Category Archives: Disney Dynasty

Disney Dynasty – Chicken Little (1943)

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By Joshie Jaxon

You may be expecting the movie with aliens, and Zach Braff, but if you caught the year, this is the short version. The one the Golden Girls were able to tell as part of an episode, though they called it Henny Penny. In either event, this is one I remember from when I was little, but watching it as an adult today gave me some unexpected dread with how relevant it still is. I’ll try not to beat y’all over the head with it, but I’m sure many of you will draw the same conclusions. Let the geeks begins!

We open in a farmyard, with classic voiceover narration, and are introduced to our characters. Cocky Locky, the head bird of the place.

Henny Penny, and the rocking chair brigade, who poke their beaks into everyone’s business, rather than sticking to their knitting. Lovely, but it gets better. We see them clucking around a table, as the voiceover tells us they sound just like people.

Next is Turkey Lurky and the smart set, who sit and discuss what’s wrong with the world. Then the jitterbirds, who are strictly there to show chickens dancing, and aside from being part of the future masses, serve no other purpose I can think of.

We then go to Goosey Poosey, Ducky Lucky and all the other gay ducks, all gathered when there’s something to drink. Going with gay being happy, not homo, their group are the drunks of the place.

Finally we meet Chicken Little, playboy and yo-yo champ. I doubt he was hanging out with a young Heff back then. It’s fun how language changes and evolves. He’s stupid, but a good egg. Uh, thanks?

The story continues with the birds all being happy, since there’s a big fence protecting them. But wait! There’s Foxy Loxey, someone very much interested in eating everyone we’ve just met. He doesn’t, because of the fence, the locks, and the farmer’s shotgun. Much like Nick Wilde though, he’s a clever foxy. He’s gonna use psychology to get them all. He pulls out his book, and reads aloud. Quote: “To influence the masses, aim first at the least intelligent”. Let the modern parallels begin.

He looks over each member of the cast to find the one that’s nice and stupid, and settles on our title character. How he knows all of their names is a question we don’t get answered. I’ll just assume it’s from casing the joint. Back to his book, “If you tell ‘em a lie, don’t tell a little one, tell a big one”. He then rips a star of a nearby wooden sign, inhales an entire cigar, and blows the smoke through a hole in the fence, surrounding Chicken Little. Then, atop the fence, he uses foley tricks to simulate thunder, and a watering can for rain, before dropping the wood right on his head. He returns to the smoke hole, and says he’s the voice of doom. The sky is falling, and a piece just hit you in the head. Stay calm. Don’t panic. Run for your life!

Chicken Little then tears through the area, stopping at Henny Penny’s to tell her that the sky is falling, and a piece of it hit him in the head. She freaks, and the two of them carry on, shouting about the sky falling as more locals hear them, look up, and start to worry. Soon, he’s gathered an entire crowd at the piece of wood, and is pointing, showing them the proof. Oh no! They’ll all be killed. Whatever will they do? Cocky Locky works his way through the crowd, asking what’s going on. Chicken Little again says how he was hit in the head by a piece of the sky. Cocky tells him that it’s just a piece of wood, and throws it back over the fence, hitting Foxy with it, and telling everyone to get back to their business.

Foxy isn’t going to be outdone that easily, and goes back to his book for help. “Undermine the faith of the masses in their leaders”. I don’t know what psychology book this is, but I don’t recall anything like this when I took the class in school. We cut to Henny and the lady birds clucking about how Cocky would know what he’s talking about. Outside what I assume is the fence, and not their building, Foxy dawns some drag to get into character, and starts saying in a more feminine voice, but what is he’s wrong? They’d all be killed. The chickens start clucking up a frenzy. Outside the turkey coop? Is that a thing? *shrug Foxy has glasses, and says very formally that Cocky is showing totalitarian tendencies, and is trying to dictate to them. After all, shouldn’t they be able to judge for themselves if the sky is falling or not? Two groups down. Now with slurred speech, he starts whispering to the waterfowl how Cocky has been hitting the mash, and that he’s full of corn. Well, the local drunks start spreading it around the whole farm. He’s a chicken chaser. Um, isn’t that what roosters do? At any rate, the gossip catches up to Cocky himself with a resounding, “he’s not the cock of the walk anymore”. He’s visually upset.

