Category Archives: Cartoons

Garfield’s Halloween Adventure

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By Joshie Jaxon 

Trick or treat, geek fans! This is one of my favorite times of the year. It’s not so damn hot, and candy is readily available everywhere. Ok, it’s available year-round, but Halloween specials aren’t. Neither is the chance to dress up and have fun as an adult. Granted, I have fun all year, but I’m one if those weird people your parents warned you about as a kid. Anyhow, today’s post, if you couldn’t tell from the title, will be on Garfield’s Halloween special, which is now 30 years old. Normally I’d lament about feeling old, but I’m high on Garfield and candy, candy, candy, candy! Let the geeks begin! 

We open on casa de kitty, where our titular feline, Garfield, is sleeping. There’s a test pattern on the tv. Kids, a test pattern is what they would put up when the station ended broadcasting for the day. Yes, television didn’t used to be the 24/7 500+ channel event it is today. The station begins it’s programming, and Binky the Clown wakes Garfield with his signature, Heeeeeey, kids! Time for jumping jacks with Binky! If you don’t exercise, you’ll grow up to be worthless! I hate you Binky! Then Binky calls us all losers. How did this clown get a show? Garfield shuts him off, but realizes that Binky had just said something about candy, and struggles through all five channels to find him again. Yes, five whole channels. The horror! Cue the opening song as Garfield dances around the house to the credits, before returning to bed. He loves Halloween. No pine needles in his paws. No dumb bunnies. No fireworks. No relatives. Just candy. 

  

Garfield wakes later to properly greet the day. He’s excited for all the candy, candy, candy, candy! Steady yourself, Garfield. First, you need a costume. Then you’ve gotta get a sack for all that candy, candy, candy, candy! Easy, boy. Garfield walks to the kitchen with his blanket over him. Jon is busy scooping seeds, after having carved a pumpkin. Garfield scares the bejesus out of him, and the pumpkin winds up on his head. Jon asks why he can’t stay mad at him. The answer is, “cause I’m a cat”. Truer words were never spoken. Jon says the pumpkin is ruined, and pulls it off his head. It promptly lands on Odie’s. Garfield mistakes pumpkin glop for lasagna and has a bite. Jon tells him what he ate, and he spits it out, and drops the bowl on the floor. Cats really are jerks. Jon offers him a proper breakfast. Garfield leaves. Then comes back for the sweet roll. Then the bacon and croissant. Then he just takes the whole damn tray. Good kitty. Cut to pumpkin Odie drinking from his dish. Blanket Garfield tries to scare him too, but instead he gets scared by the pumpkin-headed dog. He tells Odie that it’s not nice to scare people. Then he breaks into his stand up routine. Odie is so dumb, he’d have to stand on a chair to raise his IQ. He’s ugly too, it would take two of him to get any uglier. He’s so ugly, he wouldn’t need a mask to go trick of treating. Wait! If he takes Odie with him, then he can have two sacks of candy, candy, candy! Garfield, you’re a genius. He tells Odie that Halloween is a night where dogs help cats get candy, and if they do a good job, they get a piece of candy for themselves. He gets Odie worked up like he’s about to throw a tennis ball, while on a car ride. First things first, costumes. To the attic! Garfield breaks the fourth wall to tell us there are times he actually loves that dog. 

  

Attic of Jon’s future Hoarder’s episode. Garfield opens a box to find Jon’s bow tie, sunglasses, cousin Wanda’s wig, aunt Orpha’s false teeth, Roy Ogle’s root, string, sealing wax, all being tossed at Odie. Garfield turns to see him covered in everything, and jumps. Odie doesn’t look half bad. Garfield makes him take it off, and they continue their search. He finds the mother load in a trunk. Time for a musical number. What’ll I be? There’s so many sides to me. I know the feeling, kitty. So many sides of ourselves that we want to express, so few opportunities to do so. At the end of the song, Garfield says he has the perfect costumes for them. Cut to Garfield walking to the kitchen dressed as a pirate, complete with peg leg. Garfield stabs Jon’s lasagna, and claims it for himself. Odie appears with four peg legs, and Garfield removes them. Jon says they look ridiculous. Garfield says he’s killed for less than that, but let’s Jon live, as he’s the only one who changes the kitty litter. You’d think with as anthropomorphized as he is, Garfield could use and flush a toilet. Jon gives Garfield & Odie each a sack, and tells them not to be out late. Jim Davis has a very blurred line on their reality. 

  

Without “parental” escort, Garfield and Odie venture out into the night. Garfield sings a piratey song as they travel. Odie invades his personal space, cause he’s scared. Garfield tells him that it’s just kids like them that are out trick or treating, and that there’s nothing to be afraid of. He pulls the mask off of one to prove it. Garfield starts in on a song about not being a scaredy cat. To punctuate that line, he lifts a mask or costume, sees something scary, screams, and runs around it a few times before taking off. It’s worth pointing out that all of these kids are his size. Even on hind legs, Garfield can’t be more than two feet tall. Kids that size shouldn’t be out on Halloween alone, even if it is the 80’s. Anyhow, they reach the first house, and knock. Garfield says, gimme. The lady says you kids look great, and gives them each one piece of candy. How stupid are people in this universe? Clearly they’re a cat and dog in costume. Garfield points his wooden sword at her, and says if she’s not generous, he’ll go after her drapes. Several more pieces of candy fly at them. Again, cat and dog. No speaky English out loud. In print, Garfield speaks in thought bubbles we can read. No person in-universe should be able to understand him. Yes, that’s where I draw the line for my suspension of disbelief. Thank you for listening. Where was I? Oh yes, montage of Garfield and Odie getting lots of candy. 

  

Garfield says they should go across the river and try those houses. Then he wonders if he’s being too greedy, and missing the spirit of Halloween. Nah! Odie just shakes his head. The two take a rowboat, and try to cross the river. Not rowing at all, they’re at the mercy of the current. Garfield tells Odie to put out the oars, and Odie, being a literal dog, puts them in the river. Garfield says he’d walk the plank, if he had one. He laments being a pirate, and says when he gets back to land, he’s giving it up to just be a normal house cat. Odie interrupts his wallowing to point out an island. There’s a spooky looking mansion, and then the thunder claps. Another fourth wall break to say, nice touch. They leave their sacks in the boat, and go peek in the window. There’s a fire going, and Garfield suggests they investigate. He tries to kick the door open first. Um, he was just commenting someone probably lives there, now he’s kicking in their door? Bad kitty! Oh wait, he failed. The door creeks open, and without moving beyond the doorway, Garfield concludes the place is deserted. Then who lit the fire, eh, tough cat? The duo decide to warm themselves by said fire. Garfield turns, and there’s an old man in the chair! They’re so frightened, even the skull on the pirate hat screams. 

  

Garfield and Odie grab one another as the old man tells them to calm down, lest their carrying on stops his old heart. He tells them they picked a bad night to visit, and this could be the worst night of their lives. What he’s about to tell them has never been told to another living soul. Garfield says it’s a catchy beginning. The old man says the island holds a dark, 100 year old secret. That island is where a group of pirates buried their treasure. They had signed a contract, written in blood, vowing to return for the treasure 100 years later, Halloween night, at the stroke of midnight, even if it meant returning from the grave. Thunder claps. Garfield doesn’t believe it. The old man says to believe. The pirates had a ten year old cabin boy. HE was that cabin boy. He never took the treasure. They’d find him. They know who they are, and that they’re in the house. Garfield says he’s ready to leave. He turns to ask the old man if he wants to come too, but he’s gone. They go to the door to see him rowing away. Rats! There goes the boat! Rats! There goes the candy! My boat’s gone. My candy’s gone. Dead pirates are coming any minute. It’s past my bedtime. I wanna go home. I love that cat. 

  

Midnight tolls on the grandfather clock. Garfield and Odie run back to the front door, and see a ghostly ship approaching the island. Chalky ghost pirates rise from the water and head towards the house. Garfield says they need to hide, since “they know where we are”. Good plan. Odie tries to hide in flowers. Garfield makes them hide in a cupboard. The ghost pirates enter the house, and circle the floor, before going under it. The floor cracks, and the treasure appears. The floor is then magically restored. Odie sneezes, and they’re discovered by one of the ghosts. 

  

They flee, and reach the dock. With their boat gone, Garfield says they have to swim for it, and they both dive. Then he remembers that he can’t swim. Garfield goes down, and his hat stays afloat. Odie swims over to it, and looks inside for Garfield before tossing it away. Stupid dog. Then we see Garfield trying to grab a branch to stop himself, but it breaks. Maybe he should cut down in the lasagna. Odie dives down and retrieves the poor kitty from the water. They reach the shore, and Garfield takes Odie by the paw and says he owes him one. The old man was right. It was the worst night of his life. He’s had nightmares that look like birthday parties compared to it. They begin to walk off, and see the boat, complete with candy. Garfield comments that the pirates can have the treasure, he wants the candy, candy, candy, candy. 

  

Back at home, Garfield says he’s going to do something out of character. Since Odie saved his life 18 zillion times, Garfield is going to give him something of personal worth, and sacrifice on his part, his own half of the candy. Odie barks in appreciation. Yeah, yeah, I love you too, now go away. A cat after my own heart. Garfield says he’s wired, and turns on the tv. There the old man, in Garfield’s pirate hat, saying it’s time for a pirate movie festival. Garfield decides he’s actually tired, grabs his bear, Pookie, pulls the blanket over him, and goes to sleep. Credits. 

That’s just as good as I remember it from back in the day. That’s why I make it an annual viewing staple; even before the great pumpkin. Don’t worry, that one’s coming up. Until next tomb, slay geeky, and keep candy, candy, candy, candy! 

  

Alamo City Comic Con – Day 3

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–by Bevianna Bones

The third day of conventions is usually a shorter, more peaceful day. Artists and vendors generally start discounting their wares and the crowd is usually less than half it was the day before.  Day 3 at the ACCC was still serving up some great panels in Flash Gordon, Comic Book Men, Edward James Olmos, Villians of Arrow, and Guardians of the Galaxy. Sadly the later was overbooked and it was going to be standing room only; by this point in the con, my partner and I were pretty peopled out and decided to cut the panels from the itinerary. We spent the day visiting with some of the artists and vendors; knocking out about half of our Xmas shopping for the fam.  We ran into some of our pals and had a little fun with some cosplayers. Shenanigans!  We did get to sneak a pic of Stan Lee.  He was signing autographs and he literally looked like someone was propping him up. (How did you cast Ms Monroe in this picture, she’s been dead for years…she’s perfect for the part really, she’s lying on the floor, falling out of cupboards…) If anyone out there actually gets that reference, I’ll be most impressed.

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One of our great finds was this awesome Borg standee that we picked up for 5 bucks. What a steal!!

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And the hilarity ensued! While visiting with some of our pals, Darth Vadar enters the room with an entourage of Sith cheerleaders. People start snapping pics, and other people in Star Wars garb start joining the group. (Including some of our own Jedi pals)

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I’m laughing to myself about how some of these Star Wars fans are flipping their shit for this epic photo op, and realize I’m holding this Borg in my hand. I look over to the misses and mention how funny it would be to go put the Borg in the pic, since Wars fans generally have no sense of humor when it comes to Trek being better. The result, was this.

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Best part is, my friend that took that pic was telling me that everyone else taking the picture was asking why the Borg was there. Great stuff. And it became a bit of an ongoing theme for us the rest of the day. Photo-Borging other people’s pics.  Good times.

All in all, it was a great geeky weekend, despite my frustration from being around large swarms of people. Saturday’s attendance numbers were estimated to close to 100,000 people. (All wanting to see the Walking Dead panel haha) Oh, and the cheesey wristband did actually hold up for all three days, albeit a bit ragged by the end.

In it’s third year, it only has kept getting better, and if any of the powers that be are reading this, here’s these geeks request for next year: more retro panels and less current events. But maybe I’m just biased, after all 3G is all about the retro and fabulous.

To wrap up, I’ll leave you with some of my favorite cosplay pics we took. Imagine each photo fading in and out, with a soft Sarah McLachlan playing in the background as you scroll through.

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–BB

Alamo City Comic Con – Day 2

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–by Bevianna Bones

Holy cattle!! Call the sheep hearders, Batman! Was I ever wrong! If you read yesterday’s recap you’ll know that I had much hope for an avoided cluster fuck here on day 2. It is to laugh. The experience for us actually began on our way to the convention center, as the monitors above the freeway stressed how parking at the Almaodome (told you everything here had to represent the Alamo…remember the Alamo!! How could we forget at this rate…) was by permit only for the…game? For those of you not familiar with the downtown layout and parking situation in the Alamo city; the Alamodome is across the street from the convention center which is across the street from the rivercenter and riverwalk, which is across the street from Hemisfair park, which is next to the Tower of America’s, which is next to the precious Alamo.

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Top this off, that minus the tourists, San Antone is the seventh largest city in the nation with a population of nearly 1.5 million. To accommodate all of this, our current infrastructure and city planning accommodates approximately 1,000 downtown parking spaces, give or take 500 or so.

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(Truth be told, I was looking for my useless information picture, but unfortunately couldn’t easily find it. Insert new “joke” here)

So there we are, heading down to the convention center when it occurs to me that the opening of college football season was last weekend and our homegrown UTSA Roadrunners were in fact having their first home game. Texans love their high school and college football. Way more than any “normal” people should, but that’s a topic for another day. Just know, that the combination of the regular, everyday parking situation, the football game, and the comic con all at the same time lead to extreme frustration with the parking situation.  We parked around 11:15 or so, and by 11:40 were still in line to pay for the space at the terminal. The mate stayed in line to pay, whilst I ran to the convention center (about 4 blocks away at this point) to find a sea of people flowing it’s way through the doors to purchase tickets. The Legends of Wrastlin panel started at noon. I had zero time, nor did I have the patience to wait in line again. I had already waited yesterday to get my pass. I had purchased online a month ago. Look at all these people who waited until the last minute. Who, because of their procrastination, made my parking situation worse.

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I had to get in. So I cut across the crowd, flashing my wristbands, like I owned the place and waltzed in. By the time I got into the line for the ballroom I had a few moments to spare and made the wrastlin on time. The misses had to sit it out unfortunately, but I don’t think she was nearly as excited about seeing a group of once were superstars all washed up and wrinkly.

The line up for the panel was supposed to have included Jerry Lawler, Ric Flair, JBL, Chyna, Rob Van Damne, and originally Rowdy Roddy Piper (RIP). After waiting for another 20 minutes for the panel to begin, some WWE spokesman came out to to the stage and gave us some spill about how when they brought Chyna out, we all needed to chant “Hall of Fame” for some promotional bullshit they are making. After a few more minutes, the moderator finally came out and introduced us to the panel, Chyna and RVD.

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Wait, who? Are they bringing them all out separately? Is that why there is only a loveseat on the stage? Where are the Nature Boy and The King supposed to sit? Surely they will bring them out…wait, this is it? This is the whole thing? What happened to the rest of them? Oh well, I guess I’ll just listen as RVD acts like an STD and reaffirm my thoughts that he’s a total DB.

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Then, Chyna opened up about her Playboy shoot, and named it the highlight of her career then told us she likes to spend her time mediating in Japan. She reminded of the porn star sketch in Amazon Women on the Moon.

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After those thrilling twenty plus minutes of stimulating conversation, the panel ended and the crowd dispersed so the Walking Dead panel could start. My hopes that I could just go get back in line for the Walking Dead were soon crushed. The line to get into it was wrapped twice around the convention floor. The mate and I agreed that neither of us wanted to deal with it, and decided we would catch the Breaking Bad one instead, which started at 2.

We shopped, we laughed, we perused and took pictures of the cosplayers (which will be highlighted in a separate post) and at about twenty til 2, we decided it was best to get in line for Breaking Bad. When we got to the ballroom doors, there were still people filing in for the Walking Dead. What. The. Fuck. So we ask the people that are working the con, where the line for Breaking Bad was, and they tell us that the people lined up are for Sons of Anarchy and Walking Dead. I asked them politely a couple where the Breaking Bad line is and no one seemed to know; so, again channeling a young Debbie, I proclaimed to them that the line for it would essentially start in the spot I was standing, on account that no one knew what was going on.

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Be its that Walking, and Breaking were held in the same ballroom, by the time they got everyone in there, there was about 20 minutes left of the actual panel that was supposed to have been 45. Luckily the ballrooms all have private bars, so the mate and I got some much needed “refreshments” by the time our panel started.

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Breaking Bad ft. RJ Mitte, was to feature production stories from the set as told from the perspective of Walt Jr. And, while we got a few snippets of facts about Bryan Cranston, (Somebody brushed up on their Wiki before the show…) the majority of the panel felt like a motivational seminar about being handicapable. Alcohol definitely made this one go down easier.

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In light of the “Walking Dead Debacle”, we decided to skip Stan Lee. We we’re peopled out. We ate, shopped more, visited with some of the vendors, and some of our friends that were there and called it a day.  We are both looking forward to a quieter and more laid back day 3 today. Our lineup today includes Flash Gordon (the 80s tastic one), Comic Book Men, My Little Pony, Extreme Horror, and Guardians of the Galaxy.

