Howard the Duck-Down and Out in Cleve-land


-by Bevianna Bones

It’s been a while since I have blessed you with an installment of the Howie series.  Mainly due to the fact that a coworker of mine referenced another dwarfish, obnoxious, angry little coworker as “Howard”. It’s been hard to shake the image of him in a duck suit out of my head, but alas, my love for this great cinematic masterpiece is so grand, and it’s so beloved, that nothing can deter me from its magnificent feathery duckboob filled adventures for too long. Now I bring you the next installment of our Howie series…down and out in Cleve-land.


When we last left Howard, he and Bev had gotten in a big fight; him stating he doesn’t need her charity, and her saying so long duckie! Howard is faced with immediate problems, such as a source for food, clothing, and shelter. He must get a job. Off to the unemployment office he goes. He has donned a new look and meets his sassy-black-lady-with-big-chest-of-drawers case worker. She doesn’t actually have a name in the script, but I’m gonna call her Bertha.  Too much sauce on that chicken!


Apparently Bertha sees a whole lot of crazy in her day to day affairs, because she isn’t even phased by Howard’s controversial look, in fact she has the perfect job for him. She even tells him he’s gonna take to it like a duck to water.


Finally some more duck puns. It’s been five minutes since the last duck themed joke, I was starting to get worried that the writers had lost focus of the key elements of this picture.  But Bertha could have been a bit nicer to Howie…afterall, it’s not his fault he has to shoplift in the little tykes section of goodwill.


Howard leaves with a new career, and we are transported into a magical 80sriffic hot tub paradise. Complete with lava pits. First duckboobs in the first 3 minutes, and now sexy swinging 80s hot tub palace?! How did this not get an R rating. Think of the children.


You know there’s a porn of that if you Bing it…

Howard’s just about had it handing out towels, lotions and disinfectants. Geez, it must be mating season.  These are Howard’s jokes verbatim, not mine.  He stops for a cig break and we get a glimpse of the sweaty hairy 80s pimp.


So much wrong here…

He demands Howard to get back to work, as there is a plugged jet in number five. Howard can’t take the humiliation anymore and shoves the sleeze into the dirty lava with a boisterous “I quit!”


A duck needs to have his dignity! Hmph!

Broke, unemployed, with no where to go, Howard wanders the streets of Cleve-land.  He meets much discrimination and finds out that humans are not very kind to the feathery type. Afterall, it’s duck hunting season.


I’m not gonna stop til I shoot all those fuckers out of the sky…actual dialogue.

And Howie, stay away from the San Francisco treat…


Terrified by what he has seen on the television, and backfired cars, he runs off into an all familiar alleyway.  Yes, viewing audience. We are so smart. It’s thee alleyway.


The one where Howard landed in Cleve-land from Duckworld.  The one where it all began. The one, gasp, where he met Bev. Time for another great Cherry Bomb ditty and Howard makes his way to the bar, to hopefully restore his relationship with the only one who looked out for him.


Will Bev take him back? Will she give him a chance after how-ie (get it) treated her? Or will she sing more forlorn love songs?


Don’t Walk Away…


It’s like she’s singing to me…but how-ied (get it) she know that I was going to be here…

What happens next is a tale of space rabies and interspecial love…but that’s a tale for another day.



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