Back at his book we get another quote. “By the use of flattery, insignificant people can be made to look upon themselves as born leaders”. He whispers to Chicken Little that they’ll listen to him now. He can lead them. Chicken Little stands on a rock, declares himself their new leader, and that he’ll save their lives. Cocky says not to listen to the pipsqueak. There’s some back and forth about if the sky is falling or not, concluding with Cocky stating if it were, it would hit him in the head. Cue Foxy with a slingshot and another star. Cocky gets beaned, and that’s all the proof they need. Whatever will we do, Chicken Little? Thanks to no one else not being able to hear Foxy tell him to go to the cave, they all follow like the mindless sheep, er, birds they are.

Foxy sets up signs pointing them towards the cave, as everyone breaks down the fence door and runs. As they all pile in, the narrator tells us that it will turn out alright. Cut to a fat Foxy licking a wishbone, and placing it among all the others. The narrator is shocked, as that’s not how it ends in his book. Foxy tells him not to believe everything he reads, and starts plays with Chicken Little’s yo-yo. That’s nice and dark for a Disney ending. Then again, it was seventy years ago. Either way, it’s dark for a modern audience as well, given what’s been playing out in front of the world lately. At any rate, stay geeky, and keep gabbing!

After writing this, I discovered it was supposed to be a WW2 warning, and that to drive the point home, Foxy was almost reading Mein Kampf instead of psychology. It all makes a lot more sense now. Doesn’t stop the modern parallel though. Sigh. Stay strong, America

Disney Dynasty – The Legend of Sleepy Hollow

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By Joshie Jaxon 

Greetings, geek fans! A new Halloween post is here. I’ve loved this one since I was kids, though admittedly, part of it scared the bejeezus out of me. As a kid it was scary imagery, as an adult it’s putting myself in that situation. More on that as the show progresses. Let the geeks begin! 

Our story begins in colonial New York, a short distance from Manhattan, in a place called, say it with me now, Sleepy Hollow. It’s a quiet, quaint little down, but it’s also foreboding. It is full of twilight tales, and local superstitions. Hey, they didn’t have internet, they needed to entertain themselves. Incidentally, the story is narrated by none of than Bing Crosby. I tell you this so when I say that Bing said, you don’t think I’m using the internet. Besides, he’s got such a pleasant voice. Bing tells us that there’s a tale of a local schoolmaster who once frequented the area. A pedagogue described as a most unusual man, one might mistake for a scarecrow. Tall, lank, small head, flat on top, with a long, snipe nose. As if a weathercock were perched on his spindle neck. We get it, he’s thin. It’s colonial times. Girl needs a sammich. 

One drowsy afternoon, at the old Snooker & Schnapps Shoppe, the rustic Sleepy Hollow Boys were gathered. Their leader, Brom Bones arrives, with a “yahoo”. Bing tells us he’s a burly, roistering blade, always ready to fight or frolic. I just bet he is. He’s a prankster, but there’s no malice to them. He’s loved in the whole county. He then opens a keg, pours a round for the guys, the breaks open the lid so that his horse and the local dogs can drink too. Yes, this is still Disney. It’s the 40’s, be glad that it isn’t historically worse. As the guys finish their drinks, Brom sees Ichabod through the bottom of his glass. He says “odd bodkin! Gadzooks!” It’s so quaint, I love it. 

Time for a musical number. The library is open. “Who’s that coming, down the street? Are they shovels or are they feet? Lean and lanky. Skin and bones. With clothes a scarecrow would hate to own. Yet, he has a certain air. Debonair and devil may care. It’s the new schoolmaster, what’s his name? Ichabod. Ichabod Crane.” During this song, Ichabod is sauntering through town with his nose in a book. He managers to avoid walking under a ladder, and also turns around a black cat that attempts to cross his path. Remember that, people. It’s a character point. As he continues, he opens a gate for a woman with a tray of pies. One appears in his book, and he scarfs it down. Told ya, girl is hungry. The townspeople all agreed they’d never seen anyone like Ichabod Crane. 

The school became Ichabod’s empire. With lordly dignity, he held absolute sway. We see him peeking in kids’ lunch baskets as they’re doing their work. He sees two boys drawing a picture on their slate of him as a bird. Bing tells us that Ichabod believes in the golden maxim, “spare the rod, spoil the child”. As we see him wind up to take a swing, yes really, he notices the heaping lunch the kid has, and decides to discriminate. It’s better to stay on good terms with the kids, especially if their moms could cook. Cut to Ichabod at a student’s house, sniffing the fresh turkey that the mother just finished cooking. Are we sensing a pattern?

Ichabod is in bed writing in his food journal, again, yes, seriously, as Bing sings. Who’s the town’s ladies man? Gets around like nobody can. I dunno if he’s putting out for these moms, or just charming them for food. I’d like to think he’s a man whore. After all, you know what they say about tall, thin, guys; they have big… Appetites. We’re also told that he has creative ways of padding his limited income. *cough hooker! *cough. By means of introducing culture to the town, as their choir director. We hear the ladies sing in harmony as Ichabod “boms” some notes at them. They’re all seduced and practically swooning. Dunno if that’s in the book, or just an excuse for Crosby, either way, it’s fun. As he’s finishing, Brom is outside, and gets a dog to howl on the final note. Ichabod thinks it came from himself, but the ladies are too wet to care. They all hit the ground, captivated. Bing tells us it was only natural that Ichabod be the ridicule of Brom and his gang, but despite that, he maintained an even temperament. Rather than indulging in the ladies, he instead takes advantage of the salad on the table. He doesn’t even toss it. Not a single leaf. 

Then there was the fateful day when SHE came to town. Katrina Van Tassel. Side note, I had a teacher in middle school who claimed to be her descendant, but given how the rest of the story goes, that wouldn’t have been her last name, and therefore wouldn’t have been his. Katrina was the daughter of the richest farmer in the county. Bing describes her as a blooming lass, plump as a partridge. Ripe, melting, and rosy-cheeked. Um, that’s a little much, Bing. Town it down. He sings of her being a coquette, as we see her charm all the local men into unloading her cart, setting up a picnic, then moving it to a better location when she objects to the first. That’s kinda diva, but not in the fierce way. That’s just taking advantage. Bing confirms it by saying she’ll kiss and run, to her, a romance is fun. There’s always another to start. Tease! Ichabod is on a date, but sees Katrina and is dumbstruck. He sits on the cake, puts the chicken on his head, and starts eating his hat. Look, I know the pickins had to be slim, but she can’t be that great, can she? 

Schoolhouse, kids running wild. Book propped up at the head of the class with the beatin’ stick, er, pointer. Ichabod is busy daydreaming. Katrina, would could resist your charm. Who could resist your father’s farm? Gold in those acres, and that ain’t hay. Oh, Katrina my treasure. Treasure. That barn is a gold mine. He’d love to hit the jackpot. Alright, this is definition of gold-digger. He even goes so far as to think that daddy can’t take it with him, and once he dies, Ichabod will step in. Poor little rich girl. Ichabod will protect you. Men are pigs. Only wants her for her looks and her money. I get it, you don’t want to teach forever, but c’mon. Seriously, grow a pair and take care of yourself. 

In town, Katrina is shopping, and handing her purchases to one of the various men that are smitten with her. I’d like to point out that in To Wong Foo, a group of guys were ready to gang bang Miss Chi Chi on day one, yet these ones, despite outnumbering her, are content to carry her stuff. Yes, Disney universe vs our own, I get it. However, given that she knows what she’s doing, and Ichabod’s fantasy proves he doesn’t care about her at all as a person, the whole thing is just stupid. For the record, I don’t condone “rape culture”. I’m not saying she’s asking for it. Are we clear? Good. Ichabod seems to think brains will give him an advantage in the dating pool over the bumpkin locals. What he didn’t count on was Brom clearing them all away. Bing says it piqued and provoked Katrina. Ichabod shows up and picks up all the packages the other men had left when Brom made them leave. Katrina gives some good side-eye to Brom, then smiles at Ichabod. He begins to walk her home, but stops at a small stream in town, and takes off his coat so she can step on it and not ruin her shoes. Side bar, if she’s using him, and he’s more than willing to be used, are they still both bad people, or does that make them a perfect match? Brom ain’t having it either way, and races on his horse through the muddy water, covering Ichabod, and somehow sparing Katrina. She’s on the back of Brom’s horse as he gathers her things. Not wanting her game over, she pulls a handkerchief from her bosom, and tosses it at Ichabod. He’s not giving up! 

In fact, Ichabod is so motivated, that he beats them to Katrina’s house, on foot. Who’d have thought the smell of colonial boob would be that great? Ichabod opens the gate, and offers Katrina his arm. She glances at Brom to make sure he’s seeing this, then leans in close before the walk on. Ichabod closes the gate, forcing Brom to fall over it, and drop all of her purchases. Uh oh, you don’t mess with a girl’s shopping. Ichabod and Katrina laugh, and the former stacks all the parcels back in Brom’s arms before escorting the lady inside. Brom scrambles after them, trips, and drops everything again. Ichabod goes out again to help pick things up. Brom is mad. The lower half of Katrina’s door is closed, so second base is the limit. Kidding. He kisses her hand and waves her off. As he turns to leave, Brom takes a swing at him. Ichabod goes inside, and closes the door. A lady, unescorted during the day? Scandal! He grabs flowers off the table and hands them to her while giving her goo goo eyes. She looks up and sees Brom trying to look inside the window above the door. Katrina places a flower in Ichabod’s lapel, and pulls him close. Brom wants in! Brom smash! Until he hears a kissing noise, and starts to go mad. It’s only Ichabod kissing a flower, but still. Ichabod leaves, and Brom grabs him by his ponytail. He’s all lined up to punch him, when Ichabod waves and we hear Katrina “yoo-hoo” from the window on the upper floor. Brom dusts him off, waiting for the curtains to close. When they do, he takes a blind swing, and punches a hole through a tree. Repeat, punches a hole through a tree! Cartoon or not, this is set in the real world, so damn! 

 

As the Van Tassel annual Halloween frolic drew near, Katrina decides to stoke the fires of the smoldering rivalry, by personally inviting Ichabod. We see him spiffing up in front of his mirror, and “splashing” himself with chalk dust. To this day, I don’t know why. It’s not fragrant and sure wouldn’t have been back then. Anyhow, he rides the horse he borrowed for the party, whistling the whole time. 

At the party, Ichabod feels he has the edge, and prides himself on his dancing. Brom sits to the side, feeling he’s been bested. As Ichabod is being charming and graceful, Brom notices a plump wallflower. She smiles at him, and he winces. Jerk. Big girls need love too. Brom then gets the idea to dump her on the schoolmaster. He offers her to dance; she grabs him and holds on for dear life. Cause after all, as we’ve learned from the past, women are nothing without men, so she isn’t about to give up her only chance at happiness. Yes, he hits me, but you just don’t understand! Sad to say there are still some out there with this mentality. Where was I? Oh yes, the dancing. The plump girl in green is laughing at having fun. Brom manages to get her with Ichabod, but he quickly trades back, and gets away from them. Brom chases after them. He tries to leave his dance partner on a bench, but she won’t go without a fight. He manages to lock her out of the room, and begins trying to get Ichabod to fall into the cellar. Doesn’t work on both counts. She busts in the lower half of the door, and goes right for Brom. I’d like to point out that for her height, there are several moments it looks like she’s giving him head. As LeVar Burton says, you don’t have to take my word for it. 

As the evening passed, Van Tassel asked his guests to tell ghostly tales of Halloween. Ichabod, busy loading up a plate, spilled the salt, and tossed some over his shoulder. Brom knew that Ichabod was a believer in spooks and goblins. This would be his moment. Gather round, and he’ll elucidate, on what goes on outside when it gets late. Round about midnight ghosts and banshees get together for their nightly jamboree. There’s things with horns and saucer eyes. Some with fangs about this size. During this, Ichabod is eating, and looking a tad nervous. Then the guests chime in. Some are fat, and some are thin. Some don’t even wear their skin! The window is blown open, the candles go out, and a girl screams. Ichabod wraps himself up in a curtain, as Brom sings. “When the spooks have a midnight jamboree, they break it up with fiendish glee. Ghosts are bad, but the one that’s cursed is the Headless Horseman, he’s the worst. When he goes a joggin’ across the land, holding his noggin in his hand, demons take one look and groan, and hit the road for parts unknown. Beware, take care, he rides alone! There’s no spook like a spook who’s spurned. They don’t like him, and he’s really burned. He swears to the longest day he’s dead, he’ll show them that he can get a head. They say he’s tired of his flaming top, he’s got a yen to make a swap. So he rides one night each year, to find a head in the hollow here. With a hip-hip, and a clippity-clop, he’s out looking for a head to swap. So don’t stop to figure out a plan, you can’t reason with a headless man.” During the whole tale, Ichabod looks like he’s gonna wet himself, and Katrina is super amused by it. Yeah, it’s just a story, but if you don’t know that, it’s pretty damn terrifying. Think about it, someone wants to cutoff your head and keep it as their own. It’s very Mombi. Brom says if they doubt his tale is so, he met the spook a year ago. He didn’t stop for a second look, but made for the bridge across the brook, cause once you cross that bridge my friends, the ghost is through his power ends. 

Later that night, as Ichabod rides home through the hollow, he’s filled with anxiety and terror, as the details of Brom’s story are in his mind. The clouds cover the moon, and the wind is making spooky noises. He tries to whistle his way through it, but as the crickets, frogs and toads are making noise, he can’t. He swears they’re croaking his name. He runs into what looks like a ghost, but it’s just a tree with two fireflies in it. Then the croaking almost sounds like “uh oh”. A crow/raven nearly collided with his face, cawing “beware”, as we see the cemetery. Ichabod hears galloping, but his horse isn’t moving. He gets off, and tries to push it into going. When that doesn’t work, he ties pulling. He ends up falling backwards next to a log where cattails are beating against it, making the hoof noises. Ichabod laughs nervously as he discovers there was nothing to be afraid of. He even grabs some of them, and laughs maniacally, as he walks back to the horse. The horse gives himself over to laughing along with him. That is, until they hear the evil laughing of someone that isn’t them! They look over, and there’s the Headless Horseman! He pulls out a sword, and a flaming pumpkin from nowhere. Run, girl! 

The Horseman takes a swing, but Ichabod dodges it, and scrambles with the horse to get away. There’s nearly two minutes of the Horseman taking swings at Ichabod as he tries to escape. It doesn’t sound like a lot, but when you’re watching it and invested, you’re right there with him. There’s no streetlights, no cops, not a lot of people in the “new world”. It’s just you, and someone without a head, on a horse, with a sword, trying to kill you. That shit’s scary. Here’s the worst part of it, as a kid I thought, oh it’s just Brom trying to scare him, but he produces the pumpkin from nowhere, and it taking swings not just at Ichabod, but at the horse. Bing established earlier that there’s never been malice in Brom’s pranks before, which leads me to believe that in this particular cartoon universe, the Headless Horseman is real. Further evidence of this, is that when Ichabod finally makes it through the bridge, the Horseman stops. If that’s Brom, he wouldn’t feel the need to honor that part of the legend. Even though he stops at the bridge, and Ichabod makes it to the other side, the Horseman throws the flaming pumpkin at him. Ichabod had been looking back, and was paralyzed with fear, the inference is that the pumpkin hits him in the head. Now, if the Horseman can’t cross the bridge, how would the pumpkin be able to? These are the things I think about. For that matter, the Horseman just wants head. I’m sure Ichabod could have managed to give him some to keep himself alive. Hell, in a life or death situation, I’d offer it up. Gotta go with your strengths.

The next morning, Ichabod’s hat is found, and so are the remains of a pumpkin. No trace of the schoolmaster. Can’t cross the bridge. How would he have gotten rid of Ichabod? Cut to a short time in the future where Brom and Katrina are married. Bing tells us there were rumors of Ichabod still being alive, and married to a widow in another county, but the people of Sleepy Hollow wouldn’t believe it. They knew he was spirited away by the Headless Horseman. *Bing mic drop

There you have it, ladies and gents. Another glorious Halloween tale. I got another today from the stop-motion animation era. I’ve never seen it. I don’t know how good or bad it’ll be, as it’s from 1967, but I’m working on it for you. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

Disney Dynasty – The Cookie Carnival 

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By Joshie Jaxon 

Greetings, geek fans! Today I’ll be sharing one of my all time favorite Silly Symphonies. I adore cartoons like this one. Any time we get to see objects anthropomorphized, and doing comedic things, I’m in. Oddly, I’m not all that enthralled with the Toy Story franchise. That’s neither here nor there. The Cookie Carnival is from 1934, making it 82 years old, and it still holds up nicely. There are a few questionable choices, but given how the country was at the time, I’ll forgive them, but it won’t stop me from pointing them all out. Classic cartoons like this are what I live for, and we’re gonna break this one down like no other. Let the geeks begin! 

We open with a marching band of cookie men. It’s time for Cookie Town’s beauties on parade. To save explaining later, the entire world is made of cookies and treats. We good? Alright. There’s a chorus singing, here they come, freshly baked, covered with spice and candy flake, marching along in this parade, at the cookie carnival. I know it’s supposed to be just a cute song, but if these contestants were freshly baked, either they’re “special” cookies, or they just popped out of the oven. Either way, weird. Who’s making them? Animal crackers pull the first float into view, and we see Miss Peppermint. She’s serving up candy cane couture, and looks great. Isn’t a cookie though. Maybe the next one. Cookie penguins pull in Miss Cocoanut, serving up Eskimo realness, in coconut shavings. She could be a cookie under there. Next entry, in her banana peel car, Miss Banana Cake. Category is – is that hair gel, eleganza. She looks more like a bu-cake-ee, if you ask me. Groan all you want, there’s more perversion to come. Pun intended. Next up is Miss Strawberry Blonde, in her strawberry shortcake layered hoop skirt, and strawberry headpiece on her blonde hair. Get it? Moving on. The float behind her is Miss Peach, but it cuts away before we can see her. Sorry ’bout it. The next entry was the affirmative action entry for the parade. It’s Miss Licorice, pulled by her three black stereotypes. She’s serving up short skirt, head wrapped, not racist for it’s day, realness. Normally, I like to only have one picture a paragraph, so it’s my writing, not the visuals that take center stage, however, you have to see these pageant queens, so I’m going to include them all. You’re welcome. 

  

  

  

  

  

Now, during all of that Sugar Ball extravaganza, the song also let us know that they are going to be crowning a cookie queen. The Eskimo is the only one that might, MIGHT, be an actual cookie. Anyhow, we see a hobo cookie walking down the candy cane train tracks, whistling. He hears a homely looking cookie girl crying, and spiffs up to go introduce himself. You’re a hobo, and she’s a Cinderella style hot mess. Why are you trying to look impressive? He asks her why she’s so sad. She says she wants to be in the parade, but doesn’t have any pretty clothes to wear. She could enter as Miss Test Cookie. You know, the one that probably isn’t good, but lets you perfect things so the rest turn out alright. I’m assuming, that is. We always ate the cookie dough growing up, and it rarely made it to cookie form. 

  

Hobo Higgins decides he’s going to turn Cookie Doolittle into the cookie queen. First he grabs some nearby taffy, plops it on her head, and styles it up real nice. Next, he grabs a cupcake, turns it upside down, and uses the wrapper as the foundation for the dress. A nearby marshmallow is used as a powderpuff. What happens next is the most awesome piece of vintage cartoon innocence that Joshie totally takes out of context and makes into something dirty ever. Hobo Higgins grabs an eclair, and proceeds to squirt the creme filling all over Cookie Doolittle to make her dress. Yes, I’m serious. Yes, I’m giggling. Yes, I’m going to show it. In a second. Next he does the same with some jelly-filled, to give the dress a little color. He adds a purple bow in the back, and sprinkles candy hearts along the dress. Finally, he rubs his thumb on a candy heart, and uses it as blush on her cheeks, before having her kiss it to get the perfect heart-shaped lips. With her makeover complete, he eats the heart, and uses a lollipop to show her how pretty she is. It’s so good that Hobo Higgins came along. Lord knows that in 1934 a woman couldn’t do anything on her own, let alone give herself a makeover with nearby materials. Nope, without him, Cookie Doolittle would have just sat there crying as her eggs dried up. Assuming there were eggs in her recipe. 

  

Back at the parade we see Miss Pineapple Upside Down Cake pass by, as the judges shake their heads, and cross off her name on their boards. Lil Pound Cake must have been shown while we were witnessing the makeover. Another entry we can’t see passes by and they cross her off too. At least make them lip sync for her lives! We see the tail end of Miss Orange Crush’s float, followed by a muffin with a sign saying The End. Hobo Higgins shoves him out of the way, making Cookie Doolittle the final entry. Though, given the fact the judges have clipboards with the contestants on them, tells me she shouldn’t be eligible. They see her, and are all gagging on her eleganza; her cookie is on fire! They declare her the queen, and their judges booth breaks. All three run up to her, shoving Hobo Higgins aside. He’s then trampled by the Cookie Town crowd. The chorus starts singing about hailing the cookie queen. They march her to the layer cake at what I’ll assume is the center of town. They unroll a jelly roll from bottom to top to act as the red carpet. After seating her on the throne, and crowning her, they immediately declare that the queen must have a King. Cause again, 1934 and a woman can’t do Jack unless she’s got a man to help her along, in case there’s some thinking to do. I don’t know if cookie queen is their ruler, or if it’s strictly a pageant thing like at homecoming, but given what comes next, I’m gonna assume that it’s a ruling position, not just a fun title. 

  

The judges say that the candy-dates, yay, puns!, are waiting, and they have no time to lose. They raise the curtain, and tell her to pick any one she chooses. I don’t know why she needs to have a man right this minute. Perhaps if they see an unescorted woman in power too long, it might give the others ideas, and we can’t have that. On with the men! Each candy-date gets a song to plead their case. Don’t worry, I’ll be showing all of them too. First up, the Dandy Candy Kids. They have cookie faces, and candy cane limbs. They sing about how she’s won their heart, and if she’s smart, she’ll pick one of them. Next up, the Old Fashioned Cookies, like mother used to bake. She’s the only girl they love, and suggest she give one of them a break. Um, she was just crowned, and you know nothing of her. How can you love her already? Whatever. Next up, the Angel Food Cake, they want it understood that she should marry one of them, because they are so good. I swear these two are supposed to be gay. They have soft voices, and skirt style outfits. Maybe I’m reading too much into it. Then again, they did curtsy at the end. Next, in direct contrast to the prior act, Devil’s Food Cake. They’re naughty, but they’re nice. They’re nice, and naughty. Yeah, man! We get it, Bro, you’re straight. Next up, the Upside Down Cakes. Although they’re topsy-turvy, they’re head over heels in love. Again, how can they love her? During their act, Hobo Higgins is chased by the guards, and hides under the stage. The final act is the Jolly Rum Cookies. The have the hiccups, and with each one, they end up swapping noses. Cookie Doolittle giggles, and shakes her head no. The judges say they’ve tried their best to find her a King, and wonder what to do. Each one suggests they be the one to marry her. Then one says maybe she should marry all three. It’s like old school Mormonism, but with cookies, and multiple husbands instead of sister wives. It’s cookie lust, I swear. They know what her dress is made of, know she’s into bu-cake-ee, and want to party. Pervs! 

  

  

  

  

  

   

As the judges are busy trying to convince Cookie Doolittle to marry them, Hobo Higgins has been sneaking up under the jelly roll to escape the guards. Which, if they hadn’t been so desperate for a queen, would know that he’s the one who was pulling her in the parade. The guards smack him on the head, as he emerges, turning his hat into a crown. The jelly roll breaks, looking like a royal cloak. You see where this is going. Cookie Doolittle speaks up and tells them not to crown the King that way. They all immediately start cheering for their King, cause they’re raging hypocrites. The citizens of Cookie Town start partying in the streets. There’s a candle shining though colored lollipops. Donuts dunking themselves in coffee. They’re kinky like that. Miss Jello is shaking like it’s nobodies business. Or it’s the palsy. Hobo Higgins and Cookie Doolittle share a smooch. Realize they can be seen, and put up a clear lollipop to shield them. Their next kiss melts it. Dirty cookies. 

   

You’re welcome to watch it for yourselves, so you know I’m not making any of it up. The one question left unanswered, is that if Hobo Higgins has such great makeover skills, why does he wander around like a bum? Be a pageant consultant. The year he lost, was to some Lady Fingers the judges liked. You can’t beat that. Yes, I went there. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

  

Disney Dynasty – Trick or Treat 

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By Joshie Jaxon 

Happy Halloween, geek fans! Before Marvel vs DC, Playstation vs Xbox, and even before Spy vs Spy, there was Warner Bros vs Disney. Unlike the other examples, where I have a clear favorite, I’m at a draw on these two. I’ve loved Disney shorts, and the Looney Tunes for as long as I can remember. I have several Disney Treasures and Looney Tunes Golden collections. I’m a fan for life, and why wouldn’t I be? These cartoons are able to stand the test of time, even though they were made before tv, cell phones, and internet were a thing. It’s good ol’ fashioned quality humor like Walt used to make. Today’s post is Donald’s Halloween adventure. Let the geeks begin! 

We open on a city. We can see a bell tower, backlit by the full moon, naturally. We hear a witch laughing as she flies through the sky. Based on the clock in the tower, we know it’s midnight. The witch scares the bats hiding in the belfry, and rings the bell, cackling the whole time. Then she approaches a black cat, raises her hat, and scares it. This witch knows how to party. She hops along the fence, stopping at a pumpkin. It turns, and is a Jack-o-lantern. This time she’s the one who gets scared. She and her broom hide behind a tree. 

  

She watches as the pumpkin moves on the head of Louie, who is dressed as a ghost. Huey is a red devil, and Dewey is dressed as himself, but with a small witch hat and broom. As we established, it’s midnight. Why are these three still out trick or treating? They ring the bell, and Donald knows it’s them from his living room chair. Why is he still up waiting on trick or treaters? Where is his brother/sister to keep their kids in line? Anyhow, Donald moves his candy bowl, grabs the firecrackers behind it, and heads for the door. He greets his nephews, and they say their standard “trick or treat”. He puts something in each of their bags, and they thank him. For once, they didn’t start this. The firecrackers go off, and destroy their candy bags. It spooks the witch and her broom, Beelzebub, too. Donald laughs as the kids look upset. Personally, I’m a prankster, but you don’t mess with kids, let alone family, on Halloween. To add insult to injury, Donald gives them their trick too, and pulls a bucket of water down on the boys. He tells them so long, and leaves them to walk home. Alone. At midnight. With a witch in town. 

  

Speaking of, she saw the whole thing. She approaches Huey, Dewey, and Louie. They can’t believe they’re seeing a real witch. She’s so excited that they believe in witches, she’s going to help them get candy from their uncle. She goes back to Donald’s and rings the bell. She introduces herself as Hazel, Witch Hazel, that is. Side note, on my Looney Tunes set, they freely admit they ripped of the name Witch Hazel from this cartoon, but since it’s also a plant, no one could prove it. Anyhow, Donald pulls on her nose, douses her with water too, and closes the door while laughing. Good thing they aren’t in Oz, she’d be dead. She tells the boys that Donald’s more stubborn than she thought. Time for the big guns. Cut to boiling caldron. Witch Hazel recites her spell while the boys grab ingredients. Double double toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble. Eye of needle, tongue of shoe, hand of clock that points at two. She tells Huey this is the real thing, right out of Shakespeare. Neck of bottle, tail of coat, and whiskers from a billy goat. Hazel tastes the concoction, and has a suitable toon-style reaction. She tells the boys it’s loaded, and fills a bug sprayer with the brew. They all gather on Beelzebub and fly off to Donald’s. 

  

Donald is snacking out of his pantry. He hears Hazel laughing, and rushes to the window, to see his nephews riding on a broom. Time for a musical number. There’s a voiceover song as Hazel starts animating objects. She starts with a pumpkin, which moans in Donald’s face. Next, she enchants a paintbrush to paint Donald’s house green. It gets him in the process. She turns a post into a ghost. They all come up the walkway, singing the last bit of the song. When ghosts and goblins by the score, ring the bell on your front door, you better not be stingy or your nightmares will come true. They ring the bell and disappear. Hazel flies handle first into Donald and pins him to the pantry door asking if he’s gonna treat or not. He says yes ma’am, and starts filling his arms. Hazel tells the kids that he’s a pushover. Donald takes objection to that, and puts all the goodies back. Then he locks the pantry door. He lives alone. Who is he trying to keep out of there? Daisy, when she visits? Anyhow, he defiantly swallows the key in front of Hazel. Time for an irresistible force to meet an immovable object. 

  

Hazel has been itching to cast a spell on Donald. Beelzebub holds Donald up by his collar, as Hazel sprays his feet with her brew. Hocus pocus, magic shower, put his feet within my power! Donald’s feet turn blue, so we the audience know they’re enchanted. Hazel orders his feet to kick the key out of him. We hear drums playing the beat as the feet make contact with his ass. 

  

Hazel uses her broom as a banjo and starts singing. Dance with your feet just as fast as you can, flipping like a flapjack in a pan. Hopping and lumping like a flea on a griddle. The key for the door is the key to the vittles. Do si do now mind the rules, with your old flat feet just kickin like new. Promenade way out west, that’s where the cactus grown the best. Now swing down south and turn on the heat. End the dance and take your seat. During all of this, Donald has kicked the key out, and re-caught it with his mouth a few times, despite also being poked in the ass by a very happy cactus. He finally sits right by the fire, gets burned, and spits the key across the floor. 

  

Donald gets to it before Hazel does, and throws it under the very door it’s supposed to open. Now he’s made old Hazel mad. She sprays him with more potion, and casts a spell that’s double grim. She orders Donald’s feet to smash the door down, with him. Donald rams head first into the door several times, but it doesn’t break. Things were built to last back then. She sprays him again while saying it hurts her more than it does him. Yeah, didn’t buy that as a kid, and I don’t buy it now. She orders him to get a mile or two of steam on his next run. Donald runs balls out, cause he doesn’t wear pants, get it? Anyhow, this time he hits the door and it smashes. Donald is dazed on the floor, as Beelzebub starts sweeping up treats. The boys shout hooray for Uncle Donald, as they take his food. Hey, Hazel did all the work, he was just a tool. Hazel tells Beelzebub they need to go, it’s nearly dawn. She flies away telling the kids goodbye. They say goodbye to her as well. At nearly dawn. After Halloween night. With a witch as their only supervision. Ah, the fifties.