By Joshie Jaxon
I’d like to start off by saying that I am all for feminism, girl power, and all that. That being said, I never followed Sailor Moon like I did other series. Don’t get me wrong, I love chicks who kick ass, but even in mainstream anime, they’re less likely to have their shirts off than say, Goku and company. As a gay man, I’m not afraid to admit that a little eye candy, even animated eye candy, makes a show better. Straight guys think so too. The Robot Chicken Sailor Moon bit is hilarious, and illustrates my point. On with the show!
Usagi introduces herself via voiceover. I remember her being Serena, but the DVD says Usagi, so that’s what I’m going with. We learn that she’s fourteen, in middle school, a bit of a klutz, and can be a little emotional. At that age, who isn’t? Her mom shouts at her to get up. She checks the time and freaks out. Usagi brushes her teeth while asking her mom why she didn’t wake her sooner. Well, because you’re a teenage girl and told her to go away when she tried. Thanks, mom. Category is – school girl realness. Not only is Usagi serving up epic bunned pigtails, white long sleeve top with red bow, blue skirt, and sensible flats, she also has an I hate mornings attitude. Right there with you, girl.
On her way to school, she sees some little kids harassing a cat, which is never cool. Usagi chases them away, and assesses the damage. It’s very minimal, but they did put a bandage on it’s head. Usagi removes it, and sees a crescent moon shape on it’s forehead, which she mistakes as a bald spot. Kitty jumps on her head, then to a nearby car. Usagi hears the school bell, knows she’s late, freaks out again, and takes off.
When she gets to school, the teacher is reaming her about being late. Hey, it’s not her fault everyone else makes it on time. It’s exactly that sort of attitude that explains why she’s failing. The teacher holds up a test with a big red 30 on it. Later, on the grounds, Usagi’s friend, Naru, is asking why she doesn’t have more self control. Their friend Umino approaches and asks how she did on the test. Clearly Usagi is upset, so she did bad. No worse than usual though. No T no shade. Gotta love friends. Umino slacked off too, so he only got a 95. Gasp! Naru changes the subject. Did you hear about Sailor V making another appearance last night? She caught a jewel thief. The girls love jewelry so much, they could understand wanting to steal it. As they go on about diamonds and rubies, Umino checks out. There’s a sale at Naru’s mother’s jewelry store. They’re going after school.
The Dark Kingdom. Queen Beryl makes dramatic hand gestures around a sphere, while asking if the silver crystal has been found yet. A resounding No comes from nowhere in particular. The queen says the great ruler is still in dire need of energy. Until the silver crystal is found, they’ll use human energy instead. Jadeite appears in blue flames, and says he’ll take care of getting energy for the ruler. He’s got a monster, Morga, already working on it. Queen Beryl approves.
At the jewelry store, there are wall to wall ladies who all love a good bargain. We hear the owner thanking everyone for coming in, and reminding them that everything is on sale. She smiles and thinks to herself, foolish humans. As they wear the jewels, it will drain their energy for the great ruler. We see Jadeite standing in darkness with his hand out, collecting the energy into a sphere. He instructs Morga to continue. Gladly. Usagi and Naru arrive, and her “mom” offers her an extra discount; 500,000 yen down to 30,000. If only Usagi hadn’t failed her test. If only she hadn’t spent her allowance. If only she’d studied more. She gets mad at the test, crumples it, and throws it. It hits a man, who calls her bun-head. He sees her score, and she gets upset. She grabs the test back and storms off.
Along the way, Usagi passes the arcade. Seems Sailor V has already been made into a game. She wonders how awesome it would be to be V. No tests, and kicking bad guy butt. Compared to that she’s nothing. She stands there a moment and cries about it. Seriously. What she doesn’t realize during her water works, is that the cat she saved that morning is watching her. The cat says that’s she’s finally found her. Talking cat? Alright, I’ll go with it. Stranger things have, and will continue to happen. Usagi gets home, and shows her mom the test. Her mom is so upset at the score, that she forces Usagi out of the house like a bad dog. Her brother shows up, kicks her in the butt, and asks what she did this time. Instead of Usagi, it sounds like her name should be Meg.
Back at the jewelry store, all the customers are getting weak and dizzy, and begin passing out. Uh oh! Naru wonders what they should do, but her mom says this should be enough energy for now. In Usagi’s room, she’s finally allowed in the house to rest. She’s lying down, wondering why moms care about grades in the first place. The window opens, and a cat-shaped silhouette can be seen. When the window closes, Usagi wakes and sees the cat with the bald spot. The cat tells her not to be rude. For the umpteenth time today, Usagi freaks out. The cat introduces itself as Luna and thanks her for removing the bandage earlier, as it inhibited her powers and ability to talk. Usagi pretends to sleep. Luna tells her this isn’t a dream.
In an effort to prove it isn’t a dream, Luna presents her with a gold medallion, and loses Usagi to her teenage girl love of sparkly things. Luna says that Usagi is the chosen guardian for this mission. She needs to find the other guardians and their princess. Um, the galaxy already has guardians. I’ll take Peter Quill any day. Oh Starlord my Starlord. Sorry. Guess I’m no better than Usagi. Luna knows that Usagi doesn’t believe her, but still has her repeat the magic words, moon prism power, make up! Time for the makeover challenge. Category is, teenage superhero eleganza. Form fitting white top, with red bow and attached blue mini skirt, elbow length white gloves, knee high red boots, red orbs in her hair buns, and a tiara. Usagi isn’t gonna lip sync for her life tonight.
Her bun orbs start to glow, and she can her Naru’s voice. Luna asks if she believes her now. She tells Usagi that she is now Sailor Moon, and to go help her friend. In the jewelry store, Naru is being choked. Morga says she’ll kill her and her mom and send them to the land of the dead. Not on Usagi’s watch. She is the pretty guardian, who fights for love and for justice. She is Sailor Moon, and in the name of the moon, she will punish you. That’s right, in the name of the moon. You know, the one we love so much we named it “moon”. I’m sure Titan, Mimas, and the others make fun of our little nameless moon.
Morga commands all of her victims to rise, and attack Sailor Moon. Swarms of jewel clad shoppers go after her. One even tries to cut her with a broken bottle. She skins her knee, and starts to whine about why this is happening to her. She doesn’t wanna fight. Let’s go to the tape. Yep, she said she fights for love and justice. Verbal contract. Get fighting. She starts crying that she wants to go home now. There’s no crying in teenage superhero monster fights! Someone back me up here. A rose is flung at Sailor Moon’s feet, and Tuxedo Mask says crying won’t solve her problems. Thank you!
Too bad she can’t help it. The crying starts again, and tears flow. For some reason, this time it breaks the spell on the shoppers. Luna tells her to throw her tiara and yell, moon tiara action! She asks why, and Luna snaps at her to just do it. Now, despite having just been crying, and not knowing why she’s gonna do what she’s doing, this is anime, and we have stock footage to use. She executes all her poses flawlessly. Work! Turn to the left! Work! Now turn to the right! Work! Cover girl! Sashay! Shante! The tiara hits Morga and turns her to dust. The energy sphere that Jadeite had been gathering, dissipates. It’s so hard to find good henchmen these days.
Tuxedo Mask tells Sailor Moon he won’t forget what he saw tonight. Luna starts to praise her too, but Sailor Moon is already fan-girling about how cute Tuxedo Mask is. I certainly wouldn’t Character Crush on him, but you go girl. The next day at school, Naru is saying she had a dream about Sailor Moon rescuing her. Two other classmates say they had the same dream. What about you, Usagi? Usagi? She’s too busy sleeping. Nighty night!