Yearly Archives: 2015

My Little Pony – The End of Flutter Valley, Part 1

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Joshie Jaxon

Alright, before I even get into this piece of childhood nostalgia, as an adult, I want to point out that the ponies premier adventure is ten, that’s right, ten parts long. Thank Cher that they’re only ten minutes apiece. I don’t know if I could take 200 minutes of inaugural pony action. It’s nothing like the donkey show I saw in Tiaju- never mind.

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After the opening credits with “My little pony. My little pony”, we see a winged pony playing in what I presume is giant dandelions. He/she/it scares Baby Cuddles. Dear Oprah is it gonna be this cute the whole time? Cuddles crashes into a mini dragon that sounds like Buster Bunny. Since they haven’t said his name, I’m gonna call him Buster Dragon, which makes him sound like a Yugioh card. What’s that? I’m stalling to avoid the cuteness? You don’t know me.

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The ponies, and Buster Dragon, are heading for Flutter Valley; The most beautiful place in all of Pony Land. Little do they know they are being watched from a cauldron. Hydia, who sounds like Mom from Futurama, must be related to Mumm-Ra, since they use the same voyeuristic viewing methods. For my own amusement I shall call her Momm-Ra. She wants to ruin the ponies celebration. She has her daughter-minions go to take care of them. They ask how, and she screams, “Any button! They all retaliate!”. Ok, she actually reminds them they’re witches, and says that’s how.

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The witches, who seem very backwoods redneck, head out to stop the ponies. Beulah May and Ruby Sue, not their real names. This show isn’t big on naming people so far, so I have to. One says to grab them. The other says there are too many to grab. They need a plan. Beulah May falls into some mud, eats some worms, and uses magic to turn some flowers into a lasso. Wonder Woman she ain’t.

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A pony with jewel shaped eyes says she hopes they haven’t missed the celebration. Uh, if you’re invited guests, I’m sure they won’t start the party without ya. The backwoods witches from the volcano of gloom start capturing ponies. The ponies tell Buster Dragon to go for help. He gets caught too. Oh no! Momm-Ra watches from cauldron cam, and tells her rats how proud she is of her girls. She’s so proud!

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Flutter Valley. We see several ponies with butterfly style wings flying around. They wonder why the ponies are late. I hope nothing happened. What could happen? It’s a beautiful day, the sun is shining, and life is wonderful! Actual dialogue. Oh sweet Midler help me though this. We’re only half done. The Flutter Ponies see that the other ponies were captured. They switch to flutter power, and release cotton spores or something, making the witches sneeze, and allowing the ponies to get away. Momm-Ra will not be pleased.

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Queen Flutter Pony sits beneath a jewel, pontificating about how wonderful and beautiful the sun is. Ruby Sue and Beulah May are gonna try again. QFP declares this day to be Sun Tuesday. Sun-Day would have made more sense. Oh well. As we pan out on the ritualistic ruins they’re in, the jewel glows, and all the ponies sing about how great the sun is. Clearly these ponies have never been in Phoenix during August. The sun’s not so great when you’re Irish. Am I bitter? Absolutely. Zoidberg chic isn’t just an oxymoron, it’s implausible.

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The bumbling witches decide to try something simple this time. Cause, you know, lassoes are complicated. Oh! Let’s try a landslide! Really, ladies? Alright. There’s no way this can go wrong. As the witches try to get their land sliding on this light flow day, the Bushwoolies offer some bush melons to QFP. Does “bush melon” sound dirty to anyone else? No? Moving on. The pony holding the chocolate cake looked baked. Maybe she’s Hash Pony.

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The ponies hear rumbling as the landslide starts. QFP says “run, my little ponies. Fly away my little flutter ponies. Hide, Bushwoolies, hide!”. Thanks, but if rocks are falling, I will figure out that I need to escape without being told. Thanks, your majesty. I can see why you’re queen. I was gonna pose the question whose little ponies they all were, but that answered that. Buster dragon questions what they can do to stop the sun stone from falling. Maybe securing it rather than perching it precariously would be a good start. Credits.

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What? Credits? They can’t end on a hoof-biting cliffhanger like that. I can’t sleep not knowing, oh who am I kidding. Thank the almighty Judy that it’s over. There was too much cuteness crammed into those ten minutes. I need to watch something rugged and manly after that. I know! He-Man and the Masters of the Universe! Stop laughing!

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-JJ

Quiz and Dragons

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–by Bevianna Bones

Ok, so I got distracted from writing this the last time I was going to post it, but now it’s here for real real.  Quiz and Dragons. An arcade game from Capcom circa 1992. Bevianna, you say, with snark, that the 90s were not the 80s to which I reply to you, the early 90s might have still been the 80s since the early 90s hadn’t really stepped into the dream of the 90s yet, and possessed a very 80s flair to it. It works this way with all decades really. The early 80s still have that late 70s feel, the early millennia was still shaking off pieces of the late 90s, and so on and so forth. So in any event, I declare early 90s as on the official table for the sake of retro reviews. Wanna feel old? It was 25 years ago. Some of you readers probably weren’t even born. And what else is more retro than an  arcade game and the joy of playing one.?

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What is an arcade? Oh please tell me you jest, but just to clarify for those who joined the world after the mid 90s, an arcade was just about the happiest place on earth one would go to play games. The beautiful standup machines and pinball tables all lined up like soilders, demos playing and lights flashing, just begging you for your hard earned quarters. Hard earned because you were a kid of course and had to do menial tasks for your parents or neighbors to get them. Is that enough of an intro or what? On with the game!

Quiz & Dragons premise is quite a mixed bag, and quite a step from nearly every game that Capcom has ever made. The company that brought you major game franchises; Street Fighter, Darkstalkers, Marvel vs Capcom, Final Fight, D&D, even more recently Resident Evil; now brings us gamers a board game, fantasy game, rpg, and trivia game all in a solid and enaging tale.  You see here’s what happened:

Capconia was a peaceful kingdom. Thanks to the power of the “Seed of Wisdom”. The citizens were able to lead their lives in quiet happiness.
The Wisdom Seed: In the hands of the just man it could be used to insure peace. However, a man with evil in his heart could use it’s power to bring down a curtain of dark-ness on the world.

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Dark-ness is particularly frightening…

One day the evil warlock “Gordian” invaded Capconia with a host of his foulest Mon-sters and seized the wisdom seed.

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Mon-sters are the just the worst…

After using the Seed to endow his Mon-sters with evil wisdom, the warlock Gordian launched his assault on the good people of the land. The monsters forced the citizens to answer very difficult questions. Those who could not answer correctly were promptly eaten.
The sage king, Hateba VI, selected the four wisest and bravest in the land and ordered them to recover the Wisdom Seed.
You, the brave… The chosen… You must use your wisdom and strength to save our world.

God! Is that not the most engaging storyline? I am certainly popping a quarter into this bad boy! Stick your quarter in and hit start and away you go to the character selection screen

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“Stop! In the name of love”-Wizard

Each of the four characters possess a different skill to make your journey more feasible. Fighter recovers vitality quickly! Wizard can change category often! Amazon can sometimes cut 1 or 2 choices! Ninja can cause double damage!  Oh what to pick what to pick…hurry you can’t think on it too long or the game will just go on and pick for you. The best choice depends on how you are playing. If you only have a few quarters, go with fighter as he recovers some health as you go. If you’re a dummy and only know a little about certain subjects, go with Wizard. If you are in for the long haul go with Ninja as he will deal double damage and you will complete the game quicker. And of course, if you want to be marveled by amazing thunder thighs, cries of “ya!”, and the power of only two choices on some questions, go with Amazon. (Guess which one my favorite is…ya!)

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Yes, that’s Ninja and not Amazon, I’m trying to get through this quickly for the sake of the article.

Gameplay begins and you are at the start of the first board, or stage. Stage 1:Woods of Legend, is pretty small and straightforward. The dice rolls and that’s how many spaces you move. In the example, a roll of 5 or 6 would take Ninja to Wyvern. However, in the roll of 3, which was rolled, Ninja will be battling Mage. Such excitement!

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The questions, are dated at best, but some more so than others.

When you battle your opponent, you are taken to the trivia part of the game. This is the quiz part and the main part of the game. Not to be confused with the Dragon part, who are merely Gordian’s puppets to wreak havoc open the land of Capconia!!

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The dragons are masters of taunting.

Each enemy you face has a certain amount of life and you take one life from them for each of the answers that you answer correctly, get a question wrong and you the hero, the chosen, lose one.

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Fighter gasps in agony!

Complete the stage by rolling through the board and to the stage boss. After taking down the boss, they will taunt you more about facing Gordian, and you will be taken to the map to select your next stage. Spoiler alert: Play through all 7 stages and you will face Gordian himself!!

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As you travel through each board, they get increasingly more and more complex, with multiple routes and mini bosses along the way.

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Such choices…the path to the inn through the pudding, golem, wyvern, golem, or mage, golem, wyvern, golem. Oh the complexity!

Throughout the boards, there are not just enemies, there are also spaces to help you on your journey. Inns and Elfs. For answering a measly one question, the purveyor of each will either restore your health or give you a useful item. Such as a ring that will show you the correct answer on the next quiz, or a staff that will make the next quiz only have 2 or 3 choices.

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I’m sure she will!

And that’s basically it, like I said the game goes on for 7 stages until you face and defeat Gordian himself and save the Wisdom Seed and restore peace to Capconia. Or until you run out of quarters. Or you get bored. High emphasis on the third choice here. After about 4 stages it gets taxing to stay invested. But, I have completed it several times, and I will tell you that the ending is worth staying around for in about the same manner that the opening scene was for wetting your whistle to play. Ok ok, I won’t tease, I’ll show you what happens.

This is not my video, but sadly the damn thing wouldn’t upload, so a link to the YouTube’s it is.

Fin.
-BB

Character Crush – Peter Parker

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-by Joshie Jaxon

Picture it; Sicily 1962. A lone comic book writer creates a comic character so awesome that he’s still around over 50 years later. Readers, that lone comic book writer was me, and that character, was Peter Parker, Spider-Man. Sorry. I’ll try not to have Golden Girls on as background noise when I write.

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Seriously, how awesome is Peter Parker? Granted, he didn’t start out that way. He was not only a loser, he was interested in science. Poor Peter was never gonna get the girl, and that was fine with me. I could relate to Peter. I wasn’t a science nerd, but I was still a geek. I loved comics, cartoons, and games. Still do. There was a period when such things weren’t as chic and celebrated as they are now. I was so ahead of my time.

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I can’t say that Spider-Man was my first comic ever, that honor goes to Eastman and Laird’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Adventures, I can say that my first Marvel Super Hero comic was Spider-Man. It was the early 90’s, during the Trial of Peter Parker portion of the Clone Saga. I can still remember what store I got it at. It made that much of an impact on my life. I’d found a character that I could relate to. I too, had a clone. Kidding, of course, but how awesome would that be?

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Peter was everything a closeted teenage boy could want. Actually, I only knew I was different, I didn’t quite understand what gay was at the time. Anyhow, Peter had a great body, and never missed a chance to show it off. He’s got a variety of costumes, but I’ll cover those in a later post. Not just exposed flesh, but a skin-tight outfit made for an accelerated heart rate to say the least. Though as I covered in my Nate Grey post, it wasn’t enough for me to risk ruining my books over, the way certain older men do with a maxim. Damn close though.

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Speaking of Nate Grey, he and Peter became friends. On their initial meeting, they skipped the obligatory fight, and opted to go for coffee instead. Tea for Nate, naturally. If only MJ hadn’t been in the picture, things might have ended differently. I’ll just leave this picture right here.

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Not only is our web-slinger super smart, he’s also funny. Peter has a quip for nearly all of the villains in his rogues gallery. From calling Vulture, vulchy, Green Goblin, gobby, to telling Hydro Man the dogs must love him, Peter showed me that there are ways to deal with bad guys besides violence. I dunno if Spider-Man influenced my own wit or not, but I’ll give him partial credit. I was an impressionable teen after all. Though, like Peter, I didn’t come into my own until after high school.

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Peter isn’t without his share of pain. He lost his uncle at a young age, and was semi responsible. He lost what was very well the love of his life at the hands of a madman. He lost what would be considered a brother to him, in the form of Scarlet Spider, Ben Reilly. He and MJ even lost their daughter. Those last three were all to the same nutcase, whose personal mission is to destroy Peter’s life.

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Despite life and villains knocking him down, Peter always gets back up, ready to face the next challenge head on. After all, with great power comes great responsibility.

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-JJ

Glorious Girls of Gaming – Birdo

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by Joshie Jaxon

Birdo started out as a villain in Super Mario Bros 2. Unlike Wart and Fry Guy, Birdo is a boss that we encounter several times through the game, with various abilities. Mostly an egg spitter, occasionally fireballs are hurled at Mario, Luigi, Toad, and Princess Peach/Toadstool.
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Although the events of SMB2 turned out to be nothing more than a dream. Oops, Spoiler Alert on a 27 year old game, my bad. Where was I? Oh yeah, even though it was a dream, the Shy Guys and Birdo made the leap into Mario’s reality. While the Shy Guys appeared as villains in other games, like Yoshi’s Island, Birdo wasn’t cast as a villain again. Instead, Birdo was invited to go karting, play golf, party and even went to the Olympics with Sonic and the main Mario cast.
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You may have noticed that I’ve been referring to Birdo by name, but not she or her. That’s because I wanted to touch on the alleged controversy about Birdo. In the original manual for SMB2, we learn that Birdo is male, but thinks he’s a girl. Granted this was 1988, but since then people have been confused about what gender Birdo is.
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I don’t understand the confusion. Birdo identifies a a girl. I don’t know what her species is, or what level of gender reassignment is available in the Mushroom Kingdom, but that shouldn’t matter. For all intents and purposes, Birdo is a girl, and should be treated as such. It isn’t our place to push onto her what we feel is right or wrong.
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She’s been paired as a couple with Yoshi, and the two have been called boyfriend and girlfriend. That should speak volumes. I’m sure they’ve spoken, and Yoshi knows all about Birdo’s history, and loves her for who she is. Most modern game descriptions refer to her as “she”, but is that a sign of respecting who she is, or are we trying to retcon her status as the premier trans character of gaming? That’s not for me to decide.
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In the end, Birdo knows exactly who she is. She was a villain that found an accepting group of friends that love and support her. She is the first transgender woman of gaming, and to me, that’s pretty glorious.
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-JJ


Quiz & Dragons?…not today…

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–by Bevianna Bones

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Good afternoon readers, I was in the midst of preparing today’s entry for you, which was going to be about a Capcom classic of the days of aracdia gone by, but I got distracted by the television I had on while I as preparing the screenshots for the segment.  The Today show was on, primarily for background noise, when I heard a name alll too familiar to me.  I looked up from the controls of my MAME cabinet (and what was becoming an epic game of Quiz & Dragons) to see on my screen a beautiful Lucy Lawless in a vintage inspired little red and white polka dot frock.  My heart leaped. I was inspired to bring you a mini on Lucy instead.

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It isn’t often here on Triple G that Joshie and I get personal, so consider today a treat. It is taxday after all, and some of us could probably use a little pick me up.  Here goes, but, it’s a little know fact, but your dear Bevianna got her blogging start years ago writing and doing artwork for the XMV (Xena Music Videos) website (and of course the Rant of Randomess…RIP).  I wrote episode reviews, did illustrations, and got into word scraps with, what I presume were, old lonely dykes who wanted to argue that Willow and Tara were a better couple than Xena and Gabs. Please. Anywho, I was with them for a couple of years until I got into a tiff with the site admins over the use of my artworks and then I had to unfourtunately pull the plug on them. 

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They will always be mine, britches…

Seeing Lucy while I was writing about Q & D for you folks just brought it all back. Consider it a character crush entry if you please, but really, once I saw her I was transported back to another time.  A time of ancient gods, kings, and warlords..a land in turmoil cried out for a hero…her name was Xena…a mighty princess forged in the heat of battle…

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Ok, enough with the Xena reference.  She’s done a whole lot of other things since then, in fact, it wasn’t the 20th anniversary of Xena she was on the show for, it was for her new role, of what she calls a “witchiepoo” on the second season of Salem. Good move Salem, now you have aquired the entire xenaverse of fandom. 

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Ever wonder why she is still working? Primairily because the Xenaverse is something special. A conglomeration of geekdoom and the pride following that makes us lesbos follow everything any cast member of the LWord has ever done. Sparatacus? Good show, but the Xenaverse made it go on after it should have. Lucy on BSG? Great sci-fi, but after Lucy joined the cast as a Cylon, even better. Eurotrip would have been nearly unwatchable if it weren’t for Madamme Vaandersexx. And who else could make the perfect mate and conqueror to Ron Swanson? 

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Seems I’ve gone off on a tangent.  But anywho, I still love lucy.  She’s a great entertainer and comedian who has been unfortunately doomed to one role for eternity, all the meanwhile that curse has given her the fanbase to propell other doomed shows into their very own cult followings.  Too bad she never showed up on Seeker or Firefly, maybe she would have saved them with the power of the Xenaverse. Who knows? Anything is possible.  For now, however, its back to Quiz and Dragons…I’m about to conquer the Wyvern at the Chateau of Avalon…and I’ve used the Power of Two Choices!
-BB

Heathcliff – The Great Pussini

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-by Joshie Jaxon

Yes, that’s the actual title of his first episode. This one is gonna write itself. We open on Heathcliff caterwauling on a fence. The old man that he lives with, Grandpa Nutmeg, looks out the window, shakes his head, and closes it. Heathcliff has an audience of several cats, including his leading lady, Sonja. That is, of course, until something draws their attention. Whatever could it be? Let’s find out.

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There’s a poster for the great Pussini, and it has all the cats, including Sonja, ready to swoon. Heathcliff shreds the poster, as Wordsworth, Hector, and Mongo, on loan from Riff Raff, oh wait, we don’t know who Riff Raff is yet. He’s the tan cat in the opening credits. Anyhow, the trio come up and mock Heathcliff’s singing abilities. Teaching children the best way to handle someone who criticizes you, Heathcliff unsheathes his claws, and shows them who’s boss. That’s right kids, if someone doesn’t like the way you do something, kick their ass. It’ll establish dominance, and people like that.

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A limo pulls up to the theater, and Pussini gets out. Category is, Ringmaster Realness. Let’s take a moment to appreciate this. Cat gets out of a limo fully dressed, to screaming cat fans holding signs. I mention this because we’ve established there are people in this world, and for all intents and purposes, these are normal cats that just talk to one another. However, there is no human handler for Pussini, or any of the others for the rest of the episode. Yes, that’s where I draw the line for my suspension of disbelief. Where were we?

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Oh yes, Sonja is swooning, and ready to do whatever the celebrity cat wants. He takes her into the limo, and they drive off. Um, where were the stranger danger lessons in the 80’s? I get these are cats, but- Wait, I remember now. Butters’ dad said it’s ok as long as it’s a limousine. You go Sonja. Go get your naughty on. Kidding. This is a kids show. They do classic things, like a boat ride, with an umbrella to keep out the sun. Yes, really.

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Not giving up without a fight, and having made the other three his bitches, Heathcliff takes his newfound minions to try and get Sonja back. His attempts are met with a Wile-like level of failure. He snags the wrong boat. His dynamite backfires. The minions jump into a boat of humans at the tunnel of love. Yes, the humans are still around, yet oddly, it is a cat limo driver that drops Sonja off so Pussini can go rehearse. Just go with it, it’s easier if you just go with it.

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Cut to the night of the concert. Since the star is a cat, there’s no security. Heathcliff and the others get backstage with no problem. We see Pussini sans his mane, and getting cinched into his corset. Yes, the cat is in a corset. Stranger things have happened. The real question is, is Pussini Bianca Del Rio’s cat, or Adore’s? Based on what’s about to go down, I’d say he doesn’t belong to Adore. Maybe Gia.

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On the main stage, Pussini is singing his heart out. Sonja looks on from the box, and can’t wait until after the show. Heathcliff, serving up shrubbery couture, sneaks up on Pussini, and cuts him out of the corset. Like a true performer, Pussini keeps right on singing. Ru told him not to f*ck it up. Pulling his next shady cat move, Heathcliff works on snatching the diva’s wig. Once that’s been done, it’s time for the giant fan. As Pussini gets blown away, we see that he has indeed been lip synching for his life. Debbie Reynolds has been singing offstage for Pussini. Girl, you know it’s true. Side note, I hope you appreciate these great references, they’re wasted on today’s youth.

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Having created a she-mergency, Heathcliff steps in to finish the performance, and like any all-star, he’ll do it live! The audience applauds and throws bouquets of flowers. That’s what it’s all about. You go Heathcliff! Seeing Sonja had left, he runs outside to see her leaving in the limo, with the real voice behind Pussini. We see them snuggling together, as Heathcliff quips “there’s no accounting for taste”. You’ve got that right. Your gal is kind of a, what’s the word I’m looking for? Slut? No. Whore? No. Friendly port? That’s the one! Thanks, Ma.

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–JJ