By Joshie Jaxon
Happy St. Patrick’s Day, geek fans! This a joyous post. Not just because it gives me an excuse to watch my Looney Tunes DVDs, but today marks the one year anniversary of Gay Geek Gab! I know! Can you believe it? A year already, and the FCC hasn’t shut us down. Either I’m not pushing the envelope far enough, or society has jaded to the point that I’m no longer the radical I think I am. Perhaps some more extreme language will get some attention. Fuck yeah! No? Sigh. Fine, I’ll stay the lovable, dirty in the best way, blogger that you’ve come to know and love. I would like to thank Bevianna and Bri Bones for all their work behind the scenes. I said crushed ice, you incompetent- oh, yeah, the speech typer-thing was still going. Damn. Where’s the delete key? No, not for the whole site. Ingrates! I’ll deal with you later. Where was I? Oh yes, I was about to start my St. Patrick’s Day post with another entry into our currently lacking, but not for long, Looney Legacy. Halloween was all about Bugs vs Dracula, with Bugs being the obvious winner. St. Patrick’s Day we’ll focus on Porky Pig, and his encounter with some leprechauns. Let the geeks begin!
In mother Ireland, yes, your Joshie is Irish, Porky is traveling. Why do I always pick the ones where the character is traveling? Oh well. There’s a sign that reads “Sure, and it’s still 12 miles to Dublin Town”. Which isn’t funny unless you read it in the intended accent. Porky says he’ll never make it in this storm. Um, you’re carrying baggage, for who knows how long, and the last 12 miles is where you draw the line? Sure, pig. He thinks maybe he could stay at the nearby, but not really, cause it’s on a mountain, why a fat pig would choose an inclined plane rather than flat road is beyond me, wow this is a long sentence, castle that’s nearby. Cause that worked out so well for Brad and Janet. Castles don’t have phones, bacon bits. Kidding, he doesn’t want a phone, he’s just hoping for lodging. On the way up to the castle, there’s another sign, this one reads, “Beware the leprechauns”. Luau scoffs at the very idea of leprechauns, and continues up to the castle, blasting his ham hocks with every step. Hey, he doesn’t wear pants for a reason. He doesn’t do stairs for his ass not to be seen. Anyhow, he reaches the castle and uses the shamrock shaped knocker. Since no one answered, naturally, he lets himself in, concluding they must be asleep. It’s not breaking, but you just entered, Pork Chop.
In the darkness we see a silhouette, before a match is lit, and a ginger man, glad in green, including hat, with a pipe, lights a match, and candle. He says sure and his name is Seamus O’Toole, caretaker of old Clarey castle he is. Moo Shu Pork says he’d like a room for the night. Seamus asks if he’s daft, saying the only living things there are the leprechauns. Pork Pie breaks the fourth wall, gesturing at Seamus and saying “leprechauns”. He then orders Seamus to take his bags to a room, calling him a picturesque peasant caretaker of the old sod. Um, Pork Ribs, you just entered his place, without permission, and are now demanding to stay there? I don’t recall you offering to pay. Must’ve left your wallet in your other pants, eh? He slams the door closed, and a spiked mace falls on his head. It he weren’t a toon, he’d be dead. Unintentional rhyme. Seamus separates at the waist, and runs over to check on the unconscious pig. Meanwhile, arms pop out of his pants, and an identical person, but with black hair, comes running over to join him. Black hair, O’Mike, says he’s a fat one. Ginger, O’Pat, calls him a bundle of suet. Fun Tidbit #1, suet is the hard fat around beef/mutton loins and kidneys. O’Mike says they need to hide the pot of gold, and lifts his hat revealing it, before running around like a loon. O’Pat asks him to stop, wait, whoa, and wait a minute before shouting at his running friend, who has the sense to look embarrassed by his actions. Ginger says he’s the chief of the leprechauns, and he alone will decide what to do with the intruder. The two merge back by getting on top of each other, and go help Pork Rinds to his feet, stating they’ll get him to a nice soft bed. O’Mike passes the bags up to O’Pat, and they follow Pork & Beans up the stairs.
At said stairs, ginger uses the railing while blacky takes the stairs proper. They go their separate ways at the top, with the legs staying with Porky. When he gets to the room, he tells Seamus to put the bags down anywhere. He then passes his coat and hat to O’Mike, who hasn’t emerged from the lower torso. I’d call Porky stupid, but he did just suffer a blow to the head. On his way to bed, O’Mike stops in front of him, asking if he’s seen his lower half about. Porky points behind him, and comments how some people can’t keep track of their lower halves. It dawn on him what he said, and what he’s seen, and he turns to see both halves of Seamus. Isn’t this sight enough to set the heart crossways in you? Don’t worry, google doesn’t know what it means either. Porky exclaims “leprechauns!” while hiding under the covers on the bed. Big mistake. The bed tilts back into the wall, and sends Porky down a tunnel, dropping him in a chair. O’Mike enters, carrying a shillelagh, and says leprechaun court of O’Shaughnasee township, county of Rourke O’Hoolihan is now in session. Fun Tidbit #2, the writers clearly went for the most irish sounding things they could think of, cause having leprechauns alone, and being outside Dublin, wasn’t enough to convey a location and it’s people. Fun Tidbit #3, I’m really not that PC, I just find it amusing. It’s the little people vs Porky Pig, whose name they shouldn’t know, cause he never gave it, for attempting to steal the pot of gold, which is sitting on a table as exhibit A. Porky tries to object, and is called a blatherskite, and told to be silent. Fun Tidbit #4 Blatherskite needs to come back into main stream language. I remember it from Gizmo Duck on DuckTales, but after looking it up, I wanna use it more. O’Pat is the presiding judge. He takes one look at Porky and says he’s guilty as the day is long. Porky protests, demanding a fair trial. Um, you aren’t in America, boyo, this is leprechaun justice! I sentence you to the wearing of the green shoes! No, seriously. That’s his punishment. Green shoes, that clash with his, pants? Never mind.
Once he’s in the green shoes, Porky says the nicest shoes ever. That is, of course, until they turn him into an Irish stepdancer against his will. As he dances his way out of the courtroom, the leprechauns laugh. We see Porky dancing in front of a giant pot of gold. Coins erupt from it, and have O’Pat and O’Mike’s laughing faces on them. Porky dances further away, and tries to pull the shoes off, which he does, throwing them past a shamrock plant. Magic isn’t undone that easily, little piggy. The shoes chase him down, trying to get back on his feet. As he flees, he goes through a field of pipes. Not Mario pipes, smoking pipes. I’m surprised there wasn’t a field of beer. Fun Tidbit #5, not all Irish people smoke and/or drink. Just sayin’. Porky runs up some stairs, and passes between two harps. Final Fun Tidbit, ’tis the harp, and not the shamrock, that is the actual symbol of Ireland. Anyhow, Porky jumps, and the shoes jump after him. Being a toon, Porky runs vertically on air to escape, falls in a pipe, and comes out the other end as smoke, before re-forming. He grabs a giant harp, and it shrinks to fit his wrists like handcuffs. Emerald Isle, bitch! The shoes kick him in his shapely ass, and he lands in them, only to begin dancing once more. In fact, it dances him right off another cliff, and into a golden liquid in a pot. Now, I’m sure they were going for liquid gold, not golden showers, but you never know with Warner Bros. We fade to Porky flopping about at the castle entrance in a puddle. Don’t worry, O’Pat and O’Mike weren’t taking turns, it’s water. He’s holding a bucket and everything. Perfectly innocent. Porky wakes up, screams, and launches himself above the door, saying he doesn’t want the pot of gold. Seamus hasn’t a clue. Porky says he sentenced him to wear the green shoes. Seamus asks why he’d do such a daft thing. He offers Porky rest in a soft bad. Porky says he must be going. He’s late for an appointment, with his psychiatrist. Porky takes off like a shot, as O’Pat and O’Mike shake hands. Credits!
There you have it, lads n lassies, our 1 year anniversary commemorative post. Thank you to everyone that’s been with us since the beginning, and those who’ve joined along the way. We don’t just do this for ourselves, we do it for you. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing!