Invader Zim – The Nightmare Begins

  
By Joshie Jaxon

 
Some may argue that Invader Zim is too new to be featured on our site, which is devoted to all things retro. However, Invader Zim is fourteen years old, and a cult classic. I’m counting it. Besides, I appreciate the humor in it now, more than I ever did when it was new. I didn’t follow Zim during it’s initial run, so there’s no real nostalgia to this one for me. All jokes will be made strictly from my adult standpoint and observation. Let the geeks begin! 

  

Welcome, Irken soldiers, to Conventia, the convention hall planet. An entire planet just for conventions? I wonder if Comic Con thought of expanding there? Can you picture Hiddleston standing in Hall Gleeb, shouting “Kneel!”? I can, but then again I usually picture Tom Hiddleston telling me to kneel. That’s a story for another day. Conventia has complimentary teleporters, as well as a gift shop, for lots of cheap, useless, stuff. Their words not mine. I love when shows have quality humor. Speaking of, the Irkens walk past someone holding an X-Ray machine. Now, I thought the Irkens were insects, since they have antennae and big bug eyes, but they seem humanoid, because they have skeletons, as opposed to the traditional insect exoskeleton. Relevance? None. Just another fun factoid that you’ve come to expect.

  

As the convention hall that they are in fills, we’re told to wiggle our antennae in salute to our powerful leaders, Almighty Tallest Red and Almighty Tallest Purple. Irken society places value on hight, as opposed to skill, it would seem. I though gay men were the size queens. Red tells Purple that the laser show was a success. Purple says a fog machine would have worked, and then the poor guys gets hit in the eye with a laser. Red tells the audience they are the finest warriors, but they’ve selected their choices for Operation Impending Doom 2! Now with 47% more doom! These superior ones, but not quite as superior as the Almighty ones, will be assigned to an enemy planet. There, they will blend in to their native society, gather crucial information, assessing the planet’s weakness, making it vulnerable for their invading big, spaceship, gang. The armada? Yes!

  

  

Let the assigning begin! The first invader steps up, and is assigned to the planet of the slaughtering rat-people. The invader has tears in his eyes, and starts to stammer. Wouldn’t you? However, because of this invaders increased height, he’ll be assigned to the planet that is home to the universe’s most comfortable couch. Um, why is that planet an enemy? They won’t share their couch technology? Whatevs. Cut to a ship making it’s way to Conventia. We hear shouting to get out of the way. Someone has road rage. Is it still called road rage in space? There aren’t any roads. Space rage? Anyhow, the sorting ends with the last, and shortest, Irken being assigned to the planet of the slaughtering rat-people. This Irkan is ready to cry too. Oh well. Sorting over, help yourself to nachos. You mooches. 

  

Zim shoves his way to the front of the crowd. He begs the tallest’s forgiveness. He couldn’t find his invitation. That’s because he wasn’t invited. Apparently Zim had been banished to FoodCourtia. Zim quit when he found out about the assigning. He quit being banished? Yep. He’s a strong, independent, green Irken, that don’t need no man. Red and Purple tell him the sorting is over. Zim says they can’t do this without him. He was in Operation Impending Doom 1. They remember. Flashback to Zim in a giant mech, ala Power Rangers or Voltron, smashing and blasting his way across the planet. His troops tell him they’re still on their own planet. Zim orders them to keep turning knobs and pulling levers. 

  

Hey, he put the fires out. No, he made them worse. Besides, no invader has ever been so, small. Zim says invader blood runs in his veins, and not to deny him. To thank Zim for his service in the past, Red reaches into the front of his pants, and gives him a sandwich. But, he’s allergic to nuts. Sorry, had to. The tallest decide to send him to a planet so mysterious, no one knows where it is, and those who do, dare not speak it’s name. Zim asks for the name. Purple says he dare not speak it. Zim asks where it is, and they point to a post-it that says “planet?” on it. A secret mission. Score! 

  

On Earth, we see a boy on a rooftop, listening to the transmission from Red and Purple about the universe belonging to the Irken empire. He scrambles into the house to warn his family. Not now son, I’m making… Toast! Dib’s sister, Gaz, doesn’t care either. Dib can’t even tell them who’s coming. 

  

Back with the Irkens, it’s time to get your SIR, Strategic Information Robot. All the fancy models are obedient to a fault. Zim can’t wait to have his own robot slave. Red says they have a special model for him. Red goes through the recycle bin, while Purple prevents Zim from peeking. After assembling spare parts, and the contents of their pockets, they present Zim with his robot. He takes one look at it, and says it doesn’t look good. Uh, that’s what the enemy will think. Zim buys it, and is honored to be trusted with such advanced technology. The robot activates, and introduces itself as Gir. Zim asks what the G is for. Gir doesn’t know. He pulls a derp face and sticks out his tongue as he hits himself in the head. Zim asks if it’s supposed to be stupid. It’s not stupid, it’s “advanced”. In their spaceship, Zim tells Gir that it’s time for them to rain doom down on their doomed enemies, on their doomed planet, in their doomed solar system, in the doomed universe! I may have made some of that up. Gir says he’s gonna sing the doom song now. Sing it with me now, doom, doom, doom, doom…

  

Six months later, Gir is still singing, and Zim is in a stupidity coma. He’s checked out to avoid brain damage from the doom song. That doom, doom doom doom doom. He comes to, and is ready to kill Gir. The sensor tells him they are approaching a planet. Zim asks Gir to stop. Gir holds up a finger, and finishes the verse. Then he gets excited. Zim explains that they’ll need to set up a base of operations. Time for Gir’s advanced technology. Observe what Earthlings consider to be normal, so they can make their disguises accordingly. Gir looks around like a puppy going for his first car ride. Zim finds a spot to park the cruiser, and says this is where they will build. He asks Gir what he learned. I saw a squirrel! Oh, Gir. 

  

Zim goes to a control panel and selects a disguise. It’s so good, that Gir doesn’t recognize him, and wonders where his master went. Zim says that Gir should be a dog. Gir wants to be a mongoose dog. Quiet! Do you want to wake up the whole planet? “I dooo”. After Gir has his green dog suit on, they begin to design their home. Zim draws up a plan, and sets it in a capsule that drills into the Earth. He and Gir hide, as the drill reaches it’s depth, and extends outward, building their house, and underground base. It attaches itself to the neighboring homes, and saps some of their resources. Lawn gnomes, flamingoes, and an I heart Earth flag complete the design. Zim grabs Gir’s leash, and walks him to the front door. Two half-assed robots stand there, and say welcome home, son. The illusion is flawless. So is the interior design. A toilet in the kitchen? That is so totally Earth.

  

Zim wants to find the fastest way to learn about the planet so they can conquer the giant ball of filthy dirt. He decides to enroll in skool. Yes, it’s spelled that way. Mrs. Bitters introduces Zim as the latest useless appendage to the education system. Zim then introduces himself as a perfectly normal human worm baby. Pay no attention to him, and you’ll be fine. Dib is in the class, and has a horrified look on his face. Today’s lesson is on outer space. Bitters says the the universe is doomed to implode on itself. Zim asks in the event of a full alien invasion, how prepared the Earth would be. Smooth. Dib can’t take it. Is he the only one who sees the alien in class? The students all look around. Dib calls out Zim as one of the monsters he’s been talking about. Zim gets ready to push his self-destruct armband. 

  

The students call Dib crazy. Dib points out Zim’s green skin, and lack of ears. Zim says it’s a skin condition. Dib tries again to point out Zim’s lack of human features. The kids are sick of hearing it. Jumping on the bandwagon, Zim says he’s always like that. Dib shouts that he just got there. Dib says there’s finally a way for him to prove that he’s… “Crazy” Zim adds. Ah, the students can see that. Dib and Zim stare each other down, as Bitters repeats doomed, doomed, doomed. Foreshadowing?

  

After school, Dib says that Zim’s disguise may have fooled the others, but not him. He’ll bring Zim before them without his disguise. He has alien handcuffs, guaranteed to work. Zim laughs. How will they work if he’s never met an alien before? He has, right now. Dib chases Zim through town. Zim shouts to be left alone, he just wants to be normal. They fight atop a bus, but Zim falls onto a fence. Pitiful human! He shouts, before being promptly mauled by a dog. Dib searches the bushes for signs of Zim. Zim gets behind him, and shoves him into the yard with the dog. 

  

Gir! Help! Gir rockets through town to get Zim, and blasts back to their house. Only problem with that plan is that they left a smoke trail to follow. Dib shows up, and Zim orders Gir inside. It’s too late. Dib knows where you live now. He’ll wait forever if he has to. A lawn gnome targets the handcuffs, and destroys them. Inside the house, we can hear Dib still shouting from outside about how he’s going to prepare, and blah, blah, blah. Zim tells Gir he feels good about how the day went. 

  

On the good ship Almighty Tallest, they receive an incoming transmission from Earth. Neither of them knows what Earth is. They are surprised to see Zim on screen, and alive. Zim says the mission is going well. He’ll have the planet taken care of before the armada can even arrive. Invader Zim, signing off. Red and Purple just blink and the screen. Shouldn’t have underestimated the little guy. He’s got something to prove. Until next time, everyone. Stay geeky, and keep gabbing. 

  

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Top 5 Tuesday- Digi-Feels?!?

by Bevianna Bones

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Good evening, afternoon, morning, or whatever it may be to you, readers; today I want to talk to you about something special; today I want to discuss the times that video games have given me the feels. It doesn’t happen often, but when games bring the feels out in a gamer it’s an important event. Inspired by my recent play through of The Last of Us, I thought to myself, “self, this is game is a genuine experience to play.” And then I thought, to myself, “self, the last time you felt this many feels from a video game was when you broke down your brother’s bedroom door to weep, blubberous, sobs into his arms because Sephiroth had just impaled Aerith…” So in the spirit of getting the feels on, I bring you my top five moments games have brought me the feels. Not always the sad feels, mind you, just so long as there was a genuine emotion produced, (other than delight of simply playing) it was enough of a qualifier for the candidate to make it on the list. Here they are, in no particular order…

5. The Last of Us

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I challenge anyone to play this masterpiece of a game and not have a single moment of feels. Naughty Dog so splendidly captured the human spirit, they in every way earned all of the accolades and awards this game was bestowed. “Dis is da most human zaambie ting you half evah seen…” Oh wait, that was Arnold talking about his role in Maggie. Nonetheless, this is a great game, and a great experience that tugs on your heart strings in all ways. Suspense, horror, hope, fear, love and loss; this one’s got it all.

4. Final Fantasy VII-Aerith’s Death

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I was 16 when Final Fantasy VII came out for the PS1, and when I first played it, it was single handedly the greatest game experience I had ever witnessed. The only things I had ever loved as much up to that point were Final Fantasy Adventure and my dog. (This still holds true in most cases)  As I played through this adventure for the first time, it was on a 5″ B&W television I had hard wired (via much splicing) my PS1 into. Much was lost in the beauty of the game, but it still sucked me in nevertheless. I became fully engrossed in the story and the characters, and then, one sad evening that bastard Sephiroth had to go and slay Aeris. Even though I knew it was coming, it still produced all kinds of feels and my brother was left to pick up the pieces of a weeping Bevianna.

3.Resident Evil-Cerebrus’ Hallway

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Who let the dogs out?! The first installment was a masterpiece in it’s own right. Albeit, awards for its Oscar-worthy voice acting performances aside. By no means does it live up to games in the current gen consoles (all though, the hd remake of the GameCube remake is a beautiful experience); not only did this first game really pushed the limits of the original PS1, but it was a completely new venture for Capcom, and introduced the world to “survival horror” games.  I had borrowed this game over a long weekend from a friend. My brother and I sat in the basement, playing all day, all night to try and complete it without using a strategy guide. The initial scare that was genuinely dealt out when Jill walks down the hallway for the first time and the Cerebrus jump through the windows will never be matched.  Except of course if they cast original Jill into more voice acting roles.

2. Dead Space:Extraction

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“What’s this?!”, I say, as I’m browsing the cheepy bin at Gamestop…a “game of the year” for the Wii that doesn’t have Mario on it? Actually made by a third party developer? Why not?! I have to see this to even believe it.  Dead Space: Extraction was the Wii integration of the Dead Space franchise. A space-horror rail shooter. Maybe it was the motion controls, or the notion of being abandoned in a space mine with terrible space creatures…or both…but this game legitimately pulled me into, at often times, an unpleasant sensory experience. All the while, from start to finish, the game never loses sight of the suspense it was intended to put you in. Most deserving of the E3 GOTY award it received, and by far the most horrific experience available on the Wii, aside from trying to play Dance on Broadway with a group of drunken lesbians.

5. ET: The Extra Terrestrial

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Alright, I’m not just trying to be funny here, but for me and many other gamers out there, this was the first time there was a resounding and accurate sense of “what the fuck?!?” ever created in digital form. And never has there been since. Perhaps, if Atari had thought a wee bit wiser, they could have remarketed the project to the military as a “confusion inducer,” rather than burying the lot of them in a giant landfill. Why does ET keep falling in holes? Why does he look like a pixel penis? And why does a man in a lab coat suddenly and randomly appear?? Howard Scott Warshaw was trying to make the most epic Atari cartridge ever, but sadly it was a rush job and limited by the hardware itself, so the nuances got lost in translation. Much like my Star Wars post… Oh the irony…

Until next time…I’m off to weep over the YouTube video I just saw that suggests that Cloud actually killed Aerithle soble really big sob!!!

BB

Ghostwriter – Ghost Story, Part 1

  

By Joshie Jaxon
In a time before cable and satellite were as common as they are now, we had something called public broadcasting. This showed us the educational programming of Sesame Street, Today’s Special, the Electric Company, Square One, and one of my personal favorites, Ghostwriter. I adored this show, and I’m sure that it influenced and fueled my current passion for writing. I can still remember certain plot points for some of the mysteries. I used to write the Ghostwriter symbol on my homework. I was hooked. Because reading is what? Fundamental! Let the geeks begin! 

  

Brownstone basement, Brooklyn. Jamal Jenkins, and his dad are looking for a trunk. His father is played by none other than Samuel L Jackson. Yes, Nick Fury was on public television, and we applaud him for it. If he can’t find that trunk, he’s gonna need a uhaul to get Jamal’s sister to college. Or just use the helicarrier. They find the trunk, on a shelf in the middle of the basement. Father Fury says that it belonged to great grandpa Ezra. As they pull it out, a book falls off the back of it and opens. We see the pages glow, and the yet unchristened Ghostwriter emerges. It flies around the room, trying to find something to read. It settles on the word, “positively” on Jamal’s shirt. Jamal and his dad carry the trunk upstairs, unaware of the ghostly hitchhiker. 

  

Brooklyn at night. A young black kid walks the streets, doing kicks, with arms carrying groceries. As Jamal walks near the park, he sees flashlights and a mask-wearing gang. They’re making fight noises, and moving around. This isn’t Shakespeare in the park. The gang shines their lights on the faces, and we see green monster type faces. Jamal goes to leave, but has to look one more time. This time, they’re gone. Jamal leaves, and we see that the gang was still watching him. Creepy. 

  

Back at the brownstone, Jamal’s sister is asking their mother where her bracket is. Mother Jenkins replies with “why would I have it?”, and makes me love her. Sister can’t get her trunk closed. Father Fury has Hulk come close it for her. Actually, he just tells her to jump on it a few times. So much for respecting Ezra’s trunk. Danitra heads upstairs, stopping to tell Jamal that she left her computer for him, and not to break it. Grandma Jenkins takes the groceries, and says she’s making her famous caramel cake. Jamal can’t have any. It’s only for girls going to college. It’s tough to be a young kid in ’92. He gets a computer but no cake. Jamal heads upstairs, and closes the door. Tossing his jacket on the bed, he sits at his desk and turns the monitor on. As he starts typing to the computer, “positively” on his shirt starts to glow, and Ghostwriter searches the room for something to read. 

  

Meanwhile, Jamal is introducing himself to the computer. No, really. He’s typing, “hello, computer. My name is Jamal. Ready for one dynamite dude?”. Siri is a few decades away, my friend. He looks at a sticker on the wall, and notices it’s glowing. In traditional fashion, he backs away from the desk, stands, and looks scared as Ghostwriter enters the computer. Then in a different font we see, “HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! Where are the children? Are they all right?”. Aloud, Jamal asks what children, and who the spirit is, while examining the monitor. He calls his sister in, and points at the computer, asking what it is. “A computer. The one I’m letting you have”. I love snarky people. He tells her to read the screen, but she doesn’t see anything there. She tells him if he can’t use it, to at least be appreciative, or at least sane. I’m sad she’s going to college. I want to see more of her. Not knowing how to deal with whatever is in the computer, he unplugs it. Danitra calls for him to come for a sec. He says he’s busy. She says please, and calls him Jammy-Jam. He follows her out of the room, and Ghostwriter leaves the computer for the comfort of Jamal’s backpack.

  

The next morning, we see Gaby and Alex walking to school. She’s droning on about Floridian weather, as Alex gets bored. I remember having the biggest boy crush on Alex as a kid. I didn’t understand it at the time, but I knew he looked good and I liked that. Anyhow, Gaby stops to tie her shoe, and rather than waiting, Alex walks off. It’s worth pointing out that Gaby is sporting hoop earrings, a side ponytail, and bangs. She’s in elementary school. Out of nowhere, a masked figure grabs her backpack and runs off. Thanks for nothing, Alex. To be fair, I know what it’s like to be the older brother, and not wanting to have your little sister tagging along all the time. 

  

Jamal passes the same park from the prior night. Distracted, he gets bumped into by Lenni. The two apologize for not watching where they were standing/walking. At the same time, Ghostwriter moves from Jamal’s backpack to Lenni’s. Lenni has all kinds of fringe on her jacket. Auntie Noxie would be proud. Jamal leaves, and Lenni sits to work on her new song. Jamal looks at the area the gang was in, and finds a green button that says THABTO, as well as a blue paper with a coded message on it. Gang people sure are careless. On the bench, Lenni is working on a rhyme to complete her verse. Kids bop, rap edition just made her an offer, and she needs dope lyrics, yo. It hurt to type that. She finds that perfect phrase, and as she finishes writing it down, Ghostwriter leaves her backpack, and rearranges her words to ask where dynamite dude Jamal is. Um, perhaps he should’ve realized from homework that I’m sure had Lenni’s name on it, as well as the fact he traded backpacks, that Jamal isn’t around. Silly ghost. Lenni shoves the open notebook to the ground, and pokes it with a stick. She reopens it, and Ghostwriter says “Lenni fights for what’s right”. Lenni cautiously picks her book back up, and goes to school. 

  

Speaking of school, Jamal just found a threatening note in his locker, on familiar blue paper. “Near the park, after dark. You were there, so beware!!! THABTO”. Not looking at all scared, Jamal compares the button he found to the note. Lenni storms up to him, and wants to know how he did it. She dares him to change the letters around. He doesn’t know what she’s talking about, and accuses her of leaving the note in his locker. She didn’t write it, and doesn’t know what a THABTO is. Lenni suggests he throw the stuff away. He tells her no, it’s just interesting enough to be fun. Ghostwriter reads the note, and both of them see him do it. On a nearby bulletin board, Ghostwriter says, “Careful after dark, my children”. He’s getting a little possessive. Get it? Ghost. Possessive. It’s spirit humor. Never mind. Jamal and Lenni realize they’re the only ones who can see the message. Jamal says she should come over after school; he’s got something to show her. Horny teenager. 

  

The bodega. Gaby is regaling her parents with the take of the backpack thief. Papa Fernandez asks if she told the teacher. She did. Turns out that several other students have also had their backpacks stolen. Papa addresses Alex in Spanish. Something to the effect of watching out for his sister. In English, Alex apologizes. Papa says he’s supposed to walk Gaby to school. Alex replies in Spanish. Gaby says it wasn’t his fault. In Spanish, Alex is told to walk her all the way to school. Comprende? Si, Papa. Backpack, school books, lunch money. It all costs! Lenni enters the store, and begins shopping. Alex rings her up, as she comments on his new detective novel. He thinks he already knows who did it. She asks why he should finish it. So that he knows if he’s right. Music plays from upstairs. Papa Eduardo says he wishes he didn’t have to hear it through his walls. Cut to upstairs where a band is rehearsing. Lenni enters and sets the groceries down. Lenni asks if she can go to Jamal’s. Daddy Frazier wants to know if he knows Jamal. She says they met once at a dance. He says it’s fine, but to be home in an hour. 

  

Brownstone of S.H.I.E.L.D. Father Fury asks if that was the last of Danitra’s stuff, cause there won’t be room for them if she has any more. Danitra hugs grandma Jenkins, who is apparently a postal worker, and thanks her for the food. Hugs and kisses to grams and Jammy-Jam. Grandma says that next it’ll be Jamal going off to school. Doorbell. Lenni has arrived. After introductions, Jamal says they’re gonna go upstairs and work on the computer. She tells them to have fun. Alright, I know they’re not full-on hormonally raging teens just yet, but there’s no issue at all with them wanting to hang out in Jamal’s room? Alone? Really, PBS?

  

In the room of non-sexual tension, Jamal is showing Lenni the blank screen. She pulls out her notebook, since that’s where it appeared for her, and sets it on the keyboard. Jamal asks aloud who and what Ghostwriter is, but no reply. He know what they can do while they wait. Bow chicka bow bow! Kidding. He’s gonna work on that coded note. Lenni thinks it might be Greek or Russian. If only they could speak or read it. Lenni suggests a mirror, but that doesn’t help. Jamal has the idea that it may be written in a code. Brilliant! Lenni knows a guy that may be able to help. Any guesses, class? That’s right, it’s Alex. Downstairs, grandma is getting ready to go to the store. We see Ghostwriter read her list. She calls up to the kids that she’s leaving and will be right back. A couple of kids, home alone. You know what’s gonna happen. Yep, Ghostwriter comes back and wants to know what in the world cornflakes are. Well, Ghostwriter, they were originally invented to keep boys from touching themselves. However, now they’re just part of a balanced breakfast. Jamal and Lenni shout multiple questions at the monitor, but get no answer. Finally, Ghostwriter asks why they don’t answer him. Followed by ANSWER ME! ANSWER ME! ANSWER ME! ANSWER ME! Told ya he was possessed. Credits 

  

Alright, I know they ended on a cliffhanger, and that’s fine, but here’s what I wanna know; who was Ghostwriter before he was a ghost? It’s never covered in the series, mainly cause I believe it was canceled before it was revealed. That being said, I did a little research. Those who don’t wanna know, I’m gonna call spoiler alert, and tell you to stop reading right now. This is from Wikipedia – Ghostwriter producer and writer Kermit Frazier revealed in a 2010 interview that Ghostwriter was the ghost of a runaway slave during the American Civil War. He taught other slaves how to read and write and was killed by slave catchers and their dogs. His soul was kept in the book that Jamal first discovered in the pilot episode, and when Jamal opened the book he was freed.
I think whoever added that entry didn’t see this episode recently, because Jamal never discovered or opened the book, it was circumstance. What I really wanna know is why no one else in the Jenkins clan ever opened that book before that episode. That’s a question for another day. Until next time. Stay geeky, and keep gabbing. 

  

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers – Day of the Dumpster 

  

By Joshie Jaxon

Ahh, after 10,000 years I’m free! It’s time to conquer Earth! Alpha! Rita’s escaped! Recruit a team of teenagers with attitude! Go! Go! Power Rangers! I loved this series from the very beginning, over twenty years ago. Lord, I feel old now. I didn’t care about the dubbing, the stock footage, or the bad acting. All I cared about was how I was gonna get $2 from my mom so I could have a blank VHS so that I wouldn’t miss anything if I didn’t get home from school in time. I still have my original Megazord, secure in a plastic tub with all the other Megazords through Rangers in Space. However, adult-me sees things that kid-me didn’t. Let the geeks begin! 

  

We open on a space shuttle, landing on what is supposed to be our moon. However, that opening shot isn’t our planet or moon, and when we see the explorers on the surface, there’s what appears to be another planet in the distance. Unless it’s a moon dome and I just think it’s another planet. I dunno, I never saw the super sentai. Alright, hold up, if this is supposed to be the moon, why are there clouds in the sky? Twenty seconds in an already I’m having issues. I’ll have to channel my Voltron nostalgia filter to get through this. Activate interlock! Dyna-therms connected! Nostalgia filter is go! The explorers see what they can only naturally assume is a space dumpster, cause why not? They go to open it. Cause again, why not? For that matter, why is it that the prison for an evil empress is able to be opened so easily? 

  

Goldar, Finster, Squatt, and Baboo appear. Note worthy, Goldar has no wings. The minions tell Rita to get up, and that they’re free. Also noteworthy, now Goldar has wings. Finster is glad to be free after 10,000 years. Funny, they emerged as energy balls, but somehow were able to count the days while they were contained. Then again, evil space aliens, led by a fierce diva with a Madonna cone brazier and hair to match. Stranger things have happened. Anyhow, Rita destroys their former prison, and the space explorers scramble to get away. She says they shouldn’t miss her coming out party. She’s going to take over the nearest planet. We pan up to what is allegedly earth. Gasp! 

  

Angel Grove youth center. Kimberly, in pink, is on the balance beam. Jason in red and Zack in black are sparring. Trini, clad in yellow, is doing her breathing, and striking poses. Tai chi? Then Billy shows up in his glasses, white Gi, blue headband, and matching button down under it. I get that he’s supposed to be the nerd, and Jason the hunky jock, but I always liked Billy more, over all. While we’re at it, I’d like to point out how stupid the producers must have felt that kids are. Each of these teens is in the color of the ranger they’re going to become. I’d call spoilers on myself, but the opening credits already show us who’s who. In case you can’t keep them straight when they’re not fighting bad guys, and even though they’re individuals that you can identify on sight, all you need to know is what color they’re wearing. Give us a little credit. In 1993 I may not have been able to fully tell when it was original vs US footage, but I knew the characters. Side note, I can totally tell on the footage now. Where was I? Oh yeah, enter Bulk & Skull, the “punks” of the series. They ask out Kimberly and Trini, and are naturally shot down. As they get all bulk smash, Zack steps up. The girls say they’ve got this. Bulk & Skull launch themselves at them, and are flipped over for their trouble. Girls rule! Boys drool! 

  

Actual Earth moon this time. Palace of the empress of evil. Rita is looking at the Earth through her telescope. Goldar, sans wings, and the others, speak of world domination as Finster is ordered to make putty patrollers. 
Back in Angel Grove, Jason is teaching his karate class. Billy, in stereotypical nerd fashion, isn’t doing as well. Jason pauses the class, and they stand with their backs to Billy as Jason gives him some one on one. Dunno if that’s a respect thing or what, but I wouldn’t mind one on one with either of them. Jason says even he was a beginner once. I just bet you were. I remember those gay porn rumors. Untrue, of course, but still. Jason asks what martial arts teaches. Yet again, in stereotypical nerd fashion, Billy gives the right answer and is praised for memorizing it so quickly. Bulk & Skull show up and wanna learn how to beat people up. Jason says that’s not what martial arts is for. Bulk didn’t sign on for the geek class. Jason shows him a high kick, and surprisingly, Bulk does it. Tornado kick on the other hand, lands him on his ass. Later, in their color appropriate street clothes, Jason is telling Billy he did good for his first class. Trini agrees, it’s all mental. Ernie shows up with smoothies, and that’s when the earthquake hit. 

  

Buildings shake. Freeways shake. People are fleeing the safety of door frames and tables to run into the streets. 
Command Center. Danger! Danger! It’s the big one! Calm down, Alpha, it’s just Rita. She’s attacking the planet. How very matter of fact, Zordon, thank you. Now, teleport five overbearing, and over-emotional humans. No! Not teenagers! Alpha pushes a button, and we cut back to the youth center. Our five color-clad kids are wondering what’s going on, as they stand on stairs. You’re in California, shouldn’t you know earthquake safety? Jason yells for them to hold on, as they’re teleported away. They arrive in an empty command center. Billy is in nerd heaven. Despite the situation being so dire that they needed outside help, Zordon and Alpha still wanted to make an entrance. Alpha tells them not to touch anything, as Zordon appears. Who are you? What are you? Oh, just an inter-dimensional being caught in a time warp. Again, vat the hell is a time vorp? Zordon brought them cause the planet is in danger, and they need to save it. Observe the viewing globe. We see Rita, and a winged Goldar terrorizing a city. 

  

Zordon tells them they will be given power based on the ancient creatures they call dinosaurs. Does that mean they have them on other planets, and Zordon calls them something else? Morphers appear on each of them. Zack asks what they are. Yet another side note, Zack only has four fingers on his left hand. Oddly, all five fingers of the black ranger move. It’s almost like they spliced two shows together. Anyhow, Zordon says that if they raise them to the sky, and call their dinosaur name, they will morph. Morph? Yes, Kimberly, metamorphosis. Trini explains for Billy that it means to change. Smart Asian; shocking. Time to divvy up some powers; Jason, bold and powerful, Tyrannosaurus. Zack, clever and brave, mastodon. Kimberly, graceful and “smart”, pterodactyl. Billy, patient and wise, triceratops. Trini, fearless and agile, Sabertooth tiger. Zordon says their zords will be able to combine when needed to form the mighty Megazord. Zack and brain-trust Kimberly are ready to bail. Jason, Billy and Trini hang around a moment until peer pressure makes them leave too. Now, even though they walked out on him, Kimberly still complains that Zordon could have sent them back to town. Bitch.

  

On the moon, Rita is surprised that Zordon is using teenagers to try and stop her. Um, in a space dumpster for 10,000 years, yet is able to see exactly where Zordon and the super teens are on Earth; still opts to attack the city each week, rather than the command center. No wonder your boss shows up next season. Oops, spoilers. Finster makes plenty of puttys. Time to get those teenagers. Again, Rita blasts at the teenagers, rather than the command center. I’m just saying, it’s right there. The puttys attack, and power teens go down one by one. First Billy, naturally. Gotta reinforce nerd stereotypes. Then Kimberly. Same thing, but with pretty girls. Then Zack, cause, you know. *whispers, he’s black. Next is Trini, leaving the last one standing as Jason, the straight, white, jock. Am I reading too much into it? Maybe, but it is what it is. Tired of sitting in a pile, they decide to finally do something useful. It’s Morphin time! Mastodon! Pterodactyl! Triceratops! Sabertooth Tiger! Tyrannosaurus! Since they earned Zordon’s favor by using the Morphers, they get teleported back to the city. Guys? There are still putty patrollers near the command center. Guys? Oh, forget it. They’re too busy posing on a rooftop. 

  

Winged Goldar shows up with puttys, and the fighting starts. This time around, they actually kick some ass. Rita is less than pleased. Baboo suggests she makes Goldar grow with her wand. She has to do everything around here. Magic wand! Make my Goldar grooooow! *Joshie gets chills. Goldar grows, and loses his wings in the process. Power poses! We need dinozord power! *more chills. As the zords merge into tank mode, Trini makes a comment about them knowing how to operate them. Billy agrees, it’s like second nature. Well, at least they got that in there. In the cockpit, left to right, we have blue, yellow, red, pink, black. Remember that in a sec. They use the mega tank to blast Goldar, but it isn’t enough. Activate battle mode. Megazord sequence has been initiated. *Joshie has merging Voltron flashbacks, and fanboys a little. As the megazord stands, we have a reverse view of the cockpit. Now, left to right is black, yellow, red, pink, blue. Kimberly and Trini must have played musical chairs. They’re back to normal seating once the battle starts. Darn editors. The megazord fights Goldar, but they aren’t damaging him. They need the power sword! Goldar sees how big it is, and flees. Rita can’t believe he failed! He says it won’t happen again. Shut up! She has a headache! 

  

Zordon congratulates the team on beating Goldar. Um, he fled. Anyhow, there are three rules that must be followed. Don’t get Rita wet. Don’t feed Rita after midnight. Oops, that’s Gremlins. 

  

Don’t use your power for personal gain. Don’t escalate a fight unless Rita forces you. Finally, keep your identity secret. Zack says that’s great and all, but they got lucky. Nonsense, they’re as fine a group of super heroes as there has ever been. No way! Yes way, Kimberly. They’re all in. Except Kim. The outfits are cool and all, but her hair gets all tangled in the helmet. She doesn’t think she can do it. Priorities and all. Not! Yes, actual dialogue. She said “Not!”. It was 1993, we’ll cut her a tiny bit of slack. Her vapid 90’s bimboness causes Aloha to blow a fuse. He just can’t believe people thought that was funny. Group hands in the center. Leap in the air. Freeze frame. Credits. 

  

Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

My Very Own Apple Tree

  

By Bri Bones

When Bevianna and I were little, we used to go on road trips with our parents. On this particular trip, we were visiting the grandparents who were living outside of Las Vegas. We were in our dad’s old Datsun pickup. I was probably 9, she was 4. She and I were in the back of it, under the shell. (It was the 80’s, you could do stuff like that then.) We had blankets, pillows, books, my portable cassette player, and a variety of snacks and water.  
This trip was over, and we were on the way back to Salt Lake. For those of you who don’t know, it’s about an 8 hour drive. 

  

Somewhere in the desert, she ate an apple. While eating it, she swallowed a seed. She told me she did, and my response was to tell her that there was going to be an apple tree growing in her stomach.  

  

I remember so it so vividly. She was 4, she believed everything her big bro would tell her. (There’s also the time I would put refrigerator magnets by her head and tell her I was erasing her memories, but that’s a story for another day.)  

  

For every thought she had, I had a response. 
“Apple trees need dirt to grow in.”
“Well, remember when we were playing in the dirt and you fell and got some in your mouth? You probably swallowed some.”
“Apple trees need water”
“Every time you take a drink you’ll give it some.”
“Apple trees need sun!”
“Every time you open your mouth, the sun will shine down inside there.”
And so forth.
I kept this up for at least 2 hours. By the time we stopped at a rest area, she was in hysterics and I was feeling very proud of myself.
  

Until, of course, mom opened the door of the shell and saw what was going on. 
Needless to say I got in soo much trouble, and she learned to never trust anyone again. 
As we grew up, this eventually became one of her and mine’s favorite brother/sister stories.
I tell this story, because, firstly, it makes me cackle like Palpatine on Smilex Gas, but secondly…umm…ok, honestly I know it feels like I should put an ending here where I sum up and make some profound point about growing up or parenting, but to be honest, I just tell the story because it makes both of us laugh. So, let’s see, a lesson…always share? 

  
Goodnight everybody.

Top 5 Tuesday – Celebrititties!! @@

-by Bevianna Bones

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Well…listen to my story bout Gabrielle, a cute young gal that’s looking’ pretty swell, soft blonde hair, such a lovely lass, nice round breasts and a firm young @a…

Oh alright, so my top five today might not necessarily be a heightened topic of interest to some of our readers, but even gay men can’t deny how much magically awesomely wonderfully amazingly stupendously joyfulness a beautifully made bust can instill in a person. The Hetmen and Lesbos love em, all women wish they had a great set, and gay men think their fun. Yes, boobies are one of life’s joys indeed. In honor of their greatness, I give you my all-time top five favorite Celebratitties, and a few honorable mentions. They don’t all have to be big and beautiful, each of these ladies wins for shape and form, and nearly all of them gave me feelings I didn’t quite understand at one point or another.

5. Susan Sarandon in Rocky Horror Picture Show

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These were the first boobies that I ever really loved. I was so drawn to them. Look at that shape! Look at that cleavage! It just makes you wanna touch-a-touch-a-touch them! Moving on…

4. Lea Thompson from Howard the Duck/Back to the Future

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Anyone who’s followed our posts knows of my undying affection for two things. One being Howard The Duck, and the second being Lea Thompson. These might not be the biggest gals on the list, but she is rocking the cleavage as Lorraine, and as Bev…well, the way that little nightie hangs off the curves of the peaks…aaaannnd, moving on…

3. Geena Davis circa Earth Girls are Easy

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Oh a young Ms. Davis was quite something. Reminiscent of a walking pinup.  These ladies have just the right mixture of roundness, perkiness, and a wonderfully shadowy valley. I remember when I was a teenager I had a very vivid image in my head involving a young Ms. Davis, brunette Madonna (aka Like a Prayer or League of Their Own Madonna), and Lori Petty from Tank Girl.  Sadly, that image was shattered by things I can’t unsee (see my Tank Girl post)…moving on…
Also, if you haven’t seen Earth Girls are Easy, you really, really should.

2. Lucy Lawless from Everything…

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Ok, so there’s a third thing that I have undying love for, and that’s our Lucy. (See Lucy post…) The second largest gals on the list, they nicely fill out anything you put them in. Love the moundful cleavage. It was one of the greatest moments of my life the first time she shed her robe on Spartacus….aaaaaannd moving on…

1. Katy Perry

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I have no words…except…oh the roundness and plumpness…not to mention her pinup photoshoots…oh my. I’ll spare the readers the joy/horror (depending on your inclination) of the many KP jiggle GIFs that are out there. There’s actually an entire website devoted to just them.

You might not agree with everything on this list, but these all-time fave celebratitties all have a special place in my heart. Here are two that almost made the list…

Renee O’ Connor: Runner-Up

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3 Teets (from Total Recall): Honorable Mention

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C’Mon everyone, I had to include her in there somewhere…you all know she was your favorite part about the movie…well that and the midget hooker with the machine gun…

-BB