Category Archives: Cartoons

Thundercats – Exodus

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By Joshie Jaxon



Thundercats are on the move. Thundercats are loose. Feel the magic, hear the roar. Thundercats are loose. Thunder! Thunder! Thunder! Thundercats! Simple, and catchy as hell. Even before rewatching it I could’ve typed it all out. I had the toys, the tank, all of it. Thundercats and Voltron defined my early childhood viewing, and playtime. There was some Rainbow Brite in there to help me be well-rounded, but it was mostly those two. Let the geeks begin! 

  

Red planet of impending doom. The thunder ship orbits a safe distance away. It’s almost time. Should we wake him? Nah, why bother him. Um, his home planet is about to be destroyed. Someone wake your future ruler. Cheetara will do it. It’ll be easier coming from her. She goes to Lion-O’s chamber, and wakes him. Save for a belt and boots, she appears to be nude. Ah, Thundarian fashion. Wait, Lion-O is nude too, except for boots. Isn’t this supposed to be a kids show? Snarf says that Lion-O needs his rest. Lion-O says he’s practically grown. Oops, you weren’t supposed to notice that. Locker room etiquette, people. Unless he draws attention to it, ignore it. Oh wait, he did draw attention to it. Stare away. 

  

On the bridge, Jaga, who has on clothes, by the way, tells Lion-O to come closer, and watch the telescreen. Say, Lion-O, do you like gladiator movies? Creepy old cat. Lion-O watches the planet explode, and asks what that was. Jaga says it was Thundara, and used to be their home. Um, didn’t Lion-O know he was getting on a spaceship? Did he think they were going for a quiet drive to get ice cream? How cruel are the adults here? Your home is gone, but that’s ok, you’re The Lord of the Thundercats. You’ll keep the spirit of the dead planet alive by living up to it’s code in your new home. Justice, truth, honor, and loyalty. Can you do it? He will! Jaga says he’ll have the help of the nobles; Cheetara, Tygra, Panthro, and Wily Kit and Wily Kat. Way to leave Snarf of the list. Snarf! Snarf! Sorry, had to do it at least once. 

  

Jaga takes Lion-O to another room, which houses the Sword of Omens, and the source of their power, the Eye of Thundara. Lion-O touches it, and it grows bigger in his hand. Well, that’s puberty for you. Jaga tells Lion-O that the sword will give him sight beyond sight, and the eye will protect him. Lion-O asks how. Jaga says it will know before he does. That’s a smart jewel if you ask me. Lion-O says he can’t lift it. Jaga says he doesn’t have the strength. He asks Snarf to retrieve the others. Jaga then resumes telling Lion-O it won’t be long before the sword feels natural in his hand. I know it took a while for me. 

  

The other Thundercats enter, and they’re all nude. Two have belts. They all have boots, but not a single stitch of clothing. We need to break this down for a minute. I get it, they aren’t human, they’re cats. However, they’re humanoid cats. Cheetara only has two breasts, not six to eight. They all have normal human mouths and teeth. Save for Tygra and Cheetara’s coloring, you’d never know they had fur. These are essentially naked people. I’d say the bikini cut lines are to imply underwear, rather than full nudity, but three of the five don’t have a line across their torso to support that. The problem is about to be solved, but again I’d like to point out that Jaga has had clothes on the entire time. If there’s no acknowledgement of nudity among them, why does he feel the need to cover up? They aren’t anatomically correct for humans. I’d assume their feline penises are inside them, or covered by thick fur. We can see abs, and peck definition though, so the fur can’t be that thick. Yes, I’m obsessing, but I’ve got the place to myself tonight, and you, dear readers, will have to deal with my random thoughts. 

  

Anyhow, Jaga gives them clothes and weapons to help protect them from the unknown elements of their new home. Cheetara Kit, Kat, and Tygra all get skin tight outfits, while Panthro gets spiked fetish wear. Before they can play with their new toys, they discover they are under attack. Jaga tells Snarf to watch Lion-O while the rest of them go to the bridge. It’s mutants, from the planet Plun-Darr. Jackalman, Monkian, and Slithe manage to take out one of the convoy. Uh oh! The non-primary Thundercats could be killed! They aren’t named though, so we don’t care about them. More of the convoy ships are destroyed, until only the flag ship with the main cast is left. They should expect company. Yep, grappling beams hit the ship, and the mutants start to melt a hole in the hull. I swear the Decepticons already pulled this stunt. Let’s call it a homage and keep going. Being a cheetah, you can guess who arrives first to defend the ship. Tygra then goes invisible for a second, before attacking some monkey men. Now you don’t see me. Now you do. Riveting dialogue. Meanwhile, Panthro tells the jackals if they were as mean as they are ugly, maybe they’d be trouble. 

  

Slithe and Jackalman still haven’t found the eye yet. If only they knew what it looked like. Slithe says he’s seen it. Hold up, back when Jaga was passing out clothes, he said the sword and the eye’s location were only known to him on Thundara. How in the world does Slithe know what it looks like? How I ask you? How! The answer is convenience. Slithe sees it embedded in the Sword of Omens, and knows it on sight. Lion-O has a raging sword in his hand, but he still can’t lift the damn thing. Snarf tries to defend, but is captured in a net. Don’t forget to gag him! Slithe goes after Lion-O, but he won’t give up without a fight. The sword responds to his need, and glows as Lion-O raises it above his head. He has the power! Seeing a kid handle a massive sword like that is too much. Slithe and the others go back to their ship to fap about what they just saw. Geez this show is dirty. Maybe it’s me. Either way, the mutants are gone. Jaga is impressed. Lion-O says the sword did most of the work. Well, he is at that age. 

  

Damage report, Mr. Panthro. The hull has been patched, but the navigation system is shot. They won’t make it to the galaxy they were headed for. The best they can do is the Milky Way. Wily Kat calls it dinky. Panthro says the third planet from the sun has an atmosphere they could handle. Still, it’s light years away. They’d have to finish the trip in suspension. Jaga orders them into the capsules. He’ll get them to the blue planet. Panthro suggests robot pilot, but Jaga says no. It needs to be done manually as long as possible. Insert joke here. Jaga says the suspension capsules slow the aging process, but doesn’t stop it. Even if he slept, he wouldn’t live long enough to survive the journey. They all enter the capsules, except Lion-O. He wants a goodbye hug and cry. Time for a catnap as Jaga pilots the ship. He lasts until Jupiter, and is raptured out of his clothes. With autopilot active, the ship arrives on the blue planet. Breaking to pieces as it scrapes the ground, and falls off a mountain. 

  

Snarf is the first one awake, of course, and goes looking for Lion-O. He locates his capsule, and claws it open. Lion-O is all big and hunky now. One of his shoulder straps broke in his sleep, and his abs are showing too. It’s a wonder I turned out gay, and not a furry too. Woof! Er, meow! Snarf looks to the sky, and sees that the mutants have followed them. We won’t ask how. We’ll just say a wizard did it. The mutants teleport to the surface, and begin searching the wreckage. Lion-O watches as they find the capsules with the others in them. Miss thing ain’t having that. He charges the mutants, despite having no real fight training that we’ve seen so far. It’s ok, his abs will protect him. Oh, and Snarf, carrying the Sword of Omens. Lion-O catches it, and energy discharges from it. Phantom Jaga appears before him, and tells him that he holds the source of the Thundercats power. Sight beyond sight shows Lion-O the others in their capsules. Time to throw down. 

  

Thunder! Thunder! Thundercats, ho! Thundercat emblem in the sky. Tygra and the others open their eyes, as they glow yellow. The capsule lids pop off. Monkian says the Thundercats are loose. Sounds like a music cue. Damn I love being right. Thundercats are on the move. Thundercats are loose, and kicking ass. As Tyrga, Cheetara and the others fight, they notice Lion-O is part of the fray, and that he’s grown. Wily Kat, who didn’t grow, quips about height not being so great. Then he blows a monkey. With powder, you dirty birdies. Slithe has them teleport back to the ship. Lion-O says he’ll protect the eye from the mutants. Tygra comments what a fine figure of a Thundercat he’s turned out to be. Cheetara says he’s handsome. I think they’re gonna fight over him as the series progresses. At least that’s the backstory I’ll have in mind when I watch it. Although there was no Mumm-Ra, it was still a good premier. Hope you enjoyed the trip down memory lane. Until next time! 

  

He-Man and the Masters of the Universe (2002) – The Beginning, Part 1

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By Joshie Jaxon

I am Adam, Prince of Eternia. Defender of the secrets of Castle Grayskull. This is Cringer, my fearless friend. Fabulous se- Damn, I hate it when my voiceover gets interrupted by blasters. This ain’t your daddy’s He-Man. Well, I suppose it could be, depending on your age. All I mean is, this ain’t the page boy haircut, pink tunic, purple tights and undies He-Man of the 80’s. There may not be as much homoerotic content as the previous incarnation. And no, I don’t mean The New Adventures of He-Man. I have it, but can’t bring myself to watch it yet. I’ll just focus on this one, even though it’s a tad too new to be retro. Let the geeks begin! 

  

Pristine palace of fantastic phallusness. A band of five warriors walks to the entrance of the inner sanctum. The guards stop them, naturally. The leader removes his helmet, and is identified as Captain Randor. He and his crew are allowed inside. They take a knee before the elders. I swear that happened in a missionary porn too. Never mind. Randor apologizes for the intrusion, but Keldor is making his move on the capital. The elders need to evacuate or all the power of Eternia will belong to Keldor. The elders tell Randor that he will defeat the villain, and rule in the elder’s place, as King. Kneel before elders, get a crown. Maybe we should stop ignoring the daddies that troll us on websites. Nah.

  

The wall explodes, and Evil-Lyn, Keldor and company storm the chamber. Keldor is serving up all kinds of blue skinned, long dark hair, goatee, warrior realness. Sexy, blue skinned villain, half brother destined to be King… Michele, what does that remind you of? Sounds a bit like Loki & Thor. Maybe that’s just me. By the way, sorry for the possible spoiler to those of you who may not be well-versed in Eternian history. Actually, no I’m not. Keldor & Randor are related. That’ll make things all the more interesting for the rest of the series. There’s no drama like family drama. 

  

Where was I? Oh yes, Keldor and Randor’s forces face off with one another. Someone activated the fog machine, cause I can’t imagine the inner sanctum of the elders would have any dust to kick up. Speaking of the elders, the disappear in a flash. Literally. Keldor and Randor clash, and Keldor says he’s been looking forward to this. He splits his sword into two, and goes on the offensive. He swirls them like the fierce diva he is. Then leaps and spins, cape billowing for dramatic emphasis, before striking a stone pilar hard enough to split it. Randor evades the attack, but not the griffin that gets him from behind, courtesy of Beast Man. Stratos, as him name suggests, flies to intercept. Once again Keldor and Randor clash. Randor manages to disarm Keldor, but Keldor isn’t beaten yet. He throws a vial of green liquid, marked with a foreshadowing skull, at Randor, who gets a shield up in time. The liquid is deflected back to Keldor. No! His beautiful face! Beast Man and griffin grab Keldor and flee. Randor hears a voice tell him that there will be peace for a time, then a hero will emerge to protect Eternia. 

