Category Archives: Cartoons

South Park – Woodland Critter Christmas 

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By Joshie Jaxon

Greetings, geek fans! I’m determined to get holiday specials posted for you guys. After all, for October and December, that’s all that ever shows. I love holiday specials of all kinds. In the event of television series, they usually provide a break from the normal continuity, and allow everyone to have fun. Today’s holiday special kickoff is brought to by South Park. South Park; we take everything that’s decent, and turn it on it’s ass. You’ll laugh, but you may hate yourself for it. Keep in mind, this particular episode is over ten years old, and I still cringe a little. Want to know why? Let the geeks begin! 

  

This episode features voiceover narration, telling the story we’re watching, but in verse. While I am so talented, I’m nowhere near motivated enough to attempt the same. Besides, my unique brand of humor is best left unrhymed. We see the citizens of South Park setting up their decorations, and doing their shopping. After all, Christmas is a store bought holiday. We’re taken to the forest, where the woodland critters are preparing for their holiday. They sing the following, “it’s almost time when the time is here. The time that’s only once a year. We can hardly wait cause it’s so near; a woodland critter Christmas”. Aww, this is gonna be such a sweet story. We are then introduced to the critters, who are all wearing at least one piece of seasonal attire. Squirrelly the squirrel, rabbity the rabbit, beavery the beaver, Barry the bear, porcupiney the porcupine, skunky the skunk, foxy the fox, deery the deer, woodpeckery the woodpecker, mousy the mouse, and chickadeey the chickadee. There’s also a raccoon that I assume is named raccoony, but they don’t name him officially. That somehow seems racist. Stan enters the forest and sees the critters. What the hell? 

  

They all gather around him and asks how he likes their tree. He says it looks nice. Mousy says it needs a star. The squirrel says maybe their new friend will help them out. Stan makes them a paper star for the tree, and they invite him to sing and dance with them for a while. Stan opts to go home. Good call Stan, run away. Run far, run fast. Not listening to me, Stan goes to bed. Cut to 3am, where Stan wakes up to the critters in his room. Stalker critters! They tell Stan that the porcupine is pregnant. He tells them he has school in the morning. The mouse says he doesn’t understand. Deery explains that lady porcupine is a virgin, and the conception was immaculate. So was a Madonna collection, that doesn’t make it right for critters. Foxy says she’s gonna give birth to their lord and savior. Porcupine says she’s due on Christmas Day. Squirrelly says the only problem is they don’t have a manger. Barry says they’ve got to have a manger. Rabbity asks Stan if he’ll help again. The voiceover says Stan did it with joy, but he’s half asleep and doesn’t give a damn. We see him in the forest, finishing the critter manger. Mousy says it’s perfect. The unnamed raccoon asks if they can go to bed. Aren’t raccoons nocturnal? The critters start singing their song, and Stan wanders off. We hear a roar. There’s a mountain lion in the forest. Stan tells it to shoo. Foxy says it must know the porcupine is pregnant and is gonna kill it again. Again? Yes, every year that lion kills the pregnant virgin critter. Porcupine is so very afraid. Wait, there’s nothing to be afraid of this year. This year they have Stanny. 

  

As the voiceover tells us of the lion, Stan says aloud that this is f*cking ridiculous. At the mouth of the lion’s den, Stan roars to lure the lion out. He draws the critter killer out of hiding, and up the peak. How a fourth grader is able to escape a lion is an issue for other day. Stan gets to the edge of the mountain and turns to face the lion. It roars, leaps at him, and falls to it’s death. Um, the entire episode is full of talking, anthropomorphized animals, capable of rational thought. Why, then, did the lion allow that to happen? It didn’t have spacial reasoning to know not to leap off the edge? Whatevs. The twisted stuff is about to happen anyways, cause this is South Park, and it’s been too cute for too long. Stan sees the dead lion, and we hear the sympathy music playing as three lion cubs come out of the den. Mommy? Wake up, mommy, wake up. Don’t leave us mommy! Stan, like me, is gobsmacked at what he’s seeing. A cub asks him why he killed their mom. “The critters… Birth of the savior…” The cubs all cry, and nuzzle around their dead mom’s body. Having nothing helpful to say, Stan wanders off the mountain. 

  

The critters are all gathered around a fire. They says Stan has been gone too long, and the lion must have got him. Their savior is gonna be savior stew. Stan appears in the woods, and the critters rejoice. Wait, does that mean he killed the mountain lion? Yep, it’s dead. The squirrel says their critter Christmas can finally happen. Hail satan! The critters all shout it back. Stan looks shocked. The beaver says he did them a favor, cause without the mountain lion, the porcupine can give birth to the anti-Christ. Stan says he thought she was giving birth to their savior. Yes, their lord and savior, satan. Stan says he thought they mean the son of god. Deery says that’s stupid. God wouldn’t have sex with a porcupine. Foxy says they need to celebrate. Let’s sacrifice rabbity and eat his flesh! Rabbity says to sacrifice him to the devil. The critters cheer, and pull out an altar. They slice the rabbit open, start eating him, and declare they should have a blood orgy. Mousy buries his face in the fox’s ass, Barry bangs the deer while the squirrel gets it’s ear, the skunk mounts lady porcupine, and the beaver tops the raccoon. Stan just stares in horror. Right there with ya, buddy. Brave yourselves, guys. We’re only halfway done.

  

Christmas Eve morning. The critters are decorating their manger with satanic symbols, and turning the star upside down. Owls are laying flowers at the dead mountain lion’s body. The lion cubs, orphaned and alone, try to comfort each other. The voiceover says it’s all because of Stan, that there’s no one to stop the apocalypse. Stan sits at his desk in agony over his actions. The voiceover says that Stan is going back to the forest. Instead, Stan sits on the couch and turns on the tv. Voiceover tries to prompt him to action again. Stan turns up the volume and tells it to shut up. Finally, Stan gives in and goes back to the woods. The critters are happy to see him. They have a big problem. Satan commanded them to have a human vessel to put the anti-Christ into. It must not be baptized, and heathenistic towards Christ. They figured Stan would be perfect. Sorry, he’s not a heathen, he’s baptized and his family is Christian. Maybe he’ll help them find one. No! He’s not doing any more favors, and he’s going to stop them. Barry says they’ll have use their evil satanic powers on him. Whatever, he’s taking down his manger. We hear omen-style music as the critter’s eyes glow red, and flames appear, then crows, then a hell hound. Stan gets attacked and flees. The critters says their powers get stronger every day. The only thing that can stop them is a mountain lion, but it’s dead. Wait, there are three lion cubs on the mountain. 

  

Stan climbs back up the mountain, and calls to the lion cubs. They say it’s the man boy who killed mommy. He’s come to kill them too. It’s ok, the one has been dead inside since their mom died. Better Stan kill them than face the cold death of not having a mom. Stan says he’s sorry. The squirrel had said their mom was evil. They don’t think Stan is too bright. He’s trying to make it right. Only a mountain lion can stop devil worshipping critters. The cubs say they still have their baby teeth, and their baby claws. And a dead mom. Stan says there has to be a way. One of the cubs says an abortion could work. The cubs ask if Stan knows where they could learn. Voiceover says there’s a clinic outside of town, and that Stan took the cubs there. Stan argues that he didn’t, but voiceover says he did. Cut to Stan at the clinic saying, god dammit. The doctor asks what he’s doing there. Stan doesn’t know, he says the lions need to learn how to perform abortions. The doctor says it’s nearly Christmas, he has tons to perform. Cue a sappy, folksy, Christmas song that plays as the doctor gives an abortion, with the lion cubs assisting. Yes, that actually happens. Yes, I’m actually squirming in my seat. Stan sits alone saying that this better have a point. I agree. 

  

It’s almost time when the time is here. The time that’s only once a year… Wait a second, that guy is all alone. We look and see Kyle with his sled. What the hell? The critters ask why he’s alone on Christmas Eve. It’s because he doesn’t believe in Jesus. The critters cheer. Wait, does that mean he’s not baptized. Kyle says he’s Jewish, and the critters cheer again. They gather around Kyle and take him to their manger. That night, as a red star appears in the sky, Stan and the cubs head to the site of critter Christmas. Sadly, they were too late. They enter the clearing and see the devil baby in the manger, while the critters look on with reverence. The squirrel says it brings a thousand years of darkness to the forest. Kyle, bound to the altar asks what’s going on. Stan says it’s critter Christmas and it sucks ass. Stan shouts up at the voiceover that after all that, it’s a thousand years of darkness, and he doesn’t get a merry Christmas. Voiceover mentions sleigh bells overhead, and we see Santa. The critters are happy to see Santa. The raccoon suggests they eat his flesh. Santa wants to know what the hell is going on. The critters say Stan helped their savior be born. Santa tells Stan nice going, and calls him stupid. There’s only one way to stop devil-worshipping critters. Santa pulls out a shotgun and starts blasting them all one by one. Yay Santa! They try to use their satanic powers, but they’re no match for Santa’s shotgun. Wow. There’s a sentence that looks weird out of context. Stan frees Kyle, as the last critter is blown away. What about the anti-Christ? Santa says without a host, it’ll die. Kyle says he wants AC’s power, he can seize control of Christmas for the Jews! 

  

As Kyle absorbs the anti-Christ into himself, we hear Kyle scream, “stop it, Cartman!” Cut to Garrison’s classroom where Kyle is telling Eric not to read one more sentence of his stupid story. Eric says he didn’t interrupt Kyle when it was his turn for a story. Kyle says that Eric is just trying to rip on him for being Jewish at Christmas. Eric asks Mr. Garrison to intervene, but he rolls his eyes saying if Eric doesn’t stop he’ll get a call from Kyle’s mother. Cartman returns to his seat, but the other students want to know what happened to Kyle, and the lion cubs. Kyle asks why they care. Stan says he wants to know if he has a merry Christmas. Kyle predicts he gets killed by Santa to save Christmas. Cartman says that’s not at all what happens. Butters says to let him finish. Everyone else chimes in. Eric is allowed to finish his story. Kyle says he it burns. Stan asks what he expected, it’s the son of the devil. Kyle says he no longer wants to be the vessel for the anti-Christ. Santa says he needs to kill Kyle before the darkness consumes his soul. Stan is ready to cry, but then remembers the lion cubs know how to give abortions. They get AC out through Kyle’s ass, and Santa smashes the little bugger with a sledgehammer. Yay!

  

Santa tells Stan he’s been extra good and can have a special present. Stan knows what he wants. Santa sprinkles his magic over the dead mountain lion mom, and she comes back to life. The cubs are happy to have her back. We see Stan go home and enjoy his holiday meal, get his presents, and it was the best Christmas ever. Everyone lived happily ever after. Except for Kyle, who died of AIDS two weeks later. Dammit, Cartman! 

There you have it. Something that started out with the potential for cuteness, and turned into something you never saw coming. I delight in showing this to people for the first time, such as Bevianna. Her reaction at the first, “hail satan” was priceless. For everything else, there’s MasterCard. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing!

  

Garfield’s Thanksgiving

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 By Joshie Jaxon 

  

Thanksgiving is an often overlooked holiday. As soon as Halloween is over, people are in X-Mas mode. Sometimes even before that. I find this unacceptable. As my anniversary of arriving on this planet, er, birthday, tends to fall on thanksgiving every few years, I like to make sure it is acknowledged. Thanksgiving, not my birthday. That always gets celebrated. In fact, we here at Gay Geek Gab have been working on Joshmas to properly celebrate my presence in the world. It’ll never catch on like X-Mas, but one can dream. Anyhow, there are few thanksgiving specials I would give my time to, but Garfield’s Thanksgiving is one of them. The nostalgia factor alone makes me come back to it every year. Now, without either ado, let the geeks begin! 

We open at casa Arbuckle on the day before Thanksgiving. Jon is trying to sleep, as Garfield walks in. He steps across the bed and moves Jon’s arm so he can look him in the face. Knowing what a busy calendar Jon has, Garfield will graciously allow him to return to sleep, after breakfast has been prepared. Jon rolls over, knocking Garfield off the bed. Now, it’s on. Garfield sets off a boom box on high volume, causing Jon to jump. Garfield returns with Odie, who has cymbals. Garfield tells Jon to do his duty and make pancakes, and coffee. Again I’d like to point out, we as the audience can hear Garfield, but in-universe, he doesn’t speak out loud. His mouth never opens for words or meows, though Odie barks. I just want to be clear on that. His owner can’t hear his words, but is expected to comply with them. We all on the same page here? Good. Odie drives the point home with a cymbal crash, as Jon wonders aloud if people with goldfish have these problems. He’s kinda stupid, isn’t he? 

  

We cut to Garfield finishing breakfast. Jon comes in and starts cleaning the dishes, asking Garfield if the meal was to his satisfaction. Talk about pussy whipped. Garfield says a little less pan and a little more cake next time. He tells his stomach that it’s time for their early mid-morning nap. Odie walks by, and Garfield changes his mind. It’s time to abuse the dog. Odie stands at the edge of the table, as Garfield sneaks up on him. He pauses to break the fourth wall and tell us not to try this at home. Michael Vic must’ve missed this special. Before actually kicking Odie, Garfield sees a note on the calendar that says he has a vet appointment. Garfield hates the vet. It’s inhumane. She thinks she knows what’s good for him. Good for her. But that’s bad for him. Because what’s bad is good for him. But if he goes to the vet and that’s bad, she’ll prescribe what’s good for him, and that’s not good. In an effort to get rid of the calendar, he shoves the date into Odie’s mouth, revealing the next day is Thanksgiving. That’s the day we celebrate food, by eating as much of it as we can. It’s the day people try to eat every turkey, pumpkin and cranberry on the face of the Earth. Excited, he takes the calendar in to Jon, who says they should go shopping. Yeah, get your Thanksgiving meal the day before. Again, kind of stupid, isn’t he? 

  

Garfield and Jon shop over the opening credits. During the drive home, Garfield keeps shoving things in Jon’s face, causing him to swerve. He warns Jon not to bruise his cumquats. There’s a joke in there somewhere. Garfield realizes they aren’t taking the normal way home. Jon says they’re going to the vet. Garfield screams. I presume from the fact that a car full of groceries will be going bad, because Jon is a moron. In the waiting room, Garfield is shaking, and hugging Jon’s head for dear life. Jon tells him to relax. Garfield quips if he wants him to relax, take him to Hawaii. He’s just there for a checkup. Checkout is more like it. Garfield says Jon should just marry the vet, then she’ll make house calls. They get called into the office, and Jon greets Liz. She immediately corrects him that it’s “Dr. Wilson”. He tries again, and she says that he can call her doctor. He then calls her Dr. Liz. Jon asks her about the weather. She says that’s a personal question. He asks her on a date. Liz says she’d rather die. She’s such a bitch, I just love her. Jon keeps pestering her, and with her attention on rejecting him, she doesn’t see the blood pressure cuff causing Garfield to swell. He breaks the fourth wall again to tell us Jon is a dip. We know, kitty. Jon says he’ll hold his breath until she agrees to go out with him. Yeah, Ramone, that’ll happen. Liz says the good news is that Garfield is as healthy as a horse. The bad news is he’s as big as one. As she’s talking about his diet, Garfield is countering her points. Fiber is for sweaters! Water is for birdbaths! Without food there’s no life as we know it! Jon passes out cause he’s too stupid to breathe to stay alive. Liz agrees to go out with him. Yes, really. She can’t stand to see a dumb animal suffer. Jon says he’ll make a big thanksgiving dinner. She sees the silver lining of not being seen in public together. Jon is so excited about his first boy-girl date that he leaves without Garfield, and Liz has to remind him about his cat. Pet owner of the year ova here. 

  

Back at home, Jon sits down for lunch. He hands Garfield his bowl with a single lettuce leaf in it. That’s it? Nope. Jon takes it, and rips it in half. Poor kitty. Garfield sneaks into the kitchen for a snack, but before he can open the fridge, a whistle blows. Jon introduces his new diet monitor, Odie the fierce. Any time Garfield goes off his diet, Odie will blow the whistle and let him know. Garfield threatens Odie, but the whistle is blown. I’m guessing Garfield is wishing he hadn’t kicked Odie off the table so many times. Garfield wanders into the bathroom, and approaches the electronic scale. The talking scale says it can give weight, a fortune, or anything else you want to know. Garfield says to tell him his name. Judging by weight, she assumes he’s Orson Wells. The scale asked for an autograph, and says it’s seen all of his movies. Garfield asks how it’d like to have it’s battery removed. It says it wouldn’t like that. Wait, the scale can understand the thought-speak of the anthropomorphic cat? Sure, why not? Scale says it’s seen Citizen Kane eight times. Garfield has has enough, and jumps on the scale until it breaks. As the scale flatlines, it says “Rosebud”. Nice touch.

  

The next morning Jon is stirring his coffee as he asks Garfield if he slept well. Garfield shows fangs and claws. Well, aren’t we nasty today? Oh well. Nothing is going to ruin Jon’s good mood. He’s got a date with a dreamboat. Ooh, she’ll be there in three hours. Better get the turkey out of the freezer. Yes, he said that. I’d say it’s well established that Jon is a grade-A moron. Jon reads from a cookbook, remove turkey from freezer 24 hours before cooking. Minor technicality, really. You can’t believe everything you read. The only step Jon gets right is to have the bird breast up. When he reads to rub skin with butter, he applies it to his own, not the turkey. Cover with foil and roast at 350 for 5 1/2 hours. He doesn’t have that long. Straight guy shortcut, just set the oven for 500 degrees. Good plan. Now, the veggies. He gets out a pot and adds corn, broccoli, brussel sprouts, turnips, and squash. He adds water and calls it done. If Liz eats anything, she’s getting food poisoning. Jon says the way he heard his mom and grandma talk, he always thought preparing thanksgiving dinner was tough. Only if you deal with the little details like, I dunno, following the directions. Discouraged by his diet, Garfield decides if he can’t enjoy thanksgiving, no one will. He then promptly pours garlic powder all over Jon’s veggies. Trying to ruin Jon’s dinner seems redundant, but kitty vengeance knows no logic. 

  

Deciding he needs to clean himself up, Jon starts by shaving. As he does, he tells Garfield that if you want something in life, you have to take it. He’s a man, right? Garfield says he’s a wimpy man, but yeah, he’s a man. Liz is a woman, right? No, she’s a veterinarian, and a cruel one at that. Jon says Liz is the one, and he’s gonna get her. He’s in charge of his own destiny. Garfield asks if he’s ever considered putting someone else in charge of his destiny. Next, Jon asks for Garfield’s honest opinion as he decides what to wear to dinner. We get a Jon fashion montage. Formal look, with tux. Semi-formal, plaid pants. Informal, jeans and a tee. High roller, with cowboy hat. Sports look, basketball outfit. Disco Jon. Hippie. Lumberjack. Popeye. Ballerina. Gorilla. Garfield sticks his tongue out to all of them. At least that time his communications were understood. Garfield suggests he try dressing as himself. Jon has the same idea. Suit coat, collared shirt, and tie. The only thing missing is pants. Doorbell. Jon is excited, she actually came! He says it’s nice to see her. Liz says he has nice boxers. Jon slams the door in her face, then yells at Garfield for not warning him. Sure, blame the cat. Jon tells him to be nice. First Garfield has to be a fashion consultant, now he has to be an actor. 

  

Jon reopens the door. Liz is still there. Either she has no other possible plans, or she saw through the boxers and knows Jon is packing. Otherwise, you explain why she stays for the rest of what’s about to happen. Liz says something smells. He says that’s just dinner. She was afraid of that. Garfield asks her if she’s fond of indigestion. Jon escorts her to the couch, then goes to the kitchen to check dinner. Odie plops down for pets, while Garfield sits close by. Liz asks about the diet, that he’s been on for a whole day at best, and says she’ll check for deficiency, so he doesn’t get anemic. He says not to forget beri-beri, rickets, and scurvy too. Liz starts listing off symptoms that people who diet can experience. Garfield starts acting each of them out. Unlike his owner, he’s not stupid. Liz says maybe the diet has been too hard on him. She’d rather he was fat and happy, so she offers mild exercise as a solution. Garfield is so excited he kisses her. He can eat. Oh Joy! Oh Rapture! Oh No! Garfield goes into the kitchen to see Jon repeatedly dropping the frozen turkey on the counter. Dinner is ruined. Liz will never speak to him again. Garfield has an idea, and runs off camera. He brings in a phone. Jon says he can’t feed that to Liz. Nitwit! Garfield brings in a record, that’s apparently grandma’s favorite. Should he play it for Liz? Next up, a pillow that grandma knitted. It still doesn’t solve the problem. Have you seen the solution yet, kids? If so, you’re smarter than Jon. Jon isn’t cold, and doesn’t know why Garfield gave him the sweater grandma made last X-Mas. Last chance! Garfield brings in a picture of grandma. Um, knowing his owner is an idiot, he should’ve started with that. Then again, he is still a cat. Garfield breaks the fourth wall again to tell us if Jon had a brain he’d be dangerous. Jon thanks her, and hangs up with grandma. 

  

We hear a motorcycle, and grandma comes through the door. She orders Jon to go entertain his lady friend, and to leave the kitchen to her. Jon goes out and tells Liz that dinner is simmering, or whatever food does. She offers to help. Jon says no, then goes into some lame story about how he likes to reminisce about what Thanksgiving is. She can’t believe he’s serious, but still doesn’t leave. I’m telling ya, tall, lanky Jon is hung. In the kitchen, grandma asks how Garfield is. Better, now that she’s there. She says Garfield is looking thin. Doesn’t Jon feed him. He loves her, and tells her to never leave them. Grandma finds the turkey, and says she likes a challenge, and this looks like one. She pulls out a chainsaw and tells Garfield that it’s war. In the living room, Jon starts in on the first Thanksgiving. Liz is nearly bored to sleep, until they hear the chainsaw. Jon tells her it’s the dishwasher, and continues shouting his boring nonsense at her. Back in the kitchen, grandma is working miracles. Cutting turkey, whipping up sauce, and preparing the turkey slices to be fried. Go grandma, go! Meanwhile, Jon is going on about Canadian thanksgiving and how it’s in October. Grandma asks Garfield about sweet potatoes. Garfield sticks out his tongue. She says he’s never had hers. Cup of butter, cup of brown sugar, and marshmallows. He’s beginning to like them already. Now, the piece de resistance, pumpkin pie. Garfield is in heaven. Grandma juggles all the goodies into bowls, and laps the table, setting it all up as she goes. Damn she’s good. 

  

Grandma slips away, and tells Garfield to warn Liz that Jon’s a keeper, and if she blows it, she’ll answer to her. Fourth wall break, they just don’t make ’em like that anymore. Liz and Odie are asleep, but Jon is droning on. Garfield signals that dinner is ready. Liz and Jon enter the dining room, and she is impressed. So is Jon. We see the four of them sitting around the table. Garfield goes for a roll, and has his paw swatted. Jon places one on his plate. Liz holds an ear of corn, but Odie sniffs at it and she gives it to him. Garfield steals Jon’s plate. Dinner shenanigans. Towards the end, Odie takes Liz’s hand, she takes Jon’s, he takes Garfield’s. Aww, touching family moment. Liz leaves, and says she had a good time. He offers her the same time next year. She says she’ll come before the meal, but after the history lesson. He gets a kiss on the cheek. It’s still an 80’s kids cartoon, we can’t imply they got it on. Jon goes to Garfield and Odie, and says it was a great day. One thing they’re all thankful for, Grandma. Jon says they should go for a walk to burn off the food. Odie can’t move. Jon says he’ll have to go on a diet. Cue Garfield with a whistle. Drop and give me ten! Credits

  

Whatever you celebrate this time of year, remember to be thankful for the people that you have in your life. From all of us at Gay Geek Gab, we appreciate your continued support, and wish you nothing but the best. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

The Legend of Zelda – The Ringer

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By Joshie Jaxon 

Raise your hand if you’re old enough to remember the Legend of Zelda cartoon. Bueller? Bueller? How about the Super Mario Bros Super Show? Anyone? Now I feel old. More so because buzzfeed had an article showing today’s freshmen were born in 2000. They have no idea what either of the shows above are, or that they even existed. Luckily, I’m not only an entertainer, I’m an educator as well. If we don’t pass this information on, it will be lost to time like Song of the South. I’m not saying everything is good, but for accuracy, I’m including this sometimes painful cartoon. Excuuuuuse me, Princess. Let the geeks begin! 

  

The opening sequence has Zelda showing Link the triforce of wisdom, while explaining that the evil wizard Ganon has the triforce of power. Whoever gets both will rule the land forever. Some of you may be asking, what about the triforce of courage? Didn’t exist back in ’89. Maybe it was an aquanet dream someone had. Maybe they eventually realized with a name like triforce, there should be three, three sided objects. Whatever the case, it’s more of a narrative than we get in the game itself, sans manual, of course. Link awakens to another beautiful day in Hyrule. He complains how boring it is. He used to roam the world, fighting monsters, and sleeping in mud. It was a hero’s life. Now he lives in the castle, and sleeps in a bed. Side note, Link sleeps in a nightshirt and nothing else. How do I know this? For starters, the slits on the outer thigh reveal flesh color, which translates to no undies. Anyhow, why does he even stay? He looks out over the balcony, and sees Zelda in her pajama dress. He whistles at her, and she gets offended. A fairy carries a robe out to her, and says she tried to warn her. The fairy waves at Link as he comments to himself about offending her royal prissiness. Meanwhile, moblins have gotten into Link’s room! 

  

The moblins pull Link into the room. From the way he tries to kick, I swear we see his junk. I’m 99% sure of it. Link tells the moblins if they wanted to dance, they should’ve asked. He throws one into his bed, which causes his sword and pillow to fly towards him. Lookout ladies, now he’s got two swords. While trying to dodge a moblin, we get another flash of what can only be Link penis. Those animator’s were dirty, and I love them for it. Like any good slumber party, Link shouts “pillow fight”, and swings his at a moblin, getting feathers in it’s mouth. It’s the 80’s, so the villains are incompetent. They bumble around, and Link finally decides he’s done playing. He charges his sword, and it has the same sound effect as the original NES sword did when it fired a beam. Nerdgasm! He takes out the first two with ease, then holds to sword behind his head and hits the third. It drops a bone bow as a reward. He picks up his belt, opens the small pouch on the side, and shoves the bow into the hammer space that contains all of his goodies. 

  

There’s a knock at the door, and Link says after saving the triforce, a hero should get his reward. He puckers his lips, and opens the door. Zelda slaps him, and tells him never to whistle at her again. He may never whistle again, period. She asks if he ever cleans his room. Well, excuuuuse me, Princess. Had he known she was coming, he’d have had the moblins sweep up before he zapped them. I’ve gotta say, having played nearly every single game in the franchise, this is the only version of Link where we know for sure that he’s straight, and into Zelda. I know it’s assumed in-game that he’s saving her cause he’s into her, but he’s just doing his job. It’s not like Mario and Peach, who occasionally kiss or have hearts around them. To the best of my memory, Link and Zelda have never shown romantic feelings for each other. Granted, that’s a subject for another time. Where was I? Oh yes. Link is laying a guilt trip about fighting off so many moblins, and getting slapped for it. Zelda apologizes, but he just makes her so mad. This was the third attempt by Ganon this month. She orders Link to stay in and guard the triforce. But, it’s such a nice day. Zelda pats his face as she leaves. She’s already late to judge the amateur magician contest. Um, then why is she still in her robe, yelling at Link, rather than tending to her duties? Bad princess! 

  

Ganon’s underworld. He’s screaming and teleporting all over in anger at the moblin’s failure. They’re floating around in a giant glass jar of evil. I presume that’s where they get stored until he summons them later on. They apologize for their failure. He says they’ll be even sorrier. He blasts the jar with electrical looking magic, and they lose their moblin shape as they explode. If minions have souls, I believe they were just destroyed. Yikes! Ganon teleports to his throne long enough to give the old, if you want something done right, do it yourself, line. He teleports in front of the jar, and comments on the amateur magician contest in Hyrule, and he’s going to attend. The triforce of power can talk for some reason, and tells Ganon that he’s a pro. Ganon says they won’t know that. He slips a robe on over himself. Since his teleportation powers don’t work outside the underworld, he wants to travel in style. He summons a carrier, and four robe-clad stalfos to carry him. What a fierce diva. 

  

Hyrule Castle, amateur magician contest. An old man is showing Zelda his growing spell. A tomato on the vine gets bigger and bigger before it bursts all over his and Zelda’s faces. There’s a joke in there somewhere, but since it wasn’t a white splatter, I’ll let this one slide. Laughter is heard from the courtyard. Who dares?! Ganon shows up and says his name isn’t important, but he wants to enter the contest. Zelda asks if he’s an amateur magician. He says he is, then conjures a bird out of thin air. That’s considered amateur in this world? Wow. Zelda tells him to wait his turn. Ganon takes his bird, and we hear the dungeon music from the NES game as he turns it into a keese. He orders it to the tower to see if anyone is guarding the triforce of wisdom. Um, he already knows where it is? After the moblin attack they didn’t find it a new home? How stupid are these people? Link asks Sprite, the fairy, how to get Zelda to like him. She calls her a snot, and says Link should get with her. He comments she’s only three inches high. What, he doesn’t like short girls? For that matter, what does a fairy that’s so small, want with a full grown Link? I know we’ve seen his junk, twice, but c’mon, it’s your size. Maybe she just wants to hug it. The keese reports to Ganon that Link is on guard duty. Ganon then uses his magic to transform a lizard into a gigantic, fire breathing, dragon. Amateur magician, my ass. Oh wait, no one saw him do it. These people need a reality check. 

  

Link hears Zelda scream, and looks down from the tower to see the dragon. He then leaves the high vantage point of the the tower, that the dragon doesn’t know he’s in, to go fight it directly. He grabs a rope, cuts it, and swings down to land on the dragon, bouncing off it’s head, rather than doing something useful like say, stab it in the brain. Link’s shield materializes from hammer space without him pulling it from the pouch, which is good, cause he’d have been roasted. Now that he’s the dragon’s target, he can’t get a clear zap. If only he’d stayed in the freaking tower. Unless he has performance issue and can’t hit a giant target from that far away. Zelda grabs a metal dish, and throws it in the air. Link ricochets some blasts, and shrinks the dragon back to a lizard. The threat gone, Zelda asks what he’s doing. Saving her life, that’s all. He’s supposed to be guarding the triforce. Well excuuuuse me, Princess. Before he can finish, we hear Sprite scream. Powerful lungs for three inches high. Ganon is standing at the window that Link escaped through, which makes me wonder, if his teleport powers don’t work outside the underworld, how did he get up there? Ganon flicks Sprite into the wall, and picks up the triforce of wisdom. You’d think it’d be able to protect itself, at least a little. Especially as it too can talk, and tells him that evil doers always lose. Maybe it can cliche him into putting it back. He lands in his carriage and orders the stalfos to get them out of there. 

  

Now, even though he’s mere steps ahead of them, Zelda and Link just stand there stating that he’s got the triforce, and is getting away. Link even says they’ll never catch him now. Really, bitch? Can jump from a tower for a dragon but can’t take off on foot? No wonder they had to create Epona. Zelda looks at some nuts, and picks the one she likes. She then tells the old man to use his growing spell. I know it’s 4 years too soon for this reference, but magic wand, make my monster grow! The nut becomes a sapling, and Zelda uses it to fling her and Link in Ganon’s direction. They overshoot him by a ways, and Zelda asks how they’re going to get down. Well, if you’d tried on foot, or even horseback, you wouldn’t have this problem, would you? The answer is easy, they fall. Link first, then Zelda falls on him. He says he saved her life again, and asks for a kiss. Stupid 80’s heroes. Game Link has never cared about kissing her, why did they write him this way? Ugh! Sorry. Where was I again? Ganon approaches, and orders his minions to hurry as there’s a secret entrance to the underworld ahead. Link decides to slow him down, and effectively gives him a flat by taking out his front passenger-side stalfos. Ganon goes flying, and drops the triforce. Link laughs at the measly three stalfos, handing Zelda the bow he got earlier from the moblin. Ganon calls for reinforcements as the underworld opens and more stalfos appear. Link orders Zelda to be back to back, and straps them together with his belt. Um, sure. Why not? 

  

The battle starts and Link slashes at stalfos, as Zelda blasts them with energy bolts from the bow. Why they have to be belted together is beyond me. It makes no contextual sense at all. Neither of them has full range of motion, but that doesn’t seem to stop them from winning. Ganon gets frustrated and shows the remaining stalfos how to do it, by shadow boxing while still holding the triforce. Yes, seriously. The stalfos have Zelda three to one. If only Link could just turn around and slash or zap them with his sword. Oh well. Ganon throws a spiked bomb, and Link bends all the way over, and the stalfos holding Zelda are moved into it’s path and are destroyed. Zelda, while still upside down mind you, fires a blast at Ganon which causes his robe to catch on fire, and makes him drop the triforce. Wizard who can conjur bats, and make dragons is afraid of fire. I’m guessing he can’t make water to put it out. Well, maybe in his pants, but unless he whips it out and aims, that won’t help him. The remaining stalfos materializes a bomb from it’s chest. Oh no! Zelda is out of bolts! Link hits it in the air, then zaps the stalfos. Ganon runs to the entrance to the underworld, triforce in hand. Link swings like it’s baseball, and even though he’s beyond the underworld threshold and could teleport, Ganon gets hit by the bomb, and the triforce goes flying, landing in front of our heroes. Zelda is thrilled, and demands Link undo the belt. No. He wants a kiss first. I though Ganon was the pig on this show. Zelda agrees to a smooch, but before their lips touch, Sprite appears and ruins everything. She even releases them from the belt. 

  

Back in the underworld, Ganon is floating in his giant glass container of souls. He says when he gets out of there, Zelda and Link are going to pay. Uh, he’s the one who conjures things out of the jar. He’s also IN the jar. How’s he supposed to get out? At this stage in the game series, he doesn’t have any allies, only servants. None of the minions are powerful enough to get him out. Granted, none of them are free either. I’ll leave you to ponder how he’ll escape. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing!
  

Disney Dynasty – Trick or Treat 

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By Joshie Jaxon 

Happy Halloween, geek fans! Before Marvel vs DC, Playstation vs Xbox, and even before Spy vs Spy, there was Warner Bros vs Disney. Unlike the other examples, where I have a clear favorite, I’m at a draw on these two. I’ve loved Disney shorts, and the Looney Tunes for as long as I can remember. I have several Disney Treasures and Looney Tunes Golden collections. I’m a fan for life, and why wouldn’t I be? These cartoons are able to stand the test of time, even though they were made before tv, cell phones, and internet were a thing. It’s good ol’ fashioned quality humor like Walt used to make. Today’s post is Donald’s Halloween adventure. Let the geeks begin! 

We open on a city. We can see a bell tower, backlit by the full moon, naturally. We hear a witch laughing as she flies through the sky. Based on the clock in the tower, we know it’s midnight. The witch scares the bats hiding in the belfry, and rings the bell, cackling the whole time. Then she approaches a black cat, raises her hat, and scares it. This witch knows how to party. She hops along the fence, stopping at a pumpkin. It turns, and is a Jack-o-lantern. This time she’s the one who gets scared. She and her broom hide behind a tree. 

  

She watches as the pumpkin moves on the head of Louie, who is dressed as a ghost. Huey is a red devil, and Dewey is dressed as himself, but with a small witch hat and broom. As we established, it’s midnight. Why are these three still out trick or treating? They ring the bell, and Donald knows it’s them from his living room chair. Why is he still up waiting on trick or treaters? Where is his brother/sister to keep their kids in line? Anyhow, Donald moves his candy bowl, grabs the firecrackers behind it, and heads for the door. He greets his nephews, and they say their standard “trick or treat”. He puts something in each of their bags, and they thank him. For once, they didn’t start this. The firecrackers go off, and destroy their candy bags. It spooks the witch and her broom, Beelzebub, too. Donald laughs as the kids look upset. Personally, I’m a prankster, but you don’t mess with kids, let alone family, on Halloween. To add insult to injury, Donald gives them their trick too, and pulls a bucket of water down on the boys. He tells them so long, and leaves them to walk home. Alone. At midnight. With a witch in town. 

  

Speaking of, she saw the whole thing. She approaches Huey, Dewey, and Louie. They can’t believe they’re seeing a real witch. She’s so excited that they believe in witches, she’s going to help them get candy from their uncle. She goes back to Donald’s and rings the bell. She introduces herself as Hazel, Witch Hazel, that is. Side note, on my Looney Tunes set, they freely admit they ripped of the name Witch Hazel from this cartoon, but since it’s also a plant, no one could prove it. Anyhow, Donald pulls on her nose, douses her with water too, and closes the door while laughing. Good thing they aren’t in Oz, she’d be dead. She tells the boys that Donald’s more stubborn than she thought. Time for the big guns. Cut to boiling caldron. Witch Hazel recites her spell while the boys grab ingredients. Double double toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble. Eye of needle, tongue of shoe, hand of clock that points at two. She tells Huey this is the real thing, right out of Shakespeare. Neck of bottle, tail of coat, and whiskers from a billy goat. Hazel tastes the concoction, and has a suitable toon-style reaction. She tells the boys it’s loaded, and fills a bug sprayer with the brew. They all gather on Beelzebub and fly off to Donald’s. 

  

Donald is snacking out of his pantry. He hears Hazel laughing, and rushes to the window, to see his nephews riding on a broom. Time for a musical number. There’s a voiceover song as Hazel starts animating objects. She starts with a pumpkin, which moans in Donald’s face. Next, she enchants a paintbrush to paint Donald’s house green. It gets him in the process. She turns a post into a ghost. They all come up the walkway, singing the last bit of the song. When ghosts and goblins by the score, ring the bell on your front door, you better not be stingy or your nightmares will come true. They ring the bell and disappear. Hazel flies handle first into Donald and pins him to the pantry door asking if he’s gonna treat or not. He says yes ma’am, and starts filling his arms. Hazel tells the kids that he’s a pushover. Donald takes objection to that, and puts all the goodies back. Then he locks the pantry door. He lives alone. Who is he trying to keep out of there? Daisy, when she visits? Anyhow, he defiantly swallows the key in front of Hazel. Time for an irresistible force to meet an immovable object. 

  

Hazel has been itching to cast a spell on Donald. Beelzebub holds Donald up by his collar, as Hazel sprays his feet with her brew. Hocus pocus, magic shower, put his feet within my power! Donald’s feet turn blue, so we the audience know they’re enchanted. Hazel orders his feet to kick the key out of him. We hear drums playing the beat as the feet make contact with his ass. 

  

Hazel uses her broom as a banjo and starts singing. Dance with your feet just as fast as you can, flipping like a flapjack in a pan. Hopping and lumping like a flea on a griddle. The key for the door is the key to the vittles. Do si do now mind the rules, with your old flat feet just kickin like new. Promenade way out west, that’s where the cactus grown the best. Now swing down south and turn on the heat. End the dance and take your seat. During all of this, Donald has kicked the key out, and re-caught it with his mouth a few times, despite also being poked in the ass by a very happy cactus. He finally sits right by the fire, gets burned, and spits the key across the floor. 

  

Donald gets to it before Hazel does, and throws it under the very door it’s supposed to open. Now he’s made old Hazel mad. She sprays him with more potion, and casts a spell that’s double grim. She orders Donald’s feet to smash the door down, with him. Donald rams head first into the door several times, but it doesn’t break. Things were built to last back then. She sprays him again while saying it hurts her more than it does him. Yeah, didn’t buy that as a kid, and I don’t buy it now. She orders him to get a mile or two of steam on his next run. Donald runs balls out, cause he doesn’t wear pants, get it? Anyhow, this time he hits the door and it smashes. Donald is dazed on the floor, as Beelzebub starts sweeping up treats. The boys shout hooray for Uncle Donald, as they take his food. Hey, Hazel did all the work, he was just a tool. Hazel tells Beelzebub they need to go, it’s nearly dawn. She flies away telling the kids goodbye. They say goodbye to her as well. At nearly dawn. After Halloween night. With a witch as their only supervision. Ah, the fifties. 

  

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=skdVouumMk4

Looney Legacy – Transylvania 6-5000 

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By Joshie Jaxon 

Happy Halloween, geek fans! Ok, so it’s not Halloween quite yet, but still. I’m excited for this post more than almost any other. Want to know why? What do you mean, get to the cartoon? Screw you! This is an epic post, and not just because it launches our Looney Legacy category. This post is our 100th post on the Gab. That’s right, 100 posts in 7 months, with 6500 views in 70 countries. It is mine and Bevianna’s continued pleasure to bring you our humor. Let the geeks begin!

Transylvania, at night. Something is burrowing through the ground, and up a road. It smacks into a tree, and Bugs Bunny emerges. He rubs his neck and quips that the Pennsylvania hardwoods aren’t too soft. The tree has a sign showing he’s actually in Pittsburghe Transylvania. A two-headed vulture lands on the tree. One head, Agitha, asks who the delicious looking creature is. Bugs asks the ladies, er, lady for the shortest route the Pittsburg. The other head, Emily, says he looks sweet and crunchy. Bugs excuses himself and heads up to the castle, that he thinks is a hotel so he can use the phone. Castles don’t have phones, asshole! Sorry, Rocky Horror moment. 

  

There’s a noose hanging from a skull with chimes for teeth. We see above the coffin shaped door that this is the castle of Count Bloodcount. Bugs apologizes for arriving so late in the night. The Count says it’s never too late, and invites him in. Bugs says he wants to call his travel agency, as he wanders through the cobweb infested “lobby”. Meanwhile, the Count is floating around and ducking behind columns. Bugs wonders why hotels always hide their telephone booths. The Count appears before him, and Bugs thinks he’s the head waiter. He asks about the phone, and the Count leads him further into the castle. 

  

Bugs remarks how charming the place is. There’s interesting decor. We see a piano with teeth instead of keys, including a sign that reads “music to croak by”. There’s a painting of a bat that reads, “mother”. Another that says, “Aunt Harriet”. There’s also a tv with skull buttons and actual rabbit ears. Kids, “rabbit ears” is a term used for the antennae that you needed to have in order to watch tv before everything went digital. Then there’s the picture of ghouls scout camp from 1832. The hallways are all coffin shaped as well. I love visual humor. 

  

The Count opens a door and tells bugs that this is his room. Bugs doesn’t want a room, he just wants the phone. The Count holds Bugs’ head in his hand. Rest first, telephone tomorrow. Rest is good for the blood. Bugs agrees that he is a little fatigued. The Count tells Bugs goodbye, er, goodnight. Opens the door a second later and asks if he’s asleep yet. Nope. The Count says to ring if he needs anything, like a cup of cyanide or the like. Bugs can’t sleep in a strange bed no matter how nice the place is. He looks on the bookshelf for something to read. His choices are, Bone Guide, Blood Type Oh!, Unusual Blood Types, Rise and Fall of the Roman Vampire, Bloody Types, Heath and Care of Fangs, Embalmers Almanac, and Magic Words and Phrases. One of these things is not like the other… Bugs chooses the magic book and reads that magic can performed by potions, or by magic words and phases. We see the Count behind Bugs, ready to grab him, when Bugs says the first magic word, abracadabra. The Count is immediately turned into a bat. Bugs mistakes him for a giant mosquito and swats him. The Count flees out the nearby window. Bugs utters the next magic phrase, hocus pocus, and the Count regains his human form, right over the moat. The vulture asks herself if it was anyone they know. No, but he was a splendid specimen though. 

  

Bugs wanders the castle looking for the restaurant. He hasn’t eaten since Cucamonga. The Count floats through the castle after Bugs, who is humming abracadabra. Once again the Count becomes a bat. Bugs sees him, and says they really should screen this place. He reaches off camera for pesticide and sprays the Count. The Count hangs from a doorway, coughing up poison. Then Bugs sings to himself, hocus pocus. Suddenly the Count is hanging by his shoes, and falls on his head. He’s had enough. The Count flies up to Bugs and declares that he’s a vampire. Bugs says abracadabra, and becomes an umpire. The Count says hocus pocus and changes into a bat. Bugs can be a bat too, a baseball bat, abracadabra. The Count puts his red Sally Jesse glasses on and asks if Bugs would hit a bat with glasses on. Bugs smacks him, and he falls in a crack in the stone floor. Hocus pocus, now I crush you! Abracadabra, and stone crushes the bat Count. Muffled Hocus pocus! Count, looking worse for ware, holds the stone up again. Abracadabra! Crush! Strained, hocus pocus. The Count, with bloodshot eyes, struggles to hold up the stone. Abracadabra! Crushed again. I laugh at this every single time. 

  

Count batty crawls out from under the stone. Bugs, taking off his umpire uniform, says abracapocus. We get human body, with tiny bat head. Then Bugs tries hocus cadabra. We get bat body with human head. Newport News, turns the Count into a witch. Bugs thinks he can do better. Walla Walla Washington! The Count becomes a two-headed vulture. Bugs goes to the window and calls to the lady vulture. Look, Emily! It’s our little friend. Bugs shows them what he’s done, and the Count looks worried. They chase the Count out the window and into the night. She always said, four heads are better than two. 

  

Bugs finally finds the coffin shaped telephone booth. Kids, a telephone booth is something that existed so that if you weren’t home, and needed to make a call, you could insert some money, and do so. This particular type of phone is a rotary phone, where you had to put your finger in the hole, and turn. It sounds dirtier than it is. This was in the pre-mobile phone, touchscreen, google era. Bugs dials the operator, and asks to be connected to the Acme Travel Service in Perth Amboy, USA. Bugs hums abracapocus and gains bat wings where his ears once were. Bugs clicks on the receiver to tell the operator to cancel the call, he’s gonna fly home instead. Bugs flaps his new ear wings, and flies out into the night, silhouetted against the full moon. 
  

It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

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By Joshie Jaxon 

Trick or treat again, geek fans! Halloween is one of my favorites times of the year. As such, despite watching a bunch of cool shows, I neglected to write posts on them as I did. I won’t do that with the Peanuts’ special. It’s a holiday staple, and been around for nearly 50 years. Some of us have been watching it since ’66, while others it started during our respective childhoods. Whenever you started, or if this is your first time, prepare to enjoy my take on the treasured piece of nostalgia. Let the geeks begin! 

We open on October 30th, before sunset. Linus and Lucy leave their house to go pick out a pumpkin to carve. Linus picks up an apple off the ground. Takes a bite. Then throws it away. Ah, the sixties. They arrive at the pumpkin patch, and Linus holds one up. Being the size queen that she is, Lucy rejects it. Linus tries again, and is shot down. Lucy points at one, and Linus struggles to hold it up. I’d say he couldn’t get it up, but this is Peanuts, they don’t set up a lot for my brand of dirty humor, but I’ll still try. Linus carries it back, but can’t get his big load through the opening in the fence. Wow! I’m pleased with myself, a glory hole joke during a Peanuts post. That’s a new high. Or low. Humor is subjective. Moving on. Linus opts to roll the pumpkin around the fence and to his front door. He loses control of it, and nearly crashes on the front step. Lucy, being the caring sister she is, does nothing to help Linus get it up the stairs and seems rather annoyed. Once it’s in the house, Lucy puts paper down, and centers the pumpkin on it. Linus watches in horror as she stabs the pumpkin and begins to gut it. She didn’t tell him she was going to kill it! 

  

The next morning, Charlie Brown is raking leaves. Snoopy sees one falling, and poofs it over to the pile. Linus is busy licking a sucker. Glory holes, and an oral fixation, Linus has a great money making future ahead of him. His lollipop and mouth are covered in leaves. As Charlie Brown glares at him, Linus says never to jump into a pile of leaves with a wet sucker. Thanks for the free advice. Lucy approaches and says she has a football. She wants Charlie Brown to do a few place kicks. Not being a complete moron, he tells her no. She tries again, and good old Charlie Brown sticks to his guns. He says he knows she’s gonna pull it away to watch him fall on his ass. Lucy says she can be trusted. She has a signed document testifying that she promises not to pull it away. Accepting that a document could hold Lucy to her word, he goes for it. Charlie Brown runs full speed, she jerks it away, and he slams to the ground. Peculiar thing about her document, it was never notarized. He’s learning more than she probably intended. 

  

Linus is sitting at the table, writing his letter to the Great Pumpkin. Charlie Brown approaches and asks what he’s doing. Linus smiles and says it’s the time of year to write to the Great Pumpkin, who rises out of the pumpkin patch with his sack of toys for all the good children. Ok, what I want to know is who told Linus about the Great Pumpkin to begin with? Was it a joke by Lucy that got out of control? Was it from some adult that thought it would be a way to make him behave in October before Santa mania took over in November? Did Linus do the Christian thing and take the parts of an existing holiday, that he liked, and call it something new? Sadly, Schultz is dead, and we’ll never know the backstory. Charlie Brown asks Linus when he’s going to stop believing in something that isn’t real. Linus says about the same time Charlie Brown stops believing in the guy with the red suit and white beard, that goes “ho ho ho”. Snap! Linus continues his letter. This time snoopy walks in. Now, we can hear the words Linus is writing, and they’re on screen, but he’s not speaking out loud. Therefore, Snoopy must be able to read, because he starts laughing his ass off at Linus’ letter. He laughs all the way to the living room, and points at the kitchen while clinging to Lucy. She promptly throws Snoopy out of the room, the goes to confront her brother. Oh, not this again! She can’t believe he’s wasting his time writing to a pumpkin. Um, you write to Santa, don’t you? Or are the VanPelt’s Jewish? Either way, what does she care? So the neighborhood thinks Linus is weird. They think she’s a bitch, but she doesn’t care about that. Lucy tells Linus to stop or she’ll pound him. Then some girl who doesn’t even live there comes in and tells Linus that the Great Pumpkin is a fake. Why are all these kids in their house? Cue Sally, asking what Linus is doing. He covers his letter, and says he’d rather not say. She’s too in love with him to think it’s stupid. He begins to tell her the story of the Great Pumpkin. He asks her if she’d like to sit with him. She says yes. Charlie Brown comes back in and takes Sally away. With his letter finished, Linus walks it out to the mailbox. Lucy says she’s not going to help him. He doesn’t need her. He uses his blanket to open the slot, then flicks the letter inside. Linus walks off as Charlie Brown approaches. He got invited to a Halloween party! Lucy, in continuing true bitch fashion, says it must have been a mistake. He must have been on the wrong list. Linus walks to the pumpkin patch with his “Welcome Great Pumpkin” sign. 

  

Time to prepare some costumes. Sally cuts some eye holes in a sheet, holds it up, and scares herself. Did she see the tag about it being a poly-cotton blend? Lucy, Violet, and Charlie Brown also have sheets. Lucy says a person’s costume should be in direct contrast to their personality. She then puts on a witch hat and mask, and we hold on her for a second. We get the irony. Sally asks Lucy if Linus is taking her to the party. No, her blockhead brother is already in the pumpkin patch, making his yearly fool of himself. Sally says maybe there is a Great Pumpkin. Violet says Linus misses tricks or treats ever year, and the Halloween party. Charlie Brown says he’ll never learn. Sally asks if she gets to trick or treat this year. He says yes. She gets excited, then asks if it’s legal. Sally then gets her arms stuck in her eye holes. She’s a special kind of special. Then again, Charlie Brown’s sheet is covered in holes. It must be genetic. What was the sheet budget on this show? Two other kids show up in sheets, and so does Pigpen. Snoopy arrives in a bomber’s cap and scarf. Lucy asks what he’s supposed to be. Charlie Brown explains that he’s a World War One flying ace. Snoopy leaves on his own, as the group leaves to go trick or treat. They stop to see Linus and give him one more chance to join the group and be normal. He asks if they’ve come to sing pumpkin carols. I’ve always liked Linus, he’s weird and doesn’t apologize for it. That’s the real lesson here, kids. Once again Linus says that the Great Pumpkin will rise from the most sincere pumpkin patch. Sally scoffs at him. Linus says he thought little girls always believed everything that was told to them. Sally welcomes him to the 20th century. The group walks away, but Sally, a slave to her not even double digit aged desires, runs back to sit with Linus. Then she tells him if he tries to hold her hand, she’ll slug him. So glad I’m gay. Women are nuts. 

  

The group goes trick or treating, and we see Lucy get a handful of candy tossed in her sack. I paused it, and counted at least 15 items. Why is this relevant? Cause she has the big brass shiny ones to ask for a piece for her brother. To paraphrase Latrice Royal, see, she’s not a complete bitch. Then she says it’s so embarrassing to have to ask for something extra for that blockhead, Linus. Heaven forbid she just share her own. The kids compare their take, a popcorn ball, gum, a quarter. Charlie Brown got a rock. Next house, a candy bar, three cookies, gum. Charlie Brown got a rock. You get the gag, so we’ll move on. Whatever happened to the WW1 flying ace? Charlie Brown says he’s probably prepping his Sopwith Camel. His mission is to find the Red Baron and shoot him down. Not only is Snoopy delusional, with a rich interior life, he’s pulled his owner into the fantasy as his narrator. Minute long sequence of Snoopy “flying” his dog house, shooting at invisible enemies, and getting shot down. He then believes he’s been downed behind enemy lines, and has to make his way through the French countryside. The dog needs a shrink. If only he could do more than woof. We rejoin the kids as they say it’s party time. First, they stop by the pumpkin patch to remind Linus of what he’s missing, and to taunt his beliefs, like the mean-spirited brats they are. The only two for sure that say nothing are Pigpen and Charlie Brown. Sally defends her sweet baboo, as the others walk away. She then turns to Linus and demands to know where the Great Pumpkin is. Linus says he’ll be there. Good. Sally has her reputation to think about, as well as all the fun they’re missing. 

  

Violet’s party. She and Lucy are staring at a pumpkin. They stop Charlie Brown as he runs by, and says they need him to model. The same twerp that mocked Linus earlier says he’ll make a great model. Charlie Brown looks so proud of himself. They set him on a stool, turn him around, and proceed to use the back of his head as a diagram for how they’re gonna design their pumpkin. Haven’t they ever heard of paper? Did their non-existent parents blow their paper budget on sheets? What the hell? Do they wear pink on Wednesdays? Did they ask Charlie Brown why he’s white not brown? For that matter, where’s Franklin? Just gotta remember, it’s 1966. Wait, MLK Jr had his dream in ’63. There’s nothing but white people in this entire special. Sorry, moving on. Snoopy drops in on the party, but is still in his flying ace delusion. Lucy says it’s time to bob for apples. Someone says she’ll be great, she’s got the perfect mouth for it. That’s not all a big mouth can be good for. She’ll he the Rizzo of their group when they get to high school. Lucy goes down for an apple, Giggity, and comes up with one attached to Snoopy. Ick! Her lips touched dog lips! Snoopy walks over to Schroeder and listens to him play on his piano. As the music changes from happy to more dramatic, so does Snoopy’s mood. He gets so upset he cries, and howls. Again, dog needs a shrink. At least he’s aware enough to be embarrassed by his public display. 

  

Back in the pumpkin patch, Sally is talking to Linus. He hears something moving, and gets excited. Is that? Is that? I hear the Great Pumpkin! We see a shadow moving through the patch. There he is! Linus points, as the Snoopy-shaped shadow rises. Linus gets so excited that he faints. He comes to, and asks Sally what he left them. She’s mad. She was robbed! She spent the whole night waiting instead of getting treats! She’ll sue! She could’ve had cookies and candy, and gum! Halloween is once a year! Sally grabs Linus by the shirt and screams, “You owe me restitution!”. The gang approached as Sally was on her tirade. They all leave, as Linus comments on the fury of a scorned woman. He has a slight waiver in his faith, but stays in the pumpkin patch. Back at home, Lucy is in bed as her clock strikes 4am. She gets up, looks in Linus’ room, and sees he’s not there. Since Mr. & Mrs. VanPelt must be passed out from their Halloween bender, Lucy gets her coat on, and goes to retrieve her brother. She gets him home to bed, and gets his shoes off before pulling the blankets over him. Ok, NOW she’s not a complete bitch. 

  

November 1st, Linus and Charlie Brown are behind a wall. No, not like that! Charlie Brown says all he got for his night was a bag of rocks. He asks Linus if the Great Pumpkin ever came. Nope. It’s ok, he did a lot of stupid stuff when he was younger too. What do you mean, stupid? Just wait until next year! You’ll see! Linus rants his way through the closing credits, as Charlie Brown rolls his eyes and has a “good grief” look on his face. 

There you have it, one of the most classic Halloween specials ever. I hope my commentary didn’t ruin it for you, but even if it did, that’s what I’m here for. Until next tomb, slay geeky, and keep stabbing!