Category Archives: Cartoons

Easter Fever

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–by Joshie Jaxon
This little known gem from 1980 tells the tale of Jack the Easter Rabbit, and his upcoming retirement. The Friars Club is having a roast in his honor. Presenters include Steed Martin, Haro, Scrawny Chicken, Ratso the Rat, Santa, and Don Rattles. Yay! Animal name puns!

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Our opening number has Jack sitting in a giant Easter egg, being pulled by bunnies in bunny suits. There’s a reason for it. As Jack sings about how Easter has been good to him, the big bunny suits come off, to reveal sexy bunnies, that help him finish the number. A dirty old turtle tries to grab one, and his wife hits him.

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In the kitchen, we see an unnamed aardvark, that I’m going to call Artie, so I don’t have to keep typing aardvark. He can’t believe Jack is really there. The waiters are penguins, naturally, and one tells him that Jack is retiring. The chef, who I’ll name Billy, cause he’s a bull, tells Artie to get back to work.

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On the dais, Santa is up first. Santa is serving 70’s pimp realness, complete with gold chain, and open shirt or is it a jumpsuit? You decide. I’ll leave out the ho ho ho joke. Oops, it made it in after all. C’est la vie. My posts aren’t just entertaining, they’re classy too.

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We hear the story of how Jack was orphaned and was taken in by a pair of chickens. In an effort to please his adoptive parents, we see Jack attempt to crow, and it goes as well as you’d think. Christmas comes, and Jack’s parents leave a colored egg in his stocking. It falls out, and he has to go searching for it the next morning. Foreshadowing anyone?

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His friends ask what he got, and Jack says an egg. Ratso says that’s what he gets for living with chickens, calls him a “cluck cluck”. They tell him he needs to write Santa for what he wants. Jack sends Santa a thank you letter, calling him grade A all the way. Yay egg humor! Time passes, and spring arrives. As school gets out for Easter break, Ratso and the others say they hate Easter. Christmas is for kids, Easter is for grown ups.

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Deciding to give his classmates a reason to like Easter, Jack dresses like Santa, and sets off to deliver Easter presents. Side note, Jacks pretending to be Santa must be a thing. Can we say Skellington? Anyhow, Jack delivers colorful eggs to all his friends, and they’re happy to have found something fun to do on Easter. Santa finishes the story saying that’s how Easter became the kids’ second favorite holiday.

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Artie tries to tell Jack not to retire, but chef Billy tells him he’s got work in the kitchen, and to start kitchen up. Yay puns! Ratso is up this time. He mentions how he used to be a jealous, and Jack calls him a downright drag. Ratso starts to tell the tale of the year Jack wasn’t fit to deliver the eggs, and auditions were held. Several animals, tried but were unsuccessful.

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Meanwhile, Scarlett O’Hare is out running, and Jack goes gaga for her. She’s thinking bad romance, and wants nothing to do with him. As she continues her run, she crosses the line ahead of Ratso, and is given the honor of delivering the Easter eggs this year. He’s not having that.

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Ratso meets with a gang of rats, and tells them he was disqualified for being a rat, and rallies them to get the basket from Scarlett. While out delivering the eggs, we have a very West Side Story moment as the rats whistle and snap their way to her. She screams, and Jack gets up to track them down. There’s a shadow fight, and the rabbits are victorious. Back at the roast, Ratso says no hard feelings. Jack is fine, Easter has been good to him. We cut to Scarlett sitting with his parents.

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Scrawny Chicken then regales us with the story of the year of the great egg shortage. Jack had gone to the coop to get some eggs, and arrives in time to see the chickens being hauled off. As he tracks them down, via a trail of cracked eggs, he realizes who did it when he discovers eggs Benedict. It’s Madame Melegg, the tv chef. Hupcha hupcha, quick like a bunny!

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The chickens are in shackles as the Madame is singing about how she’ll be making an omelette with 2 million eggs. Before we go on, I’d like to point out that in addition to wanting to serve up some eggs, she’s serving up egg beater eleganza. They’re giant, and she uses them like skates. As we look at the big board, we see a grand total of one, and she asks her captives to give generously, or instead of an omelette, she’ll be making chicken pot pie!

