Author Archives: beviannajaxon

The Not So Final, Fantasy, Afterall…

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-by Bevianna Bones

The internet is a wonderful thing. I’m surprised it hasn’t broken over the last couple days, what with all the excitement out there. The same day that brought us all tissue filled boxes of rage over the season final of our beloved Game of Thrones, also brought us the most spectacular news the world has ever, ever been told. Bevianna, you say, “Fallout 4 was announced three weeks ago.” Not exactly breaking news anymore, and up until last night, I would agree. So to those, I will say this, “All I ever really wanted was a ballerina Barbie. In her pretty pink tutu…what did they get me? Mali-bu Bar-bie. But that’s not who I was. I was a ballerina. Graceful. Delicate.”

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Insert yet another one of my obscure references here. For those of you that get it, congrats for being as full of random shit as I am. For everyone else, maybe we’ll have to make a special segment to identify and explain all of my obscure jokes I lovingly pepper my posts with.

And in this case, I suppose the collective them have finally broken down and listened to the forlorn cries in the dark of a dying planet, in much, much need of heroes and hope. Yes, folks if you haven’t heard, I’m finally getting my ballerina Barbie in the form of a next gen remake of Final Fantasy VII. Squee!

For those who are wondering, Ballerina Barbie is to Final Fantasy VII Remake, as Mali-bu Bar-bie is to all of the other remakes of Kingdom Hearts and FF X/X-2/XIV et cetera that Square has been pumping out at us for some time now.

Of course, the internet being what it is, there are already fanboys out there bitching that they are some how gonna fuck it up. And while there is that small amount of fear that something so reveared will lose part of its hold it has on our hearts, I say this to you, when has anything I’ve ever reveared so much be a huge disappointment?

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Well, yeah, there was that…

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Oh God’s, I had forgotten about that…

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Oh yeah, and that…anyone wonder how it is that she is still working?

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Alright, alright I get the point. But in fairness, that Howard bit was to promote the new comics. They wouldn’t dream of remaking my favorite piece of cinematic beauty ever?! Would they? Let’s hope not.

All of those things aside, history does teach us lessons, ans Square Enix has always done a marvelous job on all of their revisions of older properties. I have no fears this time around, and if some of the quells of fear I’ve heard turn out to be true, I’ll always have my 3 discs to pop in my PSX. Or fire up my PSP. Or play it on my Vita. Or play it on my PC, whether it be the PC version, or the emulator. I have save files on them all. 

I don’t think that’s going to happen though, the folks behind the game have as much love and reverence for it as the players do. That’s the key thing that has set it apart from all other games for all these years, is the love and craftsmanship behind it.  Now with the power of the PS4, they can make their original vision of that amazingly captivating universe a reality.

If you haven’t seen the E3 trailer, check out the link below. Oh and by the way, if you haven’t bought a PS4 yet, do it, do it now.

But be warned, I actually cried tears of joy when I saw how beautiful this looks. Grab a box of tissues. Matter of fact, you might have some left from Sunday’s Game of Thrones.

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SPOILER ALERT: They killed off another one of your beloved characters…I’m not sure why this surprised anyone at this point.

Anyhow! Off to watch my old school collectors edition of the making of Final Fantasy VII that I got from Squaresoft in the mail almost 20 years ago. Great stuff. And maybe after that, some Chocobo racing and some frolicking at the Gold Saucer. Until next time.

-BB

She-Ra Princess of Power – Into Etheria

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By Joshie Jaxon 


As if He-Man weren’t enough to make a section of impressionable kids gay, there came a spinoff featuring a female protagonist. You know, to appeal to those who would grow up to admire strong women and fierce divas, as opposed to protein shakes, and weight sets. Don’t believe me? Just watch the intro. There’s a backlit She-Ra, a group shot with billowing hair in front of a rainbow, multicolored glitter streams coming from the sword, and She-Ra surrounded by sparkles. I wasn’t interested in girls, but I wanted to be that bitch. I think we all did. We may have wanted to bang He-Man, but we wanted to be She-Ra. On with the show! 

  

Castle Grayskull, the Sorceress’ chamber. How do we know it’s her? Because despite being in bed, she’s still wearing her eagle face diadem thing. She’s having a nightmare about Hordak holding a baby and stating that he may be defeated, but they’ll never see the child again. He fires a beam at the Sorceress and what appears to be a young Man at Arms. She wakes up, calling out “Adora”, as a sword that looks similar to Adam’s appears above her. She follows it to a door, that is opened when the sword hits it with energy. A glowing portal is there. After all this time. Can it be? 

  

In Randor’s castle, Adam and Cringer are in the kitchen. Adam is mixing something in a bowl. Cringer wants it now, but a work of art like Adam’s famous spiced bread takes time. His words, not mine. Totally straight. Nothing out of the ordinary here. That is, until the Sorceress talks to him via telepathy, and summons him before her. Looks like Man at Arms won’t get his spiced bread. He’s still holding a grudge from missing the Eternian white party during the last pilot. Women are always ruining his time with Adam. Getting to play with He-Man is only going to work another few dozen times before he gives up. If only he knew how to quit him. Has anyone made Brokeback Grayskull yet? Someone should. 

  

In front of the glowing portal of mystery, Adam questions where it leads. Sorceress doesn’t know. The door has never opened before. Yet she wants him to go through it, and find someone in the world it leads to. He’s snarky about it, and with good reason. Hard to take him seriously though, in a plunging v-neck pink tunic, but I digress. She can’t go herself, she’s powerless outside of Grayskull. The Sorceress uses her spirit fingers, and the sword materializes for Adam. Why, aside from the jewel, it looks just like his. Too bad she can’t tell him who he’s looking for. Sick of his sass, she tells him to stop asking questions. She can’t tell him anything until he finds the sword’s owner. The universe may depend on his success. Time for Adam to enter an unknown hole. Perhaps this one will lead to glory. 

  

They arrive in Etheria, and it’s brighter and more colorful than Eternia. Cringer is still hungry, so they head to a nearby village, and the Laughing Swan Inn. They have live music, and a full bar. A hooded figure in the corner asks his pink friend with rainbow colored ears, Kowl, if the stranger is part of the Horde. Adam and Cringer ask for food, and the barkeep is surprised Cringer can talk. Doesn’t everybody? Cringer orders fish, and when it arrives, he sucks it clean off the bone. He’s learned a thing or two peeking through Eternian keyholes. Three metal plated people come through the door, and Cringer hides. Adam doesn’t like the look of them. The hooded stranger says they’re Hordesmen, and readies his bow. Turns out his name is also Bow. Not Beau, Bow. Gotta keep it simple, they’re marketing to girls. Ah, the 80’s.

  

The Hordesmen tell the musician to keep playing. He does, but the song he’s playing isn’t to their liking. One uses his probe-looking device to cut the strings on the harp. The music maker calls him a wretch, and that’s a big no no. The Hordesman intimidates him, has him on his knees, and asks if the music maker knows what he’s going to do to him. That scene with Chris Meloni from Oz, comes to mind. Adam tells him to apologize. Bow says that the stranger is brave. Kowl says he’s stupid. The Hordesmen tells Adam he has a loose tongue. Eternian restroom rimming rumors shouldn’t have made it to Etheria. Must be the purple tights, and fur undies. 

  

As the Hordesmen attack, Adam takes care of one, while Bow uses his bow to take out the weapons of the other two. Adam is dressed modestly compared to Bow, who is essentially wearing shoulder pads with a heart on the chest, and attached cape. Gotta show off the arms and the abs. This is for straight girls, after all. Adam and Bow fight the Hordesmen while Kowl hides with Cringer. Bow says he’s not a citizen, he’s a rebel. Adam thanks him, and Bow says it was his pleasure. Adam is far enough from Eternia that I’m sure Man at Arms won’t get jealous. What happens on Etheria, stays in Etheria. 

  

The industrial city/castle of the Horde. Hordak is given a report of the trouncing that his three minions took. Shadow Weaver tells him that her dark magic has shown her that a stranger has appeared on Etheria. He brings the seed of doom for the Horde. Too bad her spells can no longer find him. Catra wonders if the stranger could have been the one that beat their troops. Hordak orders Force Captain Adora to him. He’s going to teach the stranger a lesson about messing with the evil Horde. He changes his arm into a cannon, and shoots an innocent nearby rock. You know, cause he’s evil. 

  

Looks like a version of Brokeback Grayskull was made after all. We see Bow and Adam on a horse, with the latter holding Bow’s waist. They’re in Whispering Woods, HQ of the rebellion. A guard jumps out , and scares Cringer up a tree. Kowl chastises him for scaring their allies. Bow orders him to go tell Glimmer that they have some new recruits. He then tells Adam of the great rebellion. Cringer comments that it doesn’t look that great. Kowl agrees. 

  

In the leader’s tent, Glimmer sees Adam for the first time, and gets all tongue tied. Outside, Sprag shouts that Madame is coming. We see a lady who looks a bit like Orko but with legs, flying in her broom. Bow and Sprag guess how many trees she’ll hit on her landing. Such good friends. Three it was. Madame Razz’s broom reminds her of the message she was supposed to deliver. Help me Bowie-Wan, you’re my only hope. Oops, wrong franchise. The whole village that Bow and Adam were in is under arrest. Bow offers to turn himself in to spare the village. Adam says there has to be another way. Razz says there’s a force captain, and four terrible villains there. They don’t stand a chance. Adam says he might have a friend who can help.

  

In the village, the people are being loaded into a slave ship. Glimmer says Razz can free them while the rest of them attack. Cringer looks ready to wet himself. What about Adam’s friend? Oh, he’ll be ready when it’s time. Meanwhile, Catra says this won’t work to draw out the rebels. Mantenna says they should have fun and destroy the village. Scorpia says SHE’d never let them. Leech says she shouldn’t be leading them. If she weren’t Hordak’s favorite… Adora shows up and tells them to be on guard. Catra purrs that they’re ready for anything. Careful what you wish for, sweetie.

  

Bow fires an arrow that becomes fireworks, and the rebellion attacks. Glimmer catches Scorpia in purple light. Mantenna uses his eye beams to hex the rebels. Catra lowers her tiara down to mask level and morphs into a panther. She goes after Glimmer, who blinks away for a second before reappearing. Too bad Leech grabs her, and drains her power. Bow to the rescue! Cause a show about a strong female lead needs to show that you still need a man to save you. Oops, spoke too soon. Catra pounces on Bow, and Scorpia threatens to use her pincers on him. 

  

By the power of Grayskull, he has the power! About damn time, Adam. Bitch needed a dramatic entrance. Bow is caught between Scorpia at his back, and Leech draining him from the front. Not like that! 80’s kids show, people. As Bow falls to the ground, Adora says that should take care of the rebels. He-Man tells them they haven’t won yet, and to let his friends go. Adora fires on him, and he knocks the blast away, and it hits Leech. Battlecat knocks the mask off Catra, and she reverts to human form. Scorpia goes after He-Man. He says she’s not very ladylike, or much of a lady anyway. He flings her into a melon cart. Battlecat chases Catra, and before he can help, Adora orders Mantenna to go after He-Man. He uses his hexing eye beams to weaken He-Man. Sprag hits him with pepper, and Mantenna sneezes himself into a wall. 

  

He-Man throws his sword at Adora, and knocks her gun away. Battlecat catches the sword. Adora flees, with He-Man chasing after her. Only time he’s pursued a girl in his life. She leads him into a hut and grabs a sword. He draws the sword the Sorceress have him, and breaks hers. The sword begins to glow. We see Adora’s face on the jewel. She’s the one! The one he’s been looking for! A Hordesmen blasts him from behind, and he goes down. Please don’t snap his neck after. Adora picks up the sword, as “to be continued” appears on the screen. 

  

He-Man and the Masters of the Universe – The Cosmic Comet

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By Joshie Jaxon


He is Adam, Prince of Eternia, and defender of the secrets of Castle Grayskull. His companion, Cringer is his fearless friend. Cause, with a name like Cringer, you’ve gotta be fearless. Fabulous secrets were revealed to Adam when he held his sword aloft and said, “By the power of Grayskull, I have the power!”. It transformed Cringer into the mighty Battlecat, while Adam became He-Man, the most powerful man in the universe. Only three people know his secret. Their friend the Sorceress, Man at Arms, and Orko. Together, they defend Castle Grayskull from the evil forces of Skeletor. Now that’s an intro that gets all the exposition out of the way, so that we can dive right in. 

  

We open on Castle Grayskull with Evil-Lyn and Beast Man stating that the stars are just right, and the cosmic comet is passing. Time to open the gates of Grayskull. Evil-Lyn’s eyes glow, and the drawbridge opens, revealing He-Man and Man at Arms. He-Man calls Beast Man fur face, and the latter takes offense. To add injury to insult, He-Man tosses him off the bridge into a lake of mud. I swear that Beast Man says “fuck”, but as this was 1983, and a kids show, I’m sure it was really “suck”. Dude needs to enunciate better. Evil-Lyn attempts to conjure energy bolts to hit He-Man, but they backfire, and she falls in the mud too. Evil-Lyn swears they’ll be back. He-Man says they should clean up first. He’s a little OCD on cleanliness. The Sorceress tells He-Man that it was only a test, and they need to find the comet’s keeper, Zagraz. Where can he be found? Zagraz mountain, of course. Well, that’s convenient.

  

In the throne room, Man at Arms is telling the king and queen that he and Adam need to go away on a secret mission for the good of the kingdom. *cough Eternia white party *cough. King Randor says if it’s so important, Teela should go too. Adam and MaA exchange a look that clearly says, cock blocked. Orko invites himself along as well, and Randor refuses. That is, until Orko offers to practice for the banquet. Randor quickly changes his mind. Again, Adam and MaA look at each other. Dude, really? We’re never alone any more. Poor, frustrated muscle men.

  

Snake Mountain, Skeletor says the time has come. He joins hands with Beast Man and Evil-Lyn so they can join their powers. Since when does Beast Man have powers? I know it’s episode one and all, but come on. One of these things is not like the other… Whatever. Let their evil grow! They summon an energy orb, and send it after the comet. A short moment later, Skeletor says the cosmic comet is under his control, and then proceeds to wave his arms in the air like he just don’t care. White party weekend, y’all! 

  

Adam, Cringer and company travel in a tank, with automated voice response technology. Man at Arms tells it to stop, and it confirms, then asks for instructions. Cringer tells it to turn back. Bad kitty! They arrive on Zagraz Mountain, and he’s glad to have the company. It’s been one, no, two hundred years since he’s had visitors. They ask Zagraz about the cosmic comet, and he says it’s all his fault. There used to be two, but he accidentally destroyed one during a display of his power. The other comet grew lonely without it’s friend. It lost it’s heart. Zagraz feels bad for what he did. Teela reassures him that anyone can make a mistake. That’s great and all, but Zagraz can’t control the comet, and Skeletor can.

  

Speaking of Skeletor, he’s busy telling Beast Man that they need to take care of Zagraz, as he could try to interfere, despite losing confidence in himself after his little mistake. Skeletor orders the comet to send creatures to capture Zagraz. Adam sees them coming, and he and Teela run. He trips, and she goes back for him, so that she can knock him out of the way of the incoming comets. They land, and take humanoid shape. Zagraz says they were made from the comet’s power, but they aren’t alive; they’re more like golems. Cringer ain’t having it, and runs off. Adam is right on his paws, er, heels. Teela attempts to blast one, but nothing happens. Orko tells us that it was Teela’s freeze ray. Man at Arms tries his blaster, but it’s deflected back at him. This isn’t good. 

  

Adam found the cave Cringer was hiding in, and tells him they have work to do. Cringer refuses. That is of course, until Adam pulls out his sword, gets all hunky, and shoots his white magic all over Cringer. Make it rain! He-Man mounts his newly confident Battlecat, and rides to save his friends. Meanwhile, Zagraz tries and fails to control the comet creatures. He-Man smashes them to pieces. Around that time, Teela comes to. She asks where Adam is, and doesn’t get an answer. Zagraz is upset that Skeletor controls the comet. Orko collects the pieces of the comet creatures, and stores them in hammer space. They need to get back to Grayskull. 

  

The Sorceress says she should be able to help Zagraz. He-Man says it’s time to visit Skeketor. Only problem is, Skeketor can see that he’s coming, and sends Beast Man to slow him down. While he does that, Evil-Lyn will help Skeletor summon the comet to defeat He-Man once and for all. On the road to Skeletor, He-Man and the tank discuss old bone head. No one mentions that Adam is still technically missing, and so is Cringer. You’d think He-Man would be better at not blowing his cover story. Then again, if he’s always busy blowing, never mind. Beast Man tries to block their path, but the tank drives right over it. They shoot the wings off his plane, and send him crashing into another puddle of mud. Filthy beast! 

  

On top of Snake Mountain, all covered with cheese… Sorry. Skeletor and Evil-Lyn are holing hands. He orders the comet to raise their powers, so that they can defeat He-Man. The comets blasts them with energy, and Skeletor feels so good, he jumps down the mountain, landing in front of He-Man and the tank. Skeletor tells him to greet Eternia’s new ruler. He-Man calls him a villain, and is blasted for his trouble. Evil-Lyn celebrates the defeat of He-Man. Skeletor reminds her that he’s the one who controls the comet. In a rare display of 80’s villain competency, Evil-Lyn says they should chain He-Man and crew up. As Skeletor tells her not to worry, they are teleported away. Damn that Sorceress. No more games. Time to set the comet on Castle Grayskull. 

  

In Zagraz chamber, the Sorceress says that there’s nothing she can do to stop the comet. Apparently she can teleport three people, but not a chunk of space rock. Zagraz says if they make another cosmic comet, and fill it with light, maybe that will cancel out the other one. If only they had comet pieces. Oh wait, they do. Orko releases the pieces from hammer space. Teela is so happy she could kiss him. Zagraz says the Sorceress will have to meld all the pieces together again. Still no mention of the missing Adam and Cringer, by the way. Zagraz says to touch the reconstituted comet stone, and to focus on the good and light. The new comet glows, and thanks them for allowing it’s heart to beat once more. Talking comet, cause why not? 

  

In the backup jet, Beast Man asks Skeletor if it’s safe. What if Grayskull wasn’t destroyed. Stupid coward, nothing can stop it now. Besides, he wants to watch it happen. He’s kinky like that. Alright, let’s just pause a moment. Nowhere in the opening, or this episode, have they explained why Skeletor wants Grayskull as much as he does. All we know for sure is that he’s the bad guy, just because he’s the one with the skull head. Maybe he’s trying to free Eternia from Randor’s rule, and gay heir, in Adam. We don’t know. Maybe Evil-Lyn was Evelyn until some bitch in high school called her Evil-Lyn, and it stuck. Poor villains. 

  

Zagraz is told by He-Man to get the comet into the sky. He can’t. If he makes another mistake… He-Man doesn’t care about your mistake. Try harder. Zagraz pleads with the comet to fly, but with no confidence, it’s just not happening. I’m sensing a theme. In an effort to buy time, the Sorceress uses her spirit fingers to send He-Man flying at the cosmic comet. He collides with it, but since they’re in the air, with no traction for his feet, I’m not sure how much of a delay they expected to cause. Teela pep talks Zagraz some more, and he managers to get it up for her. The comet, you pervs. The comets collide as He-Man falls to the ground. The talking comets thank them all for their help. Zagraz thanks the group for having faith in him, when he didn’t. Awww

  

Meanwhile, the comets pass by Skeletor, sending him spinning out of control, and shouting He-Man’s name. Hey, it wouldn’t be the first time. The episode ends with Adam sitting with his eyes closed, as balls circle his face. Wouldn’t be the first time for that either. There’s no explanation for where he’d been, or how he got back. Maybe they assumed he snuck to the white party after all. In yet another, wouldn’t be the first time, Adam loses control of his balls, and almost sends one up Orko’s ass. Goodnight everybody! 

  

The moral of the story is to have confidence in yourself, even if you fail. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, again. No really, that’s the lesson. Man at Arms said so.

  

Pokemon – I Choose You!

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By Joshie Jaxon

You ever have a moment that you can pinpoint almost 20 years later? I can do that with Pokemon. The first time I saw Pokemon, it was an ad for the game, in my Spider-Man comic book. I had the original red/blue, and watched the anime, even though I was in high school. I still play the new games as they come out. I also own nearly all the anime on DVD, except for some of the Johto Journeys that came out during my not living at home, no money phase. Anyhow, I love nearly everything about the franchise. Let’s start the show! 

  

I can still sing the opening theme verbatim despite not watching any of the Indigo League for several years now. It has everything you could want. Mewtwo, Mew, Brock & Misty, Team Rocket, Gary, Professor Oak, Officer Jenny, Nurse Joy, Delia Ketchum, and of course, Ash & Pikachu. Buckle up kids, this isn’t the cutesy version that airs today. This is old school, black and white Gameboy era stuff. Speaking of, we hear the opening game credits, and see Gengar battling Nidorino, just like in the game. Then we pan out and get normal animation. As Gengar puts his opponent to sleep with hypnosis, it is recalled and a new Pokemon is sent out. It’s episode one, so I’ll forgive the fact that Onix emerged from a green pokeball, instead of traditional red. 

  

It turns out that the match is on tv, and Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town is watching. Ash is ten now, and can finally get his Pokemon license. He declares to the Pokemon of the would that he’s going to be a Pokemon master. They never tell us what that means. Will he master all Pokemon everywhere? Is it a job title? Breeder, coordinator, those titles are descriptive and make sense. Pokemon master, not so much. Ash’s mother comes in and tells him to get to bed, but Ash is too excited to sleep. He starts his journey tomorrow. That’s right, ten year old, out in the world, on his own. What could go wrong? Delia tells him to watch something educational, and turns it to Professor Oak talking about the three starters available; Bulbasaur, Charmander, and Squirtle. Ash dreams about what it would be like to have each one. 

  

Ash is so involved in his dream, that he breaks his Voltorb alarm clock. Realizing he overslept, he hauls ass to the Professor’s to make his choice. Upon arrival, we meet Gary, Ash’s rival. He’s arrogant, but doesn’t have any of that Kaiba charm to balance it out. He’s just obnoxious. Poor Ash, just starting out and he’s already behind. Professor Oak appears, telling Ash he looks ready for bed, not his journey. Ash doesn’t care, he just wants a Pokemon. 

  

In the lab, Ash chooses Squirtle, but it’s already taken by someone who was on time. Alright, Bulbasaur then. Nope, also given to a punctual kid. Well, he wanted Charmander anyways. Too bad it’s gone too. Isn’t there anything left? Cue the fourth pokeball. The professor tells him there’s something wrong with this last one. Ash doesn’t care, releases it from the ball, and Pikachu is revealed. The professor says they can be shy, or have an electric personality. Yay, poke-puns! Pikachu shocks the hell out of Ash. This is gonna be fun. 

  

After getting his Pokedex and pokeballs, Ash heads outside. His mom and a small group are waiting, and cheer for him. She’s just so proud. He’s old enough to take care of himself now. Still ten, by the way. Delia gives him his clothes, shoes, backpack, gloves, and undies. Darn moms. She sees Pikachu out of his ball, and finds it odd. Ash tosses the ball at him, and it gets knocked right back. Several attempts later, it’s still not happening. Episode one, so I’ll overlook the lack of red return beam that was used in the battle on tv. Delia says it’s odd that Pikachu isn’t in his ball, and that rubs him the wrong way. He shocks the entire crowd, and the professor tells us Ash’s gloves will be useful since they won’t conduct electricity. 

  

Cut to Ash wearing the gloves, and pulling Pikachu down the road. Great animal care, Ash. He stops, and asks if Pikachu is gonna be like this the whole time. Is it because you don’t like me? Pikachu nods. Ash tells him to open his mouth and say what’s wrong. Pikachu complies, but it doesn’t help. He can only say his name. Kinda like when I greet my cats, they only meow a hello back. Animals don’t talk, dumb ass. Since Pikachu is just like any Pokemon, he should act like one. The Pokedex says he should be in his ball. Pikachu pushes a button and it goes on to say that some Pokemon hate to be confined. Ash undoes the line he was pulling him with, and removes the gloves. Maybe that will help. Pikachu prefers to be free, with no rubbers, it just feels better. Sorry, that one was too good to pass up. 

  

Ash sees a Pidgey, and tells Pikachu to go get it. Pikachu responds by climbing a tree to rest. Ash doesn’t need him. He vowed to get every Pokemon in the world. He throws the ball, and for a moment we think it works, until the bird escapes. Pikachu just laughs at Ash’s failed attempt. Not one to give up easily, Ash tries to use his pajama top to catch Pidgey. After being hit with a gust and a sand attack, Ash watches as it flies off. Pikachu continues to snicker. A Rattata gets into Ash’s bag, and the Pokedex says they steal from stupid travelers. Pikachu is gonna wet himself he’s laughing so hard. 

  

Three more Pidgey pop up, and Ash decides to try throwing a rock. Not only is it a bad idea in general, you don’t throw rocks at wild animals. He misses the trio, but sees a lone one. Going back to his rock idea, he connects this time, right on the head of a Spearow. It looks pissed, and rightfully so. It goes after Ash, who manages to dodge. Then Spearow sees Pikachu, and attacks him too. Ash tries to say he threw the rock, but birdy don’t care. It circles and circles trying to knock Pikachu out of the tree. Pikachu unleashes a lightning attack, and zaps the bad bird. Too stupid to try and catch it, Ash just watches as Spearow calls it’s friends from a nearby tree. Ash asks Pikachu if they should run. Pikachu nods. 

  

Ash says no matter what, he’ll protect Pikachu. Pikachu runs ahead of him. You don’t have to be faster than the Spearow, you just have to be faster than your trainer. That is, until they outnumber you, and start attacking you. Kids, the lesson here is to be kind and respectful to all animals. Ash learned the hard way, so you wouldn’t have to. He gets Pikachu away from them, and even jumps into a river to escape. We see a girl fishing, and she manages to catch Ash. She sees Pikachu, and starts yelling at Ash to get it to a doctor right away. I love Misty. The Spearow flock catches up to him, and Ash puts Pikachu in the basket of Misty’s bike and takes off. Thief! 

  

As he rides, dark clouds fill the sky, and rain starts to fall. This isn’t good. The Spearow catch up, and Ash crashes. He crawls his way over to Pikachu, and asks him to get in his pokeball. Ash knows he doesn’t like it, but if he trusts him, he may just be able to save him. Ash sets the ball down, and stands between the Spearow and Pikachu. He’s Ash from Pallet Town, he’ll be the world’s greatest Pokemon master, and can’t be beaten by the likes of them. The birds don’t care, cause they don’t know what a Pokemon master is. Join the club.

  

Pikachu does, and is so moved, he climbs up Ash to take on the flock. Now, I don’t know if a bolt of lightning happened to strike him and power him up, or if Pikachu summoned it, either way, a massive electric column takes out the Spearow, and Misty’s bike. The clouds clear, and we see a golden Pokemon fly near the rainbow. We now know it was a Ho-Oh, but at the time, the Pokedex had no clue. The voiceover tells us Ash and Pikachu’s adventures are just beginning, and will be filled with laughs. We see Pikachu lick Ash. They’ve bonded, and are now lifelong friends. Now that’s the way you finish a series premier.

  

Sailor Moon – The Crybaby: Usagi’s Beautiful Transformation

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By Joshie Jaxon

I’d like to start off by saying that I am all for feminism, girl power, and all that. That being said, I never followed Sailor Moon like I did other series. Don’t get me wrong, I love chicks who kick ass, but even in mainstream anime, they’re less likely to have their shirts off than say, Goku and company. As a gay man, I’m not afraid to admit that a little eye candy, even animated eye candy, makes a show better. Straight guys think so too. The Robot Chicken Sailor Moon bit is hilarious, and illustrates my point. On with the show! 

  

Usagi introduces herself via voiceover. I remember her being Serena, but the DVD says Usagi, so that’s what I’m going with. We learn that she’s fourteen, in middle school, a bit of a klutz, and can be a little emotional. At that age, who isn’t? Her mom shouts at her to get up. She checks the time and freaks out. Usagi brushes her teeth while asking her mom why she didn’t wake her sooner. Well, because you’re a teenage girl and told her to go away when she tried. Thanks, mom. Category is – school girl realness. Not only is Usagi serving up epic bunned pigtails, white long sleeve top with red bow, blue skirt, and sensible flats, she also has an I hate mornings attitude. Right there with you, girl. 

  

On her way to school, she sees some little kids harassing a cat, which is never cool. Usagi chases them away, and assesses the damage. It’s very minimal, but they did put a bandage on it’s head. Usagi removes it, and sees a crescent moon shape on it’s forehead, which she mistakes as a bald spot. Kitty jumps on her head, then to a nearby car. Usagi hears the school bell, knows she’s late, freaks out again, and takes off. 

  

When she gets to school, the teacher is reaming her about being late. Hey, it’s not her fault everyone else makes it on time. It’s exactly that sort of attitude that explains why she’s failing. The teacher holds up a test with a big red 30 on it. Later, on the grounds, Usagi’s friend, Naru, is asking why she doesn’t have more self control. Their friend Umino approaches and asks how she did on the test. Clearly Usagi is upset, so she did bad. No worse than usual though. No T no shade. Gotta love friends. Umino slacked off too, so he only got a 95. Gasp! Naru changes the subject. Did you hear about Sailor V making another appearance last night? She caught a jewel thief. The girls love jewelry so much, they could understand wanting to steal it. As they go on about diamonds and rubies, Umino checks out. There’s a sale at Naru’s mother’s jewelry store. They’re going after school. 

  

The Dark Kingdom. Queen Beryl makes dramatic hand gestures around a sphere, while asking if the silver crystal has been found yet. A resounding No comes from nowhere in particular. The queen says the great ruler is still in dire need of energy. Until the silver crystal is found, they’ll use human energy instead. Jadeite appears in blue flames, and says he’ll take care of getting energy for the ruler. He’s got a monster, Morga, already working on it. Queen Beryl approves. 

  

At the jewelry store, there are wall to wall ladies who all love a good bargain. We hear the owner thanking everyone for coming in, and reminding them that everything is on sale. She smiles and thinks to herself, foolish humans. As they wear the jewels, it will drain their energy for the great ruler. We see Jadeite standing in darkness with his hand out, collecting the energy into a sphere. He instructs Morga to continue. Gladly. Usagi and Naru arrive, and her “mom” offers her an extra discount; 500,000 yen down to 30,000. If only Usagi hadn’t failed her test. If only she hadn’t spent her allowance. If only she’d studied more. She gets mad at the test, crumples it, and throws it. It hits a man, who calls her bun-head. He sees her score, and she gets upset. She grabs the test back and storms off. 

  

Along the way, Usagi passes the arcade. Seems Sailor V has already been made into a game. She wonders how awesome it would be to be V. No tests, and kicking bad guy butt. Compared to that she’s nothing. She stands there a moment and cries about it. Seriously. What she doesn’t realize during her water works, is that the cat she saved that morning is watching her. The cat says that’s she’s finally found her. Talking cat? Alright, I’ll go with it. Stranger things have, and will continue to happen. Usagi gets home, and shows her mom the test. Her mom is so upset at the score, that she forces Usagi out of the house like a bad dog. Her brother shows up, kicks her in the butt, and asks what she did this time. Instead of Usagi, it sounds like her name should be Meg. 

  

Back at the jewelry store, all the customers are getting weak and dizzy, and begin passing out. Uh oh! Naru wonders what they should do, but her mom says this should be enough energy for now. In Usagi’s room, she’s finally allowed in the house to rest. She’s lying down, wondering why moms care about grades in the first place. The window opens, and a cat-shaped silhouette can be seen. When the window closes, Usagi wakes and sees the cat with the bald spot. The cat tells her not to be rude. For the umpteenth time today, Usagi freaks out. The cat introduces itself as Luna and thanks her for removing the bandage earlier, as it inhibited her powers and ability to talk. Usagi pretends to sleep. Luna tells her this isn’t a dream. 

  

In an effort to prove it isn’t a dream, Luna presents her with a gold medallion, and loses Usagi to her teenage girl love of sparkly things. Luna says that Usagi is the chosen guardian for this mission. She needs to find the other guardians and their princess. Um, the galaxy already has guardians. I’ll take Peter Quill any day. Oh Starlord my Starlord. Sorry. Guess I’m no better than Usagi. Luna knows that Usagi doesn’t believe her, but still has her repeat the magic words, moon prism power, make up! Time for the makeover challenge. Category is, teenage superhero eleganza. Form fitting white top, with red bow and attached blue mini skirt, elbow length white gloves, knee high red boots, red orbs in her hair buns, and a tiara. Usagi isn’t gonna lip sync for her life tonight. 

  

Her bun orbs start to glow, and she can her Naru’s voice. Luna asks if she believes her now. She tells Usagi that she is now Sailor Moon, and to go help her friend. In the jewelry store, Naru is being choked. Morga says she’ll kill her and her mom and send them to the land of the dead. Not on Usagi’s watch. She is the pretty guardian, who fights for love and for justice. She is Sailor Moon, and in the name of the moon, she will punish you. That’s right, in the name of the moon. You know, the one we love so much we named it “moon”. I’m sure Titan, Mimas, and the others make fun of our little nameless moon. 

  

Morga commands all of her victims to rise, and attack Sailor Moon. Swarms of jewel clad shoppers go after her. One even tries to cut her with a broken bottle. She skins her knee, and starts to whine about why this is happening to her. She doesn’t wanna fight. Let’s go to the tape. Yep, she said she fights for love and justice. Verbal contract. Get fighting. She starts crying that she wants to go home now. There’s no crying in teenage superhero monster fights! Someone back me up here. A rose is flung at Sailor Moon’s feet, and Tuxedo Mask says crying won’t solve her problems. Thank you! 

  

Too bad she can’t help it. The crying starts again, and tears flow. For some reason, this time it breaks the spell on the shoppers. Luna tells her to throw her tiara and yell, moon tiara action! She asks why, and Luna snaps at her to just do it. Now, despite having just been crying, and not knowing why she’s gonna do what she’s doing, this is anime, and we have stock footage to use. She executes all her poses flawlessly. Work! Turn to the left! Work! Now turn to the right! Work! Cover girl! Sashay! Shante! The tiara hits Morga and turns her to dust. The energy sphere that Jadeite had been gathering, dissipates. It’s so hard to find good henchmen these days. 

  

Tuxedo Mask tells Sailor Moon he won’t forget what he saw tonight. Luna starts to praise her too, but Sailor Moon is already fan-girling about how cute Tuxedo Mask is. I certainly wouldn’t Character Crush on him, but you go girl. The next day at school, Naru is saying she had a dream about Sailor Moon rescuing her. Two other classmates say they had the same dream. What about you, Usagi? Usagi? She’s too busy sleeping. Nighty night! 

  

Glorious Girls of Gaming – Jill Valentine

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-by Bevianna Bones

What’s better than a badass broad packing heat, slinging knifes, and mowing down zombies, demon dogs, neo Nazi wannabes (aka Albert Weaker), and giant foliage? That same badass babe, but just add in the fact that she’s also the master of unlocking, and she’s unstoppable!!

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“Here Jill, take this, you might need it…it seems that you, THE MASTER OF UNLOCKING, should take it…”-Barry

Let’s not be twisted here,for purposes of this post I’m referring solely to the games and not those abominations of “movies”. Honestly, I couldn’t sit through enough of them to remember if she was in any of them, so my disclaimer as we go forth is again, I am solely referring to the digitized lady here. Don’t want any RE dweebs out there to challenge some sort of cannon or something I missed in the horrible atrocities of cinema. I didn’t watch them, as no one should have.

Jill was introduced to the world in the original PlayStation Capcom classic, Resident Evil. A game that hails many accolades. It was ground breaking at the time, as really the first big survival horror title. Up until that point, all we pretty much had was the Alone in the Dark series of the old PC/Commadore days. It was also one of Capcom’s first franchises that was out of its CPS1/CPS2/CPS3 (that stands for Capcom Play System) game engines, that up until the “3D” graphics capabilities of the PlayStation hardware, Capcom pretty much adhered to. Remember how much you loved Final Fight/Cads & Dinos/AvP? Well that’s because they all are the same engine running the show. It harkens back to the same premise as Quake/Heretic/Hexen…dammit, seems I’ve run onto a whole lot of useless information again. But you get my drift. This was a whole new model for Capcom. Except for the character model herself, as I’ve always found Jill to look an awful lot like Cammy from Street Fighter. Maybe they are sisters…and with a few minutes and an unfiltered Bing search, I’m sure that I could find me some cosplay pron to back my theory.

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Perhaps it’s on account of the rather saucy hat…

While the original RE is known for many things, perhaps the most important to gaming, and most special is that of its remarkable use of full motion video (as earlier discussed in the 3G post regarding Newsreader aka Elena), and its truly poignant voice acting. Particularly that mostly of Ms. Valentine’s. I’ve included a link below. Enjoy

Resident Evil’s Bad Voice Acting. Jill Edition: https://youtu.be/KPdJgD4xKSM

Oh my…oh…oh…oh my. That was indeed magnificent and an inspiration to tenth grade drama actors everywhere. But aside from all of these wonderful things the original RE brought us, (and sadly was “fixed” in the remastered versions) who is Jill Valentine? 

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Who…me?

One of the only remaining survivors of S.T.A.R.S. Alpha team, Jill survived unspeakable horrors during the Mansion Incident in Raccoon City, with her partner Chris Redfield; all the while maintaining her position of the master of unlocking.  After the “incident,” Jill eventually went on to become an operative for the BSAA, where she maintained a partnership with Chris, until another “incident” took place involving that dastardly scum-sucking neo Nazi himself, Wesker, where she tackled him to save Chris and pushed Weaker, and herself, out a window. You go little Joan of Arc you! All of this comes out in one of the side quests in the gold edition of RE5. Which is actually about the tenth installment, but that’s another story. So anyways, Chris assumes Jill is gone and always carries the void of losing his partner, until he traverses the globe to uncover yet another evil umbrella corporation plot to biochemically destroy the world and comes to find out that Jill herself is being used as a pawn in their sinister plan

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“Wait..wh..who are you? Jill?! You seem so different…where is your lockpick and saucy cap?..!..wh..wh..what is that giant glowing red module on your chest? I could have sworn that wasn’t there before”-Chris

It doesn’t take Chris long to arrive at the conclusion that the giant glowing red thing on Jill’s chest is the source of her mind control. I’m assuming that he has played every video game ever made and understands that an enemies weakness is the glowing red spot on their chest. Way to go Capcom on another inventive plot device. Chris releases Jill and together they take down Wesker and Umbrella. And scene.

Wait, isn’t that basically how all these games end? How may times is this Wesker guy gonna show up?? Seriously? Well I suppose that’s a topic for another day; but for today, let’s celebrate the gloriousness of Jill, Master of Unlocking, Destroyer of Scripts. She will forever be one of the most badass gals of games, no matter what the reason you love her for.
-BB