By Joshie Jaxon

I am Adam, Prince of Eternia. Defender of the secrets of Castle Grayskull. This is Cringer, my fearless friend. Fabulous se- Damn, I hate it when my voiceover gets interrupted by blasters. This ain’t your daddy’s He-Man. Well, I suppose it could be, depending on your age. All I mean is, this ain’t the page boy haircut, pink tunic, purple tights and undies He-Man of the 80’s. There may not be as much homoerotic content as the previous incarnation. And no, I don’t mean The New Adventures of He-Man. I have it, but can’t bring myself to watch it yet. I’ll just focus on this one, even though it’s a tad too new to be retro. Let the geeks begin! 

  

Pristine palace of fantastic phallusness. A band of five warriors walks to the entrance of the inner sanctum. The guards stop them, naturally. The leader removes his helmet, and is identified as Captain Randor. He and his crew are allowed inside. They take a knee before the elders. I swear that happened in a missionary porn too. Never mind. Randor apologizes for the intrusion, but Keldor is making his move on the capital. The elders need to evacuate or all the power of Eternia will belong to Keldor. The elders tell Randor that he will defeat the villain, and rule in the elder’s place, as King. Kneel before elders, get a crown. Maybe we should stop ignoring the daddies that troll us on websites. Nah.

  

The wall explodes, and Evil-Lyn, Keldor and company storm the chamber. Keldor is serving up all kinds of blue skinned, long dark hair, goatee, warrior realness. Sexy, blue skinned villain, half brother destined to be King… Michele, what does that remind you of? Sounds a bit like Loki & Thor. Maybe that’s just me. By the way, sorry for the possible spoiler to those of you who may not be well-versed in Eternian history. Actually, no I’m not. Keldor & Randor are related. That’ll make things all the more interesting for the rest of the series. There’s no drama like family drama. 

  

Where was I? Oh yes, Keldor and Randor’s forces face off with one another. Someone activated the fog machine, cause I can’t imagine the inner sanctum of the elders would have any dust to kick up. Speaking of the elders, the disappear in a flash. Literally. Keldor and Randor clash, and Keldor says he’s been looking forward to this. He splits his sword into two, and goes on the offensive. He swirls them like the fierce diva he is. Then leaps and spins, cape billowing for dramatic emphasis, before striking a stone pilar hard enough to split it. Randor evades the attack, but not the griffin that gets him from behind, courtesy of Beast Man. Stratos, as him name suggests, flies to intercept. Once again Keldor and Randor clash. Randor manages to disarm Keldor, but Keldor isn’t beaten yet. He throws a vial of green liquid, marked with a foreshadowing skull, at Randor, who gets a shield up in time. The liquid is deflected back to Keldor. No! His beautiful face! Beast Man and griffin grab Keldor and flee. Randor hears a voice tell him that there will be peace for a time, then a hero will emerge to protect Eternia. 

  

Flash forward, let’s say, sixteen years. Adam and Teela are sparring, and she’s winning. She says she’ll take it easy on him, since it’s his birthday. He doesn’t want her doing him any favors. Maybe this one doesn’t like girls either. Let’s evaluate. Muted purple pants, with lether belt. White sleeveless shirt with red vest. Blonde, bouncy hair. Piercing blue eyes. I’m gonna go ahead and call it. Somewhere, over the Grayskull, way up high… Adam and Teela continue sparring, but this time on floaty disc things. Think Magneto escaping the plastic prison in X2, but without the awesome balls. Well, Adam may have awesome balls. Only Man at Arms knows for sure. He warns Adam that should the forces of evil attack, he needs to be ready. Adam says that his father drove them away years ago. They’re history. 

  

Pan through beautiful Eternian fields, and pass through a shiny wall of retaining goodness, to a desert filled with volcanoes, like it’s not hot enough. Then we see Snake Mountain. Evil-Lyn, Beast Man, Trap-Jaw, and Tri-Klops gather. Trap-Jaw says that HE has come up with a device to destroy the mystic wall. In the throne room, a shrouded Keldor pets Panthor as he reveals his plan to break down the mystic wall. His device lacks a crucial element. It’s taken nearly two years to find it. On cue, Mer-Man appears holding a giant red crystal. Evil-Lyn quips that he could have taken a minute to clean it up. Which he does. By rubbing it on Beast Man. Keldor places it in the device, and tells no one in particular that once the mystic wall comes down, he’ll hunt the elders, and finally claim Eternia’s power as his own. 

  

Back at the castle, Orko is playing music for the banquet, badly. Ram-Man begs him to stop. Time to break out the party tricks. Orko attempts to transform an ordinary pudding, but instead only manager to scare Cringer. The King and queen wait for Adam to arrive. She assures Randor that Adam must be late because he’s primping for the occasion. Nope, Teela brings him in. He’d been sleeping. He didn’t miss the cake, right? Meanwhile, on the something something something dark side of the wall, Tri-Klops and crew set up the device. They set it off, and a giant beam slams into the mystic wall. At the castle, they feel the impact, and assume it’s a tremor. That was no tremor. 

  

Dark side of the wall. There’s a crack. Wasn’t it supposed to come down? Face still unseen, Keldor says they now know where to apply the pressure. Trap-Jaw starts off by slamming his metal claw into it. Tri-Klops blasts it with an eye beam. Some light gets through. Beast Man rides a giant rhino into it. The crack grows again. Evil-Lyn tells the boys to step aside, and recites a spell you’d find in Charmed. “A change is at hand. May this wall turn to dust. It’s utter destruction is an absolute must!” Granted, there’s a lot of power behind it, but c’mon. Let a real diva show you how it’s done. Keldor uses his staff to channel a giant energy beam at the weak point. The crack spreads for him. Giggity. Soon the entire mystic wall crumbles, as Keldor laughs. It’s raining wall! Hallelujah! 

  

At the banquet, Man-E-Faces is using his monster face to act against Orko who is a knight. Shakespeare in the park, this ain’t. Orko says they need a princess. Adam volunteers Teela. She pulls him into a hammer lock, and says she’s no damsel in distress. The crowd laughs. Man at Arms hears a voice in his head, and excuses himself. Orko decides to be the knight, and the princess. You go, Orko. Be who you wanna be. Man at Arms grabs Adam’s shoulder and says he needs to speak with him, and asks Adam to accompany him to Castle Grayskull. Adam assumes it’s for a birthday surprise. Oh, he’ll be surprised all right. Sixteen is the age of consent in Eternia. Wonder if that’ll take any of the thrill out of it for Man at Arms?

  

Elsewhere, Keldor is intimidating a merchant. He demands to know where the Hall of Wisdom is. It stood on this very spot. Merchant tells him is just disappeared one day. Alright, but what about the counsel of elders? They couldn’t have just disappeared. They must be somewhere. 
Back at the banquet, Randor offers up a toast to his son Adam, only to realize he’s not there. He and Man at Arms arrive at Castle Grayskull. Adam says it could use a coat of paint. He’s one of those interior design gays. A falcon screeches as the drawbridge lowers. They enter the castle. Category is, gothic chic. Gargoyles are everywhere, like tchotchkes. We enter a throne room, that has giant wings near it. The falcon cries again, and goes to land on the throne. Instead, it transforms into the Sorceress’ human form. She greets Adam by name, saying she knew this day would come, but didn’t think it would be so soon. He says it’s the same day every year. Next time he’ll invite her. Stupid, young, and narcissistic. Yep, he’s a ‘mo alright. 

  

The Sorceress uses her staff to show Adam the past, explaining how Randor and Man at Arms drove the villains back to Snake Mountain, deep in the dark hemisphere. She, and Man at Arms created a barrier, to ensure they wouldn’t return. It’s worth pointing out that in this version, she can apparently leave Grayskull, and still have powers. With the mystic wall erected, the counsel of elders, containing all the power of Etetnia, transformed themselves into an orb, and hid it within the walls of Grayskull. 

  

Adam thanks her for the story, and tries to leave. She tells him that it’s was foretold that a hero would emerge. Adam gestures to Man at Arms. The Sorceress tells him that HE is the hero, and will be transformed into the defender of Grayskull, and protector of Etetnia. Forces of evil have broken the mystic wall. Adam says they use it for target practice; it doesn’t have a scratch. Clearly he doesn’t understand. He thanks her for the magic show, and leaves to go home. Only to find it in ruin. Credits. What’d you expect? It says part one right there in the title. Until next time!