Jem and the Holograms – The Beginning 

By Joshie Jaxon 

Greetings, geek fans! I tried to prepare a post on M.A.S.K. for you, but I couldn’t. I was bored before the first five minutes had passed. It was terrible, just terrible. It was all about cars, and I just can’t. I reached white girl levels of literally can’t even. Please don’t make me. There’s nothing funny I could find in it, and that’s coming from me. Instead, I bring you a gem, pun intended, from the mid-80’s. This had a Joshie Gab review written all over it. It’s got everything. Category is, retro-80’s girl glam! Pink sparkles, girl power, bad fashion, and earrings! Showtime, Synergy. Er, let the geeks begin! 

Jem! Jem is excitement! Ooh Jem! Jem is adventure! Glamor and glitter! Fashion and fame! Jem is truly outrageous! Truly! Truly! Truly, outrageous! We’re not even through the opening song yet, and already I feel gayer. Do you? Just wait! 

We open on a red carpet. There’s a blimp overhead that has JEM on it. As the spotlights move around, the land yacht of a car pulls up and out comes Miss Vida! Ok, it’s actually Aja, serving up blue hair, pink eye shadow and a star on her cheek. Next, Shana, in purple dress and matching purple hair. Followed by Kimber in red hair, and a white dress coat with red ruffles. Finally, Jem! Pink heels, pink dress, hair, and makeup. These girls are coordinated! Werk! One of the paparazzi ask if they’re making a new album, and what it’s like to be famous. She remembers how it all began…

That’s right, the series is a flashback to how she got to that red carpet. As premises go, it’s not bad. Except her opening memory is the death of her father. Sleazy looking business guy, Mr. Raymond, offers Jerrica his condolences. Overprotective male, totally in the friend zone, Rio, says she has all the help she needs. Jerrica’s voiceover says she got two inheritances, daddy’s music company, Starlight Music, and a home for foster girls, Starlight House. 

Inside the RuPaul School for Girls, everyone is pitching in and cleaning up. Kimber is strumming her guitar. Aja is vacuuming. Rio is fixing the light, and Jerrica is flat on her back, getting wet. Er, trying to fix the leak under the sink. Aja turns the light on. The lamp shorts out. The vacuum hits the ladder Rio is on, causing him to fall and pop the bag, sending dust everywhere. Jerrica sneezes and breaks the pipe, getting water all over. Kimber gets off her duff to go tell Jerrica they have problems. In the living room, one of the troubled teens calls it a dump, sits on a chair, and falls on her ass. Instant karma. Jerrica dries her hair as Rio says the electrical is shot, and the girls chime in about the vacuum, plumbing, and furniture. Shana says they need money. Unnamed assistant says that Jerrica’s dad used to get money from Starlight Music to take care of things. Jerrica thinks she can too, and puts on her best “gimme money and I might touch it” outfit on. 

Starlight Music, Jerrica dusts off her knees and- kidding! Can you imagine? No? Well, you can now. Jerrica rides the external-facing elevator to the top and ask the secretary to see Mr. Raymond. Secretary has fingerless white lace gloves on, and is painting her nails. It’s worth noting her lime green eyeshadow. Even for the 80’s, wow. Anyhow, Jerrica storms in and asks if he’s making himself at home in her father’s office. Well, he is dead. It’s not like her can use it. She says she needs money for Starlight House, and daddy left her half the company. Why only half is beyond me. Raymond says that she’s just a kid. He’s trying to turn Starlight Music into the most powerful recording company in the country, but he needs new blood like, The Misfits! Pizzazz! Roxie! And Stormer! They come in on cue, riding guitar-shaped bikes. Yes, I’m serious. Pizzazz has an animal print dress and acid green hair. Roxie has white hair, a black top and yellow leggings. Stormer has blue hair, pink top, black mini skirt and fishnets. The music starts as they circle Jerrica. Time for a musical number! Yes, seriously! “Outta My Way” The Misfits appears in the corner like we’re watching a music video. Which we are. They stalk Jerrica out the glass wall of the office, surf after her on boards, and try to grab the brass ring she’s on at the carousel. All while singing for her to get out of their way. Subtle, ladies. Raymond announces a battle of the bands, that The Misfits say they’ll win cause he booked a bunch of terrible acts around them. Jerrica can’t believe he’s using her father’s company to promote this trash. He’s in charge and there’s nothing she can do about it. Don’t be too sure.

RuPaul School for Girls, Jerrica sits in front of her mirror by candlelight saying she won’t let him get away with this. Aja asks what they can do by tomorrow. Kimber points out the box on the vanity. It contains a pair of beautiful star earrings. Who sent them? Kimber guesses that it’s Rio. There’s a clap on thunder, a bolt of lightning, and the window blows open. Candles go out, and the girls go close the window. Suddenly, there’s a strange woman clad in purple standing there, telling Jerrica that she’s come for her! There are instructions in the earring box. Follow them. She’ll be waiting for her. Jerrica reaches out and states there’s nothing there. The woman then disappears. Jerrica looks at the others and says “let’s go”. Cause after all, mysterious present, strange woman, what could possibly go wrong. Poor, sheltered, trusting, white girl. 

They take their van, Starlight Express, to the Star drive-in. Star theme anyone? One of the girls says this is the craziest thing they’ve ever done. Yeah, going to the creepy drive-in in the middle of the night doesn’t exactly scream, sane. The woman stands in front of the screen and tells her to drive through it. Things aren’t always what they seem in this place. Labrynth worm. Had to. Jerrica tells Aja to to it, and she does. Oh my! The wall is an illusion. No, I’m gonna guess hologram. Jerrica asks who or what the woman is. She’s Synergy. She was designed to be the ultimate audio/visual synthesizer. She was designed by the late Mr. Benton. Now she belongs to Jerrica. She can generate completely realistic holograms, and creates a Jerrica clone right next to her. Then she says she can change they appearances, and makes Kimber look like Aja, then Aja to look like Shana, and Shama to Kimber. Jerrica asks if the projects are there, how Synergy got in her bedroom. Why, through her remote micro-projectors. Any guesses? The earrings! Daddy left other gifts as well. An alcove of clothes, another of instruments, and the land yacht. Jerrica can’t believe daddy kept it secret. Wait! She’s got it! She can use all of this to stop Mr. Raymond! 

Battle of the bands. Terrible band called the Limp Lizards is getting booed off stage. Raymond is ready to announce The Misfits as the winners when the music starts up, and there’s another music video credit. This time it’s “Only the Begining” Jem and the Holograms. Point of order, why name your group after the very thing you’re using to hide yourselves? Seems odd to me. Anyhow, upbeat music. They’re already on the rise. The crowd starts cheering and taking their pictures. The Misfits do not look pleased. Raymond says they can’t play there, it’s invitation only. Jem says SHE invited them, and points. As the crowd looks, she grabs her earring and says those famous words, “showtime, Synergy”. There’s Jerrica waving. As Raymond storms over to her, Jem leaves the stage, touches the earring again and says “shows over, Synergy”. Jem becomes Jerrica again, and goes to the main stage. Raymond says he won’t tolerate interference. Jerrica snaps back that she won’t tolerate rigged contests. Raymond challenges her that in six months he’ll make The Misfits more famous than Jem. Then they’ll have another battle of the bands, which is what I’m guessing the opening scene is from. Raymond says whoever wins, they get to run Starlight Records. A producer sweetens the deal and says the winner gets a movie deal and a mansion, cause why not? 

The Misfits say they’re gonna win. They then proceed to take the Holograms instruments and drive off with them. The girls hop in the land yacht and chase after them. Um, there were witnesses to the theft. Not a smart move, Misfits. Neither is throwing the instruments back at them as they drive on the freeway, but they do that too. The land yacht heads towards a cliff. This show has everything! The front tires go over the edge, but the rest is secure. The girls suggest getting out, but that makes the car nearly fall. Synergy is they only hope! Showtime, Synergy! Van driving down the road. Rio is driving, cause of course he is. Jem is on the road trying to wave down a driver. Rio sees her and says, “that’s Jem”. She calls him by name, and says the rocking roadster, aka land yacht, is hanging on the edge of the cliff. Ok, let’s break all that down. Rio wasn’t at the park. He doesn’t know Jem by name or on sight. “Jem” shouldn’t know Rio’s name either, and neither of them question it. Rio drives off to go help, leaving Jem on the side of the road. Yes, leaves the star to go save the friends. Doesn’t even tell her to get in. Just. Drives. Off. Jem is better off not getting in the rape van anyways. Kidding, it has windows.

Cut to newspaper article about Rio saving the girls. Raymond is reading it aloud. He crumples it as he bitches out The Misfits for giving Jerrica’s group a million dollars of free press. They counter that it isn’t their fault Aja can’t drive. Raymond says he’ll make sure they win. Good, they say. Because it’s time for another song. “Winning is Everything” The Misfits, appears in the corner. Wow, they aren’t the title characters and they get two songs this episode? Go, girls! Sports themed montage of football, then a beauty pageant, then gambling. That’s great for a concept, I guess. Someone cue Visage to rate their performance. Maybe she was off in Seduction. Oh well. 

