By Joshie Jaxon
Happy Halloween, geek fans! Ok, so it’s not Halloween quite yet, but still. I’m excited for this post more than almost any other. Want to know why? What do you mean, get to the cartoon? Screw you! This is an epic post, and not just because it launches our Looney Legacy category. This post is our 100th post on the Gab. That’s right, 100 posts in 7 months, with 6500 views in 70 countries. It is mine and Bevianna’s continued pleasure to bring you our humor. Let the geeks begin!
Transylvania, at night. Something is burrowing through the ground, and up a road. It smacks into a tree, and Bugs Bunny emerges. He rubs his neck and quips that the Pennsylvania hardwoods aren’t too soft. The tree has a sign showing he’s actually in Pittsburghe Transylvania. A two-headed vulture lands on the tree. One head, Agitha, asks who the delicious looking creature is. Bugs asks the ladies, er, lady for the shortest route the Pittsburg. The other head, Emily, says he looks sweet and crunchy. Bugs excuses himself and heads up to the castle, that he thinks is a hotel so he can use the phone. Castles don’t have phones, asshole! Sorry, Rocky Horror moment.
There’s a noose hanging from a skull with chimes for teeth. We see above the coffin shaped door that this is the castle of Count Bloodcount. Bugs apologizes for arriving so late in the night. The Count says it’s never too late, and invites him in. Bugs says he wants to call his travel agency, as he wanders through the cobweb infested “lobby”. Meanwhile, the Count is floating around and ducking behind columns. Bugs wonders why hotels always hide their telephone booths. The Count appears before him, and Bugs thinks he’s the head waiter. He asks about the phone, and the Count leads him further into the castle.
Bugs remarks how charming the place is. There’s interesting decor. We see a piano with teeth instead of keys, including a sign that reads “music to croak by”. There’s a painting of a bat that reads, “mother”. Another that says, “Aunt Harriet”. There’s also a tv with skull buttons and actual rabbit ears. Kids, “rabbit ears” is a term used for the antennae that you needed to have in order to watch tv before everything went digital. Then there’s the picture of ghouls scout camp from 1832. The hallways are all coffin shaped as well. I love visual humor.
The Count opens a door and tells bugs that this is his room. Bugs doesn’t want a room, he just wants the phone. The Count holds Bugs’ head in his hand. Rest first, telephone tomorrow. Rest is good for the blood. Bugs agrees that he is a little fatigued. The Count tells Bugs goodbye, er, goodnight. Opens the door a second later and asks if he’s asleep yet. Nope. The Count says to ring if he needs anything, like a cup of cyanide or the like. Bugs can’t sleep in a strange bed no matter how nice the place is. He looks on the bookshelf for something to read. His choices are, Bone Guide, Blood Type Oh!, Unusual Blood Types, Rise and Fall of the Roman Vampire, Bloody Types, Heath and Care of Fangs, Embalmers Almanac, and Magic Words and Phrases. One of these things is not like the other… Bugs chooses the magic book and reads that magic can performed by potions, or by magic words and phases. We see the Count behind Bugs, ready to grab him, when Bugs says the first magic word, abracadabra. The Count is immediately turned into a bat. Bugs mistakes him for a giant mosquito and swats him. The Count flees out the nearby window. Bugs utters the next magic phrase, hocus pocus, and the Count regains his human form, right over the moat. The vulture asks herself if it was anyone they know. No, but he was a splendid specimen though.
Bugs wanders the castle looking for the restaurant. He hasn’t eaten since Cucamonga. The Count floats through the castle after Bugs, who is humming abracadabra. Once again the Count becomes a bat. Bugs sees him, and says they really should screen this place. He reaches off camera for pesticide and sprays the Count. The Count hangs from a doorway, coughing up poison. Then Bugs sings to himself, hocus pocus. Suddenly the Count is hanging by his shoes, and falls on his head. He’s had enough. The Count flies up to Bugs and declares that he’s a vampire. Bugs says abracadabra, and becomes an umpire. The Count says hocus pocus and changes into a bat. Bugs can be a bat too, a baseball bat, abracadabra. The Count puts his red Sally Jesse glasses on and asks if Bugs would hit a bat with glasses on. Bugs smacks him, and he falls in a crack in the stone floor. Hocus pocus, now I crush you! Abracadabra, and stone crushes the bat Count. Muffled Hocus pocus! Count, looking worse for ware, holds the stone up again. Abracadabra! Crush! Strained, hocus pocus. The Count, with bloodshot eyes, struggles to hold up the stone. Abracadabra! Crushed again. I laugh at this every single time.
Count batty crawls out from under the stone. Bugs, taking off his umpire uniform, says abracapocus. We get human body, with tiny bat head. Then Bugs tries hocus cadabra. We get bat body with human head. Newport News, turns the Count into a witch. Bugs thinks he can do better. Walla Walla Washington! The Count becomes a two-headed vulture. Bugs goes to the window and calls to the lady vulture. Look, Emily! It’s our little friend. Bugs shows them what he’s done, and the Count looks worried. They chase the Count out the window and into the night. She always said, four heads are better than two.
Bugs finally finds the coffin shaped telephone booth. Kids, a telephone booth is something that existed so that if you weren’t home, and needed to make a call, you could insert some money, and do so. This particular type of phone is a rotary phone, where you had to put your finger in the hole, and turn. It sounds dirtier than it is. This was in the pre-mobile phone, touchscreen, google era. Bugs dials the operator, and asks to be connected to the Acme Travel Service in Perth Amboy, USA. Bugs hums abracapocus and gains bat wings where his ears once were. Bugs clicks on the receiver to tell the operator to cancel the call, he’s gonna fly home instead. Bugs flaps his new ear wings, and flies out into the night, silhouetted against the full moon.