By Joshie Jaxon
Greetings, geek fans! I started this post, and never actually finished it. I do the same thing with my gaming as well. I suffer from shiny kitten syndrome, and bad impulse control. Don’t worry, I always finish what I start, it just takes some time. I’ll dive right in with my original opening paragraph. Let the geeks begin!
Conan, the mightiest warrior ever! His quest: to undo the spell of living stone cast upon his family by driving the evil serpent men back into another dimension and vanquishing their leader, the cruel wizard, Wrath-Amon. Once again, great voiceover. However, this was during the opening song. Kinda gives a major plot spoiler, but it does also give us his motivation, so I’m torn. Either way, we’ve got yet another show about a beefy man with a sword, who wears nothing but a cape, loincloth, earrings, and a necklace. Accessories are a girls best friend.
We open with Conan and his grandpa on a campout of manly bonding. Gramps is telling a story of knights. Conan hears the rumble of horse hooves, and wonders if it’s the knights. Gramps tells him it’s a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plain. Conan says one day it won’t be horses, it will be knights, and he’ll lead them into battle. That’s right Christie, keep telling yourself that. Gramps looks to the sky and says it’s crying tears of fire. No, that’s meteorites. They start to crash into their campsite, and the two take off. They reach the edge of a cliff, and Conan says they have to jump. Gramps says he’s too old, and to leave him. Conan throws the old man on his back, tells him to hang on and leaps over the edge. He and gramps manage to make it to the other side. The fiery tears continue to rain down. Inexperienced boy that he is, Conan is running out in the open, while gramps seeks shelter and tries to get him to it. The meteor shower ends, and Conan goes to investigate a nearby crater. There’s a glowing rock inside that turns out to be made of metal; star metal. It’s worth pointing out that something fiery that just fell from the sky, and is made of what I’d assume is hot metal right now, was able to be picked right up without it burning. If Conan’s hands are already that calloused, I’d hate to see what his poor penis looks like after whacking off. This is an era with no lotion or lubrication, after all.
Elsewhere, in a penis-shaped tower near a pyramid, a snake creature with arms is freaking the eff out about the sky falling and them all being doomed. Wrath-Amon tells Dregs that it’s only a few stars falling. Oh, is that all? Whew. It’s not like it’s not ancient Cimmerian, and they have google and science to tell him everything is ok. Fiery chunks falling out of the sky, not so good for dinosaurs, so let the little snake thing have his chicken little/henny penny moment. The black ring on Wrath-Amon’s hand starts to glow. He says that Set is summoning him, and he must go to the pyramid at once.
Back in Conan’s village, he brings the last haul of star metal to his father, the blacksmith. Daddy says he and Conan will make weapons and tools like no man has ever seen. Mama says they’ll fetch a fine price at the merchant gathering next year. Conan is concerned about selling all of it. Daddy says that he’ll save some, star fighter. A name that implies he’s gonna fight stars, not fight with power from the stars. Oh well.
In the pyramid, things are about to get freaky. Wrath-Amon approaches a giant snake statue, says he heeds Sets’ call, and uses the power of the black ring to open the sparkly red portal between worlds. He bids set to enter, that he may hear his commands. There’s a bit of lightning from the portal, and the snake statues eyes open. Set says he’s waited for these stars to fall for thousands and thousands of years, and that his liberation is at hand. Dregs is clinging to Wrath-Amon’s leg as he asks how that’s possible. Set says the stars are made of the same metal as the black ring. Set orders Wrath-Amon to build him seven great pyramids, with a disc of star metal atop each one. Only then can he be permanently freed from the Abyss, and enslave the Earth. Bottom line – Megalomaniacal snake deity wants to be free and rule us all. Everyone following along so far? Good.
In the forge of blacksmithy goodness, daddy-Conan is putting the final strikes on a sword before cooling it. He says he will make no other swords from the star metal, as none could compare with what he just made. He tells Conan that it’s his sword, but he has to earn it. That’s right, daddy. Don’t just give it to me, make me earn it. Daddy takes him to the top of a mountain, and uses his barbarian strength to lift a stone lid off an altar. Conan is ordered to place the stone inside, and he can have the sword when he’s ready. Conan says he’s man enough now. Daddy tells him to prove it, and forces him to his knees to- Hey, they’re all muscled and in furry loincloths, I’m only human. What so you mean, “they’re animated”? I had no idea. I though I was watching real life this whole time. It’s a joke, people. Pull up your pants, and stay with me. Despite being young, Conan struggles to get it up. The stone lid, that is. Conan collapses against it, and his father laughs at him, stating a few years of working the forge will give him the muscles he needs. Working other things will also build up your arm strength.
The time of the merchant gathering is upon us! That’s right, a year has already passed. Daddy-Conan is busy selling his wares. He tells his customers that they were made from stars that fell from the sky, that they’ll never dull, and can cut through anything. He’s given four gold coins for a dagger, as a shady character watches the transaction. Daddy asks where Conan is. Mama says he’s gone to see the horses. Actually, he’s strutting through town, looking like a beefcake centerfold. He sees some men struggling with a horse. No, it’s not a donkey show. One of the men draws a small crossbow, and Conan picks him up, calling him a coward. Conan cuts the black horse free and it runs off. The man turns his sights on Conan, saying he’ll pay. He fires his arrow, but manages to only hit a barrel of wine. Daddy-Conan comes running up and says that’s his son. The man say that he stole his horse. Daddy says he set loose a wild creature, and the man has no claim. He then destroys his crossbow.
Meanwhile, shady character is sniveling before Wrath-Amon, telling him that the blacksmith had said his goods were made of stars. Wrath-Amon asks where to find the blacksmith. The weasel says in the northern mountains, where the Cimmerians life. Wrath-Amon orders his chariot prepared.
In the soon to be doomed Cimmerian village, Conan and gramps are walking. Gramps says he can see the wanderlust is Conan’s eyes, and knows he’ll be leaving the village soon. He offers Conan a necklace he’d won in a battle against the Stygians, doing his best Liz Taylor he says it’s always brought him luck. In the night sky, a snake head shaped chariot, pulled by two-legged winged dragons descends. Gramps says it’s Wrath-Amon, and that his evil is legend. Wrath-Amon demands to see the blacksmith. Conan says he needs his sword, and gramps tells him to hurry. Wrath-Amon tells daddy to give him every piece of star metal he has. Daddy says he sold it all. He’s called a liar. Wrath-Amon says there must be more and to bring it out or he’ll tear the village apart piece by piece. The black ring glows, and he blasts a nearby hut.
At the altar in the mountains, Conan struggles again to get the lid off. All that time worrying about his size, and he never bothered to work on his technique. Or, maybe think of a way to use leverage. Oh well. He grunts, and sweats, and power lifts it off. He takes and inch or so out of the sheath, pushes it back in, and heads back to the village. Maybe he did research technique.
Daddy says that they’ll get nothing from him. Wrath-Amon says that he’ll make an example of him, with the spell of living stone. Gramps and Mama approach, and the smoke-filled sphere is tossed. All three of them are turned to stone. Not walking around, living, stone. Stone-stone. Statue-stone. That spell is a bit of an exaggeration. Unless “living stone” just means they’re alive, and aware of what’s going on, but are too stoned to do anything about it. I know, I’m terrible.
Conan draws his sword, raising it above his head in full He-Man ripoff, and tells the wizard he’ll see who laughs last. Upon seeing the star metal sword, Wrath-Amon’s minions are ordered to retrieve it. However, upon getting close to it, the minions are revealed to be serpent men. Crom! After slicing through the enemies swords, Conan goes for a helm splitter, but this is the early 90’s and we have to think of the children, so the blade stops before connecting, and a portal opens above the minion before turning him into sparkles, and sending him through it, leaving his armor to fall to the ground like he was raptured. Conan dispatches the second serpent man and says snakes or men, nothing will stop him! Wrath-Amon knows discretion is best, and attempts to flee. Conan grabs the back of the chariot as it takes off. He climbs aboard and takes a swing. Wrath-Amon uses his X-23 claws to stop it, but the proximity to the sword causes him to be revealed as a serpent as well. He tells Conan that those who see the true face of Wrath-Amon must perish, and kicks him from the chariot. Conan shouts that he will find him! Wrath-Amon says he’ll destroy him first!
Morning finds Conan kneeling before his family. He swears to Crom, guardian spirit of their tribe, that he will not rest until they are restored to flesh and blood. Again, that assumes such a thing can be done. I presume “living stone” means they can be restored to life from stone. Some villain, having a way to undo his evil deeds. Pansy ass, snake man. As Conan leaves the village he sees a heard of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plain. What? The last time I took this test they said the pictures could be whatever I wanted. Conan calls out to the horse he freed at market, and it stops for him. Then, without even asking permission, or knowing the horse’s status, Conan just bare backs him. He offers to call the horse Midnight, and is promptly thrown off. The same thing happens with Mighty Avenger. Thunder meets with a happy neigh, and they take off. A short time later they reach the entrance to the city. Thunder hits the breaks, and throws Conan off. Neigh means neigh. As Conan gets to his feet, a man in a blue cloak appears, telling him what he seeks isn’t there. Conan asks how the man knows his name. The man says he knows a lot of things, like the star metal sword, and about Wrath-Amon. Conan is instructed to go to the tomb of Epimetrius the sage, and the sign of the Phoenix will show him the way. Conan / Jean Grey crossover? Nah!
Next we see Conan riding a saddled and bridled Thunder. I think we’re supposed to infer that he bought them in the city. As they reach the mountains, Conan wonders how he’ll find the tomb. The clouds part, and cast a bird-like shadow on the mountainside. Conan looks for an entrance, but as is customary, he doesn’t find it until he stops looking. Then he tumbles into the tomb, where a torch is already burning. A four-armed rock creature, assumed to be the tomb guardian, decides to battle Conan. Why the guardian isn’t outside the tomb is beyond me. Conan cuts off two of this arms, and then splits him into rumble. He actually quips about being off to a rocky start. Blue cloak appears, and Conan wonders how he got there before him. Blue cloak just walks right through him. Conan calls him a ghost. Blue cloak says he’s the ghost of Epimetrius the sage, and this is his tomb. He tells Conan that it is the time of humans vs serpent men, and Conan is destined to be humanities greatest champion against the serpents of Set.
Epimetrius says that thousands of years ago Set was ready to take over the world, but all the wizards gathered together and used their powers to banish him into the Abyss. His serpent men still walk among them, waiting for the return of their master. Conan says if Set is trapped, he shouldn’t be able to return. Epimetrius says that the star metal can set him free, so it must never fall into the wrong hands, like Wrath-Amon. Conan says his family was turned to stone, and asks if the spell can be undone. Blue cloak tells him that if he destroys Wrath-Amon’s black ring the spell will be broken. Before Conan can leave, Epimetrius says he’ll need a companion, and starts telling Needle to wake up. There’s a shield on the wall with a Phoenix emblem on in, but nothing live. The sage shouts at Needle to wake up this instant, explaining to Conan that he’s a fledgling Phoenix, only a hundred years old. The shield glows, and Needle emerges. He flies around and looks at Conan. Needle says he does want to go with big, dumb, barbarian. Epimetrius says if he doesn’t do many good deads, he’ll never grow up. Needle doesn’t care, and would rather sleep, so he returns to his shield. The sage tells Conan that he’ll come around, and to offer him a pomegranate. Most importantly, keep Needle a secret. Conan says he doesn’t want him. Blue cloak says he could always use a sturdy shield. In fact, it once belonged to a King of Atlantis.
Back at the python pyramid, Wrath-Amon is telling Set how the star metal touched the serpent men and they vanished. Set says they were sent to the Abyss, and are trapped with him. He orders Wrath-Amon to get him the star metal, and to bring him Conan.
Conan reaches another city, and assumes Thunder won’t follow him in there either. He leaves him, saying he’ll return after he’s finished with Wrath-Amon. Inside the city, there’s a pomegranate vendor, and Needle leaves the shield to go get one. Conan tells him he’s supposed to be a secret, and that he hasn’t any money to but him a pomegranate, but he will once he gets a job. Needle reminds him that he owes Needle a pomegranate, as he returns to the shield. A woman approaches Conan saying she heard him say he needs a job, and asks if he can sail. He says sure, despite not having an experience. She offers to take him to the inn to discuss the details, and to eat. At the inn, we see Conan finishing his food, and promptly pass out into it. A man emerges saying he thought the potion would never work. The lady says she gave him enough to put a bull to sleep. He says their master, Wrath-Amon will be pleased. Cut to Conan waking up on a Stygian slave ship, having to row for his life. Credits.
There ya have it, yet another muscled man with a sword. Not that I’m complaining. No wonder we have so many gays now. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing!