By Joshie Jaxon
Thundercats are on the move. Thundercats are loose. Feel the magic, hear the roar. Thundercats are loose. Thunder! Thunder! Thunder! Thundercats! Simple, and catchy as hell. Even before rewatching it I could’ve typed it all out. I had the toys, the tank, all of it. Thundercats and Voltron defined my early childhood viewing, and playtime. There was some Rainbow Brite in there to help me be well-rounded, but it was mostly those two. Let the geeks begin!
Red planet of impending doom. The thunder ship orbits a safe distance away. It’s almost time. Should we wake him? Nah, why bother him. Um, his home planet is about to be destroyed. Someone wake your future ruler. Cheetara will do it. It’ll be easier coming from her. She goes to Lion-O’s chamber, and wakes him. Save for a belt and boots, she appears to be nude. Ah, Thundarian fashion. Wait, Lion-O is nude too, except for boots. Isn’t this supposed to be a kids show? Snarf says that Lion-O needs his rest. Lion-O says he’s practically grown. Oops, you weren’t supposed to notice that. Locker room etiquette, people. Unless he draws attention to it, ignore it. Oh wait, he did draw attention to it. Stare away.
On the bridge, Jaga, who has on clothes, by the way, tells Lion-O to come closer, and watch the telescreen. Say, Lion-O, do you like gladiator movies? Creepy old cat. Lion-O watches the planet explode, and asks what that was. Jaga says it was Thundara, and used to be their home. Um, didn’t Lion-O know he was getting on a spaceship? Did he think they were going for a quiet drive to get ice cream? How cruel are the adults here? Your home is gone, but that’s ok, you’re The Lord of the Thundercats. You’ll keep the spirit of the dead planet alive by living up to it’s code in your new home. Justice, truth, honor, and loyalty. Can you do it? He will! Jaga says he’ll have the help of the nobles; Cheetara, Tygra, Panthro, and Wily Kit and Wily Kat. Way to leave Snarf of the list. Snarf! Snarf! Sorry, had to do it at least once.
Jaga takes Lion-O to another room, which houses the Sword of Omens, and the source of their power, the Eye of Thundara. Lion-O touches it, and it grows bigger in his hand. Well, that’s puberty for you. Jaga tells Lion-O that the sword will give him sight beyond sight, and the eye will protect him. Lion-O asks how. Jaga says it will know before he does. That’s a smart jewel if you ask me. Lion-O says he can’t lift it. Jaga says he doesn’t have the strength. He asks Snarf to retrieve the others. Jaga then resumes telling Lion-O it won’t be long before the sword feels natural in his hand. I know it took a while for me.
The other Thundercats enter, and they’re all nude. Two have belts. They all have boots, but not a single stitch of clothing. We need to break this down for a minute. I get it, they aren’t human, they’re cats. However, they’re humanoid cats. Cheetara only has two breasts, not six to eight. They all have normal human mouths and teeth. Save for Tygra and Cheetara’s coloring, you’d never know they had fur. These are essentially naked people. I’d say the bikini cut lines are to imply underwear, rather than full nudity, but three of the five don’t have a line across their torso to support that. The problem is about to be solved, but again I’d like to point out that Jaga has had clothes on the entire time. If there’s no acknowledgement of nudity among them, why does he feel the need to cover up? They aren’t anatomically correct for humans. I’d assume their feline penises are inside them, or covered by thick fur. We can see abs, and peck definition though, so the fur can’t be that thick. Yes, I’m obsessing, but I’ve got the place to myself tonight, and you, dear readers, will have to deal with my random thoughts.
Anyhow, Jaga gives them clothes and weapons to help protect them from the unknown elements of their new home. Cheetara Kit, Kat, and Tygra all get skin tight outfits, while Panthro gets spiked fetish wear. Before they can play with their new toys, they discover they are under attack. Jaga tells Snarf to watch Lion-O while the rest of them go to the bridge. It’s mutants, from the planet Plun-Darr. Jackalman, Monkian, and Slithe manage to take out one of the convoy. Uh oh! The non-primary Thundercats could be killed! They aren’t named though, so we don’t care about them. More of the convoy ships are destroyed, until only the flag ship with the main cast is left. They should expect company. Yep, grappling beams hit the ship, and the mutants start to melt a hole in the hull. I swear the Decepticons already pulled this stunt. Let’s call it a homage and keep going. Being a cheetah, you can guess who arrives first to defend the ship. Tygra then goes invisible for a second, before attacking some monkey men. Now you don’t see me. Now you do. Riveting dialogue. Meanwhile, Panthro tells the jackals if they were as mean as they are ugly, maybe they’d be trouble.
Slithe and Jackalman still haven’t found the eye yet. If only they knew what it looked like. Slithe says he’s seen it. Hold up, back when Jaga was passing out clothes, he said the sword and the eye’s location were only known to him on Thundara. How in the world does Slithe know what it looks like? How I ask you? How! The answer is convenience. Slithe sees it embedded in the Sword of Omens, and knows it on sight. Lion-O has a raging sword in his hand, but he still can’t lift the damn thing. Snarf tries to defend, but is captured in a net. Don’t forget to gag him! Slithe goes after Lion-O, but he won’t give up without a fight. The sword responds to his need, and glows as Lion-O raises it above his head. He has the power! Seeing a kid handle a massive sword like that is too much. Slithe and the others go back to their ship to fap about what they just saw. Geez this show is dirty. Maybe it’s me. Either way, the mutants are gone. Jaga is impressed. Lion-O says the sword did most of the work. Well, he is at that age.
Damage report, Mr. Panthro. The hull has been patched, but the navigation system is shot. They won’t make it to the galaxy they were headed for. The best they can do is the Milky Way. Wily Kat calls it dinky. Panthro says the third planet from the sun has an atmosphere they could handle. Still, it’s light years away. They’d have to finish the trip in suspension. Jaga orders them into the capsules. He’ll get them to the blue planet. Panthro suggests robot pilot, but Jaga says no. It needs to be done manually as long as possible. Insert joke here. Jaga says the suspension capsules slow the aging process, but doesn’t stop it. Even if he slept, he wouldn’t live long enough to survive the journey. They all enter the capsules, except Lion-O. He wants a goodbye hug and cry. Time for a catnap as Jaga pilots the ship. He lasts until Jupiter, and is raptured out of his clothes. With autopilot active, the ship arrives on the blue planet. Breaking to pieces as it scrapes the ground, and falls off a mountain.
Snarf is the first one awake, of course, and goes looking for Lion-O. He locates his capsule, and claws it open. Lion-O is all big and hunky now. One of his shoulder straps broke in his sleep, and his abs are showing too. It’s a wonder I turned out gay, and not a furry too. Woof! Er, meow! Snarf looks to the sky, and sees that the mutants have followed them. We won’t ask how. We’ll just say a wizard did it. The mutants teleport to the surface, and begin searching the wreckage. Lion-O watches as they find the capsules with the others in them. Miss thing ain’t having that. He charges the mutants, despite having no real fight training that we’ve seen so far. It’s ok, his abs will protect him. Oh, and Snarf, carrying the Sword of Omens. Lion-O catches it, and energy discharges from it. Phantom Jaga appears before him, and tells him that he holds the source of the Thundercats power. Sight beyond sight shows Lion-O the others in their capsules. Time to throw down.
Thunder! Thunder! Thundercats, ho! Thundercat emblem in the sky. Tygra and the others open their eyes, as they glow yellow. The capsule lids pop off. Monkian says the Thundercats are loose. Sounds like a music cue. Damn I love being right. Thundercats are on the move. Thundercats are loose, and kicking ass. As Tyrga, Cheetara and the others fight, they notice Lion-O is part of the fray, and that he’s grown. Wily Kat, who didn’t grow, quips about height not being so great. Then he blows a monkey. With powder, you dirty birdies. Slithe has them teleport back to the ship. Lion-O says he’ll protect the eye from the mutants. Tygra comments what a fine figure of a Thundercat he’s turned out to be. Cheetara says he’s handsome. I think they’re gonna fight over him as the series progresses. At least that’s the backstory I’ll have in mind when I watch it. Although there was no Mumm-Ra, it was still a good premier. Hope you enjoyed the trip down memory lane. Until next time!