Top 5 Tuesday – Eliza Dushku

 

By Joshie Jaxon 

Greetings, geek fans! Time for the return of Top Five Tuesday! Today’s countdown, if you couldn’t tell from the title, will be on roles played by the great Eliza Dushku. I’ve enjoyed her in everything I’ve seen her in, and though I have yet to see Tru Calling, I’m sure she’s good in that as well. Let’s get right to the list. Let the geeks begin! 

5- Special Agent Page, Big Bang Theory

First off is a guest appearance. Now, I prefer Eliza as a leading lady, but she did a great job with a relatively small role. Howard, needing clearance to go to the space station, warns his friends that someone will be contacting them. That someone is Agent Page of the FBI. Raj, unable to speak to women unless inebriated, has rum cake, and ends up throwing up on her shoes. Leonard ends up hitting on her. Sheldon, in true Sheldon fashion, bitches about Howard’s shortcomings without really answering any of her questions, and even files a complaint with her superiors. Despite all of this, she remains professional. 

4- Danielle, The New Guy

Second is Eliza’s role as leading lady, and cheerleader in a movie about a geek who transforms himself into a cool kid at a new school. Danielle hangs with him, and he falls for her. He even gets a private bikini shopping montage. Danielle gets her own character arc as well. She does from clique cheerleader, to someone who remembers her old friends, and socialized with them again, much to the surprise of the student body. While not her greatest or classiest role, she gets a great deal of screen time, and brings it the whole time. Speaking of bringing it…

3- Missy, Bring It On 

Third place is actually the second role I originally lived Eliza in. This movie has a special place for me and Bevianna. We watched it on tv during difficult times. That year for X-Mas we got it for each other on DVD. That was a fun round of present opening that year. Despite the fact that when she appears on screen, everyone assumes she’s a dyke, Missy is the same type of character that Eliza usually embodies; strong, independent, and kind of a badass. She becomes friends with Torrance, and even brings a moral compass to the squad, getting them to be original rather than continuing to use the stolen routines they’d be using until she arrived. She’s a worthy costar for the film, and it would have been weaker without her in it. 

2- Echo, Dollhouse 

This was a tough call. I almost put this as number one. I still may declare it a tie for top slot. For those unfamiliar with this particular gem, I strongly suggest you watch it. It’s a simple premise, but has so much depth it almost hurts. A facility full of people who’ve been wiped clean, and can be implanted with any personality or training that the client desires. These “dolls” can be anything from a sex toy, to therapist, to sniper, crook, negotiator, you get the point. It allows Eliza to show a wide range of talents while still giving her “blank self”, Echo, a personality of her own. She is believable in each of the personas she portrays and makes each of them original, rather than just Echo in a whatever outfit. It’s one that I need to watch again, as there’s always something new to find each time. 

1- Faith, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Here we are, the number one slot. It should surprise anyone. I gave Faith the edge for two reasons. First, it’s Buffy’s 20th, and two, that means we’ve had access to this character for 18 years. Faith is the third Slayer we see on the series, and some would argue she’s the best. Granted, her arc in season 3 has her going from Slayer to right hand of the big bad. At first you think she’s just a loose cannon, but when she accidentally kills an innocent, and tells Buffy that she doesn’t care, we see she’s going downhill fast. An attitude of “want, take, have”, gets her quite far. My favorite moment with Faith though is when she returns and switches bodies with Buffy. We then get to see Eliza play the good Slayer. It’s a spectacular performance. Some would say Faith is better as a redeemed character, and good girl. I’m not one of them. Much as I have an affinity for villains/bad boys, I have an affinity for dark Faith as well. Relating to the dark characters gives us a chance to embrace the darkness within, while in the confines of a fictional universe. Want, take, have may work for Faith, but not for Joshie. That doesn’t stop me from loving Faith, Eliza, and the many badass characters she has and will portray. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep five by five. 

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Days of Future Logan

By Joshie Jaxon 

Greetings, geek fans! I know I haven’t posted in forever, and for that I apologize. Work threw me a series of curveballs, from which I am still recovering. However, that doesn’t mean that I don’t have items in the works for you, dear fans. This won’t be my normal retro review, but something a bit more modern, though no less geeky, I swear. Let the geeks begin! 

As most of you know, Logan just came out recently, and with it, a whole new series of questions about the X-Universe. I’m going to focus on one that arose for me, not from Logan, but re-watching Days of Future Past. There are potential spoilers ahead, so this is your last chance to stop reading until you’ve seen Logan. If you have, or simply don’t mind knowing a small plot point or two, read on. 

I’m aware that the timeline of events in the X-Universe is shaky at best. That being said, I’m trying to piece together the time frame for the end of Days and the start of Logan. During the course of Days, Logan is sent 50 years into the past to 1973. Based on that, it implies that the future he was sent from/returns to is 2023. At the end of Days, the original film X-Men are all around, and Logan asks the Professor for a history lesson so that he knows what the official history of the world is now. With me so far? Good. 

Alright, now, Logan takes place in 2029, which is only six years after the events of Days. Extrapolating from Origins, Logan was  born in the late 1830’s, making him roughly 200 years old. I personally have a hard time thinking that in that relatively short space of time, between Days and Logan, that Logan’s healing factor would have weakened to the point that his adamantium would be slowly poisoning him. In addition, Xavier would be 97 years old in Logan, making him 91 at the end of Days. I have an additional hard time thinking that Xavier would deteriorate to the point he did by Logan. I know that seniors can develop any number of ailments as they age, but being in his 90’s already, I’d think that if he had something that would lead to the Westchester Incident, it would have been present in either timeline of Days, or he’d at least be getting symptoms. For that matter, shouldn’t they have tangled with Essex/Sinister?  That’s someone I’d like to see on screen.

Granted, the movies continue with the First Class cast, so any number of things could happen between Days and Logan. All we know for certain is that Laura/X-23 should already exist at the end of Days, though she’d still be in her facility. Xavier and the crew are all alive and well, until the “incident”, and Logan is still at the school, though he has no idea in what capacity. Given the scars on old man Logan, it stands to reason there’s still one more story that can be told with the original cast, but since Jackman claims to have hung up the claws, we the fans may be left to our speculations. 

What are your thoughts on the progression of Logan and Xavier? Plausible? Feel free to leave a comment. Until next time, stay geeky, andkeep gabbing! 
 

Ink of Geek

by Bevianna Bones

It’s been a while readers, and while it saddens me that I was unable to bring you an epically awful horror movie to celebrate Valentine’s Day, or President’s day with, the reason for my absence is now to be unveiled to you, the geeky world.

For sometime, pretty much for as long as I could hold a pencil, I have been perusing my artistic endeavors. It’s all that I’ve ever really wanted to do with my life. Unfortunately, in the course of my life, there have been circumstances that have kept me from making that passion a reality…such as an unforgiving career in retail management and having to pay the nasty, nasty billsies. With a career change late in 2015, I was able to open up my time to persue the things that I’ve been wanting to do.

I am happy to say, that with a newly renewed drive to make this life what I want to be, as of January 31, I have opened an Etsy store to sell my art prints of all things geeky.  There isn’t a huge variety on there currently, but I am committed to adding more every week.  The ultimate goal of this is to be able to make and sale art full time, through not only the interwebs, but traveling to many of the annual Comic Cons and other geek conventions. 

I invite you to take a look at my shop page on Etsy at http://etsy.com/shop/InkofGeek
And to like Ink of Geek on Facebook and on follow me @jade_3101 on Twitter. 

I leave you now with some of my favorites of  the prints available so far. 

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It’s Tom Servo!…and he’s huge!!!

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Gizmo has had enough shit and it’s time to take it all back!

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‘Murica!!!

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Holy na-na-na-na na-na-na Batman!!!

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Oswald Cobblepot…I bet he gives great flipper.

If there are any ideas of characters you’d like to see, leave a comment on the blog, or on the Ink of Geek Facebook page.

Till next time!

BB

Jack Frost

by Bevianna Bones

The joyful holiday season is upon us, and while its kept your dear Bevianna busy as a beaver, one thing I always manage to make time for every year is the enjoyment of timeless holiday classics. Holiday movies themselves are nearly their own genre, and as readers of this blog well know, I have joyful traditions in all of them. The holidays that is, and the movies they inspire as a “perfect” backdrop for a fine tale. There is no holiday greater than Christmas for all of the holiday inspired films out there. And with such revered time honored traditions, it’s difficult to say which is the perfect one. There are people that have their wonderful lives, and their Christmas stories…their Walton’s homecomings, their Christmas vacations…their Grinch, their Muppets, their Mickey, their Garfield, and their Charlie Brown…their White Christmas, and their miracles on 34th street. Some even enjoy their Die Hard’s and even their Gremlins, but for me, even above the blackest Christmas the time when Santa Claus conquered the Martians, my holiday joy is most jingled all the way with Jack Frost.

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Hooray! Someone remembered I exist!!

Actually, not that one, for it mearly shares the same title.

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Heartwarming. Touching.

Hell no. Not that one either. I’m talking about the greatest holiday classic of all…

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Chillin. AND Killin.

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Ahh! Of course!! No one likes MY movie. Twitch

This lump of turd was released in 1997, a year before the heartwarming Micheal Keaton family treat. I sincerely hope there are families out there that in their wanting of some good old fashioned family feels, went out and rented our titular tale in error.  After all, it is easy to mistake both title characters just from the looks of you disregard the box art.

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Michael Keaton, and..

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The only difference really being that our Jack doesn’t have that little nub for a nose. A plot device that will become most important.

Our movie opens, and we see a criminal transport truck on its way to bring the infamous serial killer, Jack Frost, guilty of thirty-eight homicides, on his way to state execution, after being caught for his crimes by the local sheriff of Snowmonton. It’s only a week before Christmas, and the roads are ever so treacherous.  Jack’s execution is scheduled for midnight, but does not happen. Instead the transport truck collides with a tanker full of genetic waste, and as Jack tries to escape the wreckage, he is overtaken by the spilling waste. His body is melted by the toxic waste and his soul is fused with the snow.

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Cut to Snomonton. Sheriff Sam is haunted by the ever-so-deadly threats of Jack Frost, who upon capture, avowed to get revenge on Sheriff Sam for ending his murderous spree that sprawled across five states.  Even with the news of his execution, Sam still fears that Jack’s vengeance will become a reality.  His fears are soon confirmed when Sam’s son, Ryan (who is a terrible cook), witnesses local bully Billy get beheaded in a freak ski accident. Of which, Ryan claims, was caused by none other than, a snowman.  Of course, no one believes him, and shortly thereafter, Billy’s parents are also killed.

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Featuring festive deaths for everyone!

After witnessing the deaths of the parents, Sheriff Sam’s best pal, Paul, tells everyone of the killer snowman, but of course, no one believes him. Afterall, this is Snomonton…not, Snowmantown. Just exactly what the hell is going on here?! Sheriff Sam decides that it’s best to lock up Paul the Pal for the time being on account of his crazy ramblings until he can get to the bottom of things.

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In the name of love. Before you break your heart.

Just as Sheriff Sam decides that something is definitely amiss, FBI agents Manners and Stone arrive in town and vaguely confirm that something is indeed amiss in town. They suggest that Sheriff Sam put Snomonton on a 24 hour curfew, and he sends all his lackeys out to round up all the folks of Snomonton, during which, Jack, after just getting start on his icy killing spree, easily kills one of the officers and steals his patrol car.  Jinkies! Another important plot device!!

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Hiya Barbie! You wanna go for ride? Hop in!

Seeing the curfew an opportune time, Billy the Bully’s slutty sister, and now orphaned, Jill (I really wanted her name to be Sally…but, maybe instead of Sally the Slutty Slit, it could very well be Jailbait Jill…I don’t know), brings her boytoy to none other than Sheriff Sam’s very own home to get revenge for the death of her entire family by stealing his booze and having drunk sexy times into the wee hours. Never has a more diabolical plan been hatched!!

Of course, Jack is in pursuit of Sam, so goes to his home, only to find the two youngsters. And, in one of my two favorite scenes kills the boyfriend in all it’s oven-mitted glory.

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With him out of the way, Jack is free to have his way with Jailbait Jill, or Sally the Slutty Slit, as I still prefer to call her, and proceeds to the bathroom where she is taking, none other than, a bath. In the most iconic scene from the film, Jack pulls off his carrot nose and fucks Jill to death in the shower.

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These are the moments that define ones career

Yes, internet, if you didn’t already know, snowman-carrot-slut-slit-fucking has already been done.  Creative minds will have to think of something else.

All but one need assaisiated, Jack heads to the police station to confront Sam.  Agent Stone finally breaks down under tough scrutiny and reveals that he works for the same genetics company that made the sludge that mutated Jack into the snowman. Was it really an accident? Conspiracy. Damned govement.  Agent Stone explains that the human soul is merely a chemical, and the toxic sludge was going to be used to store DNA in case of the impending nuclear holocaust.

The team devises a plan to destroy Jack; they are going to blow him up inside the police station. Using aerosol cans and firing a bullet towards them, it does absolutely nothing and the war rages on.

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Using hair dryers they manage to push Jack back towards he furnace, which is successful only in condensing him, and ultimately allowing Jack to kill Agent Stone and maim Agent Manners.

Jack traps Sheriff Sam and son Ryan in his car, but Sam manages to escape by wounding Jack with the oatmeal his son had made him for breakfast. Curious, oatmeal burning the snowman.

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One of Ryan’s favorite recipes from the Arsonists Cookbook

Sam asks Ryan what he put in the oatmeal, and he tells him he used antifreeze to make it…so he wouldn’t get cold. Sounds to me like son wanted daddy gone, because no one is that stupid, even in a movie about killer snowmen. Alternatively, if the kid is in fact that touched (as we say in the south), what kind of parents would let this drooling, defecating, murmuring vegetable of a human near an open flame?

And like a light switching itself on, Sheriff Sam knows what he needs to do to rid Snomonton (who just so happens is in the middle of celebrating their annual snowman festival, if I didn’t mention it earlier). Sheriff Sam goes and tells Pal Paul to fill up the bed of his truck with antifreeze.

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In the gut wrenching climax, Jack chases Sam through a church and finally catches him, impailing him with an icicle. It nearly would have killed Sam, too, had the truck full of antifreeze not shown up just in the nick of time. Jack and Sam crash through the church window and land in the truck.  Jack is melted and finally gone. They poor the antifreeze (which now is chaulk full of Jack’s soul) into the empty antifreeze containers and bury them into the ground.  The state police are on their way, and Sheriff Sam proclaims, “We will tell them it’s too late.”

The last shot of the film shows one of the containers bubbling, confirming that Jack is still alive, but contained. For now.

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Did somebody say sequel??

I haven’t seen the sequel,  but in truth I am curious to. Surely it’s as terrible, if not more terrible than the first. Maybe a double feature could become a new tradition in the coming years.  Until next time.

-BB

Thankskilling

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by Bevianna Bones

Gobble Gobble Muther Fuckers! No, that’s not an incredibly rude salutation; but rather a warm holiday greeting from none other than Turkie himself.  Thankskilling is the greatest of the worst low budget holiday horror flicks there is. And when I say “low budget”, what I actually need to say “fucking low”, as the only thing cheaper to make than this holiday classic was probably Birdemic. According to the DVD case it was made for a mere $3,500. That’s United States dollars. Thirty-five hundred of them. This thing was cheaper to make than the Jon Benet Ramsey case!

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Postulated as well on the cover is the promise of boobs, yes, boobs in the first second.  I haven’t timed it to see if the dumplings make their appearance in under an actual second or not, but rest assured they are there. The film opens and we find a pilgrim woman “receiving the holiday blessing”, dumplings bared to the world.

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So the pilgrims were the ones that brought the breasts to the first Thanksgiving.

Her holiday joy is soon interupted, however, as there is rustling in the thicket and she struggles to get away.  Before she can get to saftey, we catch our first glimpse of the killer. A puppeteered turkey head pops out of the bushes and utters the first of many zingers, “Nice tits, bitch!’ and kills her.  And roll credits.

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I need to make two important notes here, the first being that more effort went into the music for the credits than the entire rest of the film; and secondly, the credits allow us to discover that the breasty pilgrim was none other than veteran adult film “star” Wanda Lust.  I wonder how much a gratutious breast shot from a herald “actress” such as herself costs to put into one’s picture. My guess would be about $3,500.

The actual plot of the movie follows a ragtag group of cliched, but loveable, college pals on their way home for the Thanksgiving break. All the archetypes are represented.  There is the jock, Johnny. The somewhat of the leader of the pack, the would-be quaterback, who’s repatoire mostly consists of football related puns. There is the slutty girl, Ali, who’s sole purpose is to spread infectious disease. Her legs are harder to shut than the Jon Benet Ramsey case!

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Put your shirt down, it’s Thanksgiving, not Titsgiving!

The fat redneck kid, Billy, who wants to bang or kill everything, and drink Busch Light.  The nerdy kid, Darren, who not surprisingly knows Turkie’s backstory, and likely akwardly masturbates over the sluttly girl.  Lastly, there is the akward, homely, wholesome girl, Kristen, who spends most of her time thinking about that dreamy quarterback, getting good grades, and making terrible Jon Benet Ramsey jokes every opportunity she gets. Her father is the town sheriff. Of course.

They are on their way, and the Jeep (of course) that they are driving overheats. Instead of waiting it out, they decide the best option is to camp in the woods.  Of course. Luckily, they have enough beer and gear to make it happen. 

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Darren soon realizes that they are in the town of Crawberg, and as local legend has it, an old Indian shaman named, Feathercloud, was once dishonored by a pilgrim (who happens to be a decendant of the redneck…of course), and because of this dishonor, out of the outrage, Feathercloud via necomancy, created a demoic turkey who is said to rise every five hundred and five years and slay every caucasian it encounters. And, it just so happens that they are camping in the very area, and it has been exactly five hundred and five years. Of course.

Meanwhile…

A hermit living in the woods is hermiting about with his dog, when the dog urinates on a miniature totem pole, thus releasing Turkie from his five hundred year slumber. Turkie kills the dog, and the hermit swears to get venegance against that turkey. Turkey wanders into the camp, just as the Kristen wanders into the woods to pee by herself. She encounters the turkey, and annoyed with her screaming, declares that he will drink her blood like cranberry sauce. She rushes back to tell everyone, but no one will believe her, chalking it up to her having too much to drink. That is, until a rabbit is thrown into the fire after being pecked to death by a beak. And not just any beak, a turkey beak.

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Morning comes, and the group is on their way, unbeknownst to them however, so is Turkie.  He flags down a motorist who then propositions Turkie for sexual favors, after which Turkie shoots him in the head and hijacks the car. That night, everyone has returned to their homes.  Johnny tries to reconcile his relationship with his father, who hasn’t spoken to him since he only made second string. Just as the two patch things up, Turkie kills his family, and magically throws in a couple football puns for himself. Apparently not phased too much by his family’s death, he joins his pals. All except for the Ali.  She is busy getting banged by her boyfriend, and is so into her adult film style climax audition, doesn’t notice when Turkie kills the boyfriend mid-bang and takes over.  Turkie finishes her off, and proclaims, “You just got stuffed!” and then promptly kills her.

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The gang figures they should go looking for the slutty girl, and after finding her dead, deduce that it had to be the turkey, because evidence was left at the scene.  Yep, a gravy-flavored condom in size extra small. After the murder of Johnny’s family and the death of slutty girl, the gang decides they need to seek some help.  They go to find wholesome girl’s dad, the sheriff, and use his library.  Because he has so many books, he’s sure to have one on killer turkeys. 

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Turkie, however, has beaten them there, and disguised with a pair of Groucho glasses, the sheriff, dressed as a turkey for a “pagent” lets him in and the two share a nice cup of coffee together.

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Sheriff calls Turkie and “odd duck” which causes great offense and Turkie kills him, and makes a leatherface style mask out of the sheriff’s face just in time for the group to arrive. 

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The disguise is enough to doup the gang and Turkie’s presence goes unnoticed.  The gang finds a book about Turkey that says they can kill Turkie if they remove the magic talisman he wears around his neck, although the rest of the instructions are written in a code. Of course.

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Billy stumbles into Turkie disposing of the sheriff’s body.  The gang is able to get the talisman, but Turkie gets away.   Kristen and Johnny finally realize their feelings for one another, while Darren sets out to crack the code.  Billy storms off outside, and in a lack of feeding hunger induced haze, devours Turkie’s soul who then pecks him to death from the inside out.  Billy dies in the Darren’s arms and sparks a montage of all the great times they shared together.  Vengence must be had for Billy!

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They break the code, and find out that the only way to kill Turkie is to burn him at the stake after saying a demonic prayer backwards.  They head to his tipi to catch him in his sleep talisman in hand.  They say the prayer and get ready to burn him, as he thwarts them yet again, and runs outside only to be shot by the old hermit, and lands in a dumpster full of radioactive waste, bringing turkey back to life.  Thinking they have killed him,  although, clearly they didn’t kill him the way the book instructed, they head back home to relax, where Johnny makes the best remark, “I might have lost my whole family to that turkey, but at least I found me a girlfriend.”  Thankfully, Turkie, now stronger, comes in the house, kills Darren by cutting out his tongue and ripping out his heart; then attacks Johnny with and electric knife, and with one last football pun dies.  Kristen lights turkie on fire with an aerosal flamethrower and kicks Turkie into a pile of wood, thus burning him to death, as originally instructed

The movie ends with a scene at a family Thanksgiving table, and as the camera pans to the center, Turkie pops up and says “I smell a sequel bitch!”  Which there was, althoughly sadly as nearly unwatchable the original was, the sequel, deemed Thankskilling 3 because as told in it’s opening, Thankskilling 2 was so bad that Turkie destroyed all the copies.  That I don’t doubt, but he should have destroyed all the copies of 3 as well.  The original title will always remain the best and is only a mere 66 minutes long. Just enough time to stuff it in there between the parade and football.  Watch it, enjoy it, and then thank me for making it a part of your family’s tradition for years to come.

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BB

Alamo City Comic Con – Day 3

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by Bevianna Bones

The third day of conventions is usually a shorter, more peaceful day. Artists and vendors generally start discounting their wares and the crowd is usually less than half it was the day before.  Day 3 at the ACCC was still serving up some great panels in Flash Gordon, Comic Book Men, Edward James Olmos, Villians of Arrow, and Guardians of the Galaxy. Sadly the later was overbooked and it was going to be standing room only; by this point in the con, my partner and I were pretty peopled out and decided to cut the panels from the itinerary. We spent the day visiting with some of the artists and vendors; knocking out about half of our Xmas shopping for the fam.  We ran into some of our pals and had a little fun with some cosplayers. Shenanigans!  We did get to sneak a pic of Stan Lee.  He was signing autographs and he literally looked like someone was propping him up. (How did you cast Ms Monroe in this picture, she’s been dead for years…she’s perfect for the part really, she’s lying on the floor, falling out of cupboards…) If anyone out there actually gets that reference, I’ll be most impressed.

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One of our great finds was this awesome Borg standee that we picked up for 5 bucks. What a steal!!

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And the hilarity ensued! While visiting with some of our pals, Darth Vadar enters the room with an entourage of Sith cheerleaders. People start snapping pics, and other people in Star Wars garb start joining the group. (Including some of our own Jedi pals)

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I’m laughing to myself about how some of these Star Wars fans are flipping their shit for this epic photo op, and realize I’m holding this Borg in my hand. I look over to the misses and mention how funny it would be to go put the Borg in the pic, since Wars fans generally have no sense of humor when it comes to Trek being better. The result, was this.

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Best part is, my friend that took that pic was telling me that everyone else taking the picture was asking why the Borg was there. Great stuff. And it became a bit of an ongoing theme for us the rest of the day. Photo-Borging other people’s pics.  Good times.

All in all, it was a great geeky weekend, despite my frustration from being around large swarms of people. Saturday’s attendance numbers were estimated to close to 100,000 people. (All wanting to see the Walking Dead panel haha) Oh, and the cheesey wristband did actually hold up for all three days, albeit a bit ragged by the end.

In it’s third year, it only has kept getting better, and if any of the powers that be are reading this, here’s these geeks request for next year: more retro panels and less current events. But maybe I’m just biased, after all 3G is all about the retro and fabulous.

To wrap up, I’ll leave you with some of my favorite cosplay pics we took. Imagine each photo fading in and out, with a soft Sarah McLachlan playing in the background as you scroll through.

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BB