By Joshie Jaxon
Greetings, geek fans! Your dear Joshie has been going through a lot of reflection lately, and decided to share with you what I’ve discovered. There’s so much pain and ugliness in the world that it could get anyone down, and I am no exception. Everyone seems to be losing their minds over trans people in the restrooms, interracial couples in commercials, etc. In the age of social media, everyone sounds off all their bile and venom, and it seems that those are the voices that are being heard more than ever. It’s depressing to feel like there are no champions out there trying to fight the good fight. I would like to be one of those champions. I want to do something to spread love and joy instead. I want to help lift people up, and help show them that they aren’t alone. I figured the best way to accomplish that, was to help break down some of the race/gender/body type/relationship barriers that are out there. We are all unique and beautiful, and deserve to be celebrated exactly as we are, without conforming to any of the standards that society has declared to be the norm.
I consider myself a bohemian, and believe in things like freedom, beauty, truth, and love. Yes, I got that from Moulin Rouge. No, it doesn’t make my statement any less valid. My goal is to show the natural beauty that all people possess. I want the world to change what it thinks of as beautiful, and normal, so I’m going to start with me. I lay myself before you, raw, naked, and exposed. Literally. This is who I am. I’m damaged. I struggle with body issues, depression, and occasional suicidal thoughts. I’m gay, pasty, a bit overweight, and in the beginning of what could be a Polyamorous relationship with two great guys that accept all that I am. I have a talent for writing. I’ve written a book series that contains pieces of my soul, and inner pain. I also have this blog where I share my humorous take on a variety of subject. These aren’t the only contributions I want to make to the world. I would like to try my hand at standup comedy. I’m interested in adapting fairy tales for the LGBT community. More than anything else, I want my life to have meaning, and to help give meaning to the lives of others. Whatever condition we’re in, we’re not alone.
I think a lot of the pain in the world comes from trying to carry our burdens on our own, because we think no one else cares about us. We’re all so consumed with our own issues, that we don’t take the time to see the pain the people around us are dealing with. I believe the first step we need is a paradigm shift. We need to be able to voice the things that bother us the most, only then can it truly begin to heal. As I mentioned, I’m overweight. Thanks to mainstream media, coupled with the impossible standards of the gay community, I’m not always comfortable in my own skin. I worry what others think of me, and that they’ll let my physical appearance keep them from getting to know me. I think I’ve figured out why people get so disgusted by the overweight. It isn’t that person specifically, it’s that “fat” is something that can happen to any of us. We ridicule people to reinforce to ourselves that we don’t want to be like them. I’m sorry, but I’ll take fat, kind, and smart over thin and douchey any day. When I look in the mirror, I like who I see, because I know that I do my best to stand up for those who may feel too low to stand up for themselves.
I covered my battle with the suicidal thoughts in my head in an earlier Pride Post, and won’t rehash it again. I will touch on my depression though. There are days, for no good reason at all, that I feel like a useless piece of shit that the world would be better off without. Occasionally the darkness pulls me so far down that I don’t even get joy from my usual activities, like writing or gaming. I recognize those thoughts for what they are, and have to fight tooth and nail to try and claw my way out from under them. It’s on those days that I try to do something good for someone else, to defy my thoughts, and prove to myself that I still deserve to be here dammit. I know not everyone is so lucky. Stay strong, and don’t give up the fight, no matter how exhausting. You’re worth it. Keep telling yourself that.
As a gay man I had to come out, because the world in which we currently live doesn’t allow people to just be themselves. If you are different in any way from the norm, you are called out on it, ridiculed, shunned, and more. Point the finger somewhere else, so no one looks at you. The problem with that, is that depending on the culture, they’re the abnormal ones. Again, I think it stems from not wanting to be away from the group, so people agree to extremes that they might otherwise not believe in, if they actually sat down and thought it out. Personally, I’m one of those who doesn’t mind standing alone for what I feel is right. As long as all parties are of legal age, are consenting, and not actively setting out to harm anyone, I see no reason why anything they do should bother us; let alone be our business that we somehow feel we’re entitled to weigh in on. All I want In life is for people to be happy, loved, and cared for. I hope that by sharing some of my pain, it helps you accept a piece of your own.
There’s no amount of eating, no amount of shopping, no amount of sex that can fill the holes that have been punched in our hearts. The only thing that will, is love. I may not alway understand where some people come from, but I do my best not to hate them. They’re struggling with their own burdens, and must feel pretty miserable if they have to try and spread that pain around. I’m working on a project that will focus on spreading love, and giving a voice to our pain. It is my hope that this project will accomplish all that I intend it to. It can be located here – https://love-xposed.com
In the words of Christina Aguilera, “we are beautiful, no matter what they say”. My love and support to you all, no matter what you are struggling with, I’ll say it again, you’re not alone.