By Joshie Jaxon
Greetings, geek fans! It’s been forever since we had a countdown on our site. I decided a good way to bring those back, as well as cover an entire movie without breaking it into multiple parts, was to countdown the best moments of classic films we all know and love. The first to get the Joshie treatment will be the Mel Brooks classic, Spaceballs. I’ve loved this movie since it was new, though probably shouldn’t have seen it at that age. Oh well, it made me the Joshie I am today. I’m gonna try and stick to a top 5, but as there are numerous great moments in this one, I may throw in some extras. Let the geeks begin!
Honorable Mention – “I’m trying to conduct a wedding, which has nothing to do with love, please be quiet.”
That priest entertains me. That’s the sort of religious official I’d be. You know, if I had religious powers. Which people don’t want me having, so the point is moot. On with the list.
5- “Why didn’t anybody tell me my ass was so big?!”
Towards the beginning of the film, President Skroob is advised that Dark Helmet is closing in on Princess Vespa, if he’d like to observe. The commanderette offers to beam him to the room. The president isn’t too sure, but she assures him that Snotty beamed her twice last night, and that it was wonderful. Giggity. He agrees, since it worked on Star Trek. However, when the president arrives, his head is on backwards. He looks down, moves his jacket, and asks why no one told him his ass was that big. Pause, I’d like to point out that were President Skroob a power bottom, as I’ve often thought he is, this would be perfect for him to get plowed, and still be able to kiss his partner. What? Some people collect stamps. Who’re you to judge me? Anyhow, they offer to beam him back. No, this time he’s going to walk. Right into the next room. Classic.
4- “Ludicrous speed, go!”
After Lone Star has captured Princess Vespa from the Spaceballs, they use their hyperjets to get away. Dark Helmet says they need to catch them. Sanders orders the crew to prepare for light speed. Helmet says light speed is too slow, and they’ll need to go straight to ludicrous speed. The colonel says he doesn’t know if the ship can take it. Helmet retorts, “what’s the matter Colonel Sanders, chicken?”. I love KFC humor. You just know the character was named that for this single joke. Sanders orders the ship to prepare for ludicrous speed, and buckles in. Helmet does not. He orders ludicrous speed, and immediately regrets it. If he hadn’t grabbed the console, he’d be at the back of the ship. They pass Lone Star, and Helmet demands they stop. Sanders says they need to slow down first. Bullshit! Stop this thing, I order you! Stop! Sanders pulls the brake, and sends Dark Helmet flying into the front of the ship. It’s a good thing he was wearing that helmet.
3- “That was my virgin alarm. It’s programmed to go off before you do.”
After landing on the desert moon of Vega, Lone Star and Vespa are sitting by the fire, while Dot Matrix and Barf sleep. Vespa is cold, and Lone Star gives her his jacket. She sniffs it, and her face is priceless. He says the cold doesn’t bother him. He must be related to Elsa. Maybe that’s where, spoiler alert, his royal heritage comes from. Vespa can’t find Druidia in the night sky. Lone Star points it out. He asks why she ran away from her wedding. If he must know, she wasn’t in love with the groom, but she’s a princess; she had to marry a prince. Vespa realizes that love is one luxury a princess cannot afford. She can learn to live without love. Love isn’t that important. She can be fine the rest of her life without love. Without physical contact. Without being held. Or kissed. All the while, they’re inching closer and closer together until it goes off. No, not Lone Star’s pocket blaster. Dot’s alarm. She calls Lone Star a sex fiend. Please, Star Lord and Kirk are bigger players than he is.
2- “No, sir! I didn’t see you playing with your dolls again.”
After acquiring Vespa from Vega, Dark Helmet got his action figures out and is having a little pretend time. His Helmet figure is going on about how he can have his way with her. No, she hates him… And yet, she finds him strangely attractive. Of course, Druish princesses are often attracted to money and power. He has both, and she knows it. Oh, your helmet is so big. It’s at that moment the door opens, and we get a great, just got caught by the parents while touching yourself moment. Helmet scrambles to get his figures out of sight. Knock on my door! Knock next time! Did you see anything? No, sir, I didn’t see you playing with your dolls again. I laugh every time.
1- “My hair! He shot my hair! Son of a bitch!”
After fighting their way to the castle, beyond the goblin city. Oops, wrong movie. Kidding. This is my favorite scene in the entire show. The heroes are making their way outside, under a barrage of laser fire, which because they’re Stormtrooper parodies, can’t hit anything, except the lock on the broad side of the Winnebago. Can’t get in the other door, it’s locked. Where are the keys? Inside. Great! Lone Star says to hold them off, and hands Vespa a blaster. She’s not shooting that thing, she hates guns. Then a laser hits her. “My hair! He shot my hair! Son of a bitch!”. Vespa cocks the gun, and shoots every single trooper. Barf speaks for us all, “holy shit!”. Vespa asks how she did. Not bad. Not bad, for a girl. Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo. I love that scene so much. I laugh out loud and cheer. She just kicks so much ass. You go, Vespa. Girl power!
There you have it. My favorite Spaceballs moments. Did your favorite make the cut? Feel free to comment. Geeks will always triumph because cool is dumb. Until next time, stay geeky, and may the Schwartz be with you!