Happy Birthday Warrior Princess!!

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by Bevianna Bones

Friday marked the 20th anniversary of the debut of the greatest television show of all time, Xena:Warrior Princess. It’s hard to believe that it was 20 years ago, or that I am getting old enough to say, “wow, that was 20 years ago? It seems like just yesterday!” And thanks to Netflix, watching Xena can be just like yesterday, or today even. I’ve spent many hours watching the series as it originally aired, through syndication, as the DVD’s were released, and as they’ve been streamed on various devices. It’s definitely one of the geekdom’s I’m most fluent in; I even wrote and did artwork for XMV back in the day. It’s my go to show when I need cheering up, need inspiration to kick some ass, or am having a hard time forgiving myself for mistakes of the past. Thinking about all the joy that the show has brought me over the last twenty years, I figured, why not share some of my favorite moments with you guys. WARNING: THIS COULD POTENTIALLY BE THE LONGEST POST YOU’VE EVER READ (I’ll try to keep the gushing to a minimum)…

The time Gabby got all high on nutbread while Xena was trying to stop some guy from sacrificing his only son.

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(Oh…And there was this…)

The first time that Xena almost lost Gabby. “Don’t leave me!”…sob.

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The time that Xena knocked out a bad guy with their only good frying pan, only to leave Gab trading Xena’s whip for another frying pan.

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The time that Gabby got turned into a vampire, and Xena purposefully let her bite her, So she could become one too in order to kill Baccus.

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The time that Xena died, and her soul was still alive, so she took over Autolycus’ body, and got to steal a kiss from Gabby, who, had also just become Queen of the Amazon’s.

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When Callisto killed Perdipoo. 🙂

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(There’s a smile in Xena’s eyes too…)

The Xena Scrolls.

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(Dr. Janyce Covington…aka Bevianna Bones)

The time Aphrodite places a spell on one of Gabby’s scrolls, and everything she writes happens. To the caves!

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The Hestian virgins and their vegetable gardens.

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The time Xena and Gab got all poopie with each other and they finally decided that in order to resolve their feelings, it was best to just sing it out.

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(Even though she’s making a very “Daddy” face…I promise it’s not the same Renee. A VERY INSIDE JOKE PEOPLE)

The time Xena single handedly fought off an entire army to defend a poisoned, dying, Gab. Sob.

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Xena takes a fishing trip. Gabby’s in love with herself. Joxer, er Atticus, wants furious zug zug; and the whole gang has to stop someone from stealing a diamond or something.

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Xena and Gabby are facing numerous ailments, but continue to battle, and bicker, on; meanwhile, Joxer tries out his cooking skills on an enemy army to save the day.

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Ceasar and Pompeii battle each other incessantly, there are many casualties. Pretty much a shitty situation for all. But out of it all, one of the greatest lessons of all Xena; sometimes all that’s left at the end of the day is to remember that it was a good day of fighting.

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Oh no! Dancing and arts are banned in the city! Don’t call Kevin Bacon…call Xena! She will secretly teach you the art of sexy dance fighting and warm over those sour pusses!

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Xena turns into a fucking deity, takes out Indrajit, makes buds with Krishna; just after Gabs got possessed by a sexy demon who likes to lick things. Oh, and the girls get nifty tattoos.

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When Gabs write a play about the way of love, nobody likes it, so they up the carnage in order to compete with the opening of Buffus the Bachea Slayer across the street.

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The time the gang played Clue on Gabs’ B-Day.

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Faster Gabrielle! Kill! Kill!

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The time the girls turned into archangels, Xena became a demon, and Calisto went all good after Gabs calls her out for being a bitch all the time.

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Amazon High.

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W.T.F?!

I AM LIVIA!!!!

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(Seriously, I just read an article that the reboot would have something to do with Eve/Livia. I think they’d be better off following the Amazon High story arc…)

Or, how about when in the last season, the writers stopped giving a shit about making the maintext “subtext”. Like when…

Xena tricks Lucifer into taking over Hell, all the while enjoying sexy dances with Gabrielle.

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Or when Xena follows Gab into a sex trade ring to protect her while she’s avenging her family’s deaths…set to the tone of many sexy dances.

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Or when Gabs gets poisoned (again), and the only way Xena can save her love is to offer her to the cannibals while she hatches a plan to save her and the twink they are traveling with.

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The time Gabs was hanging out with Beowulf and went to sleep in a ring of fire, only to be awakened by her true love’s kiss…and then Xena came and woke her up after setting things right with Grendal.

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The time the gals decided to play on the farm with each other just for fun.

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When they were on “tv” to discuss the “true nature” of their relationship.

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After being cloned in modern day, and kicking Alti’s ass one last time, the gals enjoy a glass of champagne in the back of a cab with “just married” written on the back.

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When Fates Collide.

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And finally…

“There’s a moment when I look at you
And no speech is left within me
My tongue breaks,
Then fire races through my skin,
And I tremble.
And grow pale,
For I am dying of such love”

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Sigh. That folks, is how the show should have ended…without that horrible Friend in Need. That’s how it ends for me. I pull a Phoebe with Old Yeller and end it right there. And, now for this articles bit of useless information; Many Happy Returns (of which the above poem was in; Xena gave it to Gabs for her bday, written by Sappho nonetheless) was actually the production wrap for the show. And it shows in the sincerity shown between Lucy and Renee.

So with that bit, again I say happy twentieth Xena: Warrior Princess. Thank you for what you’ve meant to fantasy television, empowering women, and really being the first show to loving show a lesbian couple on prime time (even though you snuck it in there sometimes with all that “subtext”). Many happy returns.
-BB

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Top 5 Tuesday – Celebrititties!! @@

-by Bevianna Bones

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Well…listen to my story bout Gabrielle, a cute young gal that’s looking’ pretty swell, soft blonde hair, such a lovely lass, nice round breasts and a firm young @a…

Oh alright, so my top five today might not necessarily be a heightened topic of interest to some of our readers, but even gay men can’t deny how much magically awesomely wonderfully amazingly stupendously joyfulness a beautifully made bust can instill in a person. The Hetmen and Lesbos love em, all women wish they had a great set, and gay men think their fun. Yes, boobies are one of life’s joys indeed. In honor of their greatness, I give you my all-time top five favorite Celebratitties, and a few honorable mentions. They don’t all have to be big and beautiful, each of these ladies wins for shape and form, and nearly all of them gave me feelings I didn’t quite understand at one point or another.

5. Susan Sarandon in Rocky Horror Picture Show

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These were the first boobies that I ever really loved. I was so drawn to them. Look at that shape! Look at that cleavage! It just makes you wanna touch-a-touch-a-touch them! Moving on…

4. Lea Thompson from Howard the Duck/Back to the Future

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Anyone who’s followed our posts knows of my undying affection for two things. One being Howard The Duck, and the second being Lea Thompson. These might not be the biggest gals on the list, but she is rocking the cleavage as Lorraine, and as Bev…well, the way that little nightie hangs off the curves of the peaks…aaaannnd, moving on…

3. Geena Davis circa Earth Girls are Easy

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Oh a young Ms. Davis was quite something. Reminiscent of a walking pinup.  These ladies have just the right mixture of roundness, perkiness, and a wonderfully shadowy valley. I remember when I was a teenager I had a very vivid image in my head involving a young Ms. Davis, brunette Madonna (aka Like a Prayer or League of Their Own Madonna), and Lori Petty from Tank Girl.  Sadly, that image was shattered by things I can’t unsee (see my Tank Girl post)…moving on…
Also, if you haven’t seen Earth Girls are Easy, you really, really should.

2. Lucy Lawless from Everything…

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Ok, so there’s a third thing that I have undying love for, and that’s our Lucy. (See Lucy post…) The second largest gals on the list, they nicely fill out anything you put them in. Love the moundful cleavage. It was one of the greatest moments of my life the first time she shed her robe on Spartacus….aaaaaannd moving on…

1. Katy Perry

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I have no words…except…oh the roundness and plumpness…not to mention her pinup photoshoots…oh my. I’ll spare the readers the joy/horror (depending on your inclination) of the many KP jiggle GIFs that are out there. There’s actually an entire website devoted to just them.

You might not agree with everything on this list, but these all-time fave celebratitties all have a special place in my heart. Here are two that almost made the list…

Renee O’ Connor: Runner-Up

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3 Teets (from Total Recall): Honorable Mention

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C’Mon everyone, I had to include her in there somewhere…you all know she was your favorite part about the movie…well that and the midget hooker with the machine gun…

-BB