South Park – Woodland Critter Christmas 

By Joshie Jaxon

Greetings, geek fans! I’m determined to get holiday specials posted for you guys. After all, for October and December, that’s all that ever shows. I love holiday specials of all kinds. In the event of television series, they usually provide a break from the normal continuity, and allow everyone to have fun. Today’s holiday special kickoff is brought to by South Park. South Park; we take everything that’s decent, and turn it on it’s ass. You’ll laugh, but you may hate yourself for it. Keep in mind, this particular episode is over ten years old, and I still cringe a little. Want to know why? Let the geeks begin! 


This episode features voiceover narration, telling the story we’re watching, but in verse. While I am so talented, I’m nowhere near motivated enough to attempt the same. Besides, my unique brand of humor is best left unrhymed. We see the citizens of South Park setting up their decorations, and doing their shopping. After all, Christmas is a store bought holiday. We’re taken to the forest, where the woodland critters are preparing for their holiday. They sing the following, “it’s almost time when the time is here. The time that’s only once a year. We can hardly wait cause it’s so near; a woodland critter Christmas”. Aww, this is gonna be such a sweet story. We are then introduced to the critters, who are all wearing at least one piece of seasonal attire. Squirrelly the squirrel, rabbity the rabbit, beavery the beaver, Barry the bear, porcupiney the porcupine, skunky the skunk, foxy the fox, deery the deer, woodpeckery the woodpecker, mousy the mouse, and chickadeey the chickadee. There’s also a raccoon that I assume is named raccoony, but they don’t name him officially. That somehow seems racist. Stan enters the forest and sees the critters. What the hell? 


They all gather around him and asks how he likes their tree. He says it looks nice. Mousy says it needs a star. The squirrel says maybe their new friend will help them out. Stan makes them a paper star for the tree, and they invite him to sing and dance with them for a while. Stan opts to go home. Good call Stan, run away. Run far, run fast. Not listening to me, Stan goes to bed. Cut to 3am, where Stan wakes up to the critters in his room. Stalker critters! They tell Stan that the porcupine is pregnant. He tells them he has school in the morning. The mouse says he doesn’t understand. Deery explains that lady porcupine is a virgin, and the conception was immaculate. So was a Madonna collection, that doesn’t make it right for critters. Foxy says she’s gonna give birth to their lord and savior. Porcupine says she’s due on Christmas Day. Squirrelly says the only problem is they don’t have a manger. Barry says they’ve got to have a manger. Rabbity asks Stan if he’ll help again. The voiceover says Stan did it with joy, but he’s half asleep and doesn’t give a damn. We see him in the forest, finishing the critter manger. Mousy says it’s perfect. The unnamed raccoon asks if they can go to bed. Aren’t raccoons nocturnal? The critters start singing their song, and Stan wanders off. We hear a roar. There’s a mountain lion in the forest. Stan tells it to shoo. Foxy says it must know the porcupine is pregnant and is gonna kill it again. Again? Yes, every year that lion kills the pregnant virgin critter. Porcupine is so very afraid. Wait, there’s nothing to be afraid of this year. This year they have Stanny. 


As the voiceover tells us of the lion, Stan says aloud that this is f*cking ridiculous. At the mouth of the lion’s den, Stan roars to lure the lion out. He draws the critter killer out of hiding, and up the peak. How a fourth grader is able to escape a lion is an issue for other day. Stan gets to the edge of the mountain and turns to face the lion. It roars, leaps at him, and falls to it’s death. Um, the entire episode is full of talking, anthropomorphized animals, capable of rational thought. Why, then, did the lion allow that to happen? It didn’t have spacial reasoning to know not to leap off the edge? Whatevs. The twisted stuff is about to happen anyways, cause this is South Park, and it’s been too cute for too long. Stan sees the dead lion, and we hear the sympathy music playing as three lion cubs come out of the den. Mommy? Wake up, mommy, wake up. Don’t leave us mommy! Stan, like me, is gobsmacked at what he’s seeing. A cub asks him why he killed their mom. “The critters… Birth of the savior…” The cubs all cry, and nuzzle around their dead mom’s body. Having nothing helpful to say, Stan wanders off the mountain. 


The critters are all gathered around a fire. They says Stan has been gone too long, and the lion must have got him. Their savior is gonna be savior stew. Stan appears in the woods, and the critters rejoice. Wait, does that mean he killed the mountain lion? Yep, it’s dead. The squirrel says their critter Christmas can finally happen. Hail satan! The critters all shout it back. Stan looks shocked. The beaver says he did them a favor, cause without the mountain lion, the porcupine can give birth to the anti-Christ. Stan says he thought she was giving birth to their savior. Yes, their lord and savior, satan. Stan says he thought they mean the son of god. Deery says that’s stupid. God wouldn’t have sex with a porcupine. Foxy says they need to celebrate. Let’s sacrifice rabbity and eat his flesh! Rabbity says to sacrifice him to the devil. The critters cheer, and pull out an altar. They slice the rabbit open, start eating him, and declare they should have a blood orgy. Mousy buries his face in the fox’s ass, Barry bangs the deer while the squirrel gets it’s ear, the skunk mounts lady porcupine, and the beaver tops the raccoon. Stan just stares in horror. Right there with ya, buddy. Brave yourselves, guys. We’re only halfway done.


Christmas Eve morning. The critters are decorating their manger with satanic symbols, and turning the star upside down. Owls are laying flowers at the dead mountain lion’s body. The lion cubs, orphaned and alone, try to comfort each other. The voiceover says it’s all because of Stan, that there’s no one to stop the apocalypse. Stan sits at his desk in agony over his actions. The voiceover says that Stan is going back to the forest. Instead, Stan sits on the couch and turns on the tv. Voiceover tries to prompt him to action again. Stan turns up the volume and tells it to shut up. Finally, Stan gives in and goes back to the woods. The critters are happy to see him. They have a big problem. Satan commanded them to have a human vessel to put the anti-Christ into. It must not be baptized, and heathenistic towards Christ. They figured Stan would be perfect. Sorry, he’s not a heathen, he’s baptized and his family is Christian. Maybe he’ll help them find one. No! He’s not doing any more favors, and he’s going to stop them. Barry says they’ll have use their evil satanic powers on him. Whatever, he’s taking down his manger. We hear omen-style music as the critter’s eyes glow red, and flames appear, then crows, then a hell hound. Stan gets attacked and flees. The critters says their powers get stronger every day. The only thing that can stop them is a mountain lion, but it’s dead. Wait, there are three lion cubs on the mountain. 


Stan climbs back up the mountain, and calls to the lion cubs. They say it’s the man boy who killed mommy. He’s come to kill them too. It’s ok, the one has been dead inside since their mom died. Better Stan kill them than face the cold death of not having a mom. Stan says he’s sorry. The squirrel had said their mom was evil. They don’t think Stan is too bright. He’s trying to make it right. Only a mountain lion can stop devil worshipping critters. The cubs say they still have their baby teeth, and their baby claws. And a dead mom. Stan says there has to be a way. One of the cubs says an abortion could work. The cubs ask if Stan knows where they could learn. Voiceover says there’s a clinic outside of town, and that Stan took the cubs there. Stan argues that he didn’t, but voiceover says he did. Cut to Stan at the clinic saying, god dammit. The doctor asks what he’s doing there. Stan doesn’t know, he says the lions need to learn how to perform abortions. The doctor says it’s nearly Christmas, he has tons to perform. Cue a sappy, folksy, Christmas song that plays as the doctor gives an abortion, with the lion cubs assisting. Yes, that actually happens. Yes, I’m actually squirming in my seat. Stan sits alone saying that this better have a point. I agree. 


It’s almost time when the time is here. The time that’s only once a year… Wait a second, that guy is all alone. We look and see Kyle with his sled. What the hell? The critters ask why he’s alone on Christmas Eve. It’s because he doesn’t believe in Jesus. The critters cheer. Wait, does that mean he’s not baptized. Kyle says he’s Jewish, and the critters cheer again. They gather around Kyle and take him to their manger. That night, as a red star appears in the sky, Stan and the cubs head to the site of critter Christmas. Sadly, they were too late. They enter the clearing and see the devil baby in the manger, while the critters look on with reverence. The squirrel says it brings a thousand years of darkness to the forest. Kyle, bound to the altar asks what’s going on. Stan says it’s critter Christmas and it sucks ass. Stan shouts up at the voiceover that after all that, it’s a thousand years of darkness, and he doesn’t get a merry Christmas. Voiceover mentions sleigh bells overhead, and we see Santa. The critters are happy to see Santa. The raccoon suggests they eat his flesh. Santa wants to know what the hell is going on. The critters say Stan helped their savior be born. Santa tells Stan nice going, and calls him stupid. There’s only one way to stop devil-worshipping critters. Santa pulls out a shotgun and starts blasting them all one by one. Yay Santa! They try to use their satanic powers, but they’re no match for Santa’s shotgun. Wow. There’s a sentence that looks weird out of context. Stan frees Kyle, as the last critter is blown away. What about the anti-Christ? Santa says without a host, it’ll die. Kyle says he wants AC’s power, he can seize control of Christmas for the Jews! 


As Kyle absorbs the anti-Christ into himself, we hear Kyle scream, “stop it, Cartman!” Cut to Garrison’s classroom where Kyle is telling Eric not to read one more sentence of his stupid story. Eric says he didn’t interrupt Kyle when it was his turn for a story. Kyle says that Eric is just trying to rip on him for being Jewish at Christmas. Eric asks Mr. Garrison to intervene, but he rolls his eyes saying if Eric doesn’t stop he’ll get a call from Kyle’s mother. Cartman returns to his seat, but the other students want to know what happened to Kyle, and the lion cubs. Kyle asks why they care. Stan says he wants to know if he has a merry Christmas. Kyle predicts he gets killed by Santa to save Christmas. Cartman says that’s not at all what happens. Butters says to let him finish. Everyone else chimes in. Eric is allowed to finish his story. Kyle says he it burns. Stan asks what he expected, it’s the son of the devil. Kyle says he no longer wants to be the vessel for the anti-Christ. Santa says he needs to kill Kyle before the darkness consumes his soul. Stan is ready to cry, but then remembers the lion cubs know how to give abortions. They get AC out through Kyle’s ass, and Santa smashes the little bugger with a sledgehammer. Yay!


Santa tells Stan he’s been extra good and can have a special present. Stan knows what he wants. Santa sprinkles his magic over the dead mountain lion mom, and she comes back to life. The cubs are happy to have her back. We see Stan go home and enjoy his holiday meal, get his presents, and it was the best Christmas ever. Everyone lived happily ever after. Except for Kyle, who died of AIDS two weeks later. Dammit, Cartman! 

There you have it. Something that started out with the potential for cuteness, and turned into something you never saw coming. I delight in showing this to people for the first time, such as Bevianna. Her reaction at the first, “hail satan” was priceless. For everything else, there’s MasterCard. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing!


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