RuPaul School for Girls, in the Interior Illusions Lounge, the girls are gathering the money they’ve earned mowing lawns and walking dogs. The chick who called the place a dump asks why they’re handing over their money. It’s for the honor jar, so they can buy a new fridge for the house. They only need $30 more. The girls cheer, except for bad attitude. I’m gonna guess she becomes a Misfit at some point, or betrays the girls. 

Starlight Music, Raymond tells a thug on the phone t break into Jerrica’s, steal some things, and leave them scared. Shouldn’t he be spending his time developing his girl group rather than worrying about the competition? 

RuPaul School for Girls, blonde attitude is taking money from the jar, and Jerrica catches her in the act. I was just gonna borrow it. Jerrica tells her there’s no room for girls who steal, and to put the money back. She asks about her punishment. Jerrica says the money belonged to the girls, so they will decide her fate. The time has come, for her to lip sync for her life! Good luck, and don’t fuck it up! Sadly, that doesn’t happen. Instead, they tell her that she needs to earn the remaining $30 for the honor jar. She asks how. They say it’s her problem. There must be something she can do worth $30. If only there were high school boys who had jobs or an allowance… Yes, I’m horrible. This isn’t news. Cut to that night, Rio is leaving stating it’ll be another night without power. He offers to sleep on the sofa. Jerrica says they’ll be fine, and kisses him good night. There’s giggling from the stairs as the girls watch. 

Later, the punk breaks the glass on the back door. One of the girls wakes Jerrica. She tells her to make sure the other girls stay upstairs. She then gets Aja and the others and they go downstairs in their nightgowns, with a lantern. Um, house of ladies. Who knows how many invaders. Could be a killer, or a rapist. Let’s just go confront him. Where is the common sense of these girls. They should still have access to a landline. They spook the punk, he tears past them, knocking the lantern to the floor. Rather than taking the door, he opts to jump out the bay window next to it, as the house starts to burn… Rather than wrapping things up with the remaining time, instead we get a 3 minute, yes you read that right, three minute preview of the next episode. Including a bomb scare, betrayal by the blonde, and a possible boat crash. Let’s not give it all away girls. We want cow, not just free milk. 

There was so much fabulousness in that episode that I feel renewed as a homo. You should as well. Until next time, stay geeky, and shows over, Synergy! 

Silverhawks – The Origin Story

By Joshie Jaxon

Greetings, geek fans! It’s been a longer hiatus than I planned, but having found my retro toons, new material should be picking up now. We’re gonna dive right in with this one season wonder from 1986. The wonder is in how I thought this show was good. Seriously, my nostalgia filter is good, but this one must be in a nostalgia vault for some reason. I gave it a watch, and had to force myself to finish. What’s worse is that I have to watch it again. I suffer for my craft, dear readers. I do this for you. We’ll get through this together. Let the geeks begin!! 

We open with the main heroes ejecting from a plane, like they’re skydiving, then gaining wings as they glide. Narration kicks in, they fly on silver wings. Really? A show called Silverhawks has silver wings? This must be a very lucrative program to have silver for military purposes. Are there space werewolves to fight? Sorry, I’ve got the sarcasm up a little high. It helps. More voiceover. They fight with nerves of steel. Partly metal, partly real, they are the Silverhawks. Um, aren’t they androids? Of course they have nerves of steel. Literally. As they come together and join hands in the air, the voiceover continues. Born of a time beyond time, they sacrificed their human bodies, modified to withstand the stress of their long journey through space to the Galaxy of Limbo. If they’re in a time, beyond time, why are they referring to it as “a time”? Anyone? Back to voiceover. Sent there to defend the universe against the terrible Mon Star and his intergalactic mob. 

Mouseketeer roll call – Yes-Man, human from the waist up, snake down below. Why he isn’t Yessss-Man, I’ll never know. Buzzsaw, a golden robot with, you guessed it, buzz saw blades in his shoulders and head. He looks like a failed Mega Man robot master. Wait, MM was released after this. Oh my. Moving on. Mumbo-Jumbo, a minotaur looking creature who breathes fire. Windhammer, who wields a giant tuning fork. Yes, I’m serious. A freaking tuning fork. Molecular, who appears to be made of golden bubble orb things. Pokerface, who is rocking a vampire motif, and a club and heart in each eye. Hardware, a muscled up mutant thing with an arsenal on his back. And the coup de grace, the musical madness of Melodia, who looks like a Misfit reject from Jem and the Holograms, complete with green hair and a keytar. This is hardcore mid-80’s dated. I can’t. I just can’t. 

We’re not done yet. After the gratuitous shot of Mon Star, we need to be introduced to our heroes. Second Mouseketeer roll call. The leader, Quicksilver, and his companion, Tally-Hawk. The tough as nails super twins, Steelheart and Steelwill. True to their names in heart, soul, and spirit. Which is redundant. Aren’t soul and spirit the same thing? Then we have Bluegrass. Any guesses? Yep, cowboy hat and guitar, he’s the ace pilot of their incredible ship, The Mirage. Finally, from the planet of the Mimes, the Copper-Kidd. I’m guessing that’s a species name, cause he’s not in black and white and pretending there’s a wall. They fly into base, which has a giant, wait for it, silver hawk head above the entrance. Lord, the whole thing reeks of Thundercats ripoff. Then we meet the commander, Stargazer, who I’m gonna call Space Xavier, cause that’s exactly who he looks like. Their orbiting base is called Hawk Haven. Silverhawks! The first super androids withs the minds of men, and the muscles of machines. Whew! That’s only the first two minutes. We’ve finally reached the opening credits. Bored to tears yet? Wishing you had your delorean so you could go buy the action figures of everyone they mentioned? No? Me either. Credits.

Alright, let’s do this. Even though we just got told all we need to, we have a whole episode to fill with exposition. Space Xavier is making an emergency transmission to Earth. They just had an intergalactic prison breakout on Penal Planet Ten. There are so many criminals in Limbo that there are at least ten prison planets. Ten prison planets. Who pays to take care of all these criminals? The intergalactic tax payers, that’s who. Wait, Penal Planet Ten? Isn’t that where they imprisoned Mon Star? Gasp! Did anyone else not see that coming? I know I didn’t. Mon Star has escaped. Vamoosed. Flown the coop. They talk funny in the future. Earth says they need Space Xavier to repeat, as there was interference. Mon Star is free. Earth then asks for a full report in detail. 

Penal Planet Ten, which looks like a giant cog. There’s what looks like a black moon, with red eclipse looking aura around it. At 1300 Intergalactic standard time, on the 40th day of the year 2839 the Galaxy of Limbo experienced a Moon Star bust. Can’t the just say 1 o’clock, Feb 9th 2839? No, because that’s not spacey enough. Well, this time the Moon Star’s rays shined directly into the penal planet. As opposed to the other times it passed it by, apparently. Space Xavier asks Earth if they remember what those rays do to Mon Star. Cut to Mon Star in his cell, which is all red from the light of the rays. He’s punching the window bars to get free, and the one is bending. They slam a steel sheet over the window to block out the light. Mon Star turns, and we get a good look at him. He’s serving up Lysander hair realness, and beast fangs. He’s also got a red eye patch with a black star on it. He rushes to the cell doors, and tells the guards to stop, and allow the light to shine into his cell. He’ll reward them with wealth beyond wealth. Time beyond time. Wealth beyond wealth. Wonder if anyone has sight beyond sight. Just saying. Mon Star says the guards can trust him. They laugh, stating they know what will happen if he ever sees the Moon Star again. They know what happened to the last guard that trusted him. Luckily, Space Xavier recaptured him. Mon Star repeats Space Xavier’s name. The guards say he’s there for good, as the blind locks shut. 

 

Over the PA we hear Moon Burst, minus 16. Mon Star starts punching the solid metal sheet. This may be his last chance. Moon Burst, minus 9. Minus 7. More punching. Minus 5. Shot of the rays from the moon. More punching. Side note, who are they counting down for? For us the audience? Dramatic tension? To taunt Mon Star? At any rate, a punch causes a hole in the metal, and wouldn’t you know it, the light shines directly on the eye patch. Mon Star starts saying Yes like he’s having mini orgasms. Maybe he is. Moon Star burst, minus 2. Minus 1. Zero. The solar flare looking energy, radiates in all directions, illuminating the prison, and Mon Star. Ancient spirits of evil… Oops. Wrong show. Similar speech and voice though. Moon Star of Limbo give me the might, the muscle, the menace of Mon Star! He gains armor, and a fancy skull head/helmet with spikes on it. It just screams badass. Normally I like villains, but I’m not getting anything from this one. He tears open the metal screen, and breaks his cell doors. The guards show up, and he destroys the robot one. He then goes to the window, cries out to Space Xavier that he’s free, and flies into space, cause why not? Then there’s a giant space squid. Yes, I’m still serious. Sky-Runner is its name, and Mon Star says he’s missed him. Squid spreads his tentacles and fires an energy blast at Mon Star. He’s grown wild, and forgotten his master. He needs a little persuasion. Mon Star’s eye patch eye unleashes a red star, that goes after the squid. Squid tries to escape. It’s worth noting, they’re in the vacuum of space, and the squid has gills, despite a very clear lack of water. The star circles and hits the squid, giving him Battlecat type armor. Together, they will terrorize the Galaxy of Limbo. 

