Yearly Archives: 2015

Woody Woodpecker – Knock Knock

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-by Joshie Jaxon

The first appearance of Woody Woodpecker was back in November 1940. 75 years is a long time for a ‘pecker to be active, and he’s doing it nicely. His original voice was the legendary Mel Blanc, of Looney Tunes fame. During his debut, Woody wasn’t the star, it was actually an Andy Panda serial that allowed us to see Woody’s nuts. Yes, I plan on making genital jokes. Yes, I know it’s low hanging fruit. Yes, I know that was another one. On with the cartoon.

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We open with little Andy asking his dad if you can really catch a bird by putting salt on it’s tail. Ever the devoted father, Papa Panda tells Andy that he’s busy. We get a shot of the desk, and see the racing form he’s looking over. Today’s entries –
1- Eczema … Scratch this one
2- Bustle … Will bring up the rear
3- Opium … This is a dope
4- Noon Hour … Twelve to one
I didn’t make those up, but damn if I don’t love a good pun.

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We hear knocking, and Papa checks the door, but there’s no one there. Knock, check, repeat. Knock, check, repeat. Growing increasingly frustrated, Papa rips the door of it’s hinges, and sets it inside. The knocking continues, and Papa breaks the door into pieces. Smart little Andy tells him it’s that woodpecker again, and points at the roof, where we see the tip of the pecker’s pecker coming through the ceiling. Papa turns positively purple, and goes up to get his hands on that thrusting Woody. Woody pokes his head through the glory hole he just made and says, “Guess who?”. Girl, it’s supposed to be anonymous.

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Papa heads up to the roof, as Woody hops around continuing to peck at it. Andy climbs up the ladder, bringing a shotgun to his anger management issues father. Being so full of rage, Papa has a precarious performance issue, and can’t get his gun to fire. It’s alright, Papa, I hear it happens to a lot of guys. Brain trust that he is, Papa looks into the barrel of the allegedly loaded shotgun, as Woody takes it from him and gets it to fire on the first try. Ah, youth.

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Andy decides to take a turn, and goes after Woody with a salt shaker. Kid, you can’t just a-salt him. Cue groan from reader, and moving on. Woody grows massive, and starts dripping with, let’s go with rage. He tells Andy the last one that tried to get him from behind was torn limb from limb. Alright, we get it, Woody, you’re a top. Calm down.

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Papa sends a lady bird looking time bomb after Woody, and he goes gaga for it. It kisses him, then he flies off in classic toon fashion, drilling holes through trees and poles, before coming back to kiss on his new sex toy some more. This time when he does, he’s not the only one who goes off. He cries at the pieces of his fallen love, saying he’s been betrayed.

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Andy tries to a-salt him again, but Woody puts a beer under the shaker, it gets a head, and he blows the foam in Andy’s face. Yes, seriously. In 1940 a cartoon character got head, and blew it in a kid’s face. Still feeling nostalgia for the good ol’ days?

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Woody lands on Papa, and starts pecking his head. Papa quickly covers him with his hat, declaring that he’s got him. Woody breaks through the hat like an expired prophylactic, and tells Papa to hold on tight. Woody takes off, and carries them through the air. Andy gets the shotgun, and shoots his father in the ass. Incest in the morning! Repressed memories! 97.1! Sorry, had to. Papa and Woody crash through the roof, and this time when Andy a-salts Woody he gets him good.

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Woody doesn’t seems to mind, that is of course until he realizes he can’t run away. He panics, and tries in vain to escape. Driven mad by the experience we hear the sound of the ever-vigilant psych ward, which arrive to take Woody away. They tell Papa that confidentially, this guy (Woody) is nuts. They know his whole family, and they’re all crazy. Why, take them for instance. The two then start laughing like Woody, and bouncing around the screen. Credits

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-JJ

Howard the Duck: Cherry Bomb

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-by Bevianna Bones

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Greetings readers! Today I present to you another installment in our deep discussion of the greatest piece of film ever to grace the silver screen. For this part of the Howie Series we will be focusing on Cherry Bomb. The fictional band of the film lead by Beverly Switzler AKA Lea Thompson AKA 80’s goddess. Btw this is another reason why I revere the film so much. This was the first time in my childhood I saw someone named Beverly that wasn’t mine or someone else’s grandmother. Not to mention she was a rocker chic on top of it all. So badass. It was the first time I ever thought Beverly was synonymous with cool. Because she was ever so cool. Just look at that hair! And I heart Lea Thompson and anything that she has ever done. And did I mention the fact that she is one of the few cast members that is actually proud to have been a part of this film? She’s so great.

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The filmmakers invested heavily in Aquanet          stocks.

Anyway, when we last left Howie, he had been propelled through space from Duckworld and found himself amiss in a back alley somewhere in what he soon finds out from Bev, after the band’s opening ditty, is Cleveland. Or as Howie puts it Cleve Land.
Howie is surrounded by what I assume is supposed to be thugs, but resemble more eighties apropro Judas Priest groupies.

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Hell bent for leather?

Of course since they are rockband groupies and not actual thugs, they do what any youthful group with a rebel yell would do and throw Howie into a bar across the street where a crowd has gathered to jam the night away to the rockin bops. Eat your heart out Jem and the Holograms! Cherry Bomb is in the house!

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They have to play behind a chain link fence in order to keep the hoards of screaming fans at bay.

As we are treated to a delightful montage of Howie being thrown into all kinds of mischief, Lea AKA Bev gives us jamming 80s fierce realness and sexy eyes to Hunger City. One of the three tracks written by Thomas Dolby for the band to sing in movie.

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And so great, we need a still of that face…

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Grr!

Howard, shaken from all of his misadventures decides to hide in a barrel. Great idea. While he’s hiding away, we see that since the montage is over, the gig has ended and a lone Bev is walking home at night. More thugs/creepy fans come and get rapey with her. 

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Where did she find that jacket and matching hair bow?

Bev frigths back and cries out for help.  Howie being the civilized duck that he is decides something is a fowl (get it) and leaps out of the barrel and unleashes a deadly quack fu attack on the would be assailants.

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Note the baby doll heads all over assailant number one’s jacket. Why? So odd, but I just literally figured out that’s why Howie call him babyface. Oh the writing is so intelligent.

The punks take off and Bev thanks Howie for the help. Seems like she is only midly unsettled by a walking, talking, quack fuing duck; she explains to him where he is, and it starts to rain.

Queue 80’s ballad. This version is actually the Thomas Dolby demo of the song, but we get to hear Cherry Bomb and Lea sing it after things go south for Howie and Bev and she’s all distraught. Oh the foreshadowing. It’s the song they met to and the song they made ammends to.

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This is my distraught face…do I look distraught enough?

Bev sees Howie standing there like a duck left out in the rain and asks him if he has anywhere to go. Obviously not, or he wouldn’t be in Cleve Land. Oh Howie! She invites him back to her place, but I guess that’s where we will pick it up next time. Seems that I got off the subject of the band, but hey, it’s important to understand why Howie and Bev meet, because their relationship is a catalyst for the other two songs the band sings. One being, Don’t Walk Away, the duck in the rain song; and the other of course the title theme Howard the Duck…but that’s a subject for another day.
-BB

Count Duckula – No Sax Please, We’re Egyptian

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-by Joshie Jaxon

What an odd first episode title. Then again, it was the 80’s, and it is British. However, before we get to the episode, we need to appreciate the opening credits. They tell the tale of the Duckula line, and how they can be revived once every century. This time around they used ketchup instead of blood, and as a result, this incarnation is not evil, and is a vegetarian. On with the show!

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Castle Duckula. The Count waits for his food, telling Igor he hasn’t paid the power bill since the last time they brought him back to life. Nanny, his hulking lady servant, with one arm always in a sling, crashes through the wall. He reminds her to use the door, so she leaves, and crashes through the door instead. Tired of nearly being killed by Nanny, the Count says he’s going to run away, stating last time she killed three chambermaids and a footman, to which she replies, “They were only part time”. I want to like her. Igor takes the Count to the portrait gallery to remind him of his proud name and inheritance.

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We see some crows in masks, they’re reading a guidebook on Castle Duckula, and decide to go rob it. As they scale the outer wall, we hear Nanny ooohing as she dusts. The crows hear it, and assume it’s a werewolf. Nanny says to herself, “Give it a tickle with me feather duster, and it’ll be as right as rain.”. The crows think she’s talking about the werewolf, and say “She’s tickling it with a feather duster, no wonder it’s howling”. I love the Brits.

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Meanwhile, Igor is telling the Count about his ancestors. We hear the tale of the Archduck that explored a pyramid in Egypt, and was never heard from again. Igor makes mention of the mystic saxophone, yes, mystic saxophone, that gives whoever plays it the power of life and death. Duckula just wants to use it to be famous and fill stadiums. Poor Igor, he wanted a bloodthirsty Master, and instead he got this. He hopes the sax will make the Count evil. As the crows ponder how they’ll travel the 3000 miles to Egypt, the Count runs down to an upright coffin, announcing his destination, and the castle teleports there. There’s no in episode description for why the castle has/is a transporter. Hashtag mysteries of Castle Duckula

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They enter a pyramid, and begin to explore. Igor points out a statue of Anubis, and Nanny covers her little duckyboos eyes. She won’t have him looking at people with no clothes on. He tells her it’s Anubis, not a nudist. Yay wordplay! Pre-Family Guy cutaway to the cuckoo clock in the castle. It has two Statler and Woldorf style bats that tell a lame joke, complete with laugh track. So, that happened. Back to the pyramid. Duckula finds a statue of Serket. Nanny says it’s small, to which the Count quips that it’s a short Serket. He’s gonna be famous with material like this.

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The crows plot how to take out the Count. They rig a stone slab to a rope and attach it to each entrance of a chamber. If only Nanny used doors. She crashes through the wall, bypassing their trap. Duckula goes back to grab the rope for later, and the crows are crushed off screen. Being toons, they survive. Next they plan to use a boulder and giant rubber band. It’s worth pointing out this is the late 80’s, and Wile E Coyote has been around a few decades. They should already know this isn’t gonna work. Oh well. The crows are smashed again. Naturally.

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Duckula and company conclude they must be getting closer to the chamber, and to look out for traps. The Count falls for one, cause he is the titular character, after all. He wakes to a priest, Hoomite, and his assistant, Yubi. Anyone else see where this is going? The priest says “who might you be?” And we go into a very Who’s on First style exchange.

Y – I am, Yubi, right?
D – No, wrong. I am, you are
Y – Oh. He is Yewar
H – So, you are Yewar
D – I am not, I am not
H – Ah, you are Nott. He is not Yewar. He is Nott
Y – You are Yewar
D – I am not Yewar
Y – Oh, call me not Yewar. I am not Yewar. I am not Nott. I am Yubi
D – Lets get this sorted out. I am not Nott. Ok?
H & Y – Ok
D – I am not Yewar. Ok?
H & Y – Ok
D – But you are Hoomite, and you are Yubi, Ok?
H & Y – Ok
D – Whew
H – But, who might you be?
Duckula can’t take any more, and neither can I. Let’s move on.

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Hoomite and Yubi say they are going to sacrifice the Count to Ra, and after enough human sacrifice Pharaoh Upshi will rise. Wait, Duckula isn’t human. Well, close enough. Who, Ra? And Upshi rises. They start singing Hoorah and up she rises, and I feel like Lois. I can’t take any more schtick. Luckily, Nanny arrives and is mistaken for Upshi. They start with the we’re not worthy bowing, as Nanny asks “who might you be?” The servants repeat over and over, “He knows us! He knows us!” Nanny can see Henosus, but who might you be? Duckula echoes my thoughts, and says he can’t go through all that again, grabs Nanny and flees. Praise Ra!

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Reuniting with Igor, they continue their search. They find a mummy, and Nanny says he must have fallen off his camel. They tell her it’s a mummy, and she says SHE must have fallen off her camel. Oh, Nanny. She sees a vase, and wants to take it home. Duckula is afraid she’ll drop it, which she does. Lo and behold, they find the mystic sax. Igor says a single blow, and they’ll be the servants of the emperor of evil. That must be a hell of a good blow. The Count butchers it horribly, but finds his groove, and wakes the dead. Time for an Egyptian-Transylvanian dance party!

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Igor tells Duckula it’s time to go home, but he doesn’t want to end the party. The bat clock strikes midnight, and the castle returns to Transylvania. They still never explain this phenomena. Near as I can tell, the castle travels in space, but not time, and at twelve, it returns with or without it’s passengers. Duckula, Igor and Nanny get left behind, and are seen standing in the desert sun, trying to hitch a ride home. Alright, um, vampire duck standing in the sun. Opening credits say sunlight kills. I assume because he was revived not from blood, but ketchup, he’s not limited to traditional vampire lore, and is a day walker. Maybe they covered it in Danger Mouse, before they spun him off. Anyway, I’ll leave you to ponder that. Until next time!

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-JJ

Character Crush – Jo Polniaczek

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–by Bevianna Bones

You take the good, you take the bad, you take it all and there we have my very first crush. Jo. Tomboy extraordinaire. Of course at the time, I really just wanted to be like her and have her be my “sister” (since I was too young to understand the concept of “roommates”)

The quintessential badgirl of Eastland School for Young Women, Jo dealt out knuckle sandwiches and showed me early on in life it was ok to be a girl and be tough. Look at that loose tie on that school uniform. Umpfh! And her on that motorcycle, forget it! No one could rock a denim jacket and aviators like her. Bestill my little beating heart.

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And Blair’s. The tension between Jo and Blair has been brought up in pop culture galore, and why not what with all that subtext! You could cut it with a knife…or scissors?

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Too bad Lisa Whelchel is a big ole Jesus lovin’ rightwing Christian fanatic. The Facts of Life Reunion could’ve been so much more. Perhaps this is why a very young George Clooney joined the cast later on as Jo’s beau; they never did really have any chemistry, but the weekly Battle of Mullet was epic even for the 80s. Business Ulfront, party in the rear!!

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That face is how I hope her reaction was when the network told her they cast a man to dispel the rumors that would surround the goings on at a prestigious school for young women.

She really did rock those mullets though. By the gods it’s a thing of beauty! She really set the bar high…oh, if it only had a rat tail, it would’ve disrupted the very fabric of time. Nothing, nothing could have been that eighties. Even during the eighties. But this is as close to perfection as it could come. Oh I just want to run my hands through it in all its feathery glory!

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Again, with that face. That’s the one she made when she figured out Clooney was a man. The hair had thrown her for a loop.

That first crush has carried on all throughout my adult life, I still watch reruns when I come across them, just to see the fellagirilie that stole my heart so long ago. Ahh sigh. Young love.

-BB

Raving Rabbids 2

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-by Joshie Jaxon

I had a whole post ready for Raving Rabbids 2, but- Bwaaaah!!

I was going to comment on some of the hilarious and inappropriate- Bwaaaaah!

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As you can see, I can barely- Bwaaaah!

I give up! I’ll do my proper post later. For now, Happy Easter!

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-JJ

Easter Fever

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–by Joshie Jaxon
This little known gem from 1980 tells the tale of Jack the Easter Rabbit, and his upcoming retirement. The Friars Club is having a roast in his honor. Presenters include Steed Martin, Haro, Scrawny Chicken, Ratso the Rat, Santa, and Don Rattles. Yay! Animal name puns!

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Our opening number has Jack sitting in a giant Easter egg, being pulled by bunnies in bunny suits. There’s a reason for it. As Jack sings about how Easter has been good to him, the big bunny suits come off, to reveal sexy bunnies, that help him finish the number. A dirty old turtle tries to grab one, and his wife hits him.

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In the kitchen, we see an unnamed aardvark, that I’m going to call Artie, so I don’t have to keep typing aardvark. He can’t believe Jack is really there. The waiters are penguins, naturally, and one tells him that Jack is retiring. The chef, who I’ll name Billy, cause he’s a bull, tells Artie to get back to work.

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On the dais, Santa is up first. Santa is serving 70’s pimp realness, complete with gold chain, and open shirt or is it a jumpsuit? You decide. I’ll leave out the ho ho ho joke. Oops, it made it in after all. C’est la vie. My posts aren’t just entertaining, they’re classy too.

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We hear the story of how Jack was orphaned and was taken in by a pair of chickens. In an effort to please his adoptive parents, we see Jack attempt to crow, and it goes as well as you’d think. Christmas comes, and Jack’s parents leave a colored egg in his stocking. It falls out, and he has to go searching for it the next morning. Foreshadowing anyone?

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His friends ask what he got, and Jack says an egg. Ratso says that’s what he gets for living with chickens, calls him a “cluck cluck”. They tell him he needs to write Santa for what he wants. Jack sends Santa a thank you letter, calling him grade A all the way. Yay egg humor! Time passes, and spring arrives. As school gets out for Easter break, Ratso and the others say they hate Easter. Christmas is for kids, Easter is for grown ups.

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Deciding to give his classmates a reason to like Easter, Jack dresses like Santa, and sets off to deliver Easter presents. Side note, Jacks pretending to be Santa must be a thing. Can we say Skellington? Anyhow, Jack delivers colorful eggs to all his friends, and they’re happy to have found something fun to do on Easter. Santa finishes the story saying that’s how Easter became the kids’ second favorite holiday.

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Artie tries to tell Jack not to retire, but chef Billy tells him he’s got work in the kitchen, and to start kitchen up. Yay puns! Ratso is up this time. He mentions how he used to be a jealous, and Jack calls him a downright drag. Ratso starts to tell the tale of the year Jack wasn’t fit to deliver the eggs, and auditions were held. Several animals, tried but were unsuccessful.

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Meanwhile, Scarlett O’Hare is out running, and Jack goes gaga for her. She’s thinking bad romance, and wants nothing to do with him. As she continues her run, she crosses the line ahead of Ratso, and is given the honor of delivering the Easter eggs this year. He’s not having that.

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Ratso meets with a gang of rats, and tells them he was disqualified for being a rat, and rallies them to get the basket from Scarlett. While out delivering the eggs, we have a very West Side Story moment as the rats whistle and snap their way to her. She screams, and Jack gets up to track them down. There’s a shadow fight, and the rabbits are victorious. Back at the roast, Ratso says no hard feelings. Jack is fine, Easter has been good to him. We cut to Scarlett sitting with his parents.

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Scrawny Chicken then regales us with the story of the year of the great egg shortage. Jack had gone to the coop to get some eggs, and arrives in time to see the chickens being hauled off. As he tracks them down, via a trail of cracked eggs, he realizes who did it when he discovers eggs Benedict. It’s Madame Melegg, the tv chef. Hupcha hupcha, quick like a bunny!

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The chickens are in shackles as the Madame is singing about how she’ll be making an omelette with 2 million eggs. Before we go on, I’d like to point out that in addition to wanting to serve up some eggs, she’s serving up egg beater eleganza. They’re giant, and she uses them like skates. As we look at the big board, we see a grand total of one, and she asks her captives to give generously, or instead of an omelette, she’ll be making chicken pot pie!

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The eggs are flowing freely. Talk about a fear lay. Sorry. Jack arrives, and grabs number 2 million before it hits the pan and sets off the egg cracker, aka the Acme mallet. He has some nerve interrupting her show! He tells her he’s Chef Antoine, and asks where she learned to make eggs, Humpty Dumpty? He then asks if this is Roots, chicken style. Yes, he actually says that. It’s 1980, give him some slack. He convinces the Madame to let his people go. Yay, Easter humor! As the eggs are getting returned, the Madame offers him strawberry kisses as an hors d’oeuvre.

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His mustache comes off during the smooches, and the Madame is none too happy. She says Easter rabbit is a rare forbidden dish. All you need is small bit of railroad track, and a full head of steam. She charges at him like a locomotive, and last rites are performed over him. Odd thing for a cartoon, but again, it’s 1980. The 70’s had just ended. Worth mentioning, it’s a priest and a Rabbi. There’s another joke in there somewhere.

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Just before impact, he shouts that it’s time for a commercial. Being a pre-Food Network diva, she agrees. Gotta keep the sponsors happy. Jack uses her giant beaters in a demonstration, and throws several objects through them, the last of which is a girder, ruining them completely.

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Back at the roast, Scrawny says how she loves Jack, and kisses him. Don Rattles pulls Jack to the dais to have his say. Before he can, Don cuts him off saying they’re going over on time. It’s time for the big finale. The kitchen doors open, and there’s Artie. We see Billy tied up, and the giant egg shaped cake is left there. Artie brings Jack a lone Easter egg, telling him it will be the last one. Ever.

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No, there’s just can’t be a last Easter egg. Someone else can do it. Artie says that Jack is the Easter bunny, there is no one else. Everyone starts chanting “don’t quit”, and that’s all it takes to convince him not to. Once again, Jack says Easter has been good to him. Awww. That’s so much cuter than the movie about the guy who gets stoned on tablets with god. That’s how that movie ends, right? No? Oh well, maybe I’ll review it next year.

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-JJ