Character Crush – Light Yagami

  

By Joshie Jaxon 

Greetings, geek fans! Welcome to the first entry in this year’s Ani-May event. This crush is from a show that I’ve loved for years. I’ve read all the manga, watched all the anime episodes, and even the live action Japanese with English voiceover movies. That’s right, I’m talking the cultural event known as Death Note. Yes, it had it’s own controversy, but we’re not gonna focus on that. Instead we’re gonna look at the dreamy Light Yagami, voiced by the equally dreamy Brad Swaile. Don’t believe me, see for yourselves. 

   

I honestly think a huge part of the crush factor on Light is because of Brad’s delivery. But enough about Brad, we’re here to focus on Light. The series starts with Light as a typical Japanese student. He’s smart and at the top of his class. One day, he discovers the death note that was dropped in our world, and his life changes. After reading the instructions, Light tests the book’s power. Unlike some who might have used it to off a pesky person in their lives, Light’s tests involve a criminal, and an attempted rapist. Light sees that the world is rotting, and needs to be improved. Using the power of the notebook, he begins passing judgment on criminals, and cleaning things up. Sounds like a standup guy, right? 

The fun thing about Death Note is that Light is killing people. They’re dying because of his actions. Yet, through the series, I’m still rooting for him. He’s doing wrong things, but for the right reasons. Granted, he begins taking out good people simply because they’re trying to stop him. One of the people in his path is L. No, that’s not a typo, his name is L. L is the other side of Light’s coin, in that he also sees himself as an agent of justice, but tries to avoid murder as the means to an end. Through the course of the series, the dance between these two characters is filled with homoerotic subtext. Not only are they handcuffed to one another, but there’s a scene where L offers Light a foot rub. It gives things an interesting perspective, as both are pursuing each other without knowing it. 

  

Light’s original mission is one I can understand. Given the ability, I’d want to make the world a better place, but I couldn’t bring myself to kill people to get there. Even with the separation of only having to write a name in a book, I just couldn’t do it. Light has no such problem. He’s focused on his end game, and having a world he can rule. I don’t know what it is about me that I like bad boys, especially as they aren’t who I date, but there’s just something about them. I won’t spoil the series in case anyone hadn’t seen it, but Light has me on his side, almost all the way to the end. Watch it for yourselves, and see what I’m talking about. 

This crush is short, but sweet. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

  

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Pride Post – Love Exposed 

 

 

By Joshie Jaxon 

Greetings, geek fans! Your dear Joshie has been going through a lot of reflection lately, and decided to share with you what I’ve discovered. There’s so much pain and ugliness in the world that it could get anyone down, and I am no exception. Everyone seems to be losing their minds over trans people in the restrooms, interracial couples in commercials, etc. In the age of social media, everyone sounds off all their bile and venom, and it seems that those are the voices that are being heard more than ever. It’s depressing to feel like there are no champions out there trying to fight the good fight. I would like to be one of those champions. I want to do something to spread love and joy instead. I want to help lift people up, and help show them that they aren’t alone. I figured the best way to accomplish that, was to help break down some of the race/gender/body type/relationship barriers that are out there. We are all unique and beautiful, and deserve to be celebrated exactly as we are, without conforming to any of the standards that society has declared to be the norm. 

I consider myself a bohemian, and believe in things like freedom, beauty, truth, and love. Yes, I got that from Moulin Rouge. No, it doesn’t make my statement any less valid. My goal is to show the natural beauty that all people possess. I want the world to change what it thinks of as beautiful, and normal, so I’m going to start with me. I lay myself before you, raw, naked, and exposed. Literally. This is who I am. I’m damaged. I struggle with body issues, depression, and occasional suicidal thoughts. I’m gay, pasty, a bit overweight, and in the beginning of what could be a Polyamorous relationship with two great guys that accept all that I am. I have a talent for writing. I’ve written a book series that contains pieces of my soul, and inner pain. I also have this blog where I share my humorous take on a variety of subject. These aren’t the only contributions I want to make to the world. I would like to try my hand at standup comedy. I’m interested in adapting fairy tales for the LGBT community. More than anything else, I want my life to have meaning, and to help give meaning to the lives of others. Whatever condition we’re in, we’re not alone. 

  

I think a lot of the pain in the world comes from trying to carry our burdens on our own, because we think no one else cares about us. We’re all so consumed with our own issues, that we don’t take the time to see the pain the people around us are dealing with. I believe the first step we need is a paradigm shift. We need to be able to voice the things that bother us the most, only then can it truly begin to heal. As I mentioned, I’m overweight. Thanks to mainstream media, coupled with the impossible standards of the gay community, I’m not always comfortable in my own skin. I worry what others think of me, and that they’ll let my physical appearance keep them from getting to know me. I think I’ve figured out why people get so disgusted by the overweight. It isn’t that person specifically, it’s that “fat” is something that can happen to any of us. We ridicule people to reinforce to ourselves that we don’t want to be like them. I’m sorry, but I’ll take fat, kind, and smart over thin and douchey any day. When I look in the mirror, I like who I see, because I know that I do my best to stand up for those who may feel too low to stand up for themselves. 

I covered my battle with the suicidal thoughts in my head in an earlier Pride Post, and won’t rehash it again. I will touch on my depression though. There are days, for no good reason at all, that I feel like a useless piece of shit that the world would be better off without. Occasionally the darkness pulls me so far down that I don’t even get joy from my usual activities, like writing or gaming. I recognize those thoughts for what they are, and have to fight tooth and nail to try and claw my way out from under them. It’s on those days that I try to do something good for someone else, to defy my thoughts, and prove to myself that I still deserve to be here dammit. I know not everyone is so lucky. Stay strong, and don’t give up the fight, no matter how exhausting. You’re worth it. Keep telling yourself that. 

As a gay man I had to come out, because the world in which we currently live doesn’t allow people to just be themselves. If you are different in any way from the norm, you are called out on it, ridiculed, shunned, and more. Point the finger somewhere else, so no one looks at you. The problem with that, is that depending on the culture, they’re the abnormal ones. Again, I think it stems from not wanting to be away from the group, so people agree to extremes that they might otherwise not believe in, if they actually sat down and thought it out. Personally, I’m one of those who doesn’t mind standing alone for what I feel is right. As long as all parties are of legal age, are consenting, and not actively setting out to harm anyone, I see no reason why anything they do should bother us; let alone be our business that we somehow feel we’re entitled to weigh in on. All I want In life is for people to be happy, loved, and cared for. I hope that by sharing some of my pain, it helps you accept a piece of your own. 

There’s no amount of eating, no amount of shopping, no amount of sex that can fill the holes that have been punched in our hearts. The only thing that will, is love. I may not alway understand where some people come from, but I do my best not to hate them. They’re struggling with their own burdens, and must feel pretty miserable if they have to try and spread that pain around. I’m working on a project that will focus on spreading love, and giving a voice to our pain. It is my hope that this project will accomplish all that I intend it to. It can be located here –  https://love-xposed.com 

In the words of Christina Aguilera, “we are beautiful, no matter what they say”. My love and support to you all, no matter what you are struggling with, I’ll say it again, you’re not alone.

Love, Joshie 

  

Pride Post – Monogamy, Poly, and Gays! Oh my! 

  

By Joshie Jaxon

Greetings, geek fans! As fans of our site know from our Pride Post on Apps, and etiquette, I’ve been back in the dating pool for a few months now. Today we’ll be discussing things that may challenge your current view on love and relationships. For the record, I’m not attacking, judging, or pushing any particular lifestyle. I’ve had time to reflect on myself, as well as observe things I’ve noticed during my looking for love adventures. I’m going to share some of those observations, as well as some personal info on yours truly. To those who ask why I share what I share, I feel it helps our community to know we’re not alone in our thinking or experiences. As always, my goal is to entertain as well as educate. Let the geeks begin! 

   

As seen in the picture above, there are several options that one is able to select when listing relationship status on certain apps. I’m gonna touch on some, but not all of them. Mostly the ones that I have personal experience or knowledge about. Let’s start with the first, and most obvious, Single.

Single is fairly self-explanatory. You are one person, searching for another. If you’re single, you’ve either never had a relationship, or you’ve been in one and it ended for whatever reason, some of which were included as status options. Widowed, Divorced, or Separated, the fact is the same, you no longer have that special someone in your life. Personally, I don’t see the reason to use those three, short of the fact that it does provide a certain amount of information for the people who may be browsing your profile. You don’t have to explain that you lost the person you held dear. It says that you’ve been through, and may not be over, a tough time. Back to the singles though. Most of us are in committed relationships with our tv shows, games, cats, hands, toys, and for whatever reason, we decide we need actual human companionship. That can either be because we’re horny, and in search of sex, which is fun, but can get old. Don’t get me wrong, sex is a part of life, but it isn’t the reason we couple up with people. Ultimately, we all want a campion that we enjoy and who enjoys us. It isn’t that we no longer love our hand/fleshlight/dildo/vibrator, but we want more. I’ve spent the majority of my out adult life, single, and I can say from experience, we as single people want someone to share our lives with. To no longer feel lonely. We want to have a person that enjoys the same things we do, challenges our point of view, or can teach us new things, allowing each of us to grow as a person in a way we wouldn’t have on our own. 

  

The rest of the categories can get a little tricky, so I’ll break them down into specifics. We’ll start with the one that everyone usually has the most experience with, Monogamous Relationships. 

Monogamy is something that we learn subconsciously from a young age. We have mommy and daddy, mommy-mommy, daddy-daddy, or what have you, but we know that they are there for each other, and pending affairs or divorce, they’re the only ones we ever see each of them with. Tv, books, movies, all show the same thing, happy couples that have finally found “the one”. It teaches us that we should be looking for the one for us, and our lives may not be complete without them. Generally that lesson is geared more to (heterosexual) women than anyone else, but it’s still there. You find the one, you date, you become exclusive, you get engaged, and eventually married. Through this entire process, you maintain your fidelity, and never stray. After all, that’s what we’re taught. If you slip up and get any on the side, you are judged as scum for not following what society has decreed normal behavior. I’ve had relationships where we each were monogamous the entire time, some where he cheated on me, and I’ll admit, some where I cheated on him. I’m not proud of it, and won’t go into too much detail. I will say that I was in an unsatisfactory, and somewhat abusive relationship that had left me physically and emotionally starved. I had a very platonic hug with a friend and it gave me an erection. Later, with someone else, I was given the chance to cheat, and I did. I had needs that weren’t being met, and had to do what was right for me. Monogamy can work, but it isn’t for everyone, and that’s ok. The rest of these aren’t for everyone either. 

  

This leads to our next option, Open Relationships. In an Open Relationship, you’ve found a person to be a couple with, but you’re still allowed to sleep with other people on the side. The difference between this and cheating, is that both halves of the couple are aware of the arrangement, and it applies to each of them, not just the man. These relationships tend to confuse the majority of people. It’s hard to comprehend that both members of a couple would be ok with their partner sleeping around. This isn’t a relationship I have personal experience with, but as anyone that has watched the US version of Queer as Folk will tell you, that’s the sort of relationship that Brian and Justin had. Each of them are committed to each other romantically, but can go get laid on their own, or together. Having the occasional threesome can be fun, and allow you to keep your relationship interesting, or try to keep it from dying, but it is distinctly different from the next relationship type I’m gonna cover, Triads. 

As the name suggests, a Triad is a relationship consisting of three people. Unlike an open relationship, a Triad consists of three individuals that are committed to each other exclusively. I’ve never been in a Triad myself, and don’t personally know anyone who currently is. I did once, but their relationship imploded, and one was forced out. For the sake of their privacy, that’s all I’ll disclose about the situation. Their story isn’t mine to tell. What is mine to tell falls under the last category, but isn’t one listed from the picture above, Polyamorous Relationships. 

  

Polyamory is another of the misunderstood “alternative lifestyles” out there. A Polyamorous Relationship is one where each member of a couple may have their own secondary relationships in addition to their main one, if not more. People often mistake it as an open door where anyone can come and go as they please, or people just want to sleep around. That isn’t how it’s been in my experience, or the experience of the people I know. Yes, relationships can be added or subtracted, but it isn’t w/o the knowledge of the others involved. A Polyamorous Relationship can be more complicated than the others, as it has the potential for more people to be involved, and as such, more people who can get hurt if things aren’t handled properly. Communication is the most important factor in a Poly relationship. Well, any relationship, actually. Allow me to share a personal story from my recent past as an example. 

  

Once upon a time, your Joshie had been engaged, and had a live-in fiancé. For the privacy of those involved, we’ll call him Joey. After being with Joey for several months, I met his friend, Andy. There was an instant attraction to him, and lust as well. I was compelled to know what it was like to sleep with him. Having known Andy for years, and also having slept with him himself, Joey actually talked to Andy about it, and gave his blessing if it was something Andy wanted to pursue as well. Andy did, and we arranged to get together. I had Andy in my room, while Joey hung out in the living room. Instead of it being torrid and passionate sex, Andy and I ended up talking, while nude. He shared some of his past, feelings, and insecurities. I offered physical and emotional comfort. We did end up getting off, but it was more love-making than just the sex we’d initially both intended. That’s where trouble started. Andy and I started hanging out, and going out on unofficial dates. Despite the fact I still came home every night, Joey got jealous, as this wasn’t what I had asked for, or he’d initially agreed to. I couldn’t help myself, it wasn’t lust, it was love I was feeling. It was that exciting, new, anything can happen love, and Joey wasn’t having it. In hindsight, I see where he was coming from. His jealousy, and possible insecurities, eventually drove Andy from my bed, heart, and life. Those who’ve read Pride Post – Suicidal Tendencies, located here – https://gaygeekgab.com/2015/07/08/pride-post-suicidal-tendencies/ , this is the relationship I wrote of. I was as devastated as I’d ever been, and didn’t see how I could ever repair the damage I’d suffered. Joey was still there to help me pick up the pieces, which made me feel like an ass to have my fiancé help me grieve over the loss of my lover, especially as he’d triggered it, but it was what it was. The ordeal with Andy had taught me something about myself, in that I was able to love two people in similar, yet different ways. After a few months, we were able to open up a dialogue about our relationship, and what we wanted from it. We determined that as our love had survived that, there was still something missing, and we set out to find ourselves a third, or possibly a second for each of us. Our relationship ended, as while searching for another, we neglected to work on the relationship we were already in. 

Getting back to my original point, there’s no option for Polyamorous on the sites/apps I’ve used. You can say you’re widowed, but not that you’re Poly. The closest they have is “It’s Complicated”, but that sounds more like you fell for your ex’s brother or something. Having been able to admit to myself that maybe I’m not just looking for Mr. Right, but possibly Mr. & Mr. Right, I’ve noticed more people out there waiving their Poly flag high. This flies in direct contrast to the hetero-normative monogamy that I touched on earlier. It almost feels like as Poly people we need to come out yet again, but as Brian Kinney teaches us, unless it’s your dick I’m sucking, then it’s none of your goddam business. At the same time, the only way for any group or people to gain acceptance is through exposure and visibility. As long as everyone is consenting adults, I think relationships fall under the Wiccan Rede of do what you will, but harm none. I don’t do religion, but I live my life doing right by the people I meet, by my morale compass. Whatever category you currently or previously fit in, just know you’re loved, and will find it in your life exactly as you are. We’re out there. You do not need to sacrifice yourself to make others happy. Do what is right for you, and those you love. Everything else is gravy. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

  

Handheld Hits – Final Fantasy Explorers, Part 2

  
By Joshie Jaxon 

Greetings, geek fans! I was going to update my original post, but realized that I was going to be adding a lot of important details and visuals, so I decided to create part two. Don’t worry, all the goodness of part one is still available. In fact, if you need a refresher on the basics, allow me to link it for you. 

https://gaygeekgab.com/2016/03/06/handheld-hits-final-fantasy-explorers/

Now that you’re caught up, let the geeks begin! 

  
Alrighty, first item of business, the Monster Lab. As previously mentioned, as you defeat certain enemies, you gain their essence in the form of an atmalith. Take that atmalith to the lab, and for a fee, they’ll create a monster for you. The most expensive monster I’ve come across so far is 17,500 Gil, which isn’t all that bad after playing though hours of quests, or grinding for materials. The monsters themselves have their own abilities, and can level up, making them stronger. You can take up to three companions, depending on the size of their load. Not like that! There isn’t monster jizz or anything like that going on. Although, that is something the Japanese are jokingly known for. Load is the unit of measurement of the monster’s size. Again, not like that. Shockingly. Smaller, weaker, creatures have a load of 100, so you could take three, as your max is 300. However, creatures like say, Chocobos, have a load of 200, so you can bring one, and something smaller like say, Cactuar. There are two monsters I’ve seen so far that have a full load. Yeah, that time it was intentional. Black Knight, and Tonberry are deadly, and don’t want anyone else cramping their style. As they level up, they get ridiculously strong. I’ve got my knight at level 42, and he does some of the heavy lifting when taking on Eidolons. 

  
Speaking of the Eidolons, I’ve finally encountered, battled, and captured some. Yes, I said captured. At a certain point in the game, Cid decides that you’re skilled enough to handle magicite. Magicite allows you to enter trance, and summon the strength of either a classic Final Fantasy character, or an Eidolon. After you pass the test, you’re given a few magicite crystals from the wandering Moogle. Since those are the gimmies, I equipped Cloud, which grants the trance crystal surge of his signature move, Omnislash. When you trigger the ability in battle, you don’t just perform the move yourself, you become the character, and battle as them until the trance time expires. Now, as far as the Eidolons, you can equip them the same as Cloud and the others, which allows you to perform their attack, like Hellfire or Diamond Dust. I personally have yet to use them myself, as I really love being able to use Omnislash without waiting until disc 4 of FF VII. That being said, you don’t just gain the summon creatures. You have to battle them, and before defeating them, you have to trigger the Encase ability. If your Tonberry/Black Knight/etc knocks them out, you have to go back and battle them all over again. That can be a bit of a pain, especially with the later Eidolons like Odin and his one hit KO, Zantetsuken. 

  
Another item that I briefly touched on in part one was the job system. As you advance through your missions, more jobs become available. Like the airship and magicite, you have to prove your worth for some, while others are unlocked by completing certain tasks. For example, the Beastmaster job is made available after you’ve created 20 different monsters in the lab. Beastmaster’s special ability makes it easier to get atmaliths, and continue to grow your monster army. The Thief job allows you to steal items from your opponents, making it easier to create certain items. Now, speaking of item crafting, there are some excellent options available. You can get classic character signature outfits, such as Sephiroth, Cloud, Vaan, Yuna, Lightning, etc. One thing I don’t like is that the outfits are gender-locked, so your male character can’t wear Yuna attire, or your female couldn’t be Sephiroth. It won’t even give you a preview. Not that I’m necessarily into cross dressing, which for the record, was a MAJOR plot point in FF VII, but they could have made a male/female friendly version of these pieces. What if you’re a strong independent black woman who don’t need no Moogle, but you feel like dressing like the one-winged angel? Well, sorry, peaches, you can’t. It just seems like a stupid place to draw the line. Seriously, are they saying it’s demeaning for the men to dress in the clothes that are fine if you have boobs and no penis? Are the ladies somehow too inferior to be able to pull off Squall’s look? I think not, but I’m a writer, not a game designer, so my hands are tied. 

  
There’s still more that we need to cover, such as Streetpass, plot, notepad, monster fusion and more, but for now, I’m gonna call it a post. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

Disney Dynasty – The Cookie Carnival 

  

By Joshie Jaxon 

Greetings, geek fans! Today I’ll be sharing one of my all time favorite Silly Symphonies. I adore cartoons like this one. Any time we get to see objects anthropomorphized, and doing comedic things, I’m in. Oddly, I’m not all that enthralled with the Toy Story franchise. That’s neither here nor there. The Cookie Carnival is from 1934, making it 82 years old, and it still holds up nicely. There are a few questionable choices, but given how the country was at the time, I’ll forgive them, but it won’t stop me from pointing them all out. Classic cartoons like this are what I live for, and we’re gonna break this one down like no other. Let the geeks begin! 

We open with a marching band of cookie men. It’s time for Cookie Town’s beauties on parade. To save explaining later, the entire world is made of cookies and treats. We good? Alright. There’s a chorus singing, here they come, freshly baked, covered with spice and candy flake, marching along in this parade, at the cookie carnival. I know it’s supposed to be just a cute song, but if these contestants were freshly baked, either they’re “special” cookies, or they just popped out of the oven. Either way, weird. Who’s making them? Animal crackers pull the first float into view, and we see Miss Peppermint. She’s serving up candy cane couture, and looks great. Isn’t a cookie though. Maybe the next one. Cookie penguins pull in Miss Cocoanut, serving up Eskimo realness, in coconut shavings. She could be a cookie under there. Next entry, in her banana peel car, Miss Banana Cake. Category is – is that hair gel, eleganza. She looks more like a bu-cake-ee, if you ask me. Groan all you want, there’s more perversion to come. Pun intended. Next up is Miss Strawberry Blonde, in her strawberry shortcake layered hoop skirt, and strawberry headpiece on her blonde hair. Get it? Moving on. The float behind her is Miss Peach, but it cuts away before we can see her. Sorry ’bout it. The next entry was the affirmative action entry for the parade. It’s Miss Licorice, pulled by her three black stereotypes. She’s serving up short skirt, head wrapped, not racist for it’s day, realness. Normally, I like to only have one picture a paragraph, so it’s my writing, not the visuals that take center stage, however, you have to see these pageant queens, so I’m going to include them all. You’re welcome. 

  

  

  

  

  

Now, during all of that Sugar Ball extravaganza, the song also let us know that they are going to be crowning a cookie queen. The Eskimo is the only one that might, MIGHT, be an actual cookie. Anyhow, we see a hobo cookie walking down the candy cane train tracks, whistling. He hears a homely looking cookie girl crying, and spiffs up to go introduce himself. You’re a hobo, and she’s a Cinderella style hot mess. Why are you trying to look impressive? He asks her why she’s so sad. She says she wants to be in the parade, but doesn’t have any pretty clothes to wear. She could enter as Miss Test Cookie. You know, the one that probably isn’t good, but lets you perfect things so the rest turn out alright. I’m assuming, that is. We always ate the cookie dough growing up, and it rarely made it to cookie form. 

  

Hobo Higgins decides he’s going to turn Cookie Doolittle into the cookie queen. First he grabs some nearby taffy, plops it on her head, and styles it up real nice. Next, he grabs a cupcake, turns it upside down, and uses the wrapper as the foundation for the dress. A nearby marshmallow is used as a powderpuff. What happens next is the most awesome piece of vintage cartoon innocence that Joshie totally takes out of context and makes into something dirty ever. Hobo Higgins grabs an eclair, and proceeds to squirt the creme filling all over Cookie Doolittle to make her dress. Yes, I’m serious. Yes, I’m giggling. Yes, I’m going to show it. In a second. Next he does the same with some jelly-filled, to give the dress a little color. He adds a purple bow in the back, and sprinkles candy hearts along the dress. Finally, he rubs his thumb on a candy heart, and uses it as blush on her cheeks, before having her kiss it to get the perfect heart-shaped lips. With her makeover complete, he eats the heart, and uses a lollipop to show her how pretty she is. It’s so good that Hobo Higgins came along. Lord knows that in 1934 a woman couldn’t do anything on her own, let alone give herself a makeover with nearby materials. Nope, without him, Cookie Doolittle would have just sat there crying as her eggs dried up. Assuming there were eggs in her recipe. 

  

Back at the parade we see Miss Pineapple Upside Down Cake pass by, as the judges shake their heads, and cross off her name on their boards. Lil Pound Cake must have been shown while we were witnessing the makeover. Another entry we can’t see passes by and they cross her off too. At least make them lip sync for her lives! We see the tail end of Miss Orange Crush’s float, followed by a muffin with a sign saying The End. Hobo Higgins shoves him out of the way, making Cookie Doolittle the final entry. Though, given the fact the judges have clipboards with the contestants on them, tells me she shouldn’t be eligible. They see her, and are all gagging on her eleganza; her cookie is on fire! They declare her the queen, and their judges booth breaks. All three run up to her, shoving Hobo Higgins aside. He’s then trampled by the Cookie Town crowd. The chorus starts singing about hailing the cookie queen. They march her to the layer cake at what I’ll assume is the center of town. They unroll a jelly roll from bottom to top to act as the red carpet. After seating her on the throne, and crowning her, they immediately declare that the queen must have a King. Cause again, 1934 and a woman can’t do Jack unless she’s got a man to help her along, in case there’s some thinking to do. I don’t know if cookie queen is their ruler, or if it’s strictly a pageant thing like at homecoming, but given what comes next, I’m gonna assume that it’s a ruling position, not just a fun title. 

  

The judges say that the candy-dates, yay, puns!, are waiting, and they have no time to lose. They raise the curtain, and tell her to pick any one she chooses. I don’t know why she needs to have a man right this minute. Perhaps if they see an unescorted woman in power too long, it might give the others ideas, and we can’t have that. On with the men! Each candy-date gets a song to plead their case. Don’t worry, I’ll be showing all of them too. First up, the Dandy Candy Kids. They have cookie faces, and candy cane limbs. They sing about how she’s won their heart, and if she’s smart, she’ll pick one of them. Next up, the Old Fashioned Cookies, like mother used to bake. She’s the only girl they love, and suggest she give one of them a break. Um, she was just crowned, and you know nothing of her. How can you love her already? Whatever. Next up, the Angel Food Cake, they want it understood that she should marry one of them, because they are so good. I swear these two are supposed to be gay. They have soft voices, and skirt style outfits. Maybe I’m reading too much into it. Then again, they did curtsy at the end. Next, in direct contrast to the prior act, Devil’s Food Cake. They’re naughty, but they’re nice. They’re nice, and naughty. Yeah, man! We get it, Bro, you’re straight. Next up, the Upside Down Cakes. Although they’re topsy-turvy, they’re head over heels in love. Again, how can they love her? During their act, Hobo Higgins is chased by the guards, and hides under the stage. The final act is the Jolly Rum Cookies. The have the hiccups, and with each one, they end up swapping noses. Cookie Doolittle giggles, and shakes her head no. The judges say they’ve tried their best to find her a King, and wonder what to do. Each one suggests they be the one to marry her. Then one says maybe she should marry all three. It’s like old school Mormonism, but with cookies, and multiple husbands instead of sister wives. It’s cookie lust, I swear. They know what her dress is made of, know she’s into bu-cake-ee, and want to party. Pervs! 

  

  

  

  

  

   

As the judges are busy trying to convince Cookie Doolittle to marry them, Hobo Higgins has been sneaking up under the jelly roll to escape the guards. Which, if they hadn’t been so desperate for a queen, would know that he’s the one who was pulling her in the parade. The guards smack him on the head, as he emerges, turning his hat into a crown. The jelly roll breaks, looking like a royal cloak. You see where this is going. Cookie Doolittle speaks up and tells them not to crown the King that way. They all immediately start cheering for their King, cause they’re raging hypocrites. The citizens of Cookie Town start partying in the streets. There’s a candle shining though colored lollipops. Donuts dunking themselves in coffee. They’re kinky like that. Miss Jello is shaking like it’s nobodies business. Or it’s the palsy. Hobo Higgins and Cookie Doolittle share a smooch. Realize they can be seen, and put up a clear lollipop to shield them. Their next kiss melts it. Dirty cookies. 

   

You’re welcome to watch it for yourselves, so you know I’m not making any of it up. The one question left unanswered, is that if Hobo Higgins has such great makeover skills, why does he wander around like a bum? Be a pageant consultant. The year he lost, was to some Lady Fingers the judges liked. You can’t beat that. Yes, I went there. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

  

Handheld Hits – Yo-Kai Watch

   

By Joshie Jaxon 

Greetings, geek fans! I love handheld games. Anything you can hold in your hands and play with, bringing hours of enjoyment is for me. That sounds dirty. It was meant to. I’m here with our next Handheld Hits entry, Yo-Kai Watch. I’d been seeing this one on recent trips to Game Stop, but had no idea what it was about. A friend and fellow gaymer had it, and showed me a bit of how it worked. From there, I went to YouTube, and learned more about this interesting franchise. Now to pass those savings on to you! Let the geeks begin! 

  

First things first, this game has been out in Japan for years, but we’re just getting it here in the states. Why is beyond me, unless they were waiting for the anime to get dubbed, so they had something to help market it to kids. Kids don’t need a lot of marketing. Give them something bright, colorful, and fun, they’ll invest every dime of their allowance into it. Or don’t. Give them an empty box, or a bit of wrapping paper and they’ll be entertained. Wait, I’m thinking cats. Eh, the same can apply for some kids. Just look at those silly band things that were all the rage. Anyhow, before going out to drop money on this game, I watched the opening, and the first ten minutes of gameplay, thanks to Gamexplain. A related link was the first episode of the anime, in English, which I also watched. 

  

In the game, you start off in the playground, talking about your bug collecting project, which of course you haven’t started. Your friends taunt you into showing it off later, Giggity, and slacker that you are, you decide to go catch some bugs right now. I swear they did this plot in Calvin & Hobbes. You can’t find any decent bugs in the city, so you head towards the woods, cause that’s where the bugs live. There’s a fence blocking off a forbidden area, but then some purple fog causes it to disappear. Now, even though your character saw the gate before it disappeared, peer pressure to look cool, causes him to go up the forbidden path, and possibly put his life in danger. There’s a giant tree with spirit tags on it, with an rather old looking gasha machine in front of it. You hear a voice saying feed me, and rather than running like hell, cause you’ve seen Little Shop of Horrors and know this won’t end well, you put a coin in the machine, turn the crank, and collect your prize; a bloated, sperm-looking, ghost named Whisper. He tells you that he is a Yo-Kai. Rather than being impressed, you wanna go catch more bugs. Whisper gives you a rather modern looking watch, and tells you it will help you see other Yo-Kai, who are all over in the human world. You identify one nearby, battle, and end up making friends with it. Is this starting to sound familiar? 

  

What do you mean no? Come on; Companion monster thing, battles for you, is able to talk and say it’s name, trying to make friends… That’s right, Yo-Kai Watch is a blatant copy of Digimon. What? You think I’m missing the obvious here, don’t you? C’mon, Digimon was supposed to be the next Pokemon, so why can’t Yo-Kai watch be the next Digimon? Fine, it’s similar to Pokemon. Only instead of Pikachu, you have Whisper, and no one can see him but you. Kinda like less creepy version of Ryuk. Anyhow, your first real quest is to recruit a few more friends. You can have 6 Max. It’s like they’re not even trying to hide it. You wander around town, using your watch to help you locate the Yo-Kai all over. While you travel your hometown, you’ll encounter a lot of Cadin, Dimmy, Coughkoff, Buhu, Negatibuzz, and Dulluma. Similar to early portions of Red/Silver/Ruby/Diamond/Black/Y, and the never ending supply of Rattata, Sentret, Zigzagoon, Bidoof, Patrat, and Bunnelby, you’ll get more than a little sick of seeing the same monsters over and over again. Such is the nature of early level gaming. 

  

Instead of types, there are several classifications for the Yo-Kai. Brave, mysterious, tough, charming, heartful, shady, eerie, and slippery. They don’t seem to have an advantage over one another, at least that I can tell, but can effect how you might catch them. Now, on to the battle mechanic. Your Poke- er, Yo-Kai will battle on their own. You don’t have to do anything. It’s idiot proof. I really don’t like that aspect of it, but considering nearly every battle is a three on three, I guess it’s a time saver. That isn’t to say you don’t have options. You can use items to try and recruit the enemy to your side after the battle. You can target a specific enemy, or purify one of your creatures if they got inspirited. The option you’ll use most often is Soultimate. Get it? It’s an ultimate move, but you’re a ghost. Hey! Someone worked hard on these jokes. People were fired for not doing better than that. Laugh it up. 

  

As you progress though the game’s first quests, you meet a kitty spirit that spends it’s time attacking trucks. Why? Well, before he became a Yo-Kai, he was a little girl’s pet. He was crossing the street, and was hit by a truck. His owner, rather than being grief-stricken, scoffs at him for being stupid enough to get hit. Yes, seriously. This is a game for children, and there’s a girl that had no right having a cat in the first place. I hate her so much. Anyhow, he’s been spending his time trying to get strong enough to take down trucks, so he can be worthy of his neglectful bitch. Poor spirit kitty. I’ll befriend you! 

  Too soon, man. Too soon.

There are several side quests you can participate in to get extra items or experience. There’s the possibility of evolving or fusing your Yo-Kai as well, but I’m not that far in yet. Initial impressions are that it’s a good game, and I can see the potential. I’m trying to overlook the similarities to Pokemon, especially as they aren’t trying to keep them in balls, go to gyms, or save the world from Team Rocket. It’s worth the cost of admission, and considering there’s anime you can watch online as well, it’ll help flesh out the world a bit. I’ll post again, or update as new things happen. Until next time, stay geeky and keep gabbing!