Earth tells Space Xavier to continue his transmission. Well, at 1340 intergalactic standard time. Ugh! How did the whole galaxy agree on a standard measure of time for everyone? We can’t even get all fifty states to agree on daylight saving time. Anyhow, Mon Star, universal public enemy number one, though we never hear what his past crimes were. Intergalactic terrorist? Did he fly a cruiser into a space station on the 254th day of the year 2811? That’s a smarter joke than this show deserves. He went back to Penal Planet Ten and freed a group of the most dangerous criminals in this or any galaxy. Space Xavier asks if they’re getting that or if he’s talking to himself. Earth asks for visual material. Criminal porn? Space Xavier given them the rundown, including powers. Molecular can assume and shape, and is the undercover guy. Melodia is the mistress of evil notes. Whatever that means. I’m guessing a Starlord dance off would work against her. Mumbo-Jumbo is the strong man of the mob. Hardware is the weapons guy. Shocking. It’s like naming your daughter Bambi and being surprised when she’s a stripper. Windhammer is a storm master, with that blasted tuning fork of his. Yes, they say blasted tuning fork. Space Xavier says they could use some help up there. Good luck relying on Earthlings. We’re only twelve minutes in. Let’s do this, Clovers! 

On Earth plans were taking shape to aid Space Xavier. Why they don’t have closer, more available, help is a mystery to me. Oh wait, cause the writers are from Earth, and we need to make ourselves the center of this or any universe. At least other places used different planets, like Eternia or Arus. The professor and the general look at the list of recruits for the Limbo mission. Leader, Jonathan Quick, former head of Federal Interplanetary Force 8. Whatever that is. Code name, Quicksilver. Emily and Will Heart, the twins. Technicians, designers, and strong as all get-out. When one twin feels something, so does the other. Code names, Steelheart and Steelwill. Emily doesn’t get part of her name in the code name, they just divide up her brother’s. Planet of the Mines volunteer is a mathematical genius, and will be the Copper-Kid. Cause, you know, he’s not from Earth, so therefore he sucks, and isn’t allowed to be silver too. Racists. The next one looks like a cowboy. The General says he’s a colonel, and the best pilot in the solar system. He’ll be Bluegrass, cause despite being best in the solar system, we need to fixate on his cowboy aesthetic. Yes, we covered them during the Mouseketeer roll call, but now we know their real names. Shame they can’t go as they are now. The professor says one day they’ll be able to send people 100 light years into space, but right now they can only send someone part metal and part real. Cause, plot demands. Are their modifications complete? Let’s check them now. Shoulder jets. Arm jets. Heel jets. Talons. Wings. Left hands. Heads. All normal. Hearts? Uh oh, there’s a problem with the twins. They’ll need mechanical hearts. I’m sure that’ll be important at some point in the future. Time to go test the troops. 

 

Silverhawks, standby. Professor, General, Assistant, and a squid-octo thing are ready to observe. Bluegrass can handle anything with wings. Ock says he’d better, or his remote control combat drone will find out. This is 1986 but attack drones are so 30 years later. Prepare to launch. Quicksilver says “release” after lowering his visor, obstructing his human face. Guess that explains how they’ll be able to breathe. They do the hand hold ring thing in the air again. I’m wondering how their existing skill sets are supposed to stop Mon Star. Will Copper-Kidd do his taxes and get him audited? There wasn’t a lot of combat training mentioned. Anyhow, they’re told to wing it, and they gain their wings, but they still seem to be gliding. Yes, they covered that there are jets, but what will the wings do in space? It’s almost over. Hang in there. Am I talking to you, or me? You decide. The Hawks peel off, scatter, and regroup to test their movement. Then Ock sends the drone. Aerial acrobatics have them dodging the blasts. Jets have them gaining altitude. The Hawks dive at the command of Bluegrass, and the drone goes after him. He separates the saucer section, er, cockpit, and then cloaks the rest of the main ship. Why he didn’t just cloak the whole thing with him in it? The Hawks use their various lasers to damage the drone. As it starts to head towards the professor and company, the Hawks all team up their blasts to destroy it before it can collide with the people. Ock says the Silverhawks are impressive. The general says he hopes Mon Star is as impressed as he is. Who cares if he’s impressed, doesn’t he need to be stopped? Bad choice of words, guys. They all salute. Happy 80’s moment. 

 

Copper-Kidd is sitting in the cockpit. Bluegrass asks if he wants to be a pilot. Of course. Well, it’s one thing to fly the Mirage, it’s another to navigate space. He’s gonna quiz the Kidd, and the more he gets right, the closer he’ll get to flying the Mirage. First question, third planet from the sun. Duh, Earth. He’s from another planet. I’m sure the Kidd knows which one he’s on now, jackass. Three points. Second question, first planet from the sun? Kidd guesses Mercury, and gets it right. Blue ass talks down, saying not bad for being from another galaxy. I’m hating this cowboy. He says there’s a simulator on Hawk Haven, and if the Kidd scores high enough, he’ll qualify for flight training. Cause, they’re gonna have so much downtime, what with all the criminals busted out of prison and all. I can only assume this “training” is for the kids in the audience, so they can claim this nonsense was educational. Seriously. All we needed to know this episode was covered in the pre-credits scene.  

Time to break this down. These people are all metal, save for one arm, their face, and things like their hearts, though I’d imagine the rest of their internal organs are gone. Translation, no need to eat, no sex drive, no jerking off to blow off the stress of trying to fight nasty criminals. Why would anyone sign up for this program? Food and sex are life essentials. Oh well, we’re 800 years away from that possible reality. We survived. Er, I survived. The next post should be more entertaining. I hope. Gotta go work on the settings for the nostalgia filter. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

Conan the Adventurer – The Night of Fiery Tears

  

By Joshie Jaxon 

Greetings, geek fans! I started this post, and never actually finished it. I do the same thing with my gaming as well. I suffer from shiny kitten syndrome, and bad impulse control. Don’t worry, I always finish what I start, it just takes some time. I’ll dive right in with my original opening paragraph. Let the geeks begin! 

Conan, the mightiest warrior ever! His quest: to undo the spell of living stone cast upon his family by driving the evil serpent men back into another dimension and vanquishing their leader, the cruel wizard, Wrath-Amon. Once again, great voiceover. However, this was during the opening song. Kinda gives a major plot spoiler, but it does also give us his motivation, so I’m torn. Either way, we’ve got yet another show about a beefy man with a sword, who wears nothing but a cape, loincloth, earrings, and a necklace. Accessories are a girls best friend. 

   

We open with Conan and his grandpa on a campout of manly bonding. Gramps is telling a story of knights. Conan hears the rumble of horse hooves, and wonders if it’s the knights. Gramps tells him it’s a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plain. Conan says one day it won’t be horses, it will be knights, and he’ll lead them into battle. That’s right Christie, keep telling yourself that. Gramps looks to the sky and says it’s crying tears of fire. No, that’s meteorites. They start to crash into their campsite, and the two take off. They reach the edge of a cliff, and Conan says they have to jump. Gramps says he’s too old, and to leave him. Conan throws the old man on his back, tells him to hang on and leaps over the edge. He and gramps manage to make it to the other side. The fiery tears continue to rain down. Inexperienced boy that he is, Conan is running out in the open, while gramps seeks shelter and tries to get him to it. The meteor shower ends, and Conan goes to investigate a nearby crater. There’s a glowing rock inside that turns out to be made of metal; star metal. It’s worth pointing out that something fiery that just fell from the sky, and is made of what I’d assume is hot metal right now, was able to be picked right up without it burning. If Conan’s hands are already that calloused, I’d hate to see what his poor penis looks like after whacking off. This is an era with no lotion or lubrication, after all. 

   

Elsewhere, in a penis-shaped tower near a pyramid, a snake creature with arms is freaking the eff out about the sky falling and them all being doomed. Wrath-Amon tells Dregs that it’s only a few stars falling. Oh, is that all? Whew. It’s not like it’s not ancient Cimmerian, and they have google and science to tell him everything is ok. Fiery chunks falling out of the sky, not so good for dinosaurs, so let the little snake thing have his chicken little/henny penny moment. The black ring on Wrath-Amon’s hand starts to glow. He says that Set is summoning him, and he must go to the pyramid at once. 

  

Back in Conan’s village, he brings the last haul of star metal to his father, the blacksmith. Daddy says he and Conan will make weapons and tools like no man has ever seen. Mama says they’ll fetch a fine price at the merchant gathering next year. Conan is concerned about selling all of it. Daddy says that he’ll save some, star fighter. A name that implies he’s gonna fight stars, not fight with power from the stars. Oh well. 

In the pyramid, things are about to get freaky. Wrath-Amon approaches a giant snake statue, says he heeds Sets’ call, and uses the power of the black ring to open the sparkly red portal between worlds. He bids set to enter, that he may hear his commands. There’s a bit of lightning from the portal, and the snake statues eyes open. Set says he’s waited for these stars to fall for thousands and thousands of years, and that his liberation is at hand. Dregs is clinging to Wrath-Amon’s leg as he asks how that’s possible. Set says the stars are made of the same metal as the black ring. Set orders Wrath-Amon to build him seven great pyramids, with a disc of star metal atop each one. Only then can he be permanently freed from the Abyss, and enslave the Earth. Bottom line – Megalomaniacal snake deity wants to be free and rule us all. Everyone following along so far? Good. 

  

In the forge of blacksmithy goodness, daddy-Conan is putting the final strikes on a sword before cooling it. He says he will make no other swords from the star metal, as none could compare with what he just made. He tells Conan that it’s his sword, but he has to earn it. That’s right, daddy. Don’t just give it to me, make me earn it. Daddy takes him to the top of a mountain, and uses his barbarian strength to lift a stone lid off an altar. Conan is ordered to place the stone inside, and he can have the sword when he’s ready. Conan says he’s man enough now. Daddy tells him to prove it, and forces him to his knees to- Hey, they’re all muscled and in furry loincloths, I’m only human. What so you mean, “they’re animated”? I had no idea. I though I was watching real life this whole time. It’s a joke, people. Pull up your pants, and stay with me. Despite being young, Conan struggles to get it up. The stone lid, that is. Conan collapses against it, and his father laughs at him, stating a few years of working the forge will give him the muscles he needs. Working other things will also build up your arm strength.  

  

The time of the merchant gathering is upon us! That’s right, a year has already passed. Daddy-Conan is busy selling his wares. He tells his customers that they were made from stars that fell from the sky, that they’ll never dull, and can cut through anything. He’s given four gold coins for a dagger, as a shady character watches the transaction. Daddy asks where Conan is. Mama says he’s gone to see the horses. Actually, he’s strutting through town, looking like a beefcake centerfold. He sees some men struggling with a horse. No, it’s not a donkey show. One of the men draws a small crossbow, and Conan picks him up, calling him a coward. Conan cuts the black horse free and it runs off. The man turns his sights on Conan, saying he’ll pay. He fires his arrow, but manages to only hit a barrel of wine. Daddy-Conan comes running up and says that’s his son. The man say that he stole his horse. Daddy says he set loose a wild creature, and the man has no claim. He then destroys his crossbow. 

Meanwhile, shady character is sniveling before Wrath-Amon, telling him that the blacksmith had said his goods were made of stars. Wrath-Amon asks where to find the blacksmith. The weasel says in the northern mountains, where the Cimmerians life. Wrath-Amon orders his chariot prepared. 

  

In the soon to be doomed Cimmerian village, Conan and gramps are walking. Gramps says he can see the wanderlust is Conan’s eyes, and knows he’ll be leaving the village soon. He offers Conan a necklace he’d won in a battle against the Stygians, doing his best Liz Taylor he says it’s always brought him luck. In the night sky, a snake head shaped chariot, pulled by two-legged winged dragons descends. Gramps says it’s Wrath-Amon, and that his evil is legend. Wrath-Amon demands to see the blacksmith. Conan says he needs his sword, and gramps tells him to hurry. Wrath-Amon tells daddy to give him every piece of star metal he has. Daddy says he sold it all. He’s called a liar. Wrath-Amon says there must be more and to bring it out or he’ll tear the village apart piece by piece. The black ring glows, and he blasts a nearby hut. 

At the altar in the mountains, Conan struggles again to get the lid off. All that time worrying about his size, and he never bothered to work on his technique. Or, maybe think of a way to use leverage. Oh well. He grunts, and sweats, and power lifts it off. He takes and inch or so out of the sheath, pushes it back in, and heads back to the village. Maybe he did research technique. 

Daddy says that they’ll get nothing from him. Wrath-Amon says that he’ll make an example of him, with the spell of living stone. Gramps and Mama approach, and the smoke-filled sphere is tossed. All three of them are turned to stone. Not walking around, living, stone. Stone-stone. Statue-stone. That spell is a bit of an exaggeration. Unless “living stone” just means they’re alive, and aware of what’s going on, but are too stoned to do anything about it. I know, I’m terrible. 

   

Conan draws his sword, raising it above his head in full He-Man ripoff, and tells the wizard he’ll see who laughs last. Upon seeing the star metal sword, Wrath-Amon’s minions are ordered to retrieve it. However, upon getting close to it, the minions are revealed to be serpent men. Crom! After slicing through the enemies swords, Conan goes for a helm splitter, but this is the early 90’s and we have to think of the children, so the blade stops before connecting, and a portal opens above the minion before turning him into sparkles, and sending him through it, leaving his armor to fall to the ground like he was raptured. Conan dispatches the second serpent man and says snakes or men, nothing will stop him! Wrath-Amon knows discretion is best, and attempts to flee. Conan grabs the back of the chariot as it takes off. He climbs aboard and takes a swing. Wrath-Amon uses his X-23 claws to stop it, but the proximity to the sword causes him to be revealed as a serpent as well. He tells Conan that those who see the true face of Wrath-Amon must perish, and kicks him from the chariot. Conan shouts that he will find him! Wrath-Amon says he’ll destroy him first! 

  

Morning finds Conan kneeling before his family. He swears to Crom, guardian spirit of their tribe, that he will not rest until they are restored to flesh and blood. Again, that assumes such a thing can be done. I presume “living stone” means they can be restored to life from stone. Some villain, having a way to undo his evil deeds. Pansy ass, snake man. As Conan leaves the village he sees a heard of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plain. What? The last time I took this test they said the pictures could be whatever I wanted. Conan calls out to the horse he freed at market, and it stops for him. Then, without even asking permission, or knowing the horse’s status, Conan just bare backs him. He offers to call the horse Midnight, and is promptly thrown off. The same thing happens with Mighty Avenger. Thunder meets with a happy neigh, and they take off. A short time later they reach the entrance to the city. Thunder hits the breaks, and throws Conan off. Neigh means neigh. As Conan gets to his feet, a man in a blue cloak appears, telling him what he seeks isn’t there. Conan asks how the man knows his name. The man says he knows a lot of things, like the star metal sword, and about Wrath-Amon. Conan is instructed to go to the tomb of Epimetrius the sage, and the sign of the Phoenix will show him the way. Conan / Jean Grey crossover? Nah!

  

Next we see Conan riding a saddled and bridled Thunder. I think we’re supposed to infer that he bought them in the city. As they reach the mountains, Conan wonders how he’ll find the tomb. The clouds part, and cast a bird-like shadow on the mountainside. Conan looks for an entrance, but as is customary, he doesn’t find it until he stops looking. Then he tumbles into the tomb, where a torch is already burning. A four-armed rock creature, assumed to be the tomb guardian, decides to battle Conan. Why the guardian isn’t outside the tomb is beyond me. Conan cuts off two of this arms, and then splits him into rumble. He actually quips about being off to a rocky start. Blue cloak appears, and Conan wonders how he got there before him. Blue cloak just walks right through him. Conan calls him a ghost. Blue cloak says he’s the ghost of Epimetrius the sage, and this is his tomb. He tells Conan that it is the time of humans vs serpent men, and Conan is destined to be humanities greatest champion against the serpents of Set. 

Epimetrius says that thousands of years ago Set was ready to take over the world, but all the wizards gathered together and used their powers to banish him into the Abyss. His serpent men still walk among them, waiting for the return of their master. Conan says if Set is trapped, he shouldn’t be able to return. Epimetrius says that the star metal can set him free, so it must never fall into the wrong hands, like Wrath-Amon. Conan says his family was turned to stone, and asks if the spell can be undone. Blue cloak tells him that if he destroys Wrath-Amon’s black ring the spell will be broken. Before Conan can leave, Epimetrius says he’ll need a companion, and starts telling Needle to wake up. There’s a shield on the wall with a Phoenix emblem on in, but nothing live. The sage shouts at Needle to wake up this instant, explaining to Conan that he’s a fledgling Phoenix, only a hundred years old. The shield glows, and Needle emerges. He flies around and looks at Conan. Needle says he does want to go with big, dumb, barbarian. Epimetrius says if he doesn’t do many good deads, he’ll never grow up. Needle doesn’t care, and would rather sleep, so he returns to his shield. The sage tells Conan that he’ll come around, and to offer him a pomegranate. Most importantly, keep Needle a secret. Conan says he doesn’t want him. Blue cloak says he could always use a sturdy shield. In fact, it once belonged to a King of Atlantis. 

  

Back at the python pyramid, Wrath-Amon is telling Set how the star metal touched the serpent men and they vanished. Set says they were sent to the Abyss, and are trapped with him. He orders Wrath-Amon to get him the star metal, and to bring him Conan. 

Conan reaches another city, and assumes Thunder won’t follow him in there either. He leaves him, saying he’ll return after he’s finished with Wrath-Amon. Inside the city, there’s a pomegranate vendor, and Needle leaves the shield to go get one. Conan tells him he’s supposed to be a secret, and that he hasn’t any money to but him a pomegranate, but he will once he gets a job. Needle reminds him that he owes Needle a pomegranate, as he returns to the shield. A woman approaches Conan saying she heard him say he needs a job, and asks if he can sail. He says sure, despite not having an experience. She offers to take him to the inn to discuss the details, and to eat. At the inn, we see Conan finishing his food, and promptly pass out into it. A man emerges saying he thought the potion would never work. The lady says she gave him enough to put a bull to sleep. He says their master, Wrath-Amon will be pleased. Cut to Conan waking up on a Stygian slave ship, having to row for his life. Credits. 

  

There ya have it, yet another muscled man with a sword. Not that I’m complaining. No wonder we have so many gays now. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

Disney Dynasty – The Cookie Carnival 

  

By Joshie Jaxon 

Greetings, geek fans! Today I’ll be sharing one of my all time favorite Silly Symphonies. I adore cartoons like this one. Any time we get to see objects anthropomorphized, and doing comedic things, I’m in. Oddly, I’m not all that enthralled with the Toy Story franchise. That’s neither here nor there. The Cookie Carnival is from 1934, making it 82 years old, and it still holds up nicely. There are a few questionable choices, but given how the country was at the time, I’ll forgive them, but it won’t stop me from pointing them all out. Classic cartoons like this are what I live for, and we’re gonna break this one down like no other. Let the geeks begin! 

We open with a marching band of cookie men. It’s time for Cookie Town’s beauties on parade. To save explaining later, the entire world is made of cookies and treats. We good? Alright. There’s a chorus singing, here they come, freshly baked, covered with spice and candy flake, marching along in this parade, at the cookie carnival. I know it’s supposed to be just a cute song, but if these contestants were freshly baked, either they’re “special” cookies, or they just popped out of the oven. Either way, weird. Who’s making them? Animal crackers pull the first float into view, and we see Miss Peppermint. She’s serving up candy cane couture, and looks great. Isn’t a cookie though. Maybe the next one. Cookie penguins pull in Miss Cocoanut, serving up Eskimo realness, in coconut shavings. She could be a cookie under there. Next entry, in her banana peel car, Miss Banana Cake. Category is – is that hair gel, eleganza. She looks more like a bu-cake-ee, if you ask me. Groan all you want, there’s more perversion to come. Pun intended. Next up is Miss Strawberry Blonde, in her strawberry shortcake layered hoop skirt, and strawberry headpiece on her blonde hair. Get it? Moving on. The float behind her is Miss Peach, but it cuts away before we can see her. Sorry ’bout it. The next entry was the affirmative action entry for the parade. It’s Miss Licorice, pulled by her three black stereotypes. She’s serving up short skirt, head wrapped, not racist for it’s day, realness. Normally, I like to only have one picture a paragraph, so it’s my writing, not the visuals that take center stage, however, you have to see these pageant queens, so I’m going to include them all. You’re welcome. 

  

  

  

  

  

Now, during all of that Sugar Ball extravaganza, the song also let us know that they are going to be crowning a cookie queen. The Eskimo is the only one that might, MIGHT, be an actual cookie. Anyhow, we see a hobo cookie walking down the candy cane train tracks, whistling. He hears a homely looking cookie girl crying, and spiffs up to go introduce himself. You’re a hobo, and she’s a Cinderella style hot mess. Why are you trying to look impressive? He asks her why she’s so sad. She says she wants to be in the parade, but doesn’t have any pretty clothes to wear. She could enter as Miss Test Cookie. You know, the one that probably isn’t good, but lets you perfect things so the rest turn out alright. I’m assuming, that is. We always ate the cookie dough growing up, and it rarely made it to cookie form. 

  

Hobo Higgins decides he’s going to turn Cookie Doolittle into the cookie queen. First he grabs some nearby taffy, plops it on her head, and styles it up real nice. Next, he grabs a cupcake, turns it upside down, and uses the wrapper as the foundation for the dress. A nearby marshmallow is used as a powderpuff. What happens next is the most awesome piece of vintage cartoon innocence that Joshie totally takes out of context and makes into something dirty ever. Hobo Higgins grabs an eclair, and proceeds to squirt the creme filling all over Cookie Doolittle to make her dress. Yes, I’m serious. Yes, I’m giggling. Yes, I’m going to show it. In a second. Next he does the same with some jelly-filled, to give the dress a little color. He adds a purple bow in the back, and sprinkles candy hearts along the dress. Finally, he rubs his thumb on a candy heart, and uses it as blush on her cheeks, before having her kiss it to get the perfect heart-shaped lips. With her makeover complete, he eats the heart, and uses a lollipop to show her how pretty she is. It’s so good that Hobo Higgins came along. Lord knows that in 1934 a woman couldn’t do anything on her own, let alone give herself a makeover with nearby materials. Nope, without him, Cookie Doolittle would have just sat there crying as her eggs dried up. Assuming there were eggs in her recipe. 

  

Back at the parade we see Miss Pineapple Upside Down Cake pass by, as the judges shake their heads, and cross off her name on their boards. Lil Pound Cake must have been shown while we were witnessing the makeover. Another entry we can’t see passes by and they cross her off too. At least make them lip sync for her lives! We see the tail end of Miss Orange Crush’s float, followed by a muffin with a sign saying The End. Hobo Higgins shoves him out of the way, making Cookie Doolittle the final entry. Though, given the fact the judges have clipboards with the contestants on them, tells me she shouldn’t be eligible. They see her, and are all gagging on her eleganza; her cookie is on fire! They declare her the queen, and their judges booth breaks. All three run up to her, shoving Hobo Higgins aside. He’s then trampled by the Cookie Town crowd. The chorus starts singing about hailing the cookie queen. They march her to the layer cake at what I’ll assume is the center of town. They unroll a jelly roll from bottom to top to act as the red carpet. After seating her on the throne, and crowning her, they immediately declare that the queen must have a King. Cause again, 1934 and a woman can’t do Jack unless she’s got a man to help her along, in case there’s some thinking to do. I don’t know if cookie queen is their ruler, or if it’s strictly a pageant thing like at homecoming, but given what comes next, I’m gonna assume that it’s a ruling position, not just a fun title. 

  

The judges say that the candy-dates, yay, puns!, are waiting, and they have no time to lose. They raise the curtain, and tell her to pick any one she chooses. I don’t know why she needs to have a man right this minute. Perhaps if they see an unescorted woman in power too long, it might give the others ideas, and we can’t have that. On with the men! Each candy-date gets a song to plead their case. Don’t worry, I’ll be showing all of them too. First up, the Dandy Candy Kids. They have cookie faces, and candy cane limbs. They sing about how she’s won their heart, and if she’s smart, she’ll pick one of them. Next up, the Old Fashioned Cookies, like mother used to bake. She’s the only girl they love, and suggest she give one of them a break. Um, she was just crowned, and you know nothing of her. How can you love her already? Whatever. Next up, the Angel Food Cake, they want it understood that she should marry one of them, because they are so good. I swear these two are supposed to be gay. They have soft voices, and skirt style outfits. Maybe I’m reading too much into it. Then again, they did curtsy at the end. Next, in direct contrast to the prior act, Devil’s Food Cake. They’re naughty, but they’re nice. They’re nice, and naughty. Yeah, man! We get it, Bro, you’re straight. Next up, the Upside Down Cakes. Although they’re topsy-turvy, they’re head over heels in love. Again, how can they love her? During their act, Hobo Higgins is chased by the guards, and hides under the stage. The final act is the Jolly Rum Cookies. The have the hiccups, and with each one, they end up swapping noses. Cookie Doolittle giggles, and shakes her head no. The judges say they’ve tried their best to find her a King, and wonder what to do. Each one suggests they be the one to marry her. Then one says maybe she should marry all three. It’s like old school Mormonism, but with cookies, and multiple husbands instead of sister wives. It’s cookie lust, I swear. They know what her dress is made of, know she’s into bu-cake-ee, and want to party. Pervs! 

  

  

  

  

  

   

As the judges are busy trying to convince Cookie Doolittle to marry them, Hobo Higgins has been sneaking up under the jelly roll to escape the guards. Which, if they hadn’t been so desperate for a queen, would know that he’s the one who was pulling her in the parade. The guards smack him on the head, as he emerges, turning his hat into a crown. The jelly roll breaks, looking like a royal cloak. You see where this is going. Cookie Doolittle speaks up and tells them not to crown the King that way. They all immediately start cheering for their King, cause they’re raging hypocrites. The citizens of Cookie Town start partying in the streets. There’s a candle shining though colored lollipops. Donuts dunking themselves in coffee. They’re kinky like that. Miss Jello is shaking like it’s nobodies business. Or it’s the palsy. Hobo Higgins and Cookie Doolittle share a smooch. Realize they can be seen, and put up a clear lollipop to shield them. Their next kiss melts it. Dirty cookies. 

   

You’re welcome to watch it for yourselves, so you know I’m not making any of it up. The one question left unanswered, is that if Hobo Higgins has such great makeover skills, why does he wander around like a bum? Be a pageant consultant. The year he lost, was to some Lady Fingers the judges liked. You can’t beat that. Yes, I went there. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

  

Wolverine and the X-Men – Hindsight, Part 1

  

By Joshie Jaxon 

Greetings, geek fans! Time for the third of my X-Men themed posts. Now, I know the next two series aren’t exactly old enough to be considered retro, but they’re just so fun that I can’t ignore them. Also, I promised four posts, and you’re gonna get four posts. I’m a giver like that, so just lie back and take what I’m about to give ya. If you’re having difficulties getting through it, or find yourself ready to end before my post does, just think of England. Let the geeks begin! 

  

Unlike the last two series, the opening credits don’t have the Mouseketeer role call during them. Yes, we get to see the characters, but it’s a more tonal piece, than a here’s their name kinda thing. We can see from the state of the credits, that the MRD is rounding up mutants, one of which is Marrow, who I mentioned in my Evolution post. Then we see the various X-Men using their abilities against the mutant-hating humans. The series’ official cast is Wolverine, Cyclops, Angel, Emma Frost, Nightcrawler, Storm, Iceman, Shadowcat, and Beast. As we’re about to see, there are several others as well. Having seen the series I could explain why they’re not in the credits, but, spoilers. 

Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, afternoon. Outside, children are playing and having fun, as Storm and the professor take a stroll. No hover chair in this version either. Wonder why the 90’s were so special. We cut inside to the Danger Room. Do you have your checklist? That’s three for three on DR sightings in the premier. However, no one is in there by accident, Kitty and Colossus appear to be training. She phases through a wall and leaves Peter stuck between it and another that’s closing in. As she comments that he’s being schooled by a girl, a metal tentacle snatches her up, and holds her high off the ground. Colossus laughs that school is out, as he escapes the wall trap. Then we see Nightcrawler teleport in, and away from some laser blasts. Kitty shouts for one of them to get her down. Kurt teleports up to her and suggests she phases. Kitty says she does want to fall on her face, and asks for help. Kurt says she an X-Man and to do it herself, as he teleports away. Have I mentioned I love Nightcrawler? Peter smashes a laser, and looks pleased, until a giant magnet captures him. He doesn’t revert to flesh in time to avoid being hoisted up. He says, hello kitty, and I giggle. Nightcrawler BAMFs in and says five more seconds and he wins. On cue, he gets splattered by some goo that sticks him to the ceiling, and gets in his hair, and no, it’s not white. Kitty asks what happened. Peter looks at the control room and says HE happened. Logan gets on the mic and tells them it was his way of saying goodbye. Goodbye? But the show is called Wolverine and the X-Men. We kinda need Wolverine. Kitty says he better run. Then realizes they’re still trapped. She shouts for him to get them down. Logan? LOGAN?! 

  

Logan steps out the front door, and makes a face. We see Scott and Jean arguing. He wants to know how many times he needs to say he’s sorry. Jean says Logan is the one he needs to apologize to. Scott says he knows. Jean blows Logan a kiss, and waves. He waves back, and heads over to his motorcycle. Beast is sitting under a tree, and states he didn’t want to miss Logan. Logan asks where Rogue is. Thanks for caring about Beast, jerk. Now he’s glad you’re going. Hank says for reasons beyond his understanding, Rogue doesn’t like the thought of him leaving. Angsty woman that she is, she’s at the edge of a cliff, staring out at the ocean. Logan asks if she’s gonna say goodbye. No. He says he’ll be back. She says why bother. Maybe she’ll just leave too. Logan says this place is her home. No, not when he’s not there, which is most of the time. I miss 90’s southern sexpot Rogue. This one says Logan is like her family, since they’re the same. She runs off, and Wolverine lowers his head. She’ll get over it, Logan. Maybe she’ll absorb someone with a spine some day. Back at the front of the mansion, Storm and the professor are still watching the kids play, as Logan approaches. The professor gets a look on his face, then grabs his head. As Logan rushes over, the professor looks over at Jean, who is also experiencing something. Scott asks what’s wrong. Cut to Logan running, a blinding flash, and then nothing. 

  

One year later, Wolverine wakes up from a nap, having presumably been dreaming about the events of that day. A convoy of RVs, wait, is convoy the right word for that? I say it is. A convoy of RVs goes by, and a little girl waves at Logan. He waves back, then gets on his bike. The RVs went left at the crossroad, so to avoid family fun time, Logan goes right. There’s an explosion in the direction of the RVs. Logan watches in the mirror. Pan to the flaming wreckage. A non-Jean redhead is being removed from the destruction. Her African-American husband is walked out as well. Erica? Where’s Erica? She’s still inside! Cause of course she is. Fire extinguishers aren’t putting out the blaze. What the hell happened? Gas tankard on a train, perhaps? There’s an explosion, and the dad yells his daughter’s name. Logan pulls up, and throws off his helmet, rushing towards the fiery RV. One of the workers says it’s too dangerous. Wolverine shoves him aside, and said not for him, as he pops out the claws. The yuppies with the sweaters around their shoulders watch on. Logan cuts an opening in the RV, and finds Erica under some debris, holding her teddy bear. From the yuppie standpoint, there’s an explosion. Non-Jean redhead falls to her knees and sobs. Cut to however long later, as she and her husband sit under a blanket crying. Workers move a large sheet of metal, and find the mutant. There’s a girls arm sticking out as well. The parents are elated that she’s ok. They discover Wolverine is alive. The dad says to spread a blanket so they can move him. Um, I’m no EMT, but as a general rule, don’t you generally try to avoid moving injured people? The dad and his friend pick up and move Logan. A man whose bones are covered with the strongest metal on Earth, and would presumably be pretty heavy. Nah, they got this. The dad, Randy, thanks him for saving his little girl. White yuppie, Carl, says he’s the MRD’s problem now. Randy can’t believe he turned him in. He’s got razors in his hands. Sound argument. Randy says they won’t find him there. They secure Logan’s bike to their RV, and drive off. White yuppie Carl does not look pleased. 

  

In the RV, non-Jean redhead notices that Logan is already healing. Erica tells him to please wake up. Logan opens his eyes, and we get a POV of Erica’s fuzzy face. Logan remembers the other black girl he knows, and flashes back to Storm and the professor just before the blinding flash. This time we see some of the aftermath. Kids carrying each other. Scott shouting for Jean. Storm, with clothes, but not shoes, intact, kneeling over a crater that has Xavier’s wheelchair in it. Logan wakes up in a house, and pops his claws right near Erica’s face. It sounds dirtier than it is. She says he’s safe. He asks where he is. She says they’re at her house, as she gives him a glass of water. Erica comments on Logan healing so fast, and says her dad suggested he’d want to avoid the hospital. Smart move. Non-Jean redhead gets a call from Mrs. Kravitz, ok not really, but she tells her neighbor it isn’t her business who stays at their house. Wolverine sighs, as he hears the choppers and sirens. He opens his bag, and we see his Wolverine outfit. Category is, super hero eleganza. Meanwhile, the MRD busts down the door, and storms up the stairs. The only thing they find is an open window. Outside, attention grabbing, fear mongering, white yuppie Carl is repeating that he’s got razors in his hands. The MRD asks the family where he is. Where who is? The MRD isn’t playing, and places them under arrest for harboring a fugitive mutant. From the rooftop, in full Wolvie glory, the claws come out, and two “officers” go down. I put them in quotes cause I don’t know if they’re government sanctioned in this universe or not. The chief MRD gets the family into the helicopter, cause after all, the suburbs don’t have a local mutant jail cell, and says they can deal with Wolverine. Um, if they are fighting the guy they’re after, why still punish the family that has no evidence but a yuppie’s word that he was harbored there? Stupid small-dicked, power hungry, supremacists. White isn’t right, you know. They must be mad cause it’s a mixed race family. Here I thought mutants were the only enemy. Oh well, one day they’ll evolve. Oh wait, they have. Homo superior will see them gone some day. Until then, flex your power, and fight your extinction, boys. They try to net and gas Wolverine, who gets free and asks who wants some. Able to recognize the danger of a confrontation, they order a retreat. Wolverine tries to jump to the copter, misses, but throws something at the propellor to make it crash. Right on serves you right white yuppie Carl’s car. Justice! 

  

At the MRD facility, a group of them walk past cells containing Wolfsbane, Abomination, and Boom Boom, before stopping at the family’s cell. They ask about the mutant. Erica says they don’t know what he’s talking about. He says his name is Wolverine, and he’s dangerous. Erica says he isn’t, the man steps into the light and we see three scars across his face, and he angrily says, yes he is! 

At the ruins of Xavier’s school, Logan pulls up on his bike, why things are still in ruin after a year is beyond me. Maybe without Xavier around signing checks, no one bothered to clean it up. At any rate, Logan walks the grounds, until he picks up a scent, he lifts a giant slab, revealing a passageway. He pops the claws, and jumps down, using them to slow his decent. We see Beast at a microscope, taking notes. As he goes back to look, Logan takes his pad and asks what he’s working on. Beast gets startled, and asks if he always has to make an entrance. Logan tells him to learn to relax. Beast says with Jean and Charles unaccounted for, he can’t think of anything else. Beast says the explosion was centered on Charles’ position, so he was the likely target. Logan asks the cause. Hank says it defies classification. There was no combustion, chemical reaction, radiation, or electro magnetism. It rules out the MRD, and probably Magneto too. Hank wants to know why Logan stopped by. Logan says the Marties are out of control, and snatched a family just for helping him. He has to make it right. Beast declines, and suggests Logan try the others. Logan doesn’t know where anyone else is. He asks Hank again, and gets a yes, since Logan generally doesn’t ask for help. 

  

In the city, we see a billboard that reads, “a personal invitation to all mutants, to live in peace, paradise, prosperity; Genosha.” Apparently in this world, Magneto doesn’t need asteroid M, he’s got prime real estate here on Earth. Nice to see he’s moved up a bit in the world. It certainly beats lurking behind the scenes. Also, scorecard moment. Slight Magneto appearance, without being the focal point of the episode. 

  

In an MRD truck, one of them asks the other what’s wrong with the radar. The other responds it’s busted. It can pick up a mutant, but can’t tell if it’s two feet away or two miles. Wait, the humans have the ability to detect mutants? Why does Charles even have cerebro if the freaking human nazis have a device that can track their prey? That’s messed up. Hunt mutants the old fashioned way. Logan knocks out the Marties, and takes Hank as a prisoner to their facility. Don’t ask me where he left the unconscious humans, he didn’t care, and neither do I. Hank says the prisoner section smells. Logan says prisoners shouldn’t ride in the front. Beast thrashes in the back as Logan checks in at the gate. He says he’s hauling a big hairy beast, and to hurry up, so it doesn’t bust out. Inside the facility, Hank is struggling to get his shackles on, when the back is opened, and the Marties take aim at him. Beast assures them he’s a pacifist. Wolverine knocks them both out, then asks Hank if the cuffs chaffed. Hank swears he was trying to put them back on. Clearly Logan’s had a kinkier sex life than Hank has. He says, let’s go, Chewie. Hank is sent to find the prisoner area, while Logan takes care of the guards. Elsewhere, Randy is taken to an interrogation room. Scar face asks him about Wolverine. Randy says he’s a hero. Scar face says he’s in a sensory assault helmet, and asks again. Randy says he’s the one people should watch out for, not the mutants. Scar face pushes the button and Randy screams. Beast runs into a Martie and asks if it needs to be a fight. He’s forced to knock him out. In the control room, Hank hangs from the ceiling, and tells the guards there are two ways to handle it. Cut to them being kicked out of the room. Logan walks in and Hank says it was their choice. He didn’t say a word. Randy is returned to his cell, and non-Jean redhead says they’re animals. Scar face says maybe Erica knows something. Beast and Wolverine approach, and Beast asks easy way or hard way. Wolverine growls, and slashes at scar face’s gun. He throws him up against the wall, and says the great line, hard way it is. We know you like it hard, Logan. What, with your healing factor, you could probably take the biggest there is and not suffer any rectal trauma. Yes, I said it. Moving on. 

  

Wolverine tells scar face to leave the nice family alone, and pressed the button on the sensory assault chair that he’s in. Atta boy! The X-Duo free the family, and the captive mutants, and manage to steal a helicopter. As they take off, Logan asks if anyone can blow the hangar. Pyro tells Boom Boom to light it up. She produces three fireballs, and he sends them flying. Two jets take off. Fireballs aren’t stopping those. There’s a mutant named Dust, who turns to, well, dust, and goes after the jets, clogging their engines. Dust gets back on the mighty mutant Martie copter, as Wolverine stares down at an enraged, yet free, scar face. This ain’t over. 

  

At a remote cabin, Logan is telling Randy and family that in a few weeks the Marties will lose interest in them. Erica tells him not to leave. He has to. It’s time he went home. Back at the ruined mansion sub-basement, Logan is looking for Hank, who surprises him. Logan says to say something when sneaking up on a guy. Um, doesn’t Wolverine have super sensitive hearing, and sense of smell? He could smell Hank underground earlier. Shouldn’t have have “seen” Hank coming a mile away? Whatever, it was for comedy. Logan’s asks where the other mutants are. Hank says they went their own way, though the cells they freed, will be full again tomorrow. Logan says a war is coming. Hank agrees. What’s next? We bring back the X-Men. Credits
  

Let’s recap. Prof. X, Logan, Scott, Jean, Storm, Rogue, Magneto cameo, and Danger Room. Check! Beast is in Evolution, but isn’t a regular until later on, still counts though. Keep your scorecards ready for the next post. We’ll be able to see what staples there are between all the X-Series. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

  

X-Men: Evolution – Strategy X

  

By Joshie Jaxon 

Greetings, geek fans! I’m here to bring you the second of our X-Men animated series reviews. This one is on X-Men: Evolution. A lot of hardcore fans didn’t like this series, while others did. I think it’s because of the high school element. People didn’t want to see their characters as whiny teens. Personally, I enjoy any chance to see my main Marvel mutants in action. Plus, we can now begin comparisons between this series and the prior one. I’ll be doing that with each new entry. Maybe at the end I will post a battle royale and leave it for the fans to decide. Let the geeks begin! 

Even though there’s an opening scene before the credits, I’m gonna comment on them first to avoid distraction from the plot. Like X-Men ’92, we get an intro to each character, although not all of them are in this episode. Oops, Spoilers. Anyhow, we’ve naturally got Cyclops, then Jean Grey, who once again doesn’t get any kind of code name. I’m guessing her identity isn’t as important to protect as the others. Next up, Spyke. Side note, someone recently commented on the Deadpool trailer that Spyke is traditionally male. To that person I say, there is a female character in the Marvel Universe that has bones growing all over and can use them as weapons. Her name is Sarah, aka Marrow. Do your research before you upset the community as a whole. Where was I? Oh yes, Wolverine, of course. Followed by Storm, Rogue, Shadowcat, and my main man, Nightcrawler. Any series featuring Nightcrawler automatically ranks high for me. After Spider-Man’s metabolism and agility, and Wolverine’s healing factor, teleporting is the power I’d want most. I get sidetracked easily. You know this by now. On with the show. 

  
We open with cheerleaders and a football game. Something so many of us comic fans can relate to. They’re just pandering to the straight fans. It’ll get good real soon. The lead sports guy, Duncan, gets slammed into by other guys and everyone cheers. It’s like the Roman Coliseum, but in Ancient Greece. That wouldn’t make for kid-friendly tv. Back on topic. Jean takes his picture, but it isn’t for the yearbook, it’s for her private collection. Ugh, why to straight people have to flaunt their lifestyle like that. There are impressionable kids watching that may try experimenting with heterosexuality because they saw it on tv. America is doomed, and we’re only forty-five seconds in. In the stands, Scott is fumbling a quarter though his fingers. I’m gonna peak in high school and end up a gas jockey for life, Duncan, sees “Toady” Tolansky picking pockets, and rather than telling the security guy that’s right there, he and his cronies decide to handle it. Since Bayville is currently winning, their coach excuses them. I wonder what the coach thinks they’re going off to do. Quick circle jerk in the locker room? Is it a circle if it’s only three people? Triangle jerk just sounds weird. I’ll ponder on this. Scott drops his quarter, but sees Toad picking pockets from underneath the bleachers. His friend, who isn’t named, asks if they should call the cops. Nark. Scott says he’ll keep that option open. Duncan and his goons threaten to crush Toad. Scott tells them not to, suggesting Toad can just give back the cash. Duncan asks why he cares. Scott’s not crazy about three on one. Clearly he’s never been to Babylon on fetish night. They throw Toad into the mud. Scott intervenes, and Toad literally hops away. Duncan falls in the mud, and in his cro magnon rage goes after Scott. Jean shows up, and despite being able to read minds to know what’s up, shouts at Scott not to fight, which gets him punched in the face. His glasses fall off, and the eye beams come out, hitting a nearby propane tank, and causing an explosion. 

  
Firemen, police, and Professor X show up. Under the bleachers, Jean says “it’s too hot to touch, at least with my hands”. I swear there’s an adult film that starts with that exact same line. Jean finds Scott’s surprisingly non-melted glasses under a burning piece of rubble, and gives them to Scott, who promptly puts them on his face. They’re both kinda stupid. Jean tells Scott to split, as we see a medic examining Duncan. Fortunately he has a concussion, and doesn’t remember what happened. As the cop looks around, and starts to announce what he thinks happened, the professor uses his powers to make him think there was a problem with the gas line. Let’s think this through, since Charles didn’t. A normal, human, police officer, who doesn’t know what a mutant is, isn’t going to leap to the conclusion that a student used his optic blast by mistake, and blew up the snark bar. Maybe if Charlie had checked the cop’s mind to see what he was thinking, he wouldn’t have needed to meddle at all. Jean asks Duncan if he’s ok. Duncan admits he has a skull like concrete. Scott watches with obvious longing. Toad approaches him, and thanks him for what he did. Being a teenager, Scott sulks off. Toad eats a fly out of the air. Bleh. The professor says things are under control, and tells his driver, Storm, they need to go. I’m sure there’s some racism in there somewhere. Sexism too. Anyhow, they go to the train station to pick up a cloaked boy named Kurt. 

  
Elsewhere, the next day, we see a motorcycle driving through a forested area. The driver stops at a mom n pop store, and sees a newspaper about the explosion. Pop asks if he’s gonna buy the paper. Logan says yes, and a cold water. Pop starts in about the unusually warm weather, and we hear a slice off camera. Wolverine downs his water and tells pop to recycle the glass. As he leaves, we see that Sabertooth is watching him. Furry stalker. 

At the X-mansion, Scott wants Jean to get out of the bathroom, but she’s busy primping. Whoa, mutants have problems just like the rest of us. This is so relatable. Scott threatens to blow the door down, and Jean opens it like he’s the tardy one. Before they can leave for school, the professor calls them to his office. He introduces them to Kurt. Scott offers him a handshake, but Kurt moves away. The professor tells him he’s among friends. Kurt removes his blue, three fingered, hand from his pocket, and shakes hands with Scott. Prof. X say he set up his school for gifted youngsters whose talents aren’t always an asset. Scott asks if he heard about the prior night. Not admitting he was there, the professor says it was on all the news channels. Scott says it was an accident. The professor says he’s lucky the true cause wasn’t discovered. Scott says he’s packing a bazooka behind each eyeball, and asks what he wants. Control, which is what he’s there to learn. The professor turns to Kurt, and explains Scott’s power. Jean asks Kurt if he has a special gift, implying beyond the blue appearance. Kurt teleports to the other side of the room, and says, maybe. 

  
At the school, Toad is waiting outside the principal’s office. She looks like the kind of fierce diva bitch that adult gay men love, as long as their bitchcraft isn’t directed at them. Principal Darkholm holds her nose as Toad walks by, and opens a window. It’ll be a running gag the rest of the episode. She asks about his new friend, Scott Summers. Toad says he’s cool, and he saved him from the jocks. The principal says he’s got powers, and there are others like him. She wants him to find out more. Toad doesn’t wanna be a rat. The principal’s hand changes to claws, and she yells at him to do as he’s told. 

  
Back at the X-Mansion, Kurt is marveling at the size of his enormous, er, room. He can’t believe how big it is, and that it’s all his. The professor says his parents sent him there to be happy. Storm sets a package on the bed. Out of context, this sounds like the start of some weird, interracial, cripple porn. Kurt says he can’t be happy looking like he does. He frightens people. The professor hands him a watch. When he puts it on, Kurt becomes an average white teenager. I’m guessing Charles went with white cause Kurt had already been harassed for being a different color, and didn’t wanna give him flashbacks. Kurt is happy to look normal. All five fingers flex on their own. After this episode, index and middle move together, as do ring and pinky. Storm says he was already normal as his natural self. Kurt is still overjoyed. They leave him to explore his new look in the mirror. We see Kurt open the box, and reveal his X-Men uniform. 

  
At school, Scott is getting ready for lunch when Toad approaches him, and leaps on top of the lockers. Toad snatches Scott’s glasses with his tongue, and says Scott should open his eyes. Scott says they both know what will happen if he does. So, does Scott shower after gym with the glasses on? If so, I find it very hard to believe that he’s never had an accident up until the previous night. High school kids are brutal and single out anything that isn’t their homogenized version of normal. Anyhow, Toad eats Scott’s lunch in one slurp, and says they should talk sometime. In the X-Mansion, the professor gets an alert that a mutant is using it’s powers openly. The phone rings, and the professor greets Scott before he can say hi. Scott says he’s creeped out by that, and Xavier apologizes. Scott tells him about Toad being like them, though he has the hygiene of a dead pig. The professor says he’ll see about letting Toad join them. Kurt enters the room, and sees Toad on the monitor. The professor explains about cerebro being able to identify mutants. Kurt asks if he’s one of them. The professor says maybe. He speaks telepathically to Storm, who is watering her plants with rainwater, to see if she’ll audition someone for him. 

  
That night, Toad, in his own uniform I might add, hops up to the mansion gate. He leaps it in one jump. Storm steps outside, summons some weather, and tries to zap toad with lightning. Luckily, she doesn’t ask what happens to a toad when it’s stuck by lightning. Let’s all pretend that horrible line was never spoken in the movie. Speaking of, with the exception of Spyke and Nightcrawler, this team is basically the team from the X-Men movie. Just throwing that out there. The wind blows a door open, and also blows Toad right into Nightcrawler. Toad asks if he’s a ratty plush toy. Kurt says he reeks like unwashed lederhosen. Ooh, German burn! Wait, that’s a historically bad thing. Never mind. Toad leaps at Nightcrawler, who teleports away. The two begin chasing and taunting each other through the mansion. Why do the kids always roughhouse when it rains? Storm enters, and Xavier says that Tolansky could be an X-Man. Storm says his heart blinds him. Nightcrawler and Toad continue their chase, knocking things off the walls, and breaking a bust. Xavier tells them the test if over, and Toad is welcome to join them if he wants. The only thing Toad wants is Nightcrawler’s head. I hear he’s the talk of the underground gloryhole scene in Düsseldorf. Toad latches on to Kurt, and in his panic as they fall, he teleports them into the Danger Room. 

  
Nightcrawler asks where they are. Toad says he should know, since he brought them there. The defense system activates, and the two begin to freak. The professor telepathically tells Scott and Jean that Kurt and Toad are in there. Scott says it’ll attack with everything it’s got. Um, why would that happen? If the control room isn’t even in the DR proper, what exactly could an intruder do just standing in there? Why would it need to try and essentially murder anyone that stumbled into it? Good luck mind wiping those memories away, Chuck. Toad screams, as he and Kurt try to dodge giant scissors, lightning, and laser blasts. I’m gonna assume that it’s able to detect that these were mutant intruders, cause if a regular human was in there, they’d be dead by now. Scott and Jean hit the scene. Scott takes out the cannons, while Jean saves Kurt. He calls her and angel. She asks if he’s a demon. Toad nearly gets crushed, but Scott saves him. Meanwhile, Storm and Xavier hit the control room, and he uses a voice code to disable security. That’s great and all, but in a world where Mystique exists, a voiceprint isn’t that secure. Besides, they have image inducer watches, but he can’t disable security from his non-hover wheelchair? Whatever. During the five second delay before the kill room stops trying to kill, Nightcrawler realizes that it is a training room. Toad has seen enough, and wants out. Nightcrawler apologizes for messing up, and teleports away. 

  
On his way off the property, Toad runs into Logan, literally. Snikt, and Toad is ready to wet himself. The professor tells Logan to let him go. Logan smelled trouble, but maybe it was stink boy. Poor Toad. Meanwhile, Nightcrawler is in the hangar and is looking at the Blackbird. Cyclops enters, and starts bro-ing out over how fast it is, and the firepower. Nightcrawler asks if it’s his. Scott says it’s theirs, and if Kurt sticks around, he’ll show him how to fly it. Kurt says he almost got Scott killed. Scott laughs it off, and says not to do it again, but that’s what they’re there to learn; how not to make those mistakes. Kurt asks if Scott minds the way he looks. Scott says as long as he’s not hassled about his shades, they’re cool. 

  
At Bayville High, we hear the principal yelling, and all the bikes outside fall over. She can’t believe he was inside, and he ran away. Toad says he freaked. She says the professor probably wiped his mind so he can’t remember a thing. Toad shakes his head. Clearly he remembers enough to know he freaked out, but not why. Weird. She orders him out of the office, closes the door, and screams as she shifts into her Mystique look. We hear a voice telling her not to be too hard on the boy. Paper clips start moving around on their own. We see Magneto’s form outside the window, saying this is only the beginning. 

  
Speaking of voices, as fans of the blog will know, I love me some good voiceover talent. Evolution has several of my favs, one of which plays Nightcrawler. More than that though, is that three characters on this show are also in Death Note. Nightcrawler, Cyclops, and Mystique play Light, Mikami, and Rem, respectively. Just another fun tidbit. Now, for those keeping score between ’92 and Evolution, let’s recap. We have accidental Danger Room, and a glimpse of Sabertooth, and Magneto in episode one, check. Xavier, Scott, Jean, Logan, Storm, and Rogue as regulars in the series, check. Jean not having a code name, check. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing!