By Joshie Jaxon
As if He-Man weren’t enough to make a section of impressionable kids gay, there came a spinoff featuring a female protagonist. You know, to appeal to those who would grow up to admire strong women and fierce divas, as opposed to protein shakes, and weight sets. Don’t believe me? Just watch the intro. There’s a backlit She-Ra, a group shot with billowing hair in front of a rainbow, multicolored glitter streams coming from the sword, and She-Ra surrounded by sparkles. I wasn’t interested in girls, but I wanted to be that bitch. I think we all did. We may have wanted to bang He-Man, but we wanted to be She-Ra. On with the show!
Castle Grayskull, the Sorceress’ chamber. How do we know it’s her? Because despite being in bed, she’s still wearing her eagle face diadem thing. She’s having a nightmare about Hordak holding a baby and stating that he may be defeated, but they’ll never see the child again. He fires a beam at the Sorceress and what appears to be a young Man at Arms. She wakes up, calling out “Adora”, as a sword that looks similar to Adam’s appears above her. She follows it to a door, that is opened when the sword hits it with energy. A glowing portal is there. After all this time. Can it be?
In Randor’s castle, Adam and Cringer are in the kitchen. Adam is mixing something in a bowl. Cringer wants it now, but a work of art like Adam’s famous spiced bread takes time. His words, not mine. Totally straight. Nothing out of the ordinary here. That is, until the Sorceress talks to him via telepathy, and summons him before her. Looks like Man at Arms won’t get his spiced bread. He’s still holding a grudge from missing the Eternian white party during the last pilot. Women are always ruining his time with Adam. Getting to play with He-Man is only going to work another few dozen times before he gives up. If only he knew how to quit him. Has anyone made Brokeback Grayskull yet? Someone should.
In front of the glowing portal of mystery, Adam questions where it leads. Sorceress doesn’t know. The door has never opened before. Yet she wants him to go through it, and find someone in the world it leads to. He’s snarky about it, and with good reason. Hard to take him seriously though, in a plunging v-neck pink tunic, but I digress. She can’t go herself, she’s powerless outside of Grayskull. The Sorceress uses her spirit fingers, and the sword materializes for Adam. Why, aside from the jewel, it looks just like his. Too bad she can’t tell him who he’s looking for. Sick of his sass, she tells him to stop asking questions. She can’t tell him anything until he finds the sword’s owner. The universe may depend on his success. Time for Adam to enter an unknown hole. Perhaps this one will lead to glory.
They arrive in Etheria, and it’s brighter and more colorful than Eternia. Cringer is still hungry, so they head to a nearby village, and the Laughing Swan Inn. They have live music, and a full bar. A hooded figure in the corner asks his pink friend with rainbow colored ears, Kowl, if the stranger is part of the Horde. Adam and Cringer ask for food, and the barkeep is surprised Cringer can talk. Doesn’t everybody? Cringer orders fish, and when it arrives, he sucks it clean off the bone. He’s learned a thing or two peeking through Eternian keyholes. Three metal plated people come through the door, and Cringer hides. Adam doesn’t like the look of them. The hooded stranger says they’re Hordesmen, and readies his bow. Turns out his name is also Bow. Not Beau, Bow. Gotta keep it simple, they’re marketing to girls. Ah, the 80’s.
The Hordesmen tell the musician to keep playing. He does, but the song he’s playing isn’t to their liking. One uses his probe-looking device to cut the strings on the harp. The music maker calls him a wretch, and that’s a big no no. The Hordesman intimidates him, has him on his knees, and asks if the music maker knows what he’s going to do to him. That scene with Chris Meloni from Oz, comes to mind. Adam tells him to apologize. Bow says that the stranger is brave. Kowl says he’s stupid. The Hordesmen tells Adam he has a loose tongue. Eternian restroom rimming rumors shouldn’t have made it to Etheria. Must be the purple tights, and fur undies.
As the Hordesmen attack, Adam takes care of one, while Bow uses his bow to take out the weapons of the other two. Adam is dressed modestly compared to Bow, who is essentially wearing shoulder pads with a heart on the chest, and attached cape. Gotta show off the arms and the abs. This is for straight girls, after all. Adam and Bow fight the Hordesmen while Kowl hides with Cringer. Bow says he’s not a citizen, he’s a rebel. Adam thanks him, and Bow says it was his pleasure. Adam is far enough from Eternia that I’m sure Man at Arms won’t get jealous. What happens on Etheria, stays in Etheria.
The industrial city/castle of the Horde. Hordak is given a report of the trouncing that his three minions took. Shadow Weaver tells him that her dark magic has shown her that a stranger has appeared on Etheria. He brings the seed of doom for the Horde. Too bad her spells can no longer find him. Catra wonders if the stranger could have been the one that beat their troops. Hordak orders Force Captain Adora to him. He’s going to teach the stranger a lesson about messing with the evil Horde. He changes his arm into a cannon, and shoots an innocent nearby rock. You know, cause he’s evil.
Looks like a version of Brokeback Grayskull was made after all. We see Bow and Adam on a horse, with the latter holding Bow’s waist. They’re in Whispering Woods, HQ of the rebellion. A guard jumps out , and scares Cringer up a tree. Kowl chastises him for scaring their allies. Bow orders him to go tell Glimmer that they have some new recruits. He then tells Adam of the great rebellion. Cringer comments that it doesn’t look that great. Kowl agrees.
In the leader’s tent, Glimmer sees Adam for the first time, and gets all tongue tied. Outside, Sprag shouts that Madame is coming. We see a lady who looks a bit like Orko but with legs, flying in her broom. Bow and Sprag guess how many trees she’ll hit on her landing. Such good friends. Three it was. Madame Razz’s broom reminds her of the message she was supposed to deliver. Help me Bowie-Wan, you’re my only hope. Oops, wrong franchise. The whole village that Bow and Adam were in is under arrest. Bow offers to turn himself in to spare the village. Adam says there has to be another way. Razz says there’s a force captain, and four terrible villains there. They don’t stand a chance. Adam says he might have a friend who can help.
In the village, the people are being loaded into a slave ship. Glimmer says Razz can free them while the rest of them attack. Cringer looks ready to wet himself. What about Adam’s friend? Oh, he’ll be ready when it’s time. Meanwhile, Catra says this won’t work to draw out the rebels. Mantenna says they should have fun and destroy the village. Scorpia says SHE’d never let them. Leech says she shouldn’t be leading them. If she weren’t Hordak’s favorite… Adora shows up and tells them to be on guard. Catra purrs that they’re ready for anything. Careful what you wish for, sweetie.
Bow fires an arrow that becomes fireworks, and the rebellion attacks. Glimmer catches Scorpia in purple light. Mantenna uses his eye beams to hex the rebels. Catra lowers her tiara down to mask level and morphs into a panther. She goes after Glimmer, who blinks away for a second before reappearing. Too bad Leech grabs her, and drains her power. Bow to the rescue! Cause a show about a strong female lead needs to show that you still need a man to save you. Oops, spoke too soon. Catra pounces on Bow, and Scorpia threatens to use her pincers on him.
By the power of Grayskull, he has the power! About damn time, Adam. Bitch needed a dramatic entrance. Bow is caught between Scorpia at his back, and Leech draining him from the front. Not like that! 80’s kids show, people. As Bow falls to the ground, Adora says that should take care of the rebels. He-Man tells them they haven’t won yet, and to let his friends go. Adora fires on him, and he knocks the blast away, and it hits Leech. Battlecat knocks the mask off Catra, and she reverts to human form. Scorpia goes after He-Man. He says she’s not very ladylike, or much of a lady anyway. He flings her into a melon cart. Battlecat chases Catra, and before he can help, Adora orders Mantenna to go after He-Man. He uses his hexing eye beams to weaken He-Man. Sprag hits him with pepper, and Mantenna sneezes himself into a wall.
He-Man throws his sword at Adora, and knocks her gun away. Battlecat catches the sword. Adora flees, with He-Man chasing after her. Only time he’s pursued a girl in his life. She leads him into a hut and grabs a sword. He draws the sword the Sorceress have him, and breaks hers. The sword begins to glow. We see Adora’s face on the jewel. She’s the one! The one he’s been looking for! A Hordesmen blasts him from behind, and he goes down. Please don’t snap his neck after. Adora picks up the sword, as “to be continued” appears on the screen.