Tag Archives: retrotoons

Batfink – Pink Pearl of Persia 

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By Joshie Jaxon 

Greeting, geek fans! I’m trying to rally to what passes for normal for me, and figured a vintage cartoon post was just the ticket. It’s a quaint cartoon from 1966. There’s some good fifty year innocence here. And some good old fashioned 60’s racism, but that may be my modern mentality. I’ll allow you to decide for yourselves. Let the geeks begin! 

We open in the Batfink cave. Not the Batcave, that’s DC’s property. Batfink is not Batman. Though he’s a fun parody of Batman, there’s a legal distinction. Just to be clear. His assistant/partner, Karate is carrying a hero sandwich since Batfink is a hero. Batfink says he couldn’t possibly eat it all, so Karate gives it a chop with his hand, and asks if he’d like half. Alright, elephant in the room, Karate is yellow, with buck teeth, squinty eyes, and is wearing a Gi with a black belt. All he needs is a sign that reads “Asian stereotype”. Batfink on the other hand is a grey bat in a yellow suit with red shoes & gloves, as well as black wings. The hotlines goes off, and the chief appears on the bat-shaped tv. The priceless pink pearl of Persia has been pilfered. I do love me some alliteration. Batfink says he’ll be there before the chief can say “Jack Robinson”. The chief says he has a hard enough time saying the priceless pink pearl of Persia.

Batfink and Karate get in the Batillac, which is actually a pink beetle, and head towards the crime scene. See, not at all like Batman. This bat wears bright colors, rides in a pink car, and isn’t broody all the time. I say rides in the car cause Batfink is too important to drive himself. Better have the Asian sidekick do it. I’m sure there’s an Asian driver joke in there somewhere, but let’s press on. The drawbridge is going up, and rather than being a responsible hero and waiting, he needs to get to the crime scene now, cause more stuff may disappear. Well, you tell me. Karate is ordered to try and make the gap, and fails. Before they can crash into the water, Batfink flaps his might metal wings, and carries the car, with Karate inside it, to the other side of the bridge. 

At the museum, the chief shows Batfink the case where the priceless pearl had been, and says there’s positively no clues. Karate says not to be so sure, as Batfink has his supersonic sonar radar. Cause bats use echolocation, get it? Batfink squeaks and two “BEEP” words leave his mouth, explore the case, and the museum looking for clues. Then they return to Batfink, beep the info back to him and disappear. Just go with it. Chief asks if he found anything. Batfink points out the chief’s badge on the floor. Anything else? Yes, he found a really big clue. The chief says he doesn’t know how, as they searched the museum top to bottom. Batfink says he found it in the middle. *Snap! Side note, he’s got such sass on his face it’s perfect. Batfink says he knows who did it. The chief asks if he’ll bring them in. Batfink says no. 

Cut to a tv reporter stating that no reason was given for Batfink’s behavior, and that the police think he’s now on the side of crime. The entire nation is branding him a traitor. Geez, just cause he didn’t give you a clue that you and your staff were too stupid to discover on your own? These are as bad as the Gotham police in Hi Diddle Riddle. But this is totally not Batman. Upon seeing the broadcast, Karate is so upset that he splits the tv in half, cause that’s a reasonable reaction. 

Bad guy hideout. The mobsters see the paper stating that Batfink is a traitor. Since he’s now on their side, he should be cut in on their deal. Um, cause honor among thieves? Batfink didn’t help steal, but sure. Boss then picks up the phone and calls Batfink. *Record scratch Hold up, the mob boss just called Batfink. Picked up the phone, and called him. At home. In the Fink cave. I feel like you’re not getting the significance of this. It’s one thing for the cops to be able to call the hero, but how did the mob get his number? Are there, “for a flapping good time call Batfink at-” signs in the local restrooms? At any rate, they tell him since he’s been good to them, to come to the Surfside Motel, bungalow six. Maybe they met on Grindr once. Batfink says he’ll be there before they can say “Jack Robinson”. The mob boss says he has a hard enough time saying the priceless pink pearl of Persia. I sense a running gag. 

Karate takes Batfink to the hotel, as I’m sure he has before. Batfink tells him to stay in the car, again, as I’m sure he has before. Batfink knocks, they ask who it is, and he tells them. They tell him to come in. Repeat – They tell him to come in. They have a stolen priceless pearl, and they don’t even lock the damn door. That is some sixties bad guy for ya. Batfink enters, and they tell him they were just about to split the pearl. I’m no gemist, but wouldn’t damaging the pearl completely destroy its value, and make it worthless? Just throwing that out there. The little guy says Batfink can have the end cut. He says he’ll take it all, and return it to the museum. They call him a double-crosser, and start shooting their guns. Except the little guy who is using a goddam sling shot. Seriously. Batfink hides behind his wing, and says it’s a shield of steel. Karate hears the gunfire and assumes the fink is in trouble. He chops the door, and it falls on Batfink, causing the pearl to roll back to the bad guys. Karate calls his hand stupid, and says it’s going to be punished by spending the rest of the day in his pocket. Wow. As the mob celebrates having the pearl back, Batfink literally pulls the rug out from under them. To the Batmobile, er, Batillac. 

As Batfink and Karate take off, the mob gets in their convertible and chases them. The little guy who can barely see over the wheel is driving, cause sight gag. Batfink extends a wing, and causes a street lamp to shake. The bowl falls off, and lands on the little guy’s head. Not in a knock him out way, in a mock space helmet kinda way. It causes the to swerve into a billboard, but they rally and head after the Batillac again. Karate says he’ll turn down the ally to ditch them, totally missing the Dead End sign, cause Asian driver. They crash, and Karate apologizes, but at least he still has the pearl. That is, until the mob take it out of his hand. The cronies hold Batfink against a wall by his wings. Arms free. He could punch them at any time. They’re literally in striking distance. Mob boss says he may have wings of steel, but now he’s gonna have a belly full of lead. If I were one of the toadies, I’d be praying the boss was a good shot, otherwise, awkward. Batfink says his wings may be pinned, but he still has use of his supersonic sonar radar. Ugh! Don’t show off your bat powers! Punch the bad guys! Bite their necks! C’mon, man! Sigh, fine. BEEP flies towards the mob boss, and the sound of it disorients him, and makes him cover his ears. Then, and only then does Batfink punch one of the cronies. He then tosses the little guy into his friends. Guess he had a plan all along. 

 

Back at police HQ, Batfink explains how when he said he had a clue, and knew who did it, he was bluffing. It was his way of getting the crooks to come to him. Yeah, cause it’s not like they didn’t already have your number or anything, or that you saw them online for bat play at the motel. Whatevs. The chief says at least they’re done with the pink pearl of Persia. Then the phone rings. Oh no! Someone just stole the sacred Siamese star sapphire of Sicily. I’m not even gonna break down all the things wrong with that one. That cartoon ends, and we’re left on that “cliffhanger” of a joke. Tune in tomorrow, same Fink time, same Fink channel. Totally different! Don’t sue me. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing. 

Gargoyles – Awakening, Part 1

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By Joshie Jaxon 

Greetings, geek fans! Time for one of my favorite cartoons of all time. Even for Disney, they had a wonderfully dark, and detailed plot, which may explain why it didn’t last long. Anything too interesting or clever tends to get canceled, which is upsetting to those of us who grow attached to such creative works. Oh well, we accept the limitations the masses have placed on us, and continue to try to find ways around it. Until such a time as that happens, thank the creator for DVD collections. Let the geeks begin! 

For staters, they just have the episode title show up. No credits. No Goliath, spoilery voiceover. They just throw us right into the action. I appreciate that in a show. I like having to figure a little of it out without it just being spoon fed to me. More kids’ shows need to do that. Force us, er, them to use their brains so they don’t go to mush. We open in what at the time was modern New York, but it’s 1994, so for us it’s old New York. Once, New Amsterdam. Why they changed it, I can’t say. People just liked it better that way. Yes, random ear worm. Sorry ’bout it. At the top of a cloud covered skyscraper, we can see the flash of explosions. From the street view, we see chunks of concrete and girders falling. Now, if jet fuel can’t melt steel beams, how strong of a blast must be going on up there to send girders crumbling? People flee the wreckage, as the cops arrive, and try to keep the gawkers away. Detective Maza arrives, and asks what’s going on. Cop thinks it must be one heck of a party. Elisa nearly gets flattened, and orders others away so they don’t become street pizza. Another chunk of concrete falls, and this one has four claw marks on it. More concrete, this time taking out a hydrant, and causing it to gush everywhere. As it covers the stone, Elisa asks what could be strong enough to claw solid stone. GARGOYLES appears on the screen. Are you excited? I am. 

   

Flashback to Scotland 994 AD. Yep, no Tardis, but we’re a thousand years in the past. It’s nearly sunset, and Castle Wyvern is under siege by Vikings. Catapults take out chunks of the wall, and in an act of self preservation, the guards try to flee. The captain tells them they can hold the intruders off. The guards say they can catch boulders with their teeth while they’re at it. The captain draws his sword, while brandishing his mace, and says it’s the catapults or him. The guards get back in formation. Captain says at sundown, they’ll have some fun. Down on the battlefield, one of the Vikings says it’s crazy to attack a castle with gargoyles this close to sunset. Their leader says questioning his sanity within earshot is crazy. He says gargoyles are nothing but stone, and even if not, the bounty in the castle is worth it. They throw grappling hooks up the walls, and somehow the leader manages to get his to the very top of the high tower. I know it’s a cartoon and all, but I call bull shit. It’s not a short tower, and he’s not a super strong Viking. As the leader reaches the top, the sun sets, and the gargoyle he’s next to begins to crack. It sheds it’s stone skin, and picks up the Viking leader by his wrist and tells him that he’s trespassing. All over the castle, other gargoyles are waking as well. Not wanting to miss out on whatever treasure he thinks is there, the Viking captain swings his sword at Goliath, who catches it. Blood starts to trickle down his hand. Yes, red blood from a sword injury. In a Disney cartoon. Reality! Love it! Viking captain tells his men to keep fighting, and that the gargoyles aren’t invincible. As his men begin fighting, he pulls Goliath off his perch. The captain gets away on a rope, as Goliath glides off. 

  

Other gargoyles are taking on Vikings, as three look on from the top of a tower. They are red, yellow, and green, and until they are named in-show, I’ll call them the stoplight trio. Red asks the others if they’re going to let their brothers and sisters have all the fun. Yellow accuses green of being scared, and green says nature trembles at his passing. Yellow pokes him in the gut and says he can see why. Elsewhere in the castle, old gargoyle is fighting, and Goliath stops an attack from behind, telling the old man to watch his back. The old one says he should watch his own. As the gargoyles fight, the guard captain uses his mace to break a sword. He thanks Goliath for his help, and suspects the invaders followed the refuges that they took in the other night. The big green gargoyle lands, grabs a mutton leg, and starts eating. As humans fight in front of him, he smacks one on the head with a bone, the resumes eating. A young boy watches as various other gargoyles fly through the sky. The Viking captain runs into the gargoyles “dog”, and tries to flee. He runs into Demona, who tells the human to face her if he dares. She then bares he fangs, as her eyes glow red. Diva! Fierce! Caught between a dog and a hard place, before he can escape, Goliath lands and tells him that he’s grown weary of this, and tells him to take what’s left of his men, and escape. He then proceeds to throw him into a hay cart. Viking captain says it isn’t over and that he’ll be back, as he and his men flee the castle. The castle guards celebrate, like they did all the heavy lifting. Their captain tells Goliath that he owes them their lives. Goliath says that they owe the humans theirs every day. 

  
 

Banquet hall of undeserved human celebration. Princess, Magus, and several people and dogs are enjoying their evening. One soldier says to another that he was worried they were under the sword. The other says the captain of the guard is a fine soldier. The other says it’s more like captain of the gargoyles, as the guard captain walks behind them and hears it. The princess thanks the captain, but he says the credit isn’t his to take. Without Goliath and the gargoyles, their defenses would have been useless. Being a princess, she says not to mention the monster’s name in her presence. On cue, Goliath and Demona appear in the doorway. Magus is so upset his drops his goblet. The guard captain says he asked Goliath to appear, and be recognized for his bravery. Princess is most offended. Beasts in the dining hall?! Um, bitch, you have a minimum of two dogs in there, neither of which did anything to protect your sorry ass, you ungrateful snob. Magus of the brown nose agrees with her, saying they are unnatural creatures, and no good can come from associating with them. Ah, racism. It’s not just a modern invention. Goliath approaches the princess, spreads his wings, and bows in respect. The guard captain says they did right naming him Goliath, after the soldier that fought David. Princess running mouth says the biblical Goliath was also a bully and a savage. Demona hisses at her. Goliath excuses them, and leaves. Princess ball buster tells the captain in the future he can make his reports to the Magus, not her. Magus looks so satisfied you know he just pre-came a little in his pants. The captain catches up with the gargoyles, and apologizes. Goliath says it isn’t needed. Demona on the other hand asks where his pride is, since they’re the ones who saved the castle, and are getting treated with contempt. She says the cliffs were their home long before the humans built their stone fortress, and they should be bowing to them. Which begs the question, since castles aren’t built in a day, clearly the gargoyles worked out some kind of alliance, right? Therefore, Princess Thistletwat shouldn’t be so uptight about them saving her ass. Anyhow, in an Xavier moment, Goliath says it’s human nature to fear what they don’t understand. Demona says his patience astounds her. 

   

Elsewhere in the castle, presumably later, Magus is going through his book of spells. Cut to what I presume is after sunrise, though the sky looks more like sunset. Someone in a white cloak leaves the castle, as the gargoyles sleep. At the Viking camp, the person asks the leader if he still wants the fall of Castle Wyvern. Perhaps a bargain could be made. Viking captain is listening, and throwing away perfectly good food.

After sunset. Guard captain tells Goliath that the Vikings may return at daybreak, and that he should take all of the gargoyles, and make sure they’re really gone. Demona agrees that they should go out in force. Goliath says it’s too dangerous, and he doesn’t want to leave the castle unprotected. He’ll go alone. Demona says that’s too dangerous for him, and to at least take her. He says no, and orders her and the others to guard the castle. She and Goliath are one, now and forever. Awwww. As Goliath walks off to get backup, Demona looks disappointed. The guard captain looks upset. Wonder what’s going on. 

In the castle, the stoplight trio is playing keep away with a roast, as their gargoyle dog tries to catch it. Demona watches from a tower. The young boy from earlier introduces himself as Tom, and asks their names. Yellow says aside from Goliath, they don’t have names. Tom asks how they tell each other apart. Yellow says they look different. Tom asks what they call each other. Red says, friend. Tom’s mom tells him to stay away from them. Red says he wouldn’t hurt the lad. Mom throws a stick at him, and Demona steps in. Yes. She’s not supposed to have a name yet, but “lady gargoyle” isn’t befitting her fabulousness. Plus, it’s my article, and I say she’s earned her name. We good? Red says they want monsters, they’ll get them, and wiggles his fingers at the humans with his eyes glowing. Yellow and gargo-dog does it too. The humans run away, and of course, that’s when dad shows up. Goliath orders them to the rookery, and to take the dog with them. Red says they didn’t mean any harm. Demona says it wasn’t their fault, it was the humans. Goliath doesn’t care. He won’t have his people fighting with the humans. 

   

Goliath and old gargoyle fly out to try and find the Vikings. Old one looks at the tracks, and says they’re light for horses that are supposed to be carrying armored men. Goliath says they’re close, and they run into the woods. 

In the rookery, red says it’s embarrassing. Green says he hadn’t been there since he hatched. Then he sniffs some slime on the wall and eats it. Yellow hopes they aren’t down there long, or green might eat them. In the weaponry, someone is examining the strings on the bows. 

Back in the woods, the old one says it’s close to sunrise, and suggests they return. I’m guessing they’re like vampires, and can sense the passing of night, or arrival of the sun. Goliath finds the Vikings and horses. As they charge, I notice a lot of bare back horses, and very few men. Where’s Akbarr? It’s a trap! Well, more like a diversion. They reach the edge of the woods right as the sunrises, and are turned to stone. I’m curious what evolutionary advantage that gives them as a species. Don’t get me wrong, love the cartoon, and the characters, but seriously, what’s the point of a living being turning to stone? There aren’t any real advantages to it, as opposed to say, becoming stone at will. Just food for thought. 

  

At Castle Wyvern, the Vikings attack again. This time, as the guards try to defend, their bows break. Someone opens the gate to let the Vikings in. The princess goes running down the stairs, calling for the captain, shouting that they’re under attack. He grabs her wrist and says it’s worse than that. Dick.

Fade to near sunset, as the castle burns, and the people are being taken away. Viking leader tells the captain he’s grateful, but asks why he betrayed his own kind. The captain says they aren’t his kind. Viking leader doesn’t care. He has work to do. He readies his mace to smash a gargoyle. Captain tells him it isn’t necessary. Viking says they’ll be flesh soon, and his men will he their prey. Captain says they aren’t like that, it isn’t their nature. Viking leader shoves him against a wall, and asks if he wants to discuss it further. Obvious answer, no. Captain watches as the Viking leader smashes one of the gargoyles. Even though they’re stone, and we’ve seen Goliath bleed, it’s still done off camera. Though again, here’s a prime example of bad evolutionary planning. I know this moment is a horrific plot device, but damn. After sunset, Goliath shows up and sees the damage. He screams into the night as the words, to be continued… Appear on the screen. Yep, they end the first episode with gargoyle genocide. 

Still love the cartoon, and I know later episodes more than make up for what we just witnessed, but that moment is still a rough one to watch. You’re there, asleep, defended the castle when you you awake, but are smashed to bits never to rise again. I wonder what happens to their soul/spirit/essence when they’re stone. Are they sleeping? Are they “dead” and inanimate until the sun is gone? I’d assume they felt no pain, but I wonder if they were aware they were dying. In humans, we generally do. Yes, I’m over thinking a cartoon. I do it all the time. You will too. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

  

Garfield’s Thanksgiving

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 By Joshie Jaxon 

  

Thanksgiving is an often overlooked holiday. As soon as Halloween is over, people are in X-Mas mode. Sometimes even before that. I find this unacceptable. As my anniversary of arriving on this planet, er, birthday, tends to fall on thanksgiving every few years, I like to make sure it is acknowledged. Thanksgiving, not my birthday. That always gets celebrated. In fact, we here at Gay Geek Gab have been working on Joshmas to properly celebrate my presence in the world. It’ll never catch on like X-Mas, but one can dream. Anyhow, there are few thanksgiving specials I would give my time to, but Garfield’s Thanksgiving is one of them. The nostalgia factor alone makes me come back to it every year. Now, without either ado, let the geeks begin! 

We open at casa Arbuckle on the day before Thanksgiving. Jon is trying to sleep, as Garfield walks in. He steps across the bed and moves Jon’s arm so he can look him in the face. Knowing what a busy calendar Jon has, Garfield will graciously allow him to return to sleep, after breakfast has been prepared. Jon rolls over, knocking Garfield off the bed. Now, it’s on. Garfield sets off a boom box on high volume, causing Jon to jump. Garfield returns with Odie, who has cymbals. Garfield tells Jon to do his duty and make pancakes, and coffee. Again I’d like to point out, we as the audience can hear Garfield, but in-universe, he doesn’t speak out loud. His mouth never opens for words or meows, though Odie barks. I just want to be clear on that. His owner can’t hear his words, but is expected to comply with them. We all on the same page here? Good. Odie drives the point home with a cymbal crash, as Jon wonders aloud if people with goldfish have these problems. He’s kinda stupid, isn’t he? 

  

We cut to Garfield finishing breakfast. Jon comes in and starts cleaning the dishes, asking Garfield if the meal was to his satisfaction. Talk about pussy whipped. Garfield says a little less pan and a little more cake next time. He tells his stomach that it’s time for their early mid-morning nap. Odie walks by, and Garfield changes his mind. It’s time to abuse the dog. Odie stands at the edge of the table, as Garfield sneaks up on him. He pauses to break the fourth wall and tell us not to try this at home. Michael Vic must’ve missed this special. Before actually kicking Odie, Garfield sees a note on the calendar that says he has a vet appointment. Garfield hates the vet. It’s inhumane. She thinks she knows what’s good for him. Good for her. But that’s bad for him. Because what’s bad is good for him. But if he goes to the vet and that’s bad, she’ll prescribe what’s good for him, and that’s not good. In an effort to get rid of the calendar, he shoves the date into Odie’s mouth, revealing the next day is Thanksgiving. That’s the day we celebrate food, by eating as much of it as we can. It’s the day people try to eat every turkey, pumpkin and cranberry on the face of the Earth. Excited, he takes the calendar in to Jon, who says they should go shopping. Yeah, get your Thanksgiving meal the day before. Again, kind of stupid, isn’t he? 

  

Garfield and Jon shop over the opening credits. During the drive home, Garfield keeps shoving things in Jon’s face, causing him to swerve. He warns Jon not to bruise his cumquats. There’s a joke in there somewhere. Garfield realizes they aren’t taking the normal way home. Jon says they’re going to the vet. Garfield screams. I presume from the fact that a car full of groceries will be going bad, because Jon is a moron. In the waiting room, Garfield is shaking, and hugging Jon’s head for dear life. Jon tells him to relax. Garfield quips if he wants him to relax, take him to Hawaii. He’s just there for a checkup. Checkout is more like it. Garfield says Jon should just marry the vet, then she’ll make house calls. They get called into the office, and Jon greets Liz. She immediately corrects him that it’s “Dr. Wilson”. He tries again, and she says that he can call her doctor. He then calls her Dr. Liz. Jon asks her about the weather. She says that’s a personal question. He asks her on a date. Liz says she’d rather die. She’s such a bitch, I just love her. Jon keeps pestering her, and with her attention on rejecting him, she doesn’t see the blood pressure cuff causing Garfield to swell. He breaks the fourth wall again to tell us Jon is a dip. We know, kitty. Jon says he’ll hold his breath until she agrees to go out with him. Yeah, Ramone, that’ll happen. Liz says the good news is that Garfield is as healthy as a horse. The bad news is he’s as big as one. As she’s talking about his diet, Garfield is countering her points. Fiber is for sweaters! Water is for birdbaths! Without food there’s no life as we know it! Jon passes out cause he’s too stupid to breathe to stay alive. Liz agrees to go out with him. Yes, really. She can’t stand to see a dumb animal suffer. Jon says he’ll make a big thanksgiving dinner. She sees the silver lining of not being seen in public together. Jon is so excited about his first boy-girl date that he leaves without Garfield, and Liz has to remind him about his cat. Pet owner of the year ova here. 

  

Back at home, Jon sits down for lunch. He hands Garfield his bowl with a single lettuce leaf in it. That’s it? Nope. Jon takes it, and rips it in half. Poor kitty. Garfield sneaks into the kitchen for a snack, but before he can open the fridge, a whistle blows. Jon introduces his new diet monitor, Odie the fierce. Any time Garfield goes off his diet, Odie will blow the whistle and let him know. Garfield threatens Odie, but the whistle is blown. I’m guessing Garfield is wishing he hadn’t kicked Odie off the table so many times. Garfield wanders into the bathroom, and approaches the electronic scale. The talking scale says it can give weight, a fortune, or anything else you want to know. Garfield says to tell him his name. Judging by weight, she assumes he’s Orson Wells. The scale asked for an autograph, and says it’s seen all of his movies. Garfield asks how it’d like to have it’s battery removed. It says it wouldn’t like that. Wait, the scale can understand the thought-speak of the anthropomorphic cat? Sure, why not? Scale says it’s seen Citizen Kane eight times. Garfield has has enough, and jumps on the scale until it breaks. As the scale flatlines, it says “Rosebud”. Nice touch.

  

The next morning Jon is stirring his coffee as he asks Garfield if he slept well. Garfield shows fangs and claws. Well, aren’t we nasty today? Oh well. Nothing is going to ruin Jon’s good mood. He’s got a date with a dreamboat. Ooh, she’ll be there in three hours. Better get the turkey out of the freezer. Yes, he said that. I’d say it’s well established that Jon is a grade-A moron. Jon reads from a cookbook, remove turkey from freezer 24 hours before cooking. Minor technicality, really. You can’t believe everything you read. The only step Jon gets right is to have the bird breast up. When he reads to rub skin with butter, he applies it to his own, not the turkey. Cover with foil and roast at 350 for 5 1/2 hours. He doesn’t have that long. Straight guy shortcut, just set the oven for 500 degrees. Good plan. Now, the veggies. He gets out a pot and adds corn, broccoli, brussel sprouts, turnips, and squash. He adds water and calls it done. If Liz eats anything, she’s getting food poisoning. Jon says the way he heard his mom and grandma talk, he always thought preparing thanksgiving dinner was tough. Only if you deal with the little details like, I dunno, following the directions. Discouraged by his diet, Garfield decides if he can’t enjoy thanksgiving, no one will. He then promptly pours garlic powder all over Jon’s veggies. Trying to ruin Jon’s dinner seems redundant, but kitty vengeance knows no logic. 

  

Deciding he needs to clean himself up, Jon starts by shaving. As he does, he tells Garfield that if you want something in life, you have to take it. He’s a man, right? Garfield says he’s a wimpy man, but yeah, he’s a man. Liz is a woman, right? No, she’s a veterinarian, and a cruel one at that. Jon says Liz is the one, and he’s gonna get her. He’s in charge of his own destiny. Garfield asks if he’s ever considered putting someone else in charge of his destiny. Next, Jon asks for Garfield’s honest opinion as he decides what to wear to dinner. We get a Jon fashion montage. Formal look, with tux. Semi-formal, plaid pants. Informal, jeans and a tee. High roller, with cowboy hat. Sports look, basketball outfit. Disco Jon. Hippie. Lumberjack. Popeye. Ballerina. Gorilla. Garfield sticks his tongue out to all of them. At least that time his communications were understood. Garfield suggests he try dressing as himself. Jon has the same idea. Suit coat, collared shirt, and tie. The only thing missing is pants. Doorbell. Jon is excited, she actually came! He says it’s nice to see her. Liz says he has nice boxers. Jon slams the door in her face, then yells at Garfield for not warning him. Sure, blame the cat. Jon tells him to be nice. First Garfield has to be a fashion consultant, now he has to be an actor. 

  

Jon reopens the door. Liz is still there. Either she has no other possible plans, or she saw through the boxers and knows Jon is packing. Otherwise, you explain why she stays for the rest of what’s about to happen. Liz says something smells. He says that’s just dinner. She was afraid of that. Garfield asks her if she’s fond of indigestion. Jon escorts her to the couch, then goes to the kitchen to check dinner. Odie plops down for pets, while Garfield sits close by. Liz asks about the diet, that he’s been on for a whole day at best, and says she’ll check for deficiency, so he doesn’t get anemic. He says not to forget beri-beri, rickets, and scurvy too. Liz starts listing off symptoms that people who diet can experience. Garfield starts acting each of them out. Unlike his owner, he’s not stupid. Liz says maybe the diet has been too hard on him. She’d rather he was fat and happy, so she offers mild exercise as a solution. Garfield is so excited he kisses her. He can eat. Oh Joy! Oh Rapture! Oh No! Garfield goes into the kitchen to see Jon repeatedly dropping the frozen turkey on the counter. Dinner is ruined. Liz will never speak to him again. Garfield has an idea, and runs off camera. He brings in a phone. Jon says he can’t feed that to Liz. Nitwit! Garfield brings in a record, that’s apparently grandma’s favorite. Should he play it for Liz? Next up, a pillow that grandma knitted. It still doesn’t solve the problem. Have you seen the solution yet, kids? If so, you’re smarter than Jon. Jon isn’t cold, and doesn’t know why Garfield gave him the sweater grandma made last X-Mas. Last chance! Garfield brings in a picture of grandma. Um, knowing his owner is an idiot, he should’ve started with that. Then again, he is still a cat. Garfield breaks the fourth wall again to tell us if Jon had a brain he’d be dangerous. Jon thanks her, and hangs up with grandma. 

  

We hear a motorcycle, and grandma comes through the door. She orders Jon to go entertain his lady friend, and to leave the kitchen to her. Jon goes out and tells Liz that dinner is simmering, or whatever food does. She offers to help. Jon says no, then goes into some lame story about how he likes to reminisce about what Thanksgiving is. She can’t believe he’s serious, but still doesn’t leave. I’m telling ya, tall, lanky Jon is hung. In the kitchen, grandma asks how Garfield is. Better, now that she’s there. She says Garfield is looking thin. Doesn’t Jon feed him. He loves her, and tells her to never leave them. Grandma finds the turkey, and says she likes a challenge, and this looks like one. She pulls out a chainsaw and tells Garfield that it’s war. In the living room, Jon starts in on the first Thanksgiving. Liz is nearly bored to sleep, until they hear the chainsaw. Jon tells her it’s the dishwasher, and continues shouting his boring nonsense at her. Back in the kitchen, grandma is working miracles. Cutting turkey, whipping up sauce, and preparing the turkey slices to be fried. Go grandma, go! Meanwhile, Jon is going on about Canadian thanksgiving and how it’s in October. Grandma asks Garfield about sweet potatoes. Garfield sticks out his tongue. She says he’s never had hers. Cup of butter, cup of brown sugar, and marshmallows. He’s beginning to like them already. Now, the piece de resistance, pumpkin pie. Garfield is in heaven. Grandma juggles all the goodies into bowls, and laps the table, setting it all up as she goes. Damn she’s good. 

  

Grandma slips away, and tells Garfield to warn Liz that Jon’s a keeper, and if she blows it, she’ll answer to her. Fourth wall break, they just don’t make ’em like that anymore. Liz and Odie are asleep, but Jon is droning on. Garfield signals that dinner is ready. Liz and Jon enter the dining room, and she is impressed. So is Jon. We see the four of them sitting around the table. Garfield goes for a roll, and has his paw swatted. Jon places one on his plate. Liz holds an ear of corn, but Odie sniffs at it and she gives it to him. Garfield steals Jon’s plate. Dinner shenanigans. Towards the end, Odie takes Liz’s hand, she takes Jon’s, he takes Garfield’s. Aww, touching family moment. Liz leaves, and says she had a good time. He offers her the same time next year. She says she’ll come before the meal, but after the history lesson. He gets a kiss on the cheek. It’s still an 80’s kids cartoon, we can’t imply they got it on. Jon goes to Garfield and Odie, and says it was a great day. One thing they’re all thankful for, Grandma. Jon says they should go for a walk to burn off the food. Odie can’t move. Jon says he’ll have to go on a diet. Cue Garfield with a whistle. Drop and give me ten! Credits

  

Whatever you celebrate this time of year, remember to be thankful for the people that you have in your life. From all of us at Gay Geek Gab, we appreciate your continued support, and wish you nothing but the best. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing!