Author Archives: beviannajaxon

Thundercats (2011) – Omens, Part 1

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By Joshie Jaxon


These were days of peace and prosperity on Third Earth. When one empire stood above all others. Ruling with a just heart and a razor claw. And though omens foretold in the book would be ignored, the tragedy to come was necessary. For it was written that he would be born of fire. A King to lead his people to victory, against ancient spirits of evil. Damn, Jaga, that is some good series set up. Not as catchy as Thundercsts are on the move. Thundercsts are loose, but I’ll take it. I love all things Thundercats, and this reboot is no exception. I love the voice acting, the plot, and the gorgeous animation. Let the geeks begin! 

  

I can’t pretend we don’t already know these characters on sight, so I’m not gonna. Snarf, and a hooded Lion-O are walking through the bad part of town. It’s worth mentioning that in this version, Snarf isn’t anthropomorphic; he’s just a regular cat. It makes him oodles cuter. We see a canine thrown into a stand, with a hulking looking merchant cat threatening him. Lion-O says even though he’s a dog, no one should be treated that way. The threatening cat turns his sights on Lion-O, who makes short work of him and his crew. Snarf, bring a normal kitty, runs between the legs of one of them, and makes him fall. Two minutes in and he’s already being useful. The merchant grabs Lion-O from behind, and has him in a sleeper hold. That is, of course, until he’s rescued by Cheetara. She points out that the king’s son shouldn’t be playing with ally cats. Revealed as the prince, the merchant cat and crew flee from Lion-O. Cheetara wants to know why he’s in the slums. It depends on if she can keep a secret or not.

  

Kitty Castle, throne room. King Claudus is complaining that Lion-O is neglecting his princely duties. Why can’t he be more like Tygra? Tyrga tells his father that’s impossible. Father? How did a lion make a tiger? At the very least he should be called Lygra. Back in the slums, Lion-O takes Cheetara to a friend of his that deals in collectibles, er, black market items. Lion-O says it’s what’s outside Thundera’s walls, it’s what the Book of Omens called, technology. He hands her a Berbil arm, as she calls it fairy tales. The merchant shows him a piece of tech. Lion-O says as cubs they heard tales of ships that could sail through the sky. He never bothered to outgrow them. A bell tolls, and Lion-O splits after paying the merchant. 

  

Tygra looks bored as they wait for Lion-O, who comes running in, apologizing. Claudus tells Jaga to begin the rite of passage. The clerics are ordered to bring in the Sword of Omens. Tygra winks as the one holding it, who has very familiar eyes. Jaga explains that though he’ll one day wear the crown, the Eye of Thundera will be able to see if there is a King inside of him. Lion-O takes the sword as Claudus tells him that it’s what allowed the Thundercats to build their empire. He says he’ll show Lion-O what it’s capable of in the right hands. Tygra tosses him a sword, and Claudus goes after Lion-O with the Sword of Omens. As they clash, Claudus gives us a history lesson. “The book told that it was the Thundercats, our ancestors who first defeated Mumm-Ra. It was the Thundercats who brought law and order to a world of warring animals. It is now the Thundercats who are strong enough to maintain this fragile peace.” Now, I don’t know if he’s setting up the history for this universe, or if his history lesson is in reference to the prior series. Not wanting to make the heads of the modern kids hurt, I’m sure they pretend the original series didn’t exist. However, they cast the original voice of 80’s Lion-O to play Claudus. A small nod for fanboys like me. 

  

Claudus punctuates his story by driving the sword into the ground, as it crackles with electricity. Lion-O takes it, and begins to swing. Lightning builds along the blade as he continues. He touches the sword to the Thundercat symbol on the ground, and holds it in front of his face. Sight beyond site shows him two red glowing eyes. Spoiler alert- they’re Mumm-Ra’s. Lion-O stops, and when Claudus asks why, he says he saw something. Jaga asks what it was. Not wanting to share, Lion-O decides to point out two girls in the courtyard. Meow! Claudus tells him the sword is ready, but he is not. 

  

Later that day, it’s announced that something is approaching the walls to the city. Claudus looks, and is pleased. It appears to be a massive crystal that looks like the corruption in Darksiders II, and Diablo III. As Claudus and sons ride out to meet it, we see that it is being pulled by lizards in chains, as a sabertooth with one fang rides atop it. Um, Slavery is bad, mm kay? Anyhow, Tygra is happy to see Grune, as is Claudus. Anything that big has to be a trap, but I only know this because I’ve seen cartoons before. Claudus asks where Panthro is. Grune says that it’s because of Panthro’s sacrifice that he’s even there, and gives his nunchucks to Claudus. Tomorrow they will mourn, but today they will celebrate.

  

That night, Claudus tells his people of the treasures Grune discovered, and new lands they can conquer. The Trojan stone sits in the middle of the square. We pan through the festivities, and meet Wily Kit, and Wily Kat. She offers to play a man a song for money. He refuses, but once she starts playing, he’s hypnotized by the melody. Meanwhile, Kat picks his satchel for change. She stops playing, and the spell is broken. Elsewhere, cats are throwing fruit at two lizards in the stocks. Lion-O tells them to stop. The lizards beg for mercy. They only stole to feed their families. The one lizard says trying to get mercy from a cat is like trying to get water from a stone. Methinks Claudus isn’t the leader he’s made out to be. The cats have the best land and resources. The other species only get scraps. Tyrga approaches, and calls the lizard a criminal. He mutters that the lizard’s only crime is being weaker than the cats. I smell a revolution.

  

Tygra takes Lion-O back to the castle. It’s time for the games. Claudus dedicates them to Panthro. We see some large, intertwined branches above a pool. Two cats compete to get to the top first and ring the bell. Hitting, kicking, clawing, are all legal. In the royal box, Lion-O asks Grune if he saw any technology on his journey. Grune tells Claudus nothing has changed; one son with his head on his shoulders, the other, up in the clouds. He tells Lion-O he saw all sorts of things, but not technology. Tyrga says technology is a myth, like Mumm-Ra. Grune says he’d have made a great king, but the honor is reserved for the bloodline. Tygra’s adopted. It all makes sense now. The rivalry flared, Grune says they should settle it in the games. Both claw and climb to reach the top. Aside from the crown, Lion-O will always be in second place. Tygra kicks Lion-O down to the pool, and rings the bell. 

  

Later, Lion-O says they all think he’s a fool. Grune said there’s no tech, so he’s just chasing a childish dream. Jaga approaches, and says their greatest king will have the gift of sight beyond sight. Sight is useless without action. Lion-O wants to confess about the mini vision he saw. Jaga says there’s time later, and to go enjoy the party. In the city, Kit & Kat rush home with food and scarf it down. Kat tells his sister that he’ll find the map to the city of treasure, and then they won’t want for anything. Elsewhere, a crowd has gathered around the stockade. Cats are waving torches in the lizard’s faces. Lion-O sees it, and wants it to stop. Tygra says the lizards are their greatest enemy. Maybe they don’t have to be. Lion-O tells the crowd that the lizards don’t deserve this. The crowd says they deserve death. One takes a swing at Lion-O, and Tygra steps up. Cheetara runs through the crowd, and ups the odds. The crowd, knowing full well that two of the three are royalty, attack. This cat society is seriously messed up.

  

Tygra breaks out his whip, and does the now you see me, now you don’t, schtick. He must be announcing that for the radio audience, as there’s really no need to announce to the people you’re fighting, that they can’t see you. It’s not like he’s John Cena. Cheetara, Tygra, and Lion-O whoop on the crowd, until Claudus steps in. He can’t believe Lion-O is protecting lizards. No, he’s protecting themselves from becoming the cold blooded creatures they fear. The cats fear the lizards? Not good. Lion-O asks for their release. Claudus says no. Lion-O says he’s thinking like a King, and there are ways to rule beyond the sword. They wouldn’t have lizard problems if they’d stop repressing them. Claudus has the lizards released as an act of good will between the species. I’m thinking too little, too late.

  

Lion-O watches as the lizards leave the city. Cheetara says she was right, and there is something different about him. Back in the square, kitty-cat Snarf is making faces at one of the crystals in the Trojan corruption stone. Snarf walks away, and we see a reptilian shadow in the crystal. Credits

  
Once again a Thundercat premier with no Mumm-Ra, but at least he was mentioned. This series has a darker, more societal tone to it, and I love it. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

Uncle Sam: I Want YOU…Dead!

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–by Bevianna Bones

Happy Independence Day readers!! It’s a great day to be a ‘murican. Whilst y’all are enjoying your roasted weiners, a radio-cooler full of ‘stones, and blowin’ shit up (all in the name of freedom of course) I’d like to turn your attention to the darker side of the holiday. Yes, in keeping with the spirit of tradition, (my tradition of bringing you a truly terrible b-movie holiday “horror” delight) I bring you, Uncle Sam…I Want You Dead!

When Joshie and I were discussing what we should do to celebrate our fabulous independence, it occurred to me that I didn’t have a fireworks filled patriotic b-movie staple in my repertoire to share with you good people. I debated using Birdemic, and pulling another, “whatever, I do what I want” on you, trying to justify the correlation of birds=eagles=murica. But, I felt like that would be cheating you, and ultimately myself from the true magic of the holiday. Or at least from enjoying a holiday horror flick.  The one thing that rings true for all of these holiday themed gems (not Jem, there are no holograms here) is that they are always so chaulk full of ingenious holiday-horrific deaths and the killer always, always is armed with an array of witty holiday puns. (Exp: Thankskilling-“You just got stuffed!”) Long story short, I set out on the interwebs to find answers. Was there a July 4th themed horror movie? While I’d like to take the easy way out and use Independence Day (the thought of sitting through it a second time was too difficult), I found the object of desire in Uncle Sam. From this one screen shot, I knew I had found the one.
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Uncle Sam in a King Vitamin mask licking off a bloody clever? Oh the potential! Thank you, internet, thank you. You have again opened my eyes to something magnificent…or had it?

The plot of Uncle Sam follows the story of Sam, a Master Sargent killed in Kuwait as a result of friendly fire. The movie takes place in his hometown, Twin Rivers.  His adulterous wife is shagging the local sheriff, and upon finding out about his death, she finds it best that they hole up the sarcophagus in her sisters house for some untold reason.  Jody, the brat, obviously disturbed,  finds it best to bring Uncle Sam’s ammo box full of war decorations to class , and thus suffers them through a story about how he died and then the Vietnam draft dodging cowardice teacher tells him how lovely it is, but it was a different time then and he just wouldn’t understand. Jody goes home and is upset that he can’t see his Uncle’s body, but the kindly old creeperphile General tell him that Sam’s suffered a great deal, and that he’s sure that one day, Jody will enlist and become a great war hero too.  Insert two important plot points…one…the general is a creeper and trying to get some bereavementass
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And that, secondanly, coffins are not something to play with.
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I wasn’t playing…then what were you doing Jody…?!?

Actual dialogue here people.

All this talk, talk, talk building relationships and entirely not enough killing up to this point might I add. The most frightening thing so far has been Jody’s apparent obedience to the president.
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I’ll do what the president says, because he knows best….

Again people…Actual dialogue from this thing. What’s wrong with me. I’m going to bed.
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I’m not watching tv, I’m in mourning.

Yep, that’s another one…this kid’s got More zingers than I’ve got useless quips.  But anyway, it’s 45 US minutes into this film, and by golly, we need some deaths already.  Give it another 15 minutes or so, and then we’ll actually get one. You see, it’s all building up to the Fourth of July shindig that’s about to go down…and Sam’s not having it you see.  So many unpatriotic folks in Twin Rivers. Except for good old Jed.  The wise old Negro.
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Ya see, Jed was an old sergeant that had his leg, and not to be mistaken, none other parts blown off in a land mine. (Actual dialogue again…this thing makes its own jokes) Anyway, Jed used to tell Sam his old war stories, back when they knew what were and what the why’s and what for’s were. In classic Chef wisdom, Jed convinces Jody that war is not all its cracked up to be.
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One zinger too many, and Jody is sent off to bed without supper and falls asleep reading a very murican letter from uncle Sam about how all those unumerican peeps should have their butts kickedfor bein’ unumurican and someshit.
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Flash to the youth. The youth are always causing trouble in movies, and leave it to them to be very unumerican indeed. What with their graffitin and flag burnin…Sam just can’t take this shit anymore. His corpse rises from the sarcophagus and steals back his medals from the creepy kid, pins them on his zombichest and seeks out to get amurican on all these unumerican bastards!! Liberty!!!!!

But wait…before we get to any actual killing, still nearly an hour in, let’s get to what’s really
important. The obligatory boobies scene

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But it’s really ingenious in this one how it sneaks up on you…they tie it into the first killing. And not in that kill the slut kind of way that most horror flicks do…this one sets it up nicely. The first victim…the creeper dressed like Uncle Sam, is peeping in a window. And well, peepin Tom’s are just unumerican and Sam sets forth to kill the little pervy with some garden sheers. Finally, tits and death in the same 5 minutes, this movie is alright afterall, but more importantly, this is where Sam gets THEE Uncle Sam costume. He even tailors it to fit with the bloody garden sheers.

Time for more killing. Sam just got started and now he’s on a roll. Off to the cemetery to take care of the rest of those flag burnin youth. He takes out the leader of the pack via ocular spray paint; red, white, and blue, of course and then buries him alive on account of a
broken leg. Eagles scracaw!! Let freedom ring!!!
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Not assaitiated yet, the next Nazi youth is strung up to hang to death on flag pole. I will give this movie this, as slow as it was to get going, it sure took off in excitement in the last half.  Well, we’ve made it to the 4th of July celebration. The townsfolk are all gathered together to celebrate. But wait, there’s something missing. The hatchet. Of course. But where is it? In the draft dodgin’
teachers’ head of course!
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For no apparent reason, or plot arc, we are now introduced to a blind burnside kid in a wheelchair, who’ s family shows up to the festivities. No one can believe it, for this is the dangers of playing with fireworks people.

There are lessons to be learned here. In addition to being maimed, apparently, his freak accident left him with a 6th sense, to where he can speak with resurrected killing machine zombie veterans, and he knows exactly what plan Sam has hatched and how to thwart it, and how Sam will trust him; all this develops later on in the movie…via a single dialogue interchange at a random time, much like most of the character development occurs in this film. I just feel it important to point this out to you now, because its likely I will miss this in the future, as I’ve watched it three times now for the purposes of writing this and just now reflected on this revelation. A’murica!
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Now, with that introspection aside, we move on to our next victim. The blonde jock. Making a mockery of national anthem. He even moons the crowd. Uncle Sam’s gonna have his way with him, but not just yet. There are other killings that hold a higher priority.  Like how about the last guest to the bbq, the corrupt senator, starts to try and schoomze the crowd. Sam is ever so upset. He best just kill them all.
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Btw, this movie, and it’s killings, are brought to you by Country Time. A’Murica’s lemonade

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The lost episode of To Catch A Predator…

A potato sack race later and Blondie Jock is finally about to get hacked.  It was Uncle Sam, in the forest, with the clever.

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Insert scene of wifey an beau; I’d really like to tell you there’s a plot here, but there’s not. Sister finds Ralph dead…And in case you missed it, there’s a half of second clip of Sam snatching a pellet gun from a shooting gallery. Guess what?!? Honest Abe was shot in the head…how original. That’s probably why no one but the crooked politician seems to give a damn. He see’s this as a golden opportunity to hit it with the voters and show off his new pair of sunglasses. How fucking a’murican can we get? Guess what guy’s…The politician is about to get Sam’d next…And he’s gonna get it in the way I was dreaming about pun filled glory when I first found this piece on Google. That’s right, FIREWORKS.
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But before that, let’s have another vaguely crappy scene to elude to some sort of predecessor that was to set the film up that never actually occurred. We get that Sam was bad to his wife and sis…But how bad? Beating bad? Raping bad? We don’t ever really know except it seems that no one really liked the guy, including family, and this is what Wikipedia had to say about it. Although none of this was actually ever discussed in the movie.

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But at least wiki makes some sense for us.

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And he did bad things, only the love for denim can replace.

Back to the killing!! And epically. Do you ever feel, like a plastic bag drifting through the wind, waiting to start again?? So do the ashes of the corrupt congressman, and this is finally the event that makes the townsfolk wonder what’s going on. And we get a twofer death, as Sam knocks out the sheriff at the same time. Impaled on Old Glory? How American is that?

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The blind kid, the creepy kid, and the wise old negro come up with a plan to stop Sam once and for all…

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After a whole lot of introspection, and a couple more non plot related deaths, Chef..err, Jed…decides that since Uncle Sam can’t be killed with bullets, it’s best to use Jody as a distraction to gain his trust, whilst Chef wrangles the town cannon (every town should have one) to the back of his pickup and hauls it off to take out Uncle Sam once and for all. ‘Murica!!

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My very favorite part of this film is the cannon balls Twin Rivers is packing. 20% Mortar, 90% Michael Bay, these babies pack an explosive whallop and leave Sam buring in the rubble after only two, countem two Michael Bay cannon balls…

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Jody serving Judgement Day realness…

And then the secondly epic cannon ball mortary extravaganza.

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The killer always comes back people…bad horror genre 101…

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So essentially, the climax of the movie consists of the blind kid, the creepy kid, and the wise old negro blowin shit up on the fourth of July. And here it is that the movie comes truly full circle. A’Murcia.

America fuck yeah-team america:

But seriously, about the ending of the movie tho, super weak. And super unamurican. With what I was waiting for the entire film for an awesome one-liner of “I want you!” We sadly didn’t get. In fact, we didn’t get any at all. In fact, it’s almost safe to say that I made this sound entirely more enjoyable than it actually was. Watch at your own risk. But if you don’t celebrate the fourth with this terrible atrocity, celebrate with a true spirit of independence in your heart, because its often forgot amongst many, but it’s truly a great thing to be an American. And if you don’t believe it, someone at your BBQ is likely to go all Uncle Sam on your ass…

-BB

Cadillacs & Dinosaurs

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–by Bevianna Bones

Rwaaaaarrrr!!!! That’s the sound of a dinosaur escaping black market poachers(?) Vrrrrrummmmmm!!!! That’s the sound of you firing up your Caddy and heading out to the City in the Sea to stop the evil dino poaching dastardly bastards! For, what would they want with so many dinos?  Aside from capturing them, violently torturing them, and genetically engineering them into maniacal weapons.  That’s the basic plot for the 1993 Capcom gem, (not to be confused with Jem…as there are no holograms here) Cadillacs & Dinosaurs. A most unusual mashup of everyone’s favorite things, Cadillacs and dinosaurs!  As much as I would like to give cred to Capcom for coming up with yet another ingenious mashup of whatthefuckery (see previous post on Quiz & Dragons…a general rule of thumb for life is, if Capcom made it and it includes and ampersand in the title PLAY IT!),  Cads & Dinos actually is based off of the 80’s comic Xenozic Tales. Popular enough to spawn a cartoon and the coinop game, there was also a later sequel for home consoles and PC. I always wondered why they dropped the original title though.

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Seems to me that a name like Xenozic Tales intrigues me enough to want to check it out. However, its likely that most consumers mistook it for supplemental prescription drug information, hence the name change. Cadillacs & Dinosaurs as a title pretty effectively describes what you’re investing your Washington’s in. (For those younger readers out there, that’s a reference to the quarter and/or token that one would have to place into the money slot on the machine to play) You know right upfront that there will be dinosaurs and Cadillacs as promised.  Insert coins and let’s go!

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Welcome to the character selection screen. There are four fully playable characters to chose from here, and up to three players can play simultaneously. This is beneficial for special team-up power special moves you can do with other players. The four characters all have a different play style, so often seen in these 90s circa Capcom classics.
Who should we pick? Well I know I have my favorite…But here’s a rundown on the choices:

Jack Tenrec: Both a mechanic and a shaman (balanced)

Hannah Dundee: A diplomat and explorer by profession (skilled) (otherwise known herein as Chyna–perhaps one day she will find her way into her very own Glorious Girls of Gaming)

Mustapha Cairo: A dark colored guy. Haha just kidding, but with a name like that I had to insert at least one joke in there. Besides his official description is “Jack’s friend” also, he’s the speed type character. The dark guy is the fastest.  We all have a friend like that.

And finally there’s…

Mess O’ Bradovich: I promise I’m not making these last two names up. Mess, is a big, apparently Irish/Russian guy. With “an elusive past” Again, actual description here. And he of course, is the tank type player. I couldn’t have seen that one coming.

What with the lineup out there, I’m sticking with my all time fave, Chyna. Let’s go!

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Thunderthighs are on the move. Thunderthighs are loose. Feel the burning, hear the roar. Thunderthighs are loose. Thunder! Thunder! Thunder! Thunderthighs! 

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The gameplays very much like all Capcom CPS1 games, ie Final Fight clones. The controller layout is standard 8-way joystick/2 button, one jump, one attack with three sets for up to three players. The question has often been raised that why there is only 3 player support, when there are 4 playable characters. This is often seen on these CPS1 games, because many of them are simply boarded into existing cabinets. Hence the versatility of the Capcom Play System. An arcade owner could invest in one cabinet (likely Final Fight due to popularity and quantity of machines produced) and then change out the boards and bezel art to give it’s patrons a whole gaming experience. Thus gaining more revenue at a lower operating cost. Profit baby.

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I’ve got a million tidbids in my brain just waiting to share with you folks.

As Chyna, or any of the other 3 characters, you kick, punch, and jump (and chop and block and turn and pose…Parappa reference anyone?) your way to dino liberation through 8 levels of expectedly repetitive dino poacher hunting action. As promised, there is also a level where you are in the Cadillac hunting the dino poachers and their evil dinosaurs. Squee!!

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All in all, it’s actually quite a fun game, and for me it holds a special place in my heart. Check it out if you can find one in an arcade somewhere, or better yet, if you’ve got yourself a MAME or CPS1 emulator; and if not, then why are we friends?

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So that’s what happened to that kid from that one Disney movie

-BB

Thundercats – Exodus

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By Joshie Jaxon



Thundercats are on the move. Thundercats are loose. Feel the magic, hear the roar. Thundercats are loose. Thunder! Thunder! Thunder! Thundercats! Simple, and catchy as hell. Even before rewatching it I could’ve typed it all out. I had the toys, the tank, all of it. Thundercats and Voltron defined my early childhood viewing, and playtime. There was some Rainbow Brite in there to help me be well-rounded, but it was mostly those two. Let the geeks begin! 

  

Red planet of impending doom. The thunder ship orbits a safe distance away. It’s almost time. Should we wake him? Nah, why bother him. Um, his home planet is about to be destroyed. Someone wake your future ruler. Cheetara will do it. It’ll be easier coming from her. She goes to Lion-O’s chamber, and wakes him. Save for a belt and boots, she appears to be nude. Ah, Thundarian fashion. Wait, Lion-O is nude too, except for boots. Isn’t this supposed to be a kids show? Snarf says that Lion-O needs his rest. Lion-O says he’s practically grown. Oops, you weren’t supposed to notice that. Locker room etiquette, people. Unless he draws attention to it, ignore it. Oh wait, he did draw attention to it. Stare away. 

  

On the bridge, Jaga, who has on clothes, by the way, tells Lion-O to come closer, and watch the telescreen. Say, Lion-O, do you like gladiator movies? Creepy old cat. Lion-O watches the planet explode, and asks what that was. Jaga says it was Thundara, and used to be their home. Um, didn’t Lion-O know he was getting on a spaceship? Did he think they were going for a quiet drive to get ice cream? How cruel are the adults here? Your home is gone, but that’s ok, you’re The Lord of the Thundercats. You’ll keep the spirit of the dead planet alive by living up to it’s code in your new home. Justice, truth, honor, and loyalty. Can you do it? He will! Jaga says he’ll have the help of the nobles; Cheetara, Tygra, Panthro, and Wily Kit and Wily Kat. Way to leave Snarf of the list. Snarf! Snarf! Sorry, had to do it at least once. 

  

Jaga takes Lion-O to another room, which houses the Sword of Omens, and the source of their power, the Eye of Thundara. Lion-O touches it, and it grows bigger in his hand. Well, that’s puberty for you. Jaga tells Lion-O that the sword will give him sight beyond sight, and the eye will protect him. Lion-O asks how. Jaga says it will know before he does. That’s a smart jewel if you ask me. Lion-O says he can’t lift it. Jaga says he doesn’t have the strength. He asks Snarf to retrieve the others. Jaga then resumes telling Lion-O it won’t be long before the sword feels natural in his hand. I know it took a while for me. 

  

The other Thundercats enter, and they’re all nude. Two have belts. They all have boots, but not a single stitch of clothing. We need to break this down for a minute. I get it, they aren’t human, they’re cats. However, they’re humanoid cats. Cheetara only has two breasts, not six to eight. They all have normal human mouths and teeth. Save for Tygra and Cheetara’s coloring, you’d never know they had fur. These are essentially naked people. I’d say the bikini cut lines are to imply underwear, rather than full nudity, but three of the five don’t have a line across their torso to support that. The problem is about to be solved, but again I’d like to point out that Jaga has had clothes on the entire time. If there’s no acknowledgement of nudity among them, why does he feel the need to cover up? They aren’t anatomically correct for humans. I’d assume their feline penises are inside them, or covered by thick fur. We can see abs, and peck definition though, so the fur can’t be that thick. Yes, I’m obsessing, but I’ve got the place to myself tonight, and you, dear readers, will have to deal with my random thoughts. 

  

Anyhow, Jaga gives them clothes and weapons to help protect them from the unknown elements of their new home. Cheetara Kit, Kat, and Tygra all get skin tight outfits, while Panthro gets spiked fetish wear. Before they can play with their new toys, they discover they are under attack. Jaga tells Snarf to watch Lion-O while the rest of them go to the bridge. It’s mutants, from the planet Plun-Darr. Jackalman, Monkian, and Slithe manage to take out one of the convoy. Uh oh! The non-primary Thundercats could be killed! They aren’t named though, so we don’t care about them. More of the convoy ships are destroyed, until only the flag ship with the main cast is left. They should expect company. Yep, grappling beams hit the ship, and the mutants start to melt a hole in the hull. I swear the Decepticons already pulled this stunt. Let’s call it a homage and keep going. Being a cheetah, you can guess who arrives first to defend the ship. Tygra then goes invisible for a second, before attacking some monkey men. Now you don’t see me. Now you do. Riveting dialogue. Meanwhile, Panthro tells the jackals if they were as mean as they are ugly, maybe they’d be trouble. 

  

Slithe and Jackalman still haven’t found the eye yet. If only they knew what it looked like. Slithe says he’s seen it. Hold up, back when Jaga was passing out clothes, he said the sword and the eye’s location were only known to him on Thundara. How in the world does Slithe know what it looks like? How I ask you? How! The answer is convenience. Slithe sees it embedded in the Sword of Omens, and knows it on sight. Lion-O has a raging sword in his hand, but he still can’t lift the damn thing. Snarf tries to defend, but is captured in a net. Don’t forget to gag him! Slithe goes after Lion-O, but he won’t give up without a fight. The sword responds to his need, and glows as Lion-O raises it above his head. He has the power! Seeing a kid handle a massive sword like that is too much. Slithe and the others go back to their ship to fap about what they just saw. Geez this show is dirty. Maybe it’s me. Either way, the mutants are gone. Jaga is impressed. Lion-O says the sword did most of the work. Well, he is at that age. 

  

Damage report, Mr. Panthro. The hull has been patched, but the navigation system is shot. They won’t make it to the galaxy they were headed for. The best they can do is the Milky Way. Wily Kat calls it dinky. Panthro says the third planet from the sun has an atmosphere they could handle. Still, it’s light years away. They’d have to finish the trip in suspension. Jaga orders them into the capsules. He’ll get them to the blue planet. Panthro suggests robot pilot, but Jaga says no. It needs to be done manually as long as possible. Insert joke here. Jaga says the suspension capsules slow the aging process, but doesn’t stop it. Even if he slept, he wouldn’t live long enough to survive the journey. They all enter the capsules, except Lion-O. He wants a goodbye hug and cry. Time for a catnap as Jaga pilots the ship. He lasts until Jupiter, and is raptured out of his clothes. With autopilot active, the ship arrives on the blue planet. Breaking to pieces as it scrapes the ground, and falls off a mountain. 

  

Snarf is the first one awake, of course, and goes looking for Lion-O. He locates his capsule, and claws it open. Lion-O is all big and hunky now. One of his shoulder straps broke in his sleep, and his abs are showing too. It’s a wonder I turned out gay, and not a furry too. Woof! Er, meow! Snarf looks to the sky, and sees that the mutants have followed them. We won’t ask how. We’ll just say a wizard did it. The mutants teleport to the surface, and begin searching the wreckage. Lion-O watches as they find the capsules with the others in them. Miss thing ain’t having that. He charges the mutants, despite having no real fight training that we’ve seen so far. It’s ok, his abs will protect him. Oh, and Snarf, carrying the Sword of Omens. Lion-O catches it, and energy discharges from it. Phantom Jaga appears before him, and tells him that he holds the source of the Thundercats power. Sight beyond sight shows Lion-O the others in their capsules. Time to throw down. 

  

Thunder! Thunder! Thundercats, ho! Thundercat emblem in the sky. Tygra and the others open their eyes, as they glow yellow. The capsule lids pop off. Monkian says the Thundercats are loose. Sounds like a music cue. Damn I love being right. Thundercats are on the move. Thundercats are loose, and kicking ass. As Tyrga, Cheetara and the others fight, they notice Lion-O is part of the fray, and that he’s grown. Wily Kat, who didn’t grow, quips about height not being so great. Then he blows a monkey. With powder, you dirty birdies. Slithe has them teleport back to the ship. Lion-O says he’ll protect the eye from the mutants. Tygra comments what a fine figure of a Thundercat he’s turned out to be. Cheetara says he’s handsome. I think they’re gonna fight over him as the series progresses. At least that’s the backstory I’ll have in mind when I watch it. Although there was no Mumm-Ra, it was still a good premier. Hope you enjoyed the trip down memory lane. Until next time! 

  

DmC: Devil May Cry

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-by Bevianna Bones

Ok, ok, so DmC isn’t a retro game by any means. But I’m sure there’s some way or another that I can attempt to justify it as something that belongs here on 3G. Let’s see…well it’s a “remake” of Devil May Cry. Well not really a “remake” in the terms of how games are “remastered” in HD for the next gen consoles. But more like a “re-envisioning” of the franchise. The original Devil May Cry was released in 2001 for the PS2. Originally intended as a sequel to Resident Evil. Betcha didn’t know that. See, there’s a reason you find yourself reading 3G. It’s just chalk full of useless information.

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Insert obscure reference here…one day I really should explain this shouldn’t I? Nah…why would I do a thing like that?

Anyway, obviously the series didn’t turn out as a sequel to Resident Evil at all. In fact, the only thing it has to do with that particular franchise is that it was developed by Capcom and became an immensely popular franchise. It’s spawned comics, anime, and even a crappy movie adaptation. And 4 sequels. Well, 5 if you include DmC. But, like I said, maybe, earlier is that DmC isn’t really a sequel, or even part of the cannon of franchise. It’s like a wonderfully created fanfic. Kind of in the same vein of the new Star Trek movies. So why is this finding a spot on 3G? Well because I thoroughly enjoy it, and it’s badassness. 

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Whatever! I do what I want!

The reboot was done by Ninja Theory, and Capcom stayed involved, at their request, to ensure the game still was reminiscent of the original titles. You know how these fanboys and fangirls are about things. You change one little thing and they get all upset. And that’s exactly what happened. They faced a barrage of negative previews on account that Dante wasn’t wearing the right costume. (Although there is an awesome part in the opening sequence where he stumbles into a white wig as a little hommage). Sounds stupid right? Who gets upset about those kinds of things? It doesn’t happen…

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But after the crazed fans actually played the thing they changed their minds. This game is spectacular to play, not only is it a visually beautiful, it has an epic soundtrack, and intense gameplay.  The storyline, reimagined follows Dante as a young man struggling with the demons that haunt him while living in a corrupt and brainwashed society. That’s all I’m gonna tell you about the plot. I don’t want any spoilers. But I will say, that familiar faces from the series do play intricate roles in the retelling of Dante’s destiny.

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Did I mention this was a pretty, pretty, gritty, dirty game? This is not your mama’s Devil May Cry. Check out the intro:

Not your mama’s Devil indeed. This game will put you on sensory overload. I recommend if you have a PS3 or a 360 to pick it up. You can probably find it at your local game shop for less than 10 bucks now. Or if you’re really fortunate and wise enough to own a PS4, they just released a full 1080i/60fps “definitive edition” back in March that also includes all the original DLC, character skins, side quests, and a new game modes called Bloody Palace that is essentially a batshit crazy kill everything in sight nonstop free for all that’s not to be missed. Buy it. Buy it now. And for everyone who can’t get used to this new fangled looking Dante, they even threw in an original skin for him. It’s a solid gaming experience with loads of replay value and unlockables. I’m giving it two snaps, a twist, and kiss!

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🙂

-BB

Pride Post – Tears of Joy

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By Bri Bones

I woke up this morning to a half dozen texts telling me that the SCOTUS affirmed that marriage discrimination was unconstitutional. I’ve spent most of the morning trying to formulate my thoughts into a coherent whole. 

  
I can honestly say growing up, I never thought I’d see this day. Marriage was something for other people. I knew I was gay from a young age. I remember at around 8 or 9 taking the breast plate off of my He-Man action figure because I thought he looked better that way. I was the kid who was always friends with the girls, rather than the boys. 

  

When my parents would take me grocery shopping, I always would go over and hang out at the magazine rack. I’d look at the comics, the kids magazines, all the things like that. But another thing I would sometimes look at were the men’s exercise/bodybuilder magazines. They gave me tingles I didn’t understand.

It was 9th grade when I finally realized a way to put a word to my feelings. I was at the library in my home town looking at books. I found a book called “A Boys Own Story” by Edmund White. It was a biographical tale of a young mans discovery of his homosexuality. I was sitting in the corner of the library reading it and all the feelings I’d felt crystallized in my mind. This was me! This was how I felt! Certainly the final chapter where he recounted his first full sexual experience in fairly explicit detail gave me the first erection I remember distinctly.

I never really felt angst about it. I recognized this was how I felt and I was mostly ok with it. I was never suicidal about it, never anyplace dark. However, this was for me only to know. No one, and I mean NO ONE! could know. 
A year later, in high school, I got involved in theater. That’s where I met him. I’ll go ahead and call him Fred. Fred was another student. He had beautiful blue eyes and a mischievous smile. He super popular, yet he actually was friendly to me, the unpopular nerdy kid. We were cast in the same shows all through high school. Senior year, we were cast together in A Midsummers Nights Dream. I was Oberon, he was Puck. We were now working closer than we ever had. His costume in that show was just a pair of tights. He was shirtless with body glitter. Working that close to his shirtless torso, I discovered he also smelled good. 

Our teacher had had the head of the theater department at her old school come see our performance for recruitment purposes. I wanted to go there so badly. When the performance was over, she came backstage to tell us that he loved our show, and that he was going to see about offering Fred a scholarship. I wasn’t even mentioned, and was devastated inside. However I bucked up and told him congrats. A bit later we were under the stage changing. It was just the two of us. He asked what was the matter. Apparently I wasn’t doing as good a job as I thought at hiding my disappointment. I finally said I was upset because I wasn’t good enough to get a scholarship. We talked for a bit, and eventually came to the point of hugging. And we held the hug. And I felt something poking me in the leg. Then, and I will always remember this moment, Fred kissed me. And I kissed him back. 

Fred and I continued to fool around under the stage until we graduated a few months later. We went off to our separate colleges and eventually grew apart. He occasionally pops up as a “you may know” on Facebook. He’s married with kids, which is why I changed his name in this story.

  

College happened for me and I discovered other gay people who were out and happy. I began those first tentative steps out of the closet. I first told my sister, then some friends. It was Matthew Shepard’s murder that pushed me completely out. It seemed wrong for me to continue hiding when he died so horribly because of who he was. So out I went. I told my parents, coworkers, everyone, and I agree with what everyone says, it’s so much better being open and honest. 

  

Today’s ruling got me thinking a lot about that little boy in Farmington, UT. He never thought he’d be able to get married. I’m crying tears of happiness that future generations of little gay kids will grow up knowing that they are the same, and be proud of who they are.