Console Classics – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV, Turtles in Time

  

By Joshie Jaxon
Major nostalgia attached to this game. Not only did I used to play it in the arcade, I played it at home on the SNES. My cousin and I had a record that we used to able to beat the entire game in roughly half an hour. Sadly, when writing this piece, it took me over an hour. I blame it on the fact I was playing with myself. I mean, that there was no second player. Pervs. Let the geeks begin!

  

The game itself is simple enough. You control either Donatello, Leonardo, Raphael, or Michelangelo. Krang took the Statue of Liberty during one of April’s broadcasts. Once again, Shredder is up to no good. Rather than regular human authorities trying to stop him, cause who can fight a giant android with a living brain in it’s belly? It’s up to our pizza loving heroes. 

  

The first few levels have us travel through Manhattan, alleys, and the sewers. The entire time we get to whomp on the seemingly never ending Foot Soldiers. They’re robots though, so it’s ok that we kick their asses. It’s even more satisfying when you get to throw them at the screen. The end of each level features a member of the Turtles’ rogues gallery. They have a visible health bar, but in case you’re too engrossed to look at it, the weaker the boss gets, the more they glow red/orange/yellow. 
The real fun doesn’t begin until the Technodrome level. You fight your way through it, to battle Tokka and Rahzar. Upon their defeat, they revert to a wolf and turtle. Should you accidentally hurt the wolf version, it makes whimpering noises. Very odd thing to put into a cartoony kids game in the early 90’s, but whatever. After beating those two, it’s time to take on Shredder. He’s in a tank, and firing at you from the screen. Remember how I said you could throw Foot Soldiers? Guess how you defeat Shredder? That’s right, you summon Magneto and tell him that Shredder is anti-mutant. Actually, maybe that was just some bad fan fiction. Moving on. 

  
Once you’ve tossed enough of his flunkies into him, Shredder announces that he’s banishing you to a time warp. Vat the hell is a time vorp? 

  

Alright, I’m just gonna say it, Shredder has time travel technology, and rather than using it to say, I dunno, stop your enemies from mutating in the first place, you decide to hurl them back in time, as well as some minions and a boss, and hope they die before they reach you? Da fuq? Seriously, Saki, your boss is a literal brain and neither of you thought that through? Sigh. The game is fun, but as an adult the logistics of it baffle me a bit. For example, once you beat Slash in the dino-themed level, you just move to a new time period. There’s no explanation as to how or why. Logically, I’m sure the boss has a way to return to their proper time, but why not just ditch the turtles back there, and leave? For that matter, with the boss vanquished, do the Turtles just leave them back there to muck up history? Doubtful. Why not just return to their normal time period? The real reason for this behavior is that this was an arcade game, and we didn’t want a lot of story for our quarter. We wanted to mash buttons and kick some bad guy ass. 

  

After going through all these levels and bosses; 

Big Apple 3am – Baxter

Allycat Blues – Metalhead

Sewer Surfin’ – Rat King 

Technodrome Let’s Kick Shell – Tokka & Rahzar / Shredder 

Prehistoric Turtlesaurus – Slash 

Skull and Crossbones – Bebop and Rocksteady 

Bury my Shell at Wounded Knee – Learherhead

Neon Night Riders – Android Krang

Starbase Where no Turtle Has Gone Before – Krang
We return to the final level, Technodrome the Final Shellshock, where our opponent is none other than Super Shredder. Available now, for only two easy payments of $19.95, plus shipping and handling. Wrong super shredder. This one has three distinct attacks, based on his super saiyan aura color. Red, where he throws fire. Blue, where you can be turned into a turtle-cicle. And green, where you can be turned back into a harmless turtle. 

  

Wait, wait, wait, didn’t I have that idea earlier? Now, not only can he do it, he doesn’t finish you when he had the chance. I know, I know. Whose side am I on? It’s been well established I love villains. That’s not going to change. 

  

With the Shredded vanquished, the Statue of Liberty is returned to her home. April thanks the Turtles, as Splinter stands right there on local, or maybe national tv. Good thing it’s just a game, or there would be consequences in the next episode. In conclusion, this game still holds up 23 years later, and is still challenging. So go play with yourself, or play with a good friend. Just play; you’ll be glad you did. Goodnight everybody! 

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Howard the Duck-Down and Out in Cleve-land

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-by Bevianna Bones

It’s been a while since I have blessed you with an installment of the Howie series.  Mainly due to the fact that a coworker of mine referenced another dwarfish, obnoxious, angry little coworker as “Howard”. It’s been hard to shake the image of him in a duck suit out of my head, but alas, my love for this great cinematic masterpiece is so grand, and it’s so beloved, that nothing can deter me from its magnificent feathery duckboob filled adventures for too long. Now I bring you the next installment of our Howie series…down and out in Cleve-land.

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When we last left Howard, he and Bev had gotten in a big fight; him stating he doesn’t need her charity, and her saying so long duckie! Howard is faced with immediate problems, such as a source for food, clothing, and shelter. He must get a job. Off to the unemployment office he goes. He has donned a new look and meets his sassy-black-lady-with-big-chest-of-drawers case worker. She doesn’t actually have a name in the script, but I’m gonna call her Bertha.  Too much sauce on that chicken!

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Apparently Bertha sees a whole lot of crazy in her day to day affairs, because she isn’t even phased by Howard’s controversial look, in fact she has the perfect job for him. She even tells him he’s gonna take to it like a duck to water.

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Finally some more duck puns. It’s been five minutes since the last duck themed joke, I was starting to get worried that the writers had lost focus of the key elements of this picture.  But Bertha could have been a bit nicer to Howie…afterall, it’s not his fault he has to shoplift in the little tykes section of goodwill.

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Howard leaves with a new career, and we are transported into a magical 80sriffic hot tub paradise. Complete with lava pits. First duckboobs in the first 3 minutes, and now sexy swinging 80s hot tub palace?! How did this not get an R rating. Think of the children.

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You know there’s a porn of that if you Bing it…

Howard’s just about had it handing out towels, lotions and disinfectants. Geez, it must be mating season.  These are Howard’s jokes verbatim, not mine.  He stops for a cig break and we get a glimpse of the sweaty hairy 80s pimp.

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So much wrong here…

He demands Howard to get back to work, as there is a plugged jet in number five. Howard can’t take the humiliation anymore and shoves the sleeze into the dirty lava with a boisterous “I quit!”

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A duck needs to have his dignity! Hmph!

Broke, unemployed, with no where to go, Howard wanders the streets of Cleve-land.  He meets much discrimination and finds out that humans are not very kind to the feathery type. Afterall, it’s duck hunting season.

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I’m not gonna stop til I shoot all those fuckers out of the sky…actual dialogue.

And Howie, stay away from the San Francisco treat…

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Terrified by what he has seen on the television, and backfired cars, he runs off into an all familiar alleyway.  Yes, viewing audience. We are so smart. It’s thee alleyway.

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The one where Howard landed in Cleve-land from Duckworld.  The one where it all began. The one, gasp, where he met Bev. Time for another great Cherry Bomb ditty and Howard makes his way to the bar, to hopefully restore his relationship with the only one who looked out for him.

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Will Bev take him back? Will she give him a chance after how-ie (get it) treated her? Or will she sing more forlorn love songs?

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Don’t Walk Away…

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It’s like she’s singing to me…but how-ied (get it) she know that I was going to be here…

What happens next is a tale of space rabies and interspecial love…but that’s a tale for another day.

-BB

Pride Post – Suicidal Tendencies

By Joshie Jaxon
 

Suicidal tendencies is a misnomer, but it is a better title for a post. That will be my one and only joke on this. This one is vey personal for me. I’m not sure where I want to begin. There’s so much on my mind, that I want to make sure that I share it all, but that I’m also sensitive to those who may be struggling as well. To date, I am thirty-three years old, and while I’ve never actually attempted suicide, I can honestly say that it is something that has gone through my mind more than once during my time on this planet. These thoughts are not something that people are prepared for. Not to discount the ladies, but I think it is harder for men. All our lives we’re raised to be tough, manly, and unexpressive about our feelings; as such, we don’t know how to process them when they happen.

  
 

It’s especially harder on gay men, and youth. Depending on your upbringing, you may have been told nothing one way or another about homosexuals. You may have been raised to respect all people, no matter who they are, since we all have our own struggles, we don’t need to make it worse on others. The flip side of that coin, is that you may have been raised to think that being gay is a sin, evil, an abomination, and that you’re going to hell simply because of who you are, and who you love. As gay men, not only are we raised with one of these mentalities, our parents have no idea what we had to struggle through growing up. Always having to change pronouns, or not looking at someone for too long for fear they might realize that we were checking them out.

  
 

At least in my experience, there was no way to prepare to be the gay man I am today. The struggle was real, and it ate me alive more than I ever would admit out loud or even to myself in private. I just didn’t have the strength to stand up for myself against the world at the time. I still feel like that on occasion. Our hearts get broken, and it is so intense, and so painful that we just can’t process it. Some people stress eat, others cut or self harm, but we’re all just trying to bury, bleed, or avoid the pain because it is just too intense for us to comprehend that it will ever pass. Let me assure you that it does.

  
 

Late last year, a relationship formed that was so fast, and so intense, that it surprised me that such a thing could still happen to me at my age. However, the relationship ended, and I was left as heartbroken as I’d been in years. Even having gone through heartache before, I was still unprepared for such things. I’m not one to cry, and could count on one hand the number of times I have since this century began, and still have a finger left over. Crying is another thing that as boys/men, we’re taught not to do. I think it’s drilled into us that it’s a sign of weakness, and shouldn’t be done. I know in my head that isn’t true, but it’s still not something I allow myself to do. I literally don’t know how. Certain things may bring a tear to my eye, but that’s about it. We need to work on that as individuals, as well as a community.

  

When that relationship ended, it left a void in my heart, and made me question my worth. I didn’t see my place in the world, and for a brief time, I didn’t want to be a part of it anymore. Since I’m here and typing this, obviously those feelings passed. Heartbreak is all encompassing when it’s fresh. Our parents/guardians know from their own experiences, but since so few of us are raised in same-sex households, there’s only so much they are able to draw from to try and get us through it. As homosexuals, we’re the target of hatred and inequality. We can get beaten up by those who think we’re inferior. That’s not something those before us had to really deal with.

  
 

As homos, when we lose someone that was once close to us, we aren’t raised with a “there’s plenty of fish in the sea” mentality. The heteros outnumber us quite a bit. As far as we’re concerned, we may never find another person to love us again. The thought of that sort of existence is depressing to say the least. Couple that with a family that may have thrown you out for being gay, and one could see where it may be easier to just end it all, rather than fighting through the world as it currently is. I’ve lost two different friends to suicide since 2001. In their obituaries, each of their families downplayed their sexuality, if it was even mentioned at all. That sort of action made me sick to my stomach. I know that no matter how I leave this world, my friends/family would make sure I wasn’t homogenized into some watered down, straight-friendly version of myself. Despite having that sort of love and support, which was forged over the years, hell, even having lost friends to suicide, it still didn’t stop the suicidal thoughts from creeping in. I don’t know for certain if there’s ever anything that truly would. Granted, they only surface after I’ve been dealt a particularly rough emotional blow. Currently all I can do is acknowledge the feeling, and focus on the positive things that I have in my life.

  
 

There are some that say that suicide is selfish, or cowardly. As someone who has had those thoughts before, and may again, I’ll agree to a point. In a sense, it is selfish, because you’re out of pain, but you’ve left a world of it behind for everyone else. People love you, and would miss you if you were gone. That, more than anything, is something that we need to remember, and repeat. PEOPLE LOVE YOU, AND WOULD MISS YOU IF YOU WERE GONE. It’s easy to look back, as a stronger person, and see how things used to be. Something that devastated you weeks/months/years ago, may not even cross your mind in the here and now. You aren’t selfish or a coward to not want to be in pain.

  
 

We as a community have suffered in silence for too long, and we need to learn how to be open and expressive about our feelings. If you don’t think that your friends or family would be able to understand, there are still resources are available. The Trevor Project is specifically set up to help with struggling LGBT youth; their number is 866-488-7386. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 800-273-8255. Don’t let things get so bad that you want to extinguish your light. You are beautiful, and the world is, and will be, a better place because you’re in it. Pain is temporary, but death is forever, so don’t make a permanent decision based on a temporary feeling. All my love to you and yours. Stay strong! 

  

Thundercats (2011) – Omens, Part 1

  

By Joshie Jaxon


These were days of peace and prosperity on Third Earth. When one empire stood above all others. Ruling with a just heart and a razor claw. And though omens foretold in the book would be ignored, the tragedy to come was necessary. For it was written that he would be born of fire. A King to lead his people to victory, against ancient spirits of evil. Damn, Jaga, that is some good series set up. Not as catchy as Thundercsts are on the move. Thundercsts are loose, but I’ll take it. I love all things Thundercats, and this reboot is no exception. I love the voice acting, the plot, and the gorgeous animation. Let the geeks begin! 

  

I can’t pretend we don’t already know these characters on sight, so I’m not gonna. Snarf, and a hooded Lion-O are walking through the bad part of town. It’s worth mentioning that in this version, Snarf isn’t anthropomorphic; he’s just a regular cat. It makes him oodles cuter. We see a canine thrown into a stand, with a hulking looking merchant cat threatening him. Lion-O says even though he’s a dog, no one should be treated that way. The threatening cat turns his sights on Lion-O, who makes short work of him and his crew. Snarf, bring a normal kitty, runs between the legs of one of them, and makes him fall. Two minutes in and he’s already being useful. The merchant grabs Lion-O from behind, and has him in a sleeper hold. That is, of course, until he’s rescued by Cheetara. She points out that the king’s son shouldn’t be playing with ally cats. Revealed as the prince, the merchant cat and crew flee from Lion-O. Cheetara wants to know why he’s in the slums. It depends on if she can keep a secret or not.

  

Kitty Castle, throne room. King Claudus is complaining that Lion-O is neglecting his princely duties. Why can’t he be more like Tygra? Tyrga tells his father that’s impossible. Father? How did a lion make a tiger? At the very least he should be called Lygra. Back in the slums, Lion-O takes Cheetara to a friend of his that deals in collectibles, er, black market items. Lion-O says it’s what’s outside Thundera’s walls, it’s what the Book of Omens called, technology. He hands her a Berbil arm, as she calls it fairy tales. The merchant shows him a piece of tech. Lion-O says as cubs they heard tales of ships that could sail through the sky. He never bothered to outgrow them. A bell tolls, and Lion-O splits after paying the merchant. 

  

Tygra looks bored as they wait for Lion-O, who comes running in, apologizing. Claudus tells Jaga to begin the rite of passage. The clerics are ordered to bring in the Sword of Omens. Tygra winks as the one holding it, who has very familiar eyes. Jaga explains that though he’ll one day wear the crown, the Eye of Thundera will be able to see if there is a King inside of him. Lion-O takes the sword as Claudus tells him that it’s what allowed the Thundercats to build their empire. He says he’ll show Lion-O what it’s capable of in the right hands. Tygra tosses him a sword, and Claudus goes after Lion-O with the Sword of Omens. As they clash, Claudus gives us a history lesson. “The book told that it was the Thundercats, our ancestors who first defeated Mumm-Ra. It was the Thundercats who brought law and order to a world of warring animals. It is now the Thundercats who are strong enough to maintain this fragile peace.” Now, I don’t know if he’s setting up the history for this universe, or if his history lesson is in reference to the prior series. Not wanting to make the heads of the modern kids hurt, I’m sure they pretend the original series didn’t exist. However, they cast the original voice of 80’s Lion-O to play Claudus. A small nod for fanboys like me. 

  

Claudus punctuates his story by driving the sword into the ground, as it crackles with electricity. Lion-O takes it, and begins to swing. Lightning builds along the blade as he continues. He touches the sword to the Thundercat symbol on the ground, and holds it in front of his face. Sight beyond site shows him two red glowing eyes. Spoiler alert- they’re Mumm-Ra’s. Lion-O stops, and when Claudus asks why, he says he saw something. Jaga asks what it was. Not wanting to share, Lion-O decides to point out two girls in the courtyard. Meow! Claudus tells him the sword is ready, but he is not. 

  

Later that day, it’s announced that something is approaching the walls to the city. Claudus looks, and is pleased. It appears to be a massive crystal that looks like the corruption in Darksiders II, and Diablo III. As Claudus and sons ride out to meet it, we see that it is being pulled by lizards in chains, as a sabertooth with one fang rides atop it. Um, Slavery is bad, mm kay? Anyhow, Tygra is happy to see Grune, as is Claudus. Anything that big has to be a trap, but I only know this because I’ve seen cartoons before. Claudus asks where Panthro is. Grune says that it’s because of Panthro’s sacrifice that he’s even there, and gives his nunchucks to Claudus. Tomorrow they will mourn, but today they will celebrate.

  

That night, Claudus tells his people of the treasures Grune discovered, and new lands they can conquer. The Trojan stone sits in the middle of the square. We pan through the festivities, and meet Wily Kit, and Wily Kat. She offers to play a man a song for money. He refuses, but once she starts playing, he’s hypnotized by the melody. Meanwhile, Kat picks his satchel for change. She stops playing, and the spell is broken. Elsewhere, cats are throwing fruit at two lizards in the stocks. Lion-O tells them to stop. The lizards beg for mercy. They only stole to feed their families. The one lizard says trying to get mercy from a cat is like trying to get water from a stone. Methinks Claudus isn’t the leader he’s made out to be. The cats have the best land and resources. The other species only get scraps. Tyrga approaches, and calls the lizard a criminal. He mutters that the lizard’s only crime is being weaker than the cats. I smell a revolution.

  

Tygra takes Lion-O back to the castle. It’s time for the games. Claudus dedicates them to Panthro. We see some large, intertwined branches above a pool. Two cats compete to get to the top first and ring the bell. Hitting, kicking, clawing, are all legal. In the royal box, Lion-O asks Grune if he saw any technology on his journey. Grune tells Claudus nothing has changed; one son with his head on his shoulders, the other, up in the clouds. He tells Lion-O he saw all sorts of things, but not technology. Tyrga says technology is a myth, like Mumm-Ra. Grune says he’d have made a great king, but the honor is reserved for the bloodline. Tygra’s adopted. It all makes sense now. The rivalry flared, Grune says they should settle it in the games. Both claw and climb to reach the top. Aside from the crown, Lion-O will always be in second place. Tygra kicks Lion-O down to the pool, and rings the bell. 

  

Later, Lion-O says they all think he’s a fool. Grune said there’s no tech, so he’s just chasing a childish dream. Jaga approaches, and says their greatest king will have the gift of sight beyond sight. Sight is useless without action. Lion-O wants to confess about the mini vision he saw. Jaga says there’s time later, and to go enjoy the party. In the city, Kit & Kat rush home with food and scarf it down. Kat tells his sister that he’ll find the map to the city of treasure, and then they won’t want for anything. Elsewhere, a crowd has gathered around the stockade. Cats are waving torches in the lizard’s faces. Lion-O sees it, and wants it to stop. Tygra says the lizards are their greatest enemy. Maybe they don’t have to be. Lion-O tells the crowd that the lizards don’t deserve this. The crowd says they deserve death. One takes a swing at Lion-O, and Tygra steps up. Cheetara runs through the crowd, and ups the odds. The crowd, knowing full well that two of the three are royalty, attack. This cat society is seriously messed up.

  

Tygra breaks out his whip, and does the now you see me, now you don’t, schtick. He must be announcing that for the radio audience, as there’s really no need to announce to the people you’re fighting, that they can’t see you. It’s not like he’s John Cena. Cheetara, Tygra, and Lion-O whoop on the crowd, until Claudus steps in. He can’t believe Lion-O is protecting lizards. No, he’s protecting themselves from becoming the cold blooded creatures they fear. The cats fear the lizards? Not good. Lion-O asks for their release. Claudus says no. Lion-O says he’s thinking like a King, and there are ways to rule beyond the sword. They wouldn’t have lizard problems if they’d stop repressing them. Claudus has the lizards released as an act of good will between the species. I’m thinking too little, too late.

  

Lion-O watches as the lizards leave the city. Cheetara says she was right, and there is something different about him. Back in the square, kitty-cat Snarf is making faces at one of the crystals in the Trojan corruption stone. Snarf walks away, and we see a reptilian shadow in the crystal. Credits

  
Once again a Thundercat premier with no Mumm-Ra, but at least he was mentioned. This series has a darker, more societal tone to it, and I love it. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

Uncle Sam: I Want YOU…Dead!

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by Bevianna Bones

Happy Independence Day readers!! It’s a great day to be a ‘murican. Whilst y’all are enjoying your roasted weiners, a radio-cooler full of ‘stones, and blowin’ shit up (all in the name of freedom of course) I’d like to turn your attention to the darker side of the holiday. Yes, in keeping with the spirit of tradition, (my tradition of bringing you a truly terrible b-movie holiday “horror” delight) I bring you, Uncle Sam…I Want You Dead!

When Joshie and I were discussing what we should do to celebrate our fabulous independence, it occurred to me that I didn’t have a fireworks filled patriotic b-movie staple in my repertoire to share with you good people. I debated using Birdemic, and pulling another, “whatever, I do what I want” on you, trying to justify the correlation of birds=eagles=murica. But, I felt like that would be cheating you, and ultimately myself from the true magic of the holiday. Or at least from enjoying a holiday horror flick.  The one thing that rings true for all of these holiday themed gems (not Jem, there are no holograms here) is that they are always so chaulk full of ingenious holiday-horrific deaths and the killer always, always is armed with an array of witty holiday puns. (Exp: Thankskilling-“You just got stuffed!”) Long story short, I set out on the interwebs to find answers. Was there a July 4th themed horror movie? While I’d like to take the easy way out and use Independence Day (the thought of sitting through it a second time was too difficult), I found the object of desire in Uncle Sam. From this one screen shot, I knew I had found the one.
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Uncle Sam in a King Vitamin mask licking off a bloody clever? Oh the potential! Thank you, internet, thank you. You have again opened my eyes to something magnificent…or had it?

The plot of Uncle Sam follows the story of Sam, a Master Sargent killed in Kuwait as a result of friendly fire. The movie takes place in his hometown, Twin Rivers.  His adulterous wife is shagging the local sheriff, and upon finding out about his death, she finds it best that they hole up the sarcophagus in her sisters house for some untold reason.  Jody, the brat, obviously disturbed,  finds it best to bring Uncle Sam’s ammo box full of war decorations to class , and thus suffers them through a story about how he died and then the Vietnam draft dodging cowardice teacher tells him how lovely it is, but it was a different time then and he just wouldn’t understand. Jody goes home and is upset that he can’t see his Uncle’s body, but the kindly old creeperphile General tell him that Sam’s suffered a great deal, and that he’s sure that one day, Jody will enlist and become a great war hero too.  Insert two important plot points…one…the general is a creeper and trying to get some bereavementass
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And that, secondanly, coffins are not something to play with.
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I wasn’t playing…then what were you doing Jody…?!?

Actual dialogue here people.

All this talk, talk, talk building relationships and entirely not enough killing up to this point might I add. The most frightening thing so far has been Jody’s apparent obedience to the president.
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I’ll do what the president says, because he knows best….

Again people…Actual dialogue from this thing. What’s wrong with me. I’m going to bed.
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I’m not watching tv, I’m in mourning.

Yep, that’s another one…this kid’s got More zingers than I’ve got useless quips.  But anyway, it’s 45 US minutes into this film, and by golly, we need some deaths already.  Give it another 15 minutes or so, and then we’ll actually get one. You see, it’s all building up to the Fourth of July shindig that’s about to go down…and Sam’s not having it you see.  So many unpatriotic folks in Twin Rivers. Except for good old Jed.  The wise old Negro.
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Ya see, Jed was an old sergeant that had his leg, and not to be mistaken, none other parts blown off in a land mine. (Actual dialogue again…this thing makes its own jokes) Anyway, Jed used to tell Sam his old war stories, back when they knew what were and what the why’s and what for’s were. In classic Chef wisdom, Jed convinces Jody that war is not all its cracked up to be.
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One zinger too many, and Jody is sent off to bed without supper and falls asleep reading a very murican letter from uncle Sam about how all those unumerican peeps should have their butts kickedfor bein’ unumurican and someshit.
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Flash to the youth. The youth are always causing trouble in movies, and leave it to them to be very unumerican indeed. What with their graffitin and flag burnin…Sam just can’t take this shit anymore. His corpse rises from the sarcophagus and steals back his medals from the creepy kid, pins them on his zombichest and seeks out to get amurican on all these unumerican bastards!! Liberty!!!!!

But wait…before we get to any actual killing, still nearly an hour in, let’s get to what’s really
important. The obligatory boobies scene

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But it’s really ingenious in this one how it sneaks up on you…they tie it into the first killing. And not in that kill the slut kind of way that most horror flicks do…this one sets it up nicely. The first victim…the creeper dressed like Uncle Sam, is peeping in a window. And well, peepin Tom’s are just unumerican and Sam sets forth to kill the little pervy with some garden sheers. Finally, tits and death in the same 5 minutes, this movie is alright afterall, but more importantly, this is where Sam gets THEE Uncle Sam costume. He even tailors it to fit with the bloody garden sheers.

Time for more killing. Sam just got started and now he’s on a roll. Off to the cemetery to take care of the rest of those flag burnin youth. He takes out the leader of the pack via ocular spray paint; red, white, and blue, of course and then buries him alive on account of a
broken leg. Eagles scracaw!! Let freedom ring!!!
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Not assaitiated yet, the next Nazi youth is strung up to hang to death on flag pole. I will give this movie this, as slow as it was to get going, it sure took off in excitement in the last half.  Well, we’ve made it to the 4th of July celebration. The townsfolk are all gathered together to celebrate. But wait, there’s something missing. The hatchet. Of course. But where is it? In the draft dodgin’
teachers’ head of course!
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For no apparent reason, or plot arc, we are now introduced to a blind burnside kid in a wheelchair, who’ s family shows up to the festivities. No one can believe it, for this is the dangers of playing with fireworks people.

There are lessons to be learned here. In addition to being maimed, apparently, his freak accident left him with a 6th sense, to where he can speak with resurrected killing machine zombie veterans, and he knows exactly what plan Sam has hatched and how to thwart it, and how Sam will trust him; all this develops later on in the movie…via a single dialogue interchange at a random time, much like most of the character development occurs in this film. I just feel it important to point this out to you now, because its likely I will miss this in the future, as I’ve watched it three times now for the purposes of writing this and just now reflected on this revelation. A’murica!
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Now, with that introspection aside, we move on to our next victim. The blonde jock. Making a mockery of national anthem. He even moons the crowd. Uncle Sam’s gonna have his way with him, but not just yet. There are other killings that hold a higher priority.  Like how about the last guest to the bbq, the corrupt senator, starts to try and schoomze the crowd. Sam is ever so upset. He best just kill them all.
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Btw, this movie, and it’s killings, are brought to you by Country Time. A’Murica’s lemonade

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The lost episode of To Catch A Predator…

A potato sack race later and Blondie Jock is finally about to get hacked.  It was Uncle Sam, in the forest, with the clever.

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Insert scene of wifey an beau; I’d really like to tell you there’s a plot here, but there’s not. Sister finds Ralph dead…And in case you missed it, there’s a half of second clip of Sam snatching a pellet gun from a shooting gallery. Guess what?!? Honest Abe was shot in the head…how original. That’s probably why no one but the crooked politician seems to give a damn. He see’s this as a golden opportunity to hit it with the voters and show off his new pair of sunglasses. How fucking a’murican can we get? Guess what guy’s…The politician is about to get Sam’d next…And he’s gonna get it in the way I was dreaming about pun filled glory when I first found this piece on Google. That’s right, FIREWORKS.
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But before that, let’s have another vaguely crappy scene to elude to some sort of predecessor that was to set the film up that never actually occurred. We get that Sam was bad to his wife and sis…But how bad? Beating bad? Raping bad? We don’t ever really know except it seems that no one really liked the guy, including family, and this is what Wikipedia had to say about it. Although none of this was actually ever discussed in the movie.

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But at least wiki makes some sense for us.

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And he did bad things, only the love for denim can replace.

Back to the killing!! And epically. Do you ever feel, like a plastic bag drifting through the wind, waiting to start again?? So do the ashes of the corrupt congressman, and this is finally the event that makes the townsfolk wonder what’s going on. And we get a twofer death, as Sam knocks out the sheriff at the same time. Impaled on Old Glory? How American is that?

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The blind kid, the creepy kid, and the wise old negro come up with a plan to stop Sam once and for all…

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After a whole lot of introspection, and a couple more non plot related deaths, Chef..err, Jed…decides that since Uncle Sam can’t be killed with bullets, it’s best to use Jody as a distraction to gain his trust, whilst Chef wrangles the town cannon (every town should have one) to the back of his pickup and hauls it off to take out Uncle Sam once and for all. ‘Murica!!

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My very favorite part of this film is the cannon balls Twin Rivers is packing. 20% Mortar, 90% Michael Bay, these babies pack an explosive whallop and leave Sam buring in the rubble after only two, countem two Michael Bay cannon balls…

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Jody serving Judgement Day realness…

And then the secondly epic cannon ball mortary extravaganza.

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..

The killer always comes back people…bad horror genre 101…

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So essentially, the climax of the movie consists of the blind kid, the creepy kid, and the wise old negro blowin shit up on the fourth of July. And here it is that the movie comes truly full circle. A’Murcia.

America fuck yeah-team america:

But seriously, about the ending of the movie tho, super weak. And super unamurican. With what I was waiting for the entire film for an awesome one-liner of “I want you!” We sadly didn’t get. In fact, we didn’t get any at all. In fact, it’s almost safe to say that I made this sound entirely more enjoyable than it actually was. Watch at your own risk. But if you don’t celebrate the fourth with this terrible atrocity, celebrate with a true spirit of independence in your heart, because its often forgot amongst many, but it’s truly a great thing to be an American. And if you don’t believe it, someone at your BBQ is likely to go all Uncle Sam on your ass…

-BB

Cadillacs & Dinosaurs

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by Bevianna Bones

Rwaaaaarrrr!!!! That’s the sound of a dinosaur escaping black market poachers(?) Vrrrrrummmmmm!!!! That’s the sound of you firing up your Caddy and heading out to the City in the Sea to stop the evil dino poaching dastardly bastards! For, what would they want with so many dinos?  Aside from capturing them, violently torturing them, and genetically engineering them into maniacal weapons.  That’s the basic plot for the 1993 Capcom gem, (not to be confused with Jem…as there are no holograms here) Cadillacs & Dinosaurs. A most unusual mashup of everyone’s favorite things, Cadillacs and dinosaurs!  As much as I would like to give cred to Capcom for coming up with yet another ingenious mashup of whatthefuckery (see previous post on Quiz & Dragons…a general rule of thumb for life is, if Capcom made it and it includes and ampersand in the title PLAY IT!),  Cads & Dinos actually is based off of the 80’s comic Xenozic Tales. Popular enough to spawn a cartoon and the coinop game, there was also a later sequel for home consoles and PC. I always wondered why they dropped the original title though.

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Seems to me that a name like Xenozic Tales intrigues me enough to want to check it out. However, its likely that most consumers mistook it for supplemental prescription drug information, hence the name change. Cadillacs & Dinosaurs as a title pretty effectively describes what you’re investing your Washington’s in. (For those younger readers out there, that’s a reference to the quarter and/or token that one would have to place into the money slot on the machine to play) You know right upfront that there will be dinosaurs and Cadillacs as promised.  Insert coins and let’s go!

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Welcome to the character selection screen. There are four fully playable characters to chose from here, and up to three players can play simultaneously. This is beneficial for special team-up power special moves you can do with other players. The four characters all have a different play style, so often seen in these 90s circa Capcom classics.
Who should we pick? Well I know I have my favorite…But here’s a rundown on the choices:

Jack Tenrec: Both a mechanic and a shaman (balanced)

Hannah Dundee: A diplomat and explorer by profession (skilled) (otherwise known herein as Chynaperhaps one day she will find her way into her very own Glorious Girls of Gaming)

Mustapha Cairo: A dark colored guy. Haha just kidding, but with a name like that I had to insert at least one joke in there. Besides his official description is “Jack’s friend” also, he’s the speed type character. The dark guy is the fastest.  We all have a friend like that.

And finally there’s…

Mess O’ Bradovich: I promise I’m not making these last two names up. Mess, is a big, apparently Irish/Russian guy. With “an elusive past” Again, actual description here. And he of course, is the tank type player. I couldn’t have seen that one coming.

What with the lineup out there, I’m sticking with my all time fave, Chyna. Let’s go!

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Thunderthighs are on the move. Thunderthighs are loose. Feel the burning, hear the roar. Thunderthighs are loose. Thunder! Thunder! Thunder! Thunderthighs! 

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The gameplays very much like all Capcom CPS1 games, ie Final Fight clones. The controller layout is standard 8-way joystick/2 button, one jump, one attack with three sets for up to three players. The question has often been raised that why there is only 3 player support, when there are 4 playable characters. This is often seen on these CPS1 games, because many of them are simply boarded into existing cabinets. Hence the versatility of the Capcom Play System. An arcade owner could invest in one cabinet (likely Final Fight due to popularity and quantity of machines produced) and then change out the boards and bezel art to give it’s patrons a whole gaming experience. Thus gaining more revenue at a lower operating cost. Profit baby.

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I’ve got a million tidbids in my brain just waiting to share with you folks.

As Chyna, or any of the other 3 characters, you kick, punch, and jump (and chop and block and turn and pose…Parappa reference anyone?) your way to dino liberation through 8 levels of expectedly repetitive dino poacher hunting action. As promised, there is also a level where you are in the Cadillac hunting the dino poachers and their evil dinosaurs. Squee!!

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All in all, it’s actually quite a fun game, and for me it holds a special place in my heart. Check it out if you can find one in an arcade somewhere, or better yet, if you’ve got yourself a MAME or CPS1 emulator; and if not, then why are we friends?

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So that’s what happened to that kid from that one Disney movie

-BB