Author Archives: beviannajaxon

A Garfield Christmas Special

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By Joshie Jaxon 

Happy holidays, geek fans! After that last post with those awful critters, I decided to go with something more family friendly. I’m finishing out the holiday trifecta with Garfield’s X-Mas special. I watched Peanuts thanksgiving, but there were performance issues, and I couldn’t get it up. It happens. Let’s not dwell on it. I prefer Garfield anyways, he’s not nearly as preachy. He also appeals to my inner hedonist. I wasn’t alive in the 60’s or 70’s, but I am all for, if it feels good, do it. Now, even though X-Mas is after Thanksgiving, this special takes place before that one. Keep that in mind. That being said, let the geeks begin!  

We open on Jon’s house, which from the outside looks like Santa threw up all over it. There’s yard decorations, signs, ribbons, a giant tree, lights, and an animatronic Santa and sleigh. Clark Griswold wishes his house looked like this. Personally, it’s a little much for me. Inside the house, Garfield’s bed looks like a present, his blanket has trees on it, there’s a giant electronic candle, and Jon enters in a elf costume. I’m all for holiday spirit, but this really is too much. Jon says that it’s X-Mas morning. Garfield says that means presents. Jon says he can’t open gifts on an empty stomach, and lays out his breakfast lasagnas so Garfield can eat his way to the tree. Once Garfield gets there, Jon goes to get his present. Garfield is so excited he’s biting his nails, er, claws. A forklift comes in carrying a giant gift. It opens to reveal a Santa throne. Jon says it will read his mind, and whatever he can think of, he’ll get. Jon demonstrates by conjuring an elf hat. Garfield throws him out of the device and conjures some jewels. That’s just for starters. It’s time for the opening number. This is what X-Mas is all about. Gimme, gimme, gimme, starts playing as Garfield conjures up a mountain of presents as the credits roll. This may be 1987 but he’s got the American consumerism down. Gadgets! Toys! Greed! Avarice! You go, kitty! 

  

Back in reality, Jon wakes Garfield to tell him it’s X-Mas Eve morning. Garfield ain’t having it before breakfast. Jon tells him they need to pack up so they can go to the farm. Garfield quips that he’s got a sick sense of humor. Jon says the whole family will be there; mom, dad, grandma, and Doc Boy. Garfield is still less than enthused. He wonders why he has to be drug from his bed to see some stupid relatives, and why he has to go to the stupid farm. He wonders why they can’t come to where his warm bed is. He then wonders why he’s whispering. I wonder too. After all, the only one who can hear and understand him is Odie, who wasn’t even in the room. This cartoon dances with the line of reality, but given that it’s a “talking” cat, we have to just go with it. It’s easier if you just go with it. 

In the present-filled car, passing the city limit, Jon says he can almost smell mom’s chestnut dressing. That’s not what Garfield smells. Jon starts going on about what he enjoys at X-Mas, including the smiles on everyone’s faces. Well, almost everyone. Garfield is a sour puss. Pun intended. Jon starts singing about his childhood traditions, and Garfield counters each point with a still modern level of cynicism. Garfield says the great thing about X-Mas is the insomnia and the anxiety that kids get from having to wait. As they pull up to the farm, Jon tells Garfield to behave. Fine, he’ll stay in the car. 

  

Inside, we get to see the family. Jon’s mom takes the presents. Jon shakes hands with his dad, who calls him a city slicker. Jon greets his favorite brother, who reminds him that he’s Jon’s only brother. We hear grandma telling them to visit until their lips fall of for all she cares. She’ll just sit there in the dark, alone. Jon says hi, and she points out that city life has made him soft. He’s even got a belly. Grandma then promptly punches him in it, doubling him over. I like grandma. She says she does a hundred sit ups every morning, and her stomach is hard as a rock. Trying to divert attention, Jon points Garfield out. She remembers when they had wood-burning cats, a statement that still makes no sense to me. Garfield either, as he says it’s bizarre. Jon’s mom is so full of holiday cheer she could just burst. Grandma tells her to put a sock in and to go finish dinner. Garfield just smirks. Have I mentioned that I like grandma? It bears repeating. 

  

Jon takes Garfield and Odie outside. The latter is happily bouncing through the snow, while the former is nothing but a tail above it. Just as he says things can’t get worse, he smacks into a water pipe. Inside, grandma is checking on mom’s gravy, and is preparing to add some chili powder when mom catches her. Grandma mutters that her gravy won a prize while mom’s didn’t even place, she then sprinkles the gravy with the chili powder. Atta girl! Meddle! Meddle your little heart out! Jon and Garfield return to the house. Where’s Odie? He’s out in the barn, rummaging through various junk, and pulling items aside. What’s that dog up to? Garfield hops up on the counter, and sees the gravy on the stove. He uses a finger and takes an unsanitary taste. We get a spectacular toon reaction as he breathes fire from the chili powder. He lands on the counter, and says it’s perfect. Odie sneaks back into the house, whistling his theme music. 

  

At the table, the family sits down for dinner. Doc Boy reaches for a roll, but his mom tells him to say grace. He complains, and grandma hits him upside the head with a spoon. He thanks the lord, and we get an amen, but he breaks into some flowery thing about finding peace. Grandma hits him again, and he finally stops. Jon asks for the potatoes. Scalloped, whipped, fried, baked, or boiled? Mom always makes too much food. Since Jon can’t decide, he asks for a piece of pie. Apple, peach, pumpkin , blueberry, or banana cream? Meanwhile, on the other side of the table, grandma is sneaking bits of food to Garfield and Odie. He says the service is great, as is the cuisine, but the decor leaves something to be desired. He gives it two stars. Jon thanks his mom for dinner. Grandma loudly clears her throat, and he acknowledges her too. He offers Garfield some leftovers, but as he’s already full, he decides to pass. 

  

Time to trim the tree. On X-Mas Eve. That seems so weird to me. Personally, I wait until at least after Thanksgiving, but to decorate the tree the day before the holiday just seems, anti-climatic. Yes, you get to enjoy it for the day, but you chopped down a tree for one day of use? Oh well, it’s a cartoon. They don’t have to worry about such things. Odie steals some wire from a box of decorations, and Garfield goes to sit with grandma. She comments on how the family is jawing like a bunch of banshees. Though, to make it through life you have to be a little crazy. Just look at her, she talks to cats. Back at the tree, Doc Boy is on all fours with dad standing on him, while Jon steadies him. Dad asks why they can’t put the star on first, and then raise the tree. Mom says it just wouldn’t be X-Mas that way. Jon decides to recruit Garfield for the mission. Like my cat, Garfield likes climbing X-Mas trees. He says if he’s not back in an hour, to send a banana cream pie. Garfield takes the star, and scales the tree like a pro. That is, until he gets to the top and looks down. He freaks, grabs the tree for dear life, and places the star. The family applauds him, and getting caught up in attention, he takes a bow, which causes him to fall down to the ground through the tree. He says whoever invented them should be drug into the street and shot. Poor kitty. Dad plugs the lights and we all get too ooh and ahh at the spectacle. 

  

Mom, who’s name I’m gonna assume is Grace, says it’s time for a good old fashioned piano party. Doc Boy isn’t so sure. Dad smacks him upside the head and says the twenty four years of piano lessons better be worth something. Doc Boy plays and sings, badly. Grandma shoves him aside and brings the house down with her jazzy version of Oh X-Mas Tree. After grandma, it’s mom’s turn to play. She starts a nice song, as Garfield goes to sit with grandma. She doesn’t know how he knew she needed a kitty in her lap. Grandma starts telling him about her late husband, and how he was a good provider, and always made something nice for her and the kids at X-Mas. This is the time of year she misses him most. Aww, right in the feels. 

Mom says it’s time for their annual tradition. It’s time for dad to read Binky, the clown who saved X-Mas. Does he have to? Yes, it’s tradition. Jon and Doc Boy wonder if Binky is gonna save X-Mas again this year. Um, is Doc Boy kinda special? Unless it’s the 25th anniversary special edition author’s cut of the book, the story won’t have changed from last time. They make poor dad do Binky’s “Heeeeey, kids!” In the right voice. Y’all are grown men. I’m all for childhood nostalgia, obviously, but you don’t need to make your dad read to you like that. Be glad your mom forced him to read at all. Mom says it’s bed time, and they cheer. Dad just rolls his eyes. Meanwhile, Odie raids the closet for the handle of a plunger. Really, what’s that dog up to?

  

We see Garfield and Odie sleeping next to the fireplace. Then we see the fire is out, indicating the passage of time. Odie wakes up and nuzzles Garfield to see if he’s awake. Since Garfield slept through it, Odie sneaks off to the barn. Garfield wakes up and looks out the window. Seeing where Odie went, he decides to follow. There’s a song playing about never finding an elf when you need one, as we watch Odie assemble his treasures into a present, then cover it with a bag. Garfield slips, and a box drops some letters on him. He thinks they must be at least fifty years old. 

Back in the house, Jon and Doc Boy try to wake their dad, to see if they can open presents yet. He says it’s one thirty in the morning, no they can’t. They argue that any time after midnight is X-Mas morning. Dad orders them to bed. They leave, still arguing that it is technically X-Mas morning. 

Cut to morning proper. Dad greets the boys asking what they want to do first, chores, breakfast, or presents. They excitedly shout, presents! Doc boy is in a bunny footie pajama, while Jon has on bunny slippers. Yes, these are supposed to be grown men. They open gifts. Jon got a sweater, dad a giant cowboy hat, grandma a bowling ball, and Doc Boy is playing with a toy plane. Yes, seriously. Let’s break this down, shall we? Assuming that he started his piano lessons at five or six, and the twenty four year thing wasn’t a joke, then at minimum, Doc Boy would be twenty nine to thirty. Minimum. Footie pajamas and a toy plane. I’m just saying. Anyhow, mom doesn’t appear to have a present. Perhaps she’ll get a new pearl necklace after the boys leave. Mom says it was a lovely X-Mas. Garfield tugs at her apron and says it’s not over. He goes and retrieves the stack of letters and gives them to grandma. She can’t believe it. They’re love letters from grandpa back when they were courting. Mom asks what they say, but a lady doesn’t reveal such things. I’m guessing they were pervy sex letters. Grandma seems like she’d be into that. Odie then takes Garfield to see what he assembled. Garfield doesn’t know what it is. Odie demonstrates that it’s a self scratcher. Garfield hugs him, and the family awwws. Garfield closes the special by saying X-Mas is not the getting, or the giving, it’s the loving. 

Until next time, everyone. Stay geeky, and keep gabbing!
  

South Park – Woodland Critter Christmas 

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By Joshie Jaxon

Greetings, geek fans! I’m determined to get holiday specials posted for you guys. After all, for October and December, that’s all that ever shows. I love holiday specials of all kinds. In the event of television series, they usually provide a break from the normal continuity, and allow everyone to have fun. Today’s holiday special kickoff is brought to by South Park. South Park; we take everything that’s decent, and turn it on it’s ass. You’ll laugh, but you may hate yourself for it. Keep in mind, this particular episode is over ten years old, and I still cringe a little. Want to know why? Let the geeks begin! 

  

This episode features voiceover narration, telling the story we’re watching, but in verse. While I am so talented, I’m nowhere near motivated enough to attempt the same. Besides, my unique brand of humor is best left unrhymed. We see the citizens of South Park setting up their decorations, and doing their shopping. After all, Christmas is a store bought holiday. We’re taken to the forest, where the woodland critters are preparing for their holiday. They sing the following, “it’s almost time when the time is here. The time that’s only once a year. We can hardly wait cause it’s so near; a woodland critter Christmas”. Aww, this is gonna be such a sweet story. We are then introduced to the critters, who are all wearing at least one piece of seasonal attire. Squirrelly the squirrel, rabbity the rabbit, beavery the beaver, Barry the bear, porcupiney the porcupine, skunky the skunk, foxy the fox, deery the deer, woodpeckery the woodpecker, mousy the mouse, and chickadeey the chickadee. There’s also a raccoon that I assume is named raccoony, but they don’t name him officially. That somehow seems racist. Stan enters the forest and sees the critters. What the hell? 

  

They all gather around him and asks how he likes their tree. He says it looks nice. Mousy says it needs a star. The squirrel says maybe their new friend will help them out. Stan makes them a paper star for the tree, and they invite him to sing and dance with them for a while. Stan opts to go home. Good call Stan, run away. Run far, run fast. Not listening to me, Stan goes to bed. Cut to 3am, where Stan wakes up to the critters in his room. Stalker critters! They tell Stan that the porcupine is pregnant. He tells them he has school in the morning. The mouse says he doesn’t understand. Deery explains that lady porcupine is a virgin, and the conception was immaculate. So was a Madonna collection, that doesn’t make it right for critters. Foxy says she’s gonna give birth to their lord and savior. Porcupine says she’s due on Christmas Day. Squirrelly says the only problem is they don’t have a manger. Barry says they’ve got to have a manger. Rabbity asks Stan if he’ll help again. The voiceover says Stan did it with joy, but he’s half asleep and doesn’t give a damn. We see him in the forest, finishing the critter manger. Mousy says it’s perfect. The unnamed raccoon asks if they can go to bed. Aren’t raccoons nocturnal? The critters start singing their song, and Stan wanders off. We hear a roar. There’s a mountain lion in the forest. Stan tells it to shoo. Foxy says it must know the porcupine is pregnant and is gonna kill it again. Again? Yes, every year that lion kills the pregnant virgin critter. Porcupine is so very afraid. Wait, there’s nothing to be afraid of this year. This year they have Stanny. 

  

As the voiceover tells us of the lion, Stan says aloud that this is f*cking ridiculous. At the mouth of the lion’s den, Stan roars to lure the lion out. He draws the critter killer out of hiding, and up the peak. How a fourth grader is able to escape a lion is an issue for other day. Stan gets to the edge of the mountain and turns to face the lion. It roars, leaps at him, and falls to it’s death. Um, the entire episode is full of talking, anthropomorphized animals, capable of rational thought. Why, then, did the lion allow that to happen? It didn’t have spacial reasoning to know not to leap off the edge? Whatevs. The twisted stuff is about to happen anyways, cause this is South Park, and it’s been too cute for too long. Stan sees the dead lion, and we hear the sympathy music playing as three lion cubs come out of the den. Mommy? Wake up, mommy, wake up. Don’t leave us mommy! Stan, like me, is gobsmacked at what he’s seeing. A cub asks him why he killed their mom. “The critters… Birth of the savior…” The cubs all cry, and nuzzle around their dead mom’s body. Having nothing helpful to say, Stan wanders off the mountain. 

  

The critters are all gathered around a fire. They says Stan has been gone too long, and the lion must have got him. Their savior is gonna be savior stew. Stan appears in the woods, and the critters rejoice. Wait, does that mean he killed the mountain lion? Yep, it’s dead. The squirrel says their critter Christmas can finally happen. Hail satan! The critters all shout it back. Stan looks shocked. The beaver says he did them a favor, cause without the mountain lion, the porcupine can give birth to the anti-Christ. Stan says he thought she was giving birth to their savior. Yes, their lord and savior, satan. Stan says he thought they mean the son of god. Deery says that’s stupid. God wouldn’t have sex with a porcupine. Foxy says they need to celebrate. Let’s sacrifice rabbity and eat his flesh! Rabbity says to sacrifice him to the devil. The critters cheer, and pull out an altar. They slice the rabbit open, start eating him, and declare they should have a blood orgy. Mousy buries his face in the fox’s ass, Barry bangs the deer while the squirrel gets it’s ear, the skunk mounts lady porcupine, and the beaver tops the raccoon. Stan just stares in horror. Right there with ya, buddy. Brave yourselves, guys. We’re only halfway done.

  

Christmas Eve morning. The critters are decorating their manger with satanic symbols, and turning the star upside down. Owls are laying flowers at the dead mountain lion’s body. The lion cubs, orphaned and alone, try to comfort each other. The voiceover says it’s all because of Stan, that there’s no one to stop the apocalypse. Stan sits at his desk in agony over his actions. The voiceover says that Stan is going back to the forest. Instead, Stan sits on the couch and turns on the tv. Voiceover tries to prompt him to action again. Stan turns up the volume and tells it to shut up. Finally, Stan gives in and goes back to the woods. The critters are happy to see him. They have a big problem. Satan commanded them to have a human vessel to put the anti-Christ into. It must not be baptized, and heathenistic towards Christ. They figured Stan would be perfect. Sorry, he’s not a heathen, he’s baptized and his family is Christian. Maybe he’ll help them find one. No! He’s not doing any more favors, and he’s going to stop them. Barry says they’ll have use their evil satanic powers on him. Whatever, he’s taking down his manger. We hear omen-style music as the critter’s eyes glow red, and flames appear, then crows, then a hell hound. Stan gets attacked and flees. The critters says their powers get stronger every day. The only thing that can stop them is a mountain lion, but it’s dead. Wait, there are three lion cubs on the mountain. 

  

Stan climbs back up the mountain, and calls to the lion cubs. They say it’s the man boy who killed mommy. He’s come to kill them too. It’s ok, the one has been dead inside since their mom died. Better Stan kill them than face the cold death of not having a mom. Stan says he’s sorry. The squirrel had said their mom was evil. They don’t think Stan is too bright. He’s trying to make it right. Only a mountain lion can stop devil worshipping critters. The cubs say they still have their baby teeth, and their baby claws. And a dead mom. Stan says there has to be a way. One of the cubs says an abortion could work. The cubs ask if Stan knows where they could learn. Voiceover says there’s a clinic outside of town, and that Stan took the cubs there. Stan argues that he didn’t, but voiceover says he did. Cut to Stan at the clinic saying, god dammit. The doctor asks what he’s doing there. Stan doesn’t know, he says the lions need to learn how to perform abortions. The doctor says it’s nearly Christmas, he has tons to perform. Cue a sappy, folksy, Christmas song that plays as the doctor gives an abortion, with the lion cubs assisting. Yes, that actually happens. Yes, I’m actually squirming in my seat. Stan sits alone saying that this better have a point. I agree. 

  

It’s almost time when the time is here. The time that’s only once a year… Wait a second, that guy is all alone. We look and see Kyle with his sled. What the hell? The critters ask why he’s alone on Christmas Eve. It’s because he doesn’t believe in Jesus. The critters cheer. Wait, does that mean he’s not baptized. Kyle says he’s Jewish, and the critters cheer again. They gather around Kyle and take him to their manger. That night, as a red star appears in the sky, Stan and the cubs head to the site of critter Christmas. Sadly, they were too late. They enter the clearing and see the devil baby in the manger, while the critters look on with reverence. The squirrel says it brings a thousand years of darkness to the forest. Kyle, bound to the altar asks what’s going on. Stan says it’s critter Christmas and it sucks ass. Stan shouts up at the voiceover that after all that, it’s a thousand years of darkness, and he doesn’t get a merry Christmas. Voiceover mentions sleigh bells overhead, and we see Santa. The critters are happy to see Santa. The raccoon suggests they eat his flesh. Santa wants to know what the hell is going on. The critters say Stan helped their savior be born. Santa tells Stan nice going, and calls him stupid. There’s only one way to stop devil-worshipping critters. Santa pulls out a shotgun and starts blasting them all one by one. Yay Santa! They try to use their satanic powers, but they’re no match for Santa’s shotgun. Wow. There’s a sentence that looks weird out of context. Stan frees Kyle, as the last critter is blown away. What about the anti-Christ? Santa says without a host, it’ll die. Kyle says he wants AC’s power, he can seize control of Christmas for the Jews! 

  

As Kyle absorbs the anti-Christ into himself, we hear Kyle scream, “stop it, Cartman!” Cut to Garrison’s classroom where Kyle is telling Eric not to read one more sentence of his stupid story. Eric says he didn’t interrupt Kyle when it was his turn for a story. Kyle says that Eric is just trying to rip on him for being Jewish at Christmas. Eric asks Mr. Garrison to intervene, but he rolls his eyes saying if Eric doesn’t stop he’ll get a call from Kyle’s mother. Cartman returns to his seat, but the other students want to know what happened to Kyle, and the lion cubs. Kyle asks why they care. Stan says he wants to know if he has a merry Christmas. Kyle predicts he gets killed by Santa to save Christmas. Cartman says that’s not at all what happens. Butters says to let him finish. Everyone else chimes in. Eric is allowed to finish his story. Kyle says he it burns. Stan asks what he expected, it’s the son of the devil. Kyle says he no longer wants to be the vessel for the anti-Christ. Santa says he needs to kill Kyle before the darkness consumes his soul. Stan is ready to cry, but then remembers the lion cubs know how to give abortions. They get AC out through Kyle’s ass, and Santa smashes the little bugger with a sledgehammer. Yay!

  

Santa tells Stan he’s been extra good and can have a special present. Stan knows what he wants. Santa sprinkles his magic over the dead mountain lion mom, and she comes back to life. The cubs are happy to have her back. We see Stan go home and enjoy his holiday meal, get his presents, and it was the best Christmas ever. Everyone lived happily ever after. Except for Kyle, who died of AIDS two weeks later. Dammit, Cartman! 

There you have it. Something that started out with the potential for cuteness, and turned into something you never saw coming. I delight in showing this to people for the first time, such as Bevianna. Her reaction at the first, “hail satan” was priceless. For everything else, there’s MasterCard. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing!

  

Pride Post – App-lication of Manners 

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By Joshie Jaxon 

Greetings, geek fans! Sorry for the trickle of posts for the past few weeks. It’s a busy time of year. It’s also a stressful time of year, one that can make even the strongest person depressed. Today I’m here to talk about what I’ve observed in our communities hookup culture, and what it can do to a person. Let the geeks begin! 

There are many sites and apps available nowadays for people to put a profile on and try to get what they are after. Some are looking just to chat, and make friends. Others are hoping for dates or a potential relationship. I don’t think anyone actually uses apps for networking, but it’s on there to make us feel less superficial. Then there’s the most popular selection, for right now, aka all I want is sex. I get it, we’re gay men. We all get horny, and we all want it to be taken care of by more than just our own hand. Whether you’re on an app daily trying to get off, or you go in maybe once a month, there is nothing wrong with that. You’re allowed to express and indulge your sex drive as frequently as it suits you.

  

That being said, because this is all done online, with no face to face interaction, cause let’s face it, the majority of profiles are headless torsos, it’s created a disconnect that’s already so common in our modern age. The main thing about any online interaction is that it’s with a screen, so we feel we can say whatever we want, because we don’t have to see the person’s reaction. That’s all very well and good for fighting with religious nutbags, sanctimommies, internet trolls, and republicans, but within our own community we need to show more respect. You don’t see as much coverage as a few years ago, but suicide in the LGBT community is still prevalent. While I doubt a lack of a Friday night handjob is leading to it, the lack of basic decency in our interactions could be a contributing factor. Every single one of us is trying to connect with someone on some level. Since it’s so easy to try and get laid without leaving the house, it’s more important than ever that we give people the respect they deserve as human beings. 

Back in my youth, god that makes me sound older than I am, I would go to the club every weekend. It was the highlight of my week. It allowed me to get out and dance off the stress from the work week, as well as look at all the hot guys grinding around on the floor. When I was a baby gay, I went out without friends. I was on my own in unfamiliar territory. As time passed, I got to know more people, and the experience wasn’t as scary. Granted, the scariest experience of the bunch, was actually getting up the nerve to talk to someone you thought was attractive. Your heart races, you get clamy hands, and your mouth is dry. But, you work yourself up, and go introduce yourself. Maybe you get shot down, maybe you get a dance, pity or genuine, maybe they politely say they’re taken, which is code for not interested, while still being polite. There is the key. When you’re in a face to face environment, your basic upbringing causes you to use manners, rather than just devastating a person cause you don’t think they’re hot enough.

  

This brings me to my point, we’ve lost that in our culture. We forget there’s a person on the other side of the screen. We only care about getting our dick sucked, and finding the hottest person in the room, so to speak, to do it. If we treated interactions on these apps and sites as if they were standing in front of us, the results would be different. A person standing in front of you who said “Hi”, or paid you a compliment wouldn’t be greeted with silence. There would at least be some kind of acknowledgement that you’d been spoken too, even if you followed it up with a simple, “thank you, but I’m not interested”. It isn’t that difficult, and doesn’t take a world of time out of your day. I get it, you’re so hot, and so many people talk to you that it’s exhausting. However, some of us aren’t hitting on everything in the room hoping for a reply. You may have been the only one they reached out to, and it took them effort to do so. If you wouldn’t want it done to you, don’t do it to someone else. 

I had a recent interaction I’m going to share with you. I’d been talking to a guy for about a day or so. Nothing major, the usual, what are you into, can I see your goods, sorta thing. The next time we chatted, he’d mentioned he was having a bad day, and just felt like shoving everyone away. Knowing that when you feel that, all you really want it someone to try and make it better, I sent pics to try and cheer him up. And no, it wasn’t dick pics, I sent humorous memes, in an effort to help. His reaction was interesting. He asked why I was bothering, since most people only care about sex. I told him there was nothing wrong with being a good person. He didn’t know what to make of that. In the no pic = no chat world, most people don’t give two shits how the person on the other end is doing, unless it’s going to effect them getting off. It makes me feel sad for our community to see it reduced to that. When a kind gesture is met with questioning suspicion, there’s a problem. I doubt this post will make too much of an impact, but I honestly hope it does. If nothing else, we need to remember our basic humanity, and treat people with a little respect. Your beautiful face or body may get you laid, but if you aren’t pretty on the inside, you’ll never be truly happy. 

    

Love and light to you and yours. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

Thankskilling

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–by Bevianna Bones

Gobble Gobble Muther Fuckers! No, that’s not an incredibly rude salutation; but rather a warm holiday greeting from none other than Turkie himself.  Thankskilling is the greatest of the worst low budget holiday horror flicks there is. And when I say “low budget”, what I actually need to say “fucking low”, as the only thing cheaper to make than this holiday classic was probably Birdemic. According to the DVD case it was made for a mere $3,500. That’s United States dollars. Thirty-five hundred of them. This thing was cheaper to make than the Jon Benet Ramsey case!

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Postulated as well on the cover is the promise of boobs, yes, boobs in the first second.  I haven’t timed it to see if the dumplings make their appearance in under an actual second or not, but rest assured they are there. The film opens and we find a pilgrim woman “receiving the holiday blessing”, dumplings bared to the world.

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So the pilgrims were the ones that brought the breasts to the first Thanksgiving.

Her holiday joy is soon interupted, however, as there is rustling in the thicket and she struggles to get away.  Before she can get to saftey, we catch our first glimpse of the killer. A puppeteered turkey head pops out of the bushes and utters the first of many zingers, “Nice tits, bitch!’ and kills her.  And roll credits.

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I need to make two important notes here, the first being that more effort went into the music for the credits than the entire rest of the film; and secondly, the credits allow us to discover that the breasty pilgrim was none other than veteran adult film “star” Wanda Lust.  I wonder how much a gratutious breast shot from a herald “actress” such as herself costs to put into one’s picture. My guess would be about $3,500.

The actual plot of the movie follows a ragtag group of cliched, but loveable, college pals on their way home for the Thanksgiving break. All the archetypes are represented.  There is the jock, Johnny. The somewhat of the leader of the pack, the would-be quaterback, who’s repatoire mostly consists of football related puns. There is the slutty girl, Ali, who’s sole purpose is to spread infectious disease. Her legs are harder to shut than the Jon Benet Ramsey case!

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Put your shirt down, it’s Thanksgiving, not Titsgiving!

The fat redneck kid, Billy, who wants to bang or kill everything, and drink Busch Light.  The nerdy kid, Darren, who not surprisingly knows Turkie’s backstory, and likely akwardly masturbates over the sluttly girl.  Lastly, there is the akward, homely, wholesome girl, Kristen, who spends most of her time thinking about that dreamy quarterback, getting good grades, and making terrible Jon Benet Ramsey jokes every opportunity she gets. Her father is the town sheriff. Of course.

They are on their way, and the Jeep (of course) that they are driving overheats. Instead of waiting it out, they decide the best option is to camp in the woods.  Of course. Luckily, they have enough beer and gear to make it happen. 

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Darren soon realizes that they are in the town of Crawberg, and as local legend has it, an old Indian shaman named, Feathercloud, was once dishonored by a pilgrim (who happens to be a decendant of the redneck…of course), and because of this dishonor, out of the outrage, Feathercloud via necomancy, created a demoic turkey who is said to rise every five hundred and five years and slay every caucasian it encounters. And, it just so happens that they are camping in the very area, and it has been exactly five hundred and five years. Of course.

Meanwhile…

A hermit living in the woods is hermiting about with his dog, when the dog urinates on a miniature totem pole, thus releasing Turkie from his five hundred year slumber. Turkie kills the dog, and the hermit swears to get venegance against that turkey. Turkey wanders into the camp, just as the Kristen wanders into the woods to pee by herself. She encounters the turkey, and annoyed with her screaming, declares that he will drink her blood like cranberry sauce. She rushes back to tell everyone, but no one will believe her, chalking it up to her having too much to drink. That is, until a rabbit is thrown into the fire after being pecked to death by a beak. And not just any beak, a turkey beak.

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Morning comes, and the group is on their way, unbeknownst to them however, so is Turkie.  He flags down a motorist who then propositions Turkie for sexual favors, after which Turkie shoots him in the head and hijacks the car. That night, everyone has returned to their homes.  Johnny tries to reconcile his relationship with his father, who hasn’t spoken to him since he only made second string. Just as the two patch things up, Turkie kills his family, and magically throws in a couple football puns for himself. Apparently not phased too much by his family’s death, he joins his pals. All except for the Ali.  She is busy getting banged by her boyfriend, and is so into her adult film style climax audition, doesn’t notice when Turkie kills the boyfriend mid-bang and takes over.  Turkie finishes her off, and proclaims, “You just got stuffed!” and then promptly kills her.

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The gang figures they should go looking for the slutty girl, and after finding her dead, deduce that it had to be the turkey, because evidence was left at the scene.  Yep, a gravy-flavored condom in size extra small. After the murder of Johnny’s family and the death of slutty girl, the gang decides they need to seek some help.  They go to find wholesome girl’s dad, the sheriff, and use his library.  Because he has so many books, he’s sure to have one on killer turkeys. 

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Turkie, however, has beaten them there, and disguised with a pair of Groucho glasses, the sheriff, dressed as a turkey for a “pagent” lets him in and the two share a nice cup of coffee together.

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Sheriff calls Turkie and “odd duck” which causes great offense and Turkie kills him, and makes a leatherface style mask out of the sheriff’s face just in time for the group to arrive. 

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The disguise is enough to doup the gang and Turkie’s presence goes unnoticed.  The gang finds a book about Turkey that says they can kill Turkie if they remove the magic talisman he wears around his neck, although the rest of the instructions are written in a code. Of course.

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Billy stumbles into Turkie disposing of the sheriff’s body.  The gang is able to get the talisman, but Turkie gets away.   Kristen and Johnny finally realize their feelings for one another, while Darren sets out to crack the code.  Billy storms off outside, and in a lack of feeding hunger induced haze, devours Turkie’s soul who then pecks him to death from the inside out.  Billy dies in the Darren’s arms and sparks a montage of all the great times they shared together.  Vengence must be had for Billy!

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They break the code, and find out that the only way to kill Turkie is to burn him at the stake after saying a demonic prayer backwards.  They head to his tipi to catch him in his sleep talisman in hand.  They say the prayer and get ready to burn him, as he thwarts them yet again, and runs outside only to be shot by the old hermit, and lands in a dumpster full of radioactive waste, bringing turkey back to life.  Thinking they have killed him,  although, clearly they didn’t kill him the way the book instructed, they head back home to relax, where Johnny makes the best remark, “I might have lost my whole family to that turkey, but at least I found me a girlfriend.”  Thankfully, Turkie, now stronger, comes in the house, kills Darren by cutting out his tongue and ripping out his heart; then attacks Johnny with and electric knife, and with one last football pun dies.  Kristen lights turkie on fire with an aerosal flamethrower and kicks Turkie into a pile of wood, thus burning him to death, as originally instructed. 

The movie ends with a scene at a family Thanksgiving table, and as the camera pans to the center, Turkie pops up and says “I smell a sequel bitch!”  Which there was, althoughly sadly as nearly unwatchable the original was, the sequel, deemed Thankskilling 3 because as told in it’s opening, Thankskilling 2 was so bad that Turkie destroyed all the copies.  That I don’t doubt, but he should have destroyed all the copies of 3 as well.  The original title will always remain the best and is only a mere 66 minutes long. Just enough time to stuff it in there between the parade and football.  Watch it, enjoy it, and then thank me for making it a part of your family’s tradition for years to come.

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–BB

Garfield’s Thanksgiving

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 By Joshie Jaxon 

  

Thanksgiving is an often overlooked holiday. As soon as Halloween is over, people are in X-Mas mode. Sometimes even before that. I find this unacceptable. As my anniversary of arriving on this planet, er, birthday, tends to fall on thanksgiving every few years, I like to make sure it is acknowledged. Thanksgiving, not my birthday. That always gets celebrated. In fact, we here at Gay Geek Gab have been working on Joshmas to properly celebrate my presence in the world. It’ll never catch on like X-Mas, but one can dream. Anyhow, there are few thanksgiving specials I would give my time to, but Garfield’s Thanksgiving is one of them. The nostalgia factor alone makes me come back to it every year. Now, without either ado, let the geeks begin! 

We open at casa Arbuckle on the day before Thanksgiving. Jon is trying to sleep, as Garfield walks in. He steps across the bed and moves Jon’s arm so he can look him in the face. Knowing what a busy calendar Jon has, Garfield will graciously allow him to return to sleep, after breakfast has been prepared. Jon rolls over, knocking Garfield off the bed. Now, it’s on. Garfield sets off a boom box on high volume, causing Jon to jump. Garfield returns with Odie, who has cymbals. Garfield tells Jon to do his duty and make pancakes, and coffee. Again I’d like to point out, we as the audience can hear Garfield, but in-universe, he doesn’t speak out loud. His mouth never opens for words or meows, though Odie barks. I just want to be clear on that. His owner can’t hear his words, but is expected to comply with them. We all on the same page here? Good. Odie drives the point home with a cymbal crash, as Jon wonders aloud if people with goldfish have these problems. He’s kinda stupid, isn’t he? 

  

We cut to Garfield finishing breakfast. Jon comes in and starts cleaning the dishes, asking Garfield if the meal was to his satisfaction. Talk about pussy whipped. Garfield says a little less pan and a little more cake next time. He tells his stomach that it’s time for their early mid-morning nap. Odie walks by, and Garfield changes his mind. It’s time to abuse the dog. Odie stands at the edge of the table, as Garfield sneaks up on him. He pauses to break the fourth wall and tell us not to try this at home. Michael Vic must’ve missed this special. Before actually kicking Odie, Garfield sees a note on the calendar that says he has a vet appointment. Garfield hates the vet. It’s inhumane. She thinks she knows what’s good for him. Good for her. But that’s bad for him. Because what’s bad is good for him. But if he goes to the vet and that’s bad, she’ll prescribe what’s good for him, and that’s not good. In an effort to get rid of the calendar, he shoves the date into Odie’s mouth, revealing the next day is Thanksgiving. That’s the day we celebrate food, by eating as much of it as we can. It’s the day people try to eat every turkey, pumpkin and cranberry on the face of the Earth. Excited, he takes the calendar in to Jon, who says they should go shopping. Yeah, get your Thanksgiving meal the day before. Again, kind of stupid, isn’t he? 

  

Garfield and Jon shop over the opening credits. During the drive home, Garfield keeps shoving things in Jon’s face, causing him to swerve. He warns Jon not to bruise his cumquats. There’s a joke in there somewhere. Garfield realizes they aren’t taking the normal way home. Jon says they’re going to the vet. Garfield screams. I presume from the fact that a car full of groceries will be going bad, because Jon is a moron. In the waiting room, Garfield is shaking, and hugging Jon’s head for dear life. Jon tells him to relax. Garfield quips if he wants him to relax, take him to Hawaii. He’s just there for a checkup. Checkout is more like it. Garfield says Jon should just marry the vet, then she’ll make house calls. They get called into the office, and Jon greets Liz. She immediately corrects him that it’s “Dr. Wilson”. He tries again, and she says that he can call her doctor. He then calls her Dr. Liz. Jon asks her about the weather. She says that’s a personal question. He asks her on a date. Liz says she’d rather die. She’s such a bitch, I just love her. Jon keeps pestering her, and with her attention on rejecting him, she doesn’t see the blood pressure cuff causing Garfield to swell. He breaks the fourth wall again to tell us Jon is a dip. We know, kitty. Jon says he’ll hold his breath until she agrees to go out with him. Yeah, Ramone, that’ll happen. Liz says the good news is that Garfield is as healthy as a horse. The bad news is he’s as big as one. As she’s talking about his diet, Garfield is countering her points. Fiber is for sweaters! Water is for birdbaths! Without food there’s no life as we know it! Jon passes out cause he’s too stupid to breathe to stay alive. Liz agrees to go out with him. Yes, really. She can’t stand to see a dumb animal suffer. Jon says he’ll make a big thanksgiving dinner. She sees the silver lining of not being seen in public together. Jon is so excited about his first boy-girl date that he leaves without Garfield, and Liz has to remind him about his cat. Pet owner of the year ova here. 

  

Back at home, Jon sits down for lunch. He hands Garfield his bowl with a single lettuce leaf in it. That’s it? Nope. Jon takes it, and rips it in half. Poor kitty. Garfield sneaks into the kitchen for a snack, but before he can open the fridge, a whistle blows. Jon introduces his new diet monitor, Odie the fierce. Any time Garfield goes off his diet, Odie will blow the whistle and let him know. Garfield threatens Odie, but the whistle is blown. I’m guessing Garfield is wishing he hadn’t kicked Odie off the table so many times. Garfield wanders into the bathroom, and approaches the electronic scale. The talking scale says it can give weight, a fortune, or anything else you want to know. Garfield says to tell him his name. Judging by weight, she assumes he’s Orson Wells. The scale asked for an autograph, and says it’s seen all of his movies. Garfield asks how it’d like to have it’s battery removed. It says it wouldn’t like that. Wait, the scale can understand the thought-speak of the anthropomorphic cat? Sure, why not? Scale says it’s seen Citizen Kane eight times. Garfield has has enough, and jumps on the scale until it breaks. As the scale flatlines, it says “Rosebud”. Nice touch.

  

The next morning Jon is stirring his coffee as he asks Garfield if he slept well. Garfield shows fangs and claws. Well, aren’t we nasty today? Oh well. Nothing is going to ruin Jon’s good mood. He’s got a date with a dreamboat. Ooh, she’ll be there in three hours. Better get the turkey out of the freezer. Yes, he said that. I’d say it’s well established that Jon is a grade-A moron. Jon reads from a cookbook, remove turkey from freezer 24 hours before cooking. Minor technicality, really. You can’t believe everything you read. The only step Jon gets right is to have the bird breast up. When he reads to rub skin with butter, he applies it to his own, not the turkey. Cover with foil and roast at 350 for 5 1/2 hours. He doesn’t have that long. Straight guy shortcut, just set the oven for 500 degrees. Good plan. Now, the veggies. He gets out a pot and adds corn, broccoli, brussel sprouts, turnips, and squash. He adds water and calls it done. If Liz eats anything, she’s getting food poisoning. Jon says the way he heard his mom and grandma talk, he always thought preparing thanksgiving dinner was tough. Only if you deal with the little details like, I dunno, following the directions. Discouraged by his diet, Garfield decides if he can’t enjoy thanksgiving, no one will. He then promptly pours garlic powder all over Jon’s veggies. Trying to ruin Jon’s dinner seems redundant, but kitty vengeance knows no logic. 

  

Deciding he needs to clean himself up, Jon starts by shaving. As he does, he tells Garfield that if you want something in life, you have to take it. He’s a man, right? Garfield says he’s a wimpy man, but yeah, he’s a man. Liz is a woman, right? No, she’s a veterinarian, and a cruel one at that. Jon says Liz is the one, and he’s gonna get her. He’s in charge of his own destiny. Garfield asks if he’s ever considered putting someone else in charge of his destiny. Next, Jon asks for Garfield’s honest opinion as he decides what to wear to dinner. We get a Jon fashion montage. Formal look, with tux. Semi-formal, plaid pants. Informal, jeans and a tee. High roller, with cowboy hat. Sports look, basketball outfit. Disco Jon. Hippie. Lumberjack. Popeye. Ballerina. Gorilla. Garfield sticks his tongue out to all of them. At least that time his communications were understood. Garfield suggests he try dressing as himself. Jon has the same idea. Suit coat, collared shirt, and tie. The only thing missing is pants. Doorbell. Jon is excited, she actually came! He says it’s nice to see her. Liz says he has nice boxers. Jon slams the door in her face, then yells at Garfield for not warning him. Sure, blame the cat. Jon tells him to be nice. First Garfield has to be a fashion consultant, now he has to be an actor. 

  

Jon reopens the door. Liz is still there. Either she has no other possible plans, or she saw through the boxers and knows Jon is packing. Otherwise, you explain why she stays for the rest of what’s about to happen. Liz says something smells. He says that’s just dinner. She was afraid of that. Garfield asks her if she’s fond of indigestion. Jon escorts her to the couch, then goes to the kitchen to check dinner. Odie plops down for pets, while Garfield sits close by. Liz asks about the diet, that he’s been on for a whole day at best, and says she’ll check for deficiency, so he doesn’t get anemic. He says not to forget beri-beri, rickets, and scurvy too. Liz starts listing off symptoms that people who diet can experience. Garfield starts acting each of them out. Unlike his owner, he’s not stupid. Liz says maybe the diet has been too hard on him. She’d rather he was fat and happy, so she offers mild exercise as a solution. Garfield is so excited he kisses her. He can eat. Oh Joy! Oh Rapture! Oh No! Garfield goes into the kitchen to see Jon repeatedly dropping the frozen turkey on the counter. Dinner is ruined. Liz will never speak to him again. Garfield has an idea, and runs off camera. He brings in a phone. Jon says he can’t feed that to Liz. Nitwit! Garfield brings in a record, that’s apparently grandma’s favorite. Should he play it for Liz? Next up, a pillow that grandma knitted. It still doesn’t solve the problem. Have you seen the solution yet, kids? If so, you’re smarter than Jon. Jon isn’t cold, and doesn’t know why Garfield gave him the sweater grandma made last X-Mas. Last chance! Garfield brings in a picture of grandma. Um, knowing his owner is an idiot, he should’ve started with that. Then again, he is still a cat. Garfield breaks the fourth wall again to tell us if Jon had a brain he’d be dangerous. Jon thanks her, and hangs up with grandma. 

  

We hear a motorcycle, and grandma comes through the door. She orders Jon to go entertain his lady friend, and to leave the kitchen to her. Jon goes out and tells Liz that dinner is simmering, or whatever food does. She offers to help. Jon says no, then goes into some lame story about how he likes to reminisce about what Thanksgiving is. She can’t believe he’s serious, but still doesn’t leave. I’m telling ya, tall, lanky Jon is hung. In the kitchen, grandma asks how Garfield is. Better, now that she’s there. She says Garfield is looking thin. Doesn’t Jon feed him. He loves her, and tells her to never leave them. Grandma finds the turkey, and says she likes a challenge, and this looks like one. She pulls out a chainsaw and tells Garfield that it’s war. In the living room, Jon starts in on the first Thanksgiving. Liz is nearly bored to sleep, until they hear the chainsaw. Jon tells her it’s the dishwasher, and continues shouting his boring nonsense at her. Back in the kitchen, grandma is working miracles. Cutting turkey, whipping up sauce, and preparing the turkey slices to be fried. Go grandma, go! Meanwhile, Jon is going on about Canadian thanksgiving and how it’s in October. Grandma asks Garfield about sweet potatoes. Garfield sticks out his tongue. She says he’s never had hers. Cup of butter, cup of brown sugar, and marshmallows. He’s beginning to like them already. Now, the piece de resistance, pumpkin pie. Garfield is in heaven. Grandma juggles all the goodies into bowls, and laps the table, setting it all up as she goes. Damn she’s good. 

  

Grandma slips away, and tells Garfield to warn Liz that Jon’s a keeper, and if she blows it, she’ll answer to her. Fourth wall break, they just don’t make ’em like that anymore. Liz and Odie are asleep, but Jon is droning on. Garfield signals that dinner is ready. Liz and Jon enter the dining room, and she is impressed. So is Jon. We see the four of them sitting around the table. Garfield goes for a roll, and has his paw swatted. Jon places one on his plate. Liz holds an ear of corn, but Odie sniffs at it and she gives it to him. Garfield steals Jon’s plate. Dinner shenanigans. Towards the end, Odie takes Liz’s hand, she takes Jon’s, he takes Garfield’s. Aww, touching family moment. Liz leaves, and says she had a good time. He offers her the same time next year. She says she’ll come before the meal, but after the history lesson. He gets a kiss on the cheek. It’s still an 80’s kids cartoon, we can’t imply they got it on. Jon goes to Garfield and Odie, and says it was a great day. One thing they’re all thankful for, Grandma. Jon says they should go for a walk to burn off the food. Odie can’t move. Jon says he’ll have to go on a diet. Cue Garfield with a whistle. Drop and give me ten! Credits

  

Whatever you celebrate this time of year, remember to be thankful for the people that you have in your life. From all of us at Gay Geek Gab, we appreciate your continued support, and wish you nothing but the best. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing! 

The Legend of Zelda – The Ringer

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By Joshie Jaxon 

Raise your hand if you’re old enough to remember the Legend of Zelda cartoon. Bueller? Bueller? How about the Super Mario Bros Super Show? Anyone? Now I feel old. More so because buzzfeed had an article showing today’s freshmen were born in 2000. They have no idea what either of the shows above are, or that they even existed. Luckily, I’m not only an entertainer, I’m an educator as well. If we don’t pass this information on, it will be lost to time like Song of the South. I’m not saying everything is good, but for accuracy, I’m including this sometimes painful cartoon. Excuuuuuse me, Princess. Let the geeks begin! 

  

The opening sequence has Zelda showing Link the triforce of wisdom, while explaining that the evil wizard Ganon has the triforce of power. Whoever gets both will rule the land forever. Some of you may be asking, what about the triforce of courage? Didn’t exist back in ’89. Maybe it was an aquanet dream someone had. Maybe they eventually realized with a name like triforce, there should be three, three sided objects. Whatever the case, it’s more of a narrative than we get in the game itself, sans manual, of course. Link awakens to another beautiful day in Hyrule. He complains how boring it is. He used to roam the world, fighting monsters, and sleeping in mud. It was a hero’s life. Now he lives in the castle, and sleeps in a bed. Side note, Link sleeps in a nightshirt and nothing else. How do I know this? For starters, the slits on the outer thigh reveal flesh color, which translates to no undies. Anyhow, why does he even stay? He looks out over the balcony, and sees Zelda in her pajama dress. He whistles at her, and she gets offended. A fairy carries a robe out to her, and says she tried to warn her. The fairy waves at Link as he comments to himself about offending her royal prissiness. Meanwhile, moblins have gotten into Link’s room! 

  

The moblins pull Link into the room. From the way he tries to kick, I swear we see his junk. I’m 99% sure of it. Link tells the moblins if they wanted to dance, they should’ve asked. He throws one into his bed, which causes his sword and pillow to fly towards him. Lookout ladies, now he’s got two swords. While trying to dodge a moblin, we get another flash of what can only be Link penis. Those animator’s were dirty, and I love them for it. Like any good slumber party, Link shouts “pillow fight”, and swings his at a moblin, getting feathers in it’s mouth. It’s the 80’s, so the villains are incompetent. They bumble around, and Link finally decides he’s done playing. He charges his sword, and it has the same sound effect as the original NES sword did when it fired a beam. Nerdgasm! He takes out the first two with ease, then holds to sword behind his head and hits the third. It drops a bone bow as a reward. He picks up his belt, opens the small pouch on the side, and shoves the bow into the hammer space that contains all of his goodies. 

  

There’s a knock at the door, and Link says after saving the triforce, a hero should get his reward. He puckers his lips, and opens the door. Zelda slaps him, and tells him never to whistle at her again. He may never whistle again, period. She asks if he ever cleans his room. Well, excuuuuse me, Princess. Had he known she was coming, he’d have had the moblins sweep up before he zapped them. I’ve gotta say, having played nearly every single game in the franchise, this is the only version of Link where we know for sure that he’s straight, and into Zelda. I know it’s assumed in-game that he’s saving her cause he’s into her, but he’s just doing his job. It’s not like Mario and Peach, who occasionally kiss or have hearts around them. To the best of my memory, Link and Zelda have never shown romantic feelings for each other. Granted, that’s a subject for another time. Where was I? Oh yes. Link is laying a guilt trip about fighting off so many moblins, and getting slapped for it. Zelda apologizes, but he just makes her so mad. This was the third attempt by Ganon this month. She orders Link to stay in and guard the triforce. But, it’s such a nice day. Zelda pats his face as she leaves. She’s already late to judge the amateur magician contest. Um, then why is she still in her robe, yelling at Link, rather than tending to her duties? Bad princess! 

  

Ganon’s underworld. He’s screaming and teleporting all over in anger at the moblin’s failure. They’re floating around in a giant glass jar of evil. I presume that’s where they get stored until he summons them later on. They apologize for their failure. He says they’ll be even sorrier. He blasts the jar with electrical looking magic, and they lose their moblin shape as they explode. If minions have souls, I believe they were just destroyed. Yikes! Ganon teleports to his throne long enough to give the old, if you want something done right, do it yourself, line. He teleports in front of the jar, and comments on the amateur magician contest in Hyrule, and he’s going to attend. The triforce of power can talk for some reason, and tells Ganon that he’s a pro. Ganon says they won’t know that. He slips a robe on over himself. Since his teleportation powers don’t work outside the underworld, he wants to travel in style. He summons a carrier, and four robe-clad stalfos to carry him. What a fierce diva. 

  

Hyrule Castle, amateur magician contest. An old man is showing Zelda his growing spell. A tomato on the vine gets bigger and bigger before it bursts all over his and Zelda’s faces. There’s a joke in there somewhere, but since it wasn’t a white splatter, I’ll let this one slide. Laughter is heard from the courtyard. Who dares?! Ganon shows up and says his name isn’t important, but he wants to enter the contest. Zelda asks if he’s an amateur magician. He says he is, then conjures a bird out of thin air. That’s considered amateur in this world? Wow. Zelda tells him to wait his turn. Ganon takes his bird, and we hear the dungeon music from the NES game as he turns it into a keese. He orders it to the tower to see if anyone is guarding the triforce of wisdom. Um, he already knows where it is? After the moblin attack they didn’t find it a new home? How stupid are these people? Link asks Sprite, the fairy, how to get Zelda to like him. She calls her a snot, and says Link should get with her. He comments she’s only three inches high. What, he doesn’t like short girls? For that matter, what does a fairy that’s so small, want with a full grown Link? I know we’ve seen his junk, twice, but c’mon, it’s your size. Maybe she just wants to hug it. The keese reports to Ganon that Link is on guard duty. Ganon then uses his magic to transform a lizard into a gigantic, fire breathing, dragon. Amateur magician, my ass. Oh wait, no one saw him do it. These people need a reality check. 

  

Link hears Zelda scream, and looks down from the tower to see the dragon. He then leaves the high vantage point of the the tower, that the dragon doesn’t know he’s in, to go fight it directly. He grabs a rope, cuts it, and swings down to land on the dragon, bouncing off it’s head, rather than doing something useful like say, stab it in the brain. Link’s shield materializes from hammer space without him pulling it from the pouch, which is good, cause he’d have been roasted. Now that he’s the dragon’s target, he can’t get a clear zap. If only he’d stayed in the freaking tower. Unless he has performance issue and can’t hit a giant target from that far away. Zelda grabs a metal dish, and throws it in the air. Link ricochets some blasts, and shrinks the dragon back to a lizard. The threat gone, Zelda asks what he’s doing. Saving her life, that’s all. He’s supposed to be guarding the triforce. Well excuuuuse me, Princess. Before he can finish, we hear Sprite scream. Powerful lungs for three inches high. Ganon is standing at the window that Link escaped through, which makes me wonder, if his teleport powers don’t work outside the underworld, how did he get up there? Ganon flicks Sprite into the wall, and picks up the triforce of wisdom. You’d think it’d be able to protect itself, at least a little. Especially as it too can talk, and tells him that evil doers always lose. Maybe it can cliche him into putting it back. He lands in his carriage and orders the stalfos to get them out of there. 

  

Now, even though he’s mere steps ahead of them, Zelda and Link just stand there stating that he’s got the triforce, and is getting away. Link even says they’ll never catch him now. Really, bitch? Can jump from a tower for a dragon but can’t take off on foot? No wonder they had to create Epona. Zelda looks at some nuts, and picks the one she likes. She then tells the old man to use his growing spell. I know it’s 4 years too soon for this reference, but magic wand, make my monster grow! The nut becomes a sapling, and Zelda uses it to fling her and Link in Ganon’s direction. They overshoot him by a ways, and Zelda asks how they’re going to get down. Well, if you’d tried on foot, or even horseback, you wouldn’t have this problem, would you? The answer is easy, they fall. Link first, then Zelda falls on him. He says he saved her life again, and asks for a kiss. Stupid 80’s heroes. Game Link has never cared about kissing her, why did they write him this way? Ugh! Sorry. Where was I again? Ganon approaches, and orders his minions to hurry as there’s a secret entrance to the underworld ahead. Link decides to slow him down, and effectively gives him a flat by taking out his front passenger-side stalfos. Ganon goes flying, and drops the triforce. Link laughs at the measly three stalfos, handing Zelda the bow he got earlier from the moblin. Ganon calls for reinforcements as the underworld opens and more stalfos appear. Link orders Zelda to be back to back, and straps them together with his belt. Um, sure. Why not? 

  

The battle starts and Link slashes at stalfos, as Zelda blasts them with energy bolts from the bow. Why they have to be belted together is beyond me. It makes no contextual sense at all. Neither of them has full range of motion, but that doesn’t seem to stop them from winning. Ganon gets frustrated and shows the remaining stalfos how to do it, by shadow boxing while still holding the triforce. Yes, seriously. The stalfos have Zelda three to one. If only Link could just turn around and slash or zap them with his sword. Oh well. Ganon throws a spiked bomb, and Link bends all the way over, and the stalfos holding Zelda are moved into it’s path and are destroyed. Zelda, while still upside down mind you, fires a blast at Ganon which causes his robe to catch on fire, and makes him drop the triforce. Wizard who can conjur bats, and make dragons is afraid of fire. I’m guessing he can’t make water to put it out. Well, maybe in his pants, but unless he whips it out and aims, that won’t help him. The remaining stalfos materializes a bomb from it’s chest. Oh no! Zelda is out of bolts! Link hits it in the air, then zaps the stalfos. Ganon runs to the entrance to the underworld, triforce in hand. Link swings like it’s baseball, and even though he’s beyond the underworld threshold and could teleport, Ganon gets hit by the bomb, and the triforce goes flying, landing in front of our heroes. Zelda is thrilled, and demands Link undo the belt. No. He wants a kiss first. I though Ganon was the pig on this show. Zelda agrees to a smooch, but before their lips touch, Sprite appears and ruins everything. She even releases them from the belt. 

  

Back in the underworld, Ganon is floating in his giant glass container of souls. He says when he gets out of there, Zelda and Link are going to pay. Uh, he’s the one who conjures things out of the jar. He’s also IN the jar. How’s he supposed to get out? At this stage in the game series, he doesn’t have any allies, only servants. None of the minions are powerful enough to get him out. Granted, none of them are free either. I’ll leave you to ponder how he’ll escape. Until next time, stay geeky, and keep gabbing!