–by Bevianna Bones
Gobble Gobble Muther Fuckers! No, that’s not an incredibly rude salutation; but rather a warm holiday greeting from none other than Turkie himself. Thankskilling is the greatest of the worst low budget holiday horror flicks there is. And when I say “low budget”, what I actually need to say “fucking low”, as the only thing cheaper to make than this holiday classic was probably Birdemic. According to the DVD case it was made for a mere $3,500. That’s United States dollars. Thirty-five hundred of them. This thing was cheaper to make than the Jon Benet Ramsey case!
Postulated as well on the cover is the promise of boobs, yes, boobs in the first second. I haven’t timed it to see if the dumplings make their appearance in under an actual second or not, but rest assured they are there. The film opens and we find a pilgrim woman “receiving the holiday blessing”, dumplings bared to the world.
So the pilgrims were the ones that brought the breasts to the first Thanksgiving.
Her holiday joy is soon interupted, however, as there is rustling in the thicket and she struggles to get away. Before she can get to saftey, we catch our first glimpse of the killer. A puppeteered turkey head pops out of the bushes and utters the first of many zingers, “Nice tits, bitch!’ and kills her. And roll credits.
I need to make two important notes here, the first being that more effort went into the music for the credits than the entire rest of the film; and secondly, the credits allow us to discover that the breasty pilgrim was none other than veteran adult film “star” Wanda Lust. I wonder how much a gratutious breast shot from a herald “actress” such as herself costs to put into one’s picture. My guess would be about $3,500.
The actual plot of the movie follows a ragtag group of cliched, but loveable, college pals on their way home for the Thanksgiving break. All the archetypes are represented. There is the jock, Johnny. The somewhat of the leader of the pack, the would-be quaterback, who’s repatoire mostly consists of football related puns. There is the slutty girl, Ali, who’s sole purpose is to spread infectious disease. Her legs are harder to shut than the Jon Benet Ramsey case!
Put your shirt down, it’s Thanksgiving, not Titsgiving!
The fat redneck kid, Billy, who wants to bang or kill everything, and drink Busch Light. The nerdy kid, Darren, who not surprisingly knows Turkie’s backstory, and likely akwardly masturbates over the sluttly girl. Lastly, there is the akward, homely, wholesome girl, Kristen, who spends most of her time thinking about that dreamy quarterback, getting good grades, and making terrible Jon Benet Ramsey jokes every opportunity she gets. Her father is the town sheriff. Of course.
They are on their way, and the Jeep (of course) that they are driving overheats. Instead of waiting it out, they decide the best option is to camp in the woods. Of course. Luckily, they have enough beer and gear to make it happen.
Darren soon realizes that they are in the town of Crawberg, and as local legend has it, an old Indian shaman named, Feathercloud, was once dishonored by a pilgrim (who happens to be a decendant of the redneck…of course), and because of this dishonor, out of the outrage, Feathercloud via necomancy, created a demoic turkey who is said to rise every five hundred and five years and slay every caucasian it encounters. And, it just so happens that they are camping in the very area, and it has been exactly five hundred and five years. Of course.
Meanwhile…
A hermit living in the woods is hermiting about with his dog, when the dog urinates on a miniature totem pole, thus releasing Turkie from his five hundred year slumber. Turkie kills the dog, and the hermit swears to get venegance against that turkey. Turkey wanders into the camp, just as the Kristen wanders into the woods to pee by herself. She encounters the turkey, and annoyed with her screaming, declares that he will drink her blood like cranberry sauce. She rushes back to tell everyone, but no one will believe her, chalking it up to her having too much to drink. That is, until a rabbit is thrown into the fire after being pecked to death by a beak. And not just any beak, a turkey beak.
Morning comes, and the group is on their way, unbeknownst to them however, so is Turkie. He flags down a motorist who then propositions Turkie for sexual favors, after which Turkie shoots him in the head and hijacks the car. That night, everyone has returned to their homes. Johnny tries to reconcile his relationship with his father, who hasn’t spoken to him since he only made second string. Just as the two patch things up, Turkie kills his family, and magically throws in a couple football puns for himself. Apparently not phased too much by his family’s death, he joins his pals. All except for the Ali. She is busy getting banged by her boyfriend, and is so into her adult film style climax audition, doesn’t notice when Turkie kills the boyfriend mid-bang and takes over. Turkie finishes her off, and proclaims, “You just got stuffed!” and then promptly kills her.
The gang figures they should go looking for the slutty girl, and after finding her dead, deduce that it had to be the turkey, because evidence was left at the scene. Yep, a gravy-flavored condom in size extra small. After the murder of Johnny’s family and the death of slutty girl, the gang decides they need to seek some help. They go to find wholesome girl’s dad, the sheriff, and use his library. Because he has so many books, he’s sure to have one on killer turkeys.
Turkie, however, has beaten them there, and disguised with a pair of Groucho glasses, the sheriff, dressed as a turkey for a “pagent” lets him in and the two share a nice cup of coffee together.
Sheriff calls Turkie and “odd duck” which causes great offense and Turkie kills him, and makes a leatherface style mask out of the sheriff’s face just in time for the group to arrive.
The disguise is enough to doup the gang and Turkie’s presence goes unnoticed. The gang finds a book about Turkey that says they can kill Turkie if they remove the magic talisman he wears around his neck, although the rest of the instructions are written in a code. Of course.
Billy stumbles into Turkie disposing of the sheriff’s body. The gang is able to get the talisman, but Turkie gets away. Kristen and Johnny finally realize their feelings for one another, while Darren sets out to crack the code. Billy storms off outside, and in a lack of feeding hunger induced haze, devours Turkie’s soul who then pecks him to death from the inside out. Billy dies in the Darren’s arms and sparks a montage of all the great times they shared together. Vengence must be had for Billy!
They break the code, and find out that the only way to kill Turkie is to burn him at the stake after saying a demonic prayer backwards. They head to his tipi to catch him in his sleep talisman in hand. They say the prayer and get ready to burn him, as he thwarts them yet again, and runs outside only to be shot by the old hermit, and lands in a dumpster full of radioactive waste, bringing turkey back to life. Thinking they have killed him, although, clearly they didn’t kill him the way the book instructed, they head back home to relax, where Johnny makes the best remark, “I might have lost my whole family to that turkey, but at least I found me a girlfriend.” Thankfully, Turkie, now stronger, comes in the house, kills Darren by cutting out his tongue and ripping out his heart; then attacks Johnny with and electric knife, and with one last football pun dies. Kristen lights turkie on fire with an aerosal flamethrower and kicks Turkie into a pile of wood, thus burning him to death, as originally instructed.
The movie ends with a scene at a family Thanksgiving table, and as the camera pans to the center, Turkie pops up and says “I smell a sequel bitch!” Which there was, althoughly sadly as nearly unwatchable the original was, the sequel, deemed Thankskilling 3 because as told in it’s opening, Thankskilling 2 was so bad that Turkie destroyed all the copies. That I don’t doubt, but he should have destroyed all the copies of 3 as well. The original title will always remain the best and is only a mere 66 minutes long. Just enough time to stuff it in there between the parade and football. Watch it, enjoy it, and then thank me for making it a part of your family’s tradition for years to come.
–BB
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