Happy Birthday Warrior Princess!!

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by Bevianna Bones

Friday marked the 20th anniversary of the debut of the greatest television show of all time, Xena:Warrior Princess. It’s hard to believe that it was 20 years ago, or that I am getting old enough to say, “wow, that was 20 years ago? It seems like just yesterday!” And thanks to Netflix, watching Xena can be just like yesterday, or today even. I’ve spent many hours watching the series as it originally aired, through syndication, as the DVD’s were released, and as they’ve been streamed on various devices. It’s definitely one of the geekdom’s I’m most fluent in; I even wrote and did artwork for XMV back in the day. It’s my go to show when I need cheering up, need inspiration to kick some ass, or am having a hard time forgiving myself for mistakes of the past. Thinking about all the joy that the show has brought me over the last twenty years, I figured, why not share some of my favorite moments with you guys. WARNING: THIS COULD POTENTIALLY BE THE LONGEST POST YOU’VE EVER READ (I’ll try to keep the gushing to a minimum)…

The time Gabby got all high on nutbread while Xena was trying to stop some guy from sacrificing his only son.

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(Oh…And there was this…)

The first time that Xena almost lost Gabby. “Don’t leave me!”…sob.

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The time that Xena knocked out a bad guy with their only good frying pan, only to leave Gab trading Xena’s whip for another frying pan.

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The time that Gabby got turned into a vampire, and Xena purposefully let her bite her, So she could become one too in order to kill Baccus.

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The time that Xena died, and her soul was still alive, so she took over Autolycus’ body, and got to steal a kiss from Gabby, who, had also just become Queen of the Amazon’s.

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When Callisto killed Perdipoo. 🙂

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(There’s a smile in Xena’s eyes too…)

The Xena Scrolls.

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(Dr. Janyce Covington…aka Bevianna Bones)

The time Aphrodite places a spell on one of Gabby’s scrolls, and everything she writes happens. To the caves!

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The Hestian virgins and their vegetable gardens.

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The time Xena and Gab got all poopie with each other and they finally decided that in order to resolve their feelings, it was best to just sing it out.

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(Even though she’s making a very “Daddy” face…I promise it’s not the same Renee. A VERY INSIDE JOKE PEOPLE)

The time Xena single handedly fought off an entire army to defend a poisoned, dying, Gab. Sob.

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Xena takes a fishing trip. Gabby’s in love with herself. Joxer, er Atticus, wants furious zug zug; and the whole gang has to stop someone from stealing a diamond or something.

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Xena and Gabby are facing numerous ailments, but continue to battle, and bicker, on; meanwhile, Joxer tries out his cooking skills on an enemy army to save the day.

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Ceasar and Pompeii battle each other incessantly, there are many casualties. Pretty much a shitty situation for all. But out of it all, one of the greatest lessons of all Xena; sometimes all that’s left at the end of the day is to remember that it was a good day of fighting.

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Oh no! Dancing and arts are banned in the city! Don’t call Kevin Bacon…call Xena! She will secretly teach you the art of sexy dance fighting and warm over those sour pusses!

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Xena turns into a fucking deity, takes out Indrajit, makes buds with Krishna; just after Gabs got possessed by a sexy demon who likes to lick things. Oh, and the girls get nifty tattoos.

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When Gabs write a play about the way of love, nobody likes it, so they up the carnage in order to compete with the opening of Buffus the Bachea Slayer across the street.

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The time the gang played Clue on Gabs’ B-Day.

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Faster Gabrielle! Kill! Kill!

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The time the girls turned into archangels, Xena became a demon, and Calisto went all good after Gabs calls her out for being a bitch all the time.

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Amazon High.

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W.T.F?!

I AM LIVIA!!!!

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(Seriously, I just read an article that the reboot would have something to do with Eve/Livia. I think they’d be better off following the Amazon High story arc…)

Or, how about when in the last season, the writers stopped giving a shit about making the maintext “subtext”. Like when…

Xena tricks Lucifer into taking over Hell, all the while enjoying sexy dances with Gabrielle.

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Or when Xena follows Gab into a sex trade ring to protect her while she’s avenging her family’s deaths…set to the tone of many sexy dances.

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Or when Gabs gets poisoned (again), and the only way Xena can save her love is to offer her to the cannibals while she hatches a plan to save her and the twink they are traveling with.

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The time Gabs was hanging out with Beowulf and went to sleep in a ring of fire, only to be awakened by her true love’s kiss…and then Xena came and woke her up after setting things right with Grendal.

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The time the gals decided to play on the farm with each other just for fun.

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When they were on “tv” to discuss the “true nature” of their relationship.

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After being cloned in modern day, and kicking Alti’s ass one last time, the gals enjoy a glass of champagne in the back of a cab with “just married” written on the back.

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When Fates Collide.

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And finally…

“There’s a moment when I look at you
And no speech is left within me
My tongue breaks,
Then fire races through my skin,
And I tremble.
And grow pale,
For I am dying of such love”

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Sigh. That folks, is how the show should have ended…without that horrible Friend in Need. That’s how it ends for me. I pull a Phoebe with Old Yeller and end it right there. And, now for this articles bit of useless information; Many Happy Returns (of which the above poem was in; Xena gave it to Gabs for her bday, written by Sappho nonetheless) was actually the production wrap for the show. And it shows in the sincerity shown between Lucy and Renee.

So with that bit, again I say happy twentieth Xena: Warrior Princess. Thank you for what you’ve meant to fantasy television, empowering women, and really being the first show to loving show a lesbian couple on prime time (even though you snuck it in there sometimes with all that “subtext”). Many happy returns.
-BB

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Batman (1966) – Hi Diddle Riddle 

  

By Joshie Jaxon

Nah nah nah nah nah nah, Batman! Adam West before he was Mayor West. Gorshin, Meredith, Romero, Newmar, Kitt, Meriwether. I loved the way these people portrayed some of Batman’s greatest villains. I loved the movie as a kid, and still enjoy it as an adult, but that’s a subject for a later post. I have vague memories of the Batman tv show, but I know I’ve seen it before. There are a few distinct scenes that stand out. It must have been reruns on what was then Nick at Night. Either way, camp value, and bulge appreciation have only increased with time. Don’t know what I mean? You will. Let the geeks begin!

  

Gotham City World’s Fair. Moldavian exhibit. Prime minister’s friendship luncheon. Before we unveil the exhibit, there is a small ceremony. Two turban-clad men bring out a cake with what one can only assume is a Moldavian shaking hands with Uncle Sam. As he cuts the cake, it explodes. People scream and run, as the cops look for something to shoot. Not much has changed in fifty years. Anyhow, a small parachute falls to the ground. The officer opens it and reads the riddle contained within; why is an orange like a bell? Gotham City Police Headquarters. Commissioner Gordon asks his officers if they know what this means. Chief O’Hara says, the Riddler. Yes, the prince of puzzlers. They like royalizing the villains. I know the Joker is the clown prince of crime, but that’s another episode. Gordon asks the officers if they can handle it, and they all look at the red phone, under glass, I presume to keep it fresh. While we’re at it, the police pretty much just told their boss that they’re useless, and to call in outside assistance. How are they still employed? 

  

Anyhow, Gordon removes the glass, and presses the only button on the phone. In Wayne Manor, Alfred answers, “I’ll call him, sir”. Telling us that the police know that Batman has someone to answer his phone for him. We’re forty years away from the iBat, I suppose. At any rate, in his living room, Bruce Wayne is having what appears to be a board meeting. Alfred approaches, and tells him that it’s the bat phone. Bruce tells the group that he’s just been reminded that he’s promised to take his ward, Dick Grayson, fishing. He walks out of the meeting, presumably to go fishing. I get that he’s a millionaire, but that is so unprofessional. I know we’re discussing the Gay Geek Gabbiness of Batman, but I was just reminded that I promised to take my nephews to Build A Bear. Excuse me. See? That wouldn’t fly. Granted, the future of the company isn’t as important as spending alone time with one’s young companion. Maybe the staff think he’s diddling Dick, and they accept that as an idiosyncrasy of their playboy boss. Speaking of Dick, he and Aunt Harriet are coming down the stairs. Bruce offers fishing, and Dick gets excited. He knows what the code word means. Worth mentioning, he’s holding a toy plane. How old is Robin in this universe? 

  

Bruce answers the phone, and Gordon tells him he’ll never guess who’s on the loose. His arch enemy, the Riddler. How soon can you get to headquarters? Be there in a flash. Bruce lifts the head of the bust on the desk, and Dick turns the knob to open the secret entrance. Behind the bookcase we see the Batpoles, used to access the Batcave. We know this because it’s written on the wall. Who is that for? Bruce and Dick know which pole is theirs, Giggity. They know where they lead. We the audience are smart enough to figure out who’s who. Seriously, who is the labeling for? For that matter, does Aunt Harriet ever question the red phone with only one button? It’s maddening, I tell you, maddening, and we’re only to the opening credits. 

  

Batman and Robin land at the bottom of the poles. Wait, how’d they chance costumes while sliding? Does the pole stop at the outfit room, then they slide down to the main cave? Does Bruce stand there waiting as Dick fixes his hair, so they can slide down together? So many questions. Too many questions. Appropriate with all these questions that our special guest villain is the Riddler, Frank Gorshin. That’s how he was billed. I wanna be a special guest villain. Anyhow, the dynamic duo get in the Batmobile. Atomic batteries to power, turbines to speed. Wait, the Batmobile is atomic? Ah, the 60’s. They leave the cave and begin the 14 mile drive to town. Upon arrival, they park right in front of police headquarters. In this iteration, Batman isn’t a vigilante, he’s an asset, and welcomed by the police. Batman repeats the orange riddle, and Robin says they both must be peeled. Chief O’Hara says they’re idiots and should’ve figured that out. Robin says it should be a clue to the real crime. Batman says the Riddler is like an artichoke, and you have to pull leaves to get to the heart. Gordon reminds them of the exploding cake. Batman says it was merely a ruse, to get him called in. Gordon says that he’s the Riddler’s deadly nemesis. Deadly? Hardly. Batman refuses to take a life. Robin says that the crime is no fun unless the Riddler can outwit them. Batman says it’s artistic the way he- that’s it! The Peale Art Gallery! That’s what the riddler was pointing to. Gordon orders his men into action. Knowing their incompetence, Batman says no. Besides, it could be a trap. 

  

Peale Art Gallery. Batman and Robin pull up, and prepare to enter, when the red Batphone in the car goes off. Batman speaking. Then we hear it. The maniacal, hysterical, gleeful laugh of Gorshin’s Riddler. Riddle me this, there are three men in a boat with four cigarettes and no matches, how do they manage to smoke? Robin wants to know what he’s up to. Batman says they’ll ask. He goes to his utility belt to get the bat-a-rang. It’s in the compartment of the same name. Point of order, Ash Ketchum knows what Pokemon is in what ball without looking, or labeling, because he knows what slot they’re in on his belt. Batman, I ask you, who is the labeling for? Who?? They climb the side of the building as Robin complains that he can’t get the riddle. Batman thinks maybe his mind is on the cute teenager who waved at him. Jealous, Bruce? 

  

They look in the window, and see the Riddler pointing a gun at the man behind the desk. Category is, special guest villain eleganza. Riddler is serving up black bowler hat and button down, matching green tie, pants and jacket, all adorned with question marks. Girl is looking fierce! Batman puts the bat-a-rang away, and gets the bat insta-welder to get the bars off the window. Um, I’m pretty sure that’s breaking and entering. Robin prepares to throw the bars to the ground, but after a warning from Batman, as well as the placement of a suction cup bat hook that magically sticks to stucco, they set the bars aside and break through the window, not once checking to see if it was unlatched. 

  

Batman tells Riddler to freeze, but he runs. A flash grenade causes him to fall over in the hall. As a duly deputized agent of the law, he places Riddler under arrest. How do police deputize someone who’s name they don’t know? Oh well. Riddler smiles as Robin goes for the bat cuffs. Out of nowhere, photographers take pictures of Batman trying to cuff the Riddler. Riddler tells him he tried to warn them. The curator tells Batman that the cross belongs to the Riddler, and was on loan for a show. But he saw him take it at gunpoint. The Riddler points the gun at Batman, and pulls the trigger. It sets off a flame. Robin realizes the answer to the riddle. They throw a cigarette overboard, and make the boat a cigarette lighter. The Ridder reminds the duo of the cameras and says, what is something no one wants to have, but no man wants to lose? Answer? A lawsuit! Correct, boy wonder. Riddler summons a henchman to serve them. He says this makes his life, and he’ll see them in court. Exit the Riddler, laughing his ass off from the joygasm. 

  

Wayne Manor. News broadcast, that the one million dollar lawsuit, for assault, slander, and false arrest, may stick. Plus, Batman would have to reveal his real identity in court. If that happens, he wouldn’t be able to fight crime in Gotham. Alright, but why? Couldn’t the police just hire Bruce outright? Their logic is flawed. Bruce says it isn’t about the money, it’s about his identity. Everything he’s trained for after his parents were murdered, gone. Again, get hired on officially. It’s not that hard. Gordon’s men were able to do it, and they’re self-proclaimed idiots. Alfred says they’ll think of something. Cause if Harriet finds out what Master Dick has been doing on these supposed fishing trips… He trails off. Dick reminds Bruce of what the Riddler said when they got served. When they finish with that, look for two more. Great Scott! Could there be hidden writing on the document? As someone who’s worked in legal, there’s always fine print in a document. To the Batcave!

  

They’re in their costumes. Perhaps there’s a rule about only seeing Batman and Robin in the cave, not Bruce and Dick. At any rate, they find the hidden riddles. First, when is the time of a clock like the whistle of a train? When it’s two to two! Toot toot toot! Oh, Robin. Second, what has neither flesh, bone, nor nail, yet has four fingers and a thumb? A glove of course! Holy smartass answer, Batman! Could it be an address? Yes, 222 Glover Ave. I hope we’re not too late. As we get a rear view of the Batmobile, it has a Gotham license plate. I’m guessing the car is registered under “Batman”, but does the reminder get mailed to Wayne Manor, or is there a PO Batbox somewhere? 

  

Meanwhile, in the hidden lair of the Molehill Mob, a groovy chick is rocking out. She dips a spoon into the giant tub of caviar, which you shouldn’t do. Metal reacts with the fish eggs and changes the taste. It should be bone. Family guy taught me that. Mobster tells Molly to lay off, it’s full of calories, and she’ll blow up. Ah, 60’s sexism. She doesn’t care, she’s hungry. He cares. If she gets fat, she won’t fit in manholes, then what use will she be? Yikes. No man hole action for you, pig. Riddler enters and tells them to stop bickering. This time he’s sporting his green unitard, purple belt, gloves, and mask. I love a coordinated villain. Why he needs a belt, I’ll never know. He orders them down the tunnels. Batman has had time to solve the clues. Just because he has, doesn’t mean he did. 

  

222 Glover, What a Way to Go Go. It’s the new discotheque. As the duo prepares to exit the Batmobile, the bouncer says the boy is underage. Batman says it’s the law. Funny, breaking the bars of Peale and entering was against the law too. So’s diddling a minor. Pick and choose I suppose. Robin takes the Batmobile and sets up the Bat scanner; a devise that allows him to see inside the club, but not from a vantage point on Batman, no, just all over in the club. Batman enters, and we see people dancing. The cigarette girl offers to check his cape. Groupies. Molly and mobster watch as Batman approaches the bar. He orders a fresh orange juice. Molly asks if he’s looking for a friend. She’s got a problem. Why is a quarrel like a bargain? Answer, it takes two to make it. Like a dance. Shall we? You’re not man enough for him, sweetie. Batman downs his juice in one swallow. Even I know he’s been roofied at this point. Stupid Bat-twat. He goes with her to the dance floor. He is vengeance! He is the night! He is doing the Batusi! That is, until the drugs kick in, and he goes down right there on the dance floor. What is this, Babylon? 

  

Outside, the voyeur wonder saw the whole thing happen. He prepares to go inside, but first, he moves a plate over the label for the anti-theft device, so that it reads “Start Button” instead. Again, who are the labels for?? Riddler emerges from a trap door, and tranques Robin. Riddler checks his pulse, then gets into the driver’s seat. After a moment of glee that his plan is working, Riddler pushes the alleged start button. Alarms and fireworks go off. People are watching all of this happen, and just stand there, by the way. Riddler orders his henchmen to grab the boy. He then throws a grenade into the Batmobile to blow it up. Too bad it has anti-fire measures, and more lives than a cat. Villains escape, as Batman stumbles out of the club. He has to go after Robin! The cops arrive, and ask Batman for his keys. He’s in no condition to drive. Look! Up in the sky! It’s the Batsignal! He’s in no condition for that either. He bangs the steering wheel, wondering about Robin.

  

Riddler’s lair. Robin is placed on a table and strapped down, as a vice is placed near his head. Molly offers the Riddler a scalpel. Holy bulge Batman! Riddler is very happy to have Robin in his clutches. Like, really happy. That or Frank is just packing the goods. Dunno what it is about a nice unitard, but, oh, sorry, the show. Yes, the vice is being tightened on Robin’s head. Time for the caped crusader to take his final bow. Will this be the ghastly end of the dynamic duo? Find out tomorrow! Same bat time! Same bat channel! 

  

All the episodes were two parters, and looking at the menu on the DVD, they made them rhyme. We won’t know what Riddler does to Robin until the next installment. Will Robin discover he kinda likes being tied up? Will Batman be jealous, even though he wasn’t giving Robin what he needed? Will Riddler ever come up with a Riddle that Gordon and the police can solve? Perhaps. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing!

  

Ghostwriter – Ghost Story, Part 1

  

By Joshie Jaxon
In a time before cable and satellite were as common as they are now, we had something called public broadcasting. This showed us the educational programming of Sesame Street, Today’s Special, the Electric Company, Square One, and one of my personal favorites, Ghostwriter. I adored this show, and I’m sure that it influenced and fueled my current passion for writing. I can still remember certain plot points for some of the mysteries. I used to write the Ghostwriter symbol on my homework. I was hooked. Because reading is what? Fundamental! Let the geeks begin! 

  

Brownstone basement, Brooklyn. Jamal Jenkins, and his dad are looking for a trunk. His father is played by none other than Samuel L Jackson. Yes, Nick Fury was on public television, and we applaud him for it. If he can’t find that trunk, he’s gonna need a uhaul to get Jamal’s sister to college. Or just use the helicarrier. They find the trunk, on a shelf in the middle of the basement. Father Fury says that it belonged to great grandpa Ezra. As they pull it out, a book falls off the back of it and opens. We see the pages glow, and the yet unchristened Ghostwriter emerges. It flies around the room, trying to find something to read. It settles on the word, “positively” on Jamal’s shirt. Jamal and his dad carry the trunk upstairs, unaware of the ghostly hitchhiker. 

  

Brooklyn at night. A young black kid walks the streets, doing kicks, with arms carrying groceries. As Jamal walks near the park, he sees flashlights and a mask-wearing gang. They’re making fight noises, and moving around. This isn’t Shakespeare in the park. The gang shines their lights on the faces, and we see green monster type faces. Jamal goes to leave, but has to look one more time. This time, they’re gone. Jamal leaves, and we see that the gang was still watching him. Creepy. 

  

Back at the brownstone, Jamal’s sister is asking their mother where her bracket is. Mother Jenkins replies with “why would I have it?”, and makes me love her. Sister can’t get her trunk closed. Father Fury has Hulk come close it for her. Actually, he just tells her to jump on it a few times. So much for respecting Ezra’s trunk. Danitra heads upstairs, stopping to tell Jamal that she left her computer for him, and not to break it. Grandma Jenkins takes the groceries, and says she’s making her famous caramel cake. Jamal can’t have any. It’s only for girls going to college. It’s tough to be a young kid in ’92. He gets a computer but no cake. Jamal heads upstairs, and closes the door. Tossing his jacket on the bed, he sits at his desk and turns the monitor on. As he starts typing to the computer, “positively” on his shirt starts to glow, and Ghostwriter searches the room for something to read. 

  

Meanwhile, Jamal is introducing himself to the computer. No, really. He’s typing, “hello, computer. My name is Jamal. Ready for one dynamite dude?”. Siri is a few decades away, my friend. He looks at a sticker on the wall, and notices it’s glowing. In traditional fashion, he backs away from the desk, stands, and looks scared as Ghostwriter enters the computer. Then in a different font we see, “HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! Where are the children? Are they all right?”. Aloud, Jamal asks what children, and who the spirit is, while examining the monitor. He calls his sister in, and points at the computer, asking what it is. “A computer. The one I’m letting you have”. I love snarky people. He tells her to read the screen, but she doesn’t see anything there. She tells him if he can’t use it, to at least be appreciative, or at least sane. I’m sad she’s going to college. I want to see more of her. Not knowing how to deal with whatever is in the computer, he unplugs it. Danitra calls for him to come for a sec. He says he’s busy. She says please, and calls him Jammy-Jam. He follows her out of the room, and Ghostwriter leaves the computer for the comfort of Jamal’s backpack.

  

The next morning, we see Gaby and Alex walking to school. She’s droning on about Floridian weather, as Alex gets bored. I remember having the biggest boy crush on Alex as a kid. I didn’t understand it at the time, but I knew he looked good and I liked that. Anyhow, Gaby stops to tie her shoe, and rather than waiting, Alex walks off. It’s worth pointing out that Gaby is sporting hoop earrings, a side ponytail, and bangs. She’s in elementary school. Out of nowhere, a masked figure grabs her backpack and runs off. Thanks for nothing, Alex. To be fair, I know what it’s like to be the older brother, and not wanting to have your little sister tagging along all the time. 

  

Jamal passes the same park from the prior night. Distracted, he gets bumped into by Lenni. The two apologize for not watching where they were standing/walking. At the same time, Ghostwriter moves from Jamal’s backpack to Lenni’s. Lenni has all kinds of fringe on her jacket. Auntie Noxie would be proud. Jamal leaves, and Lenni sits to work on her new song. Jamal looks at the area the gang was in, and finds a green button that says THABTO, as well as a blue paper with a coded message on it. Gang people sure are careless. On the bench, Lenni is working on a rhyme to complete her verse. Kids bop, rap edition just made her an offer, and she needs dope lyrics, yo. It hurt to type that. She finds that perfect phrase, and as she finishes writing it down, Ghostwriter leaves her backpack, and rearranges her words to ask where dynamite dude Jamal is. Um, perhaps he should’ve realized from homework that I’m sure had Lenni’s name on it, as well as the fact he traded backpacks, that Jamal isn’t around. Silly ghost. Lenni shoves the open notebook to the ground, and pokes it with a stick. She reopens it, and Ghostwriter says “Lenni fights for what’s right”. Lenni cautiously picks her book back up, and goes to school. 

  

Speaking of school, Jamal just found a threatening note in his locker, on familiar blue paper. “Near the park, after dark. You were there, so beware!!! THABTO”. Not looking at all scared, Jamal compares the button he found to the note. Lenni storms up to him, and wants to know how he did it. She dares him to change the letters around. He doesn’t know what she’s talking about, and accuses her of leaving the note in his locker. She didn’t write it, and doesn’t know what a THABTO is. Lenni suggests he throw the stuff away. He tells her no, it’s just interesting enough to be fun. Ghostwriter reads the note, and both of them see him do it. On a nearby bulletin board, Ghostwriter says, “Careful after dark, my children”. He’s getting a little possessive. Get it? Ghost. Possessive. It’s spirit humor. Never mind. Jamal and Lenni realize they’re the only ones who can see the message. Jamal says she should come over after school; he’s got something to show her. Horny teenager. 

  

The bodega. Gaby is regaling her parents with the take of the backpack thief. Papa Fernandez asks if she told the teacher. She did. Turns out that several other students have also had their backpacks stolen. Papa addresses Alex in Spanish. Something to the effect of watching out for his sister. In English, Alex apologizes. Papa says he’s supposed to walk Gaby to school. Alex replies in Spanish. Gaby says it wasn’t his fault. In Spanish, Alex is told to walk her all the way to school. Comprende? Si, Papa. Backpack, school books, lunch money. It all costs! Lenni enters the store, and begins shopping. Alex rings her up, as she comments on his new detective novel. He thinks he already knows who did it. She asks why he should finish it. So that he knows if he’s right. Music plays from upstairs. Papa Eduardo says he wishes he didn’t have to hear it through his walls. Cut to upstairs where a band is rehearsing. Lenni enters and sets the groceries down. Lenni asks if she can go to Jamal’s. Daddy Frazier wants to know if he knows Jamal. She says they met once at a dance. He says it’s fine, but to be home in an hour. 

  

Brownstone of S.H.I.E.L.D. Father Fury asks if that was the last of Danitra’s stuff, cause there won’t be room for them if she has any more. Danitra hugs grandma Jenkins, who is apparently a postal worker, and thanks her for the food. Hugs and kisses to grams and Jammy-Jam. Grandma says that next it’ll be Jamal going off to school. Doorbell. Lenni has arrived. After introductions, Jamal says they’re gonna go upstairs and work on the computer. She tells them to have fun. Alright, I know they’re not full-on hormonally raging teens just yet, but there’s no issue at all with them wanting to hang out in Jamal’s room? Alone? Really, PBS?

  

In the room of non-sexual tension, Jamal is showing Lenni the blank screen. She pulls out her notebook, since that’s where it appeared for her, and sets it on the keyboard. Jamal asks aloud who and what Ghostwriter is, but no reply. He know what they can do while they wait. Bow chicka bow bow! Kidding. He’s gonna work on that coded note. Lenni thinks it might be Greek or Russian. If only they could speak or read it. Lenni suggests a mirror, but that doesn’t help. Jamal has the idea that it may be written in a code. Brilliant! Lenni knows a guy that may be able to help. Any guesses, class? That’s right, it’s Alex. Downstairs, grandma is getting ready to go to the store. We see Ghostwriter read her list. She calls up to the kids that she’s leaving and will be right back. A couple of kids, home alone. You know what’s gonna happen. Yep, Ghostwriter comes back and wants to know what in the world cornflakes are. Well, Ghostwriter, they were originally invented to keep boys from touching themselves. However, now they’re just part of a balanced breakfast. Jamal and Lenni shout multiple questions at the monitor, but get no answer. Finally, Ghostwriter asks why they don’t answer him. Followed by ANSWER ME! ANSWER ME! ANSWER ME! ANSWER ME! Told ya he was possessed. Credits 

  

Alright, I know they ended on a cliffhanger, and that’s fine, but here’s what I wanna know; who was Ghostwriter before he was a ghost? It’s never covered in the series, mainly cause I believe it was canceled before it was revealed. That being said, I did a little research. Those who don’t wanna know, I’m gonna call spoiler alert, and tell you to stop reading right now. This is from Wikipedia – Ghostwriter producer and writer Kermit Frazier revealed in a 2010 interview that Ghostwriter was the ghost of a runaway slave during the American Civil War. He taught other slaves how to read and write and was killed by slave catchers and their dogs. His soul was kept in the book that Jamal first discovered in the pilot episode, and when Jamal opened the book he was freed.
I think whoever added that entry didn’t see this episode recently, because Jamal never discovered or opened the book, it was circumstance. What I really wanna know is why no one else in the Jenkins clan ever opened that book before that episode. That’s a question for another day. Until next time. Stay geeky, and keep gabbing. 

  

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers – Day of the Dumpster 

  

By Joshie Jaxon

Ahh, after 10,000 years I’m free! It’s time to conquer Earth! Alpha! Rita’s escaped! Recruit a team of teenagers with attitude! Go! Go! Power Rangers! I loved this series from the very beginning, over twenty years ago. Lord, I feel old now. I didn’t care about the dubbing, the stock footage, or the bad acting. All I cared about was how I was gonna get $2 from my mom so I could have a blank VHS so that I wouldn’t miss anything if I didn’t get home from school in time. I still have my original Megazord, secure in a plastic tub with all the other Megazords through Rangers in Space. However, adult-me sees things that kid-me didn’t. Let the geeks begin! 

  

We open on a space shuttle, landing on what is supposed to be our moon. However, that opening shot isn’t our planet or moon, and when we see the explorers on the surface, there’s what appears to be another planet in the distance. Unless it’s a moon dome and I just think it’s another planet. I dunno, I never saw the super sentai. Alright, hold up, if this is supposed to be the moon, why are there clouds in the sky? Twenty seconds in an already I’m having issues. I’ll have to channel my Voltron nostalgia filter to get through this. Activate interlock! Dyna-therms connected! Nostalgia filter is go! The explorers see what they can only naturally assume is a space dumpster, cause why not? They go to open it. Cause again, why not? For that matter, why is it that the prison for an evil empress is able to be opened so easily? 

  

Goldar, Finster, Squatt, and Baboo appear. Note worthy, Goldar has no wings. The minions tell Rita to get up, and that they’re free. Also noteworthy, now Goldar has wings. Finster is glad to be free after 10,000 years. Funny, they emerged as energy balls, but somehow were able to count the days while they were contained. Then again, evil space aliens, led by a fierce diva with a Madonna cone brazier and hair to match. Stranger things have happened. Anyhow, Rita destroys their former prison, and the space explorers scramble to get away. She says they shouldn’t miss her coming out party. She’s going to take over the nearest planet. We pan up to what is allegedly earth. Gasp! 

  

Angel Grove youth center. Kimberly, in pink, is on the balance beam. Jason in red and Zack in black are sparring. Trini, clad in yellow, is doing her breathing, and striking poses. Tai chi? Then Billy shows up in his glasses, white Gi, blue headband, and matching button down under it. I get that he’s supposed to be the nerd, and Jason the hunky jock, but I always liked Billy more, over all. While we’re at it, I’d like to point out how stupid the producers must have felt that kids are. Each of these teens is in the color of the ranger they’re going to become. I’d call spoilers on myself, but the opening credits already show us who’s who. In case you can’t keep them straight when they’re not fighting bad guys, and even though they’re individuals that you can identify on sight, all you need to know is what color they’re wearing. Give us a little credit. In 1993 I may not have been able to fully tell when it was original vs US footage, but I knew the characters. Side note, I can totally tell on the footage now. Where was I? Oh yeah, enter Bulk & Skull, the “punks” of the series. They ask out Kimberly and Trini, and are naturally shot down. As they get all bulk smash, Zack steps up. The girls say they’ve got this. Bulk & Skull launch themselves at them, and are flipped over for their trouble. Girls rule! Boys drool! 

  

Actual Earth moon this time. Palace of the empress of evil. Rita is looking at the Earth through her telescope. Goldar, sans wings, and the others, speak of world domination as Finster is ordered to make putty patrollers. 
Back in Angel Grove, Jason is teaching his karate class. Billy, in stereotypical nerd fashion, isn’t doing as well. Jason pauses the class, and they stand with their backs to Billy as Jason gives him some one on one. Dunno if that’s a respect thing or what, but I wouldn’t mind one on one with either of them. Jason says even he was a beginner once. I just bet you were. I remember those gay porn rumors. Untrue, of course, but still. Jason asks what martial arts teaches. Yet again, in stereotypical nerd fashion, Billy gives the right answer and is praised for memorizing it so quickly. Bulk & Skull show up and wanna learn how to beat people up. Jason says that’s not what martial arts is for. Bulk didn’t sign on for the geek class. Jason shows him a high kick, and surprisingly, Bulk does it. Tornado kick on the other hand, lands him on his ass. Later, in their color appropriate street clothes, Jason is telling Billy he did good for his first class. Trini agrees, it’s all mental. Ernie shows up with smoothies, and that’s when the earthquake hit. 

  

Buildings shake. Freeways shake. People are fleeing the safety of door frames and tables to run into the streets. 
Command Center. Danger! Danger! It’s the big one! Calm down, Alpha, it’s just Rita. She’s attacking the planet. How very matter of fact, Zordon, thank you. Now, teleport five overbearing, and over-emotional humans. No! Not teenagers! Alpha pushes a button, and we cut back to the youth center. Our five color-clad kids are wondering what’s going on, as they stand on stairs. You’re in California, shouldn’t you know earthquake safety? Jason yells for them to hold on, as they’re teleported away. They arrive in an empty command center. Billy is in nerd heaven. Despite the situation being so dire that they needed outside help, Zordon and Alpha still wanted to make an entrance. Alpha tells them not to touch anything, as Zordon appears. Who are you? What are you? Oh, just an inter-dimensional being caught in a time warp. Again, vat the hell is a time vorp? Zordon brought them cause the planet is in danger, and they need to save it. Observe the viewing globe. We see Rita, and a winged Goldar terrorizing a city. 

  

Zordon tells them they will be given power based on the ancient creatures they call dinosaurs. Does that mean they have them on other planets, and Zordon calls them something else? Morphers appear on each of them. Zack asks what they are. Yet another side note, Zack only has four fingers on his left hand. Oddly, all five fingers of the black ranger move. It’s almost like they spliced two shows together. Anyhow, Zordon says that if they raise them to the sky, and call their dinosaur name, they will morph. Morph? Yes, Kimberly, metamorphosis. Trini explains for Billy that it means to change. Smart Asian; shocking. Time to divvy up some powers; Jason, bold and powerful, Tyrannosaurus. Zack, clever and brave, mastodon. Kimberly, graceful and “smart”, pterodactyl. Billy, patient and wise, triceratops. Trini, fearless and agile, Sabertooth tiger. Zordon says their zords will be able to combine when needed to form the mighty Megazord. Zack and brain-trust Kimberly are ready to bail. Jason, Billy and Trini hang around a moment until peer pressure makes them leave too. Now, even though they walked out on him, Kimberly still complains that Zordon could have sent them back to town. Bitch.

  

On the moon, Rita is surprised that Zordon is using teenagers to try and stop her. Um, in a space dumpster for 10,000 years, yet is able to see exactly where Zordon and the super teens are on Earth; still opts to attack the city each week, rather than the command center. No wonder your boss shows up next season. Oops, spoilers. Finster makes plenty of puttys. Time to get those teenagers. Again, Rita blasts at the teenagers, rather than the command center. I’m just saying, it’s right there. The puttys attack, and power teens go down one by one. First Billy, naturally. Gotta reinforce nerd stereotypes. Then Kimberly. Same thing, but with pretty girls. Then Zack, cause, you know. *whispers, he’s black. Next is Trini, leaving the last one standing as Jason, the straight, white, jock. Am I reading too much into it? Maybe, but it is what it is. Tired of sitting in a pile, they decide to finally do something useful. It’s Morphin time! Mastodon! Pterodactyl! Triceratops! Sabertooth Tiger! Tyrannosaurus! Since they earned Zordon’s favor by using the Morphers, they get teleported back to the city. Guys? There are still putty patrollers near the command center. Guys? Oh, forget it. They’re too busy posing on a rooftop. 

  

Winged Goldar shows up with puttys, and the fighting starts. This time around, they actually kick some ass. Rita is less than pleased. Baboo suggests she makes Goldar grow with her wand. She has to do everything around here. Magic wand! Make my Goldar grooooow! *Joshie gets chills. Goldar grows, and loses his wings in the process. Power poses! We need dinozord power! *more chills. As the zords merge into tank mode, Trini makes a comment about them knowing how to operate them. Billy agrees, it’s like second nature. Well, at least they got that in there. In the cockpit, left to right, we have blue, yellow, red, pink, black. Remember that in a sec. They use the mega tank to blast Goldar, but it isn’t enough. Activate battle mode. Megazord sequence has been initiated. *Joshie has merging Voltron flashbacks, and fanboys a little. As the megazord stands, we have a reverse view of the cockpit. Now, left to right is black, yellow, red, pink, blue. Kimberly and Trini must have played musical chairs. They’re back to normal seating once the battle starts. Darn editors. The megazord fights Goldar, but they aren’t damaging him. They need the power sword! Goldar sees how big it is, and flees. Rita can’t believe he failed! He says it won’t happen again. Shut up! She has a headache! 

  

Zordon congratulates the team on beating Goldar. Um, he fled. Anyhow, there are three rules that must be followed. Don’t get Rita wet. Don’t feed Rita after midnight. Oops, that’s Gremlins. 

  

Don’t use your power for personal gain. Don’t escalate a fight unless Rita forces you. Finally, keep your identity secret. Zack says that’s great and all, but they got lucky. Nonsense, they’re as fine a group of super heroes as there has ever been. No way! Yes way, Kimberly. They’re all in. Except Kim. The outfits are cool and all, but her hair gets all tangled in the helmet. She doesn’t think she can do it. Priorities and all. Not! Yes, actual dialogue. She said “Not!”. It was 1993, we’ll cut her a tiny bit of slack. Her vapid 90’s bimboness causes Aloha to blow a fuse. He just can’t believe people thought that was funny. Group hands in the center. Leap in the air. Freeze frame. Credits. 

  

Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

RuPaul’s Drag Race, Contestant Music Videos Extraveganza! 

  By Joshie Jaxon

To kick off Pride month, as well as celebrate the finale of RPDR Season 7, I’m counting down the videos from each season, featuring the top three. They all deserve a chance in the Gay Geek Gab spotlight. Videos will be ranked based on song, visuals, and Ru appeal. Let’s get to the countdown. 

7 – Champion
One dream, the will to fight… Great opening line, and overall great song. However, the Grecian goddess vibe just didn’t do it for me. Ru looked flawless as always. Raja, Manila, and Alexis were on point, even with the latter’s big-ass hair. Playing Olympians was a fun addition, and fit with the champion theme. The pit crew were used as the lovely pieces of eye candy they are, but the overall video just didn’t get me as excited as other RuPaul videos have. 

  
6 – Jealous of my Boogie
Hey, DJ, love the way, I lose my inhibitions when you spin… This 80’s themed slap fest opens with Tyra, Raven, and Jujubee confronting RuPaul and getting their asses handed to them, Dynasty style. There’s big hair, shoulder pads, aquanet, the works. As if that weren’t enough we get to see Ru in each of her runway looks throughout the season, singing and dancing to the song. Meanwhile, the top three are having various cat fights throughout. The campy/soapy goodness is a guilty pleasure. 

  
5 – Born Naked
Who you waiting for? Another savior…? The second video on the list to feature 80’s eleganza. I like this one a lot. Ru is dancing and having a great time with her lip sync. Violet, Pearl, and Ginger are mannequins that come to life, and start dancing as well. We get 80’s camcorder font realness, which compliments Ru’s 80’s outfit for the colorized fashion montage. We get Hello Ginger, Death becomes Violet, Ugly Waters dress Pearl, Headpiece Hello Kitty Violet, Shakesqueer Ginger, Madonna Pearl, Marilyn Pearl, Fashion week Violet, and Snatch Game Adele, Ginger. As if all that fabulousness weren’t enough, we get to see the pit crew. Category is, censor bar couture. The icing on the cake? Pearl Smash! Don’t make me sickening. You wouldn’t like me when I’m sickening. 

  
4 – The Beginning
This is the beginning of the record you like… We open with Jinkx, Alaska, and Roxxxy being brought before Judge Rudy. The video splits into two narratives. One is the court scenes, which are hilarious. We get great lines like, “You can’t handle the T!” “Objection! Reading the witness!” And “What is it you can’t face?”. The court story is fairly straightforward. Ru is clearly enjoying playing the judge, several celebrity judges from the season get to be the jury, and the top three get to be witness, defense, and prosecutor. The second narrative makes less sense. The trio are having fun driving, then I assume they crash, and are driving the car up to heaven to meet with goddess Ru. But that’s just my educated guess. 

  
3 – Cover girl (Put the Bass in Your Walk)
Stroll down the runway, another pay day, cover of magazines… This video was shot with the season one filter, and is fairly soft. However, it was the season that started it all. RuPaul is in a catsuit getting her red Cadillac serviced. Giggity. We get Bebe, Nina, and Rebecca, the most normal sounding names of the top three in Drag Race herstory, on a road themed runway. There’s no real story for this video, other than singing, dancing, posing, and Bebe’s verse and that’s all we need. That and a hunky shirtless attendant help sing the chorus. Alright, I lied, there’s also the painfully adorable Lucian Piane playing the gas pump attendant. This video ranks as high as it does because of Lucian. We see an army of them. He dances with a gas pump in hand, and even semi thrusts against it. Put that on a loop. I’m set. Next!

  
2 – Sissy That Walk
Pick myself up, turn the world on it’s head… There’s no real story for this video either. We have Bianca, Adore, Courtney, and Darienne working this song for all it’s worth. They are all fierce divas, and Ru is just as fierce in this one. We’ve got cat suits, and an actual cat in the form of a literal panther on the runway. Not only do we get to see each of the top four in their own solo actions, there is some fun group choreography as well. That, coupled with the pit crew dressed up, and undressing, only add to the fun. The message of this song speaks to me, personally. If I fly or if I fall, least I can say I did my all. Of the songs on this list, it’s actually my favorite, but the next video is better overall. 

  
1 – Glamazon 
Everybody wants her, miss sexy in the city… This is my absolute favorite of all the contestant music videos, obviously. Bianca may be the top of my favorite queen’s list, but before her season, it was Sharon Needles. Hers was the only meet the queens I’d watched that year, and that was it. I wanted her to win from that moment on, and she did. For this video, Sharon, Chad and Phi Phi and enlarged in a non-sexual, still tucked, kinda way. They stomp their way all over the world. They take out their fellow queens from the season, as well as all the guest judges. The whole thing is themed like an old school video game, and they get points for each person they destroy. After taking out the last judge, an even larger Rupaul shows up and stomps the three of them at once. 

  
I hope whatever queen you supported won. We at Gay Geek Gab support all three. #TeamViolet #TeamPearl #TeamGinger

Just for fun, here’s a bonus Lucian for your enjoyment. Happy Pride month everyone!

  
-JJ

Character Crush – Jo Polniaczek

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by Bevianna Bones

You take the good, you take the bad, you take it all and there we have my very first crush. Jo. Tomboy extraordinaire. Of course at the time, I really just wanted to be like her and have her be my “sister” (since I was too young to understand the concept of “roommates”)

The quintessential badgirl of Eastland School for Young Women, Jo dealt out knuckle sandwiches and showed me early on in life it was ok to be a girl and be tough. Look at that loose tie on that school uniform. Umpfh! And her on that motorcycle, forget it! No one could rock a denim jacket and aviators like her. Bestill my little beating heart.

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And Blair’s. The tension between Jo and Blair has been brought up in pop culture galore, and why not what with all that subtext! You could cut it with a knife…or scissors?

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Too bad Lisa Whelchel is a big ole Jesus lovin’ rightwing Christian fanatic. The Facts of Life Reunion could’ve been so much more. Perhaps this is why a very young George Clooney joined the cast later on as Jo’s beau; they never did really have any chemistry, but the weekly Battle of Mullet was epic even for the 80s. Business Ulfront, party in the rear!!

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That face is how I hope her reaction was when the network told her they cast a man to dispel the rumors that would surround the goings on at a prestigious school for young women.

She really did rock those mullets though. By the gods it’s a thing of beauty! She really set the bar high…oh, if it only had a rat tail, it would’ve disrupted the very fabric of time. Nothing, nothing could have been that eighties. Even during the eighties. But this is as close to perfection as it could come. Oh I just want to run my hands through it in all its feathery glory!

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Again, with that face. That’s the one she made when she figured out Clooney was a man. The hair had thrown her for a loop.

That first crush has carried on all throughout my adult life, I still watch reruns when I come across them, just to see the fellagirilie that stole my heart so long ago. Ahh sigh. Young love.

-BB