Category Archives: Cartoons

Gargoyles – Awakening, Part 1

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By Joshie Jaxon 

Greetings, geek fans! Time for one of my favorite cartoons of all time. Even for Disney, they had a wonderfully dark, and detailed plot, which may explain why it didn’t last long. Anything too interesting or clever tends to get canceled, which is upsetting to those of us who grow attached to such creative works. Oh well, we accept the limitations the masses have placed on us, and continue to try to find ways around it. Until such a time as that happens, thank the creator for DVD collections. Let the geeks begin! 

For staters, they just have the episode title show up. No credits. No Goliath, spoilery voiceover. They just throw us right into the action. I appreciate that in a show. I like having to figure a little of it out without it just being spoon fed to me. More kids’ shows need to do that. Force us, er, them to use their brains so they don’t go to mush. We open in what at the time was modern New York, but it’s 1994, so for us it’s old New York. Once, New Amsterdam. Why they changed it, I can’t say. People just liked it better that way. Yes, random ear worm. Sorry ’bout it. At the top of a cloud covered skyscraper, we can see the flash of explosions. From the street view, we see chunks of concrete and girders falling. Now, if jet fuel can’t melt steel beams, how strong of a blast must be going on up there to send girders crumbling? People flee the wreckage, as the cops arrive, and try to keep the gawkers away. Detective Maza arrives, and asks what’s going on. Cop thinks it must be one heck of a party. Elisa nearly gets flattened, and orders others away so they don’t become street pizza. Another chunk of concrete falls, and this one has four claw marks on it. More concrete, this time taking out a hydrant, and causing it to gush everywhere. As it covers the stone, Elisa asks what could be strong enough to claw solid stone. GARGOYLES appears on the screen. Are you excited? I am. 

   

Flashback to Scotland 994 AD. Yep, no Tardis, but we’re a thousand years in the past. It’s nearly sunset, and Castle Wyvern is under siege by Vikings. Catapults take out chunks of the wall, and in an act of self preservation, the guards try to flee. The captain tells them they can hold the intruders off. The guards say they can catch boulders with their teeth while they’re at it. The captain draws his sword, while brandishing his mace, and says it’s the catapults or him. The guards get back in formation. Captain says at sundown, they’ll have some fun. Down on the battlefield, one of the Vikings says it’s crazy to attack a castle with gargoyles this close to sunset. Their leader says questioning his sanity within earshot is crazy. He says gargoyles are nothing but stone, and even if not, the bounty in the castle is worth it. They throw grappling hooks up the walls, and somehow the leader manages to get his to the very top of the high tower. I know it’s a cartoon and all, but I call bull shit. It’s not a short tower, and he’s not a super strong Viking. As the leader reaches the top, the sun sets, and the gargoyle he’s next to begins to crack. It sheds it’s stone skin, and picks up the Viking leader by his wrist and tells him that he’s trespassing. All over the castle, other gargoyles are waking as well. Not wanting to miss out on whatever treasure he thinks is there, the Viking captain swings his sword at Goliath, who catches it. Blood starts to trickle down his hand. Yes, red blood from a sword injury. In a Disney cartoon. Reality! Love it! Viking captain tells his men to keep fighting, and that the gargoyles aren’t invincible. As his men begin fighting, he pulls Goliath off his perch. The captain gets away on a rope, as Goliath glides off. 

  

Other gargoyles are taking on Vikings, as three look on from the top of a tower. They are red, yellow, and green, and until they are named in-show, I’ll call them the stoplight trio. Red asks the others if they’re going to let their brothers and sisters have all the fun. Yellow accuses green of being scared, and green says nature trembles at his passing. Yellow pokes him in the gut and says he can see why. Elsewhere in the castle, old gargoyle is fighting, and Goliath stops an attack from behind, telling the old man to watch his back. The old one says he should watch his own. As the gargoyles fight, the guard captain uses his mace to break a sword. He thanks Goliath for his help, and suspects the invaders followed the refuges that they took in the other night. The big green gargoyle lands, grabs a mutton leg, and starts eating. As humans fight in front of him, he smacks one on the head with a bone, the resumes eating. A young boy watches as various other gargoyles fly through the sky. The Viking captain runs into the gargoyles “dog”, and tries to flee. He runs into Demona, who tells the human to face her if he dares. She then bares he fangs, as her eyes glow red. Diva! Fierce! Caught between a dog and a hard place, before he can escape, Goliath lands and tells him that he’s grown weary of this, and tells him to take what’s left of his men, and escape. He then proceeds to throw him into a hay cart. Viking captain says it isn’t over and that he’ll be back, as he and his men flee the castle. The castle guards celebrate, like they did all the heavy lifting. Their captain tells Goliath that he owes them their lives. Goliath says that they owe the humans theirs every day. 

  
 

Banquet hall of undeserved human celebration. Princess, Magus, and several people and dogs are enjoying their evening. One soldier says to another that he was worried they were under the sword. The other says the captain of the guard is a fine soldier. The other says it’s more like captain of the gargoyles, as the guard captain walks behind them and hears it. The princess thanks the captain, but he says the credit isn’t his to take. Without Goliath and the gargoyles, their defenses would have been useless. Being a princess, she says not to mention the monster’s name in her presence. On cue, Goliath and Demona appear in the doorway. Magus is so upset his drops his goblet. The guard captain says he asked Goliath to appear, and be recognized for his bravery. Princess is most offended. Beasts in the dining hall?! Um, bitch, you have a minimum of two dogs in there, neither of which did anything to protect your sorry ass, you ungrateful snob. Magus of the brown nose agrees with her, saying they are unnatural creatures, and no good can come from associating with them. Ah, racism. It’s not just a modern invention. Goliath approaches the princess, spreads his wings, and bows in respect. The guard captain says they did right naming him Goliath, after the soldier that fought David. Princess running mouth says the biblical Goliath was also a bully and a savage. Demona hisses at her. Goliath excuses them, and leaves. Princess ball buster tells the captain in the future he can make his reports to the Magus, not her. Magus looks so satisfied you know he just pre-came a little in his pants. The captain catches up with the gargoyles, and apologizes. Goliath says it isn’t needed. Demona on the other hand asks where his pride is, since they’re the ones who saved the castle, and are getting treated with contempt. She says the cliffs were their home long before the humans built their stone fortress, and they should be bowing to them. Which begs the question, since castles aren’t built in a day, clearly the gargoyles worked out some kind of alliance, right? Therefore, Princess Thistletwat shouldn’t be so uptight about them saving her ass. Anyhow, in an Xavier moment, Goliath says it’s human nature to fear what they don’t understand. Demona says his patience astounds her. 

   

Elsewhere in the castle, presumably later, Magus is going through his book of spells. Cut to what I presume is after sunrise, though the sky looks more like sunset. Someone in a white cloak leaves the castle, as the gargoyles sleep. At the Viking camp, the person asks the leader if he still wants the fall of Castle Wyvern. Perhaps a bargain could be made. Viking captain is listening, and throwing away perfectly good food.

After sunset. Guard captain tells Goliath that the Vikings may return at daybreak, and that he should take all of the gargoyles, and make sure they’re really gone. Demona agrees that they should go out in force. Goliath says it’s too dangerous, and he doesn’t want to leave the castle unprotected. He’ll go alone. Demona says that’s too dangerous for him, and to at least take her. He says no, and orders her and the others to guard the castle. She and Goliath are one, now and forever. Awwww. As Goliath walks off to get backup, Demona looks disappointed. The guard captain looks upset. Wonder what’s going on. 

In the castle, the stoplight trio is playing keep away with a roast, as their gargoyle dog tries to catch it. Demona watches from a tower. The young boy from earlier introduces himself as Tom, and asks their names. Yellow says aside from Goliath, they don’t have names. Tom asks how they tell each other apart. Yellow says they look different. Tom asks what they call each other. Red says, friend. Tom’s mom tells him to stay away from them. Red says he wouldn’t hurt the lad. Mom throws a stick at him, and Demona steps in. Yes. She’s not supposed to have a name yet, but “lady gargoyle” isn’t befitting her fabulousness. Plus, it’s my article, and I say she’s earned her name. We good? Red says they want monsters, they’ll get them, and wiggles his fingers at the humans with his eyes glowing. Yellow and gargo-dog does it too. The humans run away, and of course, that’s when dad shows up. Goliath orders them to the rookery, and to take the dog with them. Red says they didn’t mean any harm. Demona says it wasn’t their fault, it was the humans. Goliath doesn’t care. He won’t have his people fighting with the humans. 

   

Goliath and old gargoyle fly out to try and find the Vikings. Old one looks at the tracks, and says they’re light for horses that are supposed to be carrying armored men. Goliath says they’re close, and they run into the woods. 

In the rookery, red says it’s embarrassing. Green says he hadn’t been there since he hatched. Then he sniffs some slime on the wall and eats it. Yellow hopes they aren’t down there long, or green might eat them. In the weaponry, someone is examining the strings on the bows. 

Back in the woods, the old one says it’s close to sunrise, and suggests they return. I’m guessing they’re like vampires, and can sense the passing of night, or arrival of the sun. Goliath finds the Vikings and horses. As they charge, I notice a lot of bare back horses, and very few men. Where’s Akbarr? It’s a trap! Well, more like a diversion. They reach the edge of the woods right as the sunrises, and are turned to stone. I’m curious what evolutionary advantage that gives them as a species. Don’t get me wrong, love the cartoon, and the characters, but seriously, what’s the point of a living being turning to stone? There aren’t any real advantages to it, as opposed to say, becoming stone at will. Just food for thought. 

  

At Castle Wyvern, the Vikings attack again. This time, as the guards try to defend, their bows break. Someone opens the gate to let the Vikings in. The princess goes running down the stairs, calling for the captain, shouting that they’re under attack. He grabs her wrist and says it’s worse than that. Dick.

Fade to near sunset, as the castle burns, and the people are being taken away. Viking leader tells the captain he’s grateful, but asks why he betrayed his own kind. The captain says they aren’t his kind. Viking leader doesn’t care. He has work to do. He readies his mace to smash a gargoyle. Captain tells him it isn’t necessary. Viking says they’ll be flesh soon, and his men will he their prey. Captain says they aren’t like that, it isn’t their nature. Viking leader shoves him against a wall, and asks if he wants to discuss it further. Obvious answer, no. Captain watches as the Viking leader smashes one of the gargoyles. Even though they’re stone, and we’ve seen Goliath bleed, it’s still done off camera. Though again, here’s a prime example of bad evolutionary planning. I know this moment is a horrific plot device, but damn. After sunset, Goliath shows up and sees the damage. He screams into the night as the words, to be continued… Appear on the screen. Yep, they end the first episode with gargoyle genocide. 

Still love the cartoon, and I know later episodes more than make up for what we just witnessed, but that moment is still a rough one to watch. You’re there, asleep, defended the castle when you you awake, but are smashed to bits never to rise again. I wonder what happens to their soul/spirit/essence when they’re stone. Are they sleeping? Are they “dead” and inanimate until the sun is gone? I’d assume they felt no pain, but I wonder if they were aware they were dying. In humans, we generally do. Yes, I’m over thinking a cartoon. I do it all the time. You will too. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

  

X-Men the Animated Series (Anime) – The Return

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By Joshie Jaxon 

Greetings, geek fans! I’m here to bring you the fourth of my X-Men posts. This one isn’t nearly as old or nostalgic as the others, but the genre and style this one takes is worthy of recognition. As long time fans of the gab will know, I like anime. It deals with darker and more mature subject matter, and the art style allows for more detail than most modern cartoons allow. Let the geeks begin!

  

Once again I’ll start with the credits, so as to not detract from the story. Giant metal girder X, with several X-Men around it, as the wind blows them dramatically. We begin the Mouseketeer role call with Cyclops, Beast, Storm, Wolverine, and. Professor X. We also get Armor, Emma Frost, and Jean Grey/Phoenix. I say Phoenix cause she’s in her green Phoenix outfit. For scorecard purposes, we’ll say she finally has a code name in this version. Throughout we also get a shot of the U-Men, and their leader, but that’s not the point of this episode, the point of this episode is…

Phoenix, more specifically, Dark Phoenix. Yes, you read that right, the opening scene of this series is the motherfucking Dark Phoenix. Since anime is more adult, my language may be as well. I’m allowed, dammit. Anyhow, a city is being destroyed as Dark Phoenix tells the X-Men she’s no longer the woman they knew. She’s in her red outfit, and her hair is literal flowing red flames. Diva is looking fierce! Scott tells her to fight it, and gets a giant hunk of building thrown at him for his trouble. He uses an optic blast to clear it. Meanwhile Storm is using lighting to break the chunks thrown at her. Beast is just dodging cause his powers aren’t offensive. Wolverine uses his claws to tear through it, and gets a girder to the face. Geez, why does he have a crush on her? Beast uses his communicator to tell Xavier that Jean is no longer in control. The professor tells him that she isn’t responding telepathically. It must be the Inner Circle, they’re doing something to her. Logan says Jean is an omega level mutant, and if she goes supernova, they’re all dead. Scott charges at her, and she blasts most of his shirt off. Good, Jean. Now the pants. The pants! We see the Inner Circle nearby. Scott keeps saying please, and we hear Jean telepathically call his name, as the jewel on her necklace glows. In her mind, she tells Scott that it has to be done. She’s hanging by a thread. Part of her even likes it. Now just shove a finger in there and finish her off already. Ew. I grossed myself out a little there. Moving on. Jean cries onto her necklace, as Scott sees a vision of Emma behind her. Snow/frost blows at him, and he shouts to Jean that he loves her. Back in the real world, Dark Phoenix starts to power up. We see the real Jean say she loves Scott and always will. Scott tells her to fight it. The Phoenix fire blazes with intensity, and then blinks into nothing. Cut to Scott and the others in the ruins of the city as it’s raining. He clutches Jean’s necklace, and screams, while the Inner Circle smiles. Now that’s how you start an X-Men series. Not with angsty Jubilee, not with a football game, not even with a friendly training game in the Danger Room with my man Nightcrawler. Dark. Fucking. Phoenix. *mic drop 

  

Voiceover from Xavier, talking about creating the institute. How he had hoped that it would give his students a safe place to learn about their powers, and be themselves. The X-Men were his faculty, and believed in his dream with all their hearts. He goes on to say that it’s been nearly a year since the Inner Circle tried to destroy them. Why is takes a year to get over the loss of Jean, I’ll never know. Xavier says they still haven’t recovered, as he sits at her gravestone, which reads SHE WILL RISE AGAIN. Spoilers? Wishful thinking? Clever Phoenix metaphor? You be the judge. In his mind, we see the return of the hover chair, as the professor goes to console some crying students. He tells them that he will keep them safe. He tries to read the mind of a different student, but can’t. As he chases him, and reaches out, he wakes up still next to the gravestone. A dream. The same dream as before, again and again. 

  

In a snow covered Japan, a young girl is running. Two creepy, robotic looking men track her down. One shoots her with a shot of some kind, and it triggers her armor to rise up around her. The robotic guy’s leader watches as the contents of the shot take effect, and she passes out. I’m gonna ho out on a limb here and say that’s Armor, and some U-Men. I’m actually guessing, cause this is the one X-Series I haven’t seen all the way through. Plus there’s a girl with armor in the opening credits, not to mention Frost. Kinda spoiler-y, if you ask me, but cutting new credits probably costs money. Besides, they aren’t worried about people like me picking their work apart. More people should. I’ma come to your room at night and cut up your wigs. Anyhow, back at the institute, Xavier is one the phone. He asks when it happened. Then says he’s been looking for a reason to reassemble the team. As soon as he does, they’ll be in touch. He heads down to cerebra, and put out an emergency “urgent summons” message in his fancy touch screen. Time to assemble the team. 

  

Cruise ship near sunset. A smaller ship is alongside it, with several semi-automatic guns being fired into the air. Pirates! Someone shouts. Um, pirates should be a little concerned about wasting ammo on clouds, rather than say, I dunno, hostages and getting what they want. Whatever. Clearly they have no brains, or they wouldn’t need to rip people off and could make an honest living. At ant rate, Storm says she’s got this. Her eyes glow with lightning, and she summons freezing winds and snow to blow on the ship. They’re encased in ice, and Bobby Drake is somewhere wondering what good he is to anyone. Storm says you don’t get between a girl and her cruise. Someone asks her if she’s one of those X-Men. Guess they aren’t hidden in this series. The urgent summons goes off, and she says it’s about time. 

In the ruins of the city Dark Phoenix took out, the summons goes off on Scott’s bike, but he’s too busy staring at the necklace on the cross where Jean died to pay any attention. Angsty little ball of self-absorbed angst. 

In a lecture hall, Beast is addressing some students, about how they can raise the intelligence of a cephalopod to that of a human or higher. The students laugh. Beast puts a mic in the tank, saying that the squid will talk to them. The summons goes off, and beast leaves the class in the hands of Mr. Cephalopod. They all start laughing, until the squid starts talking, then they’re gobsmacked. You would be too. Side note, how cool is it that in this universe, Beast is welcomed as a teacher, and no one seems to care he’s a mutant? I’m liking this world so far. 

  

At the airport, a flight to Madripoor is boarding at gate X-23, which is a really fun reference considering which member of the team we’re up to. Don’t know what I mean? Educate yourself. I can’t do it all for you. Trust me, it’s worth looking into. A metal detector goes off, and we hear Wolverine bitching, as he’s asked to empty his pockets. A shirtless Logan tells them they won’t find anything. She says to empty the pockets or she will. Any excuse to reach into those pants, you know, for national security. Yeah, that’s it. National security. Logan says the problem isn’t in his pants. Hallelu! Though I’m sure he’s healing factor would cure any impotence he may encounter. Side note, Logan is voiced by the same actor that played him in Wolverine and the X-Men. Anyhow, Logan bares his, claws, and asks if now that she’s seen it if they’re good. I would be. Show me what you want to. The summons goes off, and he tells her she’s in luck, he doesn’t need the flight; he’s going to New York. 

At the mansion, Storm touches down first. Logan arrives on his bike, telling Charles that some of them had things to do. Then he comments on him still being bald. Beast arrives next, commenting on staff meetings and cafeteria food. No Scott though, he’s too busy brooding into his coffee. 

  

We see a picture of Armor holding a cat. Xavier tells the team about her disappearance, and that her parents contacted him. Storm deduces that this girl must be a mutant. Xavier confirms it, and says she exhibited her powers once when she was young. Hank says that’s unusual. Xavier says the X gene runs in her family, and though her parents don’t have it, they know that she does. Logan asks why the police can’t handle it. Xavier says every detective assigned to the case has been killed. Beast says someone clearly doesn’t want this girl found. Gee, thanks, professor. Xavier says even cerebro can’t detect any mutant activity in the area. Logan says his gizmo probably has a worn-out doohickey, and Charlie ain’t getting any younger either. Storm takes offense, and Logan tells her to keep her wig on, he’s just pulling Xavier’s chain. Beast asks if they need to go to Japan. Storm asks about Scott. They aren’t the X-Men without Scott. Um, there’s 4 of you, that’s hardly an X-Team as it is. 

  

Cut to ruined city of Dark Phoenix delight. Damn, that would be a great name for a dessert. Logan asks Scott if he’s been out here all this time. Then asks where he takes a dump. You guys don’t need toilet humor, you’re good as is. 

At the mansion, Beast says there’s nothing wrong with cerebro, so something must be cloaking that part of Japan. Xavier says they’ll find out when they get there. Beast asks if it was wise to send Logan to get Scott, given their history. Xavier replies that if he noticed, Storm went with him. 

Back at Jean’s last stand. Scott says he can’t fight any more. He needs a reason, and he’s lost his. Storm says they aren’t fighting, they’re trying to find a missing girl. Logan says if emo Scott wants to cry about something that happened a year ago, let him. He’d be useless anyways. Scott acts like he owned her, and Jean meant nothing to the rest of them. Logan says Jeannie would die all over again if she saw how he’s been living. Scott blasts Logan right in the face. Is that hair gel? Sorry. Logan asks if he struck a nerve, and says that would’ve been bad without his healing factor. Scott says if he wants to feel real pain to say her name again. “Jean”. Damn I love Wolverine. Claws come out, and Storm steps in between them. She asks Logan why he has to be such a guy and pretend he doesn’t care. Storm tells Scott that if they don’t find the girl, no one else will. It’s what Jean would have wanted. There are still people who need him. 

  

Fade to sunset. Scott remembers watching the stars with Jean, and her commenting on how every moment is precious, since they’re given so few of them. They hug under the starlit sky. Back at the ruins, it’s morning. Scott clutches the necklace in his hand, as the music of dramatic determination fills him. 

At the mansion, in the hangar, the team is getting ready to board the blackbird. Logan stops and sniffs the air. He’d know that scent anywhere. Well well, if it isn’t the guy who put shoulder pads and tights back in fashion. Scott says he couldn’t miss another minute of the witty repartee. Xavier says the X-Men received a call for help, and they answer every call, from human or mutant. This sounds very A-Team to me. People just ask the mutants for help around here? It’s like the ’66 Gotham police. What good are they? Anyhow, Xavier welcomes Scott back to the X-Men, and they take off. End credits.

  

Alright, time to tally up the score cards. Xavier, Scott, Storm, Logan, and Jean? Check. No Magneto or Danger Room though. No clean sweep there. All in all, each series has it’s high and low points, but those 5 seems to be the current staple for any animated version of the team. Well, there’s one exception, but that’s a post for another time. Until then, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

  

Wolverine and the X-Men – Hindsight, Part 1

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By Joshie Jaxon 

Greetings, geek fans! Time for the third of my X-Men themed posts. Now, I know the next two series aren’t exactly old enough to be considered retro, but they’re just so fun that I can’t ignore them. Also, I promised four posts, and you’re gonna get four posts. I’m a giver like that, so just lie back and take what I’m about to give ya. If you’re having difficulties getting through it, or find yourself ready to end before my post does, just think of England. Let the geeks begin! 

  

Unlike the last two series, the opening credits don’t have the Mouseketeer role call during them. Yes, we get to see the characters, but it’s a more tonal piece, than a here’s their name kinda thing. We can see from the state of the credits, that the MRD is rounding up mutants, one of which is Marrow, who I mentioned in my Evolution post. Then we see the various X-Men using their abilities against the mutant-hating humans. The series’ official cast is Wolverine, Cyclops, Angel, Emma Frost, Nightcrawler, Storm, Iceman, Shadowcat, and Beast. As we’re about to see, there are several others as well. Having seen the series I could explain why they’re not in the credits, but, spoilers. 

Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, afternoon. Outside, children are playing and having fun, as Storm and the professor take a stroll. No hover chair in this version either. Wonder why the 90’s were so special. We cut inside to the Danger Room. Do you have your checklist? That’s three for three on DR sightings in the premier. However, no one is in there by accident, Kitty and Colossus appear to be training. She phases through a wall and leaves Peter stuck between it and another that’s closing in. As she comments that he’s being schooled by a girl, a metal tentacle snatches her up, and holds her high off the ground. Colossus laughs that school is out, as he escapes the wall trap. Then we see Nightcrawler teleport in, and away from some laser blasts. Kitty shouts for one of them to get her down. Kurt teleports up to her and suggests she phases. Kitty says she does want to fall on her face, and asks for help. Kurt says she an X-Man and to do it herself, as he teleports away. Have I mentioned I love Nightcrawler? Peter smashes a laser, and looks pleased, until a giant magnet captures him. He doesn’t revert to flesh in time to avoid being hoisted up. He says, hello kitty, and I giggle. Nightcrawler BAMFs in and says five more seconds and he wins. On cue, he gets splattered by some goo that sticks him to the ceiling, and gets in his hair, and no, it’s not white. Kitty asks what happened. Peter looks at the control room and says HE happened. Logan gets on the mic and tells them it was his way of saying goodbye. Goodbye? But the show is called Wolverine and the X-Men. We kinda need Wolverine. Kitty says he better run. Then realizes they’re still trapped. She shouts for him to get them down. Logan? LOGAN?! 

  

Logan steps out the front door, and makes a face. We see Scott and Jean arguing. He wants to know how many times he needs to say he’s sorry. Jean says Logan is the one he needs to apologize to. Scott says he knows. Jean blows Logan a kiss, and waves. He waves back, and heads over to his motorcycle. Beast is sitting under a tree, and states he didn’t want to miss Logan. Logan asks where Rogue is. Thanks for caring about Beast, jerk. Now he’s glad you’re going. Hank says for reasons beyond his understanding, Rogue doesn’t like the thought of him leaving. Angsty woman that she is, she’s at the edge of a cliff, staring out at the ocean. Logan asks if she’s gonna say goodbye. No. He says he’ll be back. She says why bother. Maybe she’ll just leave too. Logan says this place is her home. No, not when he’s not there, which is most of the time. I miss 90’s southern sexpot Rogue. This one says Logan is like her family, since they’re the same. She runs off, and Wolverine lowers his head. She’ll get over it, Logan. Maybe she’ll absorb someone with a spine some day. Back at the front of the mansion, Storm and the professor are still watching the kids play, as Logan approaches. The professor gets a look on his face, then grabs his head. As Logan rushes over, the professor looks over at Jean, who is also experiencing something. Scott asks what’s wrong. Cut to Logan running, a blinding flash, and then nothing. 

  

One year later, Wolverine wakes up from a nap, having presumably been dreaming about the events of that day. A convoy of RVs, wait, is convoy the right word for that? I say it is. A convoy of RVs goes by, and a little girl waves at Logan. He waves back, then gets on his bike. The RVs went left at the crossroad, so to avoid family fun time, Logan goes right. There’s an explosion in the direction of the RVs. Logan watches in the mirror. Pan to the flaming wreckage. A non-Jean redhead is being removed from the destruction. Her African-American husband is walked out as well. Erica? Where’s Erica? She’s still inside! Cause of course she is. Fire extinguishers aren’t putting out the blaze. What the hell happened? Gas tankard on a train, perhaps? There’s an explosion, and the dad yells his daughter’s name. Logan pulls up, and throws off his helmet, rushing towards the fiery RV. One of the workers says it’s too dangerous. Wolverine shoves him aside, and said not for him, as he pops out the claws. The yuppies with the sweaters around their shoulders watch on. Logan cuts an opening in the RV, and finds Erica under some debris, holding her teddy bear. From the yuppie standpoint, there’s an explosion. Non-Jean redhead falls to her knees and sobs. Cut to however long later, as she and her husband sit under a blanket crying. Workers move a large sheet of metal, and find the mutant. There’s a girls arm sticking out as well. The parents are elated that she’s ok. They discover Wolverine is alive. The dad says to spread a blanket so they can move him. Um, I’m no EMT, but as a general rule, don’t you generally try to avoid moving injured people? The dad and his friend pick up and move Logan. A man whose bones are covered with the strongest metal on Earth, and would presumably be pretty heavy. Nah, they got this. The dad, Randy, thanks him for saving his little girl. White yuppie, Carl, says he’s the MRD’s problem now. Randy can’t believe he turned him in. He’s got razors in his hands. Sound argument. Randy says they won’t find him there. They secure Logan’s bike to their RV, and drive off. White yuppie Carl does not look pleased. 

  

In the RV, non-Jean redhead notices that Logan is already healing. Erica tells him to please wake up. Logan opens his eyes, and we get a POV of Erica’s fuzzy face. Logan remembers the other black girl he knows, and flashes back to Storm and the professor just before the blinding flash. This time we see some of the aftermath. Kids carrying each other. Scott shouting for Jean. Storm, with clothes, but not shoes, intact, kneeling over a crater that has Xavier’s wheelchair in it. Logan wakes up in a house, and pops his claws right near Erica’s face. It sounds dirtier than it is. She says he’s safe. He asks where he is. She says they’re at her house, as she gives him a glass of water. Erica comments on Logan healing so fast, and says her dad suggested he’d want to avoid the hospital. Smart move. Non-Jean redhead gets a call from Mrs. Kravitz, ok not really, but she tells her neighbor it isn’t her business who stays at their house. Wolverine sighs, as he hears the choppers and sirens. He opens his bag, and we see his Wolverine outfit. Category is, super hero eleganza. Meanwhile, the MRD busts down the door, and storms up the stairs. The only thing they find is an open window. Outside, attention grabbing, fear mongering, white yuppie Carl is repeating that he’s got razors in his hands. The MRD asks the family where he is. Where who is? The MRD isn’t playing, and places them under arrest for harboring a fugitive mutant. From the rooftop, in full Wolvie glory, the claws come out, and two “officers” go down. I put them in quotes cause I don’t know if they’re government sanctioned in this universe or not. The chief MRD gets the family into the helicopter, cause after all, the suburbs don’t have a local mutant jail cell, and says they can deal with Wolverine. Um, if they are fighting the guy they’re after, why still punish the family that has no evidence but a yuppie’s word that he was harbored there? Stupid small-dicked, power hungry, supremacists. White isn’t right, you know. They must be mad cause it’s a mixed race family. Here I thought mutants were the only enemy. Oh well, one day they’ll evolve. Oh wait, they have. Homo superior will see them gone some day. Until then, flex your power, and fight your extinction, boys. They try to net and gas Wolverine, who gets free and asks who wants some. Able to recognize the danger of a confrontation, they order a retreat. Wolverine tries to jump to the copter, misses, but throws something at the propellor to make it crash. Right on serves you right white yuppie Carl’s car. Justice! 

  

At the MRD facility, a group of them walk past cells containing Wolfsbane, Abomination, and Boom Boom, before stopping at the family’s cell. They ask about the mutant. Erica says they don’t know what he’s talking about. He says his name is Wolverine, and he’s dangerous. Erica says he isn’t, the man steps into the light and we see three scars across his face, and he angrily says, yes he is! 

At the ruins of Xavier’s school, Logan pulls up on his bike, why things are still in ruin after a year is beyond me. Maybe without Xavier around signing checks, no one bothered to clean it up. At any rate, Logan walks the grounds, until he picks up a scent, he lifts a giant slab, revealing a passageway. He pops the claws, and jumps down, using them to slow his decent. We see Beast at a microscope, taking notes. As he goes back to look, Logan takes his pad and asks what he’s working on. Beast gets startled, and asks if he always has to make an entrance. Logan tells him to learn to relax. Beast says with Jean and Charles unaccounted for, he can’t think of anything else. Beast says the explosion was centered on Charles’ position, so he was the likely target. Logan asks the cause. Hank says it defies classification. There was no combustion, chemical reaction, radiation, or electro magnetism. It rules out the MRD, and probably Magneto too. Hank wants to know why Logan stopped by. Logan says the Marties are out of control, and snatched a family just for helping him. He has to make it right. Beast declines, and suggests Logan try the others. Logan doesn’t know where anyone else is. He asks Hank again, and gets a yes, since Logan generally doesn’t ask for help. 

  

In the city, we see a billboard that reads, “a personal invitation to all mutants, to live in peace, paradise, prosperity; Genosha.” Apparently in this world, Magneto doesn’t need asteroid M, he’s got prime real estate here on Earth. Nice to see he’s moved up a bit in the world. It certainly beats lurking behind the scenes. Also, scorecard moment. Slight Magneto appearance, without being the focal point of the episode. 

  

In an MRD truck, one of them asks the other what’s wrong with the radar. The other responds it’s busted. It can pick up a mutant, but can’t tell if it’s two feet away or two miles. Wait, the humans have the ability to detect mutants? Why does Charles even have cerebro if the freaking human nazis have a device that can track their prey? That’s messed up. Hunt mutants the old fashioned way. Logan knocks out the Marties, and takes Hank as a prisoner to their facility. Don’t ask me where he left the unconscious humans, he didn’t care, and neither do I. Hank says the prisoner section smells. Logan says prisoners shouldn’t ride in the front. Beast thrashes in the back as Logan checks in at the gate. He says he’s hauling a big hairy beast, and to hurry up, so it doesn’t bust out. Inside the facility, Hank is struggling to get his shackles on, when the back is opened, and the Marties take aim at him. Beast assures them he’s a pacifist. Wolverine knocks them both out, then asks Hank if the cuffs chaffed. Hank swears he was trying to put them back on. Clearly Logan’s had a kinkier sex life than Hank has. He says, let’s go, Chewie. Hank is sent to find the prisoner area, while Logan takes care of the guards. Elsewhere, Randy is taken to an interrogation room. Scar face asks him about Wolverine. Randy says he’s a hero. Scar face says he’s in a sensory assault helmet, and asks again. Randy says he’s the one people should watch out for, not the mutants. Scar face pushes the button and Randy screams. Beast runs into a Martie and asks if it needs to be a fight. He’s forced to knock him out. In the control room, Hank hangs from the ceiling, and tells the guards there are two ways to handle it. Cut to them being kicked out of the room. Logan walks in and Hank says it was their choice. He didn’t say a word. Randy is returned to his cell, and non-Jean redhead says they’re animals. Scar face says maybe Erica knows something. Beast and Wolverine approach, and Beast asks easy way or hard way. Wolverine growls, and slashes at scar face’s gun. He throws him up against the wall, and says the great line, hard way it is. We know you like it hard, Logan. What, with your healing factor, you could probably take the biggest there is and not suffer any rectal trauma. Yes, I said it. Moving on. 

  

Wolverine tells scar face to leave the nice family alone, and pressed the button on the sensory assault chair that he’s in. Atta boy! The X-Duo free the family, and the captive mutants, and manage to steal a helicopter. As they take off, Logan asks if anyone can blow the hangar. Pyro tells Boom Boom to light it up. She produces three fireballs, and he sends them flying. Two jets take off. Fireballs aren’t stopping those. There’s a mutant named Dust, who turns to, well, dust, and goes after the jets, clogging their engines. Dust gets back on the mighty mutant Martie copter, as Wolverine stares down at an enraged, yet free, scar face. This ain’t over. 

  

At a remote cabin, Logan is telling Randy and family that in a few weeks the Marties will lose interest in them. Erica tells him not to leave. He has to. It’s time he went home. Back at the ruined mansion sub-basement, Logan is looking for Hank, who surprises him. Logan says to say something when sneaking up on a guy. Um, doesn’t Wolverine have super sensitive hearing, and sense of smell? He could smell Hank underground earlier. Shouldn’t have have “seen” Hank coming a mile away? Whatever, it was for comedy. Logan’s asks where the other mutants are. Hank says they went their own way, though the cells they freed, will be full again tomorrow. Logan says a war is coming. Hank agrees. What’s next? We bring back the X-Men. Credits
  

Let’s recap. Prof. X, Logan, Scott, Jean, Storm, Rogue, Magneto cameo, and Danger Room. Check! Beast is in Evolution, but isn’t a regular until later on, still counts though. Keep your scorecards ready for the next post. We’ll be able to see what staples there are between all the X-Series. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

  

X-Men: Evolution – Strategy X

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By Joshie Jaxon 

Greetings, geek fans! I’m here to bring you the second of our X-Men animated series reviews. This one is on X-Men: Evolution. A lot of hardcore fans didn’t like this series, while others did. I think it’s because of the high school element. People didn’t want to see their characters as whiny teens. Personally, I enjoy any chance to see my main Marvel mutants in action. Plus, we can now begin comparisons between this series and the prior one. I’ll be doing that with each new entry. Maybe at the end I will post a battle royale and leave it for the fans to decide. Let the geeks begin! 

Even though there’s an opening scene before the credits, I’m gonna comment on them first to avoid distraction from the plot. Like X-Men ’92, we get an intro to each character, although not all of them are in this episode. Oops, Spoilers. Anyhow, we’ve naturally got Cyclops, then Jean Grey, who once again doesn’t get any kind of code name. I’m guessing her identity isn’t as important to protect as the others. Next up, Spyke. Side note, someone recently commented on the Deadpool trailer that Spyke is traditionally male. To that person I say, there is a female character in the Marvel Universe that has bones growing all over and can use them as weapons. Her name is Sarah, aka Marrow. Do your research before you upset the community as a whole. Where was I? Oh yes, Wolverine, of course. Followed by Storm, Rogue, Shadowcat, and my main man, Nightcrawler. Any series featuring Nightcrawler automatically ranks high for me. After Spider-Man’s metabolism and agility, and Wolverine’s healing factor, teleporting is the power I’d want most. I get sidetracked easily. You know this by now. On with the show. 

  
We open with cheerleaders and a football game. Something so many of us comic fans can relate to. They’re just pandering to the straight fans. It’ll get good real soon. The lead sports guy, Duncan, gets slammed into by other guys and everyone cheers. It’s like the Roman Coliseum, but in Ancient Greece. That wouldn’t make for kid-friendly tv. Back on topic. Jean takes his picture, but it isn’t for the yearbook, it’s for her private collection. Ugh, why to straight people have to flaunt their lifestyle like that. There are impressionable kids watching that may try experimenting with heterosexuality because they saw it on tv. America is doomed, and we’re only forty-five seconds in. In the stands, Scott is fumbling a quarter though his fingers. I’m gonna peak in high school and end up a gas jockey for life, Duncan, sees “Toady” Tolansky picking pockets, and rather than telling the security guy that’s right there, he and his cronies decide to handle it. Since Bayville is currently winning, their coach excuses them. I wonder what the coach thinks they’re going off to do. Quick circle jerk in the locker room? Is it a circle if it’s only three people? Triangle jerk just sounds weird. I’ll ponder on this. Scott drops his quarter, but sees Toad picking pockets from underneath the bleachers. His friend, who isn’t named, asks if they should call the cops. Nark. Scott says he’ll keep that option open. Duncan and his goons threaten to crush Toad. Scott tells them not to, suggesting Toad can just give back the cash. Duncan asks why he cares. Scott’s not crazy about three on one. Clearly he’s never been to Babylon on fetish night. They throw Toad into the mud. Scott intervenes, and Toad literally hops away. Duncan falls in the mud, and in his cro magnon rage goes after Scott. Jean shows up, and despite being able to read minds to know what’s up, shouts at Scott not to fight, which gets him punched in the face. His glasses fall off, and the eye beams come out, hitting a nearby propane tank, and causing an explosion. 

  
Firemen, police, and Professor X show up. Under the bleachers, Jean says “it’s too hot to touch, at least with my hands”. I swear there’s an adult film that starts with that exact same line. Jean finds Scott’s surprisingly non-melted glasses under a burning piece of rubble, and gives them to Scott, who promptly puts them on his face. They’re both kinda stupid. Jean tells Scott to split, as we see a medic examining Duncan. Fortunately he has a concussion, and doesn’t remember what happened. As the cop looks around, and starts to announce what he thinks happened, the professor uses his powers to make him think there was a problem with the gas line. Let’s think this through, since Charles didn’t. A normal, human, police officer, who doesn’t know what a mutant is, isn’t going to leap to the conclusion that a student used his optic blast by mistake, and blew up the snark bar. Maybe if Charlie had checked the cop’s mind to see what he was thinking, he wouldn’t have needed to meddle at all. Jean asks Duncan if he’s ok. Duncan admits he has a skull like concrete. Scott watches with obvious longing. Toad approaches him, and thanks him for what he did. Being a teenager, Scott sulks off. Toad eats a fly out of the air. Bleh. The professor says things are under control, and tells his driver, Storm, they need to go. I’m sure there’s some racism in there somewhere. Sexism too. Anyhow, they go to the train station to pick up a cloaked boy named Kurt. 

  
Elsewhere, the next day, we see a motorcycle driving through a forested area. The driver stops at a mom n pop store, and sees a newspaper about the explosion. Pop asks if he’s gonna buy the paper. Logan says yes, and a cold water. Pop starts in about the unusually warm weather, and we hear a slice off camera. Wolverine downs his water and tells pop to recycle the glass. As he leaves, we see that Sabertooth is watching him. Furry stalker. 

At the X-mansion, Scott wants Jean to get out of the bathroom, but she’s busy primping. Whoa, mutants have problems just like the rest of us. This is so relatable. Scott threatens to blow the door down, and Jean opens it like he’s the tardy one. Before they can leave for school, the professor calls them to his office. He introduces them to Kurt. Scott offers him a handshake, but Kurt moves away. The professor tells him he’s among friends. Kurt removes his blue, three fingered, hand from his pocket, and shakes hands with Scott. Prof. X say he set up his school for gifted youngsters whose talents aren’t always an asset. Scott asks if he heard about the prior night. Not admitting he was there, the professor says it was on all the news channels. Scott says it was an accident. The professor says he’s lucky the true cause wasn’t discovered. Scott says he’s packing a bazooka behind each eyeball, and asks what he wants. Control, which is what he’s there to learn. The professor turns to Kurt, and explains Scott’s power. Jean asks Kurt if he has a special gift, implying beyond the blue appearance. Kurt teleports to the other side of the room, and says, maybe. 

  
At the school, Toad is waiting outside the principal’s office. She looks like the kind of fierce diva bitch that adult gay men love, as long as their bitchcraft isn’t directed at them. Principal Darkholm holds her nose as Toad walks by, and opens a window. It’ll be a running gag the rest of the episode. She asks about his new friend, Scott Summers. Toad says he’s cool, and he saved him from the jocks. The principal says he’s got powers, and there are others like him. She wants him to find out more. Toad doesn’t wanna be a rat. The principal’s hand changes to claws, and she yells at him to do as he’s told. 

  
Back at the X-Mansion, Kurt is marveling at the size of his enormous, er, room. He can’t believe how big it is, and that it’s all his. The professor says his parents sent him there to be happy. Storm sets a package on the bed. Out of context, this sounds like the start of some weird, interracial, cripple porn. Kurt says he can’t be happy looking like he does. He frightens people. The professor hands him a watch. When he puts it on, Kurt becomes an average white teenager. I’m guessing Charles went with white cause Kurt had already been harassed for being a different color, and didn’t wanna give him flashbacks. Kurt is happy to look normal. All five fingers flex on their own. After this episode, index and middle move together, as do ring and pinky. Storm says he was already normal as his natural self. Kurt is still overjoyed. They leave him to explore his new look in the mirror. We see Kurt open the box, and reveal his X-Men uniform. 

  
At school, Scott is getting ready for lunch when Toad approaches him, and leaps on top of the lockers. Toad snatches Scott’s glasses with his tongue, and says Scott should open his eyes. Scott says they both know what will happen if he does. So, does Scott shower after gym with the glasses on? If so, I find it very hard to believe that he’s never had an accident up until the previous night. High school kids are brutal and single out anything that isn’t their homogenized version of normal. Anyhow, Toad eats Scott’s lunch in one slurp, and says they should talk sometime. In the X-Mansion, the professor gets an alert that a mutant is using it’s powers openly. The phone rings, and the professor greets Scott before he can say hi. Scott says he’s creeped out by that, and Xavier apologizes. Scott tells him about Toad being like them, though he has the hygiene of a dead pig. The professor says he’ll see about letting Toad join them. Kurt enters the room, and sees Toad on the monitor. The professor explains about cerebro being able to identify mutants. Kurt asks if he’s one of them. The professor says maybe. He speaks telepathically to Storm, who is watering her plants with rainwater, to see if she’ll audition someone for him. 

  
That night, Toad, in his own uniform I might add, hops up to the mansion gate. He leaps it in one jump. Storm steps outside, summons some weather, and tries to zap toad with lightning. Luckily, she doesn’t ask what happens to a toad when it’s stuck by lightning. Let’s all pretend that horrible line was never spoken in the movie. Speaking of, with the exception of Spyke and Nightcrawler, this team is basically the team from the X-Men movie. Just throwing that out there. The wind blows a door open, and also blows Toad right into Nightcrawler. Toad asks if he’s a ratty plush toy. Kurt says he reeks like unwashed lederhosen. Ooh, German burn! Wait, that’s a historically bad thing. Never mind. Toad leaps at Nightcrawler, who teleports away. The two begin chasing and taunting each other through the mansion. Why do the kids always roughhouse when it rains? Storm enters, and Xavier says that Tolansky could be an X-Man. Storm says his heart blinds him. Nightcrawler and Toad continue their chase, knocking things off the walls, and breaking a bust. Xavier tells them the test if over, and Toad is welcome to join them if he wants. The only thing Toad wants is Nightcrawler’s head. I hear he’s the talk of the underground gloryhole scene in Düsseldorf. Toad latches on to Kurt, and in his panic as they fall, he teleports them into the Danger Room. 

  
Nightcrawler asks where they are. Toad says he should know, since he brought them there. The defense system activates, and the two begin to freak. The professor telepathically tells Scott and Jean that Kurt and Toad are in there. Scott says it’ll attack with everything it’s got. Um, why would that happen? If the control room isn’t even in the DR proper, what exactly could an intruder do just standing in there? Why would it need to try and essentially murder anyone that stumbled into it? Good luck mind wiping those memories away, Chuck. Toad screams, as he and Kurt try to dodge giant scissors, lightning, and laser blasts. I’m gonna assume that it’s able to detect that these were mutant intruders, cause if a regular human was in there, they’d be dead by now. Scott and Jean hit the scene. Scott takes out the cannons, while Jean saves Kurt. He calls her and angel. She asks if he’s a demon. Toad nearly gets crushed, but Scott saves him. Meanwhile, Storm and Xavier hit the control room, and he uses a voice code to disable security. That’s great and all, but in a world where Mystique exists, a voiceprint isn’t that secure. Besides, they have image inducer watches, but he can’t disable security from his non-hover wheelchair? Whatever. During the five second delay before the kill room stops trying to kill, Nightcrawler realizes that it is a training room. Toad has seen enough, and wants out. Nightcrawler apologizes for messing up, and teleports away. 

  
On his way off the property, Toad runs into Logan, literally. Snikt, and Toad is ready to wet himself. The professor tells Logan to let him go. Logan smelled trouble, but maybe it was stink boy. Poor Toad. Meanwhile, Nightcrawler is in the hangar and is looking at the Blackbird. Cyclops enters, and starts bro-ing out over how fast it is, and the firepower. Nightcrawler asks if it’s his. Scott says it’s theirs, and if Kurt sticks around, he’ll show him how to fly it. Kurt says he almost got Scott killed. Scott laughs it off, and says not to do it again, but that’s what they’re there to learn; how not to make those mistakes. Kurt asks if Scott minds the way he looks. Scott says as long as he’s not hassled about his shades, they’re cool. 

  
At Bayville High, we hear the principal yelling, and all the bikes outside fall over. She can’t believe he was inside, and he ran away. Toad says he freaked. She says the professor probably wiped his mind so he can’t remember a thing. Toad shakes his head. Clearly he remembers enough to know he freaked out, but not why. Weird. She orders him out of the office, closes the door, and screams as she shifts into her Mystique look. We hear a voice telling her not to be too hard on the boy. Paper clips start moving around on their own. We see Magneto’s form outside the window, saying this is only the beginning. 

  
Speaking of voices, as fans of the blog will know, I love me some good voiceover talent. Evolution has several of my favs, one of which plays Nightcrawler. More than that though, is that three characters on this show are also in Death Note. Nightcrawler, Cyclops, and Mystique play Light, Mikami, and Rem, respectively. Just another fun tidbit. Now, for those keeping score between ’92 and Evolution, let’s recap. We have accidental Danger Room, and a glimpse of Sabertooth, and Magneto in episode one, check. Xavier, Scott, Jean, Logan, Storm, and Rogue as regulars in the series, check. Jean not having a code name, check. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

  

X-Men – Night of the Sentinels, Part 1

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By Joshie Jaxon 

Happy new year, geek fans! I pondered what post I should kick off 2016 with, and the answer was an easy one; X-Men. With Deadpool and Apocalypse coming out later this year, I figured now was as good a time as any to take a crack at not one, not two, not even three, but four, that’s right FOUR X-Men series that have graced the small screen. To those of you who already know which four they are, you are awesome, and will enjoy my take on each one. Those of you who may have been born after some of these were made, you’re in for a treat. I’m starting off with the original X-Men animated series from 1992. This is what really got me hooked into the Marvel universe as a whole. Up until X-Men ’92, the only heroes I’d really been exposed to had been the Ninja Turtles. Yes, I know, I should probably post on them first, but this is my blog and I’ll post what my whims tell me to. You’re just gonna have to live with it. For now, enjoy this nearly twenty-four year old piece of television greatness. Let the geeks begin! 

  

Alright, not even gonna lie, in the opening credits they’ve only shown Cyclops so far, and I’ve already got chills. Next is Wolverine, Rogue, Storm, the Beast, Gambit, Jubilee, Jean Grey, and finally Professor X. Why doesn’t Jean get a code name? Maybe something like Marvel Girl, or Phoenix, or Fifty Shades of Jean? I fumbled that joke. Sorry, back to credits. Magneto clenching his fist with power, even more chills. This is gonna be so much fun. 

We open with Sabertooth causing destruction as a tv reporter says that it’s only fueling anti-mutant hysteria that’s growing nationwide, thus establishing the tone of this universe. Sabertooth tosses a police car at the camera, as a husband turns off the tv telling his wife, Martha, that she’s one of them. Martha asks how he could register her with the Mutant Control Agency as if she were a criminal. He tells her it’s an outreach program to help these unfortunate people. It’s for their own good. He’d probably feel differently if he were the one being registered. He hopes the neighbors never find out that their little Jubilee is a mutant. They’d never understand. Why give two shits what your neighbors think? Love your damn daughter for who she is. Jubilee overhears them and wonders why this happening to her. She didn’t ask to be a mutant. Substitute the word gay for mutant and you’ll understand why so many of us feel for the X-Men/mutants in general. They can’t help who they are, despite others feeling that they’re bad/wrong/evil, there’s nothing wrong with them, and they need to learn to embrace themselves, and celebrate it. They’re the perfect metaphor for the gay community, or any repressed people, actually. Anyhow, Jubilee says she used to be a normal kid. We see someone silhouetted against the full moon, cause that’s always a good shot. Instead of Superman, we get to see our very first Sentinel. We know that from the title, they’re never called that at all during the episode. Spoilers. The Sentinel lands on the ground, taking out a lamppost. It’s bigger than a house. It crashes through some trees, and nearly takes out a car too. Clearly, Trask didn’t design these for stealth. Back in the house, Martha asks her husband if he’s sorry they took her in. Of course he isn’t. At that moment, the Sentinel reaches through the window, grabs the bed and gets, nothing. It walks away, tracking Jubilee, as her parents discover the mess and scream. 

  

Jubilee is at the mall, inside the arcade, cause this is the 90’s, and that’s what we did back then. She’s crying to herself that her patents are ashamed of her. She thought they loved her. Well, maybe if you weren’t wearing so much yellow. Did I mention she’s also Asian-American? They did the same thing on Power Rangers. Gotta make sure we know who’s what after all. Anyhow, the Sentinel is stomping through the mall parking lot. People are fleeing, and screaming. Robot the size of a house, you would too. One lady tells a cop to do something. What does she want him to do, arrest it? The Sentinel says to no one in particular that he’s closing on his assigned target. Back in the arcade, Jubilee continues to talk to herself, and wonders what’s so bad about being a mutant. The Universe, answering her call, chooses that moment to activate her power, causing the game to blow up. The manager asks her if she knows how much that game cost. Teenager that she is, she replies, a quarter. He accuses her of being a mutant. Jubilee flees as he shouts they don’t want her kind around. Lousy bigot. He’s just jealous he doesn’t have anything but that change belt to make him special. Jubilee collides with Storm and Rogue and tells them to watch where they’re going. Rogue wonders what crawled up her shorts. I love Rogue. 

  

Meanwhile, the Sentinel has entered the mall, telling people not to be alarmed, he’s there to serve and protect. And cause property damage. Lots of property damage. In a store, we see Gambit buying a dozen decks of cards. The sales girl comments. He said he likes solitaire, unless he’s got someone, to play with. Dirty Cajun. I love it. Jubilee sees the Sentinel, and hopes he’s just security. It says it’s target is identified, and it’s going to initiate capture. A long metal rope extends from it’s palm to catch her. As people flee past Storm and Rogue, she quips there must be sale. Still love her. They see the captured Jubilee and Storm delivers the first of her many great lines of hammy, overly dramatic, awesomeness. To give them proper respect, I will write them in all caps. STORM, MISTRESS OF THE ELEMENTS, COMMANDS YOU TO RELEASE THAT CHILD! Rogue tells her to ease up on the speeches. The Sentinel says they are unidentified mutants, ignore. I love this show, but if the Sentinels were created to round up mutants, and can detect them without their picture and info being in their database, shouldn’t it have captured Storm and Rogue? I’m just throwing that out there. Also, based on it’s scanner, Storm has three inches and five pounds on Rogue. Storm uses her lightning to change from street clothes to X-Men uniform, something that they never explain in the cartoon, but is a nod to their ComicBook history. Storm then zaps the metal rope holding Jubilee and fries the very girl she was trying to save. Actually, she does use lightning on it, but it breaks, rather than conducting electricity. Hey, she’s flying here, let’s suspend a little disbelief. As Storm lands with Jubilee, Rogue lifts up the escalator stairs to deflect a blast. Jubilee is in awe. Storm says Rogue has a way with men. Cut to Rogue punching the Sentinel right in the face. 

  

In the card shop, the salesgirl is winking at Gambit. He hears the commotion and goes to leave. Rogue punches the Sentinel again, and it crashes into the store. He gets the girl to the corner, telling her that insurance should cover it. The Sentinel gets up, and blasts Storm and Rogue through a glass ceiling. I smell symbolism. The latter asks what it is. Storm believes it’s a robot. Jubilee tries to flee, but gets the floor blasted out from under her. Luckily Gambit is there to catch her. He calls her petite and asks where she’s going. Anywhere but there. The Sentinel tells him to move aside so he can apprehend that mutant. Gambit says apprehend this, and flings a charged card at the Sentinel, followed by several others. Jubilee asks how he did that. With style, petite, with style. Have I mentioned that I love this show? The Sentinel blasts Gambit, as Jubilee runs away. She says the mall has turned into a real live video game. She hides behind a column, hoping she isn’t seen, then peeks behind it like the dumb teen she is. Sentinel scans Gambit and calls him an unregistered mutant, expendable. Wait, so Gambit is expendable, but Storm and Rogue should be ignored? Is this some sort of sexism thing? Men are dangerous, but two petite girls are fine? Proving that girls can be a threat, Jubilee puts on her big girl pants and tells the Sentinel to leave him alone, as she blasts fireworks at it’s face, forcing it back. Staring at her hands in disbelief, Gambit has to tell her to run. Jubilee giveth, and Jubilee taketh away. She makes it outside, but the Sentinel exits the mall, causing more damage. It then throws a smoke grenade, which it probably should’ve done in the beginning, and Jubilee collides with Cyclops before she starts to pass out. The Sentinel fires on him, and misses. Scott offers the Sentinel an energy blast from a pro, and takes it’s head off. He may be a boy scout, but the man has power. 

  

X-Mansion, presumably that same night. Jubilee wakes up in the infirmary. Her powers short out the monitor she’s hooked to. She checks the door, but it’s locked. She tells her finger to zap it. There’s a dirty joke in there somewhere, but such is my reverence for this show, I’m gonna let this one slide. Jubilee’s finger lights up and she blasts the handle off the door. As she tries to find the way out, she passes Beast hanging from the ceiling. Then Morph watching a tv report on the growing mutant violence. Those who are wondering who Morph is, since he wasn’t in the opening credits, have every right to question him. Clearly he’s a member of the X-Men, by part 2, he’ll play a bigger role than the others could imagine. I’d say more, but as River Song would say, spoilers. Anyways, Morph amuses himself by turning into the various people he sees on tv, which is what I would do with that power. After turning into Tom Hiddleston and seeing if I was anatomically correct. Don’t judge me, you’d do it to. Jubilee finds herself in the War Room, and we get a glimpse at Domino, Cannonball, Sabertooth, Magneto, and Senator Kelly on the monitors. Jubilee turns them off, the sees the giant Sentinel head. We hear Charles say that what happened at the mall was inevitable. I’d like to point out that this is 1992, but Professor X has hover chair technology. It’s possible that Beast or Forge made it, but we don’t meet Forge for a while, and they aren’t exactly familiar when we do. Just saying, we’re in 2016 and we don’t have that. Jean points out that the monitors were on. The professor scans the area, and says it’s the girl. Jubilee runs. Then we hear the professor announcing there’s an intruder, despite the fact they could technically be considered kidnappers for bringing her there, and locking her in a room. Beast and Morph search the halls, as Jubilee presses buttons trying to escape. 

   

Jubilee manages to enter the Danger Room. The Gambit/Wolverine training sequence starts up. After nearly being hit by a giant spiked ball, she wonders if she’d have been better off with the giant robot. Gambit sees Jubilee and tells her that this is no place for her. Wolverine appears in all his bad-assery. Gambit throws a card and misses. Wolverine eventually gets Gambit facedown on the ground, extends his, er, claws, and says that the game is over. He asks Gambit if he’s had enough, and to say “uncle”. Everyone has their own safe word, don’t judge. Jubilee shouts not to hurt him, and blasts Wolverine in the gut with her pyrotechnics, sending him flying. The doors open and Storm, Morph, and Beast appear. Storm asks if the girl is alright. Wolverine says not for long. Jubilee says they were fighting and she wanted to help. Beast and Morph start laughing. Wolverine bares his claws, and they shut up. Gambit says she hurt Wolverine’s pride. Jubilee asks where she is. Beast says it’s a gymnasium, and survival course, affectionately called the Danger Room. Storm takes Jubilee to the roof for some girl talk. She explains that they’re all mutants, who discovered their gifts around Jubilee’s age. Storm says the professor is their leader, and they’re called the X-Men. She then tells her she’s safe. Um, wasn’t she just an intruder? Whatevs. Storm explains she got her name cause she can control the weather. Jubilee introduces herself, and says she blows stuff up. Storm says this is a school for the gifted. Jubilee, letting her teen out again, says they’re a little old for school, unless they all got held back. Storm says they learn how to control their mutant powers for the benefit of mankind. Jubilee asks why people hate them. Storm gives a valid answer; people hate what they don’t understand. 

  

In the War Room, the professor is looking at part of the Sentinel’s memory files. Wolverine asks if anyone contacted Jubilee’s patents. Rogue said they hollered, but no one hollered back. Prof. X says the photo is from the Mutant Control Agency registration files. Cyclops asks if the government is targeting mutants. The professor says no, they’re a private organization and aren’t government supported. He says someone at the agency has a hidden agenda. Cut to Gyrich at Jubilee’s house, asking if she has any mutant friends, like Storm and Rogue, who he shows a picture of. Jubilee gets off a bus and runs right past a Sentinel. It activates, and walks after her. Before she can get away, another one appears. This time they listen to me, and gas her from the beginning. She says, not again, and sees Gyrich for a second before blacking out. Back in the War Room the professor is telling the team about the Mutant Registration Facility, and how it has the files of innocent mutants that were duped into revealing themselves. Logan says they’ll get the files, and shred them. Gambit said he can do it easy. The professor says no, Storm is going in with Wolverine, Beast, and Morph. Morph says if it’ll make Gambit feel better, he’ll go in wearing his face. Cyclops will be in overall command. As the professor leaves, Scott follows him out. He says he believes in the dream of peace between humans and mutants, but asks if they’re actions are about to make them hypocrites. Prof. X says they have no choice. Logan asks Scott if teacher’s pet has cold feet. He flashes a beam in his visor. Wolverine says he’ll fight him any time. Jean runs up and says that Jubilee is gone. Wolverine says he’s going after her. Scott says no, they have a job to do. Wolverine gets in his face and flashes his claws, delivering the awesome line, “I go, where I wanna go”. He then shoves Gambit aside calling him gumbo as he storms out. In case I haven’t mentioned it, I love this show. 

   

The Blackbird lands near the registration facility. Scott tells them to stay close. Rogue says not too close. She mentions how as a teen she used to have a boyfriend, until she kissed him. He was in a coma for three days. That’s when the boys stopped calling. Beast says she was fortunate, he had dandruff. I get that he was trying to lighten the mood, but putting someone in a coma over a kiss, and not being able to have skin to skin contact without absorbing people isn’t “fortunate” not matter how you slice it. Rogue asks him what makes then like they are. His answer is great. Gamma rays, pollution, ozone depletion, heh, television. Morph adds, progress. Wolverine says it’s lousy luck, then tells them they make a lot of noise. Storm asks if he found Jubilee. He says the trail went cold outside the house. He got bit by a dog too. Storm summons some cloud cover, as Morph asks for boost. Beast and Wolverine throw him over the fence. He impersonates the guard, and kicks him out with a gas gun. Beast and Wolverine follow. As a guard tells them to halt, Logan pops out the claws. Storms zaps the guard unconscious, cause that’s somehow better. Mad he didn’t get to claw anything, he uses them on the metal door to get inside. Beast dangles the guard’s keys at him. Wolverine says he’ll buy them a new door. Before they can advance, Wolverine says there are electronic beams. Beast asks if he can detect the infrared spectrum. No, he can smell them; ozone. Storm summons mist so the beams can be seen. Beast travels on the ceiling to the power box and turns them off. Outside, Rogue tells Cyclops he’s as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Good one, Rogue, now do Brer Rabbit. A tank approaches, and Cyclops says they’ve got trouble. Back inside, Morph says it’s nothing but clear sailing from here. Famous last words. Storm reaches for a door handle, while there are several armed men on the other side. Credits. Cliffhanger. Noooo! 
That’s the first of our four X-entries. I hope you enjoyed it. This may be the first series I post a second episode of. It’s just that damn good. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing. 
  

A Garfield Christmas Special

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By Joshie Jaxon 

Happy holidays, geek fans! After that last post with those awful critters, I decided to go with something more family friendly. I’m finishing out the holiday trifecta with Garfield’s X-Mas special. I watched Peanuts thanksgiving, but there were performance issues, and I couldn’t get it up. It happens. Let’s not dwell on it. I prefer Garfield anyways, he’s not nearly as preachy. He also appeals to my inner hedonist. I wasn’t alive in the 60’s or 70’s, but I am all for, if it feels good, do it. Now, even though X-Mas is after Thanksgiving, this special takes place before that one. Keep that in mind. That being said, let the geeks begin!  

We open on Jon’s house, which from the outside looks like Santa threw up all over it. There’s yard decorations, signs, ribbons, a giant tree, lights, and an animatronic Santa and sleigh. Clark Griswold wishes his house looked like this. Personally, it’s a little much for me. Inside the house, Garfield’s bed looks like a present, his blanket has trees on it, there’s a giant electronic candle, and Jon enters in a elf costume. I’m all for holiday spirit, but this really is too much. Jon says that it’s X-Mas morning. Garfield says that means presents. Jon says he can’t open gifts on an empty stomach, and lays out his breakfast lasagnas so Garfield can eat his way to the tree. Once Garfield gets there, Jon goes to get his present. Garfield is so excited he’s biting his nails, er, claws. A forklift comes in carrying a giant gift. It opens to reveal a Santa throne. Jon says it will read his mind, and whatever he can think of, he’ll get. Jon demonstrates by conjuring an elf hat. Garfield throws him out of the device and conjures some jewels. That’s just for starters. It’s time for the opening number. This is what X-Mas is all about. Gimme, gimme, gimme, starts playing as Garfield conjures up a mountain of presents as the credits roll. This may be 1987 but he’s got the American consumerism down. Gadgets! Toys! Greed! Avarice! You go, kitty! 

  

Back in reality, Jon wakes Garfield to tell him it’s X-Mas Eve morning. Garfield ain’t having it before breakfast. Jon tells him they need to pack up so they can go to the farm. Garfield quips that he’s got a sick sense of humor. Jon says the whole family will be there; mom, dad, grandma, and Doc Boy. Garfield is still less than enthused. He wonders why he has to be drug from his bed to see some stupid relatives, and why he has to go to the stupid farm. He wonders why they can’t come to where his warm bed is. He then wonders why he’s whispering. I wonder too. After all, the only one who can hear and understand him is Odie, who wasn’t even in the room. This cartoon dances with the line of reality, but given that it’s a “talking” cat, we have to just go with it. It’s easier if you just go with it. 

In the present-filled car, passing the city limit, Jon says he can almost smell mom’s chestnut dressing. That’s not what Garfield smells. Jon starts going on about what he enjoys at X-Mas, including the smiles on everyone’s faces. Well, almost everyone. Garfield is a sour puss. Pun intended. Jon starts singing about his childhood traditions, and Garfield counters each point with a still modern level of cynicism. Garfield says the great thing about X-Mas is the insomnia and the anxiety that kids get from having to wait. As they pull up to the farm, Jon tells Garfield to behave. Fine, he’ll stay in the car. 

  

Inside, we get to see the family. Jon’s mom takes the presents. Jon shakes hands with his dad, who calls him a city slicker. Jon greets his favorite brother, who reminds him that he’s Jon’s only brother. We hear grandma telling them to visit until their lips fall of for all she cares. She’ll just sit there in the dark, alone. Jon says hi, and she points out that city life has made him soft. He’s even got a belly. Grandma then promptly punches him in it, doubling him over. I like grandma. She says she does a hundred sit ups every morning, and her stomach is hard as a rock. Trying to divert attention, Jon points Garfield out. She remembers when they had wood-burning cats, a statement that still makes no sense to me. Garfield either, as he says it’s bizarre. Jon’s mom is so full of holiday cheer she could just burst. Grandma tells her to put a sock in and to go finish dinner. Garfield just smirks. Have I mentioned that I like grandma? It bears repeating. 

  

Jon takes Garfield and Odie outside. The latter is happily bouncing through the snow, while the former is nothing but a tail above it. Just as he says things can’t get worse, he smacks into a water pipe. Inside, grandma is checking on mom’s gravy, and is preparing to add some chili powder when mom catches her. Grandma mutters that her gravy won a prize while mom’s didn’t even place, she then sprinkles the gravy with the chili powder. Atta girl! Meddle! Meddle your little heart out! Jon and Garfield return to the house. Where’s Odie? He’s out in the barn, rummaging through various junk, and pulling items aside. What’s that dog up to? Garfield hops up on the counter, and sees the gravy on the stove. He uses a finger and takes an unsanitary taste. We get a spectacular toon reaction as he breathes fire from the chili powder. He lands on the counter, and says it’s perfect. Odie sneaks back into the house, whistling his theme music. 

  

At the table, the family sits down for dinner. Doc Boy reaches for a roll, but his mom tells him to say grace. He complains, and grandma hits him upside the head with a spoon. He thanks the lord, and we get an amen, but he breaks into some flowery thing about finding peace. Grandma hits him again, and he finally stops. Jon asks for the potatoes. Scalloped, whipped, fried, baked, or boiled? Mom always makes too much food. Since Jon can’t decide, he asks for a piece of pie. Apple, peach, pumpkin , blueberry, or banana cream? Meanwhile, on the other side of the table, grandma is sneaking bits of food to Garfield and Odie. He says the service is great, as is the cuisine, but the decor leaves something to be desired. He gives it two stars. Jon thanks his mom for dinner. Grandma loudly clears her throat, and he acknowledges her too. He offers Garfield some leftovers, but as he’s already full, he decides to pass. 

  

Time to trim the tree. On X-Mas Eve. That seems so weird to me. Personally, I wait until at least after Thanksgiving, but to decorate the tree the day before the holiday just seems, anti-climatic. Yes, you get to enjoy it for the day, but you chopped down a tree for one day of use? Oh well, it’s a cartoon. They don’t have to worry about such things. Odie steals some wire from a box of decorations, and Garfield goes to sit with grandma. She comments on how the family is jawing like a bunch of banshees. Though, to make it through life you have to be a little crazy. Just look at her, she talks to cats. Back at the tree, Doc Boy is on all fours with dad standing on him, while Jon steadies him. Dad asks why they can’t put the star on first, and then raise the tree. Mom says it just wouldn’t be X-Mas that way. Jon decides to recruit Garfield for the mission. Like my cat, Garfield likes climbing X-Mas trees. He says if he’s not back in an hour, to send a banana cream pie. Garfield takes the star, and scales the tree like a pro. That is, until he gets to the top and looks down. He freaks, grabs the tree for dear life, and places the star. The family applauds him, and getting caught up in attention, he takes a bow, which causes him to fall down to the ground through the tree. He says whoever invented them should be drug into the street and shot. Poor kitty. Dad plugs the lights and we all get too ooh and ahh at the spectacle. 

  

Mom, who’s name I’m gonna assume is Grace, says it’s time for a good old fashioned piano party. Doc Boy isn’t so sure. Dad smacks him upside the head and says the twenty four years of piano lessons better be worth something. Doc Boy plays and sings, badly. Grandma shoves him aside and brings the house down with her jazzy version of Oh X-Mas Tree. After grandma, it’s mom’s turn to play. She starts a nice song, as Garfield goes to sit with grandma. She doesn’t know how he knew she needed a kitty in her lap. Grandma starts telling him about her late husband, and how he was a good provider, and always made something nice for her and the kids at X-Mas. This is the time of year she misses him most. Aww, right in the feels. 

Mom says it’s time for their annual tradition. It’s time for dad to read Binky, the clown who saved X-Mas. Does he have to? Yes, it’s tradition. Jon and Doc Boy wonder if Binky is gonna save X-Mas again this year. Um, is Doc Boy kinda special? Unless it’s the 25th anniversary special edition author’s cut of the book, the story won’t have changed from last time. They make poor dad do Binky’s “Heeeeey, kids!” In the right voice. Y’all are grown men. I’m all for childhood nostalgia, obviously, but you don’t need to make your dad read to you like that. Be glad your mom forced him to read at all. Mom says it’s bed time, and they cheer. Dad just rolls his eyes. Meanwhile, Odie raids the closet for the handle of a plunger. Really, what’s that dog up to?

  

We see Garfield and Odie sleeping next to the fireplace. Then we see the fire is out, indicating the passage of time. Odie wakes up and nuzzles Garfield to see if he’s awake. Since Garfield slept through it, Odie sneaks off to the barn. Garfield wakes up and looks out the window. Seeing where Odie went, he decides to follow. There’s a song playing about never finding an elf when you need one, as we watch Odie assemble his treasures into a present, then cover it with a bag. Garfield slips, and a box drops some letters on him. He thinks they must be at least fifty years old. 

Back in the house, Jon and Doc Boy try to wake their dad, to see if they can open presents yet. He says it’s one thirty in the morning, no they can’t. They argue that any time after midnight is X-Mas morning. Dad orders them to bed. They leave, still arguing that it is technically X-Mas morning. 

Cut to morning proper. Dad greets the boys asking what they want to do first, chores, breakfast, or presents. They excitedly shout, presents! Doc boy is in a bunny footie pajama, while Jon has on bunny slippers. Yes, these are supposed to be grown men. They open gifts. Jon got a sweater, dad a giant cowboy hat, grandma a bowling ball, and Doc Boy is playing with a toy plane. Yes, seriously. Let’s break this down, shall we? Assuming that he started his piano lessons at five or six, and the twenty four year thing wasn’t a joke, then at minimum, Doc Boy would be twenty nine to thirty. Minimum. Footie pajamas and a toy plane. I’m just saying. Anyhow, mom doesn’t appear to have a present. Perhaps she’ll get a new pearl necklace after the boys leave. Mom says it was a lovely X-Mas. Garfield tugs at her apron and says it’s not over. He goes and retrieves the stack of letters and gives them to grandma. She can’t believe it. They’re love letters from grandpa back when they were courting. Mom asks what they say, but a lady doesn’t reveal such things. I’m guessing they were pervy sex letters. Grandma seems like she’d be into that. Odie then takes Garfield to see what he assembled. Garfield doesn’t know what it is. Odie demonstrates that it’s a self scratcher. Garfield hugs him, and the family awwws. Garfield closes the special by saying X-Mas is not the getting, or the giving, it’s the loving. 

Until next time, everyone. Stay geeky, and keep gabbing!