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The eggs are flowing freely. Talk about a fear lay. Sorry. Jack arrives, and grabs number 2 million before it hits the pan and sets off the egg cracker, aka the Acme mallet. He has some nerve interrupting her show! He tells her he’s Chef Antoine, and asks where she learned to make eggs, Humpty Dumpty? He then asks if this is Roots, chicken style. Yes, he actually says that. It’s 1980, give him some slack. He convinces the Madame to let his people go. Yay, Easter humor! As the eggs are getting returned, the Madame offers him strawberry kisses as an hors d’oeuvre.

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His mustache comes off during the smooches, and the Madame is none too happy. She says Easter rabbit is a rare forbidden dish. All you need is small bit of railroad track, and a full head of steam. She charges at him like a locomotive, and last rites are performed over him. Odd thing for a cartoon, but again, it’s 1980. The 70’s had just ended. Worth mentioning, it’s a priest and a Rabbi. There’s another joke in there somewhere.

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Just before impact, he shouts that it’s time for a commercial. Being a pre-Food Network diva, she agrees. Gotta keep the sponsors happy. Jack uses her giant beaters in a demonstration, and throws several objects through them, the last of which is a girder, ruining them completely.

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Back at the roast, Scrawny says how she loves Jack, and kisses him. Don Rattles pulls Jack to the dais to have his say. Before he can, Don cuts him off saying they’re going over on time. It’s time for the big finale. The kitchen doors open, and there’s Artie. We see Billy tied up, and the giant egg shaped cake is left there. Artie brings Jack a lone Easter egg, telling him it will be the last one. Ever.

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No, there’s just can’t be a last Easter egg. Someone else can do it. Artie says that Jack is the Easter bunny, there is no one else. Everyone starts chanting “don’t quit”, and that’s all it takes to convince him not to. Once again, Jack says Easter has been good to him. Awww. That’s so much cuter than the movie about the guy who gets stoned on tablets with god. That’s how that movie ends, right? No? Oh well, maybe I’ll review it next year.

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-JJ

TMNT: Coming Out of Their Shells

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-by Bevianna Bones

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There are few things from my childhood that simultaneously were so endeared and so horrific at the same time as TMNT: Coming out of Their Shells. This was an amazing jammin rockin cassette that was put out by Mikey, Raph, Leo, and Don; and pimped out by Pizza Hut as a promotion. Because who else. It’s the turtles. There was even a song on the album, Pizza Power! No matter what challenges or problems life may hand us, just eat a slice of the “flying saucer food delight” and there isn’t anything these four ninja brothers aren’t ready to take on!!

Anyway, as far as I know, the only way you could get the cassette was to complete the Book It! Challenge at Pizza Hut. Basically, for every 5 books you read, you got a free Personal Pan Pizza, and after so many freebies earned you got the cassette. I could be wrong about this whole thing. It was 1988, and I was 8 years old.

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Or maybe it was 3.99 when you bought a pizza and my parents just told me that I had to read all those damned books. The details are a little fuzzy at this point. What I do know is that earning my turtles cassette was my life’s greatest achievement at that point. Even more than trying to earn my Enduro patch from Activision. That’s another story, but with this cassette in my possession I was the envy of all my classmates. Just one of the many times being a dork pages off in a big way for me. I listened to that album over and over until I practically wore it out. I loved it.

Imagine my bliss when many years later, I happened upon it on iTunes for a measly five dollars. I couldn’t resist. I had to have it. I still know all the songs by heart, and in truth I keep it in my playlist and listen to it at least once while I’m working graveyard. My newly rekindled romance of these four rockin turtles reminded of the rest of the story about this album, and this is where the horror comes in.

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Apparently, the turtles had gotten tired of taking down the foot and shredder and krang and decided to take their rock show on the road with, wait for it, you guessed it, a LIVE TOUR!!!! Thank the gods that technology has blessed us with YouTube, so that we all may relive the turtles’ message of peace and love through music. I emplor you to try and sit through all 93 glorious minutes. I can already see the quizitive look on all of your faces. Bevianna, you say, 93 minutes? I thought the album was only 30? And I say to you, yes, ninety-three minutes of what-the-fuckery stretching 30 minutes of turtle pun themed pizza advertisements into an hour and a half of your life you will never, I say, never get back. You have been warned.

The show opens and we see several equipment trucks and roadies coming in to set up the stage in that very early 80s vhs editing that oh so many music vids of the time used. And then again amazing vhs effects, we see a crowed venue and an empty stage. Then poof, and quick flash and the music starts and up out of the stage come the turtles decked out in quintessential 80s glamband rock attire. But no hair. After all they are turtles. To give them hairband hair would just be ridiculous. So Leo an Mickey are playing a flying v’s, and Don is on bass. Raph is on vocals. Although I have a memory of Raph on the keytar at some point. Oops, my bad, Don has the keytar, apparently they don’t know what the fuck is going on either. They can change instruments so quickly like that because they are ninjas.

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They open the show with “Out of Their Shells” so we all know that these are not the same turtles we once knew, and looking at them, they literally have no shells. They have come out of them. Next, after we had how totes radical and how much we all are loved, they decide to cut the talk and rock again!! Those instruments are amazing!!!! They love us!!! So let’s sing about it!! And hear much ancient wisdom from a very frightening Splinter. It’s Pizza Power bitches! Look at those moves, boy being a ninja really pays off when you are rocking out!!! There are even pizza delivery backup dancers.

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That is the power or pizza and music right there!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

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My apologies to the readers, but I just looked up at the screen and caught a glimpse of the dead eyes of what once was a mouse that didn’t make the cut for the Critter Parade at Chuck’e Cheese. We are treated to more Splinter wisdom and his one and only song, thankfully, Skipping Stones. But just as shit is about to get really deep, an ominous voice comes over and we see Baxter Stockman’s lab, and surprise, we are told of an ominous plan by Shredder. Who hates music!!! Ahahahaaha!! End quote. I be cranky too, let’s just say this guy’s costume budget was minimal.

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Splinter and the turts we so moved by the music, they are literally knocked out, when they wake up, they have no idea what’s going on. Neither does the audience. Enter April O’Neal. She tells us and all the mindless children that in fact, Shredder was indeed there. So we sing some more. And dance awesome some more. Imagine the résumés. Donatello has this special skill apparently.

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Cowabunga!!! Its time to go Tubin’!! Don’t quite understand that last transition, neither does anyone else. Surfin song, surfin stock footage, and dancin…alligators??…crocodiles??…sharks?? Im not really sure. You be the judge.

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These are really some retro reptiles!!!

NEWSFLASH!!!!!

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It’s April and she has breaking news that shredder is indeed there in that very building!!! The Turtles spring into action with an amazing RAP!!! The funky four really showed the shred up with that one! Cowabunga dudes!!! The rap really upset Shredder and he unleashes foot soilder and prepares his Deharmomic Discombobulated Disembowler (or something like that) that’s going to suck away all the music. Thank you shredder. And then more filler as the turtles do impressions to pass the time.

Foot soilders attack the turtles and the turtles fight back with ninja power and puns. “Go Turtles!!!” April cries out, the foot is defeated and shredder finally shows up to the party. And more puns. Shredder sucks away all the turtles pizza power and the turtles are forced to retreat. Shredder taunts the audience and makes the children cry. He gets all pervy with April and she is dragged away by the foot and then the worst of all, Shredder tells the audience that they are all trapped in the building until such time as he see’s fit for their release…the horror, the horror!!!

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We find ourselves in an intermission of sorts and we are treated to several whiney small children in their turtle garb, talking to an obviously overwhelmed “journalist” (the term is used very loosely here) reporting and recaping the “situation”. Dear gods, what is to happen to April and where did the turtles go off to?! The suspense is killing me.

The reporter takes plastic weapons from the children and heads down to the “sewer” to try and find help. This goes on for five minutes. He finally stumbles on the turtles and tells them Shredder took April and they go back and forth for a while, and basically figure out that no one knows where he took her or what’s going on. Seems that is our recurring theme. The “interview” with the turtles and their plan of “I don’t know, but we’re gonna do something” goes on for far too long. They decide to send the reporter off to look for Shredder after he calls them weenies.

Back on stage, Shredder is getting a bone from upsetting the children and calling them names. At this point, I have to reflect just how much filler is going to be left in the second “act” since I think there is only two actual songs left. Shredder taunts the children some more and becomes eventually either tired or irritated. I find I identity with the way Shredder is feeling. So like all bad guys, he likes to talk too much and reveals to us how his giant music sucking vibrator works. To show us as an example, since he hates music so much, he and the foot bust into their very own awful rap and breakdance. Look out electric boogalo! What a surprise treat, and a shame this baby isnt on the album. Maybe there is a special editon I don’t know about.

The turtles commicate to the crowd via vidcam satellite link, and reassure everyone that they have a plan. Sure would like to know what it is at this point, but as there is still thirty minutes left, I’m sure we have to wait a bit to find out. Shredder is agitated that the turtles are still alive and he and Baxter set off to destroy them. Leaving April alone on stage with some lackeys who start dissing the turtles for ditching everyone. April gets pissed they are talking smack on her boys and wait for it…I think it might be April’s big moment…yep, time for April Ballad.

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The song that makes you feel safe. Because that is the power of peace and love and music. A turtle is a friend, a friend to the end. That, or it’s the song that makes one question the nature of the relationship between her and the boys. Just like that, the turtles are back on stage, lured there by April and her beautiful music. The power of peace and love and music indeed. This bitch bagged a Broadway gig from this pizza powered performance. No lie. April’s got it going on.

Splinter notices she’s got it going so much that she’s draining the giant evil vibratdron of its power. Shredder tells April to stop singing and steals her voice ala Ursula. He’s not only stolen her voice, but as reports keep coming in to tell us, music from all over the world. This is so heinous, Baxter lets out maniacal laughter…it is working… IT IS WORKING!! This is the day the music died…bye, bye pizza pie.

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Shredder leaves and the turtles come back out. Seems that Donetello has fabricated some protection from the vibratronic pulses. They notice that the vibrator is powered off of their bad boogie and they bust out into another rockin jam!! Now because they have the protection, they can really stick it to the shredder at last! Finally!!

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Just as I got my hopes up that we were to the climax, it appears that the protective sheilds Donny made not only protect the bad boogie from coming in, it protects it from going out. Great lesson learned here kids.

Seems all this negativity is pulling the boys apart and we are about to have a turtle throwdown. Those shields didn’t keep out the bad boogie after all…another important lesson.

Splinter deduces that the only thing that can really hurt them is their own fear and that they need to follow the music in their hearts. Awww. Acapella turtle action. Not sure why April is mean mugging them, unless she was already up for that Broadway role at this point. April and the power of fierce facials! Let those shoulder pads do the acting for you!

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The music has brought the four ninja brothers back together. How precious. They made up with the power of music and peace and love. Splinter figures out if the audience helps sing along, Shredder and his vibratronic transducer will be defeated and all the music will be restored. We are so ready for this floor show! The turtles and the audience bust into the signature turtle song, Count on Us! Because we can always count on them! Lots of stage effect went into the flashing lights and shaking cameras on them. Shredder is forced to escape to the technodrome, but wait, the turtles foil that plan and send the shred to another dimension!! Tubular dudes!
Go ninja go ninja go!

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-BB

Smurfs – The Smurfette

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-by Joshie Jaxon

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I forgot that the Smurfs was like Garfield and Friends, in that it was done in a three segments per episode format. Rather than touch on all three segments, I’m going to focus on the most important one in Smurf Race Smurfstory; the introduction of Smurfette. Good luck, and don’t Smurf it up.

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Gargamel’s castle. He can hear happiness coming from the forest. He can’t stand it, it pains him. Azrael can feel it too. Or maybe it’s his tail that was shut in the window. Real responsible cat ownership there, Gargs. He rants at no one in particular that he needs to stop the Smurfs and their happiness. If only they had a weakness. Well, it’s a society of shirtless men that love to work hard and play hard. Oh! Let’s send them a girl. Way to know your enemy. They wouldn’t even know what to do with her. All they know is how to smurf in the smurf. It’s very Smurfback Mountain.

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Gargamel gets a lump of blue clay to make his lady smurf. Once again we get some 80’s sexism. To the cauldron he adds sugar and spice, but nothing nice. Crocodile tears, half a pack of lies, the chatter of a magpie, and the hardest stone for her heart. He is making an 80’s woman, after all.

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A group of smurfs is out looking for smurf berries. Vanity follows his mirror. Atta smurf. If you can’t smurf yourself, how in the smurf are you gonna smurf somebody else. Hefty hears crying, and follows it right to a busted Smurfette. Black hair, minimal lashes, simple white dress, flat shoes. Unacceptable, we wanna see heels, girl. You’re the first girl they’ve ever seen, and this is how you’re gonna win them over? Sashay, away. She asks Hefty if he likes what he sees. His reply, “I don’t know”, is perfect.

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Brainy tells Papa Smurf that Hefty found a Smurfette. He tells her that she’s allowed to stay, and is among friends. We go to her hut, with heart windows, getting a fresh coat of pink paint. Vanity must have given her his smurf me downs. Heart windows are so last season. Smurfette calls Gargamel on her compact, and he reminds her that he created her, and he can destroy her. She better work! Having not seen such a busted girl before, Clumsy smacks Brainy in the head. She decides a picnic would be best, and extends an invitation. It gets passed around the village, a sign of things to come, but right now, they’re all too busy to picnic with her. Except Jokey, who brings her a present that explodes in her face.

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Smurfette makes a cake and brings it to Greedy, who is working on the dam. She wants to see how it works, but he’s busy. That’s fine, she’ll take her cake to someone that will appreciate it. Greedy has her come back, and shows her the lever for the dam. She gets him to let out some water, a little pre-smurf if you will, and tries to stop him from closing it. The village of smurf loving smurfs must be cleansed with a flood. Smurfette falls into the water, and Papa & company save her while Greedy fixes the dam. Time for a trial!

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Smurfette confesses to working for Gargamel, and turns on the tears. It’s ok Roxxxy, they’re buying it. Shantay you stay. She wishes she could be a real Smurf. Papa says he won’t be able to undo all of what Gargamel did, but he’ll try. A touch of Venus, moonbeams, and essence of smurf root, should do it. On the main stage, Smurfette is severing up some fierceness this time. Proper nose contour, blonde hair, tailored dress, and heels. To celebrate their new queen they all go get her gifts. One says, “I smurfed her first”. Yeah, she says that to all of you. Jokey offers her another surprise, and Brainy warns her that it’ll kablooie right in her face. He’d know after all. They throw him out of the village, in the first appearance of his running gag.

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Smurfette gets another compact call from Gargamel who doesn’t like her makeover. He’ll teach those Smurfs to mess with his queen. He tells her that he will help her plan a party for all their kindness. She beckons from her window, and tells the Smurfs to head to the forest, and she’ll be along as soon as she picks the right dress. Meanwhile, old Gargs catches all of the villagers. He tells Azrael they will dine well tonight. Honey-covered Smurfs, or maybe Smurfs on a stick. Oooh, Smurf soup. Gargamel wants to eat the Smurfs. It bears repeating. Eat. The. Smurfs. Now, I’m sure Vanity can tell us the perks of eating Smurf, but I just don’t see it.

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Seeing her newfound friends in trouble, Smurfette has another costume change. Category is, hero eleganza. The Lone Smurf taunts Gargamel that he missed one. He and Azrael chase after her. She manages to free the men, leads Gargs up a tree, and gets him to fall out of it. The Smurfs celebrate his defeat, and decide to give him a taste of his own medicine.

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Cut to the castle, and a rather homely looking woman shows up at Gargamel’s door. She chases after him, and he flees from her desperation. The episode ends with a big party, and Grouchy Smurf saying he hates, no, he loves the Smurfette. That’s her title now, like the Cher or the Oprah. He just hates anyone to know about it. Careful, Smurfette, or you’re gonna need two smurfs in your smurf if you wanna feel anything when you’re getting smurfed.

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-JJ

Puff the Magic Dragon

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–by Joshie Jaxon

Jackie Draper, sits in a chair as three of the best psychiatrists in all of medicine, tell his parents that he cannot or will not speak, communicate, nor relate in any way with the world around him. His parents already know that. That’s not what they invited them to consult on. They basically tell the parents to keep Jackie warm and safe from danger. One of them says they can hope for a miracle, but the other two frown on that.

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Alright, before we continue, I wanna break this down. Jackie, who I assume is an introvert, and probably on the autism spectrum, doesn’t talk to those around him. Rather than leaving the kid to his devices, or trying, at least where we the audience can see, to find a level he can relate at, or engage him in something he’d enjoy, they just leave him to sit in solitude, since he can’t/won’t communicate at their perceived level of normal. We all on the same page here? Ok, back to the cartoon.

Jackie sits in his room, as Puff passes by. He tries talking to Jackie, and invites himself into his room. Puff takes the silence as permission to enter, like any good sexual predator. Having no van, Puff opens his bag to find Jackie some candy. Instead he pulls out a glass slipper, Alice’s mushroom, Peter’s shadow, gold spun from straw, a yellow brick, and then gets out construction paper and scissors. He draws up a picture of Jackie and cuts it out, dubbing it Jackie Paper. He then tells Jackie D, that he’s going to essentially borrow his soul for a while. Cause you know, that’s normal.

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Jackie Paper asks if he’s all better. Puff says he’ll be all better if he takes a journey with him, and really wishes he’d used his magic to conjure a van. Instead, we need to build a boat to get to Honalee. Puff has a bed there, after all. Sorry, but as an adult this looks really creepy. If Puff weren’t a dragon he’d be hanging out with Mr. Herbert asking the paper boy if he brought any good news today. There’s a snappy musical number as they move Jackie D’s body aside, and build a boat from all his things.

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As they sail, we hear lyrics from the original Peter, Paul and Mary song. When it mentions pirates, Jackie P gets scared. Kid, just wait until you get to the cave. Ok, I promise, I’ll stop with the Puff the Magic Pedophile jokes. For at least a paragraph. Puff tells him there is no turning back. Man I shouldn’t have made that promise a sentence ago. Damn. We meet the pirate, Very Long John. Yes, that’s his name. Girl is serving pirate realness with his black hat with skull accent, and peg leg. Remember this outfit, Visage will be reading it later.

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Puff shows Jackie that Very Long is nothing but a baker at heart. He asks our fancy pirate to make him a cherry pie. Taking a chance to not be judged, he fires up the oven and makes several pies for Puff and Jackie. They adore eating their words, but his pies are even better. We see Very Long had a costume change, and is now serving baker eleganza realness, complete with two regular legs. Wow, if Puff can make a second leg grow, imagine what he could do for a third. Either this cartoon is dirty, or I am. Maybe both.

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Puff and Jackie reach the sea of the starless sky. When Jackie asks why, Puff tells him it’s the clouds. They’re jealous of the stars that can fly higher than them, and like all small-spirited and stupid beings, they feel they can deny beauty by hiding it. Sound familiar? *cough republicans *cough. A star falls, and though it can’t talk, Jackie feels a connection to her. He has Puff paint wings on the boat, and flies up to return the star. She thanks him as she returns to the sky.

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Puff gives Jackie a medal for bravery, as they crash into a dark and nasty looking island. Puff says this is Honalee. Of course it is. Time to pay for the boat ride, kid. Last one, I swear. They discover the island has been overrun with creatures known as Living Sneezes. Jackie tells Puff to help, but he can’t. Performance issues. He wasn’t counting on an audience. Ok, THAT was the last one. Because the island is spoiled, so are Puff’s powers. He tells Jackie that he needs to go home, since he’s not afraid anymore. That’s great and all, Puff, but how is Paper supposed to return his soul to Draper without you, hmm?

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Lucky for Puff, Jackie didn’t listen. He brought Very Long with him. The pirate/baker says what the Living Sneezes need is his chicken soup. He then proceeds to ladle it all over them. I know it’s supposed to be soup, but it looks like something else. I won’t even go there. I’m just gonna put this picture right here.

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With the Sneezes cured, we enter another musical number. “Soup” continues to rain down on Honalee, and everything begins to return to it’s original state. Everyone joins in the song, and happy times are had by all. As the song ends, Puff and Jackie Paper are back in Jackie’s room. Puff tells him he doesn’t need him anymore, and that he’s ready to grow up. Kid too old for you now, Puff? Hey! I had one left after all. They hug, and Puff removes Paper’s soul, and puts it back in his original body.

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The parents come in, and Jackie talks to them. Since on Earth it’s only been I’d imagine minutes, or hours, the parents are happy, rather than stunned, that their kid is talking to them. Parental hug of celebrated normalcy. They can love him now that he’s “cured”. We end with Puff breaking the fourth wall, asking where our fancy stuff is.

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-JJ

Care Bears in the Land Without Feelings

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Care Bears in the Land Without Feelings
-by Joshie Jaxon

We open on a street in Anytown, USA. Donna is sad cause her bestie has to move. Kevin angrily kicks a ball around, proclaiming he won’t do it. He doesn’t care. Cause, childhood issues are all consuming. Forget mortgages, taxes, bills, etc. This is it. We pan up to see god, I mean the cloud keeper, watching from on high. He introduces us to Care-a-Lot.

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We get an upbeat song that tells us the Care Bears care about us. It also allows them to share the fact that their personalities are based off their names. Funshine spreads a little sunshine. There’s Grumpy Bear for when you feel blue. *pause Hold up, there’s a bear for when you’re sad, even though the Care Bears primary job is to cheer you up and show they care? Alright, I’ll play along. *unpause

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Back in Care-a-Lot, Kevin’s bitching is so loud and continuous, that it draws the bears attention. They squabble over who will go help, and Tenderheart & Friend Bear win. The go to Earth in their cloud car, and try to tell the little brat, I mean troubled child, that he’ll always have a friend with them. Who cares? Not Kevin. He doesn’t care about anything. I’m finding it hard to sympathize with this kid. Realizing what a hot mess Kevin is, Tenderheart says they’re gonna need some help. They hop into the air, and their cloud car forms around them. Remember that, it’ll be relevant later.

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Hall of Hearts. All the bears decide to help. They figure if Kevin sees all his new friends, he’ll cheer up. Cause all angsty boys want is colorful bears. Well, I did. I still have three Cheer Bears from over the years. Alright, I withdraw that last bit of snark. Donna tells the group Kevin ran away, cause of course he did. There’s no verbal or logic skills in place yet. Poor Kevin. Life is gonna eat you alive.

The godly cloud keeper tells us Kevin is wandering out of his neighborhood. Oh no! He wanders near a park that happens to have a talking fountain outside. Apparently this version of Earth has talking inanimate objects in it. I checked. No involvement by Disney. The fountain doesn’t care what Kevin does, and I’m inclined to agree with it. Kevin doesn’t listen, and goes into the park. He bitches his way through the whole thing, and winds up in a mysterious land. Someone’s been listening to him. It’s called everyone. Shut up, Kevin!

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Coldheart Castle. We see the heartless Professor Coldheart. He listens to Kevin’s yammering, and likes it. He has his bipedal frog-like minions get his car, and he follows the sound of Kevin’s self-absorption. Kevin asks about the minions, to which the Professor says they could be his friends, but he doesn’t care about them, so they’re not.

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We get a snappy musical number telling us all about Prof Frosty Britches. He offers Kevin a ride, and sets him on his lap. I’m getting mixed feelings about which lesson exactly we’re supposed to be learning here. I’m thinking there should be some stranger danger involved, but Kevin can’t get past himself to realize he’s in trouble, and off they go.

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The Care Bears reach the park, and the fountain doesn’t care what happened to Kevin, but points them in the direction he traveled. The Bears ask the rocks, trees, and flowers about Kevin. They don’t like little boys, or little bears either. Donna tells the tale of a land ruined by a dark man, that became The Land Without Feelings. The Bears can fix that, with an upbeat musical number.  A verse or two in and everything remembers about the feelings they used to have, and tell the group what happens when children meet the Professor.

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At Coldheart Castle, the Professor offers Kevin a drink, that looks like a fizzy green beer. Time to grow up, Kevin! Today, you become a man. Mazal Tov! That would be pretty dark for 1983. Luckily, Kevin only turns into one of the frog minions, as the professor calls him a slave. In the park, the tree says that the children are never seen or heard from again. A pack of bears split off to go find Kevin, leaving Donna to state that she hopes the professor doesn’t know they’re coming.

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Very next scene, telescopic POV view of the park exit with none other than Coldheart watching. He comments on the Bears’ cuteness, then breaks the fourth wall to say, “disgusting, isn’t it?” Yes, professor. Yes, it is. Our fuzzy wuzzies start to make their way through Coldheart’s kingdom, using their special tummy powers; Including, but not limited to, heart shaped lily pads, a rainbow bridge, a heart balloon, and heart spikes to scale the walls. Why they didn’t just summon their cloud cars to avoid the terrain is beyond me. Seriously, I can’t think of a single reason they didn’t use what was at their disposal for traveling great distances. Oh well.

Conveniently, the professor has defenses for each one of them. I do love a well prepared villain. The one thing he wasn’t prepared for was Wish Bear. She wishes all of them to the castle. If only they’d let her do that at the beginning, but they didn’t. If only she’d wished Kevin wasn’t such a snot, but he was. Hey, even Care Bear magic has limits. It does manage to teleport them all to the castle. Time for a showdown! Tenderheart tells Coldheart that he needs a lesson in caring. It’s time for, cue epic music, the Care Bear Stare! Rainbow love, stars, flowers, and clovers change all of the frogs back into children. Kevin, finally realizing things can always be worse, hugs Donna, as the professor slinks away.

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-JJ

Strawberry Shortcake

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-by Joshie Jaxon

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Morning in Berry Land. Shortcake wakes up her own alarm clock, and tries to wake her cat, Custard, and he ain’t having it. She tells him he needs a Smile that’s worthy of a cloud, and we enter a musical number as we wander Berry Land waking up the birds and bunnies.

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Watching this, I notice that Shortcake is the size of a strawberry, but we’ll touch on that more in a bit. The sun tells us that the Peculiar Purple Pie Man, of Porcupine Peak is watching her from his magic pie tin. He sends his berry birds after her to go get berries for his pies. Cause if you’re a pie man, you’ve gotta have berries for your pies. Pudding, fruit, or custard just won’t do.

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The birds attack, and our title character is defended by the whomping willow, that hadn’t yet been cast in Harry Potter. She calls him her official scarecrow. His evil (?) plan thwarted, the Pie Man cries, and vows to get those berries. Then he states his full title, and does a little dance, ending in jazz hands. No, seriously. The only thing peculiar about this guy, aside from being the the only adult around, is that he seems a little light in the loafers. C’mon, affinity for purple, loves baking, breaks out into song and dance, gurl.

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Moving on. Huckleberry Pie is loafing again. Doesn’t he know it’s Shortcake’s birthday? Bitch needs to plan a party. Off to Blueberry Muffin’s! She’s a space cadet. We need Plum Pudding for this. He’s the smart one, you know. He’s got a chalkboard with numbers on it and everything. He concludes that it should be a surprise party, but they need to get Raspberry Tart.

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She says that Shortcake is 7 if she’s a day, and is chastised by our loafer, Huckleberry not to say what she thinks, until she thinks about it a little more. Cause, ya know, she’s a girl and all. There’s a baby, Apple Dumpling. Um, they’re all kids, and the only grown up is a purple queen. Where’d this kid come from? Hashtag Mysteries of Berry Land.

Shortcake wants to have lunch with her friends, but they all make bad puns about why they can’t, including this gem; “I plum forgot”. In reality, they’re all meeting to discuss her party and gift. Huckleberry’s bug, Lucky, is sent to spy on her.

The Pie Man is in an older male drag, and serving dildo nose realness. Um, Shortcake is smaller than a book of matches. What ARE these kids?? Sorry. Moving on. He opens his coat to reveal his big, selection of watering cans. No flashing the minor today. He offers her a discount on his magic can, but she can’t afford that, and walks away sad. Lucky bug springs into action, and tells the peddler to go to the park. Shortcake’s friends buy the can, and he ominously says they won’t regret it. *Record scratch. Hold up, he was just paid in money. Can’t old Purple P just, I dunno, BUY some berries?

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Shortcake is in a field, angstily wondering why no one likes her anymore. Boo hoo. I eat lunch alone all the time. It’s nothing to cry over. Or maybe it is. I should look at my life, but that comes later. The Sun ain’t having that. He sends Prima Strawberina to the park and her party. She’s so surprised. You like me, you really like me. Wait, that was Sally Field, not a berry field, anyhow, Raspberry Tart asks Shortcake if she’s a little old for such things. If Tart wasn’t the inspiration for Robot Chicken’s Bitch Pudding, I’d be surprised.

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The magic watering can sprinkles, then starts gushing water. They try to stop it and plug it, but nothing works, not even a berry! Gasp! He really wanted those kids soaked. Oh no! It’s flooding Berry Land. The kids announce Lord Purple Pants by his full title, and of course he has to dance and pose. He says he’ll stop the water in exchange for all the berries. They reluctantly agree, and along with all the berries, he gets Apple Dumpling. These kids just can’t win.

Shortcake is sad, and once again, the Sun, who let this all go down, by the way, says he can give her a gift. She tells him a gift won’t help, but this is a special gift. It’s a wish. She’s always had the power to return to Kansas, oops, wrong show. She wishes real hard for an army of whomping willows, and the wood rises for her.

Pie man, defeated, agrees to give back the berries. She tells him he can bring his pies to market, and they can all be friends. Cause every girl needs a GBF, right? Shortcake says they can have a berry grand time. He comments on her berry-speak. This leads to our final musical number with numerous examples of where to use “berry” instead of “very”. The highlight of this number is Purple Pants saying his mouth won’t do what it’s told. I seriously doubt that, girl. Then again, no Berry Grindr for hookups, or even another adult male for that matter, he’s just never had any practice. The song ends with everyone in a lineup as friends, cause, you know, the 80’s.

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-JJ