Author Archives: beviannajaxon

Tapper!

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–by Bevianna Bones

Video games used to be so simple, yet so challenging and engaging. You competed against others for honor of top score or reaching kill screens.  There were no bosses, no real “end” to most games, as you completed all the boards, most games simply looped and became increasingly difficult. The pursuit of high scores as major achievements is something that has been missed in the new generation of gamers. It started back in the NES days, when finding all of the warp zones in Mario, finishing out Link’s quest, and not trying to shoot the duck hunt dog became more important. Arcade games soon followed suit with the same format; side scrolling beat-em ups with backstories and plotlines.  While some of the games born of that format are on my list of faves, and topics of discussion for another day, today we are going to harken back to the glory days of old. A time before that. A time when they have digital games about serving beers. Yes, before the ever popular iBeer, we had to entertain our digital beer needs with the coin-op machine Tapper.

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I love how it looks like a little bar…and the controls are little tap handles…

Tapper was released by Bally Midway in 1983. Sound familiar. This company had stakes in both major coin operated entertainment industries during this time. They marketed video games under the Midway trademark, and marketed their pinball division under the Bally trademark. They got to have their cake and eat it too up until the mid 90s when they closed their pinball division, amid waining popularity due to the uprising of such major video game franchises such as NBA JAM and Mortal Kombat. Both produced by Midway, nonetheless…can we get some useless information?

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Insert extremely obscure reference here

The premise of the game was simple. You, the player, took the role of Bartender and accepted the challenge of serving “delicious” Budweiser (officially licensed btw) beer to thirsty patrons in 1 of 4 bar settings, depending on the level. Western bar, Sports outing bar, rock bar, space bar. Because aliens get thirsty for their Bud too. The bars were laid out with 4 taps and thirsty patrons marched onward until you served them a frosty brew to keep the teaming hordes of customers at bay. Extremely thirsty guests would throw their empty mugs back at you, grateful ones would leave a tip. Let any parched patron reach the end of the counter sans brew, lose a life. Drop an empty mug, lose a life. Waste a precious, precious glass of frothy goodness, lose a life. After each consecutive level, the number and speed of patrons increases, and amount of time they are subdued (or pushed back rather) is shortened.

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Dancin’ girls and all Ya-hoo!

After every few levels, there would be a bonus level. A villain would appear behind the bar and play a shell game with you. He would shake up 5 of the 6 beers and if you managed to pick the one he did not shake, you would get bonus points. Otherwise, you’d get sprayed in the face, no points, and gain an understanding of what 8-bit pornography would have looked like.

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The hamburgler was young, and needed the money…

That’s it that’s the game, it was thirteen boards, and if you were good enough to pass them, they just cycled back through with increasing difficulty. It is recommended that while this game is licensed by Budweiser, and basically a giant advertisement to use it’s product, don’t. Think of the children. As exactly was the argument from consumers as Midway faced one of the first of many censorship battles in the name of the children. Thus, 1984 brought us both Root Beer Tapper and Soda Pop Tapper. The Budweiser logos all recoded as Mountain Dew and root beer advertisements. Aside from these changes to each board and the cabinet art, the game itself remained unchanged.

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Tapper has withstood the test of time, and remained relevant throughout the history of gaming. Home versions were released for Atari, ColecoVision, and Comadore 64. A modern revamping of the game, Tapper World Tour was released for PC, Android, iOS and XBox Live Arcade.  Tapper also was featured in Wreck-it-Ralph, as the bar all the characters go to after the arcade closes. And now, with the closing of this article, it’s time to tap a few myself. Until next time, game on.

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–BB

Pride Post – R/Evolution is Required

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By Joshie Jaxon

After watching the final four episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race last week, it got me thinking. In the episode, on the final runway, Ru shows each of them a picture of their younger selves, and asked them what they would say. It inspired me to think about what I’d say to a younger Joshie. 

  

I grew up in the 80’s and 90’s. For the longest time I knew I was different, but I never knew how. While I didn’t exactly know what gay was, I did know I was drawn to guys. I’d experimented with a childhood friend as a kid. I’d steal glances during gym class. Some of that is natural curiosity, but with the later introduction of hormones, I knew what sex I was drawn to. I got my first job at 15, and within a year, one of the supervisors there asked if I was gay. The default reaction of “no” was given. She told me if I wasn’t, I may want to work on my mannerisms. To this day I have no idea what she was talking about. I just behaved the way I did everyday. There weren’t a lot of gay characters in the tv/movies I was exposed to. It wasn’t as though I was absorbing gay culture and already claiming the pieces of it I wanted for myself. Although maybe I was. Who knows? 

  

At a later job, when I was in high school, one of my coworkers used to refer to me as mariposa, while another told me that the Tongan translation of my name was fakaleiti. Dunno if I spelled that last word right or not, but my point is, both are derogatory terms for a homosexual. They may as well have been calling me faggot. I didn’t come out until after high school, and didn’t have the strength I do now. If I did, I’d have done something about it, rather than silently taking it. I’m glad that today’s generation is able to be out, take their dates to dances, and not have to hide in a closet. I was fortunate, in that I was never physically assaulted. I know those that came before me would probably have loved to have had my experience over their own. 

  

That being said, our progress is far from done. I mentioned earlier not having any role models in tv/movies. When they finally did come along, we got Will & Grace. I loved this show when it was new, but time has altered that view slightly. Where I was once entertained, and glad there were gay characters on tv, I’m now a tad offended by some of it. Don’t get me wrong, any exposure is good exposure, but homogenized/sexless characters aren’t going to help make people see our community as it is. Showing the world a watered down version of gay people does nothing. Admittedly, overly flamboyant people still make me a little uncomfortable. However, I acknowledge that only goes back to my point about not being exposed to a variety of characters, only stereotypes, coupled with societal definitions of acceptable. 

  

Speaking of stereotypes, Queer as Folk came along right around the time I came out. I recall people being very upset about it’s blatant usage of drugs/alcohol/sex. Some praised it for it’s realistic portrayals, while others slammed it saying it made the community as a whole look bad. I wasn’t in either camp. I wasn’t connected to my community back then, and I also didn’t see myself in their characters. The closest I related to was poor Michael. Loving mother, never knew his dad, a geek. My comic love never got to the point his did, but considering I co-founded a geek blog, maybe it did. While I didn’t see them as stripped down characters, they also seemed rather extreme sometimes. I believe they were needed culturally. We still need more exposure for all facets of our community; Comic relief, sexless professionals, drug fueled horn dogs, loving parents, depressed singles, people with HIV, religious, atheists, all of it. The more we’re seen, good light or bad, it helps normalize us, and brings us one step closer to equality. 

  

We aren’t going to progress until we evolve past the need for mainstream America’s acceptance. Every time we shy away from a PDA, or feel the need to censor ourselves when speaking to others about our lives, we’re giving those in charge permission to treat us like the second class citizens they think we are. If they are uncomfortable, that’s their issue, not ours, and we need to stop taking ownership of it. We deserve to live our lives the way everyone else does. Not by streamlining it to what’s accepted, but by living without apology for being the fabulous people we are. 

  

That brings me back to my point. What I would tell my childhood self is this; things are going to happen to you. They aren’t your fault. You can’t control the world, but you can control your reactions to it. Friends can be enemies in disguise, and vice a versa. Everyone is going through their own struggle, and may use you as a target. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is help bear the brunt of their burden for them. Be confident as yourself, whoever that may be. Life will get better. You will find your place in it, and make your mark on it. Do your best to help show those what they can’t see. That will change the world. 

  

RuPaul’s Drag Race, Contestant Music Videos Extraveganza! 

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  By Joshie Jaxon

To kick off Pride month, as well as celebrate the finale of RPDR Season 7, I’m counting down the videos from each season, featuring the top three. They all deserve a chance in the Gay Geek Gab spotlight. Videos will be ranked based on song, visuals, and Ru appeal. Let’s get to the countdown. 

7 – Champion
One dream, the will to fight… Great opening line, and overall great song. However, the Grecian goddess vibe just didn’t do it for me. Ru looked flawless as always. Raja, Manila, and Alexis were on point, even with the latter’s big-ass hair. Playing Olympians was a fun addition, and fit with the champion theme. The pit crew were used as the lovely pieces of eye candy they are, but the overall video just didn’t get me as excited as other RuPaul videos have. 

  
6 – Jealous of my Boogie
Hey, DJ, love the way, I lose my inhibitions when you spin… This 80’s themed slap fest opens with Tyra, Raven, and Jujubee confronting RuPaul and getting their asses handed to them, Dynasty style. There’s big hair, shoulder pads, aquanet, the works. As if that weren’t enough we get to see Ru in each of her runway looks throughout the season, singing and dancing to the song. Meanwhile, the top three are having various cat fights throughout. The campy/soapy goodness is a guilty pleasure. 

  
5 – Born Naked
Who you waiting for? Another savior…? The second video on the list to feature 80’s eleganza. I like this one a lot. Ru is dancing and having a great time with her lip sync. Violet, Pearl, and Ginger are mannequins that come to life, and start dancing as well. We get 80’s camcorder font realness, which compliments Ru’s 80’s outfit for the colorized fashion montage. We get Hello Ginger, Death becomes Violet, Ugly Waters dress Pearl, Headpiece Hello Kitty Violet, Shakesqueer Ginger, Madonna Pearl, Marilyn Pearl, Fashion week Violet, and Snatch Game Adele, Ginger. As if all that fabulousness weren’t enough, we get to see the pit crew. Category is, censor bar couture. The icing on the cake? Pearl Smash! Don’t make me sickening. You wouldn’t like me when I’m sickening. 

  
4 – The Beginning
This is the beginning of the record you like… We open with Jinkx, Alaska, and Roxxxy being brought before Judge Rudy. The video splits into two narratives. One is the court scenes, which are hilarious. We get great lines like, “You can’t handle the T!” “Objection! Reading the witness!” And “What is it you can’t face?”. The court story is fairly straightforward. Ru is clearly enjoying playing the judge, several celebrity judges from the season get to be the jury, and the top three get to be witness, defense, and prosecutor. The second narrative makes less sense. The trio are having fun driving, then I assume they crash, and are driving the car up to heaven to meet with goddess Ru. But that’s just my educated guess. 

  
3 – Cover girl (Put the Bass in Your Walk)
Stroll down the runway, another pay day, cover of magazines… This video was shot with the season one filter, and is fairly soft. However, it was the season that started it all. RuPaul is in a catsuit getting her red Cadillac serviced. Giggity. We get Bebe, Nina, and Rebecca, the most normal sounding names of the top three in Drag Race herstory, on a road themed runway. There’s no real story for this video, other than singing, dancing, posing, and Bebe’s verse and that’s all we need. That and a hunky shirtless attendant help sing the chorus. Alright, I lied, there’s also the painfully adorable Lucian Piane playing the gas pump attendant. This video ranks as high as it does because of Lucian. We see an army of them. He dances with a gas pump in hand, and even semi thrusts against it. Put that on a loop. I’m set. Next!

  
2 – Sissy That Walk
Pick myself up, turn the world on it’s head… There’s no real story for this video either. We have Bianca, Adore, Courtney, and Darienne working this song for all it’s worth. They are all fierce divas, and Ru is just as fierce in this one. We’ve got cat suits, and an actual cat in the form of a literal panther on the runway. Not only do we get to see each of the top four in their own solo actions, there is some fun group choreography as well. That, coupled with the pit crew dressed up, and undressing, only add to the fun. The message of this song speaks to me, personally. If I fly or if I fall, least I can say I did my all. Of the songs on this list, it’s actually my favorite, but the next video is better overall. 

  
1 – Glamazon 
Everybody wants her, miss sexy in the city… This is my absolute favorite of all the contestant music videos, obviously. Bianca may be the top of my favorite queen’s list, but before her season, it was Sharon Needles. Hers was the only meet the queens I’d watched that year, and that was it. I wanted her to win from that moment on, and she did. For this video, Sharon, Chad and Phi Phi and enlarged in a non-sexual, still tucked, kinda way. They stomp their way all over the world. They take out their fellow queens from the season, as well as all the guest judges. The whole thing is themed like an old school video game, and they get points for each person they destroy. After taking out the last judge, an even larger Rupaul shows up and stomps the three of them at once. 

  
I hope whatever queen you supported won. We at Gay Geek Gab support all three. #TeamViolet #TeamPearl #TeamGinger

Just for fun, here’s a bonus Lucian for your enjoyment. Happy Pride month everyone!

  
-JJ

Yu-Gi-Oh! Heart of the Cards

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-by Joshie Jaxon

Long ago when the pyramids were still young, Egyptian Kings played a game of great and terrible power. These “shadow games” erupted into a war that threatened to destroy the entire world, until a brave and powerful pharaoh locked the magic away; Imprisoning it within the mystical millennium items. Now, 5000 years later, a boy named Yugi unlocks the secret of the millennium puzzle. He is infused with ancient magical energy, and is destined to defend the world from the return of the shadow games, just as the brave pharaoh did 5000 years ago. How’s that for series opening voiceover? Damn it’s good. I love this show, despite being nowhere near the actual gameplay until the Battle City arc. Though my own dueling decks may have a little dust on them, my fondness for the cartoon hasn’t faded.

I presume they’re in Domino City. I don’t think it’s ever stated outright that I can recall. For my posts’ sake I’ll say they are. Domino high school. Yugi is teaching Joey how to play Duel Monsters. Tristan harasses Joey’s ability to think. Teá says that Yugi is like an expert. She explains the basics to Tristan, and us as the audience. Bakura is standing and watching as well, but isn’t identified by name, or even speaks. Joey makes a move, but Yugi makes a better one. We see Kaiba sitting there reading a book. He’s too cool to be bothered with such nonsense. That is of course until he hears Yugi mention his grandpa owns a game shop, and has a super rare card. Anyone familiar with my postings knows that I’m usually on the side of the villain, this series will be no exception. I adore Kaiba, and may even write up a Character Crush for him. Oops, as River Song would say, Spoilers.

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At the game shop, Yugi arrives with Joey, Tristan, and Teá in tow. He asks his grandpa to show them his rare card. They all beg, and he says they’re in for a treat. He doesn’t whip it out for just anyone. Well, he is old. Anyhow, he opens a box to reveal a blue eyes white dragon card. So rare, so powerful, it never leaves his hands. Until Tristan takes it for a closer look. Grandpa says it’s priceless, there are only four in the whole world. Joey says he’s ready to trade. No, not for the dragon, in general.

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The door opens and in walks Kaiba. Despite having a company to run, he wants to see the card. Well, he is still a teenager after all. Joey says they should all play sometime. Kaiba would have more of a challenge playing solitaire. He’s the top-ranked duelist in the country.
Kaiba spots the blue eyes, and offers an entire briefcase of cards for it. Even any amount of money he could think of. No dice. Even if it were a common card gramps wouldn’t trade it. It is a treasured gift from a friend. Kaiba storms out of the shop calling him a senile old fool. Girl isn’t used to hearing the word no.

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At Kaiba Corp HQ Seto tells his men he needs them to get something from the game shop. They go the store and challenge gramps to duel Kaiba. Figuring that he’ll teach Kaiba some respect, and not really having the option to say no, gramps accepts. Yugi and gang arrive after school to an empty shop. The phone rings, and it’s Kaiba telling Yugi to come pick up his grandfather. They rush to Kaiba’s office, and find him on the floor. Gramps says he failed in teaching Kaiba respect for the heart of the cards. Joey calls Kaiba sleaze, but Kaiba said they only had a duel, each putting up their rarest card as the prize. Dueling against a champion like him must have been too stimulating, but fair is fair. Kaiba produces the blue eyes, and proceeds to rip it in half. Now it can never be used against him. I call bullshit. Kaiba wants power, and strong cards, at the very least, he’d have held onto that rather than destroy it. It’s episode one, but down the line, we see he has a great deal of reverence for those dragons. Well, maybe just his own.

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Gramps is upset that his treasured card was ripped. He gives his cards to Yugi, and tells him to teach Kaiba the lesson he failed to. Joey says they’ll take care of his grandpa while he takes care of Kaiba. After all, Yugi is the best player he knows, plus he has the millennium puzzle. Teá produces a sharpie, and marks their hands with a smiley face, as a symbol of friendship. They take gramps to an ambulance, but Joey stays behind to cheer for Yugi.

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Kaiba and Yugi are in his special arena. Yugi says playtime is over. His puzzle glows, and we see him surrounded by light. Yugi is now taller, his hair, voice, and demeanor changed. Kaiba reacts like he can see it, but the early episodes have never been 100% clear if the change from Yugi to the Pharaoh is strictly for us as the audience, or if the in universe people can see it too. It’s an issue for later. It’s time to duel!

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The duel starts with Kaiba summoning a monster. When his card is played, a holographic image appears in front of them. “Yugi” deduces that this is how Kaiba overwhelmed his grandpa. Yugi plays his own card as Joey, and Kaiba’s brother Mokuba, arrive to watch. Kaiba loses the first clash, but on his next turn he summons and powers up his dark clown, and uses it to attack Yugi. Yugi draws a random chained leg. Not helpful. Yugi loses monster after monster to Saggi the dark clown. Kaiba taunts that he’s not faring much better than the old man. Yugi believes is his cards, and is rewarded with Gaia the fierce knight. With the clown vanquished, Kaiba pulls out all the stops and summons a blue eyes white dragon. Wait, wasn’t that torn up? Double wait, gramps wasn’t the only one in the world who had one? The dragon, like so many before it, makes short work of the knight.

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Monster after monster are fed to the dragon. Feeling cocky, Kaiba plays his second blue eyes. Now dealing with two dragons, Yugi needs a miracle. Swords of revealing light! Kaiba’s dragons are stopped for three turns. Yugi isn’t about to give up. If only he knew what to do with the two legs and an arm that he’s holding. We hear gramps reminding him that the cards can be like a puzzle, and if all the pieces are put in their place… Yugi then remembers about the time grandpa told him about the only unstoppable monster in the game, Exodia; who can only be summoned if all five cards are assembled, a feat which has never been done. Doubtful, but we’ll go with that. Yugi summons the dark magician to defend.

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However, his efforts are for nothing. Kaiba summons the third blue eyes. See what I was saying earlier about power, and dragon loving? I don’t buy his reason for destroying the fourth. I’d have believed if he’d said it was because you can have more than three of the same card in your deck, but he still could have kept it and not used it. Seriously, if he wanted to be the only owner of a blue eyes in the whole world, you don’t destroy one. Anyhow, the dragon takes out the dark magician. Kaiba tells him that next item all three of his dragons can attack. Yugi will lose no matter what card he draws.

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Yugi starts to doubt himself, and the cards sense it. When he goes to draw a card, he feels like the cards are out of reach. He remembers the friendship smiley, and hears his friends encouraging him to believe in himself. Kaiba tells him to draw his last pathetic card. Grandpa’s deck has no pathetic cards, but it does have Exodia. Riddle me this, Kaiba. What’s the only thing more powerful than three blue eyes white dragons? The answer is Exodia! Alright it’s not a riddle. Just like the symbol he’s summoned from isn’t a pentagram. Stupid US tv edits. Kids don’t know or care about such things. It’s just a cartoon to them. I didn’t get the booby trap joke in Roger Rabbit for years. Sorry, edits done to original works in the name of protecting children irritates me. Kids can handle more than they’re given credit for. Anyhow, Exodia obliterates the dragons, and Yugi wins the duel.

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Kaiba is in shock. Mokuba is in shock. His brother never loses. Kaiba doesn’t understand how he could lose to Yugi. Yugi tells Kaiba that he only plays for power. If he really wants to understand, he needs to open his mind, maybe then he’ll begin to see. A symbol appears on his forehead, he makes a dramatic gesture, and we see a picture of Kaiba crack. The effects of which are seen later.

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Elsewhere, Mr. Pegasus has just been informed that their undefeated champion, Seto Kaiba, was beaten by a boy named Yugi. Pegasus’ golden eye briefly sparkles. I should also note that the censor/editors didn’t care that he’s drinking wine. Until next time. Goodnight everybody!

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–JJ

T5T – Top 5 Pinball Machines

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–by Bevianna Bones

Good day to you readers! What a wonderful holiday weekend it was. My mate and I made an excursion to Pinball Kingdomz, which is exactly what you would expect. A castle filled with pinball machines, old arcade games, ticket games, and craft beer. It was Bevianna heaven. After a day of playing the pins and drinking delicious beers, I was inspired to discuss pins here on the blog. Joshie and I have been discussing introducing a new recurring segment, Top Five Tuesdays, so what better way to start it off than to count down my top five favorite pinball machines of all time. Again, these are simply my personal favorites, not the top five in terms of revenue or general consensus.

5. Black Rose

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Shiver me timbers!! Black Rose is a swashbuckling themed table of beauty manufacturered by Bally-Williams in 1992. It was unique for having a cannon in the center of the lower playing field, and upon lighting broadside, you launched the pinball to sink the ship. Also, Black Rose had 2 mulitball modes and multiple video modes. 3746 of these tables were made, and I currently have the grand champion score on my home machine.

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4. Scared Stiff

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Scared Stiff is the second Elvira licensed pinball machine, and was by Bally-Midway in 1996. The first was Elvira and the Party Monsters in 1989. While both are great machines, Scared Stiff has the better gameplay and the better naughty Elvira quotes. “Now there’s a scary stiff”, “Who oesn’t love a little head”. Set in the realm of midnight horror bad movies, the premise is to light all 6 scary tales to activate the stiffometer and get scared stiff. The unique animated backglass of the spinning spider wheel adds an interesting element to activate bonuses when the ball is dropped in the spider hole when activated. This machine has 2 multiball modes, and the unusal ability to play bonus modes simultaneously when activated to really rack up the points. Bally made 4028 of these machines, and is currently fetching upwards of 20k in the collector market.

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3. Theatre of Magic

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Released in 1995 by Bally-Midway, this table was instantly one of my favorites the first time I put my 50 cents in and heard the voice say, “Welcome to the Theater of Magic! Shoot for the magic trunk!” The goal of the table is to light all of the magic shows and work your way up through magician apprenticeship to unlock the grand finale. Several different playfield oddities are on this table, such as the hidden basement, levitating balls, and a mirror that extends the playfield. Multiball was an easy unlock on this table. Bally made 6600 of these machines, and there is a supposed Easter egg, that if you hold down start and a flipper at some point in the game, vs codes for MK3 are shown, however, having never done this myself, I cannot confirm.

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2. Medieval Madness

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Another great Bally table released in 1997, this table featured a renaissance theme and Monty Pythonesque humor. Tina Fey even did some of the voices. The purpose of the game is to destroy the 6 castles of various roalty types, working your way through the kingdom to ultimately destroy the Reign of Payne. King Payne that is. Along the way, there are plenty of humorus modes to activate; peasant revolt, save the princess, catapult shots, and trolls to destroy. 3 multiball modes and a playfield castle that you actually get to destroy, make this a must play machine for any pinball or Monty Python lover. Bally produced 4016 of these machines, and it remains one of the most sought after by collectors, fetching nearly 15-20k dollars a machine.

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1. Twister

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My personal favorite, is different than many other people’s. Most pinball junkies will tell you that Addams Family or Twilight Zone, or even Terminator 2 are their favorite machine, but mine hands down is Twister. One of the last machines that Sega produced before getting out of the pinball business, it’s easily one of their best. This was a licensed table, based off the movie, so gameplay basically was driven around chasing the storms and unleashing Dorthy. This table has an impressive 4 ball multiball, and 4 different multiball modes. Filled with dialogue and music from the film, no one can imagine the pleasure of starting Chase Multiball and hearing the game tell you “We got cows!!” Oh it’s pure pinball greatness. And to add to the multiball madness, there is a spinning twisted disc in the center of the table that flings the balls throughout the playfield. The backglass even has a fan that blows “wind” on you to get you further in the mood.  While this is not a well known machine, or highly sought after by collectors, it’s multiball mayhem will always hold it the most special place in my heart.

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–BB

All images in this article were taken from my virtual pinball cabinet that I built for use in my home. The cover image was taken at Pinball Kingdomz in Buda, TX.

Naruto – Enter: Naruto Uzumaki!

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-by Joshie Jaxon

Twelve years ago, a nine-tailed fox suddenly appeared. It’s tails lashed out, smashing mountains, and sending tidal waves crashing to the shores. The ninja rose up to defend their villages. One shinobi faced the nine-tailed fox in mortal combat; he sacrificed his life to capture the beast, and seal it in a human body. This ninja was known as the fourth Hokage. As mentioned in several prior posts, I love me some good voiceover. This one was courtesy of Sarutobi, aka the third Hokage. It gives us the key event that sets up this series, as well as Shippuden that follows. This is one of my favorite anime, and for good reason, but I’ll get into that later on.

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We open the series with a baby crying, surrounded by candles, an something resembling a tattoo is on his tummy. Flash forward, our titular character is running through the village escaping the adults trying to catch him for painting all over Mount Hokage. That’s not what it’s called, but as it’s four heads of the village’s leaders carved into the stone, you can see why I’d call it that. We see Sarutobi painting as he’s interrupted. Oh no, not Naruto again. This guy knows his people. Naruto manages to get away from his pursuers, but Iruka sensei pops up and tells him to get to class.

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Cut to Naruto tied up at the front of the class. Iruka, being at the end of his rope, pun intended, tries to get through to him. Since Naruto doesn’t seem to care, now the whole class has to practice their transformation jutsu, and turn into Iruka. Sakura and Sasuke do theirs without a flaw. Naruto on the other hand, breaks out his sexy jutsu. He changes to a busty, long-haired, nude, blonde. Obviously distracted, Iruka falls over, which is a running gag in most anime, but not so much here in the states. When we see Iruka upright again, no pun this time, he’s got tissue in his nose. Apparently Naruto is so sexy that rather than blood rushing to his, uh, shiitake mushroom, it came out his nose instead.

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On Mount Hokage, Iruka is supervising the clean up detail, and tells Naruto he’ll be there until it’s clean. Big deal, it’s not like anyone is waiting at home for him. That sentence gives us a glimpse at the fact that Naruto is an orphan. Iruka decides to sweeten the deal, and offers to take him out to dinner if he can see the sexy jutsu again. Alright, he actually says they can go for ramen when the graffiti is cleaned up. Now Naruro is motivated. This isn’t three minute cup o noodles, this is the good stuff. It’s restaurant quality. He’ll be done in no time.

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Later that night, in the ramen shop, Iruka asks Naruto why he did that to Mount Hoakge, and if he knows who they are. Naruto says they were the best of the best, undefeated ninja champs. The fourth is the most amazing, for saving the village from the nine-tailed fox. Again Iruka asks him why he did it. Naruto says he will be greater than any of them. He’s gonna be Hokage one day, then people will have to show him some respect. Naruto asks to try on Iruka’s headband, and is shot down. You can only wear the leaf headband if you
pass the exam.

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The next morning at the academy, the final test will be in the clone jutsu. No! That’s Naruto’s worst technique. Focus, Naruto-San. Wax on, wax off. Not even Mr. Miagi’s teachings can help. Naruto’s clone looks like he molted a shell, while looking like a frog. The other teacher wants to cut Naruto a break, but Iruka says no. He didn’t get to see sexy jutsu last night after dinner, and he’s cranky and frustrated after practicing his hand signs.

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Naruto failed, and was the only one who did. We see him sitting alone while everyone else is having fun together. Two girls start to discuss him, but one shuts the other down, saying it’s forbidden. Meanwhile, the other teacher approaches Naruto for a private conversation. Seeing this, Sarutobi tells Iruka he needs to talk to him. Stranger danger, ninja style! Later that day, teacher and student are talking. We learn that Iruka is like Naruto, with no parents or family. Naruto will never be strong if Iruka goes easy on him. Yet to be named teacher tells him there is a secret way he could graduate.

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Iruka lies on his bed, as Sarutobi’s words go through his head. Because of the nine-tailed fox, he’s never known the warmth of a family. Flashback to Iruka being dragged away while his parents went to fight the fox. The flashback is interrupted when the other teacher tells Iruka that Naruro stole the sacred scroll. The scroll of sealing? Oh no! Relax guys, Naruto is just trying to study. First technique, multi shadow clone jutsu. No, not clones! It’s still his worst jutsu! We see a group meeting with Sarutobi. This is more than just a prank. That scroll contains secrets that were sealed by the first Hokage. Secrets known only to their village. Sarutobi sends them to retrieve Naruto.

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The unnamed teacher thinks to himself about how he’ll take the scroll for himself once Naruto is out of the way. Low blow setting up a kid to take the fall. Let’s think this through though; a kid was able take something, under assumed guard, and get away with it. Not only that, he was able to just open and read the scroll with no on-screen consequences. Now, I know this is episode one, but if that scroll contains such powerful secrets, a kid that can’t make a decent clone shouldn’t have been able to take it, where a teacher presumably failed, despite being a fully trained ninja. Just thought I’d point that out. Back to the show.

In the forest Naruto is panting, as Iruka shows up. Naruto praises him for catching him so fast. He only had time to learn one technique. Iruka can see the progress he’s made. Naruto says he’s gonna show him what he learned, and then he’ll pass. That’s what Mizuki said. Anyone who learns a technique from the scroll, passes. As Iruka realizes that Mikuzi is a traitor, multiple kunai are flung at him. He shoves Naruto out of the way, and is hit by several. Iruka tells Naruto to keep the scroll from Mizuki, since it contains forbidden jutsu.

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Mizuki tells Naruto that Iruka is lying. That Iruka is afraid of him because of the decree. What decree? I’m glad you asked. The nine-tailed fox is inside Naruto! That’s why they treat him like dirt, he contains the fox spirit that cost so many their lives. Naruto’s anger flares, and so does his chakra. Iruka remembers what Sarutobi told him. Naruto always thinks about the family he doesn’t have. He’s always in pain. That’s why he gets in trouble, so people will notice him and pay attention to him. Mizuki tells Naruto to die, and throws a giant shuriken at him. Iruka intercepts it, in the back. Naruto asks him why. Iruka says they’re the same. After his parents died, people ignored him. He became the class clown just to get attention. No one should have to be alone like that. Mizuki tells Naruto that Iruka hates him because the fox spirit that killed his parents is inside him. Naruto takes off running.

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Iruka throws the shuriken from his back at Mizuki. It misses. Mizuki will come finish him off, after he has the scroll. Mikuzi has a big mouth. If Naruto unleashes the nine-tails, they’re all in danger. We see Iruka catch up to Naruto, but Naruto tackles him. It was Mizuki in disguise. That’s ok though, Naruto was Iruka in disguise. You can’t trust a ninja. Mizuki says Naruto is a beast, and will pour his revenge into the scroll. Iruka tells him that’s not who Naruto is. He’s got a big heart, and tries his best. Naruto overheard all of it. He’s so moved, that when Mizuki goes to finish off Iruka, he intervenes. Naruto threatens that if Mizuki lays a hand on his sensei, he’ll kill him. Mizuki laughes. He could finish Naruto with a single move. Naruto says he’ll get it back a thousand fold. Multi shadow clone jutsu!

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Mizuki is surrounded, and Iruka comments that these aren’t illusions, and are solid clones. A lot of progress in one night to master such a technique. We hear the sounds of fighting, then are shown Mizuki unconscious and bruised on the ground. Naruto makes sure Iruka sensei is alright. Iruka calls him closer, he wants to give him something. Back in the village, the search party is baffled that they haven’t found Naruto yet. Sarutobi tells them that the scroll is fine, and Naruto will be back soon. In the woods, Naruto opens his eyes, and is wearing a Leaf Ninja headband. He graduates! Iruka says he’ll take him out for ramen to celebrate.

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–JJ