Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas! 

By Joshie Jaxon  

Greetings, geek fans! It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Free STD checks at the clinic! Kidding! Those were last month. Anyhow, the time for holiday specials is upon us. Despite the busy hours a day job requires, I’m determined to bring you more than one post this month. If I don’t, Santa won’t let me go down his- never mind. This is a special that almost everyone should know. Unless you’ve been living under The Rock, in which case, you’re excused because, gurl. Yeah. I love this one, and though I normally watch things once before going back to review them, I’m confident I can do this on the initial viewing. Wonder what I’ll come up with while I’ve got my Gay Geek Goggles on. Available on Amazon. Only they’re not, cause this is a labor of love, not a paying gig. I’m not bitter, that’s the meds wearing off. Let the geeks begin! 

This is a Chuck Jones cartoon. He’s a legend in Looney Tunes land. You can already tell this is gonna be good. Like when you see the Trojan logo on your cond- um, where was I? Yes, the cartoon. Pan past a mountain as the snow falls. The song starts in the background, and I need captions cause Seuss made up some fun words that I just can’t spell. Fah who for-aze, dah who dor-aze. Welcome Christmas, bring your light. Fah who for-aze, dah who dor-aze. Welcome in the cold, dark night. As the Whos sing, hand in hand, they pick a tree, and topple it to take back to Who-ville. Welcome Christmas, fah who rah-moose. Welcome Christmas dah who dah-moose. Welcome Christmas, while we stand, heart-to-heart and hand in hand. Warm fuzzies as the Whos raise the tree in the center of town. There’s a song sung about decorating, which I will share with you in a moment. I’d like to point out that based on the song, it’s Christmas Eve, and the entire town is getting ready for the holiday. That’s a day away. As in tomorrow. I’ve never understood the decorate the day before people. Even if you don’t want to deal with it for a month, at least let yourself have it up for a week. Having things up is a good thing. I remember this one time, when- what? Fine, back to the song. Your loss. It was a good story. A man triumphed over impotence, and- alright already! Sheesh! 

Trim up the tree with Christmas stuff like bingle balls, and whofoo fluff. Trim up the tree with goowho gums, and bizilbix and wums. Trim every blessed window and trim every blessed door. Hang up whoboohoo bricks, then run out and get some more. Hang pantookas on the ceiling. Pile pampoonas on the floor. Trim every needle on the blessed Christmas tree. Christmas comes tomorrow. Trim you. Trim me. Trim up the tree with fuzzle fuzz, and bliffer bloofs, and wuzzle wuzz. Trim up your uncle and your aunt with yard of whofut flant. Alright, first off, there are a lot of blessed things in Whoville. Second, I’m not gonna trim every needle on a tree. Someone needs to explain “taste” to the Whos. Third, if your pampoona is piled on the floor, you should see the gyno, stat! And finally, if I haven’t tainted your memories yet, I’m just getting warmed up. We’re about to meet the star of our show. 

While the Whos are all scrambling to get Aunt Harriet’s pampoona off the floor, we pan out of Whoville and up the mountain. The Whos like Christmas a lot, but the Grinch, did not! The Grinch hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season. Don’t ask why, no one quite knows the reason. It could be that his shoes were too tight. Or perhaps that his head wasn’t screwed on just right. Maybe he’s worked retail all his life. Maybe he’s Jewish, and doesn’t need a holiday shoved down his throat. Or he’s Pagan and doesn’t like his things appropriated. Er, sorry, I got off Karloff there. And while I’m on the subject, how great is Boris? He’s a great narrator. His theory on the Grinch was that his heart was two sizes too small. Whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes, he stood there on Christmas Eve hating the Whos. As he stands there hating them, his dog, Max, comes out and looks down at Whoville with him. 

The Grinch picks Max up by the scruff of his neck, and starts talking. They’re hanging their stockings! Tomorrow is Christmas! It’s practically here! I must find some way to stop Christmas from coming. Well, maybe if you edge it a while, you could stop it from- what? That’s not what he meant? You’re sure? But he said- Fine. The Grinch knows that all the Who girl and boys will wake bright and early. They’ll rush for their toys. And then, oh, the noise! Oh, the noise, noise, noise! There’s one thing he hates it’s all the noise! Their shrieks, squeaks, and squeals racing round on their wheels. They’ll dance with jing-tinglers tied on to their heels. I thought you attacked the jing-tingler to your- you know, I’ll let that one go on my own. They’ll blow their floo-floobers, they’ll bang their tah-tinkers. They’ll blow their hoo-hoobers, they’ll bang their gah-dinkers. Ok, none of those sound like child appropriate activities. Is it just me? Oh. It is. Moving on. They’ll beat their trum-tookers, they’ll slam their sloo-slonkers. Actually, you can’t slam a sloo-slonker, their knockers can only handle so much pressure. They’ll beat their blum-blookers, they’ll wham their woo-workers. You shouldn’t wham your woo-wonker. I mean, unless you’re into that sort of thing. Personally, I treat mine with the reverence it deserves. The Grinch goes on to say that after they feast, and Who-pudding, and rare Who-roast-beast, that they’ll do do something he hates most of all. All the Whos down in Whoville, the tall and the small with do a most unpleasant thing, they’ll stand hand in hand, and sing! Cue the Fah who for-aze, dah who dor-aze reprise. Stick with me, people. We’re only seven minutes in. 

The more the Grinch thought of the Who-Christmas-Sing, the more he thought he must stop the whole thing. He’s been putting up with it for fifty-three years. He’s earned a little peace and quiet. Max comes out of the snow with a mock hat and bears on, and the Grinch gets an idea. An awful idea. A wonderful awful idea. He’ll make a quick Santy Claus hat and coat. The Grinch takes scissors to his curtains, like he’s Giselle in Manhattan or something, and You’re a Mean One Mr. Grinch starts up. Before I get into the awesome lyrics of the song itself, he spends the time using Max as his dressing dummy to make his outfit. Then to run his sewing machine, which catches Max’s tail.

You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch. You really are a heel. You’re as cuddly as a cactus, you’re as charming as an eel, Mr. Grinch. You’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel. You’re a monster, Mr. Grinch. Your heart’s an empty hole. Your brain is full of spiders, you’ve got garlic in your soul, Mr. Grinch. I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty-nine and a half foot pole! 

 

The Grinch admires his look in the mirror. Now he just needs a reindeer. Reindeer being scarce in the Land of Who, he decides he’ll just make one. Seeing where this is going, Max hides under the bed. The Grinch gets him out, and uses black thread, to attach a big horn to the top of his head. It topples Max over. He’s too horn-y. That one wrote itself. The Grinch removes some of the bulk from the horn, and Max is able to stand upright. He loads his ramshackle sleigh with some bags and sacks, and whistles for Max. Being a dog, he naturally assumed they’re going for a ride, and sits in the sleigh, wagging and happy. The Grinch breaks the forth wall to look at us, the goes to remind Max who the master is. Taking Max by the horn, he attaches him to the front of the sleigh, cracks the whip, yes on his dog, and they start towards Whoville. Max tries to run faster than the downhill momentum of the sleigh, and fails. He ends up under it, behind it, on it, pulled back to the front, upside down, clinging to the Grinch, then managers to stay ahead of it. I’d like to point out that the Grinch is about to do his burgling while the Whos are a-snooze. Why he needs Max dressed as a reindeer is beyond me. I get the point of his outfit, but Max is clearly a dog in a horn. Whatever, maybe the Whos are gullible. Spoiler alert, they are. 

They reach the first house, and Max steadies the ladder. The Grinch slid down the chimney, a rather tight pinch, but if Santa could do it, then so could the Grinch. He got stuck only once, for a minute or two, then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue. First to go, the stockings. The Grinch pulls out a magnet and uses it to remove the nails holding them up. Next, with a smile most unpleasant, he took every present. Pop guns, pampoonas, pantookas and drums, checkerboards, bizzel-binks, popcorn and plums. Then, for whatever reason, rather than opening the door, he sends his stolen goods UP the chimney, where upon the roof, he then has to send them back to ground level. Me thinks the Whos aren’t the only dim bulbs in the land. We get another verse of Mr. Grinch as the stealing montage plays. During the thefts, his poor dog is the one having to carry all the sacks to the sleigh. All the Grinch really needs to do is take anything that makes noise, and all the batteries as well. There will be unhappy kids, and statistically a few moms too, but problem solved. 

You’re a vile one, Mr. Grinch. You have termites in your smile. You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile, Mr. Grinch. You’re a rotter, Mr. Grinch, you’re the king of sinful sots. Your heart’s a dead tomato splotched with moldy purple spots, Mr. Grinch. You’re a three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce. 

He cleaned out the icebox as quick as a flash. The Grinch even took the last can of Who Hash. After stuffing all the food up the chimney with glee, the Grinch decided to stuff up the tree. Again I say, open the front door. Better yet, I’m gonna chime in with, haven’t you ever heard of, open the goddamn door? No? Well, as the Grinch shoves the massive wood in the small opening, of which I can now see the appeal, he hears a noise. He tells the chimney to relax, it’ll be over soon. Actually, it’s a sign from little Cindy Lou Who who was no more than two. She asks why he’s taking their Christmas tree. I must say, she’s quite articulate for a two year old. Though again, kinda stupid. There’s a lot more missing from the house than the tree you caught him taking, but let’s just focus on that, cause after all, still two. Grinchy Claus lies and tells her there’s a problem with the tree, and that he’s taking it to his workshop to be repairs, before bringing it back. She buys it, and he gets her a drink, and sends her to bed. Then he got the tree up the chimney. He even takes the log for the fire. Time for the final robbing montage. Final verse. 

You nauseate me, Mr. Grinch. With a nauseous super “naus”. You’re a crooked jerky jockey, and you drive a crooked horse, Mr. Grinch. Your soul is an appalling dump heap overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of rubbish imaginable mangled up in tangled knots. You’re a foul one, Mr. Grinch. You’re a nasty, wasty skunk. Your heart is full of unwashed socks, your soul is full of gunk, Mr. Grinch. The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote, stink, stank, stunk! 

 

At quarter to dawn, with the Whos still a-snooze, the Grinch took his loaded up sleigh, and headed home. Max, bless his little doggy heart, has to try and pull the full thing on his own. Poor puppy. A few cracks of the whip are motivation enough, and Max begins to get them up the side of Mount Crumpet, so the Grinch can take his load and dump it. Thought I was gonna make a load joke, didn’t you? Well, I’d hate to disappoint. Ahem, there once was a man from- what? The review is running long? We need to cut the load joke? Can’t we just-? But if I could- Sigh. The Grinch is delighted that the Whos are waking up. He can’t wait for them to realize that no Christmas is coming. He can just picture their mouths hanging open, Giggity, before crying boo-hoo. That’s a sound he can’t wait to hear. He ran to the ledge, placed a hand to his ear. Only he doesn’t hear what he expected. Fah who for-aze, dah who dor-aze starts up again. The Whos gather in the center of town and start singing, without any presents at all. The Grinch puzzles aloud to Max. It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes, or bags! Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more. Tender moments. Alright, running long or not, we need to break this down right now. Why the sudden message about presents making Christmas? This isn’t Peanuts. The Grinch never had an issue with presents being what the Whos were celebrating. Though it isn’t the birth of Who Jesus I can tell you that much. His crusade was to stop all the noise. Yes, he did a bit of overkill by taking everything, but he was trying to stop all the singing. He wasn’t out to stop the holiday. Granted, he could have just left a note asking them all to keep it down. Or he could’ve gone to visit the Sneeches, Horton, or even the Cat in the Hat, rather than staying home and listening to others have fun. Are y’all with me? Ok, on to the finale. 

The sleigh starts to go over the edge of the mountain, and realizing they’re gonna sing with or without presents, the Grinch decides to save them for whatever reason. Christmas miracle, or whatever. Dunno why hearing their singing didn’t annoy him this time. No, I’m not gonna let it go. It’s kind of a plot hole, if you ask me, which you didn’t, but it’s my review so I’m not gonna stop. Except I am. For now. He Grinch scrambles to save the sleigh, and Max too, cause might as well. He gets Max free, though more accident than on purpose, then goes to stop the sleigh. Which is on snow. Fighting gravity. Yay, toon physics! The Grinch’s small heart grew three sizes that day, and the true meaning of Christmas came through. He found the strength of ten Grinches, plus two. I know they needed the rhyme, but twelve. It’s twelve Grinches. Also, he now has an enlarged heart. Someone page Doctor Who. Yes! I’ve been waiting the whole time to break that one out! Now that his heart didn’t feel quite so tight, he whizzed with his load through the bright morning light. C’mon, I can’t ignore that one. What do you mean, let it go? This isn’t Frozen, and I’m not Elsa, I don’t have to let it go. Let it go! I am one with the wind and sky! Let it go! Let it go! You’ll never see me cry! Here I stand- You do not interrupt a diva during her number! The nerve! The cold never bothered me anyway! 

 

The Grinch rode back to Whoville, he brought all their toys. He brought back their floof to the Who girls and boys. He brought everything back, all the food for the feast. And the Grinch, himself, carved the roast-beast. He passes it to Cindy Lou, who gives it to Max. That’s right, puppy earned that! Boris repeats the non-Fah who for-aze, dah who dor-aze parts of the opening song, as we pan out to mountain, and see snow falling. We’ve come full circle. The last time I came in a circle was back in- oh, the review is over. Well, merry X-Mas everyone! Until next time, stay grinchy, and keep gabbing! 

Santa vs Jesus 

  

By Joshie Jaxon 

Merry X-Mas, geek fans! I had someone ask me why I use “X-Mas” instead of “Christmas”. There are several reasons, one of which is that I love Futurama, and if X-Mas is where we’re all headed anyways, then I’m ok with living that small piece of the future now. The other is that while the Christians may have appropriated this holiday, and claimed it as their own, Christ isn’t the reason for my season. Like the Christians before me, I’ve taken the parts of a preexisting holiday, claimed the parts of it that I like, and made it my own. I usually put up a tree, I give gifts to those I love, since social convention dictates that we need a reason to he nice to people, and I try to spread a little cheer to my fellow man. I just don’t do it with god, Jesus, and the nativity scene anywhere in my thought processes. If any part of this opening paragraph upsets or offends you, how on earth did you find our blog in the first place? We get our jollies on being dirty, and inappropriate. If you spend your weekends on your knees, and don’t get a protein shake with it, perhaps you should be on ChristianMingle or some other such nonsense. For the rest of you dirty whores, stick around. I’m just getting started. 

Growing up here in the United States, I have early memories of Santa, and various Christmases. Never any memories involving god, or spirituality. I’m sure the same can be said of most people. Now, it’s possible that the only reason we have early Santa memories but not the other is that Santa is far more exciting, and therefore has a tighter hold in our developing minds at those early ages. Why shouldn’t he be? Santa brings us awesome presents, and doesn’t ask us to believe in him year round to get them. Similar to 9/11, D-Day, etc, Santa barely crossed your mind until a certain time of year that’s been set aside for him. Parents use Santa as an early tool to try and manipulate you into being a good kid. Sadly, because of the effort needed to maintain such a lie, they only really break out the Santa gun around November/December. Trying a year-long manipulation of a child is a fool’s errand, though some people do put in the effort. What I don’t get about the Santa thing from the parental perspective, is why give the credit to someone else for the things you do? Kids can handle knowing you want a reason to spoil them, you’re just looking for a little good behavior and obedience to help grease the wheels. Any adult will tell you that it’s easier to want to do things for others that are nice to you, than to that witch who got the last Tickle Me Elmo by trampling an old lady to get it. Santa is more than just a fictional character, he’s become an institution. 

  

On the other side of Christmas coin, we have Jesus and the nativity. I’d like to say I’m as well versed on Jesus’ backstory and origins, but I didn’t spend too much time as an active Christian before I had to peace out. Religion just doesn’t match with my personal belief system, which is to do right, and be a good person, simply because it’s the right thing to do. Instead, like the Santa story we’re fed as children, religion uses god/Jesus/etc to manipulate us into being good people, so that we gain a reward, or avoid a punishment. Just as we’re told around Thanksgiving that Santa is watching, we’d better be good so we don’t wind up on the naughty list, as adults we’re told to behave so that we can go to heaven, avoid hell, or both. The only difference is that we aren’t going around sitting on mall-Jesus’ lap and telling him what we want for our afterlife. Depending on your religion, you may be told that just by coming to earth and gaining a body, you automatically gain access to heaven. However, if you want gain access to super-mega-VIP heaven, you still have some mortal and spiritual hoops to jump through while you’re here. The only reason I can see this working, is that when people are told someone is getting something that they aren’t, they want it too. Otherwise, there’s really no motivation to do what they say is right. 

  

Alright, now we’re gonna get into some of the fun stuff. As any kid that believed in Santa will tell you, there’s a point in their life, probably around the time they hit double digits in age, that they either became aware and figured out that the whole Santa thing was a scam, or, their parents, sick of getting extra presents and no credit, told you that he wasn’t real. Whatever the case may be, as an adult, you know the truth, and even knowing what it did to you, you probably perpetuate the same story with your own kids, hoping to give them a few years of joy, while enjoying the ability to manipulate them. Calling it anything else is a lie. Don’t get me started with that elf on a shelf bullshit. Anyhow, as I said, you know Santa is crap. However, there are countless people in the world that will swear up and down that god and Jesus are real. They will get into fights, and lecture anyone who will listen. Sound familiar? Remember defending your belief in Santa against the asshole sixth graders that knew better? Feel kind of stupid looking back on it now, don’t you? It’s alright. We were all lied to by the people who created us, and we trusted. That’s just life. It’s my opinion that that’s why some people cling so hard to religion. They desperately want to have that childlike feeling of someone watching over them, and the promise of a reward for doing what the person in authority, who they trust, says will get them that reward. I’m not claiming that there’s no higher power out there. What I am saying, is that if as kids we were wrong about Santa, it’s possible that as adults we’re wrong about god and Jesus too. 

  

This picture shows Santa kneeling before the baby Jesus. Now, while art is subjective, here’s what we’re able to infer from the context of this painting. If Santa is present at Jesus’ birth, then that says that Santa is obviously older than Jesus, and existed before he did. It also tells us that while Santa may be acknowledging his position as King of kings, you can bet that Mary and Joseph threatened little Jesus to behave or Santa wouldn’t bring him that new robe he had his eye on. Jesus, stop turning all our wine into water. We don’t have cable, your mom is an uptight virgin, and I want to get drunk. No, I wasn’t stuck by lightning for typing that. I’m sure the powers that be find me not only insightful, but amusing as well. 

Now, in order to end on a, slightly, less blasphemous note, let’s get into the powers that these seasonal behemoths have. Let’s start with Jesus. Walks on water, can turn it into wine, performs miracles such as feeding and healing those in need, and his biggest one, rising from the dead. For a non-violent figurehead, Jesus can be pretty badass. Then there’s Santa. He can travel at fantastic speeds, as evidenced by being able to traverse the globe in a single night. Is able to manipulate is mass, and the mass of objects with him, since he’s able to travel down chimneys, with presets. He’s got the charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent to inspire an entire race of elves to help him create the gifts that he delivers to children. Based on the picture above, Santa predates Jesus, so who gave Santa his calling? Or, seeing as how if you were to remove the Santa outfit, and add a white robe instead, Santa and god are eerily similar, is it possible that they are one and the same? Think about it, judges the world, hands out rewards and punishments, generous nature, beloved by all who believe in him… I’m just saying. Each of these two fictional characters give people great joy, and great heartache.

On that note, I wish you and yours a happy/merry whatever you may or may not celebrate at this time of year. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

  

Jack Frost

by Bevianna Bones

The joyful holiday season is upon us, and while its kept your dear Bevianna busy as a beaver, one thing I always manage to make time for every year is the enjoyment of timeless holiday classics. Holiday movies themselves are nearly their own genre, and as readers of this blog well know, I have joyful traditions in all of them. The holidays that is, and the movies they inspire as a “perfect” backdrop for a fine tale. There is no holiday greater than Christmas for all of the holiday inspired films out there. And with such revered time honored traditions, it’s difficult to say which is the perfect one. There are people that have their wonderful lives, and their Christmas stories…their Walton’s homecomings, their Christmas vacations…their Grinch, their Muppets, their Mickey, their Garfield, and their Charlie Brown…their White Christmas, and their miracles on 34th street. Some even enjoy their Die Hard’s and even their Gremlins, but for me, even above the blackest Christmas the time when Santa Claus conquered the Martians, my holiday joy is most jingled all the way with Jack Frost.

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Hooray! Someone remembered I exist!!

Actually, not that one, for it mearly shares the same title.

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Heartwarming. Touching.

Hell no. Not that one either. I’m talking about the greatest holiday classic of all…

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Chillin. AND Killin.

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Ahh! Of course!! No one likes MY movie. Twitch

This lump of turd was released in 1997, a year before the heartwarming Micheal Keaton family treat. I sincerely hope there are families out there that in their wanting of some good old fashioned family feels, went out and rented our titular tale in error.  After all, it is easy to mistake both title characters just from the looks of you disregard the box art.

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Michael Keaton, and..

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The only difference really being that our Jack doesn’t have that little nub for a nose. A plot device that will become most important.

Our movie opens, and we see a criminal transport truck on its way to bring the infamous serial killer, Jack Frost, guilty of thirty-eight homicides, on his way to state execution, after being caught for his crimes by the local sheriff of Snowmonton. It’s only a week before Christmas, and the roads are ever so treacherous.  Jack’s execution is scheduled for midnight, but does not happen. Instead the transport truck collides with a tanker full of genetic waste, and as Jack tries to escape the wreckage, he is overtaken by the spilling waste. His body is melted by the toxic waste and his soul is fused with the snow.

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Cut to Snomonton. Sheriff Sam is haunted by the ever-so-deadly threats of Jack Frost, who upon capture, avowed to get revenge on Sheriff Sam for ending his murderous spree that sprawled across five states.  Even with the news of his execution, Sam still fears that Jack’s vengeance will become a reality.  His fears are soon confirmed when Sam’s son, Ryan (who is a terrible cook), witnesses local bully Billy get beheaded in a freak ski accident. Of which, Ryan claims, was caused by none other than, a snowman.  Of course, no one believes him, and shortly thereafter, Billy’s parents are also killed.

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Featuring festive deaths for everyone!

After witnessing the deaths of the parents, Sheriff Sam’s best pal, Paul, tells everyone of the killer snowman, but of course, no one believes him. Afterall, this is Snomonton…not, Snowmantown. Just exactly what the hell is going on here?! Sheriff Sam decides that it’s best to lock up Paul the Pal for the time being on account of his crazy ramblings until he can get to the bottom of things.

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In the name of love. Before you break your heart.

Just as Sheriff Sam decides that something is definitely amiss, FBI agents Manners and Stone arrive in town and vaguely confirm that something is indeed amiss in town. They suggest that Sheriff Sam put Snomonton on a 24 hour curfew, and he sends all his lackeys out to round up all the folks of Snomonton, during which, Jack, after just getting start on his icy killing spree, easily kills one of the officers and steals his patrol car.  Jinkies! Another important plot device!!

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Hiya Barbie! You wanna go for ride? Hop in!

Seeing the curfew an opportune time, Billy the Bully’s slutty sister, and now orphaned, Jill (I really wanted her name to be Sally…but, maybe instead of Sally the Slutty Slit, it could very well be Jailbait Jill…I don’t know), brings her boytoy to none other than Sheriff Sam’s very own home to get revenge for the death of her entire family by stealing his booze and having drunk sexy times into the wee hours. Never has a more diabolical plan been hatched!!

Of course, Jack is in pursuit of Sam, so goes to his home, only to find the two youngsters. And, in one of my two favorite scenes kills the boyfriend in all it’s oven-mitted glory.

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With him out of the way, Jack is free to have his way with Jailbait Jill, or Sally the Slutty Slit, as I still prefer to call her, and proceeds to the bathroom where she is taking, none other than, a bath. In the most iconic scene from the film, Jack pulls off his carrot nose and fucks Jill to death in the shower.

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These are the moments that define ones career

Yes, internet, if you didn’t already know, snowman-carrot-slut-slit-fucking has already been done.  Creative minds will have to think of something else.

All but one need assaisiated, Jack heads to the police station to confront Sam.  Agent Stone finally breaks down under tough scrutiny and reveals that he works for the same genetics company that made the sludge that mutated Jack into the snowman. Was it really an accident? Conspiracy. Damned govement.  Agent Stone explains that the human soul is merely a chemical, and the toxic sludge was going to be used to store DNA in case of the impending nuclear holocaust.

The team devises a plan to destroy Jack; they are going to blow him up inside the police station. Using aerosol cans and firing a bullet towards them, it does absolutely nothing and the war rages on.

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Using hair dryers they manage to push Jack back towards he furnace, which is successful only in condensing him, and ultimately allowing Jack to kill Agent Stone and maim Agent Manners.

Jack traps Sheriff Sam and son Ryan in his car, but Sam manages to escape by wounding Jack with the oatmeal his son had made him for breakfast. Curious, oatmeal burning the snowman.

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One of Ryan’s favorite recipes from the Arsonists Cookbook

Sam asks Ryan what he put in the oatmeal, and he tells him he used antifreeze to make it…so he wouldn’t get cold. Sounds to me like son wanted daddy gone, because no one is that stupid, even in a movie about killer snowmen. Alternatively, if the kid is in fact that touched (as we say in the south), what kind of parents would let this drooling, defecating, murmuring vegetable of a human near an open flame?

And like a light switching itself on, Sheriff Sam knows what he needs to do to rid Snomonton (who just so happens is in the middle of celebrating their annual snowman festival, if I didn’t mention it earlier). Sheriff Sam goes and tells Pal Paul to fill up the bed of his truck with antifreeze.

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In the gut wrenching climax, Jack chases Sam through a church and finally catches him, impailing him with an icicle. It nearly would have killed Sam, too, had the truck full of antifreeze not shown up just in the nick of time. Jack and Sam crash through the church window and land in the truck.  Jack is melted and finally gone. They poor the antifreeze (which now is chaulk full of Jack’s soul) into the empty antifreeze containers and bury them into the ground.  The state police are on their way, and Sheriff Sam proclaims, “We will tell them it’s too late.”

The last shot of the film shows one of the containers bubbling, confirming that Jack is still alive, but contained. For now.

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Did somebody say sequel??

I haven’t seen the sequel,  but in truth I am curious to. Surely it’s as terrible, if not more terrible than the first. Maybe a double feature could become a new tradition in the coming years.  Until next time.

-BB

A Garfield Christmas Special

  

By Joshie Jaxon 

Happy holidays, geek fans! After that last post with those awful critters, I decided to go with something more family friendly. I’m finishing out the holiday trifecta with Garfield’s X-Mas special. I watched Peanuts thanksgiving, but there were performance issues, and I couldn’t get it up. It happens. Let’s not dwell on it. I prefer Garfield anyways, he’s not nearly as preachy. He also appeals to my inner hedonist. I wasn’t alive in the 60’s or 70’s, but I am all for, if it feels good, do it. Now, even though X-Mas is after Thanksgiving, this special takes place before that one. Keep that in mind. That being said, let the geeks begin!  

We open on Jon’s house, which from the outside looks like Santa threw up all over it. There’s yard decorations, signs, ribbons, a giant tree, lights, and an animatronic Santa and sleigh. Clark Griswold wishes his house looked like this. Personally, it’s a little much for me. Inside the house, Garfield’s bed looks like a present, his blanket has trees on it, there’s a giant electronic candle, and Jon enters in a elf costume. I’m all for holiday spirit, but this really is too much. Jon says that it’s X-Mas morning. Garfield says that means presents. Jon says he can’t open gifts on an empty stomach, and lays out his breakfast lasagnas so Garfield can eat his way to the tree. Once Garfield gets there, Jon goes to get his present. Garfield is so excited he’s biting his nails, er, claws. A forklift comes in carrying a giant gift. It opens to reveal a Santa throne. Jon says it will read his mind, and whatever he can think of, he’ll get. Jon demonstrates by conjuring an elf hat. Garfield throws him out of the device and conjures some jewels. That’s just for starters. It’s time for the opening number. This is what X-Mas is all about. Gimme, gimme, gimme, starts playing as Garfield conjures up a mountain of presents as the credits roll. This may be 1987 but he’s got the American consumerism down. Gadgets! Toys! Greed! Avarice! You go, kitty! 

  

Back in reality, Jon wakes Garfield to tell him it’s X-Mas Eve morning. Garfield ain’t having it before breakfast. Jon tells him they need to pack up so they can go to the farm. Garfield quips that he’s got a sick sense of humor. Jon says the whole family will be there; mom, dad, grandma, and Doc Boy. Garfield is still less than enthused. He wonders why he has to be drug from his bed to see some stupid relatives, and why he has to go to the stupid farm. He wonders why they can’t come to where his warm bed is. He then wonders why he’s whispering. I wonder too. After all, the only one who can hear and understand him is Odie, who wasn’t even in the room. This cartoon dances with the line of reality, but given that it’s a “talking” cat, we have to just go with it. It’s easier if you just go with it. 

In the present-filled car, passing the city limit, Jon says he can almost smell mom’s chestnut dressing. That’s not what Garfield smells. Jon starts going on about what he enjoys at X-Mas, including the smiles on everyone’s faces. Well, almost everyone. Garfield is a sour puss. Pun intended. Jon starts singing about his childhood traditions, and Garfield counters each point with a still modern level of cynicism. Garfield says the great thing about X-Mas is the insomnia and the anxiety that kids get from having to wait. As they pull up to the farm, Jon tells Garfield to behave. Fine, he’ll stay in the car. 

  

Inside, we get to see the family. Jon’s mom takes the presents. Jon shakes hands with his dad, who calls him a city slicker. Jon greets his favorite brother, who reminds him that he’s Jon’s only brother. We hear grandma telling them to visit until their lips fall of for all she cares. She’ll just sit there in the dark, alone. Jon says hi, and she points out that city life has made him soft. He’s even got a belly. Grandma then promptly punches him in it, doubling him over. I like grandma. She says she does a hundred sit ups every morning, and her stomach is hard as a rock. Trying to divert attention, Jon points Garfield out. She remembers when they had wood-burning cats, a statement that still makes no sense to me. Garfield either, as he says it’s bizarre. Jon’s mom is so full of holiday cheer she could just burst. Grandma tells her to put a sock in and to go finish dinner. Garfield just smirks. Have I mentioned that I like grandma? It bears repeating. 

  

Jon takes Garfield and Odie outside. The latter is happily bouncing through the snow, while the former is nothing but a tail above it. Just as he says things can’t get worse, he smacks into a water pipe. Inside, grandma is checking on mom’s gravy, and is preparing to add some chili powder when mom catches her. Grandma mutters that her gravy won a prize while mom’s didn’t even place, she then sprinkles the gravy with the chili powder. Atta girl! Meddle! Meddle your little heart out! Jon and Garfield return to the house. Where’s Odie? He’s out in the barn, rummaging through various junk, and pulling items aside. What’s that dog up to? Garfield hops up on the counter, and sees the gravy on the stove. He uses a finger and takes an unsanitary taste. We get a spectacular toon reaction as he breathes fire from the chili powder. He lands on the counter, and says it’s perfect. Odie sneaks back into the house, whistling his theme music. 

  

At the table, the family sits down for dinner. Doc Boy reaches for a roll, but his mom tells him to say grace. He complains, and grandma hits him upside the head with a spoon. He thanks the lord, and we get an amen, but he breaks into some flowery thing about finding peace. Grandma hits him again, and he finally stops. Jon asks for the potatoes. Scalloped, whipped, fried, baked, or boiled? Mom always makes too much food. Since Jon can’t decide, he asks for a piece of pie. Apple, peach, pumpkin , blueberry, or banana cream? Meanwhile, on the other side of the table, grandma is sneaking bits of food to Garfield and Odie. He says the service is great, as is the cuisine, but the decor leaves something to be desired. He gives it two stars. Jon thanks his mom for dinner. Grandma loudly clears her throat, and he acknowledges her too. He offers Garfield some leftovers, but as he’s already full, he decides to pass. 

  

Time to trim the tree. On X-Mas Eve. That seems so weird to me. Personally, I wait until at least after Thanksgiving, but to decorate the tree the day before the holiday just seems, anti-climatic. Yes, you get to enjoy it for the day, but you chopped down a tree for one day of use? Oh well, it’s a cartoon. They don’t have to worry about such things. Odie steals some wire from a box of decorations, and Garfield goes to sit with grandma. She comments on how the family is jawing like a bunch of banshees. Though, to make it through life you have to be a little crazy. Just look at her, she talks to cats. Back at the tree, Doc Boy is on all fours with dad standing on him, while Jon steadies him. Dad asks why they can’t put the star on first, and then raise the tree. Mom says it just wouldn’t be X-Mas that way. Jon decides to recruit Garfield for the mission. Like my cat, Garfield likes climbing X-Mas trees. He says if he’s not back in an hour, to send a banana cream pie. Garfield takes the star, and scales the tree like a pro. That is, until he gets to the top and looks down. He freaks, grabs the tree for dear life, and places the star. The family applauds him, and getting caught up in attention, he takes a bow, which causes him to fall down to the ground through the tree. He says whoever invented them should be drug into the street and shot. Poor kitty. Dad plugs the lights and we all get too ooh and ahh at the spectacle. 

  

Mom, who’s name I’m gonna assume is Grace, says it’s time for a good old fashioned piano party. Doc Boy isn’t so sure. Dad smacks him upside the head and says the twenty four years of piano lessons better be worth something. Doc Boy plays and sings, badly. Grandma shoves him aside and brings the house down with her jazzy version of Oh X-Mas Tree. After grandma, it’s mom’s turn to play. She starts a nice song, as Garfield goes to sit with grandma. She doesn’t know how he knew she needed a kitty in her lap. Grandma starts telling him about her late husband, and how he was a good provider, and always made something nice for her and the kids at X-Mas. This is the time of year she misses him most. Aww, right in the feels. 

Mom says it’s time for their annual tradition. It’s time for dad to read Binky, the clown who saved X-Mas. Does he have to? Yes, it’s tradition. Jon and Doc Boy wonder if Binky is gonna save X-Mas again this year. Um, is Doc Boy kinda special? Unless it’s the 25th anniversary special edition author’s cut of the book, the story won’t have changed from last time. They make poor dad do Binky’s “Heeeeey, kids!” In the right voice. Y’all are grown men. I’m all for childhood nostalgia, obviously, but you don’t need to make your dad read to you like that. Be glad your mom forced him to read at all. Mom says it’s bed time, and they cheer. Dad just rolls his eyes. Meanwhile, Odie raids the closet for the handle of a plunger. Really, what’s that dog up to?

  

We see Garfield and Odie sleeping next to the fireplace. Then we see the fire is out, indicating the passage of time. Odie wakes up and nuzzles Garfield to see if he’s awake. Since Garfield slept through it, Odie sneaks off to the barn. Garfield wakes up and looks out the window. Seeing where Odie went, he decides to follow. There’s a song playing about never finding an elf when you need one, as we watch Odie assemble his treasures into a present, then cover it with a bag. Garfield slips, and a box drops some letters on him. He thinks they must be at least fifty years old. 

Back in the house, Jon and Doc Boy try to wake their dad, to see if they can open presents yet. He says it’s one thirty in the morning, no they can’t. They argue that any time after midnight is X-Mas morning. Dad orders them to bed. They leave, still arguing that it is technically X-Mas morning. 

Cut to morning proper. Dad greets the boys asking what they want to do first, chores, breakfast, or presents. They excitedly shout, presents! Doc boy is in a bunny footie pajama, while Jon has on bunny slippers. Yes, these are supposed to be grown men. They open gifts. Jon got a sweater, dad a giant cowboy hat, grandma a bowling ball, and Doc Boy is playing with a toy plane. Yes, seriously. Let’s break this down, shall we? Assuming that he started his piano lessons at five or six, and the twenty four year thing wasn’t a joke, then at minimum, Doc Boy would be twenty nine to thirty. Minimum. Footie pajamas and a toy plane. I’m just saying. Anyhow, mom doesn’t appear to have a present. Perhaps she’ll get a new pearl necklace after the boys leave. Mom says it was a lovely X-Mas. Garfield tugs at her apron and says it’s not over. He goes and retrieves the stack of letters and gives them to grandma. She can’t believe it. They’re love letters from grandpa back when they were courting. Mom asks what they say, but a lady doesn’t reveal such things. I’m guessing they were pervy sex letters. Grandma seems like she’d be into that. Odie then takes Garfield to see what he assembled. Garfield doesn’t know what it is. Odie demonstrates that it’s a self scratcher. Garfield hugs him, and the family awwws. Garfield closes the special by saying X-Mas is not the getting, or the giving, it’s the loving. 

Until next time, everyone. Stay geeky, and keep gabbing!
  

South Park – Woodland Critter Christmas 

 
By Joshie Jaxon

Greetings, geek fans! I’m determined to get holiday specials posted for you guys. After all, for October and December, that’s all that ever shows. I love holiday specials of all kinds. In the event of television series, they usually provide a break from the normal continuity, and allow everyone to have fun. Today’s holiday special kickoff is brought to by South Park. South Park; we take everything that’s decent, and turn it on it’s ass. You’ll laugh, but you may hate yourself for it. Keep in mind, this particular episode is over ten years old, and I still cringe a little. Want to know why? Let the geeks begin! 

  

This episode features voiceover narration, telling the story we’re watching, but in verse. While I am so talented, I’m nowhere near motivated enough to attempt the same. Besides, my unique brand of humor is best left unrhymed. We see the citizens of South Park setting up their decorations, and doing their shopping. After all, Christmas is a store bought holiday. We’re taken to the forest, where the woodland critters are preparing for their holiday. They sing the following, “it’s almost time when the time is here. The time that’s only once a year. We can hardly wait cause it’s so near; a woodland critter Christmas”. Aww, this is gonna be such a sweet story. We are then introduced to the critters, who are all wearing at least one piece of seasonal attire. Squirrelly the squirrel, rabbity the rabbit, beavery the beaver, Barry the bear, porcupiney the porcupine, skunky the skunk, foxy the fox, deery the deer, woodpeckery the woodpecker, mousy the mouse, and chickadeey the chickadee. There’s also a raccoon that I assume is named raccoony, but they don’t name him officially. That somehow seems racist. Stan enters the forest and sees the critters. What the hell? 

  

They all gather around him and asks how he likes their tree. He says it looks nice. Mousy says it needs a star. The squirrel says maybe their new friend will help them out. Stan makes them a paper star for the tree, and they invite him to sing and dance with them for a while. Stan opts to go home. Good call Stan, run away. Run far, run fast. Not listening to me, Stan goes to bed. Cut to 3am, where Stan wakes up to the critters in his room. Stalker critters! They tell Stan that the porcupine is pregnant. He tells them he has school in the morning. The mouse says he doesn’t understand. Deery explains that lady porcupine is a virgin, and the conception was immaculate. So was a Madonna collection, that doesn’t make it right for critters. Foxy says she’s gonna give birth to their lord and savior. Porcupine says she’s due on Christmas Day. Squirrelly says the only problem is they don’t have a manger. Barry says they’ve got to have a manger. Rabbity asks Stan if he’ll help again. The voiceover says Stan did it with joy, but he’s half asleep and doesn’t give a damn. We see him in the forest, finishing the critter manger. Mousy says it’s perfect. The unnamed raccoon asks if they can go to bed. Aren’t raccoons nocturnal? The critters start singing their song, and Stan wanders off. We hear a roar. There’s a mountain lion in the forest. Stan tells it to shoo. Foxy says it must know the porcupine is pregnant and is gonna kill it again. Again? Yes, every year that lion kills the pregnant virgin critter. Porcupine is so very afraid. Wait, there’s nothing to be afraid of this year. This year they have Stanny. 

  

As the voiceover tells us of the lion, Stan says aloud that this is f*cking ridiculous. At the mouth of the lion’s den, Stan roars to lure the lion out. He draws the critter killer out of hiding, and up the peak. How a fourth grader is able to escape a lion is an issue for other day. Stan gets to the edge of the mountain and turns to face the lion. It roars, leaps at him, and falls to it’s death. Um, the entire episode is full of talking, anthropomorphized animals, capable of rational thought. Why, then, did the lion allow that to happen? It didn’t have spacial reasoning to know not to leap off the edge? Whatevs. The twisted stuff is about to happen anyways, cause this is South Park, and it’s been too cute for too long. Stan sees the dead lion, and we hear the sympathy music playing as three lion cubs come out of the den. Mommy? Wake up, mommy, wake up. Don’t leave us mommy! Stan, like me, is gobsmacked at what he’s seeing. A cub asks him why he killed their mom. “The critters… Birth of the savior…” The cubs all cry, and nuzzle around their dead mom’s body. Having nothing helpful to say, Stan wanders off the mountain. 

  

The critters are all gathered around a fire. They says Stan has been gone too long, and the lion must have got him. Their savior is gonna be savior stew. Stan appears in the woods, and the critters rejoice. Wait, does that mean he killed the mountain lion? Yep, it’s dead. The squirrel says their critter Christmas can finally happen. Hail satan! The critters all shout it back. Stan looks shocked. The beaver says he did them a favor, cause without the mountain lion, the porcupine can give birth to the anti-Christ. Stan says he thought she was giving birth to their savior. Yes, their lord and savior, satan. Stan says he thought they mean the son of god. Deery says that’s stupid. God wouldn’t have sex with a porcupine. Foxy says they need to celebrate. Let’s sacrifice rabbity and eat his flesh! Rabbity says to sacrifice him to the devil. The critters cheer, and pull out an altar. They slice the rabbit open, start eating him, and declare they should have a blood orgy. Mousy buries his face in the fox’s ass, Barry bangs the deer while the squirrel gets it’s ear, the skunk mounts lady porcupine, and the beaver tops the raccoon. Stan just stares in horror. Right there with ya, buddy. Brave yourselves, guys. We’re only halfway done.

  

Christmas Eve morning. The critters are decorating their manger with satanic symbols, and turning the star upside down. Owls are laying flowers at the dead mountain lion’s body. The lion cubs, orphaned and alone, try to comfort each other. The voiceover says it’s all because of Stan, that there’s no one to stop the apocalypse. Stan sits at his desk in agony over his actions. The voiceover says that Stan is going back to the forest. Instead, Stan sits on the couch and turns on the tv. Voiceover tries to prompt him to action again. Stan turns up the volume and tells it to shut up. Finally, Stan gives in and goes back to the woods. The critters are happy to see him. They have a big problem. Satan commanded them to have a human vessel to put the anti-Christ into. It must not be baptized, and heathenistic towards Christ. They figured Stan would be perfect. Sorry, he’s not a heathen, he’s baptized and his family is Christian. Maybe he’ll help them find one. No! He’s not doing any more favors, and he’s going to stop them. Barry says they’ll have use their evil satanic powers on him. Whatever, he’s taking down his manger. We hear omen-style music as the critter’s eyes glow red, and flames appear, then crows, then a hell hound. Stan gets attacked and flees. The critters says their powers get stronger every day. The only thing that can stop them is a mountain lion, but it’s dead. Wait, there are three lion cubs on the mountain. 

  

Stan climbs back up the mountain, and calls to the lion cubs. They say it’s the man boy who killed mommy. He’s come to kill them too. It’s ok, the one has been dead inside since their mom died. Better Stan kill them than face the cold death of not having a mom. Stan says he’s sorry. The squirrel had said their mom was evil. They don’t think Stan is too bright. He’s trying to make it right. Only a mountain lion can stop devil worshipping critters. The cubs say they still have their baby teeth, and their baby claws. And a dead mom. Stan says there has to be a way. One of the cubs says an abortion could work. The cubs ask if Stan knows where they could learn. Voiceover says there’s a clinic outside of town, and that Stan took the cubs there. Stan argues that he didn’t, but voiceover says he did. Cut to Stan at the clinic saying, god dammit. The doctor asks what he’s doing there. Stan doesn’t know, he says the lions need to learn how to perform abortions. The doctor says it’s nearly Christmas, he has tons to perform. Cue a sappy, folksy, Christmas song that plays as the doctor gives an abortion, with the lion cubs assisting. Yes, that actually happens. Yes, I’m actually squirming in my seat. Stan sits alone saying that this better have a point. I agree. 

  

It’s almost time when the time is here. The time that’s only once a year… Wait a second, that guy is all alone. We look and see Kyle with his sled. What the hell? The critters ask why he’s alone on Christmas Eve. It’s because he doesn’t believe in Jesus. The critters cheer. Wait, does that mean he’s not baptized. Kyle says he’s Jewish, and the critters cheer again. They gather around Kyle and take him to their manger. That night, as a red star appears in the sky, Stan and the cubs head to the site of critter Christmas. Sadly, they were too late. They enter the clearing and see the devil baby in the manger, while the critters look on with reverence. The squirrel says it brings a thousand years of darkness to the forest. Kyle, bound to the altar asks what’s going on. Stan says it’s critter Christmas and it sucks ass. Stan shouts up at the voiceover that after all that, it’s a thousand years of darkness, and he doesn’t get a merry Christmas. Voiceover mentions sleigh bells overhead, and we see Santa. The critters are happy to see Santa. The raccoon suggests they eat his flesh. Santa wants to know what the hell is going on. The critters say Stan helped their savior be born. Santa tells Stan nice going, and calls him stupid. There’s only one way to stop devil-worshipping critters. Santa pulls out a shotgun and starts blasting them all one by one. Yay Santa! They try to use their satanic powers, but they’re no match for Santa’s shotgun. Wow. There’s a sentence that looks weird out of context. Stan frees Kyle, as the last critter is blown away. What about the anti-Christ? Santa says without a host, it’ll die. Kyle says he wants AC’s power, he can seize control of Christmas for the Jews! 

  

As Kyle absorbs the anti-Christ into himself, we hear Kyle scream, “stop it, Cartman!” Cut to Garrison’s classroom where Kyle is telling Eric not to read one more sentence of his stupid story. Eric says he didn’t interrupt Kyle when it was his turn for a story. Kyle says that Eric is just trying to rip on him for being Jewish at Christmas. Eric asks Mr. Garrison to intervene, but he rolls his eyes saying if Eric doesn’t stop he’ll get a call from Kyle’s mother. Cartman returns to his seat, but the other students want to know what happened to Kyle, and the lion cubs. Kyle asks why they care. Stan says he wants to know if he has a merry Christmas. Kyle predicts he gets killed by Santa to save Christmas. Cartman says that’s not at all what happens. Butters says to let him finish. Everyone else chimes in. Eric is allowed to finish his story. Kyle says he it burns. Stan asks what he expected, it’s the son of the devil. Kyle says he no longer wants to be the vessel for the anti-Christ. Santa says he needs to kill Kyle before the darkness consumes his soul. Stan is ready to cry, but then remembers the lion cubs know how to give abortions. They get AC out through Kyle’s ass, and Santa smashes the little bugger with a sledgehammer. Yay!

  

Santa tells Stan he’s been extra good and can have a special present. Stan knows what he wants. Santa sprinkles his magic over the dead mountain lion mom, and she comes back to life. The cubs are happy to have her back. We see Stan go home and enjoy his holiday meal, get his presents, and it was the best Christmas ever. Everyone lived happily ever after. Except for Kyle, who died of AIDS two weeks later. Dammit, Cartman! 

There you have it. Something that started out with the potential for cuteness, and turned into something you never saw coming. I delight in showing this to people for the first time, such as Bevianna. Her reaction at the first, “hail satan” was priceless. For everything else, there’s MasterCard. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing!