–by Bevianna Bones

The joyful holiday season is upon us, and while its kept your dear Bevianna busy as a beaver, one thing I always manage to make time for every year is the enjoyment of timeless holiday classics. Holiday movies themselves are nearly their own genre, and as readers of this blog well know, I have joyful traditions in all of them. The holidays that is, and the movies they inspire as a “perfect” backdrop for a fine tale. There is no holiday greater than Christmas for all of the holiday inspired films out there. And with such revered time honored traditions, it’s difficult to say which is the perfect one. There are people that have their wonderful lives, and their Christmas stories…their Walton’s homecomings, their Christmas vacations…their Grinch, their Muppets, their Mickey, their Garfield, and their Charlie Brown…their White Christmas, and their miracles on 34th street. Some even enjoy their Die Hard’s and even their Gremlins, but for me, even above the blackest Christmas the time when Santa Claus conquered the Martians, my holiday joy is most jingled all the way with Jack Frost.

Hooray! Someone remembered I exist!!

Actually, not that one, for it mearly shares the same title.

Heartwarming. Touching.

Hell no. Not that one either. I’m talking about the greatest holiday classic of all…

Chillin. AND Killin.

Ahh! Of course!! No one likes MY movie. Twitch

This lump of turd was released in 1997, a year before the heartwarming Micheal Keaton family treat. I sincerely hope there are families out there that in their wanting of some good old fashioned family feels, went out and rented our titular tale in error.  After all, it is easy to mistake both title characters just from the looks of you disregard the box art.

Michael Keaton, and..

The only difference really being that our Jack doesn’t have that little nub for a nose. A plot device that will become most important.

Our movie opens, and we see a criminal transport truck on its way to bring the infamous serial killer, Jack Frost, guilty of thirty-eight homicides, on his way to state execution, after being caught for his crimes by the local sheriff of Snowmonton. It’s only a week before Christmas, and the roads are ever so treacherous.  Jack’s execution is scheduled for midnight, but does not happen. Instead the transport truck collides with a tanker full of genetic waste, and as Jack tries to escape the wreckage, he is overtaken by the spilling waste. His body is melted by the toxic waste and his soul is fused with the snow.

Cut to Snomonton. Sheriff Sam is haunted by the ever-so-deadly threats of Jack Frost, who upon capture, avowed to get revenge on Sheriff Sam for ending his murderous spree that sprawled across five states.  Even with the news of his execution, Sam still fears that Jack’s vengeance will become a reality.  His fears are soon confirmed when Sam’s son, Ryan (who is a terrible cook), witnesses local bully Billy get beheaded in a freak ski accident. Of which, Ryan claims, was caused by none other than, a snowman.  Of course, no one believes him, and shortly thereafter, Billy’s parents are also killed.

Featuring festive deaths for everyone!

After witnessing the deaths of the parents, Sheriff Sam’s best pal, Paul, tells everyone of the killer snowman, but of course, no one believes him. Afterall, this is Snomonton…not, Snowmantown. Just exactly what the hell is going on here?! Sheriff Sam decides that it’s best to lock up Paul the Pal for the time being on account of his crazy ramblings until he can get to the bottom of things.

In the name of love. Before you break your heart.

Just as Sheriff Sam decides that something is definitely amiss, FBI agents Manners and Stone arrive in town and vaguely confirm that something is indeed amiss in town. They suggest that Sheriff Sam put Snomonton on a 24 hour curfew, and he sends all his lackeys out to round up all the folks of Snomonton, during which, Jack, after just getting start on his icy killing spree, easily kills one of the officers and steals his patrol car.  Jinkies! Another important plot device!!

Hiya Barbie! You wanna go for ride? Hop in!

Seeing the curfew an opportune time, Billy the Bully’s slutty sister, and now orphaned, Jill (I really wanted her name to be Sally…but, maybe instead of Sally the Slutty Slit, it could very well be Jailbait Jill…I don’t know), brings her boytoy to none other than Sheriff Sam’s very own home to get revenge for the death of her entire family by stealing his booze and having drunk sexy times into the wee hours. Never has a more diabolical plan been hatched!!

Of course, Jack is in pursuit of Sam, so goes to his home, only to find the two youngsters. And, in one of my two favorite scenes kills the boyfriend in all it’s oven-mitted glory.

With him out of the way, Jack is free to have his way with Jailbait Jill, or Sally the Slutty Slit, as I still prefer to call her, and proceeds to the bathroom where she is taking, none other than, a bath. In the most iconic scene from the film, Jack pulls off his carrot nose and fucks Jill to death in the shower.

These are the moments that define ones career

Yes, internet, if you didn’t already know, snowman-carrot-slut-slit-fucking has already been done.  Creative minds will have to think of something else.

All but one need assaisiated, Jack heads to the police station to confront Sam.  Agent Stone finally breaks down under tough scrutiny and reveals that he works for the same genetics company that made the sludge that mutated Jack into the snowman. Was it really an accident? Conspiracy. Damned govement.  Agent Stone explains that the human soul is merely a chemical, and the toxic sludge was going to be used to store DNA in case of the impending nuclear holocaust.

The team devises a plan to destroy Jack; they are going to blow him up inside the police station. Using aerosol cans and firing a bullet towards them, it does absolutely nothing and the war rages on.

Using hair dryers they manage to push Jack back towards he furnace, which is successful only in condensing him, and ultimately allowing Jack to kill Agent Stone and maim Agent Manners.

Jack traps Sheriff Sam and son Ryan in his car, but Sam manages to escape by wounding Jack with the oatmeal his son had made him for breakfast. Curious, oatmeal burning the snowman.

One of Ryan’s favorite recipes from the Arsonists Cookbook

Sam asks Ryan what he put in the oatmeal, and he tells him he used antifreeze to make it…so he wouldn’t get cold. Sounds to me like son wanted daddy gone, because no one is that stupid, even in a movie about killer snowmen. Alternatively, if the kid is in fact that touched (as we say in the south), what kind of parents would let this drooling, defecating, murmuring vegetable of a human near an open flame?

And like a light switching itself on, Sheriff Sam knows what he needs to do to rid Snomonton (who just so happens is in the middle of celebrating their annual snowman festival, if I didn’t mention it earlier). Sheriff Sam goes and tells Pal Paul to fill up the bed of his truck with antifreeze.

In the gut wrenching climax, Jack chases Sam through a church and finally catches him, impailing him with an icicle. It nearly would have killed Sam, too, had the truck full of antifreeze not shown up just in the nick of time. Jack and Sam crash through the church window and land in the truck.  Jack is melted and finally gone. They poor the antifreeze (which now is chaulk full of Jack’s soul) into the empty antifreeze containers and bury them into the ground.  The state police are on their way, and Sheriff Sam proclaims, “We will tell them it’s too late.”

The last shot of the film shows one of the containers bubbling, confirming that Jack is still alive, but contained. For now.

Did somebody say sequel??

I haven’t seen the sequel,  but in truth I am curious to. Surely it’s as terrible, if not more terrible than the first. Maybe a double feature could become a new tradition in the coming years.  Until next time.

-BB