Glorious Girls of Gaming – Newsreader

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-by Bevianna Bones

Ahhh, the precious memory of one of the most glorious gals of gaming of all time. Newsreader. Yep that’s her name, it’s sad really because she is so much more than a generic title. It’s like if we called Jill Valentine the Master of Unlocking instead. Every game should have a crazed Russian woman telling you what to do. Imagine if Navi had a thick poorly done Russian accent…that would have been amazing, and that is why Newsreader is so inspiring. Newsreader deserves more. For purposes of this article I’m going to call her Elena. Thus inspired by a real life crazy Russian girl I once worked with.

Elena appears in 1995’s Krazy Ivan, which came out as one of the launch titles for the original PlayStation; it was also available for Sega Saturn and PC. Windows 95 baybuh!! The one thing nearly all video games had in common in this era of gaming was the introduction of full motion video, or FMV.  Not all games did it right, but Ivan knew what was up. This game hit the nail on the head. An openish world mech game (the mech looked like a giant Wall-E or R.O.B. from the NES days), the FMV scenes were not only well acted, as far as games go, but they held a brilliantly twisted sense of humor.

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Elena is a key element throughout the game, telling Ivan, aka you, about each level, helps progress the story, shares enemy Intel (or course, she’s Russian), and gives you recognition for a job well done. All the while with a ridiculous accent and underlying sexual tones.  “Great job, you really ran rings around him…keep it up!”  “Nice work commander! Keep it moving!!” “He’s slow, but not as big as he looks”. Ok, well maybe that’s just me being a pervert. It’s possible.

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I would have loved to see a sequel to Krazy Ivan, or a crossover of Elena in other games. She would have been perfect for any game featuring any kind of radio command station. Imagine her in Resident Evil 4, or Metal Gear Solid, or Uncharted. Shame on Sony for not making her an unlockable in PlayStation All-Stars. That would have been truly glorious.

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-BB

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