By Joshie Jaxon
Raise your hand if you’re old enough to remember the Legend of Zelda cartoon. Bueller? Bueller? How about the Super Mario Bros Super Show? Anyone? Now I feel old. More so because buzzfeed had an article showing today’s freshmen were born in 2000. They have no idea what either of the shows above are, or that they even existed. Luckily, I’m not only an entertainer, I’m an educator as well. If we don’t pass this information on, it will be lost to time like Song of the South. I’m not saying everything is good, but for accuracy, I’m including this sometimes painful cartoon. Excuuuuuse me, Princess. Let the geeks begin!
The opening sequence has Zelda showing Link the triforce of wisdom, while explaining that the evil wizard Ganon has the triforce of power. Whoever gets both will rule the land forever. Some of you may be asking, what about the triforce of courage? Didn’t exist back in ’89. Maybe it was an aquanet dream someone had. Maybe they eventually realized with a name like triforce, there should be three, three sided objects. Whatever the case, it’s more of a narrative than we get in the game itself, sans manual, of course. Link awakens to another beautiful day in Hyrule. He complains how boring it is. He used to roam the world, fighting monsters, and sleeping in mud. It was a hero’s life. Now he lives in the castle, and sleeps in a bed. Side note, Link sleeps in a nightshirt and nothing else. How do I know this? For starters, the slits on the outer thigh reveal flesh color, which translates to no undies. Anyhow, why does he even stay? He looks out over the balcony, and sees Zelda in her pajama dress. He whistles at her, and she gets offended. A fairy carries a robe out to her, and says she tried to warn her. The fairy waves at Link as he comments to himself about offending her royal prissiness. Meanwhile, moblins have gotten into Link’s room!
The moblins pull Link into the room. From the way he tries to kick, I swear we see his junk. I’m 99% sure of it. Link tells the moblins if they wanted to dance, they should’ve asked. He throws one into his bed, which causes his sword and pillow to fly towards him. Lookout ladies, now he’s got two swords. While trying to dodge a moblin, we get another flash of what can only be Link penis. Those animator’s were dirty, and I love them for it. Like any good slumber party, Link shouts “pillow fight”, and swings his at a moblin, getting feathers in it’s mouth. It’s the 80’s, so the villains are incompetent. They bumble around, and Link finally decides he’s done playing. He charges his sword, and it has the same sound effect as the original NES sword did when it fired a beam. Nerdgasm! He takes out the first two with ease, then holds to sword behind his head and hits the third. It drops a bone bow as a reward. He picks up his belt, opens the small pouch on the side, and shoves the bow into the hammer space that contains all of his goodies.
There’s a knock at the door, and Link says after saving the triforce, a hero should get his reward. He puckers his lips, and opens the door. Zelda slaps him, and tells him never to whistle at her again. He may never whistle again, period. She asks if he ever cleans his room. Well, excuuuuse me, Princess. Had he known she was coming, he’d have had the moblins sweep up before he zapped them. I’ve gotta say, having played nearly every single game in the franchise, this is the only version of Link where we know for sure that he’s straight, and into Zelda. I know it’s assumed in-game that he’s saving her cause he’s into her, but he’s just doing his job. It’s not like Mario and Peach, who occasionally kiss or have hearts around them. To the best of my memory, Link and Zelda have never shown romantic feelings for each other. Granted, that’s a subject for another time. Where was I? Oh yes. Link is laying a guilt trip about fighting off so many moblins, and getting slapped for it. Zelda apologizes, but he just makes her so mad. This was the third attempt by Ganon this month. She orders Link to stay in and guard the triforce. But, it’s such a nice day. Zelda pats his face as she leaves. She’s already late to judge the amateur magician contest. Um, then why is she still in her robe, yelling at Link, rather than tending to her duties? Bad princess!
Ganon’s underworld. He’s screaming and teleporting all over in anger at the moblin’s failure. They’re floating around in a giant glass jar of evil. I presume that’s where they get stored until he summons them later on. They apologize for their failure. He says they’ll be even sorrier. He blasts the jar with electrical looking magic, and they lose their moblin shape as they explode. If minions have souls, I believe they were just destroyed. Yikes! Ganon teleports to his throne long enough to give the old, if you want something done right, do it yourself, line. He teleports in front of the jar, and comments on the amateur magician contest in Hyrule, and he’s going to attend. The triforce of power can talk for some reason, and tells Ganon that he’s a pro. Ganon says they won’t know that. He slips a robe on over himself. Since his teleportation powers don’t work outside the underworld, he wants to travel in style. He summons a carrier, and four robe-clad stalfos to carry him. What a fierce diva.
Hyrule Castle, amateur magician contest. An old man is showing Zelda his growing spell. A tomato on the vine gets bigger and bigger before it bursts all over his and Zelda’s faces. There’s a joke in there somewhere, but since it wasn’t a white splatter, I’ll let this one slide. Laughter is heard from the courtyard. Who dares?! Ganon shows up and says his name isn’t important, but he wants to enter the contest. Zelda asks if he’s an amateur magician. He says he is, then conjures a bird out of thin air. That’s considered amateur in this world? Wow. Zelda tells him to wait his turn. Ganon takes his bird, and we hear the dungeon music from the NES game as he turns it into a keese. He orders it to the tower to see if anyone is guarding the triforce of wisdom. Um, he already knows where it is? After the moblin attack they didn’t find it a new home? How stupid are these people? Link asks Sprite, the fairy, how to get Zelda to like him. She calls her a snot, and says Link should get with her. He comments she’s only three inches high. What, he doesn’t like short girls? For that matter, what does a fairy that’s so small, want with a full grown Link? I know we’ve seen his junk, twice, but c’mon, it’s your size. Maybe she just wants to hug it. The keese reports to Ganon that Link is on guard duty. Ganon then uses his magic to transform a lizard into a gigantic, fire breathing, dragon. Amateur magician, my ass. Oh wait, no one saw him do it. These people need a reality check.
Link hears Zelda scream, and looks down from the tower to see the dragon. He then leaves the high vantage point of the the tower, that the dragon doesn’t know he’s in, to go fight it directly. He grabs a rope, cuts it, and swings down to land on the dragon, bouncing off it’s head, rather than doing something useful like say, stab it in the brain. Link’s shield materializes from hammer space without him pulling it from the pouch, which is good, cause he’d have been roasted. Now that he’s the dragon’s target, he can’t get a clear zap. If only he’d stayed in the freaking tower. Unless he has performance issue and can’t hit a giant target from that far away. Zelda grabs a metal dish, and throws it in the air. Link ricochets some blasts, and shrinks the dragon back to a lizard. The threat gone, Zelda asks what he’s doing. Saving her life, that’s all. He’s supposed to be guarding the triforce. Well excuuuuse me, Princess. Before he can finish, we hear Sprite scream. Powerful lungs for three inches high. Ganon is standing at the window that Link escaped through, which makes me wonder, if his teleport powers don’t work outside the underworld, how did he get up there? Ganon flicks Sprite into the wall, and picks up the triforce of wisdom. You’d think it’d be able to protect itself, at least a little. Especially as it too can talk, and tells him that evil doers always lose. Maybe it can cliche him into putting it back. He lands in his carriage and orders the stalfos to get them out of there.
Now, even though he’s mere steps ahead of them, Zelda and Link just stand there stating that he’s got the triforce, and is getting away. Link even says they’ll never catch him now. Really, bitch? Can jump from a tower for a dragon but can’t take off on foot? No wonder they had to create Epona. Zelda looks at some nuts, and picks the one she likes. She then tells the old man to use his growing spell. I know it’s 4 years too soon for this reference, but magic wand, make my monster grow! The nut becomes a sapling, and Zelda uses it to fling her and Link in Ganon’s direction. They overshoot him by a ways, and Zelda asks how they’re going to get down. Well, if you’d tried on foot, or even horseback, you wouldn’t have this problem, would you? The answer is easy, they fall. Link first, then Zelda falls on him. He says he saved her life again, and asks for a kiss. Stupid 80’s heroes. Game Link has never cared about kissing her, why did they write him this way? Ugh! Sorry. Where was I again? Ganon approaches, and orders his minions to hurry as there’s a secret entrance to the underworld ahead. Link decides to slow him down, and effectively gives him a flat by taking out his front passenger-side stalfos. Ganon goes flying, and drops the triforce. Link laughs at the measly three stalfos, handing Zelda the bow he got earlier from the moblin. Ganon calls for reinforcements as the underworld opens and more stalfos appear. Link orders Zelda to be back to back, and straps them together with his belt. Um, sure. Why not?
The battle starts and Link slashes at stalfos, as Zelda blasts them with energy bolts from the bow. Why they have to be belted together is beyond me. It makes no contextual sense at all. Neither of them has full range of motion, but that doesn’t seem to stop them from winning. Ganon gets frustrated and shows the remaining stalfos how to do it, by shadow boxing while still holding the triforce. Yes, seriously. The stalfos have Zelda three to one. If only Link could just turn around and slash or zap them with his sword. Oh well. Ganon throws a spiked bomb, and Link bends all the way over, and the stalfos holding Zelda are moved into it’s path and are destroyed. Zelda, while still upside down mind you, fires a blast at Ganon which causes his robe to catch on fire, and makes him drop the triforce. Wizard who can conjur bats, and make dragons is afraid of fire. I’m guessing he can’t make water to put it out. Well, maybe in his pants, but unless he whips it out and aims, that won’t help him. The remaining stalfos materializes a bomb from it’s chest. Oh no! Zelda is out of bolts! Link hits it in the air, then zaps the stalfos. Ganon runs to the entrance to the underworld, triforce in hand. Link swings like it’s baseball, and even though he’s beyond the underworld threshold and could teleport, Ganon gets hit by the bomb, and the triforce goes flying, landing in front of our heroes. Zelda is thrilled, and demands Link undo the belt. No. He wants a kiss first. I though Ganon was the pig on this show. Zelda agrees to a smooch, but before their lips touch, Sprite appears and ruins everything. She even releases them from the belt.
Back in the underworld, Ganon is floating in his giant glass container of souls. He says when he gets out of there, Zelda and Link are going to pay. Uh, he’s the one who conjures things out of the jar. He’s also IN the jar. How’s he supposed to get out? At this stage in the game series, he doesn’t have any allies, only servants. None of the minions are powerful enough to get him out. Granted, none of them are free either. I’ll leave you to ponder how he’ll escape. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing!