-by Joshie Jaxon

I forgot that the Smurfs was like Garfield and Friends, in that it was done in a three segments per episode format. Rather than touch on all three segments, I’m going to focus on the most important one in Smurf Race Smurfstory; the introduction of Smurfette. Good luck, and don’t Smurf it up.

Gargamel’s castle. He can hear happiness coming from the forest. He can’t stand it, it pains him. Azrael can feel it too. Or maybe it’s his tail that was shut in the window. Real responsible cat ownership there, Gargs. He rants at no one in particular that he needs to stop the Smurfs and their happiness. If only they had a weakness. Well, it’s a society of shirtless men that love to work hard and play hard. Oh! Let’s send them a girl. Way to know your enemy. They wouldn’t even know what to do with her. All they know is how to smurf in the smurf. It’s very Smurfback Mountain.

Gargamel gets a lump of blue clay to make his lady smurf. Once again we get some 80’s sexism. To the cauldron he adds sugar and spice, but nothing nice. Crocodile tears, half a pack of lies, the chatter of a magpie, and the hardest stone for her heart. He is making an 80’s woman, after all.

A group of smurfs is out looking for smurf berries. Vanity follows his mirror. Atta smurf. If you can’t smurf yourself, how in the smurf are you gonna smurf somebody else. Hefty hears crying, and follows it right to a busted Smurfette. Black hair, minimal lashes, simple white dress, flat shoes. Unacceptable, we wanna see heels, girl. You’re the first girl they’ve ever seen, and this is how you’re gonna win them over? Sashay, away. She asks Hefty if he likes what he sees. His reply, “I don’t know”, is perfect.

Brainy tells Papa Smurf that Hefty found a Smurfette. He tells her that she’s allowed to stay, and is among friends. We go to her hut, with heart windows, getting a fresh coat of pink paint. Vanity must have given her his smurf me downs. Heart windows are so last season. Smurfette calls Gargamel on her compact, and he reminds her that he created her, and he can destroy her. She better work! Having not seen such a busted girl before, Clumsy smacks Brainy in the head. She decides a picnic would be best, and extends an invitation. It gets passed around the village, a sign of things to come, but right now, they’re all too busy to picnic with her. Except Jokey, who brings her a present that explodes in her face.

Smurfette makes a cake and brings it to Greedy, who is working on the dam. She wants to see how it works, but he’s busy. That’s fine, she’ll take her cake to someone that will appreciate it. Greedy has her come back, and shows her the lever for the dam. She gets him to let out some water, a little pre-smurf if you will, and tries to stop him from closing it. The village of smurf loving smurfs must be cleansed with a flood. Smurfette falls into the water, and Papa & company save her while Greedy fixes the dam. Time for a trial!

Smurfette confesses to working for Gargamel, and turns on the tears. It’s ok Roxxxy, they’re buying it. Shantay you stay. She wishes she could be a real Smurf. Papa says he won’t be able to undo all of what Gargamel did, but he’ll try. A touch of Venus, moonbeams, and essence of smurf root, should do it. On the main stage, Smurfette is severing up some fierceness this time. Proper nose contour, blonde hair, tailored dress, and heels. To celebrate their new queen they all go get her gifts. One says, “I smurfed her first”. Yeah, she says that to all of you. Jokey offers her another surprise, and Brainy warns her that it’ll kablooie right in her face. He’d know after all. They throw him out of the village, in the first appearance of his running gag.

Smurfette gets another compact call from Gargamel who doesn’t like her makeover. He’ll teach those Smurfs to mess with his queen. He tells her that he will help her plan a party for all their kindness. She beckons from her window, and tells the Smurfs to head to the forest, and she’ll be along as soon as she picks the right dress. Meanwhile, old Gargs catches all of the villagers. He tells Azrael they will dine well tonight. Honey-covered Smurfs, or maybe Smurfs on a stick. Oooh, Smurf soup. Gargamel wants to eat the Smurfs. It bears repeating. Eat. The. Smurfs. Now, I’m sure Vanity can tell us the perks of eating Smurf, but I just don’t see it.

Seeing her newfound friends in trouble, Smurfette has another costume change. Category is, hero eleganza. The Lone Smurf taunts Gargamel that he missed one. He and Azrael chase after her. She manages to free the men, leads Gargs up a tree, and gets him to fall out of it. The Smurfs celebrate his defeat, and decide to give him a taste of his own medicine.

Cut to the castle, and a rather homely looking woman shows up at Gargamel’s door. She chases after him, and he flees from her desperation. The episode ends with a big party, and Grouchy Smurf saying he hates, no, he loves the Smurfette. That’s her title now, like the Cher or the Oprah. He just hates anyone to know about it. Careful, Smurfette, or you’re gonna need two smurfs in your smurf if you wanna feel anything when you’re getting smurfed.

-JJ