-by Joshie Jaxon

The first appearance of Woody Woodpecker was back in November 1940. 75 years is a long time for a ‘pecker to be active, and he’s doing it nicely. His original voice was the legendary Mel Blanc, of Looney Tunes fame. During his debut, Woody wasn’t the star, it was actually an Andy Panda serial that allowed us to see Woody’s nuts. Yes, I plan on making genital jokes. Yes, I know it’s low hanging fruit. Yes, I know that was another one. On with the cartoon.

We open with little Andy asking his dad if you can really catch a bird by putting salt on it’s tail. Ever the devoted father, Papa Panda tells Andy that he’s busy. We get a shot of the desk, and see the racing form he’s looking over. Today’s entries –
1- Eczema … Scratch this one
2- Bustle … Will bring up the rear
3- Opium … This is a dope
4- Noon Hour … Twelve to one
I didn’t make those up, but damn if I don’t love a good pun.

We hear knocking, and Papa checks the door, but there’s no one there. Knock, check, repeat. Knock, check, repeat. Growing increasingly frustrated, Papa rips the door of it’s hinges, and sets it inside. The knocking continues, and Papa breaks the door into pieces. Smart little Andy tells him it’s that woodpecker again, and points at the roof, where we see the tip of the pecker’s pecker coming through the ceiling. Papa turns positively purple, and goes up to get his hands on that thrusting Woody. Woody pokes his head through the glory hole he just made and says, “Guess who?”. Girl, it’s supposed to be anonymous.

Papa heads up to the roof, as Woody hops around continuing to peck at it. Andy climbs up the ladder, bringing a shotgun to his anger management issues father. Being so full of rage, Papa has a precarious performance issue, and can’t get his gun to fire. It’s alright, Papa, I hear it happens to a lot of guys. Brain trust that he is, Papa looks into the barrel of the allegedly loaded shotgun, as Woody takes it from him and gets it to fire on the first try. Ah, youth.

Andy decides to take a turn, and goes after Woody with a salt shaker. Kid, you can’t just a-salt him. Cue groan from reader, and moving on. Woody grows massive, and starts dripping with, let’s go with rage. He tells Andy the last one that tried to get him from behind was torn limb from limb. Alright, we get it, Woody, you’re a top. Calm down.

Papa sends a lady bird looking time bomb after Woody, and he goes gaga for it. It kisses him, then he flies off in classic toon fashion, drilling holes through trees and poles, before coming back to kiss on his new sex toy some more. This time when he does, he’s not the only one who goes off. He cries at the pieces of his fallen love, saying he’s been betrayed.

Andy tries to a-salt him again, but Woody puts a beer under the shaker, it gets a head, and he blows the foam in Andy’s face. Yes, seriously. In 1940 a cartoon character got head, and blew it in a kid’s face. Still feeling nostalgia for the good ol’ days?

Woody lands on Papa, and starts pecking his head. Papa quickly covers him with his hat, declaring that he’s got him. Woody breaks through the hat like an expired prophylactic, and tells Papa to hold on tight. Woody takes off, and carries them through the air. Andy gets the shotgun, and shoots his father in the ass. Incest in the morning! Repressed memories! 97.1! Sorry, had to. Papa and Woody crash through the roof, and this time when Andy a-salts Woody he gets him good.

Woody doesn’t seems to mind, that is of course until he realizes he can’t run away. He panics, and tries in vain to escape. Driven mad by the experience we hear the sound of the ever-vigilant psych ward, which arrive to take Woody away. They tell Papa that confidentially, this guy (Woody) is nuts. They know his whole family, and they’re all crazy. Why, take them for instance. The two then start laughing like Woody, and bouncing around the screen. Credits

-JJ