Monthly Archives: March 2015

Strawberry Shortcake

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-by Joshie Jaxon

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Morning in Berry Land. Shortcake wakes up her own alarm clock, and tries to wake her cat, Custard, and he ain’t having it. She tells him he needs a Smile that’s worthy of a cloud, and we enter a musical number as we wander Berry Land waking up the birds and bunnies.

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Watching this, I notice that Shortcake is the size of a strawberry, but we’ll touch on that more in a bit. The sun tells us that the Peculiar Purple Pie Man, of Porcupine Peak is watching her from his magic pie tin. He sends his berry birds after her to go get berries for his pies. Cause if you’re a pie man, you’ve gotta have berries for your pies. Pudding, fruit, or custard just won’t do.

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The birds attack, and our title character is defended by the whomping willow, that hadn’t yet been cast in Harry Potter. She calls him her official scarecrow. His evil (?) plan thwarted, the Pie Man cries, and vows to get those berries. Then he states his full title, and does a little dance, ending in jazz hands. No, seriously. The only thing peculiar about this guy, aside from being the the only adult around, is that he seems a little light in the loafers. C’mon, affinity for purple, loves baking, breaks out into song and dance, gurl.

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Moving on. Huckleberry Pie is loafing again. Doesn’t he know it’s Shortcake’s birthday? Bitch needs to plan a party. Off to Blueberry Muffin’s! She’s a space cadet. We need Plum Pudding for this. He’s the smart one, you know. He’s got a chalkboard with numbers on it and everything. He concludes that it should be a surprise party, but they need to get Raspberry Tart.

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She says that Shortcake is 7 if she’s a day, and is chastised by our loafer, Huckleberry not to say what she thinks, until she thinks about it a little more. Cause, ya know, she’s a girl and all. There’s a baby, Apple Dumpling. Um, they’re all kids, and the only grown up is a purple queen. Where’d this kid come from? Hashtag Mysteries of Berry Land.

Shortcake wants to have lunch with her friends, but they all make bad puns about why they can’t, including this gem; “I plum forgot”. In reality, they’re all meeting to discuss her party and gift. Huckleberry’s bug, Lucky, is sent to spy on her.

The Pie Man is in an older male drag, and serving dildo nose realness. Um, Shortcake is smaller than a book of matches. What ARE these kids?? Sorry. Moving on. He opens his coat to reveal his big, selection of watering cans. No flashing the minor today. He offers her a discount on his magic can, but she can’t afford that, and walks away sad. Lucky bug springs into action, and tells the peddler to go to the park. Shortcake’s friends buy the can, and he ominously says they won’t regret it. *Record scratch. Hold up, he was just paid in money. Can’t old Purple P just, I dunno, BUY some berries?

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Shortcake is in a field, angstily wondering why no one likes her anymore. Boo hoo. I eat lunch alone all the time. It’s nothing to cry over. Or maybe it is. I should look at my life, but that comes later. The Sun ain’t having that. He sends Prima Strawberina to the park and her party. She’s so surprised. You like me, you really like me. Wait, that was Sally Field, not a berry field, anyhow, Raspberry Tart asks Shortcake if she’s a little old for such things. If Tart wasn’t the inspiration for Robot Chicken’s Bitch Pudding, I’d be surprised.

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The magic watering can sprinkles, then starts gushing water. They try to stop it and plug it, but nothing works, not even a berry! Gasp! He really wanted those kids soaked. Oh no! It’s flooding Berry Land. The kids announce Lord Purple Pants by his full title, and of course he has to dance and pose. He says he’ll stop the water in exchange for all the berries. They reluctantly agree, and along with all the berries, he gets Apple Dumpling. These kids just can’t win.

Shortcake is sad, and once again, the Sun, who let this all go down, by the way, says he can give her a gift. She tells him a gift won’t help, but this is a special gift. It’s a wish. She’s always had the power to return to Kansas, oops, wrong show. She wishes real hard for an army of whomping willows, and the wood rises for her.

Pie man, defeated, agrees to give back the berries. She tells him he can bring his pies to market, and they can all be friends. Cause every girl needs a GBF, right? Shortcake says they can have a berry grand time. He comments on her berry-speak. This leads to our final musical number with numerous examples of where to use “berry” instead of “very”. The highlight of this number is Purple Pants saying his mouth won’t do what it’s told. I seriously doubt that, girl. Then again, no Berry Grindr for hookups, or even another adult male for that matter, he’s just never had any practice. The song ends with everyone in a lineup as friends, cause, you know, the 80’s.

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-JJ

Yars’ Revenge

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by Bevianna Bones
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Grab hold of of your Zorlon and knock that damned Qotile into another realm!!!  Don’t hesitate too long though, Yar might fall to the evil powers of the swirl of death!!! What is all this excitement that I speak of?? Why, it’s the best selling original title ever created by Atari of course!

Yars’ Revenge broke onto the home gaming scene in May of 1982, and was created by Howard Scott Warshaw. Sound familiar? He should, he’s the guy that gave us another classic gaming gem, E.T.. The Video Game!! But to give props where props are due, it really wasn’t the guy that programmed the game whose to blame for that turd, it was more so the greed of Atari itself by that caused it’s own demise.  However, that boy and girls is a story for another day. For today, let’s focus on what is widely considered one of the greatest games of its time. Not only in terms of gameplay, but also in what it did for video games at the time.
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Before I get into the actual gameplay, let’s take a moment and consider one of the greatest parts about the Atari 2600 as a whole. The badass packaging art!! These cartridges really drew a potential buyer into badly wanting to play the game.  It’s the same as it is today I suppose. Except rarely do you get home to find that your newly acquired game cart has a complimentary comic book with it!!  This is how they really pulled you into the game universe.  What other choice did these pioneering game developers have?  This isn’t entirely engaging on it’s own.
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But this…
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And this…
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Both really do a fine job of getting an eight year old all jonesed out to play…
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Now that you are all pumped up with a rush of adrenalin to go grab your Zorlon and ram it right into that Qotile, let’s begin. System on. Title screen. Excitement!
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Now, as with many of these game cartridges, there were several game variations, many of them including increasing levels of difficulty or number of players.  While all of them deliver a rewarding and enthralling gaming experience, we are considering only variant (6)…or as its otherwise known…Ultimate Yar!!  Because if you’re going to Yar…you best Yar with a bouncing Zorlon and random projectiling Swirl! And did I also mention that you have to build up your Zorlon by touching the barrier and Qotile with your bare Yar?! Ultimate indeed.

The game begins and we are thrown right into the foray. On the left side of the screen we see our hero, our avatar, Yar. And he is ready for revenge!  The right side of the screen we see the evil Qotil and the barrier protecting it. The center of the screen is sporting the neutral zone, which looks surprisingly like Rainbow Road from Mario Kart. But, don’t knock the neutral zone, it’s the only place to ditch the homing missiles the evil Qotil sends at you. But don’t get too comfy there, it is after all a neutral zone, so Yar is unable to fire upon the barrier or manipulate his Zorlon.
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Hustle your Yar over to the barrier and start chipping away! You can also fire upon it with your guns, however this will prevent you from gaining juice to get your Zorlon up. Once you’ve got enough juices flowing fly back to the left side of the screen and you’ll see the glorious Zorlon arise!
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Now that you have your Zorlon up and running, make that you have a clear shot right into that damned Qotil and fire away. But careful, better aim that shot right right because they Zorlon will bounce right back at you if you miss. You don’t want to be down for the count because of the mishandling of your own Zorlon!!!
Once you nail the Qotil with the Zorlon is when the real magic happens and you move onto the next level. And repeat until you’ve run all out of Yars and Zorlons.
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Don’t mistake the general concept as a repetitive, mundane experience though.  This is where Yars’ really separates itself from many of the games that were made during this time; likely leading to its popularity.  The game becomes increasingly difficult as the speed of the middle and the random timing and warning time of the Qotil swirling its way to your death decreases. Alternately, the barrier around the Qotil changes shape and movement speed from one level to another as well.

This game was also one of the very first to feature an easter egg.  Much of my childhood was spent trying to find the “Ghost of Yar.” In order to find the easter egg, you had to kill the Qotil in full on swirl whilst it was hurling towards you midair. During the level change, there would be a black spot on the screen where the swirl was hit; if one flew one’s Yar along the vertical line of said spot, the “ghost” would be found, the game would end and this screen would appear. HSW, the programmers initials. It is said that if the ghost is found during an ultimate yar session, JOV is displayed instead, however, having not ever accomplished this myself, I cannot confirm.
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Yars’ remained a popular 2600 title and Atari even released a sort of soundtrack/audio album of the story told in the comic book. There have been a few reincarnations of Yars’ in the recent years, one for XBox featuring a modern reboot, thus complicating the simplicity and thus fucking up the whole concept. There was also a Facebook game in the same vein.  All sucked in comparison to the classic.

For those of you who want to get your game on and don’t have a 2600 still, firstly shame on you, and secondly the original version is available to play via the Atari android and iOS app, and as well as in browser at Atari.com

Until next time…I’ve got to go get my Zorlon up and running!
-BB

Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer

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Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer
–by Joshie Jaxon

Ominous dark castle, complete with fabulous queen. However, to say she’s a bit of a spoiled diva would be an understatement. She wants her diamond, and no one can have it but her, despite the old purple Sprite trying to warn her against it. Be glad she didn’t listen, or we’d have no movie.

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Morning in Rainbow Land. The bees are buzzing, and one even stings Starlight in the ass. Let’s be honest, it’s not the first time that’s happened. If you’re a fabulous white horse, with a rainbow mane and tail, and star tattoo on your head, you’ve been around the barn before. Time for the opening musical number. Starlight wanders Rainbow Land waking others up, cause there’s work to do.

The Color Kids, actual name, go to their balconies to join in the song while Twink, yep, his name is Twink, goes to wake up Rainbow Brite. They all gather around, and sing our heroine awake. During this song, I noticed that the green one, Patty O’Green, not only has pigtails, she has band aids on her knees. Draw your own conclusion. Back to the song; they all proceed outside, complete with Red Butler doing a finger wave of fabulousness. Rainbow says she needs to head to Earth and start spring. Cut to Murky & Lurky. Yay! It’s spring! Murky doesn’t care, he doesn’t want color anymore, anywhere. Lurky just wants to ride Rainbow’s horsey. There’s an inappropriate joke in there somewhere, but there are others, so I’ll let it be.

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Rainbow says she needs to go talk to Stormy. Winter is over, and it’s time for spring. Stormy is looking all kinds of sassy with her purple hair, and I’m-not-done-yet attitude. She summons her purple horse, who I swear tops Starlight when the bees aren’t, and they try to get away. If Rainbow gets them, they won’t have any fun for 3 more seasons. There’s no horse in the universe that can outrun the magnificent Starlight. Really, queen? Naturally, Rainbow wins, and Stormy pouts about it.

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Rainbow heads to Earth to bring the spring. She saves a boy with a rainbow, naturally, as she descends to the ground. For the audience at home, she announces that he’s the only one on Earth who can see her, which is why no one is freaking out about a rainbow-maned horse coming out of the sky. She shoots her rainbow on the ground, and nothing happens. Performance issues aren’t just a male issue it would seem. Back to Rainbow Land!

Flying robo-horse crashes in Rainbow Land. Any idea who he’s searching for? Bueller? Bueller? Alright pencils down. Yep, he’s after Rainbow Brite. Murky tries to claim that he’s her. Bitch, please. Robo-horse ain’t buying it. He mentions a diamond, and heads for town. Murky, our “villain” decides he wants hear about the diamond that robo-horse mentioned.

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Not only is Rainbow having performance issues, the Color Kids are too. They can’t get everything up and running. It’s alright, we can just cuddle. The Sprites report a flying horse, and everyone assumes it’s Starlight. They all run outside, and greet On-X, who’s a few circuits short of a motherboard. He stutters, if that’s the right word for it, and conveys what his mission is. Rainbow needs to get to Spectra, the diamond plant, which she says is the light of the universe. Stormy eavesdropped, and wants to help. Rainbow tells her she can, and summons the magic traveling rainbow!

Spectra, which would be Spectracular if it weren’t covered with some nasty-ass yarn looking stuff. The Sprites that are there have OCD, and do nothing but polish, polish, polish. With a diamond that big, you’d have to. They warn her about the glitter bots, that aren’t nearly as fabulous as they sound, despite having rubies for hair. Rainbow and Starlight pretend to be enslaved, acting as though they’re helping cover the planet in yarn. Even though they’re robots, they know better, and try to capture her. Cue the dramatic chase scene.

Starlight says he will not wear booties. Please, I’m sure you’ve worn worse. Besides, you are not running those hooves on diamond, because you might scratch it. Wait, really Sprites? You’re worried about diamond getting scratched? That’s not how-  you know what, I’m gonna let this one go too. We’ve got lots to cover. During their escape, they get stuck in a lake that clearly isn’t water. Just as the glitter bots close in, On-X manages to get them out of the lake. They crash against one of the diamond slave huts, and we meet Krys. He bitches that robo-horse brought a girl. He sent him for help, and he brought a girl?! Yay, 80’s sexism. Krys, lemme help you out here, she’s the title character. She’s not just, a girl. Thanks. He tells Rainbow that The Princess, no affiliation with Drag Race Season 4, is the one after Spectra. That suits Rainbow just fine. She’ll Kiki with her, and work this whole thing out.

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Earth, still not spring. Phil must’ve seen his shadow. However, the media being what it is reports that everyone is depressed, and why bother finishing the news. Real professional there. Earth kid’s mom bears a striking resemblance to April O’Neil. He goes to his drawer, and digs for the key to Rainbow Land, but like Rainbow and the Color Kids, Brian too is having performance issues. Odd occurrence for a pre-teen boy, but it happens. Maybe if he stopped thinking about girls?

We ride the rainbow to the ominous castle from the opening. The Princess doesn’t want to talk to children. “They never bring good presents”. What’s wrong with macaroni pictures? There was glitter on it. Geez, what a bitch. She blows the kids away, but Rainbow presses on. Krys says no, and Rainbow tells him to turn back then. He can do anything a girl can. Except be the title character. All T all shade.

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They enter the castle and are greeted by shadow monsters, that merge into a giant. Rainbow encases it’s head in a, you guessed it, rainbow. Seeing it’s power, The Princess wants that belt. Krys runs and tells Rainbow she needs to be told where to run. She retorts that she’s not used to running away. That’s right, girl power. Suck it, Krys. Uh oh, trap door to super fun happy slide. Luckily, it gets them to an elevator, that takes them right to Princess. Great security feature, your highness.

Princess is holding her emerald like it’s a pet. Bitch is cray cray. She demands Rainbow’s belt, and is told no. Magic showdown, Princess power vs Rainbow’s rainbows. Princess wins and takes the belt for herself, while Rainbow and Krys get tossed in the dungeon.

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Back in Rainbow Land, Stormy is trying to help the Sprites mine color crystals while the kids keep working on the color generator. You go, Stormy!

In the dungeon, Rainbow says they need to escape. I guess the accommodations aren’t to her liking. I don’t blame her. Gothic motif, no thank you. It’s time for the horses to get their 15 minutes. Starlight has On-X create a diversion, he’s off to save Rainbow. Princess doesn’t appreciate all the noise, and looses her curlers over it. She doesn’t want a horse in her room. She must not be related to Catherine the Great. Anyhow, he retrieves the belt, and Princess is mad about the teeth marks. That’s a first. No matter, the belt is back where it belongs, and Rainbow and Krys are out of there. At least until Princess, now in full diva attire, uses her powers to banish them. The rainbow can’t outrun her dark magic, and they’re taken to a prison planet.

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Yet another performance issue for poor, Rainbow. Her power is all used up. Starlight is taken into custody, and the warden says if she wants him back, she’ll give him the belt. Kinky bastard. Meanwhile, Murky and Lurky, having been caught on Spectra as well, are also on the prison planet. Gotta keep the comic relief around after all.

Giant lizard things, in inexplicable monk-like robes, attack Rainbow and Krys. Rainbow is knocked into an underground cavern, and falls into the water. Nude giant lizard things down here. Dunno why the surface ones get clothes. Oh well. Rainbow climbs to get away, and finds the purple Sprite, Orin, from the intro. He gives her some star sprinkle Viagra, and her mojo is back. She shoots one of the lizards in the face. You ever get rainbow in your eye? It burns!

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Rainbow and Orin escape, and he says they need to save the universe. She says there’s one thing to do first. He questions what could be more important than saving the universe. Why, saving the boy of course. She can’t be badass if she can’t show the boy she’s better than he is. Orin gives her a weapon for Krys when she saves him, and she’s off. With Starlight retrieved, the weapon is delivered to Krys. With a little rainbow power shot through it, it allows Krys to freeze the warden solid, and they escape.

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Murky and Lurky get caught by prison planet glitter bots, and are brought before The Princess. They claim they will stop Rainbow Brite. Her guard questions how they can do what his forces couldn’t. Murky says he’s been waiting for her to lead him to all her belts. Princess likes the sound of that. She’s an accessory girl after all.

Orin tells Rainbow and Krys to destroy the jewel that gives The Princess her power. With the prism weapon, and Rainbow’s power, they can’t lose! Now our heroes just need to break into the castle that they worked so hard to escape. Gotta love it.

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On Spectra, the OCD Sprites and Orin are working to cut up all the yarn covering it. Good luck, little guys! On Earth, Brian is watching a blizzard, and willing Rainbow to help them. We all worship fierce divas, Bri. You’ll discover that as you get older.

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Our heroes confront Princess in her chamber, and she delights that the belt is back. She uses her dark power to take them on, but they have teamwork on their side this time. Even with that, it’s isn’t until the comic relief crashes in that the tide turns, and they’re able to destroy the dark jewel of the Princess. Princess doesn’t care, she’s taking her spaceship to a Spectra to claim her giant diamond.

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When we return to Spectra, the Sprites and Orin have managed to overthrow the glitter bots, a task that never occurred to them before now. Princess arrives, and Orin is worried if she crashes that the planet will shatter into a million pieces. Again, planet of diamond. Shattered. From the impact of a spaceship. I know, that’s where I draw the line. It’s what I do, it’s not going anywhere. You’ll learn to appreciate it.

Epic finale! Rainbow summons a rainbow that smacks into Spectra ahead of The Princess, and sends her flying. Spectra is lit back up, and sparking like Liz Taylor.

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Winter fades on Earth, and birds start singing. Rainbow takes Krys to Rainbow Land, and introduces him to her color minions. Group pose of newfound friendship, and scene.

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–JJ