealed as a serpent as well. He tells Conan that those who see the true face of Wrath-Amon must perish, and kicks him from the chariot. Conan shouts that he will find him! Wrath-Amon says he’ll destroy him first! 

  

Morning finds Conan kneeling before his family. He swears to Crom, guardian spirit of their tribe, that he will not rest until they are restored to flesh and blood. Again, that assumes such a thing can be done. I presume “living stone” means they can be restored to life from stone. Some villain, having a way to undo his evil deeds. Pansy ass, snake man. As Conan leaves the village he sees a heard of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plain. What? The last time I took this test they said the pictures could be whatever I wanted. Conan calls out to the horse he freed at market, and it stops for him. Then, without even asking permission, or knowing the horse’s status, Conan just bare backs him. He offers to call the horse Midnight, and is promptly thrown off. The same thing happens with Mighty Avenger. Thunder meets with a happy neigh, and they take off. A short time later they reach the entrance to the city. Thunder hits the breaks, and throws Conan off. Neigh means neigh. As Conan gets to his feet, a man in a blue cloak appears, telling him what he seeks isn’t there. Conan asks how the man knows his name. The man says he knows a lot of things, like the star metal sword, and about Wrath-Amon. Conan is instructed to go to the tomb of Epimetrius the sage, and the sign of the Phoenix will show him the way. Conan / Jean Grey crossover? Nah!

  

Next we see Conan riding a saddled and bridled Thunder. I think we’re supposed to infer that he bought them in the city. As they reach the mountains, Conan wonders how he’ll find the tomb. The clouds part, and cast a bird-like shadow on the mountainside. Conan looks for an entrance, but as is customary, he doesn’t find it until he stops looking. Then he tumbles into the tomb, where a torch is already burning. A four-armed rock creature, assumed to be the tomb guardian, decides to battle Conan. Why the guardian isn’t outside the tomb is beyond me. Conan cuts off two of this arms, and then splits him into rumble. He actually quips about being off to a rocky start. Blue cloak appears, and Conan wonders how he got there before him. Blue cloak just walks right through him. Conan calls him a ghost. Blue cloak says he’s the ghost of Epimetrius the sage, and this is his tomb. He tells Conan that it is the time of humans vs serpent men, and Conan is destined to be humanities greatest champion against the serpents of Set. 

Epimetrius says that thousands of years ago Set was ready to take over the world, but all the wizards gathered together and used their powers to banish him into the Abyss. His serpent men still walk among them, waiting for the return of their master. Conan says if Set is trapped, he shouldn’t be able to return. Epimetrius says that the star metal can set him free, so it must never fall into the wrong hands, like Wrath-Amon. Conan says his family was turned to stone, and asks if the spell can be undone. Blue cloak tells him that if he destroys Wrath-Amon’s black ring the spell will be broken. Before Conan can leave, Epimetrius says he’ll need a companion, and starts telling Needle to wake up. There’s a shield on the wall with a Phoenix emblem on in, but nothing live. The sage shouts at Needle to wake up this instant, explaining to Conan that he’s a fledgling Phoenix, only a hundred years old. The shield glows, and Needle emerges. He flies around and looks at Conan. Needle says he does want to go with big, dumb, barbarian. Epimetrius says if he doesn’t do many good deads, he’ll never grow up. Needle doesn’t care, and would rather sleep, so he returns to his shield. The sage tells Conan that he’ll come around, and to offer him a pomegranate. Most importantly, keep Needle a secret. Conan says he doesn’t want him. Blue cloak says he could always use a sturdy shield. In fact, it once belonged to a King of Atlantis. 

  

Back at the python pyramid, Wrath-Amon is telling Set how the star metal touched the serpent men and they vanished. Set says they were sent to the Abyss, and are trapped with him. He orders Wrath-Amon to get him the star metal, and to bring him Conan. 

Conan reaches another city, and assumes Thunder won’t follow him in there either. He leaves him, saying he’ll return after he’s finished with Wrath-Amon. Inside the city, there’s a pomegranate vendor, and Needle leaves the shield to go get one. Conan tells him he’s supposed to be a secret, and that he hasn’t any money to but him a pomegranate, but he will once he gets a job. Needle reminds him that he owes Needle a pomegranate, as he returns to the shield. A woman approaches Conan saying she heard him say he needs a job, and asks if he can sail. He says sure, despite not having an experience. She offers to take him to the inn to discuss the details, and to eat. At the inn, we see Conan finishing his food, and promptly pass out into it. A man emerges saying he thought the potion would never work. The lady says she gave him enough to put a bull to sleep. He says their master, Wrath-Amon will be pleased. Cut to Conan waking up on a Stygian slave ship, having to row for his life. Credits. 

  

There ya have it, yet another muscled man with a sword. Not that I’m complaining. No wonder we have so many gays now. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

Ink of Geek

by Bevianna Bones

It’s been a while readers, and while it saddens me that I was unable to bring you an epically awful horror movie to celebrate Valentine’s Day, or President’s day with, the reason for my absence is now to be unveiled to you, the geeky world.

For sometime, pretty much for as long as I could hold a pencil, I have been perusing my artistic endeavors. It’s all that I’ve ever really wanted to do with my life. Unfortunately, in the course of my life, there have been circumstances that have kept me from making that passion a reality…such as an unforgiving career in retail management and having to pay the nasty, nasty billsies. With a career change late in 2015, I was able to open up my time to persue the things that I’ve been wanting to do.

I am happy to say, that with a newly renewed drive to make this life what I want to be, as of January 31, I have opened an Etsy store to sell my art prints of all things geeky.  There isn’t a huge variety on there currently, but I am committed to adding more every week.  The ultimate goal of this is to be able to make and sale art full time, through not only the interwebs, but traveling to many of the annual Comic Cons and other geek conventions. 

I invite you to take a look at my shop page on Etsy at http://etsy.com/shop/InkofGeek
And to like Ink of Geek on Facebook and on follow me @jade_3101 on Twitter. 

I leave you now with some of my favorites of  the prints available so far. 

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It’s Tom Servo!…and he’s huge!!!

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Gizmo has had enough shit and it’s time to take it all back!

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‘Murica!!!

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Holy na-na-na-na na-na-na Batman!!!

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Oswald Cobblepot…I bet he gives great flipper.

If there are any ideas of characters you’d like to see, leave a comment on the blog, or on the Ink of Geek Facebook page.

Till next time!

BB