Oh and here’s an aerial view I got of part of the convention floor. The crowd had died down at this point.

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Until next time.

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–BB

Dungeons & Dragons – The Night of no Tomorrow

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By Joshie Jaxon

Hey, look! The Dungeons & Dragons ride! Six children enter. How many leave? None. Because they’re pulled through a portal, and arrive in a strange land, dressed in strange clothes. Before they can figure out where they are, a five-headed dragon (FHD) attacks them. A creepy little toad looking guy tells them not to fear. Ranger, Barbarian, Magician, Thief, Cavalier, and Acrobat. No sooner do try get their power items, but they run face to face with Venger. The FHD tries to blast him, and Venger flees. Toad man tells the group that he is called Dungeon Master, and he will be their guide in the realm of Dungeons & Dragons. That’s a lot to take in during the opening credits. A know I watched this show as a kid, because I remember that opening sequence, but that’s all. I know Venger usually makes the great 80’s villains lists, but he just isn’t ringing any bells. Maybe he’ll win me over as we continue. Knowing nothing of D&D, I don’t know if there are any “in” jokes about or from the game. That being said, I love 80’s toons, so let the geeks begin! 

  

We open on the group climbing a mountain. They have names, but I’m not going to bother learning them, when I can refer to them by their class, like any good republican would. The barbarian encourages the little unicorn, aptly named Uni, to hurry up the mountain. They marvel at the view, and the echoes. Cavalier tells the thief to get control of her brother. She says he isn’t bothering anyone. Cavalier says he’s bothering him, and he’s trying to think of a way home. I wonder if they’ve tried clicking their heels together three times. The barbarian encourages Uni to try the echo. When he/she/it neighs/bleats/whatever, there’s no echo. Uni tries again, but this time we hear the roar of Tiamat the dragon (FHD). The dragon wants to know why they woke her. Barbarian charges at her, as his thief sister tells him that FHD is indestructible. Ranger shoots a magic arrow to knock barbarian out of the way of the fire, lightning, energy blast from three of the heads. Thief lures the dragon back to cave from whence it came, and uses her invisibility cloak to get away. Her barbarian brother knocks a boulder down to block the entrance. Acrobat says she can understand why Venger is afraid of that dragon. You should be too, sweetie. It has five heads.

  

Dungeon Master appears, and congratulates them. Cavalier is sick of DM’s riddles, and wants a straight answer on how to get home. Patience, all things have a purpose, including their being there. I have a feeling this series is gonna end with them always having the power to return home. Call it a hunch. DM tells the group to go north, to Helix. There, they might, keyword MIGHT find something that will assist them on their way home. Helix was once terrorized by dragons. They were ruled by the face of evil, Venger. You shall know him by his white hair. Um, Venger wears a helmet, we can’t see his hair. Oh well. DM walks behind a rock and disappears. Cavalier hates it when he does that. Didn’t they just get there in the opening credits? How long have these kids been there? Thief is worried. Acrobat says she’s always worried. DM said they should go north, so that’s what they should do. Did I mention Acrobat is a sassy black girl? If I were a different sort of comic, I would call her Afrobat. Alas, I’m not a Lampanelli, a Rivers, or even a Rickles, so I’ll stick with Acrobat. On second thought, it’s too good a name to pass up. Afrobat, ho! 

  

All this time walking is a waste of time. Cavalier would give anything for dad’s limo. Barbarian would give the limo for a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Magician says he’ll make magic burgers. Cavalier says last time they got live turkeys. Hey, he couldn’t help it if the hat thought it was Thanksgiving. He tries for burgers, and gets a live cow. Sassy Afrobat says she likes her burgers more well done than that. None of them has a sword, since we have to think of the children, even though He-Man, Lion-O, Skelletor, Conan, and Voltron all had swords, so the magician tries to get the cow back in his hat. No fresh burgers today. The party passes a sign that says they’re near Merlin’s castle. Then they pass a sign saying it’s the way they came. They can’t figure it out. Afrobat says they forgot to look up. Cue the floating castle in the sky. If only they had a way up. Cue the magical golden ladder. Kids, you’re in a strange land being guided by toady little creep, perhaps you should just think twice about climbing the ladder. They ignore my advice, and climb. They do however think twice about Venger and his white hair. I wonder if that’s about to be important.

  

Cavalier says they have a place like this in Malibu, and wishes he were there. So do your friends. Ranger suggests he swim across the moat, but cavalier isn’t into skydiving. Afrobat says she can handle it, and uses her staff to jump the sky moat, and lower the draw bridge. They enter the castle and meet Merlin, who not only has white hair, but a white rabbit. Merlin says he can do many things, but he can’t grow hair. He removes his hat, with attached wig to reveal that he’s bald. He guides the children to his cauldron. Warning bells, anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Anyhow, Merlin says he can’t help them home, but he can tell them about where they’re headed. Helix fought against a conqueror, who vowed vengeance upon his defeat. Barbarian says that DM told them this already. Ah, but what he didn’t tell you is one year, Merlin appeared, cast a spell, and used his good magic to banish the evil dragons forever. Anyone else notice that Merlin referred to himself in the third person? Anyone else think that rabbit is a hare? If so, we can still be friends. Cavalier says if Merlin isn’t going to help, then he’s leaving. He opens the door, and is face to faces with FHD.

  

Barbarian charges at her. Merlin uses magic to get him to safety. He tells the kids they must leave. Ranger offers to distract it while the others get away. Afrobat, and not Merlin, whose castle this allegedly is, directs them out the door. They close the door, and reinforce it with a wooden beam. Yeah, a gigantic, not to mention fire-breathing, dragon is gonna be stopped by a door. Then again a door held Hurt, Tennant, and Smith in the Tower of London, so why not. Merlin says there’s no escape from the dungeon. Wait, they wanna trap a dragon in the dungeon. Isn’t that a little, I dunno, majorly obvious? Magician conjures a carpet to cover the entrance, while Afrobat lures FHD over. The dragon falls for the trap, cause not one of it’s five heads had a brain. Merlin and the others use another wooden post to hold the wooden dungeon entrance closed. They never learn. Thief gives Merlin back his bunny, but he corrects her that it’s a hare. Merlin thanks them for saving his life. Life? They thought he was supposed to live forever. Oh, goodness no, he’s only seventy. He’s at that age where he wants to pass on his magical secrets, perhaps to magician? Only if he stays for the rest of his life. The group says that magician would never leave them. Wait for it, he’s leaving them to become Merlin’s apprentice. 

  

The party leaves, heading for Helix. Meanwhile, Merlin says they’ll have to deal with the dragon in the dungeon. How? Merlin says his spell book has the answers to all questions, and with that dangling carrot, he orders his new apprentice to stir the cauldron until he returns. Magician can’t resist, and ignores the cauldron to read. We know time passed based on the candle burning down. Thinking he’s found the right one, he raids the pantry for ingredients, and adds them to the cauldron. After the last one is added, smoke starts to rise, and takes the shape of a dragon. Uh oh. This won’t get him home. Yes, that was his first concern, before calling for help. He tracks down Merlin, who knows exactly what he did. Mainly because he switched the spells. Only good magic could undo Merlin’s spell. Wait a sec, there’s that third person speak again. You’re Merlin, aren’t you? The magician finally asks. Merlin says that Merlin has been dead a thousand years; he’s better known as Venger! He takes magician’s hat, and goes after Helix. 

  

Town of Helix, festival celebrating the defeat of the dragons. Ranger says he’s looking for a way home. Barbarian and Uni are busy hitting rocks with his club. Thief and Afrobat are at a fortune teller. She looks in the crystal, telling them she sees fortune for them. A second later, she’s saying the dragons will return. Ranger tells the mayor that he’s not sure why they’re there, but at least he got to meet Merlin. The mayor says that’s impossible, as he’s been dead a thousand years. He passed shortly after casting the spell that defeated Venger’s dragons. Um, Venger is over a thousand? Clearly he’s already got power and longevity. Why is he targeting Earth kids? Oh, that’s right, the Deus ex machina. Fortune teller runs to the mayor, saying the dragons are back. Thief and Afrobat say they need to go get Merlin. Ranger says it wasn’t Merlin. Afrobat says they saw him, he was there, stroking his white rabbit. No, ranger corrects her, it was his hare; his WHITE HARE! Afrobat says they thought they meant hair on your head, not hare. And with that, she loses a few points, and so do children everywhere collectively, since they didn’t have to figure it out on their own. They need to get magician away from Venger. They’ll need horses. Check the stables. 

  

The dragons start to destroy Helix. The mayor says it’s not the worst of it. Legend says the final assault will come soon, and the town will be completely destroyed. Wait, what legend? This is the first we’re hearing about a legend. Sigh. Ranger says Venger must have reversed Merlin’s spell. The one that kept the dragons away. Yes, thief, good girl. Double sigh. They reach Merlin’s castle, and luckily this is the 80’s, and Venger didn’t bother to pull the ladder up to prevent intruders. The group rushes upstairs, to discover magician playing with the hare. Not tied up. Not locked up. Free to come and go if he pleases. Ranger tells him that he needs to cast Merlin’s spell again. Venger says he won’t be casting any more spells tonight. He has the wizard hat, and now he wants the other objects of power too. Barbarian clubs the ground until books rain down on Venger. Ranger tells the group to keep him busy, while he and magician cast Merlin’s spell. Cavalier asks if they’re supposed to tell Venger jokes. Thief has an idea.

  

In the cauldron room, magician is saying he can’t do this, as ranger gives him a pep talk. Venger enters the chamber and says it’s over. Meanwhile, thief asks the group what’s the one thing Venger fears? FHD! They’re gonna let the dragon loose? Don’t they have enough problems? Venger continues to menace the others, saying he’ll add all their powers to his own. Cue FHD through the wall. Venger turns his attention to the immediate threat, and blasts at it, before fleeing, saying he’ll win in the end. FHD follows him through another wall. 

  

Time to see if magician can save the day, er, night. In the name of Merlin! In the time of sorrow! Banish winged demons! Let there be tomorrow! The dragons in Helix disappear, and the group celebrates back on the ground. The ladder and the castle disappear, and magician says now he’ll never get his hat back. Well, maybe you should’ve looked for it before leaving, genius. DM appears, and gives him back his hat. Cavalier says why can’t he return them home, but DM is already gone. Ranger tells magician that in Helix, he’s a hero. They all decide to ride there. Cavalier says he won’t share a horse. Magician conjures up the cow from earlier. Credits

  

Not a bad premier. I got a better idea of the kids’ personalities and motivations than I did Venger’s. It left a lot of questions unanswered. Why does Venger love his hare? Did Glenn Close get one in the past? Is that why he’s called “Venger”, cause he’s avenging his old fluffy friend? Why would Venger leave his hare with magician? Why are the kids going along with DM’s orders? The most important question though is, how did FHD get through the castle undetected the first time, since she clearly doesn’t use doors? I’ll leave you to ponder that. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

  

Invader Zim – The Nightmare Begins

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By Joshie Jaxon

 
Some may argue that Invader Zim is too new to be featured on our site, which is devoted to all things retro. However, Invader Zim is fourteen years old, and a cult classic. I’m counting it. Besides, I appreciate the humor in it now, more than I ever did when it was new. I didn’t follow Zim during it’s initial run, so there’s no real nostalgia to this one for me. All jokes will be made strictly from my adult standpoint and observation. Let the geeks begin! 

  

Welcome, Irken soldiers, to Conventia, the convention hall planet. An entire planet just for conventions? I wonder if Comic Con thought of expanding there? Can you picture Hiddleston standing in Hall Gleeb, shouting “Kneel!”? I can, but then again I usually picture Tom Hiddleston telling me to kneel. That’s a story for another day. Conventia has complimentary teleporters, as well as a gift shop, for lots of cheap, useless, stuff. Their words not mine. I love when shows have quality humor. Speaking of, the Irkens walk past someone holding an X-Ray machine. Now, I thought the Irkens were insects, since they have antennae and big bug eyes, but they seem humanoid, because they have skeletons, as opposed to the traditional insect exoskeleton. Relevance? None. Just another fun factoid that you’ve come to expect.

  

As the convention hall that they are in fills, we’re told to wiggle our antennae in salute to our powerful leaders, Almighty Tallest Red and Almighty Tallest Purple. Irken society places value on hight, as opposed to skill, it would seem. I though gay men were the size queens. Red tells Purple that the laser show was a success. Purple says a fog machine would have worked, and then the poor guys gets hit in the eye with a laser. Red tells the audience they are the finest warriors, but they’ve selected their choices for Operation Impending Doom 2! Now with 47% more doom! These superior ones, but not quite as superior as the Almighty ones, will be assigned to an enemy planet. There, they will blend in to their native society, gather crucial information, assessing the planet’s weakness, making it vulnerable for their invading big, spaceship, gang. The armada? Yes!

  

  

Let the assigning begin! The first invader steps up, and is assigned to the planet of the slaughtering rat-people. The invader has tears in his eyes, and starts to stammer. Wouldn’t you? However, because of this invaders increased height, he’ll be assigned to the planet that is home to the universe’s most comfortable couch. Um, why is that planet an enemy? They won’t share their couch technology? Whatevs. Cut to a ship making it’s way to Conventia. We hear shouting to get out of the way. Someone has road rage. Is it still called road rage in space? There aren’t any roads. Space rage? Anyhow, the sorting ends with the last, and shortest, Irken being assigned to the planet of the slaughtering rat-people. This Irkan is ready to cry too. Oh well. Sorting over, help yourself to nachos. You mooches. 

  

Zim shoves his way to the front of the crowd. He begs the tallest’s forgiveness. He couldn’t find his invitation. That’s because he wasn’t invited. Apparently Zim had been banished to FoodCourtia. Zim quit when he found out about the assigning. He quit being banished? Yep. He’s a strong, independent, green Irken, that don’t need no man. Red and Purple tell him the sorting is over. Zim says they can’t do this without him. He was in Operation Impending Doom 1. They remember. Flashback to Zim in a giant mech, ala Power Rangers or Voltron, smashing and blasting his way across the planet. His troops tell him they’re still on their own planet. Zim orders them to keep turning knobs and pulling levers. 

  

Hey, he put the fires out. No, he made them worse. Besides, no invader has ever been so, small. Zim says invader blood runs in his veins, and not to deny him. To thank Zim for his service in the past, Red reaches into the front of his pants, and gives him a sandwich. But, he’s allergic to nuts. Sorry, had to. The tallest decide to send him to a planet so mysterious, no one knows where it is, and those who do, dare not speak it’s name. Zim asks for the name. Purple says he dare not speak it. Zim asks where it is, and they point to a post-it that says “planet?” on it. A secret mission. Score! 

  

On Earth, we see a boy on a rooftop, listening to the transmission from Red and Purple about the universe belonging to the Irken empire. He scrambles into the house to warn his family. Not now son, I’m making… Toast! Dib’s sister, Gaz, doesn’t care either. Dib can’t even tell them who’s coming. 

  

Back with the Irkens, it’s time to get your SIR, Strategic Information Robot. All the fancy models are obedient to a fault. Zim can’t wait to have his own robot slave. Red says they have a special model for him. Red goes through the recycle bin, while Purple prevents Zim from peeking. After assembling spare parts, and the contents of their pockets, they present Zim with his robot. He takes one look at it, and says it doesn’t look good. Uh, that’s what the enemy will think. Zim buys it, and is honored to be trusted with such advanced technology. The robot activates, and introduces itself as Gir. Zim asks what the G is for. Gir doesn’t know. He pulls a derp face and sticks out his tongue as he hits himself in the head. Zim asks if it’s supposed to be stupid. It’s not stupid, it’s “advanced”. In their spaceship, Zim tells Gir that it’s time for them to rain doom down on their doomed enemies, on their doomed planet, in their doomed solar system, in the doomed universe! I may have made some of that up. Gir says he’s gonna sing the doom song now. Sing it with me now, doom, doom, doom, doom…

  

Six months later, Gir is still singing, and Zim is in a stupidity coma. He’s checked out to avoid brain damage from the doom song. That doom, doom doom doom doom. He comes to, and is ready to kill Gir. The sensor tells him they are approaching a planet. Zim asks Gir to stop. Gir holds up a finger, and finishes the verse. Then he gets excited. Zim explains that they’ll need to set up a base of operations. Time for Gir’s advanced technology. Observe what Earthlings consider to be normal, so they can make their disguises accordingly. Gir looks around like a puppy going for his first car ride. Zim finds a spot to park the cruiser, and says this is where they will build. He asks Gir what he learned. I saw a squirrel! Oh, Gir. 

  

Zim goes to a control panel and selects a disguise. It’s so good, that Gir doesn’t recognize him, and wonders where his master went. Zim says that Gir should be a dog. Gir wants to be a mongoose dog. Quiet! Do you want to wake up the whole planet? “I dooo”. After Gir has his green dog suit on, they begin to design their home. Zim draws up a plan, and sets it in a capsule that drills into the Earth. He and Gir hide, as the drill reaches it’s depth, and extends outward, building their house, and underground base. It attaches itself to the neighboring homes, and saps some of their resources. Lawn gnomes, flamingoes, and an I heart Earth flag complete the design. Zim grabs Gir’s leash, and walks him to the front door. Two half-assed robots stand there, and say welcome home, son. The illusion is flawless. So is the interior design. A toilet in the kitchen? That is so totally Earth.

  

Zim wants to find the fastest way to learn about the planet so they can conquer the giant ball of filthy dirt. He decides to enroll in skool. Yes, it’s spelled that way. Mrs. Bitters introduces Zim as the latest useless appendage to the education system. Zim then introduces himself as a perfectly normal human worm baby. Pay no attention to him, and you’ll be fine. Dib is in the class, and has a horrified look on his face. Today’s lesson is on outer space. Bitters says the the universe is doomed to implode on itself. Zim asks in the event of a full alien invasion, how prepared the Earth would be. Smooth. Dib can’t take it. Is he the only one who sees the alien in class? The students all look around. Dib calls out Zim as one of the monsters he’s been talking about. Zim gets ready to push his self-destruct armband. 

  

The students call Dib crazy. Dib points out Zim’s green skin, and lack of ears. Zim says it’s a skin condition. Dib tries again to point out Zim’s lack of human features. The kids are sick of hearing it. Jumping on the bandwagon, Zim says he’s always like that. Dib shouts that he just got there. Dib says there’s finally a way for him to prove that he’s… “Crazy” Zim adds. Ah, the students can see that. Dib and Zim stare each other down, as Bitters repeats doomed, doomed, doomed. Foreshadowing?

  

After school, Dib says that Zim’s disguise may have fooled the others, but not him. He’ll bring Zim before them without his disguise. He has alien handcuffs, guaranteed to work. Zim laughs. How will they work if he’s never met an alien before? He has, right now. Dib chases Zim through town. Zim shouts to be left alone, he just wants to be normal. They fight atop a bus, but Zim falls onto a fence. Pitiful human! He shouts, before being promptly mauled by a dog. Dib searches the bushes for signs of Zim. Zim gets behind him, and shoves him into the yard with the dog. 

  

Gir! Help! Gir rockets through town to get Zim, and blasts back to their house. Only problem with that plan is that they left a smoke trail to follow. Dib shows up, and Zim orders Gir inside. It’s too late. Dib knows where you live now. He’ll wait forever if he has to. A lawn gnome targets the handcuffs, and destroys them. Inside the house, we can hear Dib still shouting from outside about how he’s going to prepare, and blah, blah, blah. Zim tells Gir he feels good about how the day went. 

  

On the good ship Almighty Tallest, they receive an incoming transmission from Earth. Neither of them knows what Earth is. They are surprised to see Zim on screen, and alive. Zim says the mission is going well. He’ll have the planet taken care of before the armada can even arrive. Invader Zim, signing off. Red and Purple just blink and the screen. Shouldn’t have underestimated the little guy. He’s got something to prove. Until next time, everyone. Stay geeky, and keep gabbing. 

  

Thundercats (2011) – Omens, Part 1

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By Joshie Jaxon


These were days of peace and prosperity on Third Earth. When one empire stood above all others. Ruling with a just heart and a razor claw. And though omens foretold in the book would be ignored, the tragedy to come was necessary. For it was written that he would be born of fire. A King to lead his people to victory, against ancient spirits of evil. Damn, Jaga, that is some good series set up. Not as catchy as Thundercsts are on the move. Thundercsts are loose, but I’ll take it. I love all things Thundercats, and this reboot is no exception. I love the voice acting, the plot, and the gorgeous animation. Let the geeks begin! 

  

I can’t pretend we don’t already know these characters on sight, so I’m not gonna. Snarf, and a hooded Lion-O are walking through the bad part of town. It’s worth mentioning that in this version, Snarf isn’t anthropomorphic; he’s just a regular cat. It makes him oodles cuter. We see a canine thrown into a stand, with a hulking looking merchant cat threatening him. Lion-O says even though he’s a dog, no one should be treated that way. The threatening cat turns his sights on Lion-O, who makes short work of him and his crew. Snarf, bring a normal kitty, runs between the legs of one of them, and makes him fall. Two minutes in and he’s already being useful. The merchant grabs Lion-O from behind, and has him in a sleeper hold. That is, of course, until he’s rescued by Cheetara. She points out that the king’s son shouldn’t be playing with ally cats. Revealed as the prince, the merchant cat and crew flee from Lion-O. Cheetara wants to know why he’s in the slums. It depends on if she can keep a secret or not.

  

Kitty Castle, throne room. King Claudus is complaining that Lion-O is neglecting his princely duties. Why can’t he be more like Tygra? Tyrga tells his father that’s impossible. Father? How did a lion make a tiger? At the very least he should be called Lygra. Back in the slums, Lion-O takes Cheetara to a friend of his that deals in collectibles, er, black market items. Lion-O says it’s what’s outside Thundera’s walls, it’s what the Book of Omens called, technology. He hands her a Berbil arm, as she calls it fairy tales. The merchant shows him a piece of tech. Lion-O says as cubs they heard tales of ships that could sail through the sky. He never bothered to outgrow them. A bell tolls, and Lion-O splits after paying the merchant. 

  

Tygra looks bored as they wait for Lion-O, who comes running in, apologizing. Claudus tells Jaga to begin the rite of passage. The clerics are ordered to bring in the Sword of Omens. Tygra winks as the one holding it, who has very familiar eyes. Jaga explains that though he’ll one day wear the crown, the Eye of Thundera will be able to see if there is a King inside of him. Lion-O takes the sword as Claudus tells him that it’s what allowed the Thundercats to build their empire. He says he’ll show Lion-O what it’s capable of in the right hands. Tygra tosses him a sword, and Claudus goes after Lion-O with the Sword of Omens. As they clash, Claudus gives us a history lesson. “The book told that it was the Thundercats, our ancestors who first defeated Mumm-Ra. It was the Thundercats who brought law and order to a world of warring animals. It is now the Thundercats who are strong enough to maintain this fragile peace.” Now, I don’t know if he’s setting up the history for this universe, or if his history lesson is in reference to the prior series. Not wanting to make the heads of the modern kids hurt, I’m sure they pretend the original series didn’t exist. However, they cast the original voice of 80’s Lion-O to play Claudus. A small nod for fanboys like me. 

  

Claudus punctuates his story by driving the sword into the ground, as it crackles with electricity. Lion-O takes it, and begins to swing. Lightning builds along the blade as he continues. He touches the sword to the Thundercat symbol on the ground, and holds it in front of his face. Sight beyond site shows him two red glowing eyes. Spoiler alert- they’re Mumm-Ra’s. Lion-O stops, and when Claudus asks why, he says he saw something. Jaga asks what it was. Not wanting to share, Lion-O decides to point out two girls in the courtyard. Meow! Claudus tells him the sword is ready, but he is not. 

  

Later that day, it’s announced that something is approaching the walls to the city. Claudus looks, and is pleased. It appears to be a massive crystal that looks like the corruption in Darksiders II, and Diablo III. As Claudus and sons ride out to meet it, we see that it is being pulled by lizards in chains, as a sabertooth with one fang rides atop it. Um, Slavery is bad, mm kay? Anyhow, Tygra is happy to see Grune, as is Claudus. Anything that big has to be a trap, but I only know this because I’ve seen cartoons before. Claudus asks where Panthro is. Grune says that it’s because of Panthro’s sacrifice that he’s even there, and gives his nunchucks to Claudus. Tomorrow they will mourn, but today they will celebrate.

  

That night, Claudus tells his people of the treasures Grune discovered, and new lands they can conquer. The Trojan stone sits in the middle of the square. We pan through the festivities, and meet Wily Kit, and Wily Kat. She offers to play a man a song for money. He refuses, but once she starts playing, he’s hypnotized by the melody. Meanwhile, Kat picks his satchel for change. She stops playing, and the spell is broken. Elsewhere, cats are throwing fruit at two lizards in the stocks. Lion-O tells them to stop. The lizards beg for mercy. They only stole to feed their families. The one lizard says trying to get mercy from a cat is like trying to get water from a stone. Methinks Claudus isn’t the leader he’s made out to be. The cats have the best land and resources. The other species only get scraps. Tyrga approaches, and calls the lizard a criminal. He mutters that the lizard’s only crime is being weaker than the cats. I smell a revolution.

  

Tygra takes Lion-O back to the castle. It’s time for the games. Claudus dedicates them to Panthro. We see some large, intertwined branches above a pool. Two cats compete to get to the top first and ring the bell. Hitting, kicking, clawing, are all legal. In the royal box, Lion-O asks Grune if he saw any technology on his journey. Grune tells Claudus nothing has changed; one son with his head on his shoulders, the other, up in the clouds. He tells Lion-O he saw all sorts of things, but not technology. Tyrga says technology is a myth, like Mumm-Ra. Grune says he’d have made a great king, but the honor is reserved for the bloodline. Tygra’s adopted. It all makes sense now. The rivalry flared, Grune says they should settle it in the games. Both claw and climb to reach the top. Aside from the crown, Lion-O will always be in second place. Tygra kicks Lion-O down to the pool, and rings the bell. 

  

Later, Lion-O says they all think he’s a fool. Grune said there’s no tech, so he’s just chasing a childish dream. Jaga approaches, and says their greatest king will have the gift of sight beyond sight. Sight is useless without action. Lion-O wants to confess about the mini vision he saw. Jaga says there’s time later, and to go enjoy the party. In the city, Kit & Kat rush home with food and scarf it down. Kat tells his sister that he’ll find the map to the city of treasure, and then they won’t want for anything. Elsewhere, a crowd has gathered around the stockade. Cats are waving torches in the lizard’s faces. Lion-O sees it, and wants it to stop. Tygra says the lizards are their greatest enemy. Maybe they don’t have to be. Lion-O tells the crowd that the lizards don’t deserve this. The crowd says they deserve death. One takes a swing at Lion-O, and Tygra steps up. Cheetara runs through the crowd, and ups the odds. The crowd, knowing full well that two of the three are royalty, attack. This cat society is seriously messed up.

  

Tygra breaks out his whip, and does the now you see me, now you don’t, schtick. He must be announcing that for the radio audience, as there’s really no need to announce to the people you’re fighting, that they can’t see you. It’s not like he’s John Cena. Cheetara, Tygra, and Lion-O whoop on the crowd, until Claudus steps in. He can’t believe Lion-O is protecting lizards. No, he’s protecting themselves from becoming the cold blooded creatures they fear. The cats fear the lizards? Not good. Lion-O asks for their release. Claudus says no. Lion-O says he’s thinking like a King, and there are ways to rule beyond the sword. They wouldn’t have lizard problems if they’d stop repressing them. Claudus has the lizards released as an act of good will between the species. I’m thinking too little, too late.

  

Lion-O watches as the lizards leave the city. Cheetara says she was right, and there is something different about him. Back in the square, kitty-cat Snarf is making faces at one of the crystals in the Trojan corruption stone. Snarf walks away, and we see a reptilian shadow in the crystal. Credits

  
Once again a Thundercat premier with no Mumm-Ra, but at least he was mentioned. This series has a darker, more societal tone to it, and I love it. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing!