Tag Archives: retro toons

He-Man and the Masters of the Universe – The Cosmic Comet

by

0

  

By Joshie Jaxon


He is Adam, Prince of Eternia, and defender of the secrets of Castle Grayskull. His companion, Cringer is his fearless friend. Cause, with a name like Cringer, you’ve gotta be fearless. Fabulous secrets were revealed to Adam when he held his sword aloft and said, “By the power of Grayskull, I have the power!”. It transformed Cringer into the mighty Battlecat, while Adam became He-Man, the most powerful man in the universe. Only three people know his secret. Their friend the Sorceress, Man at Arms, and Orko. Together, they defend Castle Grayskull from the evil forces of Skeletor. Now that’s an intro that gets all the exposition out of the way, so that we can dive right in. 

  

We open on Castle Grayskull with Evil-Lyn and Beast Man stating that the stars are just right, and the cosmic comet is passing. Time to open the gates of Grayskull. Evil-Lyn’s eyes glow, and the drawbridge opens, revealing He-Man and Man at Arms. He-Man calls Beast Man fur face, and the latter takes offense. To add injury to insult, He-Man tosses him off the bridge into a lake of mud. I swear that Beast Man says “fuck”, but as this was 1983, and a kids show, I’m sure it was really “suck”. Dude needs to enunciate better. Evil-Lyn attempts to conjure energy bolts to hit He-Man, but they backfire, and she falls in the mud too. Evil-Lyn swears they’ll be back. He-Man says they should clean up first. He’s a little OCD on cleanliness. The Sorceress tells He-Man that it was only a test, and they need to find the comet’s keeper, Zagraz. Where can he be found? Zagraz mountain, of course. Well, that’s convenient.

  

In the throne room, Man at Arms is telling the king and queen that he and Adam need to go away on a secret mission for the good of the kingdom. *cough Eternia white party *cough. King Randor says if it’s so important, Teela should go too. Adam and MaA exchange a look that clearly says, cock blocked. Orko invites himself along as well, and Randor refuses. That is, until Orko offers to practice for the banquet. Randor quickly changes his mind. Again, Adam and MaA look at each other. Dude, really? We’re never alone any more. Poor, frustrated muscle men.

  

Snake Mountain, Skeletor says the time has come. He joins hands with Beast Man and Evil-Lyn so they can join their powers. Since when does Beast Man have powers? I know it’s episode one and all, but come on. One of these things is not like the other… Whatever. Let their evil grow! They summon an energy orb, and send it after the comet. A short moment later, Skeletor says the cosmic comet is under his control, and then proceeds to wave his arms in the air like he just don’t care. White party weekend, y’all! 

  

Adam, Cringer and company travel in a tank, with automated voice response technology. Man at Arms tells it to stop, and it confirms, then asks for instructions. Cringer tells it to turn back. Bad kitty! They arrive on Zagraz Mountain, and he’s glad to have the company. It’s been one, no, two hundred years since he’s had visitors. They ask Zagraz about the cosmic comet, and he says it’s all his fault. There used to be two, but he accidentally destroyed one during a display of his power. The other comet grew lonely without it’s friend. It lost it’s heart. Zagraz feels bad for what he did. Teela reassures him that anyone can make a mistake. That’s great and all, but Zagraz can’t control the comet, and Skeletor can.

  

Speaking of Skeletor, he’s busy telling Beast Man that they need to take care of Zagraz, as he could try to interfere, despite losing confidence in himself after his little mistake. Skeletor orders the comet to send creatures to capture Zagraz. Adam sees them coming, and he and Teela run. He trips, and she goes back for him, so that she can knock him out of the way of the incoming comets. They land, and take humanoid shape. Zagraz says they were made from the comet’s power, but they aren’t alive; they’re more like golems. Cringer ain’t having it, and runs off. Adam is right on his paws, er, heels. Teela attempts to blast one, but nothing happens. Orko tells us that it was Teela’s freeze ray. Man at Arms tries his blaster, but it’s deflected back at him. This isn’t good. 

  

Adam found the cave Cringer was hiding in, and tells him they have work to do. Cringer refuses. That is of course, until Adam pulls out his sword, gets all hunky, and shoots his white magic all over Cringer. Make it rain! He-Man mounts his newly confident Battlecat, and rides to save his friends. Meanwhile, Zagraz tries and fails to control the comet creatures. He-Man smashes them to pieces. Around that time, Teela comes to. She asks where Adam is, and doesn’t get an answer. Zagraz is upset that Skeletor controls the comet. Orko collects the pieces of the comet creatures, and stores them in hammer space. They need to get back to Grayskull. 

  

The Sorceress says she should be able to help Zagraz. He-Man says it’s time to visit Skeketor. Only problem is, Skeketor can see that he’s coming, and sends Beast Man to slow him down. While he does that, Evil-Lyn will help Skeletor summon the comet to defeat He-Man once and for all. On the road to Skeletor, He-Man and the tank discuss old bone head. No one mentions that Adam is still technically missing, and so is Cringer. You’d think He-Man would be better at not blowing his cover story. Then again, if he’s always busy blowing, never mind. Beast Man tries to block their path, but the tank drives right over it. They shoot the wings off his plane, and send him crashing into another puddle of mud. Filthy beast! 

  

On top of Snake Mountain, all covered with cheese… Sorry. Skeletor and Evil-Lyn are holing hands. He orders the comet to raise their powers, so that they can defeat He-Man. The comets blasts them with energy, and Skeletor feels so good, he jumps down the mountain, landing in front of He-Man and the tank. Skeletor tells him to greet Eternia’s new ruler. He-Man calls him a villain, and is blasted for his trouble. Evil-Lyn celebrates the defeat of He-Man. Skeletor reminds her that he’s the one who controls the comet. In a rare display of 80’s villain competency, Evil-Lyn says they should chain He-Man and crew up. As Skeletor tells her not to worry, they are teleported away. Damn that Sorceress. No more games. Time to set the comet on Castle Grayskull. 

  

In Zagraz chamber, the Sorceress says that there’s nothing she can do to stop the comet. Apparently she can teleport three people, but not a chunk of space rock. Zagraz says if they make another cosmic comet, and fill it with light, maybe that will cancel out the other one. If only they had comet pieces. Oh wait, they do. Orko releases the pieces from hammer space. Teela is so happy she could kiss him. Zagraz says the Sorceress will have to meld all the pieces together again. Still no mention of the missing Adam and Cringer, by the way. Zagraz says to touch the reconstituted comet stone, and to focus on the good and light. The new comet glows, and thanks them for allowing it’s heart to beat once more. Talking comet, cause why not? 

  

In the backup jet, Beast Man asks Skeletor if it’s safe. What if Grayskull wasn’t destroyed. Stupid coward, nothing can stop it now. Besides, he wants to watch it happen. He’s kinky like that. Alright, let’s just pause a moment. Nowhere in the opening, or this episode, have they explained why Skeletor wants Grayskull as much as he does. All we know for sure is that he’s the bad guy, just because he’s the one with the skull head. Maybe he’s trying to free Eternia from Randor’s rule, and gay heir, in Adam. We don’t know. Maybe Evil-Lyn was Evelyn until some bitch in high school called her Evil-Lyn, and it stuck. Poor villains. 

  

Zagraz is told by He-Man to get the comet into the sky. He can’t. If he makes another mistake… He-Man doesn’t care about your mistake. Try harder. Zagraz pleads with the comet to fly, but with no confidence, it’s just not happening. I’m sensing a theme. In an effort to buy time, the Sorceress uses her spirit fingers to send He-Man flying at the cosmic comet. He collides with it, but since they’re in the air, with no traction for his feet, I’m not sure how much of a delay they expected to cause. Teela pep talks Zagraz some more, and he managers to get it up for her. The comet, you pervs. The comets collide as He-Man falls to the ground. The talking comets thank them all for their help. Zagraz thanks the group for having faith in him, when he didn’t. Awww

  

Meanwhile, the comets pass by Skeletor, sending him spinning out of control, and shouting He-Man’s name. Hey, it wouldn’t be the first time. The episode ends with Adam sitting with his eyes closed, as balls circle his face. Wouldn’t be the first time for that either. There’s no explanation for where he’d been, or how he got back. Maybe they assumed he snuck to the white party after all. In yet another, wouldn’t be the first time, Adam loses control of his balls, and almost sends one up Orko’s ass. Goodnight everybody! 

  

The moral of the story is to have confidence in yourself, even if you fail. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, again. No really, that’s the lesson. Man at Arms said so.

  

Woody Woodpecker – Knock Knock

by

0

image

-by Joshie Jaxon

The first appearance of Woody Woodpecker was back in November 1940. 75 years is a long time for a ‘pecker to be active, and he’s doing it nicely. His original voice was the legendary Mel Blanc, of Looney Tunes fame. During his debut, Woody wasn’t the star, it was actually an Andy Panda serial that allowed us to see Woody’s nuts. Yes, I plan on making genital jokes. Yes, I know it’s low hanging fruit. Yes, I know that was another one. On with the cartoon.

image

We open with little Andy asking his dad if you can really catch a bird by putting salt on it’s tail. Ever the devoted father, Papa Panda tells Andy that he’s busy. We get a shot of the desk, and see the racing form he’s looking over. Today’s entries –
1- Eczema … Scratch this one
2- Bustle … Will bring up the rear
3- Opium … This is a dope
4- Noon Hour … Twelve to one
I didn’t make those up, but damn if I don’t love a good pun.

image

We hear knocking, and Papa checks the door, but there’s no one there. Knock, check, repeat. Knock, check, repeat. Growing increasingly frustrated, Papa rips the door of it’s hinges, and sets it inside. The knocking continues, and Papa breaks the door into pieces. Smart little Andy tells him it’s that woodpecker again, and points at the roof, where we see the tip of the pecker’s pecker coming through the ceiling. Papa turns positively purple, and goes up to get his hands on that thrusting Woody. Woody pokes his head through the glory hole he just made and says, “Guess who?”. Girl, it’s supposed to be anonymous.

image

Papa heads up to the roof, as Woody hops around continuing to peck at it. Andy climbs up the ladder, bringing a shotgun to his anger management issues father. Being so full of rage, Papa has a precarious performance issue, and can’t get his gun to fire. It’s alright, Papa, I hear it happens to a lot of guys. Brain trust that he is, Papa looks into the barrel of the allegedly loaded shotgun, as Woody takes it from him and gets it to fire on the first try. Ah, youth.

image

Andy decides to take a turn, and goes after Woody with a salt shaker. Kid, you can’t just a-salt him. Cue groan from reader, and moving on. Woody grows massive, and starts dripping with, let’s go with rage. He tells Andy the last one that tried to get him from behind was torn limb from limb. Alright, we get it, Woody, you’re a top. Calm down.

image

Papa sends a lady bird looking time bomb after Woody, and he goes gaga for it. It kisses him, then he flies off in classic toon fashion, drilling holes through trees and poles, before coming back to kiss on his new sex toy some more. This time when he does, he’s not the only one who goes off. He cries at the pieces of his fallen love, saying he’s been betrayed.

image

Andy tries to a-salt him again, but Woody puts a beer under the shaker, it gets a head, and he blows the foam in Andy’s face. Yes, seriously. In 1940 a cartoon character got head, and blew it in a kid’s face. Still feeling nostalgia for the good ol’ days?

image

Woody lands on Papa, and starts pecking his head. Papa quickly covers him with his hat, declaring that he’s got him. Woody breaks through the hat like an expired prophylactic, and tells Papa to hold on tight. Woody takes off, and carries them through the air. Andy gets the shotgun, and shoots his father in the ass. Incest in the morning! Repressed memories! 97.1! Sorry, had to. Papa and Woody crash through the roof, and this time when Andy a-salts Woody he gets him good.

image

Woody doesn’t seems to mind, that is of course until he realizes he can’t run away. He panics, and tries in vain to escape. Driven mad by the experience we hear the sound of the ever-vigilant psych ward, which arrive to take Woody away. They tell Papa that confidentially, this guy (Woody) is nuts. They know his whole family, and they’re all crazy. Why, take them for instance. The two then start laughing like Woody, and bouncing around the screen. Credits

image

-JJ

Count Duckula – No Sax Please, We’re Egyptian

by

0

image

-by Joshie Jaxon

What an odd first episode title. Then again, it was the 80’s, and it is British. However, before we get to the episode, we need to appreciate the opening credits. They tell the tale of the Duckula line, and how they can be revived once every century. This time around they used ketchup instead of blood, and as a result, this incarnation is not evil, and is a vegetarian. On with the show!

image

Castle Duckula. The Count waits for his food, telling Igor he hasn’t paid the power bill since the last time they brought him back to life. Nanny, his hulking lady servant, with one arm always in a sling, crashes through the wall. He reminds her to use the door, so she leaves, and crashes through the door instead. Tired of nearly being killed by Nanny, the Count says he’s going to run away, stating last time she killed three chambermaids and a footman, to which she replies, “They were only part time”. I want to like her. Igor takes the Count to the portrait gallery to remind him of his proud name and inheritance.

image

We see some crows in masks, they’re reading a guidebook on Castle Duckula, and decide to go rob it. As they scale the outer wall, we hear Nanny ooohing as she dusts. The crows hear it, and assume it’s a werewolf. Nanny says to herself, “Give it a tickle with me feather duster, and it’ll be as right as rain.”. The crows think she’s talking about the werewolf, and say “She’s tickling it with a feather duster, no wonder it’s howling”. I love the Brits.

image

Meanwhile, Igor is telling the Count about his ancestors. We hear the tale of the Archduck that explored a pyramid in Egypt, and was never heard from again. Igor makes mention of the mystic saxophone, yes, mystic saxophone, that gives whoever plays it the power of life and death. Duckula just wants to use it to be famous and fill stadiums. Poor Igor, he wanted a bloodthirsty Master, and instead he got this. He hopes the sax will make the Count evil. As the crows ponder how they’ll travel the 3000 miles to Egypt, the Count runs down to an upright coffin, announcing his destination, and the castle teleports there. There’s no in episode description for why the castle has/is a transporter. Hashtag mysteries of Castle Duckula

image

They enter a pyramid, and begin to explore. Igor points out a statue of Anubis, and Nanny covers her little duckyboos eyes. She won’t have him looking at people with no clothes on. He tells her it’s Anubis, not a nudist. Yay wordplay! Pre-Family Guy cutaway to the cuckoo clock in the castle. It has two Statler and Woldorf style bats that tell a lame joke, complete with laugh track. So, that happened. Back to the pyramid. Duckula finds a statue of Serket. Nanny says it’s small, to which the Count quips that it’s a short Serket. He’s gonna be famous with material like this.

image

The crows plot how to take out the Count. They rig a stone slab to a rope and attach it to each entrance of a chamber. If only Nanny used doors. She crashes through the wall, bypassing their trap. Duckula goes back to grab the rope for later, and the crows are crushed off screen. Being toons, they survive. Next they plan to use a boulder and giant rubber band. It’s worth pointing out this is the late 80’s, and Wile E Coyote has been around a few decades. They should already know this isn’t gonna work. Oh well. The crows are smashed again. Naturally.

image

Duckula and company conclude they must be getting closer to the chamber, and to look out for traps. The Count falls for one, cause he is the titular character, after all. He wakes to a priest, Hoomite, and his assistant, Yubi. Anyone else see where this is going? The priest says “who might you be?” And we go into a very Who’s on First style exchange.

Y – I am, Yubi, right?
D – No, wrong. I am, you are
Y – Oh. He is Yewar
H – So, you are Yewar
D – I am not, I am not
H – Ah, you are Nott. He is not Yewar. He is Nott
Y – You are Yewar
D – I am not Yewar
Y – Oh, call me not Yewar. I am not Yewar. I am not Nott. I am Yubi
D – Lets get this sorted out. I am not Nott. Ok?
H & Y – Ok
D – I am not Yewar. Ok?
H & Y – Ok
D – But you are Hoomite, and you are Yubi, Ok?
H & Y – Ok
D – Whew
H – But, who might you be?
Duckula can’t take any more, and neither can I. Let’s move on.

image

Hoomite and Yubi say they are going to sacrifice the Count to Ra, and after enough human sacrifice Pharaoh Upshi will rise. Wait, Duckula isn’t human. Well, close enough. Who, Ra? And Upshi rises. They start singing Hoorah and up she rises, and I feel like Lois. I can’t take any more schtick. Luckily, Nanny arrives and is mistaken for Upshi. They start with the we’re not worthy bowing, as Nanny asks “who might you be?” The servants repeat over and over, “He knows us! He knows us!” Nanny can see Henosus, but who might you be? Duckula echoes my thoughts, and says he can’t go through all that again, grabs Nanny and flees. Praise Ra!

image

Reuniting with Igor, they continue their search. They find a mummy, and Nanny says he must have fallen off his camel. They tell her it’s a mummy, and she says SHE must have fallen off her camel. Oh, Nanny. She sees a vase, and wants to take it home. Duckula is afraid she’ll drop it, which she does. Lo and behold, they find the mystic sax. Igor says a single blow, and they’ll be the servants of the emperor of evil. That must be a hell of a good blow. The Count butchers it horribly, but finds his groove, and wakes the dead. Time for an Egyptian-Transylvanian dance party!

image

Igor tells Duckula it’s time to go home, but he doesn’t want to end the party. The bat clock strikes midnight, and the castle returns to Transylvania. They still never explain this phenomena. Near as I can tell, the castle travels in space, but not time, and at twelve, it returns with or without it’s passengers. Duckula, Igor and Nanny get left behind, and are seen standing in the desert sun, trying to hitch a ride home. Alright, um, vampire duck standing in the sun. Opening credits say sunlight kills. I assume because he was revived not from blood, but ketchup, he’s not limited to traditional vampire lore, and is a day walker. Maybe they covered it in Danger Mouse, before they spun him off. Anyway, I’ll leave you to ponder that. Until next time!

image

-JJ

Easter Fever

by

0

image

–by Joshie Jaxon
This little known gem from 1980 tells the tale of Jack the Easter Rabbit, and his upcoming retirement. The Friars Club is having a roast in his honor. Presenters include Steed Martin, Haro, Scrawny Chicken, Ratso the Rat, Santa, and Don Rattles. Yay! Animal name puns!

image

Our opening number has Jack sitting in a giant Easter egg, being pulled by bunnies in bunny suits. There’s a reason for it. As Jack sings about how Easter has been good to him, the big bunny suits come off, to reveal sexy bunnies, that help him finish the number. A dirty old turtle tries to grab one, and his wife hits him.

image

In the kitchen, we see an unnamed aardvark, that I’m going to call Artie, so I don’t have to keep typing aardvark. He can’t believe Jack is really there. The waiters are penguins, naturally, and one tells him that Jack is retiring. The chef, who I’ll name Billy, cause he’s a bull, tells Artie to get back to work.

image

On the dais, Santa is up first. Santa is serving 70’s pimp realness, complete with gold chain, and open shirt or is it a jumpsuit? You decide. I’ll leave out the ho ho ho joke. Oops, it made it in after all. C’est la vie. My posts aren’t just entertaining, they’re classy too.

image

We hear the story of how Jack was orphaned and was taken in by a pair of chickens. In an effort to please his adoptive parents, we see Jack attempt to crow, and it goes as well as you’d think. Christmas comes, and Jack’s parents leave a colored egg in his stocking. It falls out, and he has to go searching for it the next morning. Foreshadowing anyone?

image

His friends ask what he got, and Jack says an egg. Ratso says that’s what he gets for living with chickens, calls him a “cluck cluck”. They tell him he needs to write Santa for what he wants. Jack sends Santa a thank you letter, calling him grade A all the way. Yay egg humor! Time passes, and spring arrives. As school gets out for Easter break, Ratso and the others say they hate Easter. Christmas is for kids, Easter is for grown ups.

image

Deciding to give his classmates a reason to like Easter, Jack dresses like Santa, and sets off to deliver Easter presents. Side note, Jacks pretending to be Santa must be a thing. Can we say Skellington? Anyhow, Jack delivers colorful eggs to all his friends, and they’re happy to have found something fun to do on Easter. Santa finishes the story saying that’s how Easter became the kids’ second favorite holiday.

image

Artie tries to tell Jack not to retire, but chef Billy tells him he’s got work in the kitchen, and to start kitchen up. Yay puns! Ratso is up this time. He mentions how he used to be a jealous, and Jack calls him a downright drag. Ratso starts to tell the tale of the year Jack wasn’t fit to deliver the eggs, and auditions were held. Several animals, tried but were unsuccessful.

image

Meanwhile, Scarlett O’Hare is out running, and Jack goes gaga for her. She’s thinking bad romance, and wants nothing to do with him. As she continues her run, she crosses the line ahead of Ratso, and is given the honor of delivering the Easter eggs this year. He’s not having that.

image

Ratso meets with a gang of rats, and tells them he was disqualified for being a rat, and rallies them to get the basket from Scarlett. While out delivering the eggs, we have a very West Side Story moment as the rats whistle and snap their way to her. She screams, and Jack gets up to track them down. There’s a shadow fight, and the rabbits are victorious. Back at the roast, Ratso says no hard feelings. Jack is fine, Easter has been good to him. We cut to Scarlett sitting with his parents.

image

Scrawny Chicken then regales us with the story of the year of the great egg shortage. Jack had gone to the coop to get some eggs, and arrives in time to see the chickens being hauled off. As he tracks them down, via a trail of cracked eggs, he realizes who did it when he discovers eggs Benedict. It’s Madame Melegg, the tv chef. Hupcha hupcha, quick like a bunny!

image

The chickens are in shackles as the Madame is singing about how she’ll be making an omelette with 2 million eggs. Before we go on, I’d like to point out that in addition to wanting to serve up some eggs, she’s serving up egg beater eleganza. They’re giant, and she uses them like skates. As we look at the big board, we see a grand total of one, and she asks her captives to give generously, or instead of an omelette, she’ll be making chicken pot pie!

image

The eggs are flowing freely. Talk about a fear lay. Sorry. Jack arrives, and grabs number 2 million before it hits the pan and sets off the egg cracker, aka the Acme mallet. He has some nerve interrupting her show! He tells her he’s Chef Antoine, and asks where she learned to make eggs, Humpty Dumpty? He then asks if this is Roots, chicken style. Yes, he actually says that. It’s 1980, give him some slack. He convinces the Madame to let his people go. Yay, Easter humor! As the eggs are getting returned, the Madame offers him strawberry kisses as an hors d’oeuvre.

image

His mustache comes off during the smooches, and the Madame is none too happy. She says Easter rabbit is a rare forbidden dish. All you need is small bit of railroad track, and a full head of steam. She charges at him like a locomotive, and last rites are performed over him. Odd thing for a cartoon, but again, it’s 1980. The 70’s had just ended. Worth mentioning, it’s a priest and a Rabbi. There’s another joke in there somewhere.

image

Just before impact, he shouts that it’s time for a commercial. Being a pre-Food Network diva, she agrees. Gotta keep the sponsors happy. Jack uses her giant beaters in a demonstration, and throws several objects through them, the last of which is a girder, ruining them completely.

image

Back at the roast, Scrawny says how she loves Jack, and kisses him. Don Rattles pulls Jack to the dais to have his say. Before he can, Don cuts him off saying they’re going over on time. It’s time for the big finale. The kitchen doors open, and there’s Artie. We see Billy tied up, and the giant egg shaped cake is left there. Artie brings Jack a lone Easter egg, telling him it will be the last one. Ever.

image

No, there’s just can’t be a last Easter egg. Someone else can do it. Artie says that Jack is the Easter bunny, there is no one else. Everyone starts chanting “don’t quit”, and that’s all it takes to convince him not to. Once again, Jack says Easter has been good to him. Awww. That’s so much cuter than the movie about the guy who gets stoned on tablets with god. That’s how that movie ends, right? No? Oh well, maybe I’ll review it next year.

image

-JJ

Smurfs – The Smurfette

by

0

-by Joshie Jaxon

image

I forgot that the Smurfs was like Garfield and Friends, in that it was done in a three segments per episode format. Rather than touch on all three segments, I’m going to focus on the most important one in Smurf Race Smurfstory; the introduction of Smurfette. Good luck, and don’t Smurf it up.

image

Gargamel’s castle. He can hear happiness coming from the forest. He can’t stand it, it pains him. Azrael can feel it too. Or maybe it’s his tail that was shut in the window. Real responsible cat ownership there, Gargs. He rants at no one in particular that he needs to stop the Smurfs and their happiness. If only they had a weakness. Well, it’s a society of shirtless men that love to work hard and play hard. Oh! Let’s send them a girl. Way to know your enemy. They wouldn’t even know what to do with her. All they know is how to smurf in the smurf. It’s very Smurfback Mountain.

image

Gargamel gets a lump of blue clay to make his lady smurf. Once again we get some 80’s sexism. To the cauldron he adds sugar and spice, but nothing nice. Crocodile tears, half a pack of lies, the chatter of a magpie, and the hardest stone for her heart. He is making an 80’s woman, after all.

image

A group of smurfs is out looking for smurf berries. Vanity follows his mirror. Atta smurf. If you can’t smurf yourself, how in the smurf are you gonna smurf somebody else. Hefty hears crying, and follows it right to a busted Smurfette. Black hair, minimal lashes, simple white dress, flat shoes. Unacceptable, we wanna see heels, girl. You’re the first girl they’ve ever seen, and this is how you’re gonna win them over? Sashay, away. She asks Hefty if he likes what he sees. His reply, “I don’t know”, is perfect.

image

Brainy tells Papa Smurf that Hefty found a Smurfette. He tells her that she’s allowed to stay, and is among friends. We go to her hut, with heart windows, getting a fresh coat of pink paint. Vanity must have given her his smurf me downs. Heart windows are so last season. Smurfette calls Gargamel on her compact, and he reminds her that he created her, and he can destroy her. She better work! Having not seen such a busted girl before, Clumsy smacks Brainy in the head. She decides a picnic would be best, and extends an invitation. It gets passed around the village, a sign of things to come, but right now, they’re all too busy to picnic with her. Except Jokey, who brings her a present that explodes in her face.

image

Smurfette makes a cake and brings it to Greedy, who is working on the dam. She wants to see how it works, but he’s busy. That’s fine, she’ll take her cake to someone that will appreciate it. Greedy has her come back, and shows her the lever for the dam. She gets him to let out some water, a little pre-smurf if you will, and tries to stop him from closing it. The village of smurf loving smurfs must be cleansed with a flood. Smurfette falls into the water, and Papa & company save her while Greedy fixes the dam. Time for a trial!

image

Smurfette confesses to working for Gargamel, and turns on the tears. It’s ok Roxxxy, they’re buying it. Shantay you stay. She wishes she could be a real Smurf. Papa says he won’t be able to undo all of what Gargamel did, but he’ll try. A touch of Venus, moonbeams, and essence of smurf root, should do it. On the main stage, Smurfette is severing up some fierceness this time. Proper nose contour, blonde hair, tailored dress, and heels. To celebrate their new queen they all go get her gifts. One says, “I smurfed her first”. Yeah, she says that to all of you. Jokey offers her another surprise, and Brainy warns her that it’ll kablooie right in her face. He’d know after all. They throw him out of the village, in the first appearance of his running gag.

image

Smurfette gets another compact call from Gargamel who doesn’t like her makeover. He’ll teach those Smurfs to mess with his queen. He tells her that he will help her plan a party for all their kindness. She beckons from her window, and tells the Smurfs to head to the forest, and she’ll be along as soon as she picks the right dress. Meanwhile, old Gargs catches all of the villagers. He tells Azrael they will dine well tonight. Honey-covered Smurfs, or maybe Smurfs on a stick. Oooh, Smurf soup. Gargamel wants to eat the Smurfs. It bears repeating. Eat. The. Smurfs. Now, I’m sure Vanity can tell us the perks of eating Smurf, but I just don’t see it.

image

Seeing her newfound friends in trouble, Smurfette has another costume change. Category is, hero eleganza. The Lone Smurf taunts Gargamel that he missed one. He and Azrael chase after her. She manages to free the men, leads Gargs up a tree, and gets him to fall out of it. The Smurfs celebrate his defeat, and decide to give him a taste of his own medicine.

image

Cut to the castle, and a rather homely looking woman shows up at Gargamel’s door. She chases after him, and he flees from her desperation. The episode ends with a big party, and Grouchy Smurf saying he hates, no, he loves the Smurfette. That’s her title now, like the Cher or the Oprah. He just hates anyone to know about it. Careful, Smurfette, or you’re gonna need two smurfs in your smurf if you wanna feel anything when you’re getting smurfed.

image

-JJ

Puff the Magic Dragon

by

0

image

–by Joshie Jaxon

Jackie Draper, sits in a chair as three of the best psychiatrists in all of medicine, tell his parents that he cannot or will not speak, communicate, nor relate in any way with the world around him. His parents already know that. That’s not what they invited them to consult on. They basically tell the parents to keep Jackie warm and safe from danger. One of them says they can hope for a miracle, but the other two frown on that.

image

Alright, before we continue, I wanna break this down. Jackie, who I assume is an introvert, and probably on the autism spectrum, doesn’t talk to those around him. Rather than leaving the kid to his devices, or trying, at least where we the audience can see, to find a level he can relate at, or engage him in something he’d enjoy, they just leave him to sit in solitude, since he can’t/won’t communicate at their perceived level of normal. We all on the same page here? Ok, back to the cartoon.

Jackie sits in his room, as Puff passes by. He tries talking to Jackie, and invites himself into his room. Puff takes the silence as permission to enter, like any good sexual predator. Having no van, Puff opens his bag to find Jackie some candy. Instead he pulls out a glass slipper, Alice’s mushroom, Peter’s shadow, gold spun from straw, a yellow brick, and then gets out construction paper and scissors. He draws up a picture of Jackie and cuts it out, dubbing it Jackie Paper. He then tells Jackie D, that he’s going to essentially borrow his soul for a while. Cause you know, that’s normal.

image

Jackie Paper asks if he’s all better. Puff says he’ll be all better if he takes a journey with him, and really wishes he’d used his magic to conjure a van. Instead, we need to build a boat to get to Honalee. Puff has a bed there, after all. Sorry, but as an adult this looks really creepy. If Puff weren’t a dragon he’d be hanging out with Mr. Herbert asking the paper boy if he brought any good news today. There’s a snappy musical number as they move Jackie D’s body aside, and build a boat from all his things.

image

As they sail, we hear lyrics from the original Peter, Paul and Mary song. When it mentions pirates, Jackie P gets scared. Kid, just wait until you get to the cave. Ok, I promise, I’ll stop with the Puff the Magic Pedophile jokes. For at least a paragraph. Puff tells him there is no turning back. Man I shouldn’t have made that promise a sentence ago. Damn. We meet the pirate, Very Long John. Yes, that’s his name. Girl is serving pirate realness with his black hat with skull accent, and peg leg. Remember this outfit, Visage will be reading it later.

image

Puff shows Jackie that Very Long is nothing but a baker at heart. He asks our fancy pirate to make him a cherry pie. Taking a chance to not be judged, he fires up the oven and makes several pies for Puff and Jackie. They adore eating their words, but his pies are even better. We see Very Long had a costume change, and is now serving baker eleganza realness, complete with two regular legs. Wow, if Puff can make a second leg grow, imagine what he could do for a third. Either this cartoon is dirty, or I am. Maybe both.

image

Puff and Jackie reach the sea of the starless sky. When Jackie asks why, Puff tells him it’s the clouds. They’re jealous of the stars that can fly higher than them, and like all small-spirited and stupid beings, they feel they can deny beauty by hiding it. Sound familiar? *cough republicans *cough. A star falls, and though it can’t talk, Jackie feels a connection to her. He has Puff paint wings on the boat, and flies up to return the star. She thanks him as she returns to the sky.

image

Puff gives Jackie a medal for bravery, as they crash into a dark and nasty looking island. Puff says this is Honalee. Of course it is. Time to pay for the boat ride, kid. Last one, I swear. They discover the island has been overrun with creatures known as Living Sneezes. Jackie tells Puff to help, but he can’t. Performance issues. He wasn’t counting on an audience. Ok, THAT was the last one. Because the island is spoiled, so are Puff’s powers. He tells Jackie that he needs to go home, since he’s not afraid anymore. That’s great and all, Puff, but how is Paper supposed to return his soul to Draper without you, hmm?

image

Lucky for Puff, Jackie didn’t listen. He brought Very Long with him. The pirate/baker says what the Living Sneezes need is his chicken soup. He then proceeds to ladle it all over them. I know it’s supposed to be soup, but it looks like something else. I won’t even go there. I’m just gonna put this picture right here.

image

With the Sneezes cured, we enter another musical number. “Soup” continues to rain down on Honalee, and everything begins to return to it’s original state. Everyone joins in the song, and happy times are had by all. As the song ends, Puff and Jackie Paper are back in Jackie’s room. Puff tells him he doesn’t need him anymore, and that he’s ready to grow up. Kid too old for you now, Puff? Hey! I had one left after all. They hug, and Puff removes Paper’s soul, and puts it back in his original body.

image

The parents come in, and Jackie talks to them. Since on Earth it’s only been I’d imagine minutes, or hours, the parents are happy, rather than stunned, that their kid is talking to them. Parental hug of celebrated normalcy. They can love him now that he’s “cured”. We end with Puff breaking the fourth wall, asking where our fancy stuff is.

image

-JJ