Character Crush- Samantha Micelli/Jennifer Canterville

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by Bevianna Bones

It feels like that cover photo is straight out of an issue of Bop! doesn’t it? If you don’t know what I’m talking about then sadness for you that you never experienced the awesomeness of Bop! magazine and the craze that was JTT for most little girls.

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Believe it or not, that is not a cover of Softball & Rescue Cats monthly. (That’s a reference to say that all those little boys look like softball playin’ animal rescuin’ lesbos for those of you that may have missed that joke)

Anyway, while most little girls were obsessing over JTT and the like, I was swooning over little miss Alyssa Milano…aka Samantha Micelli…aka Jennifer Canterville.

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You remember, that really obscure 80’s tv special that featured Sir John Gielgud as Sir Simon the ghost and Ted Wass..aka Blossom’s Dad…as Alyssa Milano’s dad?? You don’t remember it?? Maybe you remember the 90s made for tv version that had Patrick Stewart as the ghost and Neve Campbell as the daughter? Still no? Well I recommend doing what I did and take the plunge and make that drunken Amazon purchase you’ve been waiting for and drop 50 (US Dollars…) on the DVD, because its not to be missed. In fact, I watched it so many times as a child (we had a vhs recording taped off the tv full of marvelous 80s advertising) that as an adult, I longed to watch it again for a bit of nostalgia. So onto the interwebs I go, only to find out its available on Amazon for the mere price of 50 USD. Sadness, as I swore to myself I would pay that much for a DVD; long story short, a few too many beers and a couple days later, surprise, it’s there in my mailbox.

Anyway, this crush thing for me involves both the character from Canterville Ghost, and the more widely known character of Samantha from Who’s the Boss? Mainly because, all in all they were pretty much one in the same. Only difference really being that one’s dad was Blossom’s Dad, and the other’s dad was Tony Danza.  They were both tomboy’s, which I immediately grew a liking too, and they both were smart asses, which, I also grew a liking too.

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Anyone else notice how much she/they resemble my other 80s childstar crush? Jo? Maybe it’s all that denim. I apparently have a thing for dark haired Italian girls with attitude. Does Katy Perry have some Itailian in her? That would explain an awful lot for me if she does.

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By the Gods, Google…I’m really hoping that image came out of an old Bop too…

But hey, what wasn’t there for me to like? They both were just like me! Minus the Italian part of course. That was my main rationale as a child for all of these apparent crushes I once had. I just so wanted to be like them. I wasn’t old enough to know that it was just my loins talking.

We all got to watch little Sam grow up over the eight seasons Who’s the Boss? ran for, and in the end in 1992, she had grown from 80s tomboy into the dream of the 90s.

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Bottom line is, I will always hold a special place in my heart, for Sam/Jen, as the girl I wanted to be…aka the 80s me version of coping with a crush.

And why not? Anyone seen Alyssa Milano lately? She’s still smoking hot now in her 40s.

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BB

He-Man and the Masters of the Universe (2002) – The Beginning, Part 1

   

By Joshie Jaxon

I am Adam, Prince of Eternia. Defender of the secrets of Castle Grayskull. This is Cringer, my fearless friend. Fabulous se- Damn, I hate it when my voiceover gets interrupted by blasters. This ain’t your daddy’s He-Man. Well, I suppose it could be, depending on your age. All I mean is, this ain’t the page boy haircut, pink tunic, purple tights and undies He-Man of the 80’s. There may not be as much homoerotic content as the previous incarnation. And no, I don’t mean The New Adventures of He-Man. I have it, but can’t bring myself to watch it yet. I’ll just focus on this one, even though it’s a tad too new to be retro. Let the geeks begin! 

  

Pristine palace of fantastic phallusness. A band of five warriors walks to the entrance of the inner sanctum. The guards stop them, naturally. The leader removes his helmet, and is identified as Captain Randor. He and his crew are allowed inside. They take a knee before the elders. I swear that happened in a missionary porn too. Never mind. Randor apologizes for the intrusion, but Keldor is making his move on the capital. The elders need to evacuate or all the power of Eternia will belong to Keldor. The elders tell Randor that he will defeat the villain, and rule in the elder’s place, as King. Kneel before elders, get a crown. Maybe we should stop ignoring the daddies that troll us on websites. Nah.

  

The wall explodes, and Evil-Lyn, Keldor and company storm the chamber. Keldor is serving up all kinds of blue skinned, long dark hair, goatee, warrior realness. Sexy, blue skinned villain, half brother destined to be King… Michele, what does that remind you of? Sounds a bit like Loki & Thor. Maybe that’s just me. By the way, sorry for the possible spoiler to those of you who may not be well-versed in Eternian history. Actually, no I’m not. Keldor & Randor are related. That’ll make things all the more interesting for the rest of the series. There’s no drama like family drama. 

  

Where was I? Oh yes, Keldor and Randor’s forces face off with one another. Someone activated the fog machine, cause I can’t imagine the inner sanctum of the elders would have any dust to kick up. Speaking of the elders, the disappear in a flash. Literally. Keldor and Randor clash, and Keldor says he’s been looking forward to this. He splits his sword into two, and goes on the offensive. He swirls them like the fierce diva he is. Then leaps and spins, cape billowing for dramatic emphasis, before striking a stone pilar hard enough to split it. Randor evades the attack, but not the griffin that gets him from behind, courtesy of Beast Man. Stratos, as him name suggests, flies to intercept. Once again Keldor and Randor clash. Randor manages to disarm Keldor, but Keldor isn’t beaten yet. He throws a vial of green liquid, marked with a foreshadowing skull, at Randor, who gets a shield up in time. The liquid is deflected back to Keldor. No! His beautiful face! Beast Man and griffin grab Keldor and flee. Randor hears a voice tell him that there will be peace for a time, then a hero will emerge to protect Eternia. 

  

Flash forward, let’s say, sixteen years. Adam and Teela are sparring, and she’s winning. She says she’ll take it easy on him, since it’s his birthday. He doesn’t want her doing him any favors. Maybe this one doesn’t like girls either. Let’s evaluate. Muted purple pants, with lether belt. White sleeveless shirt with red vest. Blonde, bouncy hair. Piercing blue eyes. I’m gonna go ahead and call it. Somewhere, over the Grayskull, way up high… Adam and Teela continue sparring, but this time on floaty disc things. Think Magneto escaping the plastic prison in X2, but without the awesome balls. Well, Adam may have awesome balls. Only Man at Arms knows for sure. He warns Adam that should the forces of evil attack, he needs to be ready. Adam says that his father drove them away years ago. They’re history. 

  

Pan through beautiful Eternian fields, and pass through a shiny wall of retaining goodness, to a desert filled with volcanoes, like it’s not hot enough. Then we see Snake Mountain. Evil-Lyn, Beast Man, Trap-Jaw, and Tri-Klops gather. Trap-Jaw says that HE has come up with a device to destroy the mystic wall. In the throne room, a shrouded Keldor pets Panthor as he reveals his plan to break down the mystic wall. His device lacks a crucial element. It’s taken nearly two years to find it. On cue, Mer-Man appears holding a giant red crystal. Evil-Lyn quips that he could have taken a minute to clean it up. Which he does. By rubbing it on Beast Man. Keldor places it in the device, and tells no one in particular that once the mystic wall comes down, he’ll hunt the elders, and finally claim Eternia’s power as his own. 

  

Back at the castle, Orko is playing music for the banquet, badly. Ram-Man begs him to stop. Time to break out the party tricks. Orko attempts to transform an ordinary pudding, but instead only manager to scare Cringer. The King and queen wait for Adam to arrive. She assures Randor that Adam must be late because he’s primping for the occasion. Nope, Teela brings him in. He’d been sleeping. He didn’t miss the cake, right? Meanwhile, on the something something something dark side of the wall, Tri-Klops and crew set up the device. They set it off, and a giant beam slams into the mystic wall. At the castle, they feel the impact, and assume it’s a tremor. That was no tremor. 

  

Dark side of the wall. There’s a crack. Wasn’t it supposed to come down? Face still unseen, Keldor says they now know where to apply the pressure. Trap-Jaw starts off by slamming his metal claw into it. Tri-Klops blasts it with an eye beam. Some light gets through. Beast Man rides a giant rhino into it. The crack grows again. Evil-Lyn tells the boys to step aside, and recites a spell you’d find in Charmed. “A change is at hand. May this wall turn to dust. It’s utter destruction is an absolute must!” Granted, there’s a lot of power behind it, but c’mon. Let a real diva show you how it’s done. Keldor uses his staff to channel a giant energy beam at the weak point. The crack spreads for him. Giggity. Soon the entire mystic wall crumbles, as Keldor laughs. It’s raining wall! Hallelujah! 

  

At the banquet, Man-E-Faces is using his monster face to act against Orko who is a knight. Shakespeare in the park, this ain’t. Orko says they need a princess. Adam volunteers Teela. She pulls him into a hammer lock, and says she’s no damsel in distress. The crowd laughs. Man at Arms hears a voice in his head, and excuses himself. Orko decides to be the knight, and the princess. You go, Orko. Be who you wanna be. Man at Arms grabs Adam’s shoulder and says he needs to speak with him, and asks Adam to accompany him to Castle Grayskull. Adam assumes it’s for a birthday surprise. Oh, he’ll be surprised all right. Sixteen is the age of consent in Eternia. Wonder if that’ll take any of the thrill out of it for Man at Arms?

  

Elsewhere, Keldor is intimidating a merchant. He demands to know where the Hall of Wisdom is. It stood on this very spot. Merchant tells him is just disappeared one day. Alright, but what about the counsel of elders? They couldn’t have just disappeared. They must be somewhere. 
Back at the banquet, Randor offers up a toast to his son Adam, only to realize he’s not there. He and Man at Arms arrive at Castle Grayskull. Adam says it could use a coat of paint. He’s one of those interior design gays. A falcon screeches as the drawbridge lowers. They enter the castle. Category is, gothic chic. Gargoyles are everywhere, like tchotchkes. We enter a throne room, that has giant wings near it. The falcon cries again, and goes to land on the throne. Instead, it transforms into the Sorceress’ human form. She greets Adam by name, saying she knew this day would come, but didn’t think it would be so soon. He says it’s the same day every year. Next time he’ll invite her. Stupid, young, and narcissistic. Yep, he’s a ‘mo alright. 

  

The Sorceress uses her staff to show Adam the past, explaining how Randor and Man at Arms drove the villains back to Snake Mountain, deep in the dark hemisphere. She, and Man at Arms created a barrier, to ensure they wouldn’t return. It’s worth pointing out that in this version, she can apparently leave Grayskull, and still have powers. With the mystic wall erected, the counsel of elders, containing all the power of Etetnia, transformed themselves into an orb, and hid it within the walls of Grayskull. 

  

Adam thanks her for the story, and tries to leave. She tells him that it’s was foretold that a hero would emerge. Adam gestures to Man at Arms. The Sorceress tells him that HE is the hero, and will be transformed into the defender of Grayskull, and protector of Etetnia. Forces of evil have broken the mystic wall. Adam says they use it for target practice; it doesn’t have a scratch. Clearly he doesn’t understand. He thanks her for the magic show, and leaves to go home. Only to find it in ruin. Credits. What’d you expect? It says part one right there in the title. Until next time! 

  

Pride Post-Bringing up Baby…Dyke

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by Bevianna Bones

Well Pride Month, otherwise known as June, is upon us. A time for the LGBT community to stand up and say, “Here I am world, deal with it.” And as we approach the anniversary of the Stonewall riots, I can’t help but think, now as a 35 year old lesbian, how much the world has changed since then. With the supreme court  trying to reach a verdict on marriage equality, and the repellent of the military policy of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell; it seems to me as though in mind of all of these things, it is very different world in which we live in now. I have often been chided by some of my more predominantly militant friends for not being “out and proud.” By this I merely mean that they often tell me I’m not political enough. I am “out” by societies standards, I support the HRC and Trevor Projects through monetary support.  I like to lounge around in basketball shorts and hoodies. I am who I am, I am a 35 year old woman who happens to be a lesbian. I am not owned or defined by this. I am who I am and nothing more. I’m a geek, a dork, a loyal friend, and a hard worker (and a bit of a fag hag) before I am anything. Being a lesbian does not define who I am.  It’s just part of who I am. And I guess that’s part of my Pride story. It’s not who I, it’s part of me. No more than what your sexuality or gender identity is to you. I don’t feel like I need to wave a giant rainbow flag, cut my hair short, and adopt a gaggle of homeless animals to make me any more, or less a lesbian. The fact that I love boobs and female nether regions is reason enough. But I didn’t always feel as secure in myself as I do now.

I had my moment of revelation back when I was 18 years old. At that time, I was searching this newly discovered identity for exactly “who” I should be. Who I should identify with. Back in those days, there weren’t a lot of gay and lesbian role models in pop culture. Ellen and Melissa had just come out, and it was very taboo to speak of homosexuality. I’ll never forget the lesbo episode of Roseanne the first time I saw it when Hemingway planted a big ole smooch on Rosie’s face.

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Oh the passion…

Shocking. I latched on to any movie or television reference I could find to help me figure out how I was “supposed” to look and act in my new found baby-dykedom.

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Be it that there wasn’t a whole lot out there at the time, I settled on wearing camo bdu’s, wife beaters, pulling my hair up (because I never quite got the balls to spike it and bleach the tips), swearing a lot, and acting what I thought was butch enough to advertise that I was a lesbo. I even learned the art of hackey sack, so I could mingle in the all the prestigious dyke circles. After that phase, and meeting an older, wiser group of lesbians, I started into the hiking boots, jeans, Oxford, ballcap phase. And softball. Lots and lots of softball. Salt Lake was lucky enough to have an actual Pride softball league, so I got to meet many more different people within the community. I lasted in that phase well into my twenties, until I moved from SL,UT to San Antonio.

Maybe it was being on my own, away from all of the “friends” and influences of a very “out and proud” community; or maybe it was just my own maturity. I didn’t really realize that I finally felt comfortable in my own skin until I stopped caring about who I needed to be, because I was a lesbian. I finally realized that I needed to just be me, who just so happens to be a lesbian.

I’ll forever be a tomboy, I’ll forever love my basketball shorts and hoodies. I’ll forever love to wear girlie lingerie and forever love women’s bodies. That’s what’s really important, and it took me a long time to realize it. The LGBT climate here in San Antonio is very different, compared to that of good ole SL,UT. Gay men are a plenty, and openly well loved; while the lesbians seem to have to fit a mold. A very “butch” mold. I’m guessing that has to do with the Hispanic community and their influence. All the homegrown sa lezzies seem to be stuck in that I’m not sure who I am phase I was in 17 years ago. And these are people that tell me I’m not gay enough because either I don’t fit their identity stereotypes, or am not political enough. To them, and all the baby dykes out there, I have the following words of advice: being part of this community doesn’t mean trying to be something you think you need to be, for one reason or another; being part of this community, and being proud, and having pride, is just simply being who you are. While sexuality is an important part of our identities, it’s not all of who we are; we are all so much more. Stay true to yourself, and of that be proud.

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BB

The Not So Final, Fantasy, Afterall…

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-by Bevianna Bones

The internet is a wonderful thing. I’m surprised it hasn’t broken over the last couple days, what with all the excitement out there. The same day that brought us all tissue filled boxes of rage over the season final of our beloved Game of Thrones, also brought us the most spectacular news the world has ever, ever been told. Bevianna, you say, “Fallout 4 was announced three weeks ago.” Not exactly breaking news anymore, and up until last night, I would agree. So to those, I will say this, “All I ever really wanted was a ballerina Barbie. In her pretty pink tutu…what did they get me? Mali-bu Bar-bie. But that’s not who I was. I was a ballerina. Graceful. Delicate.”

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Insert yet another one of my obscure references here. For those of you that get it, congrats for being as full of random shit as I am. For everyone else, maybe we’ll have to make a special segment to identify and explain all of my obscure jokes I lovingly pepper my posts with.

And in this case, I suppose the collective them have finally broken down and listened to the forlorn cries in the dark of a dying planet, in much, much need of heroes and hope. Yes, folks if you haven’t heard, I’m finally getting my ballerina Barbie in the form of a next gen remake of Final Fantasy VII. Squee!

For those who are wondering, Ballerina Barbie is to Final Fantasy VII Remake, as Mali-bu Bar-bie is to all of the other remakes of Kingdom Hearts and FF X/X-2/XIV et cetera that Square has been pumping out at us for some time now.

Of course, the internet being what it is, there are already fanboys out there bitching that they are some how gonna fuck it up. And while there is that small amount of fear that something so reveared will lose part of its hold it has on our hearts, I say this to you, when has anything I’ve ever reveared so much be a huge disappointment?

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Well, yeah, there was that…

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Oh God’s, I had forgotten about that…

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Oh yeah, and that…anyone wonder how it is that she is still working?

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Alright, alright I get the point. But in fairness, that Howard bit was to promote the new comics. They wouldn’t dream of remaking my favorite piece of cinematic beauty ever?! Would they? Let’s hope not.

All of those things aside, history does teach us lessons, ans Square Enix has always done a marvelous job on all of their revisions of older properties. I have no fears this time around, and if some of the quells of fear I’ve heard turn out to be true, I’ll always have my 3 discs to pop in my PSX. Or fire up my PSP. Or play it on my Vita. Or play it on my PC, whether it be the PC version, or the emulator. I have save files on them all. 

I don’t think that’s going to happen though, the folks behind the game have as much love and reverence for it as the players do. That’s the key thing that has set it apart from all other games for all these years, is the love and craftsmanship behind it.  Now with the power of the PS4, they can make their original vision of that amazingly captivating universe a reality.

If you haven’t seen the E3 trailer, check out the link below. Oh and by the way, if you haven’t bought a PS4 yet, do it, do it now.

But be warned, I actually cried tears of joy when I saw how beautiful this looks. Grab a box of tissues. Matter of fact, you might have some left from Sunday’s Game of Thrones.

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SPOILER ALERT: They killed off another one of your beloved characters…I’m not sure why this surprised anyone at this point.

Anyhow! Off to watch my old school collectors edition of the making of Final Fantasy VII that I got from Squaresoft in the mail almost 20 years ago. Great stuff. And maybe after that, some Chocobo racing and some frolicking at the Gold Saucer. Until next time.

-BB

She-Ra Princess of Power – Into Etheria

  

By Joshie Jaxon 


As if He-Man weren’t enough to make a section of impressionable kids gay, there came a spinoff featuring a female protagonist. You know, to appeal to those who would grow up to admire strong women and fierce divas, as opposed to protein shakes, and weight sets. Don’t believe me? Just watch the intro. There’s a backlit She-Ra, a group shot with billowing hair in front of a rainbow, multicolored glitter streams coming from the sword, and She-Ra surrounded by sparkles. I wasn’t interested in girls, but I wanted to be that bitch. I think we all did. We may have wanted to bang He-Man, but we wanted to be She-Ra. On with the show! 

  

Castle Grayskull, the Sorceress’ chamber. How do we know it’s her? Because despite being in bed, she’s still wearing her eagle face diadem thing. She’s having a nightmare about Hordak holding a baby and stating that he may be defeated, but they’ll never see the child again. He fires a beam at the Sorceress and what appears to be a young Man at Arms. She wakes up, calling out “Adora”, as a sword that looks similar to Adam’s appears above her. She follows it to a door, that is opened when the sword hits it with energy. A glowing portal is there. After all this time. Can it be? 

  

In Randor’s castle, Adam and Cringer are in the kitchen. Adam is mixing something in a bowl. Cringer wants it now, but a work of art like Adam’s famous spiced bread takes time. His words, not mine. Totally straight. Nothing out of the ordinary here. That is, until the Sorceress talks to him via telepathy, and summons him before her. Looks like Man at Arms won’t get his spiced bread. He’s still holding a grudge from missing the Eternian white party during the last pilot. Women are always ruining his time with Adam. Getting to play with He-Man is only going to work another few dozen times before he gives up. If only he knew how to quit him. Has anyone made Brokeback Grayskull yet? Someone should. 

  

In front of the glowing portal of mystery, Adam questions where it leads. Sorceress doesn’t know. The door has never opened before. Yet she wants him to go through it, and find someone in the world it leads to. He’s snarky about it, and with good reason. Hard to take him seriously though, in a plunging v-neck pink tunic, but I digress. She can’t go herself, she’s powerless outside of Grayskull. The Sorceress uses her spirit fingers, and the sword materializes for Adam. Why, aside from the jewel, it looks just like his. Too bad she can’t tell him who he’s looking for. Sick of his sass, she tells him to stop asking questions. She can’t tell him anything until he finds the sword’s owner. The universe may depend on his success. Time for Adam to enter an unknown hole. Perhaps this one will lead to glory. 

  

They arrive in Etheria, and it’s brighter and more colorful than Eternia. Cringer is still hungry, so they head to a nearby village, and the Laughing Swan Inn. They have live music, and a full bar. A hooded figure in the corner asks his pink friend with rainbow colored ears, Kowl, if the stranger is part of the Horde. Adam and Cringer ask for food, and the barkeep is surprised Cringer can talk. Doesn’t everybody? Cringer orders fish, and when it arrives, he sucks it clean off the bone. He’s learned a thing or two peeking through Eternian keyholes. Three metal plated people come through the door, and Cringer hides. Adam doesn’t like the look of them. The hooded stranger says they’re Hordesmen, and readies his bow. Turns out his name is also Bow. Not Beau, Bow. Gotta keep it simple, they’re marketing to girls. Ah, the 80’s.

  

The Hordesmen tell the musician to keep playing. He does, but the song he’s playing isn’t to their liking. One uses his probe-looking device to cut the strings on the harp. The music maker calls him a wretch, and that’s a big no no. The Hordesman intimidates him, has him on his knees, and asks if the music maker knows what he’s going to do to him. That scene with Chris Meloni from Oz, comes to mind. Adam tells him to apologize. Bow says that the stranger is brave. Kowl says he’s stupid. The Hordesmen tells Adam he has a loose tongue. Eternian restroom rimming rumors shouldn’t have made it to Etheria. Must be the purple tights, and fur undies. 

  

As the Hordesmen attack, Adam takes care of one, while Bow uses his bow to take out the weapons of the other two. Adam is dressed modestly compared to Bow, who is essentially wearing shoulder pads with a heart on the chest, and attached cape. Gotta show off the arms and the abs. This is for straight girls, after all. Adam and Bow fight the Hordesmen while Kowl hides with Cringer. Bow says he’s not a citizen, he’s a rebel. Adam thanks him, and Bow says it was his pleasure. Adam is far enough from Eternia that I’m sure Man at Arms won’t get jealous. What happens on Etheria, stays in Etheria. 

  

The industrial city/castle of the Horde. Hordak is given a report of the trouncing that his three minions took. Shadow Weaver tells him that her dark magic has shown her that a stranger has appeared on Etheria. He brings the seed of doom for the Horde. Too bad her spells can no longer find him. Catra wonders if the stranger could have been the one that beat their troops. Hordak orders Force Captain Adora to him. He’s going to teach the stranger a lesson about messing with the evil Horde. He changes his arm into a cannon, and shoots an innocent nearby rock. You know, cause he’s evil. 

  

Looks like a version of Brokeback Grayskull was made after all. We see Bow and Adam on a horse, with the latter holding Bow’s waist. They’re in Whispering Woods, HQ of the rebellion. A guard jumps out , and scares Cringer up a tree. Kowl chastises him for scaring their allies. Bow orders him to go tell Glimmer that they have some new recruits. He then tells Adam of the great rebellion. Cringer comments that it doesn’t look that great. Kowl agrees. 

  

In the leader’s tent, Glimmer sees Adam for the first time, and gets all tongue tied. Outside, Sprag shouts that Madame is coming. We see a lady who looks a bit like Orko but with legs, flying in her broom. Bow and Sprag guess how many trees she’ll hit on her landing. Such good friends. Three it was. Madame Razz’s broom reminds her of the message she was supposed to deliver. Help me Bowie-Wan, you’re my only hope. Oops, wrong franchise. The whole village that Bow and Adam were in is under arrest. Bow offers to turn himself in to spare the village. Adam says there has to be another way. Razz says there’s a force captain, and four terrible villains there. They don’t stand a chance. Adam says he might have a friend who can help.

  

In the village, the people are being loaded into a slave ship. Glimmer says Razz can free them while the rest of them attack. Cringer looks ready to wet himself. What about Adam’s friend? Oh, he’ll be ready when it’s time. Meanwhile, Catra says this won’t work to draw out the rebels. Mantenna says they should have fun and destroy the village. Scorpia says SHE’d never let them. Leech says she shouldn’t be leading them. If she weren’t Hordak’s favorite… Adora shows up and tells them to be on guard. Catra purrs that they’re ready for anything. Careful what you wish for, sweetie.

  

Bow fires an arrow that becomes fireworks, and the rebellion attacks. Glimmer catches Scorpia in purple light. Mantenna uses his eye beams to hex the rebels. Catra lowers her tiara down to mask level and morphs into a panther. She goes after Glimmer, who blinks away for a second before reappearing. Too bad Leech grabs her, and drains her power. Bow to the rescue! Cause a show about a strong female lead needs to show that you still need a man to save you. Oops, spoke too soon. Catra pounces on Bow, and Scorpia threatens to use her pincers on him. 

  

By the power of Grayskull, he has the power! About damn time, Adam. Bitch needed a dramatic entrance. Bow is caught between Scorpia at his back, and Leech draining him from the front. Not like that! 80’s kids show, people. As Bow falls to the ground, Adora says that should take care of the rebels. He-Man tells them they haven’t won yet, and to let his friends go. Adora fires on him, and he knocks the blast away, and it hits Leech. Battlecat knocks the mask off Catra, and she reverts to human form. Scorpia goes after He-Man. He says she’s not very ladylike, or much of a lady anyway. He flings her into a melon cart. Battlecat chases Catra, and before he can help, Adora orders Mantenna to go after He-Man. He uses his hexing eye beams to weaken He-Man. Sprag hits him with pepper, and Mantenna sneezes himself into a wall. 

  

He-Man throws his sword at Adora, and knocks her gun away. Battlecat catches the sword. Adora flees, with He-Man chasing after her. Only time he’s pursued a girl in his life. She leads him into a hut and grabs a sword. He draws the sword the Sorceress have him, and breaks hers. The sword begins to glow. We see Adora’s face on the jewel. She’s the one! The one he’s been looking for! A Hordesmen blasts him from behind, and he goes down. Please don’t snap his neck after. Adora picks up the sword, as “to be continued” appears on the screen. 

  

He-Man and the Masters of the Universe – The Cosmic Comet

  

By Joshie Jaxon


He is Adam, Prince of Eternia, and defender of the secrets of Castle Grayskull. His companion, Cringer is his fearless friend. Cause, with a name like Cringer, you’ve gotta be fearless. Fabulous secrets were revealed to Adam when he held his sword aloft and said, “By the power of Grayskull, I have the power!”. It transformed Cringer into the mighty Battlecat, while Adam became He-Man, the most powerful man in the universe. Only three people know his secret. Their friend the Sorceress, Man at Arms, and Orko. Together, they defend Castle Grayskull from the evil forces of Skeletor. Now that’s an intro that gets all the exposition out of the way, so that we can dive right in. 

  

We open on Castle Grayskull with Evil-Lyn and Beast Man stating that the stars are just right, and the cosmic comet is passing. Time to open the gates of Grayskull. Evil-Lyn’s eyes glow, and the drawbridge opens, revealing He-Man and Man at Arms. He-Man calls Beast Man fur face, and the latter takes offense. To add injury to insult, He-Man tosses him off the bridge into a lake of mud. I swear that Beast Man says “fuck”, but as this was 1983, and a kids show, I’m sure it was really “suck”. Dude needs to enunciate better. Evil-Lyn attempts to conjure energy bolts to hit He-Man, but they backfire, and she falls in the mud too. Evil-Lyn swears they’ll be back. He-Man says they should clean up first. He’s a little OCD on cleanliness. The Sorceress tells He-Man that it was only a test, and they need to find the comet’s keeper, Zagraz. Where can he be found? Zagraz mountain, of course. Well, that’s convenient.

  

In the throne room, Man at Arms is telling the king and queen that he and Adam need to go away on a secret mission for the good of the kingdom. *cough Eternia white party *cough. King Randor says if it’s so important, Teela should go too. Adam and MaA exchange a look that clearly says, cock blocked. Orko invites himself along as well, and Randor refuses. That is, until Orko offers to practice for the banquet. Randor quickly changes his mind. Again, Adam and MaA look at each other. Dude, really? We’re never alone any more. Poor, frustrated muscle men.

  

Snake Mountain, Skeletor says the time has come. He joins hands with Beast Man and Evil-Lyn so they can join their powers. Since when does Beast Man have powers? I know it’s episode one and all, but come on. One of these things is not like the other… Whatever. Let their evil grow! They summon an energy orb, and send it after the comet. A short moment later, Skeletor says the cosmic comet is under his control, and then proceeds to wave his arms in the air like he just don’t care. White party weekend, y’all! 

  

Adam, Cringer and company travel in a tank, with automated voice response technology. Man at Arms tells it to stop, and it confirms, then asks for instructions. Cringer tells it to turn back. Bad kitty! They arrive on Zagraz Mountain, and he’s glad to have the company. It’s been one, no, two hundred years since he’s had visitors. They ask Zagraz about the cosmic comet, and he says it’s all his fault. There used to be two, but he accidentally destroyed one during a display of his power. The other comet grew lonely without it’s friend. It lost it’s heart. Zagraz feels bad for what he did. Teela reassures him that anyone can make a mistake. That’s great and all, but Zagraz can’t control the comet, and Skeletor can.

  

Speaking of Skeletor, he’s busy telling Beast Man that they need to take care of Zagraz, as he could try to interfere, despite losing confidence in himself after his little mistake. Skeletor orders the comet to send creatures to capture Zagraz. Adam sees them coming, and he and Teela run. He trips, and she goes back for him, so that she can knock him out of the way of the incoming comets. They land, and take humanoid shape. Zagraz says they were made from the comet’s power, but they aren’t alive; they’re more like golems. Cringer ain’t having it, and runs off. Adam is right on his paws, er, heels. Teela attempts to blast one, but nothing happens. Orko tells us that it was Teela’s freeze ray. Man at Arms tries his blaster, but it’s deflected back at him. This isn’t good. 

  

Adam found the cave Cringer was hiding in, and tells him they have work to do. Cringer refuses. That is of course, until Adam pulls out his sword, gets all hunky, and shoots his white magic all over Cringer. Make it rain! He-Man mounts his newly confident Battlecat, and rides to save his friends. Meanwhile, Zagraz tries and fails to control the comet creatures. He-Man smashes them to pieces. Around that time, Teela comes to. She asks where Adam is, and doesn’t get an answer. Zagraz is upset that Skeletor controls the comet. Orko collects the pieces of the comet creatures, and stores them in hammer space. They need to get back to Grayskull. 

  

The Sorceress says she should be able to help Zagraz. He-Man says it’s time to visit Skeketor. Only problem is, Skeketor can see that he’s coming, and sends Beast Man to slow him down. While he does that, Evil-Lyn will help Skeletor summon the comet to defeat He-Man once and for all. On the road to Skeletor, He-Man and the tank discuss old bone head. No one mentions that Adam is still technically missing, and so is Cringer. You’d think He-Man would be better at not blowing his cover story. Then again, if he’s always busy blowing, never mind. Beast Man tries to block their path, but the tank drives right over it. They shoot the wings off his plane, and send him crashing into another puddle of mud. Filthy beast! 

  

On top of Snake Mountain, all covered with cheese… Sorry. Skeletor and Evil-Lyn are holing hands. He orders the comet to raise their powers, so that they can defeat He-Man. The comets blasts them with energy, and Skeletor feels so good, he jumps down the mountain, landing in front of He-Man and the tank. Skeletor tells him to greet Eternia’s new ruler. He-Man calls him a villain, and is blasted for his trouble. Evil-Lyn celebrates the defeat of He-Man. Skeletor reminds her that he’s the one who controls the comet. In a rare display of 80’s villain competency, Evil-Lyn says they should chain He-Man and crew up. As Skeletor tells her not to worry, they are teleported away. Damn that Sorceress. No more games. Time to set the comet on Castle Grayskull. 

  

In Zagraz chamber, the Sorceress says that there’s nothing she can do to stop the comet. Apparently she can teleport three people, but not a chunk of space rock. Zagraz says if they make another cosmic comet, and fill it with light, maybe that will cancel out the other one. If only they had comet pieces. Oh wait, they do. Orko releases the pieces from hammer space. Teela is so happy she could kiss him. Zagraz says the Sorceress will have to meld all the pieces together again. Still no mention of the missing Adam and Cringer, by the way. Zagraz says to touch the reconstituted comet stone, and to focus on the good and light. The new comet glows, and thanks them for allowing it’s heart to beat once more. Talking comet, cause why not? 

  

In the backup jet, Beast Man asks Skeletor if it’s safe. What if Grayskull wasn’t destroyed. Stupid coward, nothing can stop it now. Besides, he wants to watch it happen. He’s kinky like that. Alright, let’s just pause a moment. Nowhere in the opening, or this episode, have they explained why Skeletor wants Grayskull as much as he does. All we know for sure is that he’s the bad guy, just because he’s the one with the skull head. Maybe he’s trying to free Eternia from Randor’s rule, and gay heir, in Adam. We don’t know. Maybe Evil-Lyn was Evelyn until some bitch in high school called her Evil-Lyn, and it stuck. Poor villains. 

  

Zagraz is told by He-Man to get the comet into the sky. He can’t. If he makes another mistake… He-Man doesn’t care about your mistake. Try harder. Zagraz pleads with the comet to fly, but with no confidence, it’s just not happening. I’m sensing a theme. In an effort to buy time, the Sorceress uses her spirit fingers to send He-Man flying at the cosmic comet. He collides with it, but since they’re in the air, with no traction for his feet, I’m not sure how much of a delay they expected to cause. Teela pep talks Zagraz some more, and he managers to get it up for her. The comet, you pervs. The comets collide as He-Man falls to the ground. The talking comets thank them all for their help. Zagraz thanks the group for having faith in him, when he didn’t. Awww

  

Meanwhile, the comets pass by Skeletor, sending him spinning out of control, and shouting He-Man’s name. Hey, it wouldn’t be the first time. The episode ends with Adam sitting with his eyes closed, as balls circle his face. Wouldn’t be the first time for that either. There’s no explanation for where he’d been, or how he got back. Maybe they assumed he snuck to the white party after all. In yet another, wouldn’t be the first time, Adam loses control of his balls, and almost sends one up Orko’s ass. Goodnight everybody! 

  

The moral of the story is to have confidence in yourself, even if you fail. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, again. No really, that’s the lesson. Man at Arms said so.