Top 5 Tuesday – Spaceballs

By Joshie Jaxon 

Greetings, geek fans! It’s been forever since we had a countdown on our site. I decided a good way to bring those back, as well as cover an entire movie without breaking it into multiple parts, was to countdown the best moments of classic films we all know and love. The first to get the Joshie treatment will be the Mel Brooks classic, Spaceballs. I’ve loved this movie since it was new, though probably shouldn’t have seen it at that age. Oh well, it made me the Joshie I am today. I’m gonna try and stick to a top 5, but as there are numerous great moments in this one, I may throw in some extras. Let the geeks begin! 
Honorable Mention – “I’m trying to conduct a wedding, which has nothing to do with love, please be quiet.”

That priest entertains me. That’s the sort of religious official I’d be. You know, if I had religious powers. Which people don’t want me having, so the point is moot. On with the list. 

 

5- “Why didn’t anybody tell me my ass was so big?!”

Towards the beginning of the film, President Skroob is advised that Dark Helmet is closing in on Princess Vespa, if he’d like to observe. The commanderette offers to beam him to the room. The president isn’t too sure, but she assures him that Snotty beamed her twice last night, and that it was wonderful. Giggity. He agrees, since it worked on Star Trek. However, when the president arrives, his head is on backwards. He looks down, moves his jacket, and asks why no one told him his ass was that big. Pause, I’d like to point out that were President Skroob a power bottom, as I’ve often thought he is, this would be perfect for him to get plowed, and still be able to kiss his partner. What? Some people collect stamps. Who’re you to judge me? Anyhow, they offer to beam him back. No, this time he’s going to walk. Right into the next room. Classic. 

4- “Ludicrous speed, go!”

After Lone Star has captured Princess Vespa from the Spaceballs, they use their hyperjets to get away. Dark Helmet says they need to catch them. Sanders orders the crew to prepare for light speed. Helmet says light speed is too slow, and they’ll need to go straight to ludicrous speed. The colonel says he doesn’t know if the ship can take it. Helmet retorts, “what’s the matter Colonel Sanders, chicken?”. I love KFC humor. You just know the character was named that for this single joke. Sanders orders the ship to prepare for ludicrous speed, and buckles in. Helmet does not. He orders ludicrous speed, and immediately regrets it. If he hadn’t grabbed the console, he’d be at the back of the ship. They pass Lone Star, and Helmet demands they stop. Sanders says they need to slow down first. Bullshit! Stop this thing, I order you! Stop! Sanders pulls the brake, and sends Dark Helmet flying into the front of the ship. It’s a good thing he was wearing that helmet. 

3- “That was my virgin alarm. It’s programmed to go off before you do.”

After landing on the desert moon of Vega, Lone Star and Vespa are sitting by the fire, while Dot Matrix and Barf sleep. Vespa is cold, and Lone Star gives her his jacket. She sniffs it, and her face is priceless. He says the cold doesn’t bother him. He must be related to Elsa. Maybe that’s where, spoiler alert, his royal heritage comes from. Vespa can’t find Druidia in the night sky. Lone Star points it out. He asks why she ran away from her wedding. If he must know, she wasn’t in love with the groom, but she’s a princess; she had to marry a prince. Vespa realizes that love is one luxury a princess cannot afford. She can learn to live without love. Love isn’t that important. She can be fine the rest of her life without love. Without physical contact. Without being held. Or kissed. All the while, they’re inching closer and closer together until it goes off. No, not Lone Star’s pocket blaster. Dot’s alarm. She calls Lone Star a sex fiend. Please, Star Lord and Kirk are bigger players than he is. 

2- “No, sir! I didn’t see you playing with your dolls again.”

After acquiring Vespa from Vega, Dark Helmet got his action figures out and is having a little pretend time. His Helmet figure is going on about how he can have his way with her. No, she hates him… And yet, she finds him strangely attractive. Of course, Druish princesses are often attracted to money and power. He has both, and she knows it. Oh, your helmet is so big. It’s at that moment the door opens, and we get a great, just got caught by the parents while touching yourself moment. Helmet scrambles to get his figures out of sight. Knock on my door! Knock next time! Did you see anything? No, sir, I didn’t see you playing with your dolls again. I laugh every time. 

 

1- “My hair! He shot my hair! Son of a bitch!”

After fighting their way to the castle, beyond the goblin city. Oops, wrong movie. Kidding. This is my favorite scene in the entire show. The heroes are making their way outside, under a barrage of laser fire, which because they’re Stormtrooper parodies, can’t hit anything, except the lock on the broad side of the Winnebago. Can’t get in the other door, it’s locked. Where are the keys? Inside. Great! Lone Star says to hold them off, and hands Vespa a blaster. She’s not shooting that thing, she hates guns. Then a laser hits her. “My hair! He shot my hair! Son of a bitch!”. Vespa cocks the gun, and shoots every single trooper. Barf speaks for us all, “holy shit!”. Vespa asks how she did. Not bad. Not bad, for a girl. Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo. I love that scene so much. I laugh out loud and cheer. She just kicks so much ass. You go, Vespa. Girl power! 

There you have it. My favorite Spaceballs moments. Did your favorite make the cut? Feel free to comment. Geeks will always triumph because cool is dumb. Until next time, stay geeky, and may the Schwartz be with you! 

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Top 5 Tuesday- Digi-Feels?!?

by Bevianna Bones

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Good evening, afternoon, morning, or whatever it may be to you, readers; today I want to talk to you about something special; today I want to discuss the times that video games have given me the feels. It doesn’t happen often, but when games bring the feels out in a gamer it’s an important event. Inspired by my recent play through of The Last of Us, I thought to myself, “self, this is game is a genuine experience to play.” And then I thought, to myself, “self, the last time you felt this many feels from a video game was when you broke down your brother’s bedroom door to weep, blubberous, sobs into his arms because Sephiroth had just impaled Aerith…” So in the spirit of getting the feels on, I bring you my top five moments games have brought me the feels. Not always the sad feels, mind you, just so long as there was a genuine emotion produced, (other than delight of simply playing) it was enough of a qualifier for the candidate to make it on the list. Here they are, in no particular order…

5. The Last of Us

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I challenge anyone to play this masterpiece of a game and not have a single moment of feels. Naughty Dog so splendidly captured the human spirit, they in every way earned all of the accolades and awards this game was bestowed. “Dis is da most human zaambie ting you half evah seen…” Oh wait, that was Arnold talking about his role in Maggie. Nonetheless, this is a great game, and a great experience that tugs on your heart strings in all ways. Suspense, horror, hope, fear, love and loss; this one’s got it all.

4. Final Fantasy VII-Aerith’s Death

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I was 16 when Final Fantasy VII came out for the PS1, and when I first played it, it was single handedly the greatest game experience I had ever witnessed. The only things I had ever loved as much up to that point were Final Fantasy Adventure and my dog. (This still holds true in most cases)  As I played through this adventure for the first time, it was on a 5″ B&W television I had hard wired (via much splicing) my PS1 into. Much was lost in the beauty of the game, but it still sucked me in nevertheless. I became fully engrossed in the story and the characters, and then, one sad evening that bastard Sephiroth had to go and slay Aeris. Even though I knew it was coming, it still produced all kinds of feels and my brother was left to pick up the pieces of a weeping Bevianna.

3.Resident Evil-Cerebrus’ Hallway

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Who let the dogs out?! The first installment was a masterpiece in it’s own right. Albeit, awards for its Oscar-worthy voice acting performances aside. By no means does it live up to games in the current gen consoles (all though, the hd remake of the GameCube remake is a beautiful experience); not only did this first game really pushed the limits of the original PS1, but it was a completely new venture for Capcom, and introduced the world to “survival horror” games.  I had borrowed this game over a long weekend from a friend. My brother and I sat in the basement, playing all day, all night to try and complete it without using a strategy guide. The initial scare that was genuinely dealt out when Jill walks down the hallway for the first time and the Cerebrus jump through the windows will never be matched.  Except of course if they cast original Jill into more voice acting roles.

2. Dead Space:Extraction

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“What’s this?!”, I say, as I’m browsing the cheepy bin at Gamestop…a “game of the year” for the Wii that doesn’t have Mario on it? Actually made by a third party developer? Why not?! I have to see this to even believe it.  Dead Space: Extraction was the Wii integration of the Dead Space franchise. A space-horror rail shooter. Maybe it was the motion controls, or the notion of being abandoned in a space mine with terrible space creatures…or both…but this game legitimately pulled me into, at often times, an unpleasant sensory experience. All the while, from start to finish, the game never loses sight of the suspense it was intended to put you in. Most deserving of the E3 GOTY award it received, and by far the most horrific experience available on the Wii, aside from trying to play Dance on Broadway with a group of drunken lesbians.

5. ET: The Extra Terrestrial

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Alright, I’m not just trying to be funny here, but for me and many other gamers out there, this was the first time there was a resounding and accurate sense of “what the fuck?!?” ever created in digital form. And never has there been since. Perhaps, if Atari had thought a wee bit wiser, they could have remarketed the project to the military as a “confusion inducer,” rather than burying the lot of them in a giant landfill. Why does ET keep falling in holes? Why does he look like a pixel penis? And why does a man in a lab coat suddenly and randomly appear?? Howard Scott Warshaw was trying to make the most epic Atari cartridge ever, but sadly it was a rush job and limited by the hardware itself, so the nuances got lost in translation. Much like my Star Wars post… Oh the irony…

Until next time…I’m off to weep over the YouTube video I just saw that suggests that Cloud actually killed Aerithle soble really big sob!!!

BB

T5T – Top 5 Pinball Machines

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by Bevianna Bones

Good day to you readers! What a wonderful holiday weekend it was. My mate and I made an excursion to Pinball Kingdomz, which is exactly what you would expect. A castle filled with pinball machines, old arcade games, ticket games, and craft beer. It was Bevianna heaven. After a day of playing the pins and drinking delicious beers, I was inspired to discuss pins here on the blog. Joshie and I have been discussing introducing a new recurring segment, Top Five Tuesdays, so what better way to start it off than to count down my top five favorite pinball machines of all time. Again, these are simply my personal favorites, not the top five in terms of revenue or general consensus.

5. Black Rose

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Shiver me timbers!! Black Rose is a swashbuckling themed table of beauty manufacturered by Bally-Williams in 1992. It was unique for having a cannon in the center of the lower playing field, and upon lighting broadside, you launched the pinball to sink the ship. Also, Black Rose had 2 mulitball modes and multiple video modes. 3746 of these tables were made, and I currently have the grand champion score on my home machine.

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4. Scared Stiff

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Scared Stiff is the second Elvira licensed pinball machine, and was by Bally-Midway in 1996. The first was Elvira and the Party Monsters in 1989. While both are great machines, Scared Stiff has the better gameplay and the better naughty Elvira quotes. “Now there’s a scary stiff”, “Who oesn’t love a little head”. Set in the realm of midnight horror bad movies, the premise is to light all 6 scary tales to activate the stiffometer and get scared stiff. The unique animated backglass of the spinning spider wheel adds an interesting element to activate bonuses when the ball is dropped in the spider hole when activated. This machine has 2 multiball modes, and the unusal ability to play bonus modes simultaneously when activated to really rack up the points. Bally made 4028 of these machines, and is currently fetching upwards of 20k in the collector market.

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3. Theatre of Magic

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Released in 1995 by Bally-Midway, this table was instantly one of my favorites the first time I put my 50 cents in and heard the voice say, “Welcome to the Theater of Magic! Shoot for the magic trunk!” The goal of the table is to light all of the magic shows and work your way up through magician apprenticeship to unlock the grand finale. Several different playfield oddities are on this table, such as the hidden basement, levitating balls, and a mirror that extends the playfield. Multiball was an easy unlock on this table. Bally made 6600 of these machines, and there is a supposed Easter egg, that if you hold down start and a flipper at some point in the game, vs codes for MK3 are shown, however, having never done this myself, I cannot confirm.

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2. Medieval Madness

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Another great Bally table released in 1997, this table featured a renaissance theme and Monty Pythonesque humor. Tina Fey even did some of the voices. The purpose of the game is to destroy the 6 castles of various roalty types, working your way through the kingdom to ultimately destroy the Reign of Payne. King Payne that is. Along the way, there are plenty of humorus modes to activate; peasant revolt, save the princess, catapult shots, and trolls to destroy. 3 multiball modes and a playfield castle that you actually get to destroy, make this a must play machine for any pinball or Monty Python lover. Bally produced 4016 of these machines, and it remains one of the most sought after by collectors, fetching nearly 15-20k dollars a machine.

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1. Twister

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My personal favorite, is different than many other people’s. Most pinball junkies will tell you that Addams Family or Twilight Zone, or even Terminator 2 are their favorite machine, but mine hands down is Twister. One of the last machines that Sega produced before getting out of the pinball business, it’s easily one of their best. This was a licensed table, based off the movie, so gameplay basically was driven around chasing the storms and unleashing Dorthy. This table has an impressive 4 ball multiball, and 4 different multiball modes. Filled with dialogue and music from the film, no one can imagine the pleasure of starting Chase Multiball and hearing the game tell you “We got cows!!” Oh it’s pure pinball greatness. And to add to the multiball madness, there is a spinning twisted disc in the center of the table that flings the balls throughout the playfield. The backglass even has a fan that blows “wind” on you to get you further in the mood.  While this is not a well known machine, or highly sought after by collectors, it’s multiball mayhem will always hold it the most special place in my heart.

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BB

All images in this article were taken from my virtual pinball cabinet that I built for use in my home. The cover image was taken at Pinball Kingdomz in Buda, TX.