Conan the Adventurer – The Night of Fiery Tears


By Joshie Jaxon 

Greetings, geek fans! I started this post, and never actually finished it. I do the same thing with my gaming as well. I suffer from shiny kitten syndrome, and bad impulse control. Don’t worry, I always finish what I start, it just takes some time. I’ll dive right in with my original opening paragraph. Let the geeks begin! 

Conan, the mightiest warrior ever! His quest: to undo the spell of living stone cast upon his family by driving the evil serpent men back into another dimension and vanquishing their leader, the cruel wizard, Wrath-Amon. Once again, great voiceover. However, this was during the opening song. Kinda gives a major plot spoiler, but it does also give us his motivation, so I’m torn. Either way, we’ve got yet another show about a beefy man with a sword, who wears nothing but a cape, loincloth, earrings, and a necklace. Accessories are a girls best friend. 


We open with Conan and his grandpa on a campout of manly bonding. Gramps is telling a story of knights. Conan hears the rumble of horse hooves, and wonders if it’s the knights. Gramps tells him it’s a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plain. Conan says one day it won’t be horses, it will be knights, and he’ll lead them into battle. That’s right Christie, keep telling yourself that. Gramps looks to the sky and says it’s crying tears of fire. No, that’s meteorites. They start to crash into their campsite, and the two take off. They reach the edge of a cliff, and Conan says they have to jump. Gramps says he’s too old, and to leave him. Conan throws the old man on his back, tells him to hang on and leaps over the edge. He and gramps manage to make it to the other side. The fiery tears continue to rain down. Inexperienced boy that he is, Conan is running out in the open, while gramps seeks shelter and tries to get him to it. The meteor shower ends, and Conan goes to investigate a nearby crater. There’s a glowing rock inside that turns out to be made of metal; star metal. It’s worth pointing out that something fiery that just fell from the sky, and is made of what I’d assume is hot metal right now, was able to be picked right up without it burning. If Conan’s hands are already that calloused, I’d hate to see what his poor penis looks like after whacking off. This is an era with no lotion or lubrication, after all. 


Elsewhere, in a penis-shaped tower near a pyramid, a snake creature with arms is freaking the eff out about the sky falling and them all being doomed. Wrath-Amon tells Dregs that it’s only a few stars falling. Oh, is that all? Whew. It’s not like it’s not ancient Cimmerian, and they have google and science to tell him everything is ok. Fiery chunks falling out of the sky, not so good for dinosaurs, so let the little snake thing have his chicken little/henny penny moment. The black ring on Wrath-Amon’s hand starts to glow. He says that Set is summoning him, and he must go to the pyramid at once. 


Back in Conan’s village, he brings the last haul of star metal to his father, the blacksmith. Daddy says he and Conan will make weapons and tools like no man has ever seen. Mama says they’ll fetch a fine price at the merchant gathering next year. Conan is concerned about selling all of it. Daddy says that he’ll save some, star fighter. A name that implies he’s gonna fight stars, not fight with power from the stars. Oh well. 

In the pyramid, things are about to get freaky. Wrath-Amon approaches a giant snake statue, says he heeds Sets’ call, and uses the power of the black ring to open the sparkly red portal between worlds. He bids set to enter, that he may hear his commands. There’s a bit of lightning from the portal, and the snake statues eyes open. Set says he’s waited for these stars to fall for thousands and thousands of years, and that his liberation is at hand. Dregs is clinging to Wrath-Amon’s leg as he asks how that’s possible. Set says the stars are made of the same metal as the black ring. Set orders Wrath-Amon to build him seven great pyramids, with a disc of star metal atop each one. Only then can he be permanently freed from the Abyss, and enslave the Earth. Bottom line – Megalomaniacal snake deity wants to be free and rule us all. Everyone following along so far? Good. 


In the forge of blacksmithy goodness, daddy-Conan is putting the final strikes on a sword before cooling it. He says he will make no other swords from the star metal, as none could compare with what he just made. He tells Conan that it’s his sword, but he has to earn it. That’s right, daddy. Don’t just give it to me, make me earn it. Daddy takes him to the top of a mountain, and uses his barbarian strength to lift a stone lid off an altar. Conan is ordered to place the stone inside, and he can have the sword when he’s ready. Conan says he’s man enough now. Daddy tells him to prove it, and forces him to his knees to- Hey, they’re all muscled and in furry loincloths, I’m only human. What so you mean, “they’re animated”? I had no idea. I though I was watching real life this whole time. It’s a joke, people. Pull up your pants, and stay with me. Despite being young, Conan struggles to get it up. The stone lid, that is. Conan collapses against it, and his father laughs at him, stating a few years of working the forge will give him the muscles he needs. Working other things will also build up your arm strength.  


The time of the merchant gathering is upon us! That’s right, a year has already passed. Daddy-Conan is busy selling his wares. He tells his customers that they were made from stars that fell from the sky, that they’ll never dull, and can cut through anything. He’s given four gold coins for a dagger, as a shady character watches the transaction. Daddy asks where Conan is. Mama says he’s gone to see the horses. Actually, he’s strutting through town, looking like a beefcake centerfold. He sees some men struggling with a horse. No, it’s not a donkey show. One of the men draws a small crossbow, and Conan picks him up, calling him a coward. Conan cuts the black horse free and it runs off. The man turns his sights on Conan, saying he’ll pay. He fires his arrow, but manages to only hit a barrel of wine. Daddy-Conan comes running up and says that’s his son. The man say that he stole his horse. Daddy says he set loose a wild creature, and the man has no claim. He then destroys his crossbow. 

Meanwhile, shady character is sniveling before Wrath-Amon, telling him that the blacksmith had said his goods were made of stars. Wrath-Amon asks where to find the blacksmith. The weasel says in the northern mountains, where the Cimmerians life. Wrath-Amon orders his chariot prepared. 


In the soon to be doomed Cimmerian village, Conan and gramps are walking. Gramps says he can see the wanderlust is Conan’s eyes, and knows he’ll be leaving the village soon. He offers Conan a necklace he’d won in a battle against the Stygians, doing his best Liz Taylor he says it’s always brought him luck. In the night sky, a snake head shaped chariot, pulled by two-legged winged dragons descends. Gramps says it’s Wrath-Amon, and that his evil is legend. Wrath-Amon demands to see the blacksmith. Conan says he needs his sword, and gramps tells him to hurry. Wrath-Amon tells daddy to give him every piece of star metal he has. Daddy says he sold it all. He’s called a liar. Wrath-Amon says there must be more and to bring it out or he’ll tear the village apart piece by piece. The black ring glows, and he blasts a nearby hut. 

At the altar in the mountains, Conan struggles again to get the lid off. All that time worrying about his size, and he never bothered to work on his technique. Or, maybe think of a way to use leverage. Oh well. He grunts, and sweats, and power lifts it off. He takes and inch or so out of the sheath, pushes it back in, and heads back to the village. Maybe he did research technique. 

Daddy says that they’ll get nothing from him. Wrath-Amon says that he’ll make an example of him, with the spell of living stone. Gramps and Mama approach, and the smoke-filled sphere is tossed. All three of them are turned to stone. Not walking around, living, stone. Stone-stone. Statue-stone. That spell is a bit of an exaggeration. Unless “living stone” just means they’re alive, and aware of what’s going on, but are too stoned to do anything about it. I know, I’m terrible. 


Conan draws his sword, raising it above his head in full He-Man ripoff, and tells the wizard he’ll see who laughs last. Upon seeing the star metal sword, Wrath-Amon’s minions are ordered to retrieve it. However, upon getting close to it, the minions are revealed to be serpent men. Crom! After slicing through the enemies swords, Conan goes for a helm splitter, but this is the early 90’s and we have to think of the children, so the blade stops before connecting, and a portal opens above the minion before turning him into sparkles, and sending him through it, leaving his armor to fall to the ground like he was raptured. Conan dispatches the second serpent man and says snakes or men, nothing will stop him! Wrath-Amon knows discretion is best, and attempts to flee. Conan grabs the back of the chariot as it takes off. He climbs aboard and takes a swing. Wrath-Amon uses his X-23 claws to stop it, but the proximity to the sword causes him to be revealed as a serpent as well. He tells Conan that those who see the true face of Wrath-Amon must perish, and kicks him from the chariot. Conan shouts that he will find him! Wrath-Amon says he’ll destroy him first! 


Morning finds Conan kneeling before his family. He swears to Crom, guardian spirit of their tribe, that he will not rest until they are restored to flesh and blood. Again, that assumes such a thing can be done. I presume “living stone” means they can be restored to life from stone. Some villain, having a way to undo his evil deeds. Pansy ass, snake man. As Conan leaves the village he sees a heard of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plain. What? The last time I took this test they said the pictures could be whatever I wanted. Conan calls out to the horse he freed at market, and it stops for him. Then, without even asking permission, or knowing the horse’s status, Conan just bare backs him. He offers to call the horse Midnight, and is promptly thrown off. The same thing happens with Mighty Avenger. Thunder meets with a happy neigh, and they take off. A short time later they reach the entrance to the city. Thunder hits the breaks, and throws Conan off. Neigh means neigh. As Conan gets to his feet, a man in a blue cloak appears, telling him what he seeks isn’t there. Conan asks how the man knows his name. The man says he knows a lot of things, like the star metal sword, and about Wrath-Amon. Conan is instructed to go to the tomb of Epimetrius the sage, and the sign of the Phoenix will show him the way. Conan / Jean Grey crossover? Nah!


Next we see Conan riding a saddled and bridled Thunder. I think we’re supposed to infer that he bought them in the city. As they reach the mountains, Conan wonders how he’ll find the tomb. The clouds part, and cast a bird-like shadow on the mountainside. Conan looks for an entrance, but as is customary, he doesn’t find it until he stops looking. Then he tumbles into the tomb, where a torch is already burning. A four-armed rock creature, assumed to be the tomb guardian, decides to battle Conan. Why the guardian isn’t outside the tomb is beyond me. Conan cuts off two of this arms, and then splits him into rumble. He actually quips about being off to a rocky start. Blue cloak appears, and Conan wonders how he got there before him. Blue cloak just walks right through him. Conan calls him a ghost. Blue cloak says he’s the ghost of Epimetrius the sage, and this is his tomb. He tells Conan that it is the time of humans vs serpent men, and Conan is destined to be humanities greatest champion against the serpents of Set. 

Epimetrius says that thousands of years ago Set was ready to take over the world, but all the wizards gathered together and used their powers to banish him into the Abyss. His serpent men still walk among them, waiting for the return of their master. Conan says if Set is trapped, he shouldn’t be able to return. Epimetrius says that the star metal can set him free, so it must never fall into the wrong hands, like Wrath-Amon. Conan says his family was turned to stone, and asks if the spell can be undone. Blue cloak tells him that if he destroys Wrath-Amon’s black ring the spell will be broken. Before Conan can leave, Epimetrius says he’ll need a companion, and starts telling Needle to wake up. There’s a shield on the wall with a Phoenix emblem on in, but nothing live. The sage shouts at Needle to wake up this instant, explaining to Conan that he’s a fledgling Phoenix, only a hundred years old. The shield glows, and Needle emerges. He flies around and looks at Conan. Needle says he does want to go with big, dumb, barbarian. Epimetrius says if he doesn’t do many good deads, he’ll never grow up. Needle doesn’t care, and would rather sleep, so he returns to his shield. The sage tells Conan that he’ll come around, and to offer him a pomegranate. Most importantly, keep Needle a secret. Conan says he doesn’t want him. Blue cloak says he could always use a sturdy shield. In fact, it once belonged to a King of Atlantis. 


Back at the python pyramid, Wrath-Amon is telling Set how the star metal touched the serpent men and they vanished. Set says they were sent to the Abyss, and are trapped with him. He orders Wrath-Amon to get him the star metal, and to bring him Conan. 

Conan reaches another city, and assumes Thunder won’t follow him in there either. He leaves him, saying he’ll return after he’s finished with Wrath-Amon. Inside the city, there’s a pomegranate vendor, and Needle leaves the shield to go get one. Conan tells him he’s supposed to be a secret, and that he hasn’t any money to but him a pomegranate, but he will once he gets a job. Needle reminds him that he owes Needle a pomegranate, as he returns to the shield. A woman approaches Conan saying she heard him say he needs a job, and asks if he can sail. He says sure, despite not having an experience. She offers to take him to the inn to discuss the details, and to eat. At the inn, we see Conan finishing his food, and promptly pass out into it. A man emerges saying he thought the potion would never work. The lady says she gave him enough to put a bull to sleep. He says their master, Wrath-Amon will be pleased. Cut to Conan waking up on a Stygian slave ship, having to row for his life. Credits. 


There ya have it, yet another muscled man with a sword. Not that I’m complaining. No wonder we have so many gays now. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

Pride Post – Monogamy, Poly, and Gays! Oh my! 


By Joshie Jaxon

Greetings, geek fans! As fans of our site know from our Pride Post on Apps, and etiquette, I’ve been back in the dating pool for a few months now. Today we’ll be discussing things that may challenge your current view on love and relationships. For the record, I’m not attacking, judging, or pushing any particular lifestyle. I’ve had time to reflect on myself, as well as observe things I’ve noticed during my looking for love adventures. I’m going to share some of those observations, as well as some personal info on yours truly. To those who ask why I share what I share, I feel it helps our community to know we’re not alone in our thinking or experiences. As always, my goal is to entertain as well as educate. Let the geeks begin! 


As seen in the picture above, there are several options that one is able to select when listing relationship status on certain apps. I’m gonna touch on some, but not all of them. Mostly the ones that I have personal experience or knowledge about. Let’s start with the first, and most obvious, Single.

Single is fairly self-explanatory. You are one person, searching for another. If you’re single, you’ve either never had a relationship, or you’ve been in one and it ended for whatever reason, some of which were included as status options. Widowed, Divorced, or Separated, the fact is the same, you no longer have that special someone in your life. Personally, I don’t see the reason to use those three, short of the fact that it does provide a certain amount of information for the people who may be browsing your profile. You don’t have to explain that you lost the person you held dear. It says that you’ve been through, and may not be over, a tough time. Back to the singles though. Most of us are in committed relationships with our tv shows, games, cats, hands, toys, and for whatever reason, we decide we need actual human companionship. That can either be because we’re horny, and in search of sex, which is fun, but can get old. Don’t get me wrong, sex is a part of life, but it isn’t the reason we couple up with people. Ultimately, we all want a campion that we enjoy and who enjoys us. It isn’t that we no longer love our hand/fleshlight/dildo/vibrator, but we want more. I’ve spent the majority of my out adult life, single, and I can say from experience, we as single people want someone to share our lives with. To no longer feel lonely. We want to have a person that enjoys the same things we do, challenges our point of view, or can teach us new things, allowing each of us to grow as a person in a way we wouldn’t have on our own. 


The rest of the categories can get a little tricky, so I’ll break them down into specifics. We’ll start with the one that everyone usually has the most experience with, Monogamous Relationships. 

Monogamy is something that we learn subconsciously from a young age. We have mommy and daddy, mommy-mommy, daddy-daddy, or what have you, but we know that they are there for each other, and pending affairs or divorce, they’re the only ones we ever see each of them with. Tv, books, movies, all show the same thing, happy couples that have finally found “the one”. It teaches us that we should be looking for the one for us, and our lives may not be complete without them. Generally that lesson is geared more to (heterosexual) women than anyone else, but it’s still there. You find the one, you date, you become exclusive, you get engaged, and eventually married. Through this entire process, you maintain your fidelity, and never stray. After all, that’s what we’re taught. If you slip up and get any on the side, you are judged as scum for not following what society has decreed normal behavior. I’ve had relationships where we each were monogamous the entire time, some where he cheated on me, and I’ll admit, some where I cheated on him. I’m not proud of it, and won’t go into too much detail. I will say that I was in an unsatisfactory, and somewhat abusive relationship that had left me physically and emotionally starved. I had a very platonic hug with a friend and it gave me an erection. Later, with someone else, I was given the chance to cheat, and I did. I had needs that weren’t being met, and had to do what was right for me. Monogamy can work, but it isn’t for everyone, and that’s ok. The rest of these aren’t for everyone either. 


This leads to our next option, Open Relationships. In an Open Relationship, you’ve found a person to be a couple with, but you’re still allowed to sleep with other people on the side. The difference between this and cheating, is that both halves of the couple are aware of the arrangement, and it applies to each of them, not just the man. These relationships tend to confuse the majority of people. It’s hard to comprehend that both members of a couple would be ok with their partner sleeping around. This isn’t a relationship I have personal experience with, but as anyone that has watched the US version of Queer as Folk will tell you, that’s the sort of relationship that Brian and Justin had. Each of them are committed to each other romantically, but can go get laid on their own, or together. Having the occasional threesome can be fun, and allow you to keep your relationship interesting, or try to keep it from dying, but it is distinctly different from the next relationship type I’m gonna cover, Triads. 

As the name suggests, a Triad is a relationship consisting of three people. Unlike an open relationship, a Triad consists of three individuals that are committed to each other exclusively. I’ve never been in a Triad myself, and don’t personally know anyone who currently is. I did once, but their relationship imploded, and one was forced out. For the sake of their privacy, that’s all I’ll disclose about the situation. Their story isn’t mine to tell. What is mine to tell falls under the last category, but isn’t one listed from the picture above, Polyamorous Relationships. 


Polyamory is another of the misunderstood “alternative lifestyles” out there. A Polyamorous Relationship is one where each member of a couple may have their own secondary relationships in addition to their main one, if not more. People often mistake it as an open door where anyone can come and go as they please, or people just want to sleep around. That isn’t how it’s been in my experience, or the experience of the people I know. Yes, relationships can be added or subtracted, but it isn’t w/o the knowledge of the others involved. A Polyamorous Relationship can be more complicated than the others, as it has the potential for more people to be involved, and as such, more people who can get hurt if things aren’t handled properly. Communication is the most important factor in a Poly relationship. Well, any relationship, actually. Allow me to share a personal story from my recent past as an example. 


Once upon a time, your Joshie had been engaged, and had a live-in fiancé. For the privacy of those involved, we’ll call him Joey. After being with Joey for several months, I met his friend, Andy. There was an instant attraction to him, and lust as well. I was compelled to know what it was like to sleep with him. Having known Andy for years, and also having slept with him himself, Joey actually talked to Andy about it, and gave his blessing if it was something Andy wanted to pursue as well. Andy did, and we arranged to get together. I had Andy in my room, while Joey hung out in the living room. Instead of it being torrid and passionate sex, Andy and I ended up talking, while nude. He shared some of his past, feelings, and insecurities. I offered physical and emotional comfort. We did end up getting off, but it was more love-making than just the sex we’d initially both intended. That’s where trouble started. Andy and I started hanging out, and going out on unofficial dates. Despite the fact I still came home every night, Joey got jealous, as this wasn’t what I had asked for, or he’d initially agreed to. I couldn’t help myself, it wasn’t lust, it was love I was feeling. It was that exciting, new, anything can happen love, and Joey wasn’t having it. In hindsight, I see where he was coming from. His jealousy, and possible insecurities, eventually drove Andy from my bed, heart, and life. Those who’ve read Pride Post – Suicidal Tendencies, located here – , this is the relationship I wrote of. I was as devastated as I’d ever been, and didn’t see how I could ever repair the damage I’d suffered. Joey was still there to help me pick up the pieces, which made me feel like an ass to have my fiancé help me grieve over the loss of my lover, especially as he’d triggered it, but it was what it was. The ordeal with Andy had taught me something about myself, in that I was able to love two people in similar, yet different ways. After a few months, we were able to open up a dialogue about our relationship, and what we wanted from it. We determined that as our love had survived that, there was still something missing, and we set out to find ourselves a third, or possibly a second for each of us. Our relationship ended, as while searching for another, we neglected to work on the relationship we were already in. 

Getting back to my original point, there’s no option for Polyamorous on the sites/apps I’ve used. You can say you’re widowed, but not that you’re Poly. The closest they have is “It’s Complicated”, but that sounds more like you fell for your ex’s brother or something. Having been able to admit to myself that maybe I’m not just looking for Mr. Right, but possibly Mr. & Mr. Right, I’ve noticed more people out there waiving their Poly flag high. This flies in direct contrast to the hetero-normative monogamy that I touched on earlier. It almost feels like as Poly people we need to come out yet again, but as Brian Kinney teaches us, unless it’s your dick I’m sucking, then it’s none of your goddam business. At the same time, the only way for any group or people to gain acceptance is through exposure and visibility. As long as everyone is consenting adults, I think relationships fall under the Wiccan Rede of do what you will, but harm none. I don’t do religion, but I live my life doing right by the people I meet, by my morale compass. Whatever category you currently or previously fit in, just know you’re loved, and will find it in your life exactly as you are. We’re out there. You do not need to sacrifice yourself to make others happy. Do what is right for you, and those you love. Everything else is gravy. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing!