Pokemon – I Choose You!

  
By Joshie Jaxon

You ever have a moment that you can pinpoint almost 20 years later? I can do that with Pokemon. The first time I saw Pokemon, it was an ad for the game, in my Spider-Man comic book. I had the original red/blue, and watched the anime, even though I was in high school. I still play the new games as they come out. I also own nearly all the anime on DVD, except for some of the Johto Journeys that came out during my not living at home, no money phase. Anyhow, I love nearly everything about the franchise. Let’s start the show! 

  

I can still sing the opening theme verbatim despite not watching any of the Indigo League for several years now. It has everything you could want. Mewtwo, Mew, Brock & Misty, Team Rocket, Gary, Professor Oak, Officer Jenny, Nurse Joy, Delia Ketchum, and of course, Ash & Pikachu. Buckle up kids, this isn’t the cutesy version that airs today. This is old school, black and white Gameboy era stuff. Speaking of, we hear the opening game credits, and see Gengar battling Nidorino, just like in the game. Then we pan out and get normal animation. As Gengar puts his opponent to sleep with hypnosis, it is recalled and a new Pokemon is sent out. It’s episode one, so I’ll forgive the fact that Onix emerged from a green pokeball, instead of traditional red. 

  

It turns out that the match is on tv, and Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town is watching. Ash is ten now, and can finally get his Pokemon license. He declares to the Pokemon of the would that he’s going to be a Pokemon master. They never tell us what that means. Will he master all Pokemon everywhere? Is it a job title? Breeder, coordinator, those titles are descriptive and make sense. Pokemon master, not so much. Ash’s mother comes in and tells him to get to bed, but Ash is too excited to sleep. He starts his journey tomorrow. That’s right, ten year old, out in the world, on his own. What could go wrong? Delia tells him to watch something educational, and turns it to Professor Oak talking about the three starters available; Bulbasaur, Charmander, and Squirtle. Ash dreams about what it would be like to have each one. 

  

Ash is so involved in his dream, that he breaks his Voltorb alarm clock. Realizing he overslept, he hauls ass to the Professor’s to make his choice. Upon arrival, we meet Gary, Ash’s rival. He’s arrogant, but doesn’t have any of that Kaiba charm to balance it out. He’s just obnoxious. Poor Ash, just starting out and he’s already behind. Professor Oak appears, telling Ash he looks ready for bed, not his journey. Ash doesn’t care, he just wants a Pokemon. 

  

In the lab, Ash chooses Squirtle, but it’s already taken by someone who was on time. Alright, Bulbasaur then. Nope, also given to a punctual kid. Well, he wanted Charmander anyways. Too bad it’s gone too. Isn’t there anything left? Cue the fourth pokeball. The professor tells him there’s something wrong with this last one. Ash doesn’t care, releases it from the ball, and Pikachu is revealed. The professor says they can be shy, or have an electric personality. Yay, poke-puns! Pikachu shocks the hell out of Ash. This is gonna be fun. 

  

After getting his Pokedex and pokeballs, Ash heads outside. His mom and a small group are waiting, and cheer for him. She’s just so proud. He’s old enough to take care of himself now. Still ten, by the way. Delia gives him his clothes, shoes, backpack, gloves, and undies. Darn moms. She sees Pikachu out of his ball, and finds it odd. Ash tosses the ball at him, and it gets knocked right back. Several attempts later, it’s still not happening. Episode one, so I’ll overlook the lack of red return beam that was used in the battle on tv. Delia says it’s odd that Pikachu isn’t in his ball, and that rubs him the wrong way. He shocks the entire crowd, and the professor tells us Ash’s gloves will be useful since they won’t conduct electricity. 

  

Cut to Ash wearing the gloves, and pulling Pikachu down the road. Great animal care, Ash. He stops, and asks if Pikachu is gonna be like this the whole time. Is it because you don’t like me? Pikachu nods. Ash tells him to open his mouth and say what’s wrong. Pikachu complies, but it doesn’t help. He can only say his name. Kinda like when I greet my cats, they only meow a hello back. Animals don’t talk, dumb ass. Since Pikachu is just like any Pokemon, he should act like one. The Pokedex says he should be in his ball. Pikachu pushes a button and it goes on to say that some Pokemon hate to be confined. Ash undoes the line he was pulling him with, and removes the gloves. Maybe that will help. Pikachu prefers to be free, with no rubbers, it just feels better. Sorry, that one was too good to pass up. 

  

Ash sees a Pidgey, and tells Pikachu to go get it. Pikachu responds by climbing a tree to rest. Ash doesn’t need him. He vowed to get every Pokemon in the world. He throws the ball, and for a moment we think it works, until the bird escapes. Pikachu just laughs at Ash’s failed attempt. Not one to give up easily, Ash tries to use his pajama top to catch Pidgey. After being hit with a gust and a sand attack, Ash watches as it flies off. Pikachu continues to snicker. A Rattata gets into Ash’s bag, and the Pokedex says they steal from stupid travelers. Pikachu is gonna wet himself he’s laughing so hard. 

  

Three more Pidgey pop up, and Ash decides to try throwing a rock. Not only is it a bad idea in general, you don’t throw rocks at wild animals. He misses the trio, but sees a lone one. Going back to his rock idea, he connects this time, right on the head of a Spearow. It looks pissed, and rightfully so. It goes after Ash, who manages to dodge. Then Spearow sees Pikachu, and attacks him too. Ash tries to say he threw the rock, but birdy don’t care. It circles and circles trying to knock Pikachu out of the tree. Pikachu unleashes a lightning attack, and zaps the bad bird. Too stupid to try and catch it, Ash just watches as Spearow calls it’s friends from a nearby tree. Ash asks Pikachu if they should run. Pikachu nods. 

  

Ash says no matter what, he’ll protect Pikachu. Pikachu runs ahead of him. You don’t have to be faster than the Spearow, you just have to be faster than your trainer. That is, until they outnumber you, and start attacking you. Kids, the lesson here is to be kind and respectful to all animals. Ash learned the hard way, so you wouldn’t have to. He gets Pikachu away from them, and even jumps into a river to escape. We see a girl fishing, and she manages to catch Ash. She sees Pikachu, and starts yelling at Ash to get it to a doctor right away. I love Misty. The Spearow flock catches up to him, and Ash puts Pikachu in the basket of Misty’s bike and takes off. Thief! 

  

As he rides, dark clouds fill the sky, and rain starts to fall. This isn’t good. The Spearow catch up, and Ash crashes. He crawls his way over to Pikachu, and asks him to get in his pokeball. Ash knows he doesn’t like it, but if he trusts him, he may just be able to save him. Ash sets the ball down, and stands between the Spearow and Pikachu. He’s Ash from Pallet Town, he’ll be the world’s greatest Pokemon master, and can’t be beaten by the likes of them. The birds don’t care, cause they don’t know what a Pokemon master is. Join the club.

  

Pikachu does, and is so moved, he climbs up Ash to take on the flock. Now, I don’t know if a bolt of lightning happened to strike him and power him up, or if Pikachu summoned it, either way, a massive electric column takes out the Spearow, and Misty’s bike. The clouds clear, and we see a golden Pokemon fly near the rainbow. We now know it was a Ho-Oh, but at the time, the Pokedex had no clue. The voiceover tells us Ash and Pikachu’s adventures are just beginning, and will be filled with laughs. We see Pikachu lick Ash. They’ve bonded, and are now lifelong friends. Now that’s the way you finish a series premier.

  

Sailor Moon – The Crybaby: Usagi’s Beautiful Transformation

  

By Joshie Jaxon

I’d like to start off by saying that I am all for feminism, girl power, and all that. That being said, I never followed Sailor Moon like I did other series. Don’t get me wrong, I love chicks who kick ass, but even in mainstream anime, they’re less likely to have their shirts off than say, Goku and company. As a gay man, I’m not afraid to admit that a little eye candy, even animated eye candy, makes a show better. Straight guys think so too. The Robot Chicken Sailor Moon bit is hilarious, and illustrates my point. On with the show! 

  

Usagi introduces herself via voiceover. I remember her being Serena, but the DVD says Usagi, so that’s what I’m going with. We learn that she’s fourteen, in middle school, a bit of a klutz, and can be a little emotional. At that age, who isn’t? Her mom shouts at her to get up. She checks the time and freaks out. Usagi brushes her teeth while asking her mom why she didn’t wake her sooner. Well, because you’re a teenage girl and told her to go away when she tried. Thanks, mom. Category is – school girl realness. Not only is Usagi serving up epic bunned pigtails, white long sleeve top with red bow, blue skirt, and sensible flats, she also has an I hate mornings attitude. Right there with you, girl. 

  

On her way to school, she sees some little kids harassing a cat, which is never cool. Usagi chases them away, and assesses the damage. It’s very minimal, but they did put a bandage on it’s head. Usagi removes it, and sees a crescent moon shape on it’s forehead, which she mistakes as a bald spot. Kitty jumps on her head, then to a nearby car. Usagi hears the school bell, knows she’s late, freaks out again, and takes off. 

  

When she gets to school, the teacher is reaming her about being late. Hey, it’s not her fault everyone else makes it on time. It’s exactly that sort of attitude that explains why she’s failing. The teacher holds up a test with a big red 30 on it. Later, on the grounds, Usagi’s friend, Naru, is asking why she doesn’t have more self control. Their friend Umino approaches and asks how she did on the test. Clearly Usagi is upset, so she did bad. No worse than usual though. No T no shade. Gotta love friends. Umino slacked off too, so he only got a 95. Gasp! Naru changes the subject. Did you hear about Sailor V making another appearance last night? She caught a jewel thief. The girls love jewelry so much, they could understand wanting to steal it. As they go on about diamonds and rubies, Umino checks out. There’s a sale at Naru’s mother’s jewelry store. They’re going after school. 

  

The Dark Kingdom. Queen Beryl makes dramatic hand gestures around a sphere, while asking if the silver crystal has been found yet. A resounding No comes from nowhere in particular. The queen says the great ruler is still in dire need of energy. Until the silver crystal is found, they’ll use human energy instead. Jadeite appears in blue flames, and says he’ll take care of getting energy for the ruler. He’s got a monster, Morga, already working on it. Queen Beryl approves. 

  

At the jewelry store, there are wall to wall ladies who all love a good bargain. We hear the owner thanking everyone for coming in, and reminding them that everything is on sale. She smiles and thinks to herself, foolish humans. As they wear the jewels, it will drain their energy for the great ruler. We see Jadeite standing in darkness with his hand out, collecting the energy into a sphere. He instructs Morga to continue. Gladly. Usagi and Naru arrive, and her “mom” offers her an extra discount; 500,000 yen down to 30,000. If only Usagi hadn’t failed her test. If only she hadn’t spent her allowance. If only she’d studied more. She gets mad at the test, crumples it, and throws it. It hits a man, who calls her bun-head. He sees her score, and she gets upset. She grabs the test back and storms off. 

  

Along the way, Usagi passes the arcade. Seems Sailor V has already been made into a game. She wonders how awesome it would be to be V. No tests, and kicking bad guy butt. Compared to that she’s nothing. She stands there a moment and cries about it. Seriously. What she doesn’t realize during her water works, is that the cat she saved that morning is watching her. The cat says that’s she’s finally found her. Talking cat? Alright, I’ll go with it. Stranger things have, and will continue to happen. Usagi gets home, and shows her mom the test. Her mom is so upset at the score, that she forces Usagi out of the house like a bad dog. Her brother shows up, kicks her in the butt, and asks what she did this time. Instead of Usagi, it sounds like her name should be Meg. 

  

Back at the jewelry store, all the customers are getting weak and dizzy, and begin passing out. Uh oh! Naru wonders what they should do, but her mom says this should be enough energy for now. In Usagi’s room, she’s finally allowed in the house to rest. She’s lying down, wondering why moms care about grades in the first place. The window opens, and a cat-shaped silhouette can be seen. When the window closes, Usagi wakes and sees the cat with the bald spot. The cat tells her not to be rude. For the umpteenth time today, Usagi freaks out. The cat introduces itself as Luna and thanks her for removing the bandage earlier, as it inhibited her powers and ability to talk. Usagi pretends to sleep. Luna tells her this isn’t a dream. 

  

In an effort to prove it isn’t a dream, Luna presents her with a gold medallion, and loses Usagi to her teenage girl love of sparkly things. Luna says that Usagi is the chosen guardian for this mission. She needs to find the other guardians and their princess. Um, the galaxy already has guardians. I’ll take Peter Quill any day. Oh Starlord my Starlord. Sorry. Guess I’m no better than Usagi. Luna knows that Usagi doesn’t believe her, but still has her repeat the magic words, moon prism power, make up! Time for the makeover challenge. Category is, teenage superhero eleganza. Form fitting white top, with red bow and attached blue mini skirt, elbow length white gloves, knee high red boots, red orbs in her hair buns, and a tiara. Usagi isn’t gonna lip sync for her life tonight. 

  

Her bun orbs start to glow, and she can her Naru’s voice. Luna asks if she believes her now. She tells Usagi that she is now Sailor Moon, and to go help her friend. In the jewelry store, Naru is being choked. Morga says she’ll kill her and her mom and send them to the land of the dead. Not on Usagi’s watch. She is the pretty guardian, who fights for love and for justice. She is Sailor Moon, and in the name of the moon, she will punish you. That’s right, in the name of the moon. You know, the one we love so much we named it “moon”. I’m sure Titan, Mimas, and the others make fun of our little nameless moon. 

  

Morga commands all of her victims to rise, and attack Sailor Moon. Swarms of jewel clad shoppers go after her. One even tries to cut her with a broken bottle. She skins her knee, and starts to whine about why this is happening to her. She doesn’t wanna fight. Let’s go to the tape. Yep, she said she fights for love and justice. Verbal contract. Get fighting. She starts crying that she wants to go home now. There’s no crying in teenage superhero monster fights! Someone back me up here. A rose is flung at Sailor Moon’s feet, and Tuxedo Mask says crying won’t solve her problems. Thank you! 

  

Too bad she can’t help it. The crying starts again, and tears flow. For some reason, this time it breaks the spell on the shoppers. Luna tells her to throw her tiara and yell, moon tiara action! She asks why, and Luna snaps at her to just do it. Now, despite having just been crying, and not knowing why she’s gonna do what she’s doing, this is anime, and we have stock footage to use. She executes all her poses flawlessly. Work! Turn to the left! Work! Now turn to the right! Work! Cover girl! Sashay! Shante! The tiara hits Morga and turns her to dust. The energy sphere that Jadeite had been gathering, dissipates. It’s so hard to find good henchmen these days. 

  

Tuxedo Mask tells Sailor Moon he won’t forget what he saw tonight. Luna starts to praise her too, but Sailor Moon is already fan-girling about how cute Tuxedo Mask is. I certainly wouldn’t Character Crush on him, but you go girl. The next day at school, Naru is saying she had a dream about Sailor Moon rescuing her. Two other classmates say they had the same dream. What about you, Usagi? Usagi? She’s too busy sleeping. Nighty night! 

  

Yu-Gi-Oh! Heart of the Cards

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-by Joshie Jaxon

Long ago when the pyramids were still young, Egyptian Kings played a game of great and terrible power. These “shadow games” erupted into a war that threatened to destroy the entire world, until a brave and powerful pharaoh locked the magic away; Imprisoning it within the mystical millennium items. Now, 5000 years later, a boy named Yugi unlocks the secret of the millennium puzzle. He is infused with ancient magical energy, and is destined to defend the world from the return of the shadow games, just as the brave pharaoh did 5000 years ago. How’s that for series opening voiceover? Damn it’s good. I love this show, despite being nowhere near the actual gameplay until the Battle City arc. Though my own dueling decks may have a little dust on them, my fondness for the cartoon hasn’t faded.

I presume they’re in Domino City. I don’t think it’s ever stated outright that I can recall. For my posts’ sake I’ll say they are. Domino high school. Yugi is teaching Joey how to play Duel Monsters. Tristan harasses Joey’s ability to think. Teá says that Yugi is like an expert. She explains the basics to Tristan, and us as the audience. Bakura is standing and watching as well, but isn’t identified by name, or even speaks. Joey makes a move, but Yugi makes a better one. We see Kaiba sitting there reading a book. He’s too cool to be bothered with such nonsense. That is of course until he hears Yugi mention his grandpa owns a game shop, and has a super rare card. Anyone familiar with my postings knows that I’m usually on the side of the villain, this series will be no exception. I adore Kaiba, and may even write up a Character Crush for him. Oops, as River Song would say, Spoilers.

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At the game shop, Yugi arrives with Joey, Tristan, and Teá in tow. He asks his grandpa to show them his rare card. They all beg, and he says they’re in for a treat. He doesn’t whip it out for just anyone. Well, he is old. Anyhow, he opens a box to reveal a blue eyes white dragon card. So rare, so powerful, it never leaves his hands. Until Tristan takes it for a closer look. Grandpa says it’s priceless, there are only four in the whole world. Joey says he’s ready to trade. No, not for the dragon, in general.

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The door opens and in walks Kaiba. Despite having a company to run, he wants to see the card. Well, he is still a teenager after all. Joey says they should all play sometime. Kaiba would have more of a challenge playing solitaire. He’s the top-ranked duelist in the country.
Kaiba spots the blue eyes, and offers an entire briefcase of cards for it. Even any amount of money he could think of. No dice. Even if it were a common card gramps wouldn’t trade it. It is a treasured gift from a friend. Kaiba storms out of the shop calling him a senile old fool. Girl isn’t used to hearing the word no.

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At Kaiba Corp HQ Seto tells his men he needs them to get something from the game shop. They go the store and challenge gramps to duel Kaiba. Figuring that he’ll teach Kaiba some respect, and not really having the option to say no, gramps accepts. Yugi and gang arrive after school to an empty shop. The phone rings, and it’s Kaiba telling Yugi to come pick up his grandfather. They rush to Kaiba’s office, and find him on the floor. Gramps says he failed in teaching Kaiba respect for the heart of the cards. Joey calls Kaiba sleaze, but Kaiba said they only had a duel, each putting up their rarest card as the prize. Dueling against a champion like him must have been too stimulating, but fair is fair. Kaiba produces the blue eyes, and proceeds to rip it in half. Now it can never be used against him. I call bullshit. Kaiba wants power, and strong cards, at the very least, he’d have held onto that rather than destroy it. It’s episode one, but down the line, we see he has a great deal of reverence for those dragons. Well, maybe just his own.

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Gramps is upset that his treasured card was ripped. He gives his cards to Yugi, and tells him to teach Kaiba the lesson he failed to. Joey says they’ll take care of his grandpa while he takes care of Kaiba. After all, Yugi is the best player he knows, plus he has the millennium puzzle. Teá produces a sharpie, and marks their hands with a smiley face, as a symbol of friendship. They take gramps to an ambulance, but Joey stays behind to cheer for Yugi.

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Kaiba and Yugi are in his special arena. Yugi says playtime is over. His puzzle glows, and we see him surrounded by light. Yugi is now taller, his hair, voice, and demeanor changed. Kaiba reacts like he can see it, but the early episodes have never been 100% clear if the change from Yugi to the Pharaoh is strictly for us as the audience, or if the in universe people can see it too. It’s an issue for later. It’s time to duel!

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The duel starts with Kaiba summoning a monster. When his card is played, a holographic image appears in front of them. “Yugi” deduces that this is how Kaiba overwhelmed his grandpa. Yugi plays his own card as Joey, and Kaiba’s brother Mokuba, arrive to watch. Kaiba loses the first clash, but on his next turn he summons and powers up his dark clown, and uses it to attack Yugi. Yugi draws a random chained leg. Not helpful. Yugi loses monster after monster to Saggi the dark clown. Kaiba taunts that he’s not faring much better than the old man. Yugi believes is his cards, and is rewarded with Gaia the fierce knight. With the clown vanquished, Kaiba pulls out all the stops and summons a blue eyes white dragon. Wait, wasn’t that torn up? Double wait, gramps wasn’t the only one in the world who had one? The dragon, like so many before it, makes short work of the knight.

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Monster after monster are fed to the dragon. Feeling cocky, Kaiba plays his second blue eyes. Now dealing with two dragons, Yugi needs a miracle. Swords of revealing light! Kaiba’s dragons are stopped for three turns. Yugi isn’t about to give up. If only he knew what to do with the two legs and an arm that he’s holding. We hear gramps reminding him that the cards can be like a puzzle, and if all the pieces are put in their place… Yugi then remembers about the time grandpa told him about the only unstoppable monster in the game, Exodia; who can only be summoned if all five cards are assembled, a feat which has never been done. Doubtful, but we’ll go with that. Yugi summons the dark magician to defend.

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However, his efforts are for nothing. Kaiba summons the third blue eyes. See what I was saying earlier about power, and dragon loving? I don’t buy his reason for destroying the fourth. I’d have believed if he’d said it was because you can have more than three of the same card in your deck, but he still could have kept it and not used it. Seriously, if he wanted to be the only owner of a blue eyes in the whole world, you don’t destroy one. Anyhow, the dragon takes out the dark magician. Kaiba tells him that next item all three of his dragons can attack. Yugi will lose no matter what card he draws.

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Yugi starts to doubt himself, and the cards sense it. When he goes to draw a card, he feels like the cards are out of reach. He remembers the friendship smiley, and hears his friends encouraging him to believe in himself. Kaiba tells him to draw his last pathetic card. Grandpa’s deck has no pathetic cards, but it does have Exodia. Riddle me this, Kaiba. What’s the only thing more powerful than three blue eyes white dragons? The answer is Exodia! Alright it’s not a riddle. Just like the symbol he’s summoned from isn’t a pentagram. Stupid US tv edits. Kids don’t know or care about such things. It’s just a cartoon to them. I didn’t get the booby trap joke in Roger Rabbit for years. Sorry, edits done to original works in the name of protecting children irritates me. Kids can handle more than they’re given credit for. Anyhow, Exodia obliterates the dragons, and Yugi wins the duel.

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Kaiba is in shock. Mokuba is in shock. His brother never loses. Kaiba doesn’t understand how he could lose to Yugi. Yugi tells Kaiba that he only plays for power. If he really wants to understand, he needs to open his mind, maybe then he’ll begin to see. A symbol appears on his forehead, he makes a dramatic gesture, and we see a picture of Kaiba crack. The effects of which are seen later.

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Elsewhere, Mr. Pegasus has just been informed that their undefeated champion, Seto Kaiba, was beaten by a boy named Yugi. Pegasus’ golden eye briefly sparkles. I should also note that the censor/editors didn’t care that he’s drinking wine. Until next time. Goodnight everybody!

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JJ

Naruto – Enter: Naruto Uzumaki!

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-by Joshie Jaxon

Twelve years ago, a nine-tailed fox suddenly appeared. It’s tails lashed out, smashing mountains, and sending tidal waves crashing to the shores. The ninja rose up to defend their villages. One shinobi faced the nine-tailed fox in mortal combat; he sacrificed his life to capture the beast, and seal it in a human body. This ninja was known as the fourth Hokage. As mentioned in several prior posts, I love me some good voiceover. This one was courtesy of Sarutobi, aka the third Hokage. It gives us the key event that sets up this series, as well as Shippuden that follows. This is one of my favorite anime, and for good reason, but I’ll get into that later on.

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We open the series with a baby crying, surrounded by candles, an something resembling a tattoo is on his tummy. Flash forward, our titular character is running through the village escaping the adults trying to catch him for painting all over Mount Hokage. That’s not what it’s called, but as it’s four heads of the village’s leaders carved into the stone, you can see why I’d call it that. We see Sarutobi painting as he’s interrupted. Oh no, not Naruto again. This guy knows his people. Naruto manages to get away from his pursuers, but Iruka sensei pops up and tells him to get to class.

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Cut to Naruto tied up at the front of the class. Iruka, being at the end of his rope, pun intended, tries to get through to him. Since Naruto doesn’t seem to care, now the whole class has to practice their transformation jutsu, and turn into Iruka. Sakura and Sasuke do theirs without a flaw. Naruto on the other hand, breaks out his sexy jutsu. He changes to a busty, long-haired, nude, blonde. Obviously distracted, Iruka falls over, which is a running gag in most anime, but not so much here in the states. When we see Iruka upright again, no pun this time, he’s got tissue in his nose. Apparently Naruto is so sexy that rather than blood rushing to his, uh, shiitake mushroom, it came out his nose instead.

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On Mount Hokage, Iruka is supervising the clean up detail, and tells Naruto he’ll be there until it’s clean. Big deal, it’s not like anyone is waiting at home for him. That sentence gives us a glimpse at the fact that Naruto is an orphan. Iruka decides to sweeten the deal, and offers to take him out to dinner if he can see the sexy jutsu again. Alright, he actually says they can go for ramen when the graffiti is cleaned up. Now Naruro is motivated. This isn’t three minute cup o noodles, this is the good stuff. It’s restaurant quality. He’ll be done in no time.

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Later that night, in the ramen shop, Iruka asks Naruto why he did that to Mount Hoakge, and if he knows who they are. Naruto says they were the best of the best, undefeated ninja champs. The fourth is the most amazing, for saving the village from the nine-tailed fox. Again Iruka asks him why he did it. Naruto says he will be greater than any of them. He’s gonna be Hokage one day, then people will have to show him some respect. Naruto asks to try on Iruka’s headband, and is shot down. You can only wear the leaf headband if you
pass the exam.

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The next morning at the academy, the final test will be in the clone jutsu. No! That’s Naruto’s worst technique. Focus, Naruto-San. Wax on, wax off. Not even Mr. Miagi’s teachings can help. Naruto’s clone looks like he molted a shell, while looking like a frog. The other teacher wants to cut Naruto a break, but Iruka says no. He didn’t get to see sexy jutsu last night after dinner, and he’s cranky and frustrated after practicing his hand signs.

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Naruto failed, and was the only one who did. We see him sitting alone while everyone else is having fun together. Two girls start to discuss him, but one shuts the other down, saying it’s forbidden. Meanwhile, the other teacher approaches Naruto for a private conversation. Seeing this, Sarutobi tells Iruka he needs to talk to him. Stranger danger, ninja style! Later that day, teacher and student are talking. We learn that Iruka is like Naruto, with no parents or family. Naruto will never be strong if Iruka goes easy on him. Yet to be named teacher tells him there is a secret way he could graduate.

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Iruka lies on his bed, as Sarutobi’s words go through his head. Because of the nine-tailed fox, he’s never known the warmth of a family. Flashback to Iruka being dragged away while his parents went to fight the fox. The flashback is interrupted when the other teacher tells Iruka that Naruro stole the sacred scroll. The scroll of sealing? Oh no! Relax guys, Naruto is just trying to study. First technique, multi shadow clone jutsu. No, not clones! It’s still his worst jutsu! We see a group meeting with Sarutobi. This is more than just a prank. That scroll contains secrets that were sealed by the first Hokage. Secrets known only to their village. Sarutobi sends them to retrieve Naruto.

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The unnamed teacher thinks to himself about how he’ll take the scroll for himself once Naruto is out of the way. Low blow setting up a kid to take the fall. Let’s think this through though; a kid was able take something, under assumed guard, and get away with it. Not only that, he was able to just open and read the scroll with no on-screen consequences. Now, I know this is episode one, but if that scroll contains such powerful secrets, a kid that can’t make a decent clone shouldn’t have been able to take it, where a teacher presumably failed, despite being a fully trained ninja. Just thought I’d point that out. Back to the show.

In the forest Naruto is panting, as Iruka shows up. Naruto praises him for catching him so fast. He only had time to learn one technique. Iruka can see the progress he’s made. Naruto says he’s gonna show him what he learned, and then he’ll pass. That’s what Mizuki said. Anyone who learns a technique from the scroll, passes. As Iruka realizes that Mikuzi is a traitor, multiple kunai are flung at him. He shoves Naruto out of the way, and is hit by several. Iruka tells Naruto to keep the scroll from Mizuki, since it contains forbidden jutsu.

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Mizuki tells Naruto that Iruka is lying. That Iruka is afraid of him because of the decree. What decree? I’m glad you asked. The nine-tailed fox is inside Naruto! That’s why they treat him like dirt, he contains the fox spirit that cost so many their lives. Naruto’s anger flares, and so does his chakra. Iruka remembers what Sarutobi told him. Naruto always thinks about the family he doesn’t have. He’s always in pain. That’s why he gets in trouble, so people will notice him and pay attention to him. Mizuki tells Naruto to die, and throws a giant shuriken at him. Iruka intercepts it, in the back. Naruto asks him why. Iruka says they’re the same. After his parents died, people ignored him. He became the class clown just to get attention. No one should have to be alone like that. Mizuki tells Naruto that Iruka hates him because the fox spirit that killed his parents is inside him. Naruto takes off running.

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Iruka throws the shuriken from his back at Mizuki. It misses. Mizuki will come finish him off, after he has the scroll. Mikuzi has a big mouth. If Naruto unleashes the nine-tails, they’re all in danger. We see Iruka catch up to Naruto, but Naruto tackles him. It was Mizuki in disguise. That’s ok though, Naruto was Iruka in disguise. You can’t trust a ninja. Mizuki says Naruto is a beast, and will pour his revenge into the scroll. Iruka tells him that’s not who Naruto is. He’s got a big heart, and tries his best. Naruto overheard all of it. He’s so moved, that when Mizuki goes to finish off Iruka, he intervenes. Naruto threatens that if Mizuki lays a hand on his sensei, he’ll kill him. Mizuki laughes. He could finish Naruto with a single move. Naruto says he’ll get it back a thousand fold. Multi shadow clone jutsu!

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Mizuki is surrounded, and Iruka comments that these aren’t illusions, and are solid clones. A lot of progress in one night to master such a technique. We hear the sounds of fighting, then are shown Mizuki unconscious and bruised on the ground. Naruto makes sure Iruka sensei is alright. Iruka calls him closer, he wants to give him something. Back in the village, the search party is baffled that they haven’t found Naruto yet. Sarutobi tells them that the scroll is fine, and Naruto will be back soon. In the woods, Naruto opens his eyes, and is wearing a Leaf Ninja headband. He graduates! Iruka says he’ll take him out for ramen to celebrate.

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JJ

Inuyasha – The Girl Who Overcame Time… And the Boy Who Was Just Overcome

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by Joshie Jaxon

That is a very long episode title to start the series with.

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We open with villagers screaming the series’ name. Alright, they’re actually screaming at the red-clad, white-haired half-demon that just broke out of a net. He crashes into a temple, and takes the shiny jewel of awesomeness. Finally, a way to be a full demon at last. We see a clearly injured woman call his name as she draws an arrow and fires. The arrow of sparkly magic hits him in the shoulder, and pins him to a tree.

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The jewel falls from his hand. Inuyasha sees who shot him. Kikyo, how could you? He thought- Before he can finish, he passes out. Kikyo retrieves the jewel, as her little sister, Kaede, comments on her injury. Kikyo isn’t worried out the pain. She won’t feel it much longer. Kaede is instructed to take the sacred jewel and burn it with her body. Kikyo will take it with her to the next life. We cut to the jewel glowing as the flames consume Kikyo.

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Modern times. Shikon no Ma? No, Shikon no tama. Kagome is getting schooled by her grandpa on what the sacred jewel was. She’s looking at the keychains he ordered, and is surprised he thinks people would buy them. As he tries again to explain, her cat keeps batting at the one in her hand. It makes me giggle, as I have three cats, and that’s exactly what they do. Kagome reminds him that it’s her birthday tomorrow. He got her an authentic mummified hand of a water imp. She gives it to the cat.

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The thousand year old sacred tree. The legend of the hidden well. Kagome has heard these stories all her life, but didn’t believe them until today, her fifteenth birthday. As she leaves for school, she notices her brother is hanging out to the door to the well. He can’t find the kitty. They hear a noise, and he says there’s something down there. Yeah, the cat. Kagome is a bitch, and I love her for it. She hears a noise coming from inside the well. The calls are coming from inside the house! The boards on the well break from the inside, and spectral hands reach out and drag Kagome into the well. They belong to a topples, multi-armed lady demon. Uh oh. Kagome screams for the demon to let her go. Let her go! Can’t hold her back anymore! Kagome’s hand glows, and she gets free.

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Landing in the bottom of the well, Kagome starts to climb out of it. Despite not being in the building she was in when she entered the well, she still feels the need to call for her mom, gramps, brother, and cat. She realizes she’s not in Tokyo anymore. She sees the sacred tree, and heads towards it. Upon arrival, she notices Inuyasha still secured to the tree by the arrow. Roots and/or branches have grown around him, so we the audience know it’s been a while since he’s been there. Kagome goes up to him, and touches his ears. Just had to get that out of her system. Villagers with arrows fire on Kagome, and capture her.

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Bound in the village, Kagome is looking around. She’s noticing all the clothes and hair. What is this, Japanese medieval times? High priestess Kaede arrives, and throws salt or powder on Kagome and tells the demon to be gone. She’s not a demon, she’s just serving Japanese schoolgirl realness. If she’s not a demon, why was she in the forest of Inuyasha? Um, why were the villagers that shot at her? Whatevs, Kaede. She really looks at Kagome, and says “it’s there”. Cut to that night, and Kaede is feeding Kagome. She looks at her, and sees her sister Kikyo. Kaede says it’s been fifty years since she died.

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The centipede demon attacks the village, her target is Kagome. She demands the sacred jewel. Kaede asks if Kagome has it. Schoolgirl is clueless. She’s heard of the jewel, that’s about it. Kaede says they need to get the demon to the dry well, in the forest of Inuyasha. Kagome asks if that’s where the light is shining. Kaede is surprised that Kagome can see the unseen. Kagome flees the village, trying to draw the demon away. As she runs, she pleads for help. Someone! Anyone!

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Inuyasha twitches awake on his tree. He can smell the blood of the woman who trapped him. He reaches for the arrow, and it glows. No breaking your curse today. Kagome arrives, and Inuyasha taunts her about playing with bugs. The Kikyo he knew would never take this long to finish off a demon. Kagome is surprised that Inuyasha is alive. As he calls her Kikyo again, the demon arrives. The villagers manage to harpoon it, but can’t do much else. Inuyasha calls her pathetic. She says she’s not Kikyo. Then why do you smell like her? He sniffs her again, and says she’s not her. Getting her teenage attitude on, she says she’s Kagome. Ka-go-me. Snap! The demon grabs Kagome, and she in turn grabs Inuyasha’s hair.

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Kaede and the others see that Inuyasha is alive. Kaede says the seal should have lasted forever. Time travel moment, but he wasn’t on the tree in Kagome’s time, so we had to know he’d get free. Granted, he’s the title character, so we knew that anyway. The demon mentions the jewel again, and that has Inuyasha’s attention. The demon grows fangs, and Kagome holds out her hand screaming to go away. Her hand glows, and forces the demon back again. Her chest glows, and before she can wonder what’s happening, the demon bites her, and the jewel falls from her body. Inuyasha begs her for the jewel.

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Lady centipede wraps up Kagome against Iniyasha and the tree. She’d heard about a half demon out here. Half is all he needs to kick her hide. He’s so arrogant, I love it. Kagome asks if he can back it up. The demon taunts that they’re both pinned, and helpless. She then eats the jewel, and takes on a more horrific form as she says her power is complete. Inuyasha asks Kagome to pull out the arrow. C’mon, nothing bad will happen if you pull out. Kaede says not to, or he’ll destroy them all. He tells the old hag to shut up, at least with him they have a chance. The centipede just wants to eat them.

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Kagome chooses life, and grabs Inuyasha’s arrow. It dissipates in her hand. Well, it had been fifty years since he’d been touched. Inuyasha is free. The centipede tries to crush them, but with a flex of his power, parts of her are blasted off. He calls her a nasty hag before attacking her. Iron reaver soul stealer! He uses his claws and cuts her down the middle, and into pieces. Kaede tells her to get the jewel or she’ll revive. Once extracted, the body turns to bones. Kaede gives the jewel back to Kagome, who wonders how it got inside her to begin with. Inuyasha tells her humans can’t use it, and to hand it over before he sharpens his claws on her. Wait, he’s not the hero? Credits

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I didn’t get as into Inuyasha as I have other anime. Made it halfway through the series, then was distracted by something shiny. After rewatching the premier, I may need to go back and finish it. The snark and bitchiness appeal to me. I can’t imagine why. Until next time, everyone!
JJ

Dragonball Z – The New Threat

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by Joshie Jaxon

Dragonball Z is the continued adventures of Goku, from Dragonball. I personally didn’t get into DBZ until the Cell Saga, so for me, looking at the older stuff can be a little hard at times, because I know who lives/dies/returns. I try to suspend that knowledge for you, dear readers. I’m not gonna be the guy shouting, it was his sled. Rosebud is a sled. Dammit. Spoiler alert. I should just delete that. Nah. Where was I? Oh yes. Despite starting in the Cell Saga, I’ve since gone back and watched from the beginning sagas on. As well as some of the original Dragonball, and all of Dragonball GT. As a cartoon/anime/manga geek, you can trust that I’ll continue to bring you quality material, from experience drawn on several media formats. On with the show!

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Like any good series premier, we get some voiceover. This time, a slight recap from Dragonball. Five years have passed since Goku and his friends saved the world from the evil King Piccolo. Since he was defeated it has been an era of rebuilding, healing, prosperity, and peace. Unknown to them, a new threat is hurling through space, to bring the era of peace to a crashing end. Damn that’s good stuff. It’s sets everything up so that newcomers don’t feel left out, but doesn’t drone on so that the hardcore fans get bored.

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Chi-Chi is calling out for Gohan, saying it’s time to come home. In the woods, Goku is selecting a tree. We see him punch it, and it topples to the ground. Next we see him carrying it home. Hey, Chi-Chi, check out my massive wood. She has, that’s how they got Gohan. Speaking of which, where is he? Neither of them knows. Parent of the year award goes to…? Joan Crawford? Really? Well, at least she knew where Tina was at all times, unlike these two. Oh well. Maybe next year. Chi-Chi tells him to take Nimbus to find Gohan. They don’t wanna be late to Master Roshi’s.

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Pink emu farm. A farmer bales hay into the back of his truck. He sees something streaking through the sky, and crash. He’s so dumbfounded that his cigarette just hangs in his open mouth. Side note, I’m sure that was edited out in the broadcast, since most references to sex/drugs/alcohol are, but as these are uncut DVDs I get to see a random farmer enjoy his bad habit. Who says uncut things aren’t fun? Anyhow, the farmer drives himself closer to the wreckage. I’m sorry, something crashes, I’m going in the opposite direction. It’s never good.

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This is no exception. The farmer realizes this isn’t a meteor, since it’s metal. It opens, and Raditz emerges. Raditz is serving up the biggest hair in series history, until SS3 Goku years from now, as well as shoulder pads, hip pads, fur belt, mid calf boots, and a garter. He floats up to ground level, and the farmer tells him that he’s trespassing. Raditz checks his scouter, and determines the farmer to be weak. When the farmer shoots at him, Raditz catches the bullet, and flings it right back. He detects a strong power level in the distance and takes off. Prepare yourself, Kakarot! What’s a Kakarot?

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Gohan is crying in the forest. He misses his daddy, and wants to go home. He’s got such watchful parents. He chases after a giant butterfly. He just wants to look at it. If only the tree had an elevator. His request, not mine. He gives up and wanders off, running into a sabertooth cat. It snarls, and drools. Gohan must be tasty. Gohan decides to try playing dead. Ol’ saberfang licks him, ravages his hat, and takes off with it. Gohan’s hat has the four star dragonball on it. Since they don’t cover what the dragonballs are for newcomers, I’ll quickly explain. Gather all seven together, and you get a wish from the great dragon, Shenron. The four star ball was a gift to Goku from his grandpa Gohan, whom the little crier is named for. Little Gohan chases the saberkitty to get his hat back. In his chase, he runs himself right off a cliff, and I presume passes out from the fall.

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He wakes up hanging from a branch by his tail. Oh yeah, he’s got a tail. They really want you to have watched the original, and don’t explain the whole tail thing either. Goku had one as a kid. It’s been cut off, so he doesn’t go apeshit. Literally. Being his son, Gohan has a tail too. Goku still can’t find his son. Gohan continues to whine, and wander. He finds a pretty bird, and tries to talk to it. He ends up falling in a river, and calls for his mommy and daddy to save him. Not gonna happen kid. They don’t know where you are.

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Goku finds the cat in the hat, and asks where he got it. His tone gets less friendly on the second request, and kitty gets scared. Short version, Goku gets the hat. Meanwhile, Gohan is rolling, rolling, rolling down the river. Goku finally spots him, and after the mandatory near save, followed by a chase, and obligatory waterfall, cause, yeah, father, son and hat are reunited.

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Elsewhere, Raditz is flying over a city. It’s worth noting that there are several animal citizens there. As in anthropomorphic bears and such. It’s the norm, and no one seems to care. I know there’s relevance there, I just don’t recall when. Raditz calls the people miserable vermin. In the mountains, Piccolo can sense a strong power approaching. It can’t be Goku. Raditz lands, and apologizes for dropping in. He’s looking for Kakarot, and thought based on power, that Piccolo was him. Piccolo tells him to get lost. Oh, he’d like that. Raditz tells him that his power level is only 322. There’s no way he’s an earthling. Piccolo doesn’t want any trouble, too bad Raditz does. Piccolo hits Raditz with his strongest blast, and he doesn’t even flinch. Raditz is ready to retaliate when he detects a power level that must be Kakarot. He leaves Piccolo in one piece, and follows his scouter to what must be the largest power level on the planet. Piccolo is shaken by the encounter.

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Raditz talks to himself as he flies. Have you forgotten your pride, Kakarot? We’re Saiyans, the mightiest warriors in the universe. He can still remember them sending him to Earth as an infant. They had high hopes for him. Why hasn’t he completed his mission? Kakarot!

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The voiceover tells us that in Raditz search for Kakarot, he found Piccolo,  one of the strongest fighters on the planet, will he find Goku next? Next episode, Goku will discover the secrets of his past. That seems like a spoiler, but perhaps it’s unrelated. I don’t know anything. It’s my first time. Yeah, I’m not buying it either. I bet I say that to all the boys. I’ll just leave you with what I assume it a bad translation, or a possible innocent statement I’m taking dirty, that’s in the credits.

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Seriously, I think Raditz needs to wash his junk. Goodnight everybody! 

-JJ