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X-Men: Evolution – Strategy X

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By Joshie Jaxon 

Greetings, geek fans! I’m here to bring you the second of our X-Men animated series reviews. This one is on X-Men: Evolution. A lot of hardcore fans didn’t like this series, while others did. I think it’s because of the high school element. People didn’t want to see their characters as whiny teens. Personally, I enjoy any chance to see my main Marvel mutants in action. Plus, we can now begin comparisons between this series and the prior one. I’ll be doing that with each new entry. Maybe at the end I will post a battle royale and leave it for the fans to decide. Let the geeks begin! 

Even though there’s an opening scene before the credits, I’m gonna comment on them first to avoid distraction from the plot. Like X-Men ’92, we get an intro to each character, although not all of them are in this episode. Oops, Spoilers. Anyhow, we’ve naturally got Cyclops, then Jean Grey, who once again doesn’t get any kind of code name. I’m guessing her identity isn’t as important to protect as the others. Next up, Spyke. Side note, someone recently commented on the Deadpool trailer that Spyke is traditionally male. To that person I say, there is a female character in the Marvel Universe that has bones growing all over and can use them as weapons. Her name is Sarah, aka Marrow. Do your research before you upset the community as a whole. Where was I? Oh yes, Wolverine, of course. Followed by Storm, Rogue, Shadowcat, and my main man, Nightcrawler. Any series featuring Nightcrawler automatically ranks high for me. After Spider-Man’s metabolism and agility, and Wolverine’s healing factor, teleporting is the power I’d want most. I get sidetracked easily. You know this by now. On with the show. 

  
We open with cheerleaders and a football game. Something so many of us comic fans can relate to. They’re just pandering to the straight fans. It’ll get good real soon. The lead sports guy, Duncan, gets slammed into by other guys and everyone cheers. It’s like the Roman Coliseum, but in Ancient Greece. That wouldn’t make for kid-friendly tv. Back on topic. Jean takes his picture, but it isn’t for the yearbook, it’s for her private collection. Ugh, why to straight people have to flaunt their lifestyle like that. There are impressionable kids watching that may try experimenting with heterosexuality because they saw it on tv. America is doomed, and we’re only forty-five seconds in. In the stands, Scott is fumbling a quarter though his fingers. I’m gonna peak in high school and end up a gas jockey for life, Duncan, sees “Toady” Tolansky picking pockets, and rather than telling the security guy that’s right there, he and his cronies decide to handle it. Since Bayville is currently winning, their coach excuses them. I wonder what the coach thinks they’re going off to do. Quick circle jerk in the locker room? Is it a circle if it’s only three people? Triangle jerk just sounds weird. I’ll ponder on this. Scott drops his quarter, but sees Toad picking pockets from underneath the bleachers. His friend, who isn’t named, asks if they should call the cops. Nark. Scott says he’ll keep that option open. Duncan and his goons threaten to crush Toad. Scott tells them not to, suggesting Toad can just give back the cash. Duncan asks why he cares. Scott’s not crazy about three on one. Clearly he’s never been to Babylon on fetish night. They throw Toad into the mud. Scott intervenes, and Toad literally hops away. Duncan falls in the mud, and in his cro magnon rage goes after Scott. Jean shows up, and despite being able to read minds to know what’s up, shouts at Scott not to fight, which gets him punched in the face. His glasses fall off, and the eye beams come out, hitting a nearby propane tank, and causing an explosion. 

  
Firemen, police, and Professor X show up. Under the bleachers, Jean says “it’s too hot to touch, at least with my hands”. I swear there’s an adult film that starts with that exact same line. Jean finds Scott’s surprisingly non-melted glasses under a burning piece of rubble, and gives them to Scott, who promptly puts them on his face. They’re both kinda stupid. Jean tells Scott to split, as we see a medic examining Duncan. Fortunately he has a concussion, and doesn’t remember what happened. As the cop looks around, and starts to announce what he thinks happened, the professor uses his powers to make him think there was a problem with the gas line. Let’s think this through, since Charles didn’t. A normal, human, police officer, who doesn’t know what a mutant is, isn’t going to leap to the conclusion that a student used his optic blast by mistake, and blew up the snark bar. Maybe if Charlie had checked the cop’s mind to see what he was thinking, he wouldn’t have needed to meddle at all. Jean asks Duncan if he’s ok. Duncan admits he has a skull like concrete. Scott watches with obvious longing. Toad approaches him, and thanks him for what he did. Being a teenager, Scott sulks off. Toad eats a fly out of the air. Bleh. The professor says things are under control, and tells his driver, Storm, they need to go. I’m sure there’s some racism in there somewhere. Sexism too. Anyhow, they go to the train station to pick up a cloaked boy named Kurt. 

  
Elsewhere, the next day, we see a motorcycle driving through a forested area. The driver stops at a mom n pop store, and sees a newspaper about the explosion. Pop asks if he’s gonna buy the paper. Logan says yes, and a cold water. Pop starts in about the unusually warm weather, and we hear a slice off camera. Wolverine downs his water and tells pop to recycle the glass. As he leaves, we see that Sabertooth is watching him. Furry stalker. 

At the X-mansion, Scott wants Jean to get out of the bathroom, but she’s busy primping. Whoa, mutants have problems just like the rest of us. This is so relatable. Scott threatens to blow the door down, and Jean opens it like he’s the tardy one. Before they can leave for school, the professor calls them to his office. He introduces them to Kurt. Scott offers him a handshake, but Kurt moves away. The professor tells him he’s among friends. Kurt removes his blue, three fingered, hand from his pocket, and shakes hands with Scott. Prof. X say he set up his school for gifted youngsters whose talents aren’t always an asset. Scott asks if he heard about the prior night. Not admitting he was there, the professor says it was on all the news channels. Scott says it was an accident. The professor says he’s lucky the true cause wasn’t discovered. Scott says he’s packing a bazooka behind each eyeball, and asks what he wants. Control, which is what he’s there to learn. The professor turns to Kurt, and explains Scott’s power. Jean asks Kurt if he has a special gift, implying beyond the blue appearance. Kurt teleports to the other side of the room, and says, maybe. 

  
At the school, Toad is waiting outside the principal’s office. She looks like the kind of fierce diva bitch that adult gay men love, as long as their bitchcraft isn’t directed at them. Principal Darkholm holds her nose as Toad walks by, and opens a window. It’ll be a running gag the rest of the episode. She asks about his new friend, Scott Summers. Toad says he’s cool, and he saved him from the jocks. The principal says he’s got powers, and there are others like him. She wants him to find out more. Toad doesn’t wanna be a rat. The principal’s hand changes to claws, and she yells at him to do as he’s told. 

  
Back at the X-Mansion, Kurt is marveling at the size of his enormous, er, room. He can’t believe how big it is, and that it’s all his. The professor says his parents sent him there to be happy. Storm sets a package on the bed. Out of context, this sounds like the start of some weird, interracial, cripple porn. Kurt says he can’t be happy looking like he does. He frightens people. The professor hands him a watch. When he puts it on, Kurt becomes an average white teenager. I’m guessing Charles went with white cause Kurt had already been harassed for being a different color, and didn’t wanna give him flashbacks. Kurt is happy to look normal. All five fingers flex on their own. After this episode, index and middle move together, as do ring and pinky. Storm says he was already normal as his natural self. Kurt is still overjoyed. They leave him to explore his new look in the mirror. We see Kurt open the box, and reveal his X-Men uniform. 

  
At school, Scott is getting ready for lunch when Toad approaches him, and leaps on top of the lockers. Toad snatches Scott’s glasses with his tongue, and says Scott should open his eyes. Scott says they both know what will happen if he does. So, does Scott shower after gym with the glasses on? If so, I find it very hard to believe that he’s never had an accident up until the previous night. High school kids are brutal and single out anything that isn’t their homogenized version of normal. Anyhow, Toad eats Scott’s lunch in one slurp, and says they should talk sometime. In the X-Mansion, the professor gets an alert that a mutant is using it’s powers openly. The phone rings, and the professor greets Scott before he can say hi. Scott says he’s creeped out by that, and Xavier apologizes. Scott tells him about Toad being like them, though he has the hygiene of a dead pig. The professor says he’ll see about letting Toad join them. Kurt enters the room, and sees Toad on the monitor. The professor explains about cerebro being able to identify mutants. Kurt asks if he’s one of them. The professor says maybe. He speaks telepathically to Storm, who is watering her plants with rainwater, to see if she’ll audition someone for him. 

  
That night, Toad, in his own uniform I might add, hops up to the mansion gate. He leaps it in one jump. Storm steps outside, summons some weather, and tries to zap toad with lightning. Luckily, she doesn’t ask what happens to a toad when it’s stuck by lightning. Let’s all pretend that horrible line was never spoken in the movie. Speaking of, with the exception of Spyke and Nightcrawler, this team is basically the team from the X-Men movie. Just throwing that out there. The wind blows a door open, and also blows Toad right into Nightcrawler. Toad asks if he’s a ratty plush toy. Kurt says he reeks like unwashed lederhosen. Ooh, German burn! Wait, that’s a historically bad thing. Never mind. Toad leaps at Nightcrawler, who teleports away. The two begin chasing and taunting each other through the mansion. Why do the kids always roughhouse when it rains? Storm enters, and Xavier says that Tolansky could be an X-Man. Storm says his heart blinds him. Nightcrawler and Toad continue their chase, knocking things off the walls, and breaking a bust. Xavier tells them the test if over, and Toad is welcome to join them if he wants. The only thing Toad wants is Nightcrawler’s head. I hear he’s the talk of the underground gloryhole scene in Düsseldorf. Toad latches on to Kurt, and in his panic as they fall, he teleports them into the Danger Room. 

  
Nightcrawler asks where they are. Toad says he should know, since he brought them there. The defense system activates, and the two begin to freak. The professor telepathically tells Scott and Jean that Kurt and Toad are in there. Scott says it’ll attack with everything it’s got. Um, why would that happen? If the control room isn’t even in the DR proper, what exactly could an intruder do just standing in there? Why would it need to try and essentially murder anyone that stumbled into it? Good luck mind wiping those memories away, Chuck. Toad screams, as he and Kurt try to dodge giant scissors, lightning, and laser blasts. I’m gonna assume that it’s able to detect that these were mutant intruders, cause if a regular human was in there, they’d be dead by now. Scott and Jean hit the scene. Scott takes out the cannons, while Jean saves Kurt. He calls her and angel. She asks if he’s a demon. Toad nearly gets crushed, but Scott saves him. Meanwhile, Storm and Xavier hit the control room, and he uses a voice code to disable security. That’s great and all, but in a world where Mystique exists, a voiceprint isn’t that secure. Besides, they have image inducer watches, but he can’t disable security from his non-hover wheelchair? Whatever. During the five second delay before the kill room stops trying to kill, Nightcrawler realizes that it is a training room. Toad has seen enough, and wants out. Nightcrawler apologizes for messing up, and teleports away. 

  
On his way off the property, Toad runs into Logan, literally. Snikt, and Toad is ready to wet himself. The professor tells Logan to let him go. Logan smelled trouble, but maybe it was stink boy. Poor Toad. Meanwhile, Nightcrawler is in the hangar and is looking at the Blackbird. Cyclops enters, and starts bro-ing out over how fast it is, and the firepower. Nightcrawler asks if it’s his. Scott says it’s theirs, and if Kurt sticks around, he’ll show him how to fly it. Kurt says he almost got Scott killed. Scott laughs it off, and says not to do it again, but that’s what they’re there to learn; how not to make those mistakes. Kurt asks if Scott minds the way he looks. Scott says as long as he’s not hassled about his shades, they’re cool. 

  
At Bayville High, we hear the principal yelling, and all the bikes outside fall over. She can’t believe he was inside, and he ran away. Toad says he freaked. She says the professor probably wiped his mind so he can’t remember a thing. Toad shakes his head. Clearly he remembers enough to know he freaked out, but not why. Weird. She orders him out of the office, closes the door, and screams as she shifts into her Mystique look. We hear a voice telling her not to be too hard on the boy. Paper clips start moving around on their own. We see Magneto’s form outside the window, saying this is only the beginning. 

  
Speaking of voices, as fans of the blog will know, I love me some good voiceover talent. Evolution has several of my favs, one of which plays Nightcrawler. More than that though, is that three characters on this show are also in Death Note. Nightcrawler, Cyclops, and Mystique play Light, Mikami, and Rem, respectively. Just another fun tidbit. Now, for those keeping score between ’92 and Evolution, let’s recap. We have accidental Danger Room, and a glimpse of Sabertooth, and Magneto in episode one, check. Xavier, Scott, Jean, Logan, Storm, and Rogue as regulars in the series, check. Jean not having a code name, check. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

  

X-Men – Night of the Sentinels, Part 1

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By Joshie Jaxon 

Happy new year, geek fans! I pondered what post I should kick off 2016 with, and the answer was an easy one; X-Men. With Deadpool and Apocalypse coming out later this year, I figured now was as good a time as any to take a crack at not one, not two, not even three, but four, that’s right FOUR X-Men series that have graced the small screen. To those of you who already know which four they are, you are awesome, and will enjoy my take on each one. Those of you who may have been born after some of these were made, you’re in for a treat. I’m starting off with the original X-Men animated series from 1992. This is what really got me hooked into the Marvel universe as a whole. Up until X-Men ’92, the only heroes I’d really been exposed to had been the Ninja Turtles. Yes, I know, I should probably post on them first, but this is my blog and I’ll post what my whims tell me to. You’re just gonna have to live with it. For now, enjoy this nearly twenty-four year old piece of television greatness. Let the geeks begin! 

  

Alright, not even gonna lie, in the opening credits they’ve only shown Cyclops so far, and I’ve already got chills. Next is Wolverine, Rogue, Storm, the Beast, Gambit, Jubilee, Jean Grey, and finally Professor X. Why doesn’t Jean get a code name? Maybe something like Marvel Girl, or Phoenix, or Fifty Shades of Jean? I fumbled that joke. Sorry, back to credits. Magneto clenching his fist with power, even more chills. This is gonna be so much fun. 

We open with Sabertooth causing destruction as a tv reporter says that it’s only fueling anti-mutant hysteria that’s growing nationwide, thus establishing the tone of this universe. Sabertooth tosses a police car at the camera, as a husband turns off the tv telling his wife, Martha, that she’s one of them. Martha asks how he could register her with the Mutant Control Agency as if she were a criminal. He tells her it’s an outreach program to help these unfortunate people. It’s for their own good. He’d probably feel differently if he were the one being registered. He hopes the neighbors never find out that their little Jubilee is a mutant. They’d never understand. Why give two shits what your neighbors think? Love your damn daughter for who she is. Jubilee overhears them and wonders why this happening to her. She didn’t ask to be a mutant. Substitute the word gay for mutant and you’ll understand why so many of us feel for the X-Men/mutants in general. They can’t help who they are, despite others feeling that they’re bad/wrong/evil, there’s nothing wrong with them, and they need to learn to embrace themselves, and celebrate it. They’re the perfect metaphor for the gay community, or any repressed people, actually. Anyhow, Jubilee says she used to be a normal kid. We see someone silhouetted against the full moon, cause that’s always a good shot. Instead of Superman, we get to see our very first Sentinel. We know that from the title, they’re never called that at all during the episode. Spoilers. The Sentinel lands on the ground, taking out a lamppost. It’s bigger than a house. It crashes through some trees, and nearly takes out a car too. Clearly, Trask didn’t design these for stealth. Back in the house, Martha asks her husband if he’s sorry they took her in. Of course he isn’t. At that moment, the Sentinel reaches through the window, grabs the bed and gets, nothing. It walks away, tracking Jubilee, as her parents discover the mess and scream. 

  

Jubilee is at the mall, inside the arcade, cause this is the 90’s, and that’s what we did back then. She’s crying to herself that her patents are ashamed of her. She thought they loved her. Well, maybe if you weren’t wearing so much yellow. Did I mention she’s also Asian-American? They did the same thing on Power Rangers. Gotta make sure we know who’s what after all. Anyhow, the Sentinel is stomping through the mall parking lot. People are fleeing, and screaming. Robot the size of a house, you would too. One lady tells a cop to do something. What does she want him to do, arrest it? The Sentinel says to no one in particular that he’s closing on his assigned target. Back in the arcade, Jubilee continues to talk to herself, and wonders what’s so bad about being a mutant. The Universe, answering her call, chooses that moment to activate her power, causing the game to blow up. The manager asks her if she knows how much that game cost. Teenager that she is, she replies, a quarter. He accuses her of being a mutant. Jubilee flees as he shouts they don’t want her kind around. Lousy bigot. He’s just jealous he doesn’t have anything but that change belt to make him special. Jubilee collides with Storm and Rogue and tells them to watch where they’re going. Rogue wonders what crawled up her shorts. I love Rogue. 

  

Meanwhile, the Sentinel has entered the mall, telling people not to be alarmed, he’s there to serve and protect. And cause property damage. Lots of property damage. In a store, we see Gambit buying a dozen decks of cards. The sales girl comments. He said he likes solitaire, unless he’s got someone, to play with. Dirty Cajun. I love it. Jubilee sees the Sentinel, and hopes he’s just security. It says it’s target is identified, and it’s going to initiate capture. A long metal rope extends from it’s palm to catch her. As people flee past Storm and Rogue, she quips there must be sale. Still love her. They see the captured Jubilee and Storm delivers the first of her many great lines of hammy, overly dramatic, awesomeness. To give them proper respect, I will write them in all caps. STORM, MISTRESS OF THE ELEMENTS, COMMANDS YOU TO RELEASE THAT CHILD! Rogue tells her to ease up on the speeches. The Sentinel says they are unidentified mutants, ignore. I love this show, but if the Sentinels were created to round up mutants, and can detect them without their picture and info being in their database, shouldn’t it have captured Storm and Rogue? I’m just throwing that out there. Also, based on it’s scanner, Storm has three inches and five pounds on Rogue. Storm uses her lightning to change from street clothes to X-Men uniform, something that they never explain in the cartoon, but is a nod to their ComicBook history. Storm then zaps the metal rope holding Jubilee and fries the very girl she was trying to save. Actually, she does use lightning on it, but it breaks, rather than conducting electricity. Hey, she’s flying here, let’s suspend a little disbelief. As Storm lands with Jubilee, Rogue lifts up the escalator stairs to deflect a blast. Jubilee is in awe. Storm says Rogue has a way with men. Cut to Rogue punching the Sentinel right in the face. 

  

In the card shop, the salesgirl is winking at Gambit. He hears the commotion and goes to leave. Rogue punches the Sentinel again, and it crashes into the store. He gets the girl to the corner, telling her that insurance should cover it. The Sentinel gets up, and blasts Storm and Rogue through a glass ceiling. I smell symbolism. The latter asks what it is. Storm believes it’s a robot. Jubilee tries to flee, but gets the floor blasted out from under her. Luckily Gambit is there to catch her. He calls her petite and asks where she’s going. Anywhere but there. The Sentinel tells him to move aside so he can apprehend that mutant. Gambit says apprehend this, and flings a charged card at the Sentinel, followed by several others. Jubilee asks how he did that. With style, petite, with style. Have I mentioned that I love this show? The Sentinel blasts Gambit, as Jubilee runs away. She says the mall has turned into a real live video game. She hides behind a column, hoping she isn’t seen, then peeks behind it like the dumb teen she is. Sentinel scans Gambit and calls him an unregistered mutant, expendable. Wait, so Gambit is expendable, but Storm and Rogue should be ignored? Is this some sort of sexism thing? Men are dangerous, but two petite girls are fine? Proving that girls can be a threat, Jubilee puts on her big girl pants and tells the Sentinel to leave him alone, as she blasts fireworks at it’s face, forcing it back. Staring at her hands in disbelief, Gambit has to tell her to run. Jubilee giveth, and Jubilee taketh away. She makes it outside, but the Sentinel exits the mall, causing more damage. It then throws a smoke grenade, which it probably should’ve done in the beginning, and Jubilee collides with Cyclops before she starts to pass out. The Sentinel fires on him, and misses. Scott offers the Sentinel an energy blast from a pro, and takes it’s head off. He may be a boy scout, but the man has power. 

  

X-Mansion, presumably that same night. Jubilee wakes up in the infirmary. Her powers short out the monitor she’s hooked to. She checks the door, but it’s locked. She tells her finger to zap it. There’s a dirty joke in there somewhere, but such is my reverence for this show, I’m gonna let this one slide. Jubilee’s finger lights up and she blasts the handle off the door. As she tries to find the way out, she passes Beast hanging from the ceiling. Then Morph watching a tv report on the growing mutant violence. Those who are wondering who Morph is, since he wasn’t in the opening credits, have every right to question him. Clearly he’s a member of the X-Men, by part 2, he’ll play a bigger role than the others could imagine. I’d say more, but as River Song would say, spoilers. Anyways, Morph amuses himself by turning into the various people he sees on tv, which is what I would do with that power. After turning into Tom Hiddleston and seeing if I was anatomically correct. Don’t judge me, you’d do it to. Jubilee finds herself in the War Room, and we get a glimpse at Domino, Cannonball, Sabertooth, Magneto, and Senator Kelly on the monitors. Jubilee turns them off, the sees the giant Sentinel head. We hear Charles say that what happened at the mall was inevitable. I’d like to point out that this is 1992, but Professor X has hover chair technology. It’s possible that Beast or Forge made it, but we don’t meet Forge for a while, and they aren’t exactly familiar when we do. Just saying, we’re in 2016 and we don’t have that. Jean points out that the monitors were on. The professor scans the area, and says it’s the girl. Jubilee runs. Then we hear the professor announcing there’s an intruder, despite the fact they could technically be considered kidnappers for bringing her there, and locking her in a room. Beast and Morph search the halls, as Jubilee presses buttons trying to escape. 

   

Jubilee manages to enter the Danger Room. The Gambit/Wolverine training sequence starts up. After nearly being hit by a giant spiked ball, she wonders if she’d have been better off with the giant robot. Gambit sees Jubilee and tells her that this is no place for her. Wolverine appears in all his bad-assery. Gambit throws a card and misses. Wolverine eventually gets Gambit facedown on the ground, extends his, er, claws, and says that the game is over. He asks Gambit if he’s had enough, and to say “uncle”. Everyone has their own safe word, don’t judge. Jubilee shouts not to hurt him, and blasts Wolverine in the gut with her pyrotechnics, sending him flying. The doors open and Storm, Morph, and Beast appear. Storm asks if the girl is alright. Wolverine says not for long. Jubilee says they were fighting and she wanted to help. Beast and Morph start laughing. Wolverine bares his claws, and they shut up. Gambit says she hurt Wolverine’s pride. Jubilee asks where she is. Beast says it’s a gymnasium, and survival course, affectionately called the Danger Room. Storm takes Jubilee to the roof for some girl talk. She explains that they’re all mutants, who discovered their gifts around Jubilee’s age. Storm says the professor is their leader, and they’re called the X-Men. She then tells her she’s safe. Um, wasn’t she just an intruder? Whatevs. Storm explains she got her name cause she can control the weather. Jubilee introduces herself, and says she blows stuff up. Storm says this is a school for the gifted. Jubilee, letting her teen out again, says they’re a little old for school, unless they all got held back. Storm says they learn how to control their mutant powers for the benefit of mankind. Jubilee asks why people hate them. Storm gives a valid answer; people hate what they don’t understand. 

  

In the War Room, the professor is looking at part of the Sentinel’s memory files. Wolverine asks if anyone contacted Jubilee’s patents. Rogue said they hollered, but no one hollered back. Prof. X says the photo is from the Mutant Control Agency registration files. Cyclops asks if the government is targeting mutants. The professor says no, they’re a private organization and aren’t government supported. He says someone at the agency has a hidden agenda. Cut to Gyrich at Jubilee’s house, asking if she has any mutant friends, like Storm and Rogue, who he shows a picture of. Jubilee gets off a bus and runs right past a Sentinel. It activates, and walks after her. Before she can get away, another one appears. This time they listen to me, and gas her from the beginning. She says, not again, and sees Gyrich for a second before blacking out. Back in the War Room the professor is telling the team about the Mutant Registration Facility, and how it has the files of innocent mutants that were duped into revealing themselves. Logan says they’ll get the files, and shred them. Gambit said he can do it easy. The professor says no, Storm is going in with Wolverine, Beast, and Morph. Morph says if it’ll make Gambit feel better, he’ll go in wearing his face. Cyclops will be in overall command. As the professor leaves, Scott follows him out. He says he believes in the dream of peace between humans and mutants, but asks if they’re actions are about to make them hypocrites. Prof. X says they have no choice. Logan asks Scott if teacher’s pet has cold feet. He flashes a beam in his visor. Wolverine says he’ll fight him any time. Jean runs up and says that Jubilee is gone. Wolverine says he’s going after her. Scott says no, they have a job to do. Wolverine gets in his face and flashes his claws, delivering the awesome line, “I go, where I wanna go”. He then shoves Gambit aside calling him gumbo as he storms out. In case I haven’t mentioned it, I love this show. 

   

The Blackbird lands near the registration facility. Scott tells them to stay close. Rogue says not too close. She mentions how as a teen she used to have a boyfriend, until she kissed him. He was in a coma for three days. That’s when the boys stopped calling. Beast says she was fortunate, he had dandruff. I get that he was trying to lighten the mood, but putting someone in a coma over a kiss, and not being able to have skin to skin contact without absorbing people isn’t “fortunate” not matter how you slice it. Rogue asks him what makes then like they are. His answer is great. Gamma rays, pollution, ozone depletion, heh, television. Morph adds, progress. Wolverine says it’s lousy luck, then tells them they make a lot of noise. Storm asks if he found Jubilee. He says the trail went cold outside the house. He got bit by a dog too. Storm summons some cloud cover, as Morph asks for boost. Beast and Wolverine throw him over the fence. He impersonates the guard, and kicks him out with a gas gun. Beast and Wolverine follow. As a guard tells them to halt, Logan pops out the claws. Storms zaps the guard unconscious, cause that’s somehow better. Mad he didn’t get to claw anything, he uses them on the metal door to get inside. Beast dangles the guard’s keys at him. Wolverine says he’ll buy them a new door. Before they can advance, Wolverine says there are electronic beams. Beast asks if he can detect the infrared spectrum. No, he can smell them; ozone. Storm summons mist so the beams can be seen. Beast travels on the ceiling to the power box and turns them off. Outside, Rogue tells Cyclops he’s as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Good one, Rogue, now do Brer Rabbit. A tank approaches, and Cyclops says they’ve got trouble. Back inside, Morph says it’s nothing but clear sailing from here. Famous last words. Storm reaches for a door handle, while there are several armed men on the other side. Credits. Cliffhanger. Noooo! 
That’s the first of our four X-entries. I hope you enjoyed it. This may be the first series I post a second episode of. It’s just that damn good. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing. 
  

A Garfield Christmas Special

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By Joshie Jaxon 

Happy holidays, geek fans! After that last post with those awful critters, I decided to go with something more family friendly. I’m finishing out the holiday trifecta with Garfield’s X-Mas special. I watched Peanuts thanksgiving, but there were performance issues, and I couldn’t get it up. It happens. Let’s not dwell on it. I prefer Garfield anyways, he’s not nearly as preachy. He also appeals to my inner hedonist. I wasn’t alive in the 60’s or 70’s, but I am all for, if it feels good, do it. Now, even though X-Mas is after Thanksgiving, this special takes place before that one. Keep that in mind. That being said, let the geeks begin!  

We open on Jon’s house, which from the outside looks like Santa threw up all over it. There’s yard decorations, signs, ribbons, a giant tree, lights, and an animatronic Santa and sleigh. Clark Griswold wishes his house looked like this. Personally, it’s a little much for me. Inside the house, Garfield’s bed looks like a present, his blanket has trees on it, there’s a giant electronic candle, and Jon enters in a elf costume. I’m all for holiday spirit, but this really is too much. Jon says that it’s X-Mas morning. Garfield says that means presents. Jon says he can’t open gifts on an empty stomach, and lays out his breakfast lasagnas so Garfield can eat his way to the tree. Once Garfield gets there, Jon goes to get his present. Garfield is so excited he’s biting his nails, er, claws. A forklift comes in carrying a giant gift. It opens to reveal a Santa throne. Jon says it will read his mind, and whatever he can think of, he’ll get. Jon demonstrates by conjuring an elf hat. Garfield throws him out of the device and conjures some jewels. That’s just for starters. It’s time for the opening number. This is what X-Mas is all about. Gimme, gimme, gimme, starts playing as Garfield conjures up a mountain of presents as the credits roll. This may be 1987 but he’s got the American consumerism down. Gadgets! Toys! Greed! Avarice! You go, kitty! 

  

Back in reality, Jon wakes Garfield to tell him it’s X-Mas Eve morning. Garfield ain’t having it before breakfast. Jon tells him they need to pack up so they can go to the farm. Garfield quips that he’s got a sick sense of humor. Jon says the whole family will be there; mom, dad, grandma, and Doc Boy. Garfield is still less than enthused. He wonders why he has to be drug from his bed to see some stupid relatives, and why he has to go to the stupid farm. He wonders why they can’t come to where his warm bed is. He then wonders why he’s whispering. I wonder too. After all, the only one who can hear and understand him is Odie, who wasn’t even in the room. This cartoon dances with the line of reality, but given that it’s a “talking” cat, we have to just go with it. It’s easier if you just go with it. 

In the present-filled car, passing the city limit, Jon says he can almost smell mom’s chestnut dressing. That’s not what Garfield smells. Jon starts going on about what he enjoys at X-Mas, including the smiles on everyone’s faces. Well, almost everyone. Garfield is a sour puss. Pun intended. Jon starts singing about his childhood traditions, and Garfield counters each point with a still modern level of cynicism. Garfield says the great thing about X-Mas is the insomnia and the anxiety that kids get from having to wait. As they pull up to the farm, Jon tells Garfield to behave. Fine, he’ll stay in the car. 

  

Inside, we get to see the family. Jon’s mom takes the presents. Jon shakes hands with his dad, who calls him a city slicker. Jon greets his favorite brother, who reminds him that he’s Jon’s only brother. We hear grandma telling them to visit until their lips fall of for all she cares. She’ll just sit there in the dark, alone. Jon says hi, and she points out that city life has made him soft. He’s even got a belly. Grandma then promptly punches him in it, doubling him over. I like grandma. She says she does a hundred sit ups every morning, and her stomach is hard as a rock. Trying to divert attention, Jon points Garfield out. She remembers when they had wood-burning cats, a statement that still makes no sense to me. Garfield either, as he says it’s bizarre. Jon’s mom is so full of holiday cheer she could just burst. Grandma tells her to put a sock in and to go finish dinner. Garfield just smirks. Have I mentioned that I like grandma? It bears repeating. 

  

Jon takes Garfield and Odie outside. The latter is happily bouncing through the snow, while the former is nothing but a tail above it. Just as he says things can’t get worse, he smacks into a water pipe. Inside, grandma is checking on mom’s gravy, and is preparing to add some chili powder when mom catches her. Grandma mutters that her gravy won a prize while mom’s didn’t even place, she then sprinkles the gravy with the chili powder. Atta girl! Meddle! Meddle your little heart out! Jon and Garfield return to the house. Where’s Odie? He’s out in the barn, rummaging through various junk, and pulling items aside. What’s that dog up to? Garfield hops up on the counter, and sees the gravy on the stove. He uses a finger and takes an unsanitary taste. We get a spectacular toon reaction as he breathes fire from the chili powder. He lands on the counter, and says it’s perfect. Odie sneaks back into the house, whistling his theme music. 

  

At the table, the family sits down for dinner. Doc Boy reaches for a roll, but his mom tells him to say grace. He complains, and grandma hits him upside the head with a spoon. He thanks the lord, and we get an amen, but he breaks into some flowery thing about finding peace. Grandma hits him again, and he finally stops. Jon asks for the potatoes. Scalloped, whipped, fried, baked, or boiled? Mom always makes too much food. Since Jon can’t decide, he asks for a piece of pie. Apple, peach, pumpkin , blueberry, or banana cream? Meanwhile, on the other side of the table, grandma is sneaking bits of food to Garfield and Odie. He says the service is great, as is the cuisine, but the decor leaves something to be desired. He gives it two stars. Jon thanks his mom for dinner. Grandma loudly clears her throat, and he acknowledges her too. He offers Garfield some leftovers, but as he’s already full, he decides to pass. 

  

Time to trim the tree. On X-Mas Eve. That seems so weird to me. Personally, I wait until at least after Thanksgiving, but to decorate the tree the day before the holiday just seems, anti-climatic. Yes, you get to enjoy it for the day, but you chopped down a tree for one day of use? Oh well, it’s a cartoon. They don’t have to worry about such things. Odie steals some wire from a box of decorations, and Garfield goes to sit with grandma. She comments on how the family is jawing like a bunch of banshees. Though, to make it through life you have to be a little crazy. Just look at her, she talks to cats. Back at the tree, Doc Boy is on all fours with dad standing on him, while Jon steadies him. Dad asks why they can’t put the star on first, and then raise the tree. Mom says it just wouldn’t be X-Mas that way. Jon decides to recruit Garfield for the mission. Like my cat, Garfield likes climbing X-Mas trees. He says if he’s not back in an hour, to send a banana cream pie. Garfield takes the star, and scales the tree like a pro. That is, until he gets to the top and looks down. He freaks, grabs the tree for dear life, and places the star. The family applauds him, and getting caught up in attention, he takes a bow, which causes him to fall down to the ground through the tree. He says whoever invented them should be drug into the street and shot. Poor kitty. Dad plugs the lights and we all get too ooh and ahh at the spectacle. 

  

Mom, who’s name I’m gonna assume is Grace, says it’s time for a good old fashioned piano party. Doc Boy isn’t so sure. Dad smacks him upside the head and says the twenty four years of piano lessons better be worth something. Doc Boy plays and sings, badly. Grandma shoves him aside and brings the house down with her jazzy version of Oh X-Mas Tree. After grandma, it’s mom’s turn to play. She starts a nice song, as Garfield goes to sit with grandma. She doesn’t know how he knew she needed a kitty in her lap. Grandma starts telling him about her late husband, and how he was a good provider, and always made something nice for her and the kids at X-Mas. This is the time of year she misses him most. Aww, right in the feels. 

Mom says it’s time for their annual tradition. It’s time for dad to read Binky, the clown who saved X-Mas. Does he have to? Yes, it’s tradition. Jon and Doc Boy wonder if Binky is gonna save X-Mas again this year. Um, is Doc Boy kinda special? Unless it’s the 25th anniversary special edition author’s cut of the book, the story won’t have changed from last time. They make poor dad do Binky’s “Heeeeey, kids!” In the right voice. Y’all are grown men. I’m all for childhood nostalgia, obviously, but you don’t need to make your dad read to you like that. Be glad your mom forced him to read at all. Mom says it’s bed time, and they cheer. Dad just rolls his eyes. Meanwhile, Odie raids the closet for the handle of a plunger. Really, what’s that dog up to?

  

We see Garfield and Odie sleeping next to the fireplace. Then we see the fire is out, indicating the passage of time. Odie wakes up and nuzzles Garfield to see if he’s awake. Since Garfield slept through it, Odie sneaks off to the barn. Garfield wakes up and looks out the window. Seeing where Odie went, he decides to follow. There’s a song playing about never finding an elf when you need one, as we watch Odie assemble his treasures into a present, then cover it with a bag. Garfield slips, and a box drops some letters on him. He thinks they must be at least fifty years old. 

Back in the house, Jon and Doc Boy try to wake their dad, to see if they can open presents yet. He says it’s one thirty in the morning, no they can’t. They argue that any time after midnight is X-Mas morning. Dad orders them to bed. They leave, still arguing that it is technically X-Mas morning. 

Cut to morning proper. Dad greets the boys asking what they want to do first, chores, breakfast, or presents. They excitedly shout, presents! Doc boy is in a bunny footie pajama, while Jon has on bunny slippers. Yes, these are supposed to be grown men. They open gifts. Jon got a sweater, dad a giant cowboy hat, grandma a bowling ball, and Doc Boy is playing with a toy plane. Yes, seriously. Let’s break this down, shall we? Assuming that he started his piano lessons at five or six, and the twenty four year thing wasn’t a joke, then at minimum, Doc Boy would be twenty nine to thirty. Minimum. Footie pajamas and a toy plane. I’m just saying. Anyhow, mom doesn’t appear to have a present. Perhaps she’ll get a new pearl necklace after the boys leave. Mom says it was a lovely X-Mas. Garfield tugs at her apron and says it’s not over. He goes and retrieves the stack of letters and gives them to grandma. She can’t believe it. They’re love letters from grandpa back when they were courting. Mom asks what they say, but a lady doesn’t reveal such things. I’m guessing they were pervy sex letters. Grandma seems like she’d be into that. Odie then takes Garfield to see what he assembled. Garfield doesn’t know what it is. Odie demonstrates that it’s a self scratcher. Garfield hugs him, and the family awwws. Garfield closes the special by saying X-Mas is not the getting, or the giving, it’s the loving. 

Until next time, everyone. Stay geeky, and keep gabbing!
  

Dungeons & Dragons – The Night of no Tomorrow

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By Joshie Jaxon

Hey, look! The Dungeons & Dragons ride! Six children enter. How many leave? None. Because they’re pulled through a portal, and arrive in a strange land, dressed in strange clothes. Before they can figure out where they are, a five-headed dragon (FHD) attacks them. A creepy little toad looking guy tells them not to fear. Ranger, Barbarian, Magician, Thief, Cavalier, and Acrobat. No sooner do try get their power items, but they run face to face with Venger. The FHD tries to blast him, and Venger flees. Toad man tells the group that he is called Dungeon Master, and he will be their guide in the realm of Dungeons & Dragons. That’s a lot to take in during the opening credits. A know I watched this show as a kid, because I remember that opening sequence, but that’s all. I know Venger usually makes the great 80’s villains lists, but he just isn’t ringing any bells. Maybe he’ll win me over as we continue. Knowing nothing of D&D, I don’t know if there are any “in” jokes about or from the game. That being said, I love 80’s toons, so let the geeks begin! 

  

We open on the group climbing a mountain. They have names, but I’m not going to bother learning them, when I can refer to them by their class, like any good republican would. The barbarian encourages the little unicorn, aptly named Uni, to hurry up the mountain. They marvel at the view, and the echoes. Cavalier tells the thief to get control of her brother. She says he isn’t bothering anyone. Cavalier says he’s bothering him, and he’s trying to think of a way home. I wonder if they’ve tried clicking their heels together three times. The barbarian encourages Uni to try the echo. When he/she/it neighs/bleats/whatever, there’s no echo. Uni tries again, but this time we hear the roar of Tiamat the dragon (FHD). The dragon wants to know why they woke her. Barbarian charges at her, as his thief sister tells him that FHD is indestructible. Ranger shoots a magic arrow to knock barbarian out of the way of the fire, lightning, energy blast from three of the heads. Thief lures the dragon back to cave from whence it came, and uses her invisibility cloak to get away. Her barbarian brother knocks a boulder down to block the entrance. Acrobat says she can understand why Venger is afraid of that dragon. You should be too, sweetie. It has five heads.

  

Dungeon Master appears, and congratulates them. Cavalier is sick of DM’s riddles, and wants a straight answer on how to get home. Patience, all things have a purpose, including their being there. I have a feeling this series is gonna end with them always having the power to return home. Call it a hunch. DM tells the group to go north, to Helix. There, they might, keyword MIGHT find something that will assist them on their way home. Helix was once terrorized by dragons. They were ruled by the face of evil, Venger. You shall know him by his white hair. Um, Venger wears a helmet, we can’t see his hair. Oh well. DM walks behind a rock and disappears. Cavalier hates it when he does that. Didn’t they just get there in the opening credits? How long have these kids been there? Thief is worried. Acrobat says she’s always worried. DM said they should go north, so that’s what they should do. Did I mention Acrobat is a sassy black girl? If I were a different sort of comic, I would call her Afrobat. Alas, I’m not a Lampanelli, a Rivers, or even a Rickles, so I’ll stick with Acrobat. On second thought, it’s too good a name to pass up. Afrobat, ho! 

  

All this time walking is a waste of time. Cavalier would give anything for dad’s limo. Barbarian would give the limo for a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Magician says he’ll make magic burgers. Cavalier says last time they got live turkeys. Hey, he couldn’t help it if the hat thought it was Thanksgiving. He tries for burgers, and gets a live cow. Sassy Afrobat says she likes her burgers more well done than that. None of them has a sword, since we have to think of the children, even though He-Man, Lion-O, Skelletor, Conan, and Voltron all had swords, so the magician tries to get the cow back in his hat. No fresh burgers today. The party passes a sign that says they’re near Merlin’s castle. Then they pass a sign saying it’s the way they came. They can’t figure it out. Afrobat says they forgot to look up. Cue the floating castle in the sky. If only they had a way up. Cue the magical golden ladder. Kids, you’re in a strange land being guided by toady little creep, perhaps you should just think twice about climbing the ladder. They ignore my advice, and climb. They do however think twice about Venger and his white hair. I wonder if that’s about to be important.

  

Cavalier says they have a place like this in Malibu, and wishes he were there. So do your friends. Ranger suggests he swim across the moat, but cavalier isn’t into skydiving. Afrobat says she can handle it, and uses her staff to jump the sky moat, and lower the draw bridge. They enter the castle and meet Merlin, who not only has white hair, but a white rabbit. Merlin says he can do many things, but he can’t grow hair. He removes his hat, with attached wig to reveal that he’s bald. He guides the children to his cauldron. Warning bells, anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Anyhow, Merlin says he can’t help them home, but he can tell them about where they’re headed. Helix fought against a conqueror, who vowed vengeance upon his defeat. Barbarian says that DM told them this already. Ah, but what he didn’t tell you is one year, Merlin appeared, cast a spell, and used his good magic to banish the evil dragons forever. Anyone else notice that Merlin referred to himself in the third person? Anyone else think that rabbit is a hare? If so, we can still be friends. Cavalier says if Merlin isn’t going to help, then he’s leaving. He opens the door, and is face to faces with FHD.

  

Barbarian charges at her. Merlin uses magic to get him to safety. He tells the kids they must leave. Ranger offers to distract it while the others get away. Afrobat, and not Merlin, whose castle this allegedly is, directs them out the door. They close the door, and reinforce it with a wooden beam. Yeah, a gigantic, not to mention fire-breathing, dragon is gonna be stopped by a door. Then again a door held Hurt, Tennant, and Smith in the Tower of London, so why not. Merlin says there’s no escape from the dungeon. Wait, they wanna trap a dragon in the dungeon. Isn’t that a little, I dunno, majorly obvious? Magician conjures a carpet to cover the entrance, while Afrobat lures FHD over. The dragon falls for the trap, cause not one of it’s five heads had a brain. Merlin and the others use another wooden post to hold the wooden dungeon entrance closed. They never learn. Thief gives Merlin back his bunny, but he corrects her that it’s a hare. Merlin thanks them for saving his life. Life? They thought he was supposed to live forever. Oh, goodness no, he’s only seventy. He’s at that age where he wants to pass on his magical secrets, perhaps to magician? Only if he stays for the rest of his life. The group says that magician would never leave them. Wait for it, he’s leaving them to become Merlin’s apprentice. 

  

The party leaves, heading for Helix. Meanwhile, Merlin says they’ll have to deal with the dragon in the dungeon. How? Merlin says his spell book has the answers to all questions, and with that dangling carrot, he orders his new apprentice to stir the cauldron until he returns. Magician can’t resist, and ignores the cauldron to read. We know time passed based on the candle burning down. Thinking he’s found the right one, he raids the pantry for ingredients, and adds them to the cauldron. After the last one is added, smoke starts to rise, and takes the shape of a dragon. Uh oh. This won’t get him home. Yes, that was his first concern, before calling for help. He tracks down Merlin, who knows exactly what he did. Mainly because he switched the spells. Only good magic could undo Merlin’s spell. Wait a sec, there’s that third person speak again. You’re Merlin, aren’t you? The magician finally asks. Merlin says that Merlin has been dead a thousand years; he’s better known as Venger! He takes magician’s hat, and goes after Helix. 

  

Town of Helix, festival celebrating the defeat of the dragons. Ranger says he’s looking for a way home. Barbarian and Uni are busy hitting rocks with his club. Thief and Afrobat are at a fortune teller. She looks in the crystal, telling them she sees fortune for them. A second later, she’s saying the dragons will return. Ranger tells the mayor that he’s not sure why they’re there, but at least he got to meet Merlin. The mayor says that’s impossible, as he’s been dead a thousand years. He passed shortly after casting the spell that defeated Venger’s dragons. Um, Venger is over a thousand? Clearly he’s already got power and longevity. Why is he targeting Earth kids? Oh, that’s right, the Deus ex machina. Fortune teller runs to the mayor, saying the dragons are back. Thief and Afrobat say they need to go get Merlin. Ranger says it wasn’t Merlin. Afrobat says they saw him, he was there, stroking his white rabbit. No, ranger corrects her, it was his hare; his WHITE HARE! Afrobat says they thought they meant hair on your head, not hare. And with that, she loses a few points, and so do children everywhere collectively, since they didn’t have to figure it out on their own. They need to get magician away from Venger. They’ll need horses. Check the stables. 

  

The dragons start to destroy Helix. The mayor says it’s not the worst of it. Legend says the final assault will come soon, and the town will be completely destroyed. Wait, what legend? This is the first we’re hearing about a legend. Sigh. Ranger says Venger must have reversed Merlin’s spell. The one that kept the dragons away. Yes, thief, good girl. Double sigh. They reach Merlin’s castle, and luckily this is the 80’s, and Venger didn’t bother to pull the ladder up to prevent intruders. The group rushes upstairs, to discover magician playing with the hare. Not tied up. Not locked up. Free to come and go if he pleases. Ranger tells him that he needs to cast Merlin’s spell again. Venger says he won’t be casting any more spells tonight. He has the wizard hat, and now he wants the other objects of power too. Barbarian clubs the ground until books rain down on Venger. Ranger tells the group to keep him busy, while he and magician cast Merlin’s spell. Cavalier asks if they’re supposed to tell Venger jokes. Thief has an idea.

  

In the cauldron room, magician is saying he can’t do this, as ranger gives him a pep talk. Venger enters the chamber and says it’s over. Meanwhile, thief asks the group what’s the one thing Venger fears? FHD! They’re gonna let the dragon loose? Don’t they have enough problems? Venger continues to menace the others, saying he’ll add all their powers to his own. Cue FHD through the wall. Venger turns his attention to the immediate threat, and blasts at it, before fleeing, saying he’ll win in the end. FHD follows him through another wall. 

  

Time to see if magician can save the day, er, night. In the name of Merlin! In the time of sorrow! Banish winged demons! Let there be tomorrow! The dragons in Helix disappear, and the group celebrates back on the ground. The ladder and the castle disappear, and magician says now he’ll never get his hat back. Well, maybe you should’ve looked for it before leaving, genius. DM appears, and gives him back his hat. Cavalier says why can’t he return them home, but DM is already gone. Ranger tells magician that in Helix, he’s a hero. They all decide to ride there. Cavalier says he won’t share a horse. Magician conjures up the cow from earlier. Credits

  

Not a bad premier. I got a better idea of the kids’ personalities and motivations than I did Venger’s. It left a lot of questions unanswered. Why does Venger love his hare? Did Glenn Close get one in the past? Is that why he’s called “Venger”, cause he’s avenging his old fluffy friend? Why would Venger leave his hare with magician? Why are the kids going along with DM’s orders? The most important question though is, how did FHD get through the castle undetected the first time, since she clearly doesn’t use doors? I’ll leave you to ponder that. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

  

Thundercats – Exodus

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By Joshie Jaxon



Thundercats are on the move. Thundercats are loose. Feel the magic, hear the roar. Thundercats are loose. Thunder! Thunder! Thunder! Thundercats! Simple, and catchy as hell. Even before rewatching it I could’ve typed it all out. I had the toys, the tank, all of it. Thundercats and Voltron defined my early childhood viewing, and playtime. There was some Rainbow Brite in there to help me be well-rounded, but it was mostly those two. Let the geeks begin! 

  

Red planet of impending doom. The thunder ship orbits a safe distance away. It’s almost time. Should we wake him? Nah, why bother him. Um, his home planet is about to be destroyed. Someone wake your future ruler. Cheetara will do it. It’ll be easier coming from her. She goes to Lion-O’s chamber, and wakes him. Save for a belt and boots, she appears to be nude. Ah, Thundarian fashion. Wait, Lion-O is nude too, except for boots. Isn’t this supposed to be a kids show? Snarf says that Lion-O needs his rest. Lion-O says he’s practically grown. Oops, you weren’t supposed to notice that. Locker room etiquette, people. Unless he draws attention to it, ignore it. Oh wait, he did draw attention to it. Stare away. 

  

On the bridge, Jaga, who has on clothes, by the way, tells Lion-O to come closer, and watch the telescreen. Say, Lion-O, do you like gladiator movies? Creepy old cat. Lion-O watches the planet explode, and asks what that was. Jaga says it was Thundara, and used to be their home. Um, didn’t Lion-O know he was getting on a spaceship? Did he think they were going for a quiet drive to get ice cream? How cruel are the adults here? Your home is gone, but that’s ok, you’re The Lord of the Thundercats. You’ll keep the spirit of the dead planet alive by living up to it’s code in your new home. Justice, truth, honor, and loyalty. Can you do it? He will! Jaga says he’ll have the help of the nobles; Cheetara, Tygra, Panthro, and Wily Kit and Wily Kat. Way to leave Snarf of the list. Snarf! Snarf! Sorry, had to do it at least once. 

  

Jaga takes Lion-O to another room, which houses the Sword of Omens, and the source of their power, the Eye of Thundara. Lion-O touches it, and it grows bigger in his hand. Well, that’s puberty for you. Jaga tells Lion-O that the sword will give him sight beyond sight, and the eye will protect him. Lion-O asks how. Jaga says it will know before he does. That’s a smart jewel if you ask me. Lion-O says he can’t lift it. Jaga says he doesn’t have the strength. He asks Snarf to retrieve the others. Jaga then resumes telling Lion-O it won’t be long before the sword feels natural in his hand. I know it took a while for me. 

  

The other Thundercats enter, and they’re all nude. Two have belts. They all have boots, but not a single stitch of clothing. We need to break this down for a minute. I get it, they aren’t human, they’re cats. However, they’re humanoid cats. Cheetara only has two breasts, not six to eight. They all have normal human mouths and teeth. Save for Tygra and Cheetara’s coloring, you’d never know they had fur. These are essentially naked people. I’d say the bikini cut lines are to imply underwear, rather than full nudity, but three of the five don’t have a line across their torso to support that. The problem is about to be solved, but again I’d like to point out that Jaga has had clothes on the entire time. If there’s no acknowledgement of nudity among them, why does he feel the need to cover up? They aren’t anatomically correct for humans. I’d assume their feline penises are inside them, or covered by thick fur. We can see abs, and peck definition though, so the fur can’t be that thick. Yes, I’m obsessing, but I’ve got the place to myself tonight, and you, dear readers, will have to deal with my random thoughts. 

  

Anyhow, Jaga gives them clothes and weapons to help protect them from the unknown elements of their new home. Cheetara Kit, Kat, and Tygra all get skin tight outfits, while Panthro gets spiked fetish wear. Before they can play with their new toys, they discover they are under attack. Jaga tells Snarf to watch Lion-O while the rest of them go to the bridge. It’s mutants, from the planet Plun-Darr. Jackalman, Monkian, and Slithe manage to take out one of the convoy. Uh oh! The non-primary Thundercats could be killed! They aren’t named though, so we don’t care about them. More of the convoy ships are destroyed, until only the flag ship with the main cast is left. They should expect company. Yep, grappling beams hit the ship, and the mutants start to melt a hole in the hull. I swear the Decepticons already pulled this stunt. Let’s call it a homage and keep going. Being a cheetah, you can guess who arrives first to defend the ship. Tygra then goes invisible for a second, before attacking some monkey men. Now you don’t see me. Now you do. Riveting dialogue. Meanwhile, Panthro tells the jackals if they were as mean as they are ugly, maybe they’d be trouble. 

  

Slithe and Jackalman still haven’t found the eye yet. If only they knew what it looked like. Slithe says he’s seen it. Hold up, back when Jaga was passing out clothes, he said the sword and the eye’s location were only known to him on Thundara. How in the world does Slithe know what it looks like? How I ask you? How! The answer is convenience. Slithe sees it embedded in the Sword of Omens, and knows it on sight. Lion-O has a raging sword in his hand, but he still can’t lift the damn thing. Snarf tries to defend, but is captured in a net. Don’t forget to gag him! Slithe goes after Lion-O, but he won’t give up without a fight. The sword responds to his need, and glows as Lion-O raises it above his head. He has the power! Seeing a kid handle a massive sword like that is too much. Slithe and the others go back to their ship to fap about what they just saw. Geez this show is dirty. Maybe it’s me. Either way, the mutants are gone. Jaga is impressed. Lion-O says the sword did most of the work. Well, he is at that age. 

  

Damage report, Mr. Panthro. The hull has been patched, but the navigation system is shot. They won’t make it to the galaxy they were headed for. The best they can do is the Milky Way. Wily Kat calls it dinky. Panthro says the third planet from the sun has an atmosphere they could handle. Still, it’s light years away. They’d have to finish the trip in suspension. Jaga orders them into the capsules. He’ll get them to the blue planet. Panthro suggests robot pilot, but Jaga says no. It needs to be done manually as long as possible. Insert joke here. Jaga says the suspension capsules slow the aging process, but doesn’t stop it. Even if he slept, he wouldn’t live long enough to survive the journey. They all enter the capsules, except Lion-O. He wants a goodbye hug and cry. Time for a catnap as Jaga pilots the ship. He lasts until Jupiter, and is raptured out of his clothes. With autopilot active, the ship arrives on the blue planet. Breaking to pieces as it scrapes the ground, and falls off a mountain. 

  

Snarf is the first one awake, of course, and goes looking for Lion-O. He locates his capsule, and claws it open. Lion-O is all big and hunky now. One of his shoulder straps broke in his sleep, and his abs are showing too. It’s a wonder I turned out gay, and not a furry too. Woof! Er, meow! Snarf looks to the sky, and sees that the mutants have followed them. We won’t ask how. We’ll just say a wizard did it. The mutants teleport to the surface, and begin searching the wreckage. Lion-O watches as they find the capsules with the others in them. Miss thing ain’t having that. He charges the mutants, despite having no real fight training that we’ve seen so far. It’s ok, his abs will protect him. Oh, and Snarf, carrying the Sword of Omens. Lion-O catches it, and energy discharges from it. Phantom Jaga appears before him, and tells him that he holds the source of the Thundercats power. Sight beyond sight shows Lion-O the others in their capsules. Time to throw down. 

  

Thunder! Thunder! Thundercats, ho! Thundercat emblem in the sky. Tygra and the others open their eyes, as they glow yellow. The capsule lids pop off. Monkian says the Thundercats are loose. Sounds like a music cue. Damn I love being right. Thundercats are on the move. Thundercats are loose, and kicking ass. As Tyrga, Cheetara and the others fight, they notice Lion-O is part of the fray, and that he’s grown. Wily Kat, who didn’t grow, quips about height not being so great. Then he blows a monkey. With powder, you dirty birdies. Slithe has them teleport back to the ship. Lion-O says he’ll protect the eye from the mutants. Tygra comments what a fine figure of a Thundercat he’s turned out to be. Cheetara says he’s handsome. I think they’re gonna fight over him as the series progresses. At least that’s the backstory I’ll have in mind when I watch it. Although there was no Mumm-Ra, it was still a good premier. Hope you enjoyed the trip down memory lane. Until next time! 

  

She-Ra Princess of Power – Into Etheria

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By Joshie Jaxon 


As if He-Man weren’t enough to make a section of impressionable kids gay, there came a spinoff featuring a female protagonist. You know, to appeal to those who would grow up to admire strong women and fierce divas, as opposed to protein shakes, and weight sets. Don’t believe me? Just watch the intro. There’s a backlit She-Ra, a group shot with billowing hair in front of a rainbow, multicolored glitter streams coming from the sword, and She-Ra surrounded by sparkles. I wasn’t interested in girls, but I wanted to be that bitch. I think we all did. We may have wanted to bang He-Man, but we wanted to be She-Ra. On with the show! 

  

Castle Grayskull, the Sorceress’ chamber. How do we know it’s her? Because despite being in bed, she’s still wearing her eagle face diadem thing. She’s having a nightmare about Hordak holding a baby and stating that he may be defeated, but they’ll never see the child again. He fires a beam at the Sorceress and what appears to be a young Man at Arms. She wakes up, calling out “Adora”, as a sword that looks similar to Adam’s appears above her. She follows it to a door, that is opened when the sword hits it with energy. A glowing portal is there. After all this time. Can it be? 

  

In Randor’s castle, Adam and Cringer are in the kitchen. Adam is mixing something in a bowl. Cringer wants it now, but a work of art like Adam’s famous spiced bread takes time. His words, not mine. Totally straight. Nothing out of the ordinary here. That is, until the Sorceress talks to him via telepathy, and summons him before her. Looks like Man at Arms won’t get his spiced bread. He’s still holding a grudge from missing the Eternian white party during the last pilot. Women are always ruining his time with Adam. Getting to play with He-Man is only going to work another few dozen times before he gives up. If only he knew how to quit him. Has anyone made Brokeback Grayskull yet? Someone should. 

  

In front of the glowing portal of mystery, Adam questions where it leads. Sorceress doesn’t know. The door has never opened before. Yet she wants him to go through it, and find someone in the world it leads to. He’s snarky about it, and with good reason. Hard to take him seriously though, in a plunging v-neck pink tunic, but I digress. She can’t go herself, she’s powerless outside of Grayskull. The Sorceress uses her spirit fingers, and the sword materializes for Adam. Why, aside from the jewel, it looks just like his. Too bad she can’t tell him who he’s looking for. Sick of his sass, she tells him to stop asking questions. She can’t tell him anything until he finds the sword’s owner. The universe may depend on his success. Time for Adam to enter an unknown hole. Perhaps this one will lead to glory. 

  

They arrive in Etheria, and it’s brighter and more colorful than Eternia. Cringer is still hungry, so they head to a nearby village, and the Laughing Swan Inn. They have live music, and a full bar. A hooded figure in the corner asks his pink friend with rainbow colored ears, Kowl, if the stranger is part of the Horde. Adam and Cringer ask for food, and the barkeep is surprised Cringer can talk. Doesn’t everybody? Cringer orders fish, and when it arrives, he sucks it clean off the bone. He’s learned a thing or two peeking through Eternian keyholes. Three metal plated people come through the door, and Cringer hides. Adam doesn’t like the look of them. The hooded stranger says they’re Hordesmen, and readies his bow. Turns out his name is also Bow. Not Beau, Bow. Gotta keep it simple, they’re marketing to girls. Ah, the 80’s.

  

The Hordesmen tell the musician to keep playing. He does, but the song he’s playing isn’t to their liking. One uses his probe-looking device to cut the strings on the harp. The music maker calls him a wretch, and that’s a big no no. The Hordesman intimidates him, has him on his knees, and asks if the music maker knows what he’s going to do to him. That scene with Chris Meloni from Oz, comes to mind. Adam tells him to apologize. Bow says that the stranger is brave. Kowl says he’s stupid. The Hordesmen tells Adam he has a loose tongue. Eternian restroom rimming rumors shouldn’t have made it to Etheria. Must be the purple tights, and fur undies. 

  

As the Hordesmen attack, Adam takes care of one, while Bow uses his bow to take out the weapons of the other two. Adam is dressed modestly compared to Bow, who is essentially wearing shoulder pads with a heart on the chest, and attached cape. Gotta show off the arms and the abs. This is for straight girls, after all. Adam and Bow fight the Hordesmen while Kowl hides with Cringer. Bow says he’s not a citizen, he’s a rebel. Adam thanks him, and Bow says it was his pleasure. Adam is far enough from Eternia that I’m sure Man at Arms won’t get jealous. What happens on Etheria, stays in Etheria. 

  

The industrial city/castle of the Horde. Hordak is given a report of the trouncing that his three minions took. Shadow Weaver tells him that her dark magic has shown her that a stranger has appeared on Etheria. He brings the seed of doom for the Horde. Too bad her spells can no longer find him. Catra wonders if the stranger could have been the one that beat their troops. Hordak orders Force Captain Adora to him. He’s going to teach the stranger a lesson about messing with the evil Horde. He changes his arm into a cannon, and shoots an innocent nearby rock. You know, cause he’s evil. 

  

Looks like a version of Brokeback Grayskull was made after all. We see Bow and Adam on a horse, with the latter holding Bow’s waist. They’re in Whispering Woods, HQ of the rebellion. A guard jumps out , and scares Cringer up a tree. Kowl chastises him for scaring their allies. Bow orders him to go tell Glimmer that they have some new recruits. He then tells Adam of the great rebellion. Cringer comments that it doesn’t look that great. Kowl agrees. 

  

In the leader’s tent, Glimmer sees Adam for the first time, and gets all tongue tied. Outside, Sprag shouts that Madame is coming. We see a lady who looks a bit like Orko but with legs, flying in her broom. Bow and Sprag guess how many trees she’ll hit on her landing. Such good friends. Three it was. Madame Razz’s broom reminds her of the message she was supposed to deliver. Help me Bowie-Wan, you’re my only hope. Oops, wrong franchise. The whole village that Bow and Adam were in is under arrest. Bow offers to turn himself in to spare the village. Adam says there has to be another way. Razz says there’s a force captain, and four terrible villains there. They don’t stand a chance. Adam says he might have a friend who can help.

  

In the village, the people are being loaded into a slave ship. Glimmer says Razz can free them while the rest of them attack. Cringer looks ready to wet himself. What about Adam’s friend? Oh, he’ll be ready when it’s time. Meanwhile, Catra says this won’t work to draw out the rebels. Mantenna says they should have fun and destroy the village. Scorpia says SHE’d never let them. Leech says she shouldn’t be leading them. If she weren’t Hordak’s favorite… Adora shows up and tells them to be on guard. Catra purrs that they’re ready for anything. Careful what you wish for, sweetie.

  

Bow fires an arrow that becomes fireworks, and the rebellion attacks. Glimmer catches Scorpia in purple light. Mantenna uses his eye beams to hex the rebels. Catra lowers her tiara down to mask level and morphs into a panther. She goes after Glimmer, who blinks away for a second before reappearing. Too bad Leech grabs her, and drains her power. Bow to the rescue! Cause a show about a strong female lead needs to show that you still need a man to save you. Oops, spoke too soon. Catra pounces on Bow, and Scorpia threatens to use her pincers on him. 

  

By the power of Grayskull, he has the power! About damn time, Adam. Bitch needed a dramatic entrance. Bow is caught between Scorpia at his back, and Leech draining him from the front. Not like that! 80’s kids show, people. As Bow falls to the ground, Adora says that should take care of the rebels. He-Man tells them they haven’t won yet, and to let his friends go. Adora fires on him, and he knocks the blast away, and it hits Leech. Battlecat knocks the mask off Catra, and she reverts to human form. Scorpia goes after He-Man. He says she’s not very ladylike, or much of a lady anyway. He flings her into a melon cart. Battlecat chases Catra, and before he can help, Adora orders Mantenna to go after He-Man. He uses his hexing eye beams to weaken He-Man. Sprag hits him with pepper, and Mantenna sneezes himself into a wall. 

  

He-Man throws his sword at Adora, and knocks her gun away. Battlecat catches the sword. Adora flees, with He-Man chasing after her. Only time he’s pursued a girl in his life. She leads him into a hut and grabs a sword. He draws the sword the Sorceress have him, and breaks hers. The sword begins to glow. We see Adora’s face on the jewel. She’s the one! The one he’s been looking for! A Hordesmen blasts him from behind, and he goes down. Please don’t snap his neck after. Adora picks up the sword, as “to be continued” appears on the screen.