  

Flash forward, let’s say, sixteen years. Adam and Teela are sparring, and she’s winning. She says she’ll take it easy on him, since it’s his birthday. He doesn’t want her doing him any favors. Maybe this one doesn’t like girls either. Let’s evaluate. Muted purple pants, with lether belt. White sleeveless shirt with red vest. Blonde, bouncy hair. Piercing blue eyes. I’m gonna go ahead and call it. Somewhere, over the Grayskull, way up high… Adam and Teela continue sparring, but this time on floaty disc things. Think Magneto escaping the plastic prison in X2, but without the awesome balls. Well, Adam may have awesome balls. Only Man at Arms knows for sure. He warns Adam that should the forces of evil attack, he needs to be ready. Adam says that his father drove them away years ago. They’re history. 

  

Pan through beautiful Eternian fields, and pass through a shiny wall of retaining goodness, to a desert filled with volcanoes, like it’s not hot enough. Then we see Snake Mountain. Evil-Lyn, Beast Man, Trap-Jaw, and Tri-Klops gather. Trap-Jaw says that HE has come up with a device to destroy the mystic wall. In the throne room, a shrouded Keldor pets Panthor as he reveals his plan to break down the mystic wall. His device lacks a crucial element. It’s taken nearly two years to find it. On cue, Mer-Man appears holding a giant red crystal. Evil-Lyn quips that he could have taken a minute to clean it up. Which he does. By rubbing it on Beast Man. Keldor places it in the device, and tells no one in particular that once the mystic wall comes down, he’ll hunt the elders, and finally claim Eternia’s power as his own. 

  

Back at the castle, Orko is playing music for the banquet, badly. Ram-Man begs him to stop. Time to break out the party tricks. Orko attempts to transform an ordinary pudding, but instead only manager to scare Cringer. The King and queen wait for Adam to arrive. She assures Randor that Adam must be late because he’s primping for the occasion. Nope, Teela brings him in. He’d been sleeping. He didn’t miss the cake, right? Meanwhile, on the something something something dark side of the wall, Tri-Klops and crew set up the device. They set it off, and a giant beam slams into the mystic wall. At the castle, they feel the impact, and assume it’s a tremor. That was no tremor. 

  

Dark side of the wall. There’s a crack. Wasn’t it supposed to come down? Face still unseen, Keldor says they now know where to apply the pressure. Trap-Jaw starts off by slamming his metal claw into it. Tri-Klops blasts it with an eye beam. Some light gets through. Beast Man rides a giant rhino into it. The crack grows again. Evil-Lyn tells the boys to step aside, and recites a spell you’d find in Charmed. “A change is at hand. May this wall turn to dust. It’s utter destruction is an absolute must!” Granted, there’s a lot of power behind it, but c’mon. Let a real diva show you how it’s done. Keldor uses his staff to channel a giant energy beam at the weak point. The crack spreads for him. Giggity. Soon the entire mystic wall crumbles, as Keldor laughs. It’s raining wall! Hallelujah! 

  

At the banquet, Man-E-Faces is using his monster face to act against Orko who is a knight. Shakespeare in the park, this ain’t. Orko says they need a princess. Adam volunteers Teela. She pulls him into a hammer lock, and says she’s no damsel in distress. The crowd laughs. Man at Arms hears a voice in his head, and excuses himself. Orko decides to be the knight, and the princess. You go, Orko. Be who you wanna be. Man at Arms grabs Adam’s shoulder and says he needs to speak with him, and asks Adam to accompany him to Castle Grayskull. Adam assumes it’s for a birthday surprise. Oh, he’ll be surprised all right. Sixteen is the age of consent in Eternia. Wonder if that’ll take any of the thrill out of it for Man at Arms?

  

Elsewhere, Keldor is intimidating a merchant. He demands to know where the Hall of Wisdom is. It stood on this very spot. Merchant tells him is just disappeared one day. Alright, but what about the counsel of elders? They couldn’t have just disappeared. They must be somewhere. 
Back at the banquet, Randor offers up a toast to his son Adam, only to realize he’s not there. He and Man at Arms arrive at Castle Grayskull. Adam says it could use a coat of paint. He’s one of those interior design gays. A falcon screeches as the drawbridge lowers. They enter the castle. Category is, gothic chic. Gargoyles are everywhere, like tchotchkes. We enter a throne room, that has giant wings near it. The falcon cries again, and goes to land on the throne. Instead, it transforms into the Sorceress’ human form. She greets Adam by name, saying she knew this day would come, but didn’t think it would be so soon. He says it’s the same day every year. Next time he’ll invite her. Stupid, young, and narcissistic. Yep, he’s a ‘mo alright. 

  

The Sorceress uses her staff to show Adam the past, explaining how Randor and Man at Arms drove the villains back to Snake Mountain, deep in the dark hemisphere. She, and Man at Arms created a barrier, to ensure they wouldn’t return. It’s worth pointing out that in this version, she can apparently leave Grayskull, and still have powers. With the mystic wall erected, the counsel of elders, containing all the power of Etetnia, transformed themselves into an orb, and hid it within the walls of Grayskull. 

  

Adam thanks her for the story, and tries to leave. She tells him that it’s was foretold that a hero would emerge. Adam gestures to Man at Arms. The Sorceress tells him that HE is the hero, and will be transformed into the defender of Grayskull, and protector of Etetnia. Forces of evil have broken the mystic wall. Adam says they use it for target practice; it doesn’t have a scratch. Clearly he doesn’t understand. He thanks her for the magic show, and leaves to go home. Only to find it in ruin. Credits. What’d you expect? It says part one right there in the title. Until next time! 

  

She-Ra Princess of Power – Into Etheria

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By Joshie Jaxon 


As if He-Man weren’t enough to make a section of impressionable kids gay, there came a spinoff featuring a female protagonist. You know, to appeal to those who would grow up to admire strong women and fierce divas, as opposed to protein shakes, and weight sets. Don’t believe me? Just watch the intro. There’s a backlit She-Ra, a group shot with billowing hair in front of a rainbow, multicolored glitter streams coming from the sword, and She-Ra surrounded by sparkles. I wasn’t interested in girls, but I wanted to be that bitch. I think we all did. We may have wanted to bang He-Man, but we wanted to be She-Ra. On with the show! 

  

Castle Grayskull, the Sorceress’ chamber. How do we know it’s her? Because despite being in bed, she’s still wearing her eagle face diadem thing. She’s having a nightmare about Hordak holding a baby and stating that he may be defeated, but they’ll never see the child again. He fires a beam at the Sorceress and what appears to be a young Man at Arms. She wakes up, calling out “Adora”, as a sword that looks similar to Adam’s appears above her. She follows it to a door, that is opened when the sword hits it with energy. A glowing portal is there. After all this time. Can it be? 

  

In Randor’s castle, Adam and Cringer are in the kitchen. Adam is mixing something in a bowl. Cringer wants it now, but a work of art like Adam’s famous spiced bread takes time. His words, not mine. Totally straight. Nothing out of the ordinary here. That is, until the Sorceress talks to him via telepathy, and summons him before her. Looks like Man at Arms won’t get his spiced bread. He’s still holding a grudge from missing the Eternian white party during the last pilot. Women are always ruining his time with Adam. Getting to play with He-Man is only going to work another few dozen times before he gives up. If only he knew how to quit him. Has anyone made Brokeback Grayskull yet? Someone should. 

  

In front of the glowing portal of mystery, Adam questions where it leads. Sorceress doesn’t know. The door has never opened before. Yet she wants him to go through it, and find someone in the world it leads to. He’s snarky about it, and with good reason. Hard to take him seriously though, in a plunging v-neck pink tunic, but I digress. She can’t go herself, she’s powerless outside of Grayskull. The Sorceress uses her spirit fingers, and the sword materializes for Adam. Why, aside from the jewel, it looks just like his. Too bad she can’t tell him who he’s looking for. Sick of his sass, she tells him to stop asking questions. She can’t tell him anything until he finds the sword’s owner. The universe may depend on his success. Time for Adam to enter an unknown hole. Perhaps this one will lead to glory. 

  

They arrive in Etheria, and it’s brighter and more colorful than Eternia. Cringer is still hungry, so they head to a nearby village, and the Laughing Swan Inn. They have live music, and a full bar. A hooded figure in the corner asks his pink friend with rainbow colored ears, Kowl, if the stranger is part of the Horde. Adam and Cringer ask for food, and the barkeep is surprised Cringer can talk. Doesn’t everybody? Cringer orders fish, and when it arrives, he sucks it clean off the bone. He’s learned a thing or two peeking through Eternian keyholes. Three metal plated people come through the door, and Cringer hides. Adam doesn’t like the look of them. The hooded stranger says they’re Hordesmen, and readies his bow. Turns out his name is also Bow. Not Beau, Bow. Gotta keep it simple, they’re marketing to girls. Ah, the 80’s.

  

The Hordesmen tell the musician to keep playing. He does, but the song he’s playing isn’t to their liking. One uses his probe-looking device to cut the strings on the harp. The music maker calls him a wretch, and that’s a big no no. The Hordesman intimidates him, has him on his knees, and asks if the music maker knows what he’s going to do to him. That scene with Chris Meloni from Oz, comes to mind. Adam tells him to apologize. Bow says that the stranger is brave. Kowl says he’s stupid. The Hordesmen tells Adam he has a loose tongue. Eternian restroom rimming rumors shouldn’t have made it to Etheria. Must be the purple tights, and fur undies. 

  

As the Hordesmen attack, Adam takes care of one, while Bow uses his bow to take out the weapons of the other two. Adam is dressed modestly compared to Bow, who is essentially wearing shoulder pads with a heart on the chest, and attached cape. Gotta show off the arms and the abs. This is for straight girls, after all. Adam and Bow fight the Hordesmen while Kowl hides with Cringer. Bow says he’s not a citizen, he’s a rebel. Adam thanks him, and Bow says it was his pleasure. Adam is far enough from Eternia that I’m sure Man at Arms won’t get jealous. What happens on Etheria, stays in Etheria. 

  

The industrial city/castle of the Horde. Hordak is given a report of the trouncing that his three minions took. Shadow Weaver tells him that her dark magic has shown her that a stranger has appeared on Etheria. He brings the seed of doom for the Horde. Too bad her spells can no longer find him. Catra wonders if the stranger could have been the one that beat their troops. Hordak orders Force Captain Adora to him. He’s going to teach the stranger a lesson about messing with the evil Horde. He changes his arm into a cannon, and shoots an innocent nearby rock. You know, cause he’s evil. 

  

Looks like a version of Brokeback Grayskull was made after all. We see Bow and Adam on a horse, with the latter holding Bow’s waist. They’re in Whispering Woods, HQ of the rebellion. A guard jumps out , and scares Cringer up a tree. Kowl chastises him for scaring their allies. Bow orders him to go tell Glimmer that they have some new recruits. He then tells Adam of the great rebellion. Cringer comments that it doesn’t look that great. Kowl agrees. 

  

In the leader’s tent, Glimmer sees Adam for the first time, and gets all tongue tied. Outside, Sprag shouts that Madame is coming. We see a lady who looks a bit like Orko but with legs, flying in her broom. Bow and Sprag guess how many trees she’ll hit on her landing. Such good friends. Three it was. Madame Razz’s broom reminds her of the message she was supposed to deliver. Help me Bowie-Wan, you’re my only hope. Oops, wrong franchise. The whole village that Bow and Adam were in is under arrest. Bow offers to turn himself in to spare the village. Adam says there has to be another way. Razz says there’s a force captain, and four terrible villains there. They don’t stand a chance. Adam says he might have a friend who can help.

  

In the village, the people are being loaded into a slave ship. Glimmer says Razz can free them while the rest of them attack. Cringer looks ready to wet himself. What about Adam’s friend? Oh, he’ll be ready when it’s time. Meanwhile, Catra says this won’t work to draw out the rebels. Mantenna says they should have fun and destroy the village. Scorpia says SHE’d never let them. Leech says she shouldn’t be leading them. If she weren’t Hordak’s favorite… Adora shows up and tells them to be on guard. Catra purrs that they’re ready for anything. Careful what you wish for, sweetie.

  

Bow fires an arrow that becomes fireworks, and the rebellion attacks. Glimmer catches Scorpia in purple light. Mantenna uses his eye beams to hex the rebels. Catra lowers her tiara down to mask level and morphs into a panther. She goes after Glimmer, who blinks away for a second before reappearing. Too bad Leech grabs her, and drains her power. Bow to the rescue! Cause a show about a strong female lead needs to show that you still need a man to save you. Oops, spoke too soon. Catra pounces on Bow, and Scorpia threatens to use her pincers on him. 

  

By the power of Grayskull, he has the power! About damn time, Adam. Bitch needed a dramatic entrance. Bow is caught between Scorpia at his back, and Leech draining him from the front. Not like that! 80’s kids show, people. As Bow falls to the ground, Adora says that should take care of the rebels. He-Man tells them they haven’t won yet, and to let his friends go. Adora fires on him, and he knocks the blast away, and it hits Leech. Battlecat knocks the mask off Catra, and she reverts to human form. Scorpia goes after He-Man. He says she’s not very ladylike, or much of a lady anyway. He flings her into a melon cart. Battlecat chases Catra, and before he can help, Adora orders Mantenna to go after He-Man. He uses his hexing eye beams to weaken He-Man. Sprag hits him with pepper, and Mantenna sneezes himself into a wall. 

  

He-Man throws his sword at Adora, and knocks her gun away. Battlecat catches the sword. Adora flees, with He-Man chasing after her. Only time he’s pursued a girl in his life. She leads him into a hut and grabs a sword. He draws the sword the Sorceress have him, and breaks hers. The sword begins to glow. We see Adora’s face on the jewel. She’s the one! The one he’s been looking for! A Hordesmen blasts him from behind, and he goes down. Please don’t snap his neck after. Adora picks up the sword, as “to be continued” appears on the screen. 

  

He-Man and the Masters of the Universe – The Cosmic Comet

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By Joshie Jaxon


He is Adam, Prince of Eternia, and defender of the secrets of Castle Grayskull. His companion, Cringer is his fearless friend. Cause, with a name like Cringer, you’ve gotta be fearless. Fabulous secrets were revealed to Adam when he held his sword aloft and said, “By the power of Grayskull, I have the power!”. It transformed Cringer into the mighty Battlecat, while Adam became He-Man, the most powerful man in the universe. Only three people know his secret. Their friend the Sorceress, Man at Arms, and Orko. Together, they defend Castle Grayskull from the evil forces of Skeletor. Now that’s an intro that gets all the exposition out of the way, so that we can dive right in. 

  

We open on Castle Grayskull with Evil-Lyn and Beast Man stating that the stars are just right, and the cosmic comet is passing. Time to open the gates of Grayskull. Evil-Lyn’s eyes glow, and the drawbridge opens, revealing He-Man and Man at Arms. He-Man calls Beast Man fur face, and the latter takes offense. To add injury to insult, He-Man tosses him off the bridge into a lake of mud. I swear that Beast Man says “fuck”, but as this was 1983, and a kids show, I’m sure it was really “suck”. Dude needs to enunciate better. Evil-Lyn attempts to conjure energy bolts to hit He-Man, but they backfire, and she falls in the mud too. Evil-Lyn swears they’ll be back. He-Man says they should clean up first. He’s a little OCD on cleanliness. The Sorceress tells He-Man that it was only a test, and they need to find the comet’s keeper, Zagraz. Where can he be found? Zagraz mountain, of course. Well, that’s convenient.

  

In the throne room, Man at Arms is telling the king and queen that he and Adam need to go away on a secret mission for the good of the kingdom. *cough Eternia white party *cough. King Randor says if it’s so important, Teela should go too. Adam and MaA exchange a look that clearly says, cock blocked. Orko invites himself along as well, and Randor refuses. That is, until Orko offers to practice for the banquet. Randor quickly changes his mind. Again, Adam and MaA look at each other. Dude, really? We’re never alone any more. Poor, frustrated muscle men.

  

Snake Mountain, Skeletor says the time has come. He joins hands with Beast Man and Evil-Lyn so they can join their powers. Since when does Beast Man have powers? I know it’s episode one and all, but come on. One of these things is not like the other… Whatever. Let their evil grow! They summon an energy orb, and send it after the comet. A short moment later, Skeletor says the cosmic comet is under his control, and then proceeds to wave his arms in the air like he just don’t care. White party weekend, y’all! 

  

Adam, Cringer and company travel in a tank, with automated voice response technology. Man at Arms tells it to stop, and it confirms, then asks for instructions. Cringer tells it to turn back. Bad kitty! They arrive on Zagraz Mountain, and he’s glad to have the company. It’s been one, no, two hundred years since he’s had visitors. They ask Zagraz about the cosmic comet, and he says it’s all his fault. There used to be two, but he accidentally destroyed one during a display of his power. The other comet grew lonely without it’s friend. It lost it’s heart. Zagraz feels bad for what he did. Teela reassures him that anyone can make a mistake. That’s great and all, but Zagraz can’t control the comet, and Skeletor can.

  

Speaking of Skeletor, he’s busy telling Beast Man that they need to take care of Zagraz, as he could try to interfere, despite losing confidence in himself after his little mistake. Skeletor orders the comet to send creatures to capture Zagraz. Adam sees them coming, and he and Teela run. He trips, and she goes back for him, so that she can knock him out of the way of the incoming comets. They land, and take humanoid shape. Zagraz says they were made from the comet’s power, but they aren’t alive; they’re more like golems. Cringer ain’t having it, and runs off. Adam is right on his paws, er, heels. Teela attempts to blast one, but nothing happens. Orko tells us that it was Teela’s freeze ray. Man at Arms tries his blaster, but it’s deflected back at him. This isn’t good. 

  

Adam found the cave Cringer was hiding in, and tells him they have work to do. Cringer refuses. That is of course, until Adam pulls out his sword, gets all hunky, and shoots his white magic all over Cringer. Make it rain! He-Man mounts his newly confident Battlecat, and rides to save his friends. Meanwhile, Zagraz tries and fails to control the comet creatures. He-Man smashes them to pieces. Around that time, Teela comes to. She asks where Adam is, and doesn’t get an answer. Zagraz is upset that Skeletor controls the comet. Orko collects the pieces of the comet creatures, and stores them in hammer space. They need to get back to Grayskull. 

  

The Sorceress says she should be able to help Zagraz. He-Man says it’s time to visit Skeketor. Only problem is, Skeketor can see that he’s coming, and sends Beast Man to slow him down. While he does that, Evil-Lyn will help Skeletor summon the comet to defeat He-Man once and for all. On the road to Skeletor, He-Man and the tank discuss old bone head. No one mentions that Adam is still technically missing, and so is Cringer. You’d think He-Man would be better at not blowing his cover story. Then again, if he’s always busy blowing, never mind. Beast Man tries to block their path, but the tank drives right over it. They shoot the wings off his plane, and send him crashing into another puddle of mud. Filthy beast! 

  

On top of Snake Mountain, all covered with cheese… Sorry. Skeletor and Evil-Lyn are holing hands. He orders the comet to raise their powers, so that they can defeat He-Man. The comets blasts them with energy, and Skeletor feels so good, he jumps down the mountain, landing in front of He-Man and the tank. Skeletor tells him to greet Eternia’s new ruler. He-Man calls him a villain, and is blasted for his trouble. Evil-Lyn celebrates the defeat of He-Man. Skeletor reminds her that he’s the one who controls the comet. In a rare display of 80’s villain competency, Evil-Lyn says they should chain He-Man and crew up. As Skeletor tells her not to worry, they are teleported away. Damn that Sorceress. No more games. Time to set the comet on Castle Grayskull. 

  

In Zagraz chamber, the Sorceress says that there’s nothing she can do to stop the comet. Apparently she can teleport three people, but not a chunk of space rock. Zagraz says if they make another cosmic comet, and fill it with light, maybe that will cancel out the other one. If only they had comet pieces. Oh wait, they do. Orko releases the pieces from hammer space. Teela is so happy she could kiss him. Zagraz says the Sorceress will have to meld all the pieces together again. Still no mention of the missing Adam and Cringer, by the way. Zagraz says to touch the reconstituted comet stone, and to focus on the good and light. The new comet glows, and thanks them for allowing it’s heart to beat once more. Talking comet, cause why not? 

  

In the backup jet, Beast Man asks Skeletor if it’s safe. What if Grayskull wasn’t destroyed. Stupid coward, nothing can stop it now. Besides, he wants to watch it happen. He’s kinky like that. Alright, let’s just pause a moment. Nowhere in the opening, or this episode, have they explained why Skeletor wants Grayskull as much as he does. All we know for sure is that he’s the bad guy, just because he’s the one with the skull head. Maybe he’s trying to free Eternia from Randor’s rule, and gay heir, in Adam. We don’t know. Maybe Evil-Lyn was Evelyn until some bitch in high school called her Evil-Lyn, and it stuck. Poor villains. 

  

Zagraz is told by He-Man to get the comet into the sky. He can’t. If he makes another mistake… He-Man doesn’t care about your mistake. Try harder. Zagraz pleads with the comet to fly, but with no confidence, it’s just not happening. I’m sensing a theme. In an effort to buy time, the Sorceress uses her spirit fingers to send He-Man flying at the cosmic comet. He collides with it, but since they’re in the air, with no traction for his feet, I’m not sure how much of a delay they expected to cause. Teela pep talks Zagraz some more, and he managers to get it up for her. The comet, you pervs. The comets collide as He-Man falls to the ground. The talking comets thank them all for their help. Zagraz thanks the group for having faith in him, when he didn’t. Awww

  

Meanwhile, the comets pass by Skeletor, sending him spinning out of control, and shouting He-Man’s name. Hey, it wouldn’t be the first time. The episode ends with Adam sitting with his eyes closed, as balls circle his face. Wouldn’t be the first time for that either. There’s no explanation for where he’d been, or how he got back. Maybe they assumed he snuck to the white party after all. In yet another, wouldn’t be the first time, Adam loses control of his balls, and almost sends one up Orko’s ass. Goodnight everybody! 

  

The moral of the story is to have confidence in yourself, even if you fail. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, again. No really, that’s the lesson. Man at Arms said so.

  

Transformers – More Than Meets the Eye, Part 1

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-by Joshie Jaxon

It’s no secret that I love villains. In general, they get the best powers, lairs, henchmen, outfits, etc. They don’t have to worry about things like morality, or impulse control. They want what they want, and will do what they want to get it. I can’t exactly pinpoint where I got my love of villains, but rewatching the pilot for Transformers I think I found a part of it. You’ll see as you read further.

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Many millions of years ago, on the planet Cybertron, life existed, but not life as we know it today. Again I’ll state, I love me some good voice over. This establishes several things right out of the gate. This take place millions of years ago, by Earth’s accounting of time. Also that these robots can think and feel. Decepticons are driven by domination, and set out to destroy the peaceful Autobots. The voice tells us that the war between the two devastated the resources of the land, and the Autobots, on the verge of extinction, fight to survive. I’m guessing that means the Decepticons are winning, and in control of all the remaining energy.

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My theory is proven correct when we see two Autobots, Wheeljack and Bumblebee, stealing rods. Wheeljack transforms, and tells Bumblebee to load him up. Bumblebee proceeds to insert the rods from behind. Typical Friday night on Cybertron. Seriously, they’re off to a good start. That is of course until they run into a Decepticon blockade. Prime warned him there’d be days like this. As they escape, the Decepticons go after them, and transform into badass looking space jets. See what I mean about villains being better? Although I think they studied at the storm trooper academy, since even though they’re robots, and should be able to analyze and predict where their target will be, nearly all their shots miss. Bumblebee loses a wheel, and Wheeljack says he wants him inside him. He damaged his rear axel. Hang on to your crankshaft, Wheeljack is going into overdrive.

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They arrive at their base, and the platform retracts when they enter. How not having a platform is supposed to stop flying robots is beyond me, but at least they have the illusion of safety. That is, until is nearby street lamp reveals itself to be Soundwave. He launches awesome mix volume one, oops, it’s  Laserbeak, and sends it to spy on the Autobots through the windows. Optimus Prime tells Jazz and the others that unless a new source of energy is found, no one will win the war. One asks about the search mission. Optimus says whenever they’re ready to launch. Oh, if only they were robots that had sensors to detect spies. AMV1 returns to Soundwave to report to Megatron.

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I love Megatron. He’s got power. He can transform into a blaster. Plus he’s got an air of authority around him. Sorry, just had to fan girl for a second. Megatron says if there’s a source of energy to be found, the Decepticons will get it first. He orders Shockwave to keep an eye on Cybertron, soon Optimus will admit defeat. Meanwhile, Starscream says that the Autobots would have lost eons ago if he’d been calling the shots. Usurper! Megatron says that only a select few ever lead. Starscream says his time will come. Never!!

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Back at Autobot HQ, they are ready to launch. After they do, Megatron and the others follow suit. Two asteroids collide with one another, and the impact makes the ships shake. Optimus has Ironhide use the lasers to blast a path through the rubble. Not being stupid, the Decepticons follow safely behind them. Wait, they got detected. Alright, not completely stupid. Starscream says to just blow them away, since they’ve been spotted. Maybe he would make a good leader. Megatron says no, he wants to see what they’re after. Prepare the tractor beam! They connect to the Autobot ship, and a fight ensues. It is interrupted when the gravity of a nearby planet starts to pull them down. The tractor beam breaks, and the two ships crash in separate locations. Information I’m sure will be relevant later.

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We see the area the Autobot ship crashed in, complete with it’s Decepticon passengers. The landscape changes, and onscreen text tells us it’s four million years later. I’m gonna guess that on this universe, they’re what caused the dinosaur extinction. The nearby volcano erupts, which jostles the ship, and powers part of it on for some reason. We pan around to see all the broken robots, both good and bad, all over the ship. A probe leaves the ship, repeating “explore, explore”. It scans a fighter jet nearby, and relays the info to the ship. The ship starts repeating “repair, repair”. Uh oh.

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It fixes up the closest robot, and as luck would have it, it’s a Decepticon. The ship loads the new jet design for him to turn into, and repairs him. Wait a second, this is a civilization of intelligent, feeling, spaceship traveling robots, and the ship can’t tell friend from foe? Seriously? The jet drags Megatron to the beam, and it repairs him as well. Either Optimus is an idiot, or he’s arrogant, to not at least consider that an injured enemy could get on his ship, let alone his arch nemesis. Soon all of the Decepticons are up and about. Megatron says they aren’t in Kansas anymore. The jet asks if Cybertron still exists. Megatron says it must. They will take the resources from this land, and build the ultimate weapon. Starscream starts blasting, and Megatron tells him not to waste his energy. Starscream was just saying goodbye. He fires one more shot, and causes a landslide.

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Sadly, had he listened, this next part wouldn’t have happened, and they may have succeeded. However, the rockslide shook Optimus into the path of the scanner for the repair beam. The probe scans a diesel, and soon Optimus is back on his feet. Stupid Starscream. Meanwhile, Megatron finds an area where they can build a new space cruiser. He orders preparations to be made, pointing out a nearby power plant that can be used for materials. Starscream borrows awesome mix volume two, I mean, Rumble, from Soundwave. The group fly off to destroy the plant.

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Optimus is busy telling the Autobots that this new planet is full of resources, and figures the Decepticons must know that too. He sends Hound and Cliffjumper to go searching for them. Cliffjumper says he’s gonna boot a Decepticon right in his turbo charger. That’s my purse! I don’t know you! Sorry, wrong show. At the plant, Starscream tells Rumble that one day he’ll be listening to his orders. Rumble tells him that Megatron is merciless, and can’t be beat. Starscream says he’ll find a way. Everyone has a weakness. You’d think four million years would chill him out a bit. Oh well, time to wreck things.

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Hound and Cliffjumper find the Decepticons, who have already made lots of progress on their base. Hound uses a small dish to hear what’s going on. Soundwave is telling Megatron they can take our earthly resources, make them into energon cubes, and fly them home in the new cruiser. Fun fact, I used to use mini marshmallows as energon cubes as a kid, and stick them in the Transformers that had a spot I could put them in. Cliffjumper has a giant bazooka from somewhere, and says he has Megatron in his sights. Not really. He misses, and now the Decepticons know you’re alive. Why they didn’t disable the repair device after their own were taken care of is beyond me. AMV1, Laserbeak, is sent to follow them. The two Autobots split up, figuring one of them will get back to prime. AMV1 manages to shoot Hound, and send him rolling down the mountain.

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Cliffjumper returns with an ambulance and a tow truck. Hound says he’s too injured to transform. Cliffjumper is sorry he fired on Megatron. Hound says he should be sorry for missing. Hauler pulls him up, and they head back to Prime. Elsewhere, the jet is talking to three robots half his size. None of them can believe the Autobots survived. One of them must be wondering who was supposed to disable the repair beam. A car drives through the desert, and the jet has the other three transform into a camera. A Polaroid at that. Reflector is made up of three robots, but manages to fit in his hand. Then again, Megatron is handheld too. I’ll just go with it. Apparently the jet’s name is Thundercracker. The villains get all the good names, and forms, if you ignore the camera. Which I will.

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Soundwave gets a report of the vehicle in the desert. Thinking it’s a possible Autobot, Megatron orders the release of awesome mix volume three, er, Ravage. Repair guys get to the wrecked plant, but they have bigger problems. Ravage is a robotic panther. They get in the truck to get away. In the Autobot ship, Optimus is briefed on what was overheard about the energon cubes. Finally growing a pair, Prime says to organize a battle plan. They’re going after them. Mouseketeer role call! Optimus, Jazz, Wheeljack, Sideswipe, Sunstreaker, Jailbreaker, Ironhide, Barrage, all transform and roll out!

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AMV1 returns to the Decepticon base with word of an energy source. Megatron is pleased. Any guesses? Yep, it’s big oil. The Decepticons fly to an oil rig that isn’t there’s, hellbent on taking it for themselves. USA! USA! Oops. The puny humans throw tools and pipes at the giant robots. Yeah, fellas. That’ll work. Not! They all get knocked into the water, as Soundwave prepares the empty cubes. They compress them all from cubes of oil to cubes of glowy energon awesomeness. Starscream is excited, since they can now go home. Megatron says they’re gonna suck it dry. If they weren’t robots, I’d make a joke about this not being the first time he’s said that. Then again, robots do need to be lubricated. Make your own jokes here.

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The Autobots arrive, and Megatron transforms and lands right in Starscream’s hand. Starscream pulls his, um, trigger, and Megatron goes off. The two groups fight, and the Decepticons get most of the energon cubes as the escape. AMV1 attacks Prime as Megatron and the others take off. He blasts the support pillars for good measure, leaving Optimus and the others to swim in the oil filled waters. Actually, the good measure is in lighting the oil on fire. Oh no! There are trapped humans, and Optimus can’t free them. Having never met humans before, he somehow knows to have them keep their heads above water. We end on that cliffhanger. Wow, that’s a lot to cram into the opening episode. I don’t know about you, but I loved every minute of it.

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There’s a question I’ve always had about Transformers. Where do new Transformers come from? Do a mommy bot, and a daddy bot go to the local assembly line and pick what they like from each other’s blueprints? I know the reality is they’re built, not bred, but how do they decide what it’s going to be? I mean that in terms of what it transforms into, as well as will it be Autobot or Decepticon. What if you raise your little scooter, Vespa, to be an Autobot, but it wants to be a Decepticon named Harley? Do you get upgraded? Are they marked with their symbols at “birth”, or do they get to choose? There’s a whole morality issue in there somewhere. I’m aware that I’m overthinking a 30 year old cartoon, but I’ve got nothing better to do with my time. Besides, as an author, I know how important backstory and motivation can be. I’ll leave you to ponder those things as well. Until next time!

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-JJ

Disney Mother’s Day Tribute

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-by Joshie Jaxon

Here’s a salute to all the Disney Moms out there.

Snow White

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Pinocchio

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Dumbo

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Bambi

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Cinderella

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Alice in Wonderland

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Peter Pan

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Lady and the Tramp

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Sleeping Beauty

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101 Dalmatians

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Sword in the Stone

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Jungle Book

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Aristocats

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Robin Hood

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The Rescuers

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Fox and the Hound

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Black Cauldron

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Great Mouse Detective

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Oliver & Company

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Little Mermaid

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Beauty & the Beast

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Aladdin

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Lion King

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Pocahontas

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Hunchback of Notre Dame

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Hercules

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Mulan

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Tarzan

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Emperor’s New Groove

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Lilo & Stitch

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Treasure Planet

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Prncess & the Frog

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Admittedly, there were far more alive mothers than most people give Disney credit for. For them to count on my list, they have to either be the mother of the titular character or princess, or as the titular character, become a mom during their movie.

With the exception of Quasimodo, Tarzan and Bambi’s moms, they all survive their respective movies. Massive props to all the Disney moms that don’t get the recognition they deserve.

Happy Mother’s Day, KO! I love you

-JJ