Monthly Archives: April 2015

Character Crush – Jo Polniaczek

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–by Bevianna Bones

You take the good, you take the bad, you take it all and there we have my very first crush. Jo. Tomboy extraordinaire. Of course at the time, I really just wanted to be like her and have her be my “sister” (since I was too young to understand the concept of “roommates”)

The quintessential badgirl of Eastland School for Young Women, Jo dealt out knuckle sandwiches and showed me early on in life it was ok to be a girl and be tough. Look at that loose tie on that school uniform. Umpfh! And her on that motorcycle, forget it! No one could rock a denim jacket and aviators like her. Bestill my little beating heart.

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And Blair’s. The tension between Jo and Blair has been brought up in pop culture galore, and why not what with all that subtext! You could cut it with a knife…or scissors?

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Too bad Lisa Whelchel is a big ole Jesus lovin’ rightwing Christian fanatic. The Facts of Life Reunion could’ve been so much more. Perhaps this is why a very young George Clooney joined the cast later on as Jo’s beau; they never did really have any chemistry, but the weekly Battle of Mullet was epic even for the 80s. Business Ulfront, party in the rear!!

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That face is how I hope her reaction was when the network told her they cast a man to dispel the rumors that would surround the goings on at a prestigious school for young women.

She really did rock those mullets though. By the gods it’s a thing of beauty! She really set the bar high…oh, if it only had a rat tail, it would’ve disrupted the very fabric of time. Nothing, nothing could have been that eighties. Even during the eighties. But this is as close to perfection as it could come. Oh I just want to run my hands through it in all its feathery glory!

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Again, with that face. That’s the one she made when she figured out Clooney was a man. The hair had thrown her for a loop.

That first crush has carried on all throughout my adult life, I still watch reruns when I come across them, just to see the fellagirilie that stole my heart so long ago. Ahh sigh. Young love.

-BB

Raving Rabbids 2

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-by Joshie Jaxon

I had a whole post ready for Raving Rabbids 2, but- Bwaaaah!!

I was going to comment on some of the hilarious and inappropriate- Bwaaaaah!

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As you can see, I can barely- Bwaaaah!

I give up! I’ll do my proper post later. For now, Happy Easter!

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-JJ

Easter Fever

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–by Joshie Jaxon
This little known gem from 1980 tells the tale of Jack the Easter Rabbit, and his upcoming retirement. The Friars Club is having a roast in his honor. Presenters include Steed Martin, Haro, Scrawny Chicken, Ratso the Rat, Santa, and Don Rattles. Yay! Animal name puns!

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Our opening number has Jack sitting in a giant Easter egg, being pulled by bunnies in bunny suits. There’s a reason for it. As Jack sings about how Easter has been good to him, the big bunny suits come off, to reveal sexy bunnies, that help him finish the number. A dirty old turtle tries to grab one, and his wife hits him.

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In the kitchen, we see an unnamed aardvark, that I’m going to call Artie, so I don’t have to keep typing aardvark. He can’t believe Jack is really there. The waiters are penguins, naturally, and one tells him that Jack is retiring. The chef, who I’ll name Billy, cause he’s a bull, tells Artie to get back to work.

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On the dais, Santa is up first. Santa is serving 70’s pimp realness, complete with gold chain, and open shirt or is it a jumpsuit? You decide. I’ll leave out the ho ho ho joke. Oops, it made it in after all. C’est la vie. My posts aren’t just entertaining, they’re classy too.

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We hear the story of how Jack was orphaned and was taken in by a pair of chickens. In an effort to please his adoptive parents, we see Jack attempt to crow, and it goes as well as you’d think. Christmas comes, and Jack’s parents leave a colored egg in his stocking. It falls out, and he has to go searching for it the next morning. Foreshadowing anyone?

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His friends ask what he got, and Jack says an egg. Ratso says that’s what he gets for living with chickens, calls him a “cluck cluck”. They tell him he needs to write Santa for what he wants. Jack sends Santa a thank you letter, calling him grade A all the way. Yay egg humor! Time passes, and spring arrives. As school gets out for Easter break, Ratso and the others say they hate Easter. Christmas is for kids, Easter is for grown ups.

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Deciding to give his classmates a reason to like Easter, Jack dresses like Santa, and sets off to deliver Easter presents. Side note, Jacks pretending to be Santa must be a thing. Can we say Skellington? Anyhow, Jack delivers colorful eggs to all his friends, and they’re happy to have found something fun to do on Easter. Santa finishes the story saying that’s how Easter became the kids’ second favorite holiday.

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Artie tries to tell Jack not to retire, but chef Billy tells him he’s got work in the kitchen, and to start kitchen up. Yay puns! Ratso is up this time. He mentions how he used to be a jealous, and Jack calls him a downright drag. Ratso starts to tell the tale of the year Jack wasn’t fit to deliver the eggs, and auditions were held. Several animals, tried but were unsuccessful.

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Meanwhile, Scarlett O’Hare is out running, and Jack goes gaga for her. She’s thinking bad romance, and wants nothing to do with him. As she continues her run, she crosses the line ahead of Ratso, and is given the honor of delivering the Easter eggs this year. He’s not having that.

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Ratso meets with a gang of rats, and tells them he was disqualified for being a rat, and rallies them to get the basket from Scarlett. While out delivering the eggs, we have a very West Side Story moment as the rats whistle and snap their way to her. She screams, and Jack gets up to track them down. There’s a shadow fight, and the rabbits are victorious. Back at the roast, Ratso says no hard feelings. Jack is fine, Easter has been good to him. We cut to Scarlett sitting with his parents.

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Scrawny Chicken then regales us with the story of the year of the great egg shortage. Jack had gone to the coop to get some eggs, and arrives in time to see the chickens being hauled off. As he tracks them down, via a trail of cracked eggs, he realizes who did it when he discovers eggs Benedict. It’s Madame Melegg, the tv chef. Hupcha hupcha, quick like a bunny!

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The chickens are in shackles as the Madame is singing about how she’ll be making an omelette with 2 million eggs. Before we go on, I’d like to point out that in addition to wanting to serve up some eggs, she’s serving up egg beater eleganza. They’re giant, and she uses them like skates. As we look at the big board, we see a grand total of one, and she asks her captives to give generously, or instead of an omelette, she’ll be making chicken pot pie!

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The eggs are flowing freely. Talk about a fear lay. Sorry. Jack arrives, and grabs number 2 million before it hits the pan and sets off the egg cracker, aka the Acme mallet. He has some nerve interrupting her show! He tells her he’s Chef Antoine, and asks where she learned to make eggs, Humpty Dumpty? He then asks if this is Roots, chicken style. Yes, he actually says that. It’s 1980, give him some slack. He convinces the Madame to let his people go. Yay, Easter humor! As the eggs are getting returned, the Madame offers him strawberry kisses as an hors d’oeuvre.

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His mustache comes off during the smooches, and the Madame is none too happy. She says Easter rabbit is a rare forbidden dish. All you need is small bit of railroad track, and a full head of steam. She charges at him like a locomotive, and last rites are performed over him. Odd thing for a cartoon, but again, it’s 1980. The 70’s had just ended. Worth mentioning, it’s a priest and a Rabbi. There’s another joke in there somewhere.

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Just before impact, he shouts that it’s time for a commercial. Being a pre-Food Network diva, she agrees. Gotta keep the sponsors happy. Jack uses her giant beaters in a demonstration, and throws several objects through them, the last of which is a girder, ruining them completely.

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Back at the roast, Scrawny says how she loves Jack, and kisses him. Don Rattles pulls Jack to the dais to have his say. Before he can, Don cuts him off saying they’re going over on time. It’s time for the big finale. The kitchen doors open, and there’s Artie. We see Billy tied up, and the giant egg shaped cake is left there. Artie brings Jack a lone Easter egg, telling him it will be the last one. Ever.

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No, there’s just can’t be a last Easter egg. Someone else can do it. Artie says that Jack is the Easter bunny, there is no one else. Everyone starts chanting “don’t quit”, and that’s all it takes to convince him not to. Once again, Jack says Easter has been good to him. Awww. That’s so much cuter than the movie about the guy who gets stoned on tablets with god. That’s how that movie ends, right? No? Oh well, maybe I’ll review it next year.

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-JJ

Night of the Lepus

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Easter Sunday is upon us, and in the spirit of celebrating zombies and giant bunnies, I decided to share with you one of my favorite horror films of all time. It seems as though I have a cult horror movie for just about every holiday out there. Enough so much that it might just become a recurring segment for us. We could call it Holiday Horrors.  And while Night of the Lepus isn’t specifically themed as an Easter movie, it does feature giant killer bunnies. What more could anyone ask for. Except for maybe Beaster Day:  Here Comes Peter Cottonhell.

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The film opens with scenes and narration about plagues of rabbits ravaging the southwest valley, and parts of Australia. It’s a rabbit war!!

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 Seems like there is a real epidemic of waskilly wabbits out there.   We see shots of several rabbit roundups, and in the first scenes, we know that we are in for quite a treat with the terror that these little fluffy guys can bring.  Any cynics out there, just ask Elmer Fudd how twicky and waskilly these darned things can be! 

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Just a few minutes into the film we encounter the first casualty, which is Cole’s horse. The poor animal breaks its leg in a rabbit hole. The rancher then puts the horse out of its misery with his rifle. What would have been smart is if Cole had dismounted and led his steed through the rabbit infested area. There are literally dozens of the furry critters crouched around big piles of dirt. Damn those rabbits!

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After his walk back to the house, Mr. Hillman resolves to call Eglin and see if there is some way to control the rabbits without resorting to poison. Dammit Jim! These are rabbits, not mindless, killing beasts!!

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Enter the Bennetts, who are entomologists. Despite the apparent mismatch of specialties, they are enlisted by Eglin to help address the rabbit problem. What do they use? An experimental DNA-altering serum supplied by another scientist. Poison is evil, but a little harmless genetic tampering sure is environmentally friendly. Amanda is distraught when daddy gives her favorite lab bunny an injection. She switches rabbits when the adults are not looking and takes the gene-seeded monster along with her to Hillman’s ranch. There she runs afoul of Jackie, who yells that he hates rabbits. The young boy pulls the bunny away from Amanda, then lightly sets it down so it can dive down a nearby hole.  And thus begins a chain of deadly events. It seems as though it would be wise to keep small children out of science labs, but there again, maybe that’s just me.

An indeterminate period of time passes before people start being killed by giant slow motion rabbits. They eat a refrigeration truck driver, along with the contents of his truck, and even a group of people at a picnic ground. Well, “eat” may be a stretch, what we see is people smeared with thick red paste and their clothes ripped, but never anything else.

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Despite those large incisors, there are not even chunks missing out of the bodies. Hell, nobody is even scratched. I thought the rabbits were hungry. Did I miss the part where it is explained why the rabbits are suddenly carnivorous? None of the characters are surprised either; once they accept the idea that giant bunnies are loose the change to a meat diet is totally ignored. Why bother with the details.

The rabbits made their den in an abandoned mine. This allows Mr. Hillman and the Bennetts to set dynamite and collapse the mine on them. Before that though, they do something colossally stupid: Roy and Cole venture into the mine to see and photograph exactly what is running loose (the mine exploration is when they discover the true furry face of unspeakable horror). Once they find the rabbits it is time to leave, quickly. A swarm of hopping mammals streams after the two men.

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 Lucky for them that the rabbits are filmed in slow motion and on scale models, otherwise they would probably have been caught and eaten.  The rabbits appear to be very threatening, the concept is quite effective.  However, the real movie magic happens when the bunnies attack. Then somebody wearing a dark-furred Easter Bunny suit takes over. 

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Roy and Cole dash out of the mine and the dynamite is detonated, burying many of the rabbits under tons of rock and soil. The end. Well that’s what they think anyway, but not even close. We are talking about rabbits. What nobody seems to think of is that rabbits can dig. The furry monstrosities dig their way out of the mine and conduct a reprisal raid against the Hillman ranch and a nearby town (population, about six). There is only one casualty (besides the horses) at Cole’s place.

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He hikes to the nearby town to find assistance, but discovers the buildings are filled with a black, brooding presence. Inside each darkened edifice lurks a horror that mortal man was not meant to witness. Else, he might claw away the flesh from his skull trying to rid his diseased mind of the horrible image of: giant rabbits, sitting calmly. Cole, for his part, stumbles to a pay phone, calls Roy, and slowly says, “There are more of them damn rabbits.” 

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With the startling news that the rabbits are out for blood, the humans are slow to organize a counterattack. Soon there are National Guard troops available to stem the furry tide, but the Lepus expeditionary force outmaneuvers the state militia. The town of Ajo is next in line for a butt-kicking as the rabbit Rommel leads his forces over a bridge to outflank the defenders. Gerry and Amanda, who, to avoid the media frenzy that was expected to surround the rabbits, had set out for yet another city in the Bennett’s camper-equipped pickup, are also in harm’s way. The truck gets stuck in deep sand at a remote turnoff. 

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Roy is temporarily diverted in his quest to save Ajo from giant bunnies by the search and rescue mission for his family. Do not worry, the girls are fine. The plan to save Ajo is, however, of dubious value. Utilizing about a hundred civilian vehicles that were at a drive-in, the authorities plan to channel the rabbits into a narrow approach. With the cars’ headlights on full, the Lepus invaders will be forced to assault directly into interlocking machinegun fire and a final protective line created by an electrified railroad track.

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With a roar (well, as much of one as you might expect from bunnies), the Lepus charge.
Those that are not machine-gunned or flamethrowered to death hit the tracks and die in agonizing pain as the electricity arcs and crackles.  

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When it is over all that remains is acres of burnt bunnies. That must smell AWFUL. In the final scene, Cole tells Roy the normal rabbits have returned to the ranch. And so have the coyotes.  That’ll keep those varmints from wreaking a bunny apocalypse ever again! 
-BB

TMNT: Coming Out of Their Shells

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-by Bevianna Bones

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There are few things from my childhood that simultaneously were so endeared and so horrific at the same time as TMNT: Coming out of Their Shells. This was an amazing jammin rockin cassette that was put out by Mikey, Raph, Leo, and Don; and pimped out by Pizza Hut as a promotion. Because who else. It’s the turtles. There was even a song on the album, Pizza Power! No matter what challenges or problems life may hand us, just eat a slice of the “flying saucer food delight” and there isn’t anything these four ninja brothers aren’t ready to take on!!

Anyway, as far as I know, the only way you could get the cassette was to complete the Book It! Challenge at Pizza Hut. Basically, for every 5 books you read, you got a free Personal Pan Pizza, and after so many freebies earned you got the cassette. I could be wrong about this whole thing. It was 1988, and I was 8 years old.

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Or maybe it was 3.99 when you bought a pizza and my parents just told me that I had to read all those damned books. The details are a little fuzzy at this point. What I do know is that earning my turtles cassette was my life’s greatest achievement at that point. Even more than trying to earn my Enduro patch from Activision. That’s another story, but with this cassette in my possession I was the envy of all my classmates. Just one of the many times being a dork pages off in a big way for me. I listened to that album over and over until I practically wore it out. I loved it.

Imagine my bliss when many years later, I happened upon it on iTunes for a measly five dollars. I couldn’t resist. I had to have it. I still know all the songs by heart, and in truth I keep it in my playlist and listen to it at least once while I’m working graveyard. My newly rekindled romance of these four rockin turtles reminded of the rest of the story about this album, and this is where the horror comes in.

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Apparently, the turtles had gotten tired of taking down the foot and shredder and krang and decided to take their rock show on the road with, wait for it, you guessed it, a LIVE TOUR!!!! Thank the gods that technology has blessed us with YouTube, so that we all may relive the turtles’ message of peace and love through music. I emplor you to try and sit through all 93 glorious minutes. I can already see the quizitive look on all of your faces. Bevianna, you say, 93 minutes? I thought the album was only 30? And I say to you, yes, ninety-three minutes of what-the-fuckery stretching 30 minutes of turtle pun themed pizza advertisements into an hour and a half of your life you will never, I say, never get back. You have been warned.

The show opens and we see several equipment trucks and roadies coming in to set up the stage in that very early 80s vhs editing that oh so many music vids of the time used. And then again amazing vhs effects, we see a crowed venue and an empty stage. Then poof, and quick flash and the music starts and up out of the stage come the turtles decked out in quintessential 80s glamband rock attire. But no hair. After all they are turtles. To give them hairband hair would just be ridiculous. So Leo an Mickey are playing a flying v’s, and Don is on bass. Raph is on vocals. Although I have a memory of Raph on the keytar at some point. Oops, my bad, Don has the keytar, apparently they don’t know what the fuck is going on either. They can change instruments so quickly like that because they are ninjas.

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They open the show with “Out of Their Shells” so we all know that these are not the same turtles we once knew, and looking at them, they literally have no shells. They have come out of them. Next, after we had how totes radical and how much we all are loved, they decide to cut the talk and rock again!! Those instruments are amazing!!!! They love us!!! So let’s sing about it!! And hear much ancient wisdom from a very frightening Splinter. It’s Pizza Power bitches! Look at those moves, boy being a ninja really pays off when you are rocking out!!! There are even pizza delivery backup dancers.

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That is the power or pizza and music right there!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

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My apologies to the readers, but I just looked up at the screen and caught a glimpse of the dead eyes of what once was a mouse that didn’t make the cut for the Critter Parade at Chuck’e Cheese. We are treated to more Splinter wisdom and his one and only song, thankfully, Skipping Stones. But just as shit is about to get really deep, an ominous voice comes over and we see Baxter Stockman’s lab, and surprise, we are told of an ominous plan by Shredder. Who hates music!!! Ahahahaaha!! End quote. I be cranky too, let’s just say this guy’s costume budget was minimal.

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Splinter and the turts we so moved by the music, they are literally knocked out, when they wake up, they have no idea what’s going on. Neither does the audience. Enter April O’Neal. She tells us and all the mindless children that in fact, Shredder was indeed there. So we sing some more. And dance awesome some more. Imagine the résumés. Donatello has this special skill apparently.

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Cowabunga!!! Its time to go Tubin’!! Don’t quite understand that last transition, neither does anyone else. Surfin song, surfin stock footage, and dancin…alligators??…crocodiles??…sharks?? Im not really sure. You be the judge.

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These are really some retro reptiles!!!

NEWSFLASH!!!!!

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It’s April and she has breaking news that shredder is indeed there in that very building!!! The Turtles spring into action with an amazing RAP!!! The funky four really showed the shred up with that one! Cowabunga dudes!!! The rap really upset Shredder and he unleashes foot soilder and prepares his Deharmomic Discombobulated Disembowler (or something like that) that’s going to suck away all the music. Thank you shredder. And then more filler as the turtles do impressions to pass the time.

Foot soilders attack the turtles and the turtles fight back with ninja power and puns. “Go Turtles!!!” April cries out, the foot is defeated and shredder finally shows up to the party. And more puns. Shredder sucks away all the turtles pizza power and the turtles are forced to retreat. Shredder taunts the audience and makes the children cry. He gets all pervy with April and she is dragged away by the foot and then the worst of all, Shredder tells the audience that they are all trapped in the building until such time as he see’s fit for their release…the horror, the horror!!!

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We find ourselves in an intermission of sorts and we are treated to several whiney small children in their turtle garb, talking to an obviously overwhelmed “journalist” (the term is used very loosely here) reporting and recaping the “situation”. Dear gods, what is to happen to April and where did the turtles go off to?! The suspense is killing me.

The reporter takes plastic weapons from the children and heads down to the “sewer” to try and find help. This goes on for five minutes. He finally stumbles on the turtles and tells them Shredder took April and they go back and forth for a while, and basically figure out that no one knows where he took her or what’s going on. Seems that is our recurring theme. The “interview” with the turtles and their plan of “I don’t know, but we’re gonna do something” goes on for far too long. They decide to send the reporter off to look for Shredder after he calls them weenies.

Back on stage, Shredder is getting a bone from upsetting the children and calling them names. At this point, I have to reflect just how much filler is going to be left in the second “act” since I think there is only two actual songs left. Shredder taunts the children some more and becomes eventually either tired or irritated. I find I identity with the way Shredder is feeling. So like all bad guys, he likes to talk too much and reveals to us how his giant music sucking vibrator works. To show us as an example, since he hates music so much, he and the foot bust into their very own awful rap and breakdance. Look out electric boogalo! What a surprise treat, and a shame this baby isnt on the album. Maybe there is a special editon I don’t know about.

The turtles commicate to the crowd via vidcam satellite link, and reassure everyone that they have a plan. Sure would like to know what it is at this point, but as there is still thirty minutes left, I’m sure we have to wait a bit to find out. Shredder is agitated that the turtles are still alive and he and Baxter set off to destroy them. Leaving April alone on stage with some lackeys who start dissing the turtles for ditching everyone. April gets pissed they are talking smack on her boys and wait for it…I think it might be April’s big moment…yep, time for April Ballad.

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The song that makes you feel safe. Because that is the power of peace and love and music. A turtle is a friend, a friend to the end. That, or it’s the song that makes one question the nature of the relationship between her and the boys. Just like that, the turtles are back on stage, lured there by April and her beautiful music. The power of peace and love and music indeed. This bitch bagged a Broadway gig from this pizza powered performance. No lie. April’s got it going on.

Splinter notices she’s got it going so much that she’s draining the giant evil vibratdron of its power. Shredder tells April to stop singing and steals her voice ala Ursula. He’s not only stolen her voice, but as reports keep coming in to tell us, music from all over the world. This is so heinous, Baxter lets out maniacal laughter…it is working… IT IS WORKING!! This is the day the music died…bye, bye pizza pie.

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Shredder leaves and the turtles come back out. Seems that Donetello has fabricated some protection from the vibratronic pulses. They notice that the vibrator is powered off of their bad boogie and they bust out into another rockin jam!! Now because they have the protection, they can really stick it to the shredder at last! Finally!!

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Just as I got my hopes up that we were to the climax, it appears that the protective sheilds Donny made not only protect the bad boogie from coming in, it protects it from going out. Great lesson learned here kids.

Seems all this negativity is pulling the boys apart and we are about to have a turtle throwdown. Those shields didn’t keep out the bad boogie after all…another important lesson.

Splinter deduces that the only thing that can really hurt them is their own fear and that they need to follow the music in their hearts. Awww. Acapella turtle action. Not sure why April is mean mugging them, unless she was already up for that Broadway role at this point. April and the power of fierce facials! Let those shoulder pads do the acting for you!

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The music has brought the four ninja brothers back together. How precious. They made up with the power of music and peace and love. Splinter figures out if the audience helps sing along, Shredder and his vibratronic transducer will be defeated and all the music will be restored. We are so ready for this floor show! The turtles and the audience bust into the signature turtle song, Count on Us! Because we can always count on them! Lots of stage effect went into the flashing lights and shaking cameras on them. Shredder is forced to escape to the technodrome, but wait, the turtles foil that plan and send the shred to another dimension!! Tubular dudes!
Go ninja go ninja go!

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-BB

Smurfs – The Smurfette

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-by Joshie Jaxon

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I forgot that the Smurfs was like Garfield and Friends, in that it was done in a three segments per episode format. Rather than touch on all three segments, I’m going to focus on the most important one in Smurf Race Smurfstory; the introduction of Smurfette. Good luck, and don’t Smurf it up.

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Gargamel’s castle. He can hear happiness coming from the forest. He can’t stand it, it pains him. Azrael can feel it too. Or maybe it’s his tail that was shut in the window. Real responsible cat ownership there, Gargs. He rants at no one in particular that he needs to stop the Smurfs and their happiness. If only they had a weakness. Well, it’s a society of shirtless men that love to work hard and play hard. Oh! Let’s send them a girl. Way to know your enemy. They wouldn’t even know what to do with her. All they know is how to smurf in the smurf. It’s very Smurfback Mountain.

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Gargamel gets a lump of blue clay to make his lady smurf. Once again we get some 80’s sexism. To the cauldron he adds sugar and spice, but nothing nice. Crocodile tears, half a pack of lies, the chatter of a magpie, and the hardest stone for her heart. He is making an 80’s woman, after all.

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A group of smurfs is out looking for smurf berries. Vanity follows his mirror. Atta smurf. If you can’t smurf yourself, how in the smurf are you gonna smurf somebody else. Hefty hears crying, and follows it right to a busted Smurfette. Black hair, minimal lashes, simple white dress, flat shoes. Unacceptable, we wanna see heels, girl. You’re the first girl they’ve ever seen, and this is how you’re gonna win them over? Sashay, away. She asks Hefty if he likes what he sees. His reply, “I don’t know”, is perfect.

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Brainy tells Papa Smurf that Hefty found a Smurfette. He tells her that she’s allowed to stay, and is among friends. We go to her hut, with heart windows, getting a fresh coat of pink paint. Vanity must have given her his smurf me downs. Heart windows are so last season. Smurfette calls Gargamel on her compact, and he reminds her that he created her, and he can destroy her. She better work! Having not seen such a busted girl before, Clumsy smacks Brainy in the head. She decides a picnic would be best, and extends an invitation. It gets passed around the village, a sign of things to come, but right now, they’re all too busy to picnic with her. Except Jokey, who brings her a present that explodes in her face.

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Smurfette makes a cake and brings it to Greedy, who is working on the dam. She wants to see how it works, but he’s busy. That’s fine, she’ll take her cake to someone that will appreciate it. Greedy has her come back, and shows her the lever for the dam. She gets him to let out some water, a little pre-smurf if you will, and tries to stop him from closing it. The village of smurf loving smurfs must be cleansed with a flood. Smurfette falls into the water, and Papa & company save her while Greedy fixes the dam. Time for a trial!

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Smurfette confesses to working for Gargamel, and turns on the tears. It’s ok Roxxxy, they’re buying it. Shantay you stay. She wishes she could be a real Smurf. Papa says he won’t be able to undo all of what Gargamel did, but he’ll try. A touch of Venus, moonbeams, and essence of smurf root, should do it. On the main stage, Smurfette is severing up some fierceness this time. Proper nose contour, blonde hair, tailored dress, and heels. To celebrate their new queen they all go get her gifts. One says, “I smurfed her first”. Yeah, she says that to all of you. Jokey offers her another surprise, and Brainy warns her that it’ll kablooie right in her face. He’d know after all. They throw him out of the village, in the first appearance of his running gag.

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Smurfette gets another compact call from Gargamel who doesn’t like her makeover. He’ll teach those Smurfs to mess with his queen. He tells her that he will help her plan a party for all their kindness. She beckons from her window, and tells the Smurfs to head to the forest, and she’ll be along as soon as she picks the right dress. Meanwhile, old Gargs catches all of the villagers. He tells Azrael they will dine well tonight. Honey-covered Smurfs, or maybe Smurfs on a stick. Oooh, Smurf soup. Gargamel wants to eat the Smurfs. It bears repeating. Eat. The. Smurfs. Now, I’m sure Vanity can tell us the perks of eating Smurf, but I just don’t see it.

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Seeing her newfound friends in trouble, Smurfette has another costume change. Category is, hero eleganza. The Lone Smurf taunts Gargamel that he missed one. He and Azrael chase after her. She manages to free the men, leads Gargs up a tree, and gets him to fall out of it. The Smurfs celebrate his defeat, and decide to give him a taste of his own medicine.

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Cut to the castle, and a rather homely looking woman shows up at Gargamel’s door. She chases after him, and he flees from her desperation. The episode ends with a big party, and Grouchy Smurf saying he hates, no, he loves the Smurfette. That’s her title now, like the Cher or the Oprah. He just hates anyone to know about it. Careful, Smurfette, or you’re gonna need two smurfs in your smurf if you wanna feel anything when you’re getting smurfed.